Hunter's Guide to Monsters - Chapter Thirteen

 

Some creatures become weakened and emaciated in darkness, but some others learn in the shadows. Though their bodies are aged or weakened, their minds are keen and their true powers can be horrifying... tonight, we reveal the magic of the 'WITCH':

Witch /'wich/ n. 1. A person, now especially a woman, who professes or is supposed to practice magic or sorcery; a sorceress. Compare Warlock. 2. A woman who is supposed to have evil or wicked magical powers: Witches in black robes and pointed hats. 3. An ugly or mean old woman; hag: The old witch who used to own this building. 4. A person who uses a divining rod; dowser. ⧫v.t. 5. To bring by or as by witchcraft (often followed by into, to, etc.): She witched him into going. 6. Archaic. To affect as if by witchcraft; bewitch; charm. ⧫v. 7. To prospect with a divining rod; dowse. ⧫adj. 8. Of, relating to, or designed as protection against witches.

13. Witches
  by Hunter Jeremiah

If you want to know what a witch is, it is a woman - or in some cases, a man - who has been corrupted by dark magic. They are distinct from other magic users, because they use witchcraft, a magic which is naturally malevolent. Not only have Hunters been fighting witches for centuries, but they were the first creatures we were hired to hunt down - our job description was originally "witch-hunter" after all. For this reason, they've had many names over the years: awliya, in the Middle East; baba yaga or ved'ma, in Russa; boksi, kijo, mangkukulam, yama-uba, yosa, in various parts of Asia; bruja or brujo in Spain; crone, hag or hellerune in the United Kingdom; daayan, in India; hagr, hexen, seidhkona or vitka, in Germany; maghe or streghe in italy & itonga, sangoma, tsua, umtakati, zindoki, or various many other names in Africa.
Before I continue, I need to make this clear: I am not a politician, I'm not a philosopher, and I'm not a professor. If you want to know whether killing a witch is the same thing as killing a fellow human being, then I am neither prepared nor qualified to answer that question. What I am is a Hunter, and if you want to know how to stop a witch, then I'll tell you how you can find them, stop them and if you have to, yes, even how to kill them.
This is a distinct creature from a person possessed by a demon, because whilst a demon is a creature "of" magic (and yes, some witches are granted their magics from demons), a witch is not in any way possessed, she has just the one mind and she's not being controlled, but rather the influence of her magic has corrupted her mind towards malevolence.
And yes, I say 'woman' and use feminine pronouns because witches do tend to be women more often than not in my experience, and I've never met a male witch, so that's how I see them. But, be aware that male witches do exist. According to magic researchers I've spoken to, almost two out of three witches are women, but they weren't sure why there was this disparity. Some theologians claim that women are inherently evil, which I reject outright; some sociologists claim that women desire power, to level the imbalance of man's patriarchy, which sounds like left-wing nonsense & some pseudo-intellectuals think that corrupt magic finds women attractive and so seeks them out, which I just find amusing. The researcher I spoke to claimed that this was due to inherent bias - witch is a gendered term, and so people are less likely to report an evil magician as a "witch". But if you want to know the truth, the reality is... I'm once again neither prepared nor qualified. All I know is that when you meet a witch, you're in for a hell of a lot of trouble. If the sickly sweet seduction calms you, and her softly spoken whispers charm you, and she promises she'll never harm you - then you may have already fallen under the witch's spell.

Literally every human being can, if they so desire, become a witch by learning how to use witchcraft. For this reason, the history of witchcraft is really the history of magic. For, there are certain magics which are more dangerous than others. Some people call these black magic, but that term is considered politically incorrect these days. So, some people prefer to call it "chaos" magic, "red" magic, or simply "unsafe" magic. I'll try to simplify it by calling all dangerous magic witchcraft - it's the craft a witch uses, that seems the most apt. Now, I'm not a magician, so I cannot explain how witchcraft or wizardry works, and I certainly don't understand why magic is separated in the ways that it is, but I do know that when it comes to magic-users, there are some primary classes of magic, and half of them, are witchcraft. I've spoken to magicians about this, and the basic structure of magic looks something like this:

Good	Evil
Earth	Flesh
Fire	Bone
Water	Blood

Now, these are not all of the magics of the world. There's of course, alchemy, curses, necromancy, sigilism & trolleri, and perhaps more that I've never heard of, but the important factor is that these are the most common, naturally-occuring magics, and witchcraft, the Evil magic - Blood, Bone & Flesh - is amongst them. If a magic user is a witch, she will have one of these classes of magic. I've also had it explained to me that these classes affect more than just their namesake. I've been told that just as Earth Magic helps with alchemy; Fire Magic affects the weather & Water Magic can heal, witchcraft similarly has secondary abilities. Also, whilst any woman, or man, can be a witch, the corruption of their magic often results in a corruption of not just their mind, but also their body. Witchcraft takes power from, and uses the forces of, living things - and it twists and corrupts them, and these distinct physical corruptions are known as a "witchmark". So, let's compare and contrast the different classes ofwitch you may face, and what makes them distinct.

Blood Witch
This is a witch that can control the blood in your veins, as well as the thoughts in your mind. She gains power from consuming fresh blood, and using blood in her spellcraft.
A blood witchmark is most commonly a blood blister, or a prominent spidery vein on her skin, often (but not always) around the head or neck, which glows red hot when cut or pricked in a way which causes it to cauterize the wound. Other identifying physical corruptions of a blood witch include thinning hair; varicose veins; perpetually bloodshot eyes; rosacea & in extreme cases, blackened or toxic blood.

Bone Witch
Also occasionally called a "ghost witch", this is a witch that can puppeteer the very bones under your skin, as well as spirits within and without. She gains power from wearing bone jewellery and consuming bone dust and marrow, and uses bones in her spellcraft.
A bone witchmark is most commonly a discoloured tooth or nail. In cases when it has been removed, this tooth or nail is known to evaporate, or dissolve, and a new discoloured tooth or nail will grow back in its place. Other identifying physical corruptions of a bone witch include unnaturally long fingers; asymmetrical limbs; scoliosis; a hunched back & in extreme cases, horns and sharp, crooked teeth.

Flesh Witch
More commonly known as a "skin witch", this is a witch that can warp, tear and grow your very flesh, and raise the dead. She gains power from eating meat, and often uses leathers and hair her spellcraft.
A skin witchmark is commonly a patch of pale, or darkened skin, or when on the scalp, a streak of grey or white hair. The patch of skin cannot be cut or burned, whilst the witch is alive. Other identifying physical corruptions of a skin witch include premature wrinkles; sagging skin; excess body hair; warts, boils or verrucas & in extreme cases, grey or green skin pigment.

Now, all witches, regardless of type, have a few things in common, which we either need to know to defend outselves, or can use to our advantage. Firstly, all witches will have at least one witchmark, which can help identify them, but the more powerful they get the more the magic corrupts their body, meaning its often easier to tell a witch's power level. The only time this isn't the case is when the witch has a witch-animal, or a "familiar", a pet which they bond with ritually. Doing this allows the animal to become infused with corrupting magic, as the witch herself remains physically uncorrupted. This animal can be literally any living thing, although it's often something either easily concealed, like a mouse or a bug, or a common domestic pet like a cat or a dog. The physical corruption of a witch-animal is less pronounced than bodily witchcraft corruption, and may be as subtle as a slight change in eye colour, demeanour or size, or a distinct mark on its fur, skin or scales; but the most common corruptions are humanization, resulting in intelligence, human emotion and the ability to speak. I've also heard that it is possible for a witch to use a human slave as a witch-animal, or even other monsters such as werewolves, ape-men or demons. I haven't found any firsthand accounts of this happening, perhaps because this would be difficult or dangerous to accomplish, but it remains a distinct possibility.

Also, witch magic is limited by its distance, as well as its scope. The unaided reach of a witch's influence is approximately 10 metres, with slight variation depending on her natural ability, and it's limited by her eyesight, as she must maintain eye contact and focus with any spell she is conjuring. If a witch wishes to extend her reach further, she will require a focusing tool, such as a wand or a staff, but she still will be unable to affect anything beyond her field of view, or the field of view of her witch-animal.
Also, without any external aid, blood witches can only affect blood and minds; skin witches, only affect flesh and death & bone witches only affect skeletons and spirits. Inorganic matter, forces and energies are beyond the scope of a witch's natural abilities, which means that machinery and tools can be used to our advantage. However, if a witch wishes to affect such things, she can do so with enchantment, ritual or sigilism. These spells can be more complex and powerful, but they require time to learn, prepare and cast.

But, more than any other aspect of witchery, there's one factor which gives the witch her greatest strength and weakness. Witches often need to collect, use and/or consume their magic's namesake, to gain power. The more raw, fresh and alive the organic matter is during the ritual, the more power a witch can gain for herself, and so many witches turn to animal sacrifice as a source for her magic, or even human sacrifice. Because a witch only requires her particular organic flesh, blood or bone for a sacrifice, it is common for witches to collect in "covens" of three, with one witch of each magical class, to sacrifice victims and grow their magic together.
This is why witchcraft is inherently evil, and must be stopped, as it feeds on the death and suffering of the living.
But, the reason why this is the witch's biggest weakness is because this is the hardest aspect to hide. A witch can veil her twisted face, glove her gnarled fingers or cover her corrupted skin, but it's much harder to hide a crime of kidnapping, torture and murder. Whilst there is a distinct possibility that witches can collect in pairs, or in groups of mor ethan three, this is exceedingly rare. The benefits of covening is lost when there isn't a third witch to consume the remaining evidence. But if there's more than three then when their victims are entirely consumed, the an extra witch will be in conflict with whomever shares her magic, as each gets only a fraction of the benefit. This might be countered by having covens with multiples of three, with an even balance of blood, flesh & bone magics; however, having such a high concentration of magic-users makes it much harder to keep their activities secret. I once faced a pair of blood witches - twin sisters - and their trail of bodies made it much quicker and easier to hunt them down.
Now, there have been cases of witches which have done everything they can to be benign. They may not sacrifice humans, and only consume animals that die naturally, or feed off willing victims, or leave victims relatively unharmed. This has lead to a phenomenon called "sleep-riding", where these witches will sneak into people's homes, and use their magic to paralyze sleepers, then they will climb on top of their frozen bodies, and leech their magic out of their victims. Some call these "benign witches", "grey witches" or even "good witches", and in some countries, these persons are listed on a register, and monitored closely by the magical authorities, as they're considered harmless. I don't know if I'd considered traumatizing people in their dreams "harmless", but either way in this country, witchcraft is still a crime, I don't call them benign, but rather "pre-sacrifice witches", as all witches turn to sacrifice in the end. So, these women must be captured and taken to the authorities for rehabilitation.

Protection
If you believe that there may be a witch in your community, and you want to remain safe, then these are some useful reminders to protect you and your loved ones, and know when to contact the authorities:

• Beware the Stick - A witch with a wand has finer control over her power than one without. If you think she has a wand, get the hell away.
• Do Your Homework - You can usually determine how powerful a witch is, by sight. The stronger she is, the more danger everyone is in.
• Earth, Salt & Iron - Materials which conduct magic can harm a witch, if someone you know avoids, or is harmed by, such items, protect yourself.
• It if Talks, You Walk - If someone's pet is talking to you, it may be a witch-animal. Don't trust it, don't listen, just walk away.
• Keep Your Distance - If you're outside of an unarmed witch's sphere of influence, then she can't curse you. Stay away, and stay safe.
• Running to Running Water - Whether a witch can swim or not, running water tends to create a natural leyline, which painfully tears the magic out of witches that cross.
• The Buddy System - Witches will kidnap victims that are isolated and hidden from view. Stick together, to keep everyone safe.
• Think and Drive - Even with her magic, a witch isn't stronger or faster than a regular human, so using a large vehicle can keep you safe.
• Which Witch - Not all magic is witchcraft or evil. Still be wary, but if someone's unaided magic doesn't affect organic matter, then it can't be witchcraft.
• X Marks the Witch - If you're suspicious, keep a wary out out for discoloured teeth, hair, nails, skin or veins. These signify a witch.
  

WARNING: Iron, salt, silver and other related materials are magically-conductive. These do not resist or dispell magic. These are used to bind witches as they drain magic away from witches the way a short-circuit drains electricity from an electrical system. Some amateur Hunters and witch-finders make, purchase or sell silver-coated or iron-alloy body armour in a mistaken belief that this will protect them from magic. This is deadly, as it will actually draw raw magic to it like a lightning rod.

Hunting
Witchcraft is illegal, because it is so corrupting and harmful, so if someone is identified as a witch, they must be captured as soon as possible. However, if a witch is known to have harmed another person, let alone commits the sin of human sacrifice, then they have forfeited their right to trial, and it is our job to kill the witch. This can be more difficult if you are not a magic-user yourself, but trust me when I tell you, it's entirely possible. The hardest part of hunting a witch is not her magic - that's the most obvious clue - rather, it's the human part. Anyone can learn witchcraft, if they so desire, and whilst some humans can be stupid, some can be very smart, and try to cover their tracks. So, I will be as thorough as I can be, but don't be afraid to use your initiative to find a way of trapping your witch.

Find
Often, you will be called to investigate a suspicious kidnapping or murder. However, there have been cases of people requesting a witch-hunt because they suspect a person in their community of witchcraft. So, you should first try to ascertain your victim, this is the kidnapped/murdered person. If there is a body, you should check to see if they have been eviscerated, exsanguinated or ostectemied. Most witches are amateurs in butchery and surgery, so expect a messy excision of the organic material they've taken (although I once met a witch who was an ex-surgeon, so this alone isn't a defining clue). If you don't have a body, and someone has been kidnapped, then whilst this may be a witch who has tried to cover her tracks, you should assume the worst, and prepare to face a coven. In either case, find out more about the victim, and where and when they were kidnapped or killed, as this should give you more information as to who could have taken them. If you're dealing with a kidnapping victim, then it's good to check the area of their disappearance for any clues of magic - things which are physically impossible - as some witches use their magic to hide their tracks. So, taking people from locked rooms; disappearing into the sky; vanishing in the middle of a crowd - anything which distorts or counters the known natural laws.
If you're called to a witch-hunt without a clear and obvious victim, you may be dealing with a pre-sacrifice witch. In this instance, look out for animal shelters that euthanize; hunting grounds; nursing homes for the elderly; large hospitals; veterinary surgeries & anywhere whereby the death of humans or animals is common, or expected. I once knew a witch that worked as a policewoman in a big city, who would take what she needed when she was first on a crime scene (that raised a few eyebrows). Also, question the surrounding area for reports of unusual sleep paralysis or home intruders, and investigate any clues of supernatural influence or effect.
Of course, keep in mind, sometimes a witch-hunt is a snipe-hunt. Some people are just weird, and they draw the attention of the paranoid and the jealous, so make sure you find clear and present evidence of witchcraft before you spend time and resources hunting down someone's delusion.

But, depending on the clues you find, you'll have your suspects, this will be either a coven of three witches, or an individual witch.
If you're facing an individual witch, you should determine whether this is a blood witch, a bone witch, or a skin witch. This is often self-evident from their victim, just find out what is missing, but it helps to determind how best to safely deal with them. When facing a coven, it's best to work with at least one other Hunter, so you can protect one another from a witch's sisters.
If you don't have a clear suspect, due to confusing clues, or this being a pre-sacrificial witch, then you should look for either newcomers to the area. Or, you should look out for any local pawn shops or libraries, as some witches are self-taught from books on witchcraft, or artefacts. I never faced her, but I heard a story about a witch who bought a cat from a shelter which had been a witch's familiar, and it taught her witchcraft. Note: Whilst pre-sacrificial witches should be captured, not killed, familiars have no such rights - kill familiars on sight.
But, no matter how this witch got her magic, the key thing to know is that if she has magic, she will use it - otherwise, it's not our problem - if she isn't using her magic, then she's not committed any crime. So, if you're struggling, you can either question as many people as possible to find out anything unusual. Or, if you get desperate, you can ask for the assistance of a mercenary magician (assuming you're not a magic user yourself), but I only suggest doing this if you have some clue that witchcraft is involved as hiring a mercenary magician is very expensive, unless you know a magic-user that owes you a favour.  

Lastly, you need to focus on location - and when dealing with witchcraft, your only concern will be their witching-grounds. This is a secluded the place where witches perform their rituals, enhance their magics and learn their spells. Witches can perform their magic anywhere and anytime, so long as they have the required energy to do so, from their rituals and sacrifices. But, preparing spells takes time, and if they have kidnapped a victim rather than simply killed, then the torturous sacrifice of a victim also takes a lot of time and effort - and sometimes, specific tools for cutting and breaking. Some witches like to do this out in the woods, far from town, or in a similar outdoor, but secluded place; some take refuge in abandoned buildings; others might perform their magics within their own home, or in a shed or garage on their property (especially if they live alone, have a large, open property) & some witches, especially covens, will find a dedicated space that they own or rent, specifically for witchcraft. This space will not be in a densely populated area, as rituals may involve chanting, screaming and unusual emanations such as light, coloured smoke and energy. Although, I did hear the story of one man who performed witchcraft in his apartment (He was apprehended very quickly, when his neighbours called the fire department), so if you hear any police reports of unusual domestic disturbances or noise complaints, or hear gossip of strange lights coming from anyone's home, it's a good idea to investigate there as soon as possible.

Capture
The hardest part of hunting a witch is if you need to capture her alive. The cunning, craft and creativity of witches makes it much harder to catch them alive than to put them down. But, we've been doing this for literal centuries, and we've gotten it down to a science. So here's the best known way of capturing a witch alive. You Will Need:
"Snare" - Your snare is a trap designed to weaken your witch when she steps into it. In the old days, something as simple as an iron bear-trap was used, but these days, using either a magically-triggered sigil-trap, incapacitant gases activated by trip-wires or even flooding a room with smoke. I have heard about Hunters that use improvised explosives with iron nails, or even just run over witches with their car, to severely incapacitate her - whilst undoubtedly effective, I'd only suggest doing so as a last resort, unless facing a coven. I personally prefer a motorized-winch, to create a wire trip-snare; or, in an indoor space, I will use an improvised gas or smoke grenade.
"Shot" - Because of the reach of a witch's magic, it is imperative that a Hunter has a long-distance weapon on hand, so he can stay out of danger during this capture. Hunters once relied on bows or crossbows, and whilst handguns are more popular these days, these are still effective, especially when using iron-tipped, or enchanted arrows/bolts. A rifle can shoot from a further distance, but if you're capturing and not killing, you will have to approach the witch once she's been weakened so I find that a rifle is cumbersome and the extra distance unnecessary. That said, I use my shotgun as its the only gun I own, but its less effective at distance, so I rely heavily on my snare to weaken or confuse a witch before I approach.
"Silver" - the last step is the simplest, a chain or cage which can safely contain your witch. iron chains and chain-linked nets are still the standard for capturing witches. In fact, the art of casting a silver or iron chain to effectively bind a witch is a skill which has been passed down through the centuries, and was once the defining skill of a Hunter. This is called Silver because the traditional chain was pure silver, which made them shorter or thinner (due to the cost), which is why a witch needed to be further weakened before she could be bound by a silver chain. These days, silver chains for Hunting are either an alloy, or a silver-coated iron chain. Specially forged handcuffs can also serve this purpose, although they require more effort to bind your witch than a simple net. I have also heard of some Hunters that use an iron cage, but these are too expensive for the average Hunter, and difficult to move. As an old-fashioned man, I still prefercasting a chain to bind a witch, as it's still just as effective.

The method here is simple, you use your Snare to weaken your target; this is most effective if you can leech the energy or magic from your witch, even the simplest trap can be salted, silver-plated, or otherwise prepared with a magically-conductive material. But if this isn't possible, a trap which which causes pain, injury or confusion can also be useful at making your witch prone to capture. Then, whilst still outside the reach of her witchcraft's influence, you use your Shot to further weaken your target at a distance, if she is still fighting you. Lastly, you need to close the distance, and use your Silver to bind your witch, and incapacitate her witchcraft.
Some other equipment you might need to accomplish this includes protective Gloves, (avoid leather, when facing skin witches), to handle magically conducting materials; A Conductor of some type, a large object with exposed, magically-conductive materials to divert any cast magic (this can be dangerous, as magic is volatile); Armour, so long as it is not magically-conductive metal, or leather - I recommend kevlar, ceramic and plastic armours, with synthetic fabrics; your Weapon of Choice, if it's not a projectile weapon, I wouldn't recommend using it to Hunt your witch, but when facing a familiar, it is good to simply put the animal down; a Gag, to prevent a witch speaking magic words or enchantments & some kind of Magic, if you have it as there are counterspells which can render some witchcraft harmless, but ensure that you don't let that magic corrupt you.
Of course, when it comes to facing a coven, it's best to fight them one at a time, but if that's not possible, use whatever equipment or methods necessary to deal with them safely, and effectively. Once captured, witches must be taken to your nearest magic authority to be dealt with accordingly.

Kill
Witches are corrupted humans, and so the same ways of killing a man, will also kill one of these women. It was once believed that witches needed to be overwhelmed by a natural magic's namesake to slay her, which is why blood-witches were drowned, skin-witches were buried alive and bone-witches were once burned at the stake. However, this is a myth - these will kill most anyone, but if a witch's magic has been anulled then for the sake of your own sanity and humanity, it is preferable to use a quick or painless option. The only risk of a witch being resurrected is if she is a member of a coven you have failed to completely Hunt.
Decapitation is often the quickest and easiest way of killing a witch, or simply shooting her in the head, if you own a loaded gun. If this isn't possible, Exsanguination will kill her, like any other person, as will Poisoning, Immolation & Suffocation; but these are unnecessary and inhuman in most instances.
Once killed, the body can be disposed of by your nearest Hunting authority.

- - -

Final Notes
Witch-hunting is some of the most difficult work that any Hunter will do, and I hope that this helps keep you safe. But more than any other creature, even those other beasts that corrupt humanity into monstrosity, witchcraft is the eternal reminder that power - true power - corrupts. And that we can all fall victim to its allure. I've heard of children, mothers and even seen fellow Hunters that have fallen victim to the corruption of witchcraft. So, I beg of all of you, don't turn to evil to find strength; instead, rely on faith, family and friends when you feel weak... or, someone like me will have to Hunt you down.

Dream Interpretation, and Other Nonsense

We've already covered some of the science of dreams and nightmares. Well today, I want to cover the opposite. We've already had a look at the cutting edge of dream theory, so now let's look back down at the worn, rusted tang back in the hilt - too blunt and dull to do any real harm, but still a necessary foundation so we could get a grip on the subject in the first place. Today, we look back on the pseudoscience, the myth and the nonsensical. Because long before we had sleep studies, psychology and facts, we had superstitions, astrology and fiction.

The most prominent fiction that I've seen, in the various researches I've done for this blog, is the nocturnal spirit, or what I like to call the Nightmare Rider. It's not as interesting as it sounds, it's a creature, spirit or monster which mounts your protrate form, often by sitting on your chest, and traps you in place, oftentimes suffocating you and giving you nightmares through some kind of thought-invasion. These take many forms - I've briefly mentioned the witch (or night-hag), a female creature that sits on you as you sleep; there's also the pesanto of Catalan mythology, a large iron-clawed dog that sits on you; there's the alp of Roman myth that sits on your chest; also, the mare, of UK myth, which sits on your chest, or steals your horses & there's even somewhat modern myths that cats cause crib death, by sitting on the chests of sleeping babies and sucking out their breath.
Heck, although it's somewhat tenuous a connection, there's even fan death - an oriental urban legend that if you leave your fan on while you sleep, you'll be suffocated due to the fan somehow either deoxygenating, or removing the breathable air in the room.

I mean, having danger invade your bedroom is a pretty common belief. As someone who's had sleep paralysis at least once in his life (that I recall), the feeling of being unable to move is an odd one, since you feel like you're in control of your body yet you aren't, your muscles don't co-operate. So, I can understand the assumption that something is "holding you down" even if you can't see it. But, more generally, the fear that something might come and get you while you're sleeping may be generational trauma from having been preyed upon by nocturnal predators for millenia; or even just a pragmatic concern of helplessness during unconsciousness, which has been exacerbated by stress and anxiety into an unreasonable fear of night monsters. Sleep has some scary aspects to it, especially for little children - lying in the dark, losing control of your body and being exposed to surreal and oftentimes confusing and frightening images - and childhood fears don't simply fade away.
So, I understand why people once assumed there's monsters that ride your sleeping form, and give you nightmares. But, there's a reason why these beliefs are less prevalent in the modern era.

There's also a belief which I've come across lately Astral Projection, from what research I've done, there are many ways to achieve astral projection, but one of them is by laying in bed, and relaxing, then allowing your soul can leave your body and explore the astral realm.
Now, I'm not an expert in the paranormal, or the powers of the human mind, let alone the connectivity of the immaterial spirit - DREAMING! This is clearly describing dreaming, my goodness, what is wrong with you people?! I am sure that people sometimes dream that they are floating above their own bodies, and that's fun and all, but a dream is a dream. I don't even need to get into the fact that souls do not exist, because there's a perfectly logical explanation for why people are able to experience these things, and it's that they fell asleep and had a dream.

Now, I've had some people try to argue that it's not the "same" as dreaming, because it involves strange sensations before the "astral projection" occurs, but it sounds to me like these people are describing hypnagogia. Hypnagogia is a phenomenon during the onset of sleep (when you're about to fall asleep) which causes hallucinations and visual distortion due to the semi-conscious brain. It's related to hypnapompia, a similar phenomenon during the offset of sleep (when you're waking up).
I should also clarify that I said there's other ways to astral project, but they all tend to involve either hallucinogenic drugs, or deep-brain stimulation (i.e. stimulating the brain with a surgically-implanted neurostimulator), which means that when it's not a dream, it's just a stimulant-induced hallucination.

But now, the main event. The main reason I wrote this post was because I wanted the opportunity to talk about Dream Interpretation. Now, I am not of the opinion that dreams are prophetic or communicative or even necessarily memorial. So, it might seem like I am here to completely shut-down the notion of dream interpretation as a waste of time. However, I don't think such a thing is necessary...
See, I think dreams may have meaning - we discussed this in some of the "science of dreams" blog post, they could be exploring memories or emotions that you need more mental time and effort with.
So, my issue with dream interpretation isn't exactly the same as with reading tea-leaves or cloud-watching - that you're using chaotic images, and trying to find some kind of order in it. Rather, my issue is when these "dream scholars" claim that the iconography in dreams is so fundamental and understandable, that they can tell you what a certain image, object, colour or even theme within a dream can mean, despite the variety and breadth of context that is "the human experience". The most egregious example of this is the Dream Diary. This is a list of possible dream elements, animals, objects and ideas, and an explanation for what they mean. But the more I read these, the more I start to see through what they're actually doing here. Now, I don't believe in prophecy, so any and all definitions about what you should do in your near or distant future, they already rub me the wrong way. But, even if you totally ignore all the crap about destiny, they still clearly use the same trick to come up with their interpretations. Let me give you a few examples, to show you what I mean (note: some of these have been abbreviated, see the original website for the full entry)...

Awaken - To awaken in your dream represents a spiritual rebirth. You may be acknowledging and embracing both your feminine and masculine aspects of Self. You are utilizing your fullest potential. Consider also who or what awakened you. This is an indication of what is lacking or missing in your life.

— Dream Diary, www.DreamMoods.com

Candy - To see or eat candy in your dream symbolizes the joys and the special treats in life. It also represents indulgence, sensuality and/or forbidden pleasure. You may be devoting too much time to unimportant issues. A more direct interpretation suggests that you are eating too much candy and sweets.

— Dream Diary, www.DreamMoods.com

Freedom - To dream about freedom suggests that you are feeling restricted and want to break away from a current situation. Or it is time for you to move out of your comfort zone. Alternatively, the dream may serve as a reminder for you to not take your personal liberties and independence for granted.

— Dream Diary, www.DreamMoods.com

Inside - To dream that you are inside suggests that you need to take time for some self introspection. The dream may be a metaphor that you need to look within yourself. It is what is in the inside that matters. Alternatively, dreaming that you are inside indicates that there are some family or domestic issues that you need to deal with.

— Dream Diary, www.DreamMoods.com

Outside - To dream that you are outside represents freedom, openness and opportunities. You are able to spread out and enjoy.  Alternatively, the dream signifies your need to be more expressive. It is telling you that you need to stop closing yourself off.

— Dream Diary, www.DreamMoods.com

Sleeping - To dream that you are sleeping denotes peace of mind. Alternatively, it means that you are ignorant of the conditions and circumstances around you. Sleeping may also be synonymous with death in that it beckons renewal and new beginnings.

— Dream Diary, www.DreamMoods.com

Telephone - To see or hear a telephone in your dream signifies a message from your subconscious or some sort of telepathic communication. You may be forced to confront issues which you have been avoiding. Alternatively, the telephone represents your communication and relationship with others.

— Dream Diary, www.DreamMoods.com

Trapped - To dream that you are trapped or caught in a trap suggests that you are feeling confined and restricted in your job, career, health, or a personal relationship. You may be in a rut and are tired of the same daily monotony.

— Dream Diary, www.DreamMoods.com

So, Awakening in a dream, represents spiritual rebirth, or spiritual awakening; or it symbolizes something missing in your life, that you need to wake up to. Eating Candy symbolizes joy and special treats in life... or it could just indicate that you eat too much candy. Feeling Freedom expresses a desire to be free; but ironically, feeling Trapped also expresses a desire to be free, so we always want to be free I guess? Being inside means you should look inside yourself; being outside means you need to get out, and let your feelings out. Sleeping indicates that you're at peace, or at rest, or that you're ignorant of something you need to wake up to. Telephones signify communication, what a shocker... are you noticing a pattern here? These are all PUNS. "Spiritual Awakening"; "Special Treat"; "Look Inside"; "Let it Out" - these are all just puns on the word, or cliches regarding these ideas. And most of these are like that! Abalone is said to possibly represent feeling lonely... because abalone rhymes with lonely. Dreaming about an anus might mean you, or someone you know is being anal retentive...
It's ridiculous. And when it's not being a pun, it's going on about masculine/feminine energies, or spiritual woo-woo or destiny or one of the many other buzz-words that these mystical, nonsensical pseudo-sciences like to throw at you.

But okay, maybe I'm being too hasty. Maybe it's just a coincidence that all of these interpretations are based on puns, cliches and woo. Maybe there's some truth in it... So, let's put it to the test.
I'm using www.DreamMoods.com because it's free, and it has a huge list of words in its dream dictionary (Author's Note: bigger than www.DreamDictionary.com, which is honestly disappointing - they got that name for their URL, and can't compete with this one? Lame). So, I'm going to test out this on a dream I had when I was a kid. Why not one I've had recently? Well, I don't tend to remember entire dreams these days. But this is one I remember vividly, because I thought it was weird, and kind of funny. I know this sounds weird, but it's a dream, so it's going to sound surreal... but, this is a real dream I had when I was about 12.

Basically, I was inside this big warehouse-like place, but it was filled with round, red-and-white striped platforms of various heights, with circular tops, and I was jumping from platform to platform, with Batman. We were having lots of fun, jumping. Then, about half-way through the dream, a lightning bolt zapped Batman up his bum, and then he turned evil and started chasing me, so I had to hop from platform to platform to escape evil batman. After a while, I saw a window, and I jumped out. Batman was gone, but I was jumping down a path in the woods, and I could hear howling wolves, then I woke up not long after.
Okay, what could this dream possibly mean? Well, based on the research I did with DreamMoods.com...
I couldn't find "big, empty room" or "platforms". I considered "circus", because of the red and white, but that didn't seem right, so I stuck with being inside which represents a need for introspection; whereas jumping indicates a need to take a risk (leap of faith, anyone?) and Batman suggests I need to use my wits, to maximize my potential. Next, lightning can mean enlightenment, or a shocking turn of events... there's not really anything for getting stabbed or zapped in the butt (the "anus" and "buttocks" entries only talk about my butt, not Batman's or anyone else's butts), but electrocution indicates possible disaster and fear of consequences. Then, being chased... chase dreams are common, but I was being chased by a bad guy, and that signifies insecurity, but jumping through a window in this circumstance represents being opportunistic. Feeling lost in the woods indicates the start of a new phase in life, and howling indicates lonelines or solitude.
So, let's put that all together... according to DreamMoods.com, I need to self-reflect and take a risk to maximize my potential; and there's a shocking turn of events that might be disastrous (or I'm worried it will be). So, I'm avoiding the situation, because I'm insecure... but I'll take the opportunity at the start of this new phase in my life, but I'll feel lonely at the same time.
Wait, so, is there a shocking turn of events, or a new phase in my life? Am I avoiding the situation, or am I seizing the opportunity? Will I maximize my potential, or will I be lonely? This sounds like a confusing mix of metaphors, which doesn't make a lot of sense. But the reason why is because someone else is taking a whole lot of themes, puns and concepts, and slamming them together, to try to make sense of it! Now, I don't think that dreams "necessarily" mean anything, but that doesn't mean you can't use them to explore your own feelings... but that's the key word, feelings. This nonsense about "you have an opportunity" or "you must take a risk"? Total bullshit. Here, let me tell you what I think this dream "could" mean (assuming it means anything).

I like Batman, because he's a superhero, he's in control - I trust him. But, a random event turned him evil, something I couldn't predict or control, and I could no longer trust him. So, he was no longer trustable and I had to escape, but when I did, I was lost in the woods, with wolves. Now, remember, I was about 12 at the time I had this dream, so to me, the meaning is obvious...

There are people that I rely on to raise me and keep me safe - parents, teachers, school; things I trust (like Batman) - but as I get older, I'm coming to learn that the world is more complicated, and as I was getting older, I was learning that people I trust might not always be counted on (they could be changed, by something as unexpected as a lightning bolt). I could escape from that paradigm, and rely on myself (jump out the window), but if I do that I'll be exposed to new and different dangers (surrounded by howling wolves).
Basically, I was getting older and becoming less dependent, and had to learn to take care of myself, but as I was still young, I knew it wouldn't be easy.

There, done, easy. And you know the best part? Even if this is entirely wrong, because I'm making all this stuff up anyway, at least it's an interpretation which I not only understand, but can identify with. I think there remains a distinct possibility that this is just like watching clouds or reading tea-leaves - it's completely random, and any semblance of order is coincidental. But, even if it is, exploring the way you feel about things is a good idea, and this way, you don't have to give some grifter any of your valuable money or time for the privilege - and you should never have to. After all, if dreams really are about emotional intelligence, growth, and emotional memory (as one hypothesis suggests), then dreams are entirely about feelings - and you shouldn't rely on someone else to tell you how you feel.

In fact... all of the dream dictionaries that I looked up for this had a preface or home-page with something to the effect of "these definitions may not fit the definition of your dream, you should find out what your dreams mean to you" - so I say, why use these dictionaries at all? If you must interpret your dreams, skip the middleman entirely! And no, this disclaimer doesn't let them off the hook. Clearly, they know these interpretations are nonsensical, and we shouldn't waste time with them.
Dreams about falling, being chased, losing your teeth and having sex are some of the most common dreams; so, do you know how you feel about falling, pursuit, teeth and sex? If not, ask yourself now, so that you'll know what those dreams mean TO YOU in the future...

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, don't let anyone else try to tell you what your hopes and dreams should be...

A Dream Come True

Believe it or not, I do try to make these posts somewhat scary... or, at the very least, creepy. I don't know if I always succeed, but today, I want to set any attempt at horror aside for a moment. See, today I have an announcement that's not scary, but it does fit the Halloween Countdown theme of "dreams" because I want to talk about a dream of mine which has come true - one of my short stories is getting published, in an anthology!

I have had some drabbles published by Alban Lake, I posted stories online and I have some non-fiction work around the place. But, earlier this year I had one of my short stories accepted by a little publisher, Cursed Dragon Ship Publishing; and in association with Legion of Dorks, they're publishing:

Misspelled
Magic Gone Awry

Edited kindly and patiently by Kelly Ann Colby, it's a collection of mixed-fantasy short stories, wherein spells, prophecies, curses and hexes don't quite work out as hoped. Obviously, I'm proud of my own story, "Sight Unseen" by Matthew A.J. Anderson (that's me) - about a pair of young magic users who try an invisibility spell that doesn't work out like they'd planned. but I've read some of the other stories, and I don't think you'll be disappointed by this collection. there's "Hex Messages" by Stephanie Dare Adams - a fun tale about why powerful witches should be wary of what they drink at college parties; "Last Rite of the God Heist" by Gregory D. Little - about an inexperienced officer, performing a dangerous ritual for her society's imprisoned gods; "Be Like the Pigeon" by Matt Thompson - the story of a pair of wizarding brothers, cursed to speak only in poetic verse & many, many more fantasy stories to inspire, intrigue and enchant...

You can't buy the book yet as it's not yet out, but if this peaks your interest, I highly encourage you to check it out when it's launched. Part of the proceeds to this work goes towards Toys for Tots, so you're not just supporting smaller publishers and writers, but also giving to a children's charity.
But, if the book isn't out yet... why am I telling you about it today?

Well, because the book WILL be out, in just 20 DAYS from today. The launch is scheduled for Tuesday, November 9th at 8PM Central Time, as the publisher is in Texas. To celebrate, Cursed Dragon Ship Publishing has organized a public book launch to be streamed live on Twitch.tv, with as many of the contributing authors as possible (myself included). Like I said, it's organized by Central time, but as I'm not American, by my reckoning the book launches at:

Wednesday, November 10th (2021), 1:00PM AEDT
(click here, and this should show a converter for your local time)

I am still sorting out the specifics, but I believe if you head to Twitch.tv/CursedDragonShip at that date and time, you can join us for the launch.

- - -

Save the Date, Mark the Calendar & Set the Alarm - I am looking forward to this, and I hope you'll come join me, my fellow authors, the editors and possibly more people (I'm a featured author, not an organizer, so I'm still a little fuzzy on the details). Check out the Cursed Dragon Ship website for any updates.

Until Next Time, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I hope you'll come join us if possible. I'm nervous, but excited, to see how this thing goes... and in the meantime, come back for as I continue my Halloween Countdown shenanigans, tomorrow.

UPDATE: book now available to buy at Misspelled – Magic Gone Awry – Cursed Dragon Ship Publishing

The Science of Dreams & Nightmares

Before the enlightenment, it was long believed that dreams were either prophecies, omens or even communication from gods, angels and devils. But, as time has gone by, we've slowly but surely been demoting dreams from this holy pedestal down to a much more humble, secular stool.
In the late 1800s, rather than messages from a god, early psychology researchers like Jung and Freud thought these were messages from... ourselves - that our dreams represented thoughts and feelings that our subconscious minds wished to express, of which our conscious minds were unaware.
And in the late 1900s, we reduced this further from genuine messages, down to random firings of the brain - akin almost to a myoclonic jerk, a jolt of energy down the line to make sure all of the wiring remains active whilst your brain was in "standby" mode.
But now, we've entered the 2000s, and this steady demotion has come to a halt. Researchers are starting to re-examine if dreams may be more than random brain misfirings.

For instance, we've come to learn that humans are not alone when it comes to dreaming. All mammals, most birds and even some reptiles which have been studied by dream researchers have been found to dream, based on studying their brain activity during sleep. This isn't true of all animals - what research has been done on fish implies that they don't dream, and insects also don't appear to (although, I didn't find much research on insect dreams, so this might be a pragmatic assertion rather than empirically proven).

Since the main difference between fish brains and mammal brains is their small size and underdeveloped forebrain, it appears that dreams aren't some dysfunction caused by having evolved a human brain, but rather it seems to be an innate function of all brains with a developed cerebral cortex and/or the hippocampus.
Not to mention, it's not exactly a function of "sleep", since we can sleep without dreaming. According to neurologists and brain researchers, there are three states of wakefulness: awake (completely awake), REM Sleep (asleep, and dreaming) & NREM Sleep (asleep, and not dreaming). And whilst REM sleep is natural and has benefits, mentally... it's not always necessary. These are fringe cases, but if someone is chemically or medically prevented from having REM sleep, they can suffer little to no ill effects, which means REM sleep isn't necessary for functioning...

So, it's left researchers asking why? After all, every function of the body seems to have a use or a reason. Yes, even the dumb ones. Ever had a brain-freeze? It's actually a dysfunction of your body attempting to keep your face warm. Because the pain receptors at the back of your palate follow the trigeminal nerve - the same nerve the connects to pain receptors in the face - when you feel cold at the top and back of your throat, it causes those same pain receptors in your palate to fire, and misconstrues the cold as coming from your face, causing your veins to vasoconstrict and -dilate, quickly, in an attempt to warm your face, which causes a brief headache. It's function is to re-warm your face.
And, ever hit your funny bone? It's actually due to the evolution of your arms. The ulnar nerve is a nerve that goes from your spine to your little finger and ring finger, and so from the spine to your pinkie, heading around your elbow is the most direct route. (Note: Keep in mind also that arms and nerves - and the rest of your body - would have evolved and developed simultaneously). And as we required more muscle for stronger arms, the hinge of the elbow joint would have exposed the ulnar nerve, so now when your bent elbow is hit, your body sends that stinging jolt of pain, warning you that it's a vulnerable spot. It hurts, and it's imperfect, but it has a distinct purpose.

So... what function or design purpose does a "dream" serve? Or, even, what dysfunction or malfunction caused it? Well, there are a few theories.

One is the Activation-Synthesis Hypothesis. It was proposed in Hobson, J. and McCarley R.'s 1977 paper "The Brain as A Dream State Generator: An Activation-Synthesis Hypothesis of the Dream Process", which was published in The American Journal of Psychiatry, that dreaming was caused by sporadic activation of the brain during sleep, which is later remembered upon waking and synthesized into something coherent. It's a fascinating little tidbit, but in a follow-up paper, the theory changed
In Hobson J.'s 2020 paper "REM sleep and dreaming: Towards a theory of protoconsciousness" from Nature Reviews Neuroscience, this hypothesis evolved into a new model of a vestigial mental proto-self that we're all born with. Basically, the theory is that consciousness is something that must grow and develop throughout our life, which is why memories of being a baby are so vague, we don't have a fully developed consciousness. However, Hobson proposes that our consciousnesses are developed because we are born with a protoconsciousness, a kind of "mental model of self" that's underdeveloped, but based on the idea that we can control our body, and move it. And the theory suggests that after we develop a mature, self-aware consciousness, we still retain this proto-consciousness, in the form of a "dream-self" that is aware and mindful in our dreams.

It's an interesting hypothesis, extrapolating from some fascinating experiments showing evidence of the various dream-states in humans. That being said, uh... proto-consciousness? Dream-self? Yeah, I don't believe they've substantiated these concepts and it's pretty out there, but it's a fascinating model nonetheless.
But, that's just dreams - what of nightmares, then?

The Threat Simulation Theory was first proposed by Revonsuo. A, in their 2000 paper "The reinterpretation of dreams: An evolutionary hypothesis of the function of dreaming" in Behavioral and Brain Sciences. In this paper, inspired by evolutionary psychology, it was proposed that the purpose of dreams was, essentially, a kind of low-fi virtual reality for mammals to "practice" being attacked and learning to survive without the threat of death. This would give dreaming a definite purpose - and the theory proposes the reason why we don't have nightmares as often now, is because threat simulation is a defense mechanism, activated by threatening stimuli.
In fact, in a later paper in 2005 by Valli K., Revonsuo. A, et al, called "The threat simulation theory of the evolutionary function of dreaming: Evidence from dreams of traumatized children", published in Consciousness and Cognition, it was shown, by studying the dreams of children suffering from PTSD, and comparing their dreams with those who did not, that there was a positive correlation between being traumaitized in real life, and simulating that threat in one's nightmares.

That's... creepy. Even if you set aside the thought of scientists studying traumatized children to quantify how many nightmares they have - according to this theory, when you think about it, what it effectively means is that dreams only exist so that we can have nightmares... okay, yeah, that's not terrifying at all.

There's also hypotheses like the Defensive Activation Theory. Proposed by Eagleman D. & Vaughn D in their 2021 paper "The Defensive Activation Theory: REM Sleep as a Mechanism to Prevent Takeover of the Visual Cortex", published with Frontiers in Neuroscience, which proposes that, because of neuroplasticity, our brains function on a "use it or lose it" system. Basically, neuroplasticity is the continuing growth and rewiring the the brain. You can see this in people who suffer from brain trauma, and lose brain function, who through rehabilitation can relearn to speak, walk or any number of other brain functions. Our brains are pattern-seeking machines, which means they are always trying to find connections, and the paper mentions how other researchers have provided evidence that this kind of rewiring can occur in a matter of hours.
Therefore, according to this paper's model, if portions of our brain - such as the visual cortex - were left idle for eight hours every day, then it would be vulnerable to this neuroplasticity, meaning we could gradually lose our ability to see as other regions of the brain try to rewire this "unused" brainspace. Basically, if we stop "looking" we'll lose the ability to see. So, dreams exist to create "false" visuals, to keep the visual cortex (and other associated brain regions) mildly active, to prevent other brain regions from taking over "unused" space.

So, uh... if you didn't dream, your brain will eat itself. Y'know, I didn't start doing this research to be horrified, but I'm kind of horrified right now.

But, on a much less disturbing note, another more recent and well-substantiated theory of dreaming is the Emotional Re-Processing Theory. As described in Scarpelli S., et al's paper "The Functional Role of Dreaming in Emotional Processes" published in Frontiers in Psychology in 2019, the scientists investigated the role that dreaming plays in memory - not only autobiographical memory, but also dream-experience memory - and because of this known link, the paper was exploring the effects of REM sleep on the consolidation of emotional memory.
See, it's already known that dreaming helps your memory - people remember better if they dream, there's research showing that. But, this paper was trying to explain that link, and they have a pretty fascinating theory. See, you have a lot of memories, and the best way to deal with them all is to sort them using a system. But your brain doesn't use chronological or alphabetical order, it actually works based on emotions. I think of it like twitter hashtags, just like on twitter people use hashtags to correlate similar tweets, or whatever you twits do on there... well, your brain basically uses emotions as hashtags: "the day my father died, #sad", "my first rollercoaster ride #happy #scary", "that time I puked on myself at graduation #disgust #shame" That's a simplification, but it's the basic idea. If you feel angry, you're more likely to remember angry things - you've clicked the "angry" hashtag in your memory.
Well, this study showed a correlation between dreaming and emotional memory, empathy and of course, memory. Because the areas of your brain that contribute to dreaming also contribute to emotion, and the theory is that because you are feeling emotions during your dreams, this is basically giving your brain twice the practice of feeling things as it would if you only felt emotions whilst awake, and it re-feels emotions that were poorly regulated or misunderstood, to give you more experience with them.

So, if you're a "dreamer", you're a more emotionally intelligent person, according to that theory. That makes poetic sense, but I guess now it makes scientific sense. I think of it like it's trying to get you to re-digest memories which gave you mental indigestion. This also explains why PTSD sufferers have trauma nightmares - it's trying (and failing) to get you to cope with emotions you struggled with, not realizing that you won't.

- - -

These are just a few theories, and the reality is that brains are complicated, and not all of these theories are mutually exclusive, and whilst I have my doubts about some, there is some truth in them all - they are all based on experimental, empirical data, after all. But my main take-away is that dreams are not just random misfirings of the brain. That's not to say that they are a coherent, purposeful messages, but those signals and the visions that they entail may well have a distinct purpose in our waking lives. What do you think?

Also, before I go, I want to take a moment to let you know - the reason I am writing this is because in an upcoming post, I plan on talking about dream interpretation and the mythology of dreams, so I wanted to first cleanse my palate by looking at the science, and feel better about sharing a whole lot of nonsense by first sharing something educational. But I had no idea that half of these theories would be brains eating themselves, and the implication that we evolved to have nightmares. It's apt for a Halloween Countdown, but I genuinely wasn't expecting it. Once again, science proves that truth can be stranger than fiction.
Until Next Time, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and good night.

Dream a Little Dream...

Oh my... what time is it? My dear, is it that time already? I must have overslept. Give me a moment to stretch these old bones.   POP!   CRACK!   SNAP!
Ohhh yes, that's much better. You know what they say, time flies when you're having fun. Which I guess means that whilst we're all captured in our houses, rattling our cages in desperation, time crashed a long time ago. It's been dragging along the ground, scraping its feet like a rotting zombie. But, despite the slow and staggering march of time, we have arrived once again at the season of scare, the hour of horror, the month of monsters... "hallowtide" - and of course, the Halloween Countdown, starting with the anniversary of my own daunting creation - my birthday.

Happy Birthday to you, but beware what you do....
Or this might be the last time, that we sing this to you!

Ah! Time to celebrate, let's all gather in the streets and- oh, I do apologize, it must have slipped my mind. Not everyone is allowed to leave their homes. What have you people been doing, trapped inside all this time?
Climbing the walls? Going stir crazy?
It's true that a lot of people have suffered because of their entrapment, and not just the people in my basement. Humans crave each other, as friends, lovers and prey, and so when we they are separate, it can drive us all a little whacko.

All of this separation anxiety has actually brought to my mind the subject of dreams... The word of the day is 'DREAM':

Dream /dreem/ n. 1. A succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep. 2. The sleeping state in which this occurs. 3. An object seen in a dream. 4. An involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake. 5. A vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie. 6. An aspiration; goal; aim: A trip to Europe is his dream. 7. A wild or vain fancy. 8. Something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence. ♦ v.i. 9. Dreamed or dreamt, dream·ing. 10. To have a dream. 11. To indulge in daydreams or reveries: He dreamed about vacation plans when he should have been working. 12. To think or conceive of something in a very remote way (usually followed by of): I wouldn't dream of asking them. ♦ v.t. 13. Dreamed or dreamt, dream·ing. 14. To see or imagine in sleep or in a vision. 15. To imagine as if in a dream; fancy; suppose. 16. To pass or spend (time) in dreaming (often followed by away): to dream away the afternoon. ♦ adj. 17. Most desirable; ideal: a dream vacation.

Why dreams? Well, with everyone stuck at home, sleep is the only thing we can rely on with any certainty - for some, it's the only thing on their schedule.
But much more than that, this notion of being alone, when surrounded by others, brings to my mind the nature of dreams. When you dream, you are inside your own mind, even though you may feel like you're surrounded by others. There may be people you recognize, people you know, that you see in dreams - but when you talk to them, you're really only talking to yourself.

Dreams are the ultimate trap, because you can convince yourself that you're not alone, when you're the only real person there... which is also why dreams can only work if your brain is sleeping - your reasoning centres and logic are all put to rest, so that the talking toilet seat in your mind doesn't raise concern until you wake up again. If you could actually reason and understand everything that was happening in your dreams, then you'd be horrified...
Trapped in an unreal and imperfect world, limited by your experiences. You can never see anything new or original, because you can only see what you've already seen before. No new friends, no new experiences, no new stories.

A few times, during this lockdown, it has felt like living in a dream. Because of the isolation and the repeating images, reliving the same thing again and again. There is a term for this - derealization. In some senses, it is the opposite of realization, which is coming to understand something, to percieve something as true. Instead, it's comind to misunderstand something, to lose a sense of what and where you are, and percieve the things around you as untrue or unreal.
But moreso than that, it's a symptom of mental unwellness... losing grip on reality and feeling detached from the physical world.

And this is before we even get into the question of nightmares. Our dreams are when our minds explore the depths within, piecing together information in new ways as we form memories... but not everything in our minds is so sweet and cute and innocent. The things that scare us and traumatize us; the things we regret and despise & the things we thought were long forgotten can all be dug up and shovelled back in front of us - and by the very thing you thought you could trust, your own mind. During this Halloween Countdown, I want to explore dreams, and nightmares and the many things that come with them. So, won't you join me?

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time... sleep tight.

Scary Tales for Children

I've never been a fan of trick-or-treating. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me, buying unhealthy food so that strange children wearing cheap costumes can come to your house and steal it from you.

Don't get me wrong, I mean, I get the concept behind it, that kids are dressing up like monsters, because of a multicultural mixture of mythologies that says Halloween is a time when evil spirits and monsters are more likely to roam this Earth because of... reasons (I think mostly having to do with religion), and you can stop these monsters and evil spirits from harming you or your family by appeasoing them with tributes and offerings. So, people dress up as monsters/demons/spirits, either as a representation of the evil you're appeasing, or as a parody of those monsters so as to trick people into giving them appeasement, so you give these costumed people offerings. But since these "representations/parodies" of monsters are children, you give them candy and stuff that kids like. That's why they say "trick-or-treat", if you don't appease them with a treat, they're supposed to trick or curse you, play tricks on you, and generally make things unpleasant for you.

So, it's a lot of weird mythology and American culture, wrapped up in sugar and child neglect, so I'm glad that it's not very common in Australia... but, things have started changing, recently.

I don't know if it's because of globalization, or media - but, to be honest, I blame Aldi. That's right, the grocery store chain ALDI. They've been around for just a few years now, and I remember the first year around Halloween, they started selling Halloween buckets. Y'know, little buckets for kids to collect candy in, with bats and pumpkin faces all over them.

And when Aldi started selling trick-or-treating stuff and people figured that since it was available, other people must be buying it and using it, which means other people must be celebrating Halloween by trick-or-treating. And then, because Aldi is a super-cheap store, they often sell stuff for like half or three-quarters the price of other stores (because they hire less staff, and have a really streamlined storefront), so other stores tried to compete, by selling the stuff Aldi sells for the same price - so, other stores started selling Halloween buckets, and trick-or-treat candy and lots more costumes for little kids. So, the infection is spreading...

So, more and more people seem to be trick-or-treating in Australia. And, I don't like it, because I don't like the idea of taking a dumb, American idea and adopting it warts and all. I like the Halloween Horror Party thing that's more popular here, that's what Australians do, if they do anything at all. Don't go to random people's houses, go to your friends houses, and share food there, and if you're old enough (or know someone who looks old enough), you can even drink alcohol and be merry.

But... that being said, I'm also shameless. See, I got this idea, two years ago...
Have you ever heard of Chick Tracts? They're comic strips from an Extremist Christian organization, and if you've never heard of them, I highly recommend you check out the Chick Tract readings by Hannah & Jake, since they make fun of them, making the hatred more tolerable. But after reading a few tracts you can see just how sexist, racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic, anti-Muslim, anti-Catholic, anti-atheist, anti-freedom, regressive and hateful they are. They are so backwards that they believe in the devil, witches and magic (yes, really), so Chick Publications absolutely hates Halloween, so if you visit the website for Chick Publications, Chick.com, it has a page all about how they use Halloween as a chance to give propaganda to children, and teach them that by enjoying Halloween, they're all going to Hell. So, they talk about all the different ways you can offer candy and chick tracts, or wrap candy up in chick tracts, or just put out an entire table of chick tracts without any candy, so people can, and I quote "choose their favorites".

Now, whilst I do enjoy scaring children, I highly disapprove of scaremongering, especially in the form of propaganda for bigotry, regressivism & religion.
And I was thinking, if not for the propaganda, that would be a cool idea, giving kids candy and something extra. I mean, it's Halloween, what if you gave kids a horror story for Halloween? I mean, I write horror stories, I'm sure I could write a better story than a chick tract... and that's when I had my idea.
     What if I gave out some short horror stories with candy?
Now, I don't approve of the candy aspect... but, I can't deny that if a child comes to my house this Halloween, they probably want candy. I mean, I've heard stories of people giving kids toothbrushes or apples for Halloween. Dude, that's a dick move. Whilst I disapprove of trick-or-treating candy, I much more highly disapprove of dick moves. So, I've written four different horror stories that are small enough that I can print them out on small pieces of paper, and I can staple them (carefully) to some pre-wrapped snack-sized chocolate bars, and hand them out to kids.

So, why am I telling you? Well... because of COVID-19 (of course).
See, here in Australia we have had very few cases (at least, not in this state), and so it's actually relatively safe for people to go around to other people's houses. Of course, I'm not going to be stupid about it. When I make everything, I'll wear gloves, and I'll put it in a container with a lid, and I'll make sure I'm not risking contaminating everyone by cleaning, and offering hand sanitizer, since there's no telling where children have been, and they usually have disgusting hands...
But, I'm lucky. Australia has fared pretty well, but if you're in say... oh, I don't know, America right now? Yeah, don't trick-or-treat this year. Stay home. Everyone is cursed with deadly lung-snot demons, don't go to strange people's houses and share space or air or food. And if you're at all high-risk, definitely don't let strange children come anywhere near your doorstep.

So, to encourage others to stay home, I figured that I would offer you all the same thing I'm offering the kids this year - some short, horror stories. Okay, I won't be giving you any candy, but let's be honest... I've only bought a few bags of chocolate anyway, and you can get chocolate at any time of the year! Besides, I didn't like the idea of this being about candy, so if you want to trick-or-treat, but can't, well hear's my treat for you this year...

These are the four, short horror stories I wrote for Halloween this year...

Mrs Warth’s Garden by Matthew A.J. Anderson The tennis ball bounces in front of me, then flies overhead. I turn to see it crash through a hedge.   “Shame,” says Paul, “that ball had good bounce.”   “What are you talking about? Go get it,” I say.   “I’m not going in there, that’s the Warth house!” says Paul, pointing at the dark, tall building.   “So what?” I say. “Don’t be a dork, go get it.”   “I don’t want get hit with her cane!”   “Fine. I’ll get it...” I say, shaking my head. I cross the road and head to the hedgerow. There’s a gap between two plants, so I step over the stone around the garden’s edge and head in. Behind the hedge, the branches are wild with thorns, but after edging past, I see the tennis ball resting by a statue. I head over and pick it up. As I stand up, I’m face to face with the statue... eye to eye. That’s when I realize, it’s not a gnome or a stone angel, it looks like a kid my age, and the detail is incredible. In fact, it looks a lot like me. I reach out and touch the shoulder. As I touch the cold and grey stone, colour and warmth slowly begins to spreads through it. I feel a cold chill down my back as the stone version of me comes to life.   “Thanks,” it says, with a cheeky smirk. You’re welcome, I want to say... but I can’t. I can’t speak. My whole body is stiff. The other version of me rips the tennis ball from my frozen fingers.   “Paul! I got it!” it calls out; then it steps around me and heads out of the garden, leaving me in its place.

Knock, Knock by Matthew A.J. Anderson It was getting late, so I decided we should try to trick-or-treat just one last house. There was one at the end of the street that didn't have a whole lot of decorations, but there was a bloodied body hanging from a rope in one of the windows, and they'd splattered red around the front porch. It wasn't much, but the lights were off, so you couldn't see how fake it was, making it pretty creepy.   "This one, then we go home, okay?" I said to my brother. He nodded, and put his eye-patch over his eye again. I went up to the front door and knocked, but as I did the door pushed open.   "Hello?" I called, but there was no answer from the dark hallway. I checked inside, but there wasn't a bowl of candy or anything. Just darkness. I stepped back and noticed a small button, so I rang the doorbell. After a moment, I heard a loud thump coming from one of the rooms. A minute later, a man with angry, bloodshot eyes came charging down the hallway, and swung the door open.   "What do you want?!" he growled.   "Trick or treat," I said, gesturing to my brother in his pirate costume. He held out his bucket with a smile.   "We don't celebrate Halloween!" snapped the man, slamming the door.   "That was just rude," I mutter, turning away. As I turn around and take my brother's hand, I just smile and say "Come on. Let's try another one."

The Bravery Club by Matthew A.J. Anderson My three friends and I were sitting around a table in the dark basement, with a ouija board lit only by a single lightbulb, but I wasn’t game to touch it.   “If you’re too scared, we can stop. Maybe throw more rocks at Mister Brume’s house,” says Jack.   “No no, I’m not scared,” I lie, staring at the board, “I helped catch Sarah’s cat, didn’t I?”   “Ha-ha, yeah,” says Theo, bouncing excitedly in his chair. “And we have the tail to prove it!”   “So come on, then, be brave,” says Jack, pushing the planchette towards me.   “Come on...” says Robert, “don’t tell me you believe in ghosts now, do you Danny?”   “Daniel! What’s going on?” calls my Mum.   “Oh no! Hide it!” I say, sliding the board away. I stand up as Mum walks down the stairs.   “Daniel? What are you doing down here in the dark?” she says.   “Nothing,” I say. “My friends and I were just...” I look at the table, but there’s just an upturned ouija board, and empty chairs.   “Mum... where did all my friends go?” I say.   “You can’t see them?” she says.   “No,” I say. Suddenly, she grabs me in a tight hug.   “Thank God! The medication must be working!” she says. “I’ve been worried sick about you.”   “But... my friends,” I say. I look around at the empty chairs again. I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I just hope I’m brave enough to bring them back.

Made with Love and Care by Matthew A.J. Anderson   “Don’t eat them all at once, now,” says Mrs Warth, her old hands shaking as she drops a handful of candy into my bag, “You’ll make yourself sick.”   “I won’t. Have a good night, Ma’am.” She grins and closes the door as I join my friend.   “See, I told you” says Karl, unwrapping one of the treats. “She gives you a whole handful!” As we keep walking, I reach into my bag and take out one of the candies wrapped in red cellophane.   “Do they taste good?” I ask.   “Yeah. Old ladies always make the best desserts,” he says, popping it into his mouth. I unwrap a chocolate, and it looks like a little flower so I pop it in my mouth and chew. It’s crunchy, and the chocolate tastes good, plus there’s something gooey in the centre, but I’m not sure what.   “What is it?” I ask, swallowing it.   “I dunno. Chocolate?” says Karl, eating another. I unwrap another one, and pop it in my mouth, but instead of chewing, I sit it on my tongue, to suck off the chocolate. It really is good chocolate. I roll it around in my mouth, and I feel something tickle the inside of my lips. I try to push it with my tongue, and it scratches my cheek, so I spit it out, and something black hits the sidewalk with a splat.   “Dude, gross! Don’t spit at me!” says Karl. I look at the black, slimy gob wriggle around, legs flicking wildly, until it rolls upright, and then the wet, black spider scrambles away into the grass.

These were fun to work on, and I hope you enjoyed reading them! And, if you're trick-or-treating this year, I mean... why? Please, stay home, unless you can do it safely. At least when I'm handing out candy, I can stay in my house. But, if you do, just be sure not to get too close to folks, bring hand sanitizer with you and wear a mask - heck, if you're giving out candy, feel free to turn away anyone not wearing a mouth-covering mask. Your safety is important, and so is the safety of the little kids coming to your door.
I know I'm safe since I was tested for coronavirus the other day, and it was negative, and I'm making sure the candy I want to give out is in a sealed wrapper, and I'm going to be taking precautions, but you do whatever is necessary to make sure you and everyone else is safe.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and this is meant to be fun. Don't make it less fun by getting you or anyone else sick. I hope you enjoy these stories, feel free to share them around this Halloween - just make sure to leave the byline! I want credit for my writing; this is microfiction, not creepypasta - and Until Next Time, be safe out there everyone, and have a Happy Halloween...

Outbreak Diary - Day 121

It's been a long time since I've written an Outbreak Diary. Unfortunately, these take more research than usual, because I like to make sure that this isn't simply an editorial or an opinion piece. I'm trying to provide you with the most important facts that I can muster, and when I am presenting opinion, I try to make that clear.
So, when I say that the Black Lives Matter movement has become the most important issue of the day - despite the fact that we're in the middle of a pandemic which has killed (at time of writing) almost three-quarters of a million people - I don't say that lightly. Now, I freely admit that "importance" is subjective, and therefore my opinion - but to me something is important, or significant, when it affects millions of people and those people are suffering because of something that not only can be changed, but must be changed.

#BlackLivesMatter

Now, there are issues because the Black Lives Matter movement has included a lot of people protesting and rallying, and the fact of the matter is that protests and rallies - just like any congregation of people, in this time - put people at a much higher risk of contracting coronavirus in this time.
But, that's not the only fact in this matter. It is also a fact that non-white people, in Western countries, are at a much higher risk of being detained, abused, harmed or killed by police.

And this is not just an American problem. America's issues are historical and much more blatant, but there are also issues in the United Kingdom, and as an Australian, I'm aware of institutional racism against indigenous Australians by businesses and authorities, as well as a disgustingly high incidence of injury and/or death in police custody - there are over 400 recorded instances of Aboriginal people who have died in custody, and not one policeman has been prosecuted over it.
And, did you know that, per capita, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people have the highest percentage of their population imprisoned? I only learned that when I heard an aboriginal man say it on television, and of course I scoffed... until I looked at the data, and I struggled to believe it. How can something so terrible be true, yet nobody seems to know or care? On average, 25% (or 1 in 4) of Australian prisoners are Indigenous, and Aboriginal men are fourteen times more likely to be jailed than non-Indigenous Australians.

The Australian Government famously apologized for the Stolen Generations, for stealing Aboriginal children from their mothers and put several laws in place to prevent such things... despite this, Aboriginal children are still being taken away from their families to this very day, in flagrant disregard for these laws.

But, this is all preamble... not only is the theme of my Countdown "sickness", but I use the Outbreak Diary to talk about facts and experiences regarding coronavirus. So, what does injustice for Indigenous Australians have to do with the coronavirus?
Well something I hear a lot, in regards to the coronavirus, is "we're all in this together", or "we're all in the same boat" or even "this virus doesn't discriminate".
That's a beautiful sentiment, but it's unfortunately just not true.

We are in the same Storm, but Not in the same Boat

That comes from a great poem written about the coronavirus, and it's an apt metaphor. However, the purpose of the poem was talking about judgement, how we shouldn't judge people because of their situation. That's a valiant goal, but today I want to look at the people responsible for putting people in worse situations - and coronavirus affects Aboriginal Australians much faster and much worse than non-Indigenous Australians, on average.

Now, why is this the case? After all, race is a social construct - there's no biological basis for segregating people the way we do into 'races' - so, a virus can't be racist. However, culture and society affect the way people live, and its these cultural differences that make Indigenous Australians more vulnerable.

To start with, a whole lot of aboriginal people tend to live in remote communities. This means that many don't have easy or immediate access to healthcare; which means that if someone gets sick, they can't be given necessary medical intervention such as medicine or ventilation.
Also, Aboriginal people tend to live quite closely together so, crowded housing is not uncommon in Aboriginal communities - with twenty or even thirty individuals living in one house. Partially this is economic, but it's also due to their cultural values regarding family, community and spirituality. Aboriginals are expected to be involved with family and take care of and respect their elders, and this often involves taking part in large gatherings, and sharing food, drink or a smoke with family and friends; which all means that if one person gets sick, it can spread much more quickly through a community.
These remote communities also have a much lower population size, and much lower population motility, meaning people who live in these communities often don't go far from home, and the community is rather close, this can be great socially, but it means they don't often interact with foreign infections; which means that their immune systems are less developed, and they can have a lower number of antibodies, so they are more vulnerable when they do encounter an infection.

Even outside of these communities, Aboriginal people have a much higher incidence of using and abusing alcohol and cigarettes; which means that they're considered at high-risk of catching this virus.
As well, unfortunately, Aboriginals represent a large number of homeless people; which means that they can't isolate, and often have poor access to sanitation, as well as general information regarding COVID-19.

In some remote communities, they have had the prices of basic groceries - such as fruits and vegetables - double, triple or even worse in what is a clear and blatant attempt at price gauging; but since they're so far from regulatory bodies, it takes much longer for these practices to be policed.
But the worst part is, whilst these communities are at higher risk of the virus, they're also at higher risk during lockdown, since they're often already poorer communities that rely on internal and external support - so, when you shut them down, they often lose access to essential services.
And when the government does choose to lock them down, it makes them come to a social and economic standstill. There have been cases of Aboriginal communities protesting, since the practice is highly discriminatory, shutting down Aboriginal communities while others prosper. Especially since aboriginal people have both a history, and (let's be honest) a present of being treated like cattle by our government, it's no surprise that these communities get angry when given less rights than others.

Closing the Gap

So, what can be done about it? Well, for one thing, several communities once educated about the dangers of coronavirus, have shut down of their own accord and on their own terms - quarantining those who travel in and out of their community, and following safe practices within.
There have been a number of campaigns to share information with aboriginal communities, regarding coronavirus and how to keep safe - some even in several native, Aboriginal languages.
I watched a whole lot of these, as research for this post, and I have to say that I absolutely love the videos by Professor Tom Calma, since it feels like he's actually talking to you, not at you, like I get from a lot of the government coronavirus PSAs, especially the ones for Aboriginals. A lot of the advice videos I've seen specifically for Aboriginals are either very short or stilted, or they feel like they're talking down to Aboriginal people, by treating them like morons - they feel so heavily processed and infantilizing.

Now, I'm not Aboriginal, so I can't speak for them when it comes to how these ads seem, lack of education is unfortunately a big issue in some Aboriginal communities, so maybe they need this stuff explained in this way, maybe they do appreciate and absorb these ads and like how they try to use specific lingo and music and a friendly, Aboriginal face, but to me it feels very artificial - if you're Aboriginal, and reading this, feel free to comment below and correct me on this, I'm just looking at this from my perspective.

If you want to learn more about these initiatives, you can look up #KeepOurMobSafe on Twitter and other relevant websites; visit the National Indigenous Australians Agency website or check out the relevant pages on health.gov.au.A lot of the injustices and inequities that I've discussed today are being looked into, as part of the Closing the Gap campaign. There are several tangible and measurable inequalities that Aboriginal people face, from education and unemployment to much more severe issues like incarceration rates, infant mortality and life expectancy; but you don't need to take my word for it, feel free to read the latest Closing the Gap Report Card, that talks about what has and hasn't improved so far this year (spoiler alert: it's not great).

But, the most important thing you can do is stay educated. Be aware of not only the historical injustices, but the modern ones as well, by looking up #CloseTheGap.
Keep in mind though, being an Indigenous Australian isn't all about being underprivileged, far from it - Aboriginal people have the oldest surviving, and most long-lived culture in all of human history, and they're proud of it; you can learn a whole lot about Indigenous Australians, their culture and their perspective by visiting ShareOurPride.Reconciliation.org.au.
Or you could, y'know, talk to an Aboriginal person. There are about a million in Australia, you probably even know a few already; and most of them are friendly when you're not racist (just be sure to follow all relevant and up-to-date social-distancing and health advice).

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I hope that this has been enlightening for you - it certainly was for me. Until Next Time, you feelin' deadly, cuz?

Faking a Sickie - Part 3: The Prejudice Plague

For the sake of this blog, I've discussed horrifying diseases from Film & Television, and intriguing diseases from Culture & Folklore. But today I will conclude this series on Fictional Diseases with some of the most disgusting diseases that I've ever come across. Not because of the disease itself, in fact, none of these diseases are fatal, and some have very mild symptoms. However, these diseases all exist because of the bigotry of the doctors that invented them - yes, you read that right doctors, these are fake diseases created by doctors to explain away their own prejudice.

I've discovered ten of the most biased medical diagnoses I could find (five are just weird, and five that are much more serious). There are many more out there, but these ones stood out for what they said about the society from which they came. So, without further ado, let's start with.

The A.W.N.'s Top 5 Weird, Bigoted Diseases

i. Bicycle Face
What it isn't: This affliction is caused by excessive cycling. Due to either the strain or excessive windshear, it causes the face to become flushed, or pale, causing a gaunt expression and thinning of the lips; most prominently it caused dark shadows under the eyes, and wrinkling to cause an expression of weariness at all times. Whilst this could affect middle-aged men, it was a much higher risk amongst women and young girls.
What it is: It's just an attempt to stop women riding bikes in the late 1800s, by scaring them into thinking it would make them ugly. The truth is that men were terrified at the thought of women riding bikes, not only because it gained them independence but especially because they feared the act of straddling such a small seat that was sometimes in indirect contact with the genitals would promote sexual immorality and masturbation. In truth, riding a bike isn't going to do anything to your face, unless you're riding very fast against the wind, or you fall off of it.

ii. Brain Fag
What it isn't: Firstly, that's not a typo (don't get this confused with brain fog); rather, brain fag, also known as neurasthenia, is a mechanical weakness of the nerves caused by excessive thought and stress, associated with the pressure of academic study or the fast pace of living in an urban environment. Common symptoms are poor sleep, difficulty in concentrating and retaining information, head and neck pains, headache, high blood pressure, depressive moods and eye pain. 
What it is: In reality, this was little more than regressivism towards metropolitan growth, and blaming the city for being too fast and unnatural for human life. I do admit to having a metropolitan bias; I much prefer cities to rural areas since they seem much slower - and I do know that living in the city does offer hazards to one's health (especially due to air pollution and light pollution). But this diagnosis claims that "thinking too much" and "living a more fast-paced life" as a result of living in the city where there are more things to do, at much greater density, was so discombobulating to the human brain that it started to break it. That's just dumb.

iii. Cello Scrotum
What it isn't: This discomforting disorder was an irritation of the scrotum, commonly afflicting male cellists who play excessively, especially those who played for several hours a day for continuous days. Whilst precise details are lacking due to the reticence of those afflicted to talk publicly, it is believed that the unusual posture, as well as the vibration during play, can lead to swelling, redness and pain of the scrotum which can only be relieved with rest.
What it is: This was a joke at the expense of doctors. Dr Elaine Murphy, a doctor and subscriber to the British Medical Journal, and her husband both burst into laughter when she read about a condition called "guitar nipple" in one edition of the BMJ. Thinking that this was a nonsensical, and that the editors of the journal were gullible fools, Murphy sent in a letter signed by her husband, claiming first-hand knowledge of this fake malady. It was only 35 years later, when Dr Murphy learnt that her unsubstantiated claim was still being passed around as fact that she admitted the hoax publicly.

iv. Railway Spine
What it isn't: This was a common ailment of passengers who survived railway accidents - which were very common in the early days of railway transport. Also known as Erichsen's Disease, this affliction often involved symptoms such as a sore neck, psychosomatic pain and stress. It is believed that this was either caused by physical damage to the spine and brain, or perhaps hysteria.
What it is: This is just a case of railway companies refusing to help victims. People who had experienced a train crash were often left with phobias, post-traumatic stress or internal injuries. However, railway companies would often dismiss cases out of hand if the person didn't present with an obvious, physical injury. So, doctors devised Railway Spine to explain the myriad of non-visible symptoms of trauma such stress disorders, persistent nerve pain, physical trauma & distress. If companies just accepted that they should give people proper compensation for nearly killing them, then this diagnoses might never have been suggested.

v. Wandering Womb
What it isn't: All women live with a symbiotic, parasitic entity within their bodies, known as a uterus. This creature can become unsettled within the body, if not properly taken care of, and can reach up towards the thorax, prolapse downwards, or shift left or right to disturb the liver or spleen; this causes all kinds of aches, pains and illness within a woman's body. If left unchecked, it can even begin to suffocate, causing it to thrash about around the body, leading to hysteria. As the womb is a gentle beast, that approves of lovely fragrances, and is disgusted by fetid odors, the only treatment is aromatherapy to scare the creature from its displacement, and coax it back where it belongs with lovely smells.
What it is: This is just ancient misogyny, trying to explain women ailments being due to the dangerous, alien nature of women's bodies. And, in hindsight, I do have to say it is kind of hilarious. I didn't make any of that up, they used to think that the uterus was like a grumpy pet that could be coaxed back home with treats. Of course, since its home is just above the genitals, I feel sorry for all those poor women who literally had to eat garlic and vinegar, or had flowers and things shoved up their vagina in an attempt to cure something that is so obviously stupid.

The A.W.N.'s Top 5 Worst, Bigoted Diseases

5. Syndrome K
What it isn't: This is a very unusual disease, as the symptoms are nonspecific, but are highly virulent and thought to be similar to tuberculosis, meaning anyone afflicted needed to be quarantined away from any and all persons, especially figures of authorities. It was most prevalent in Germany, between 1939 and 1944. Although not much is known of the symptoms, it seemed to exclusively affect partisans, former fascists, deserters, prisoners of war, German traitors and Jews.
What it is: First things first, the reason this is so low on the list is because it may not be true - but if it is, what it is is a sneaky way to save people from the Nazis. Fatebenefratelli Hospital in Rome is a real place that helped to hide any and all people from fascist dictatorships, but it's not known if knowledge of the term 'Syndrome K' was widespread. However, within the hospital, refugees often had their paperworks marked with a 'K', which stood for Koch, which was the tuberculosis sector of the hospital, as no authority figure was allowed within quarantine, so this is where they hid them. So, 'Syndrome K' was essentially a joke within the hospital, to refer to their method of fooling fascists and the military. And this is a very sweet story, so enjoy it while it lasts, because the rest of these are much more depressing.

4. Sluggish Schizophrenia
What it isn't: This is a very rare form of schizophrenia, which has identical symptoms to schizophrenia, but a much slower progression - hence why it was also known as slow progressive schizophrenia. This diagnosis was most common (and in fact, was exclusive to) the USSR and several Eastern Bloc countries. Some people are at a high risk of this affliction, namely political dissidents, and so were often diagnosed prior to exhibiting any symptoms.
What it is: Fascism by the Communist regime to silence dissent. Essentially, when someone was "diagnosed" with sluggish schizophrenia, it was because they either disagreed with the politics of the time, or were associated with those who did. After diagnosis and being discharged from hospital, these people they lost their civic rights, their credibility and even their jobs. This was just a way to punish anyone who wasn't towing the party line, by labelling them as insane Not only is it disgusting for those fighting against a fascist system, but it's also disgusting that mental illness was seen with such stigma that people agreed with this treatment.

3. Autogynephilia
What it isn't: There exist some men that are aroused by the thought of engaging, sexually, with another man, or by wearing women's clothing; and there are even some men who claim to be women in men's bodies. This is a simple mental disorder, caused by a sexual fetish to engage in deviant, gender-crossing activities, homosexual intercourse, or even the desire to have a feminine body, causing those afflicted to seek out sex reassignment surgery.
What it is: Do I even need to explain that this is transphobic? For starters, it ignore trans men completely, but if anything those guys are lucky - the claim here is that non-heteronormative gender identity is nothing more than a fetish. I have no doubt that some transgendered people find the idea of their transitioned bodies to be sexy, but that might have something to do with the fact that they don't feel sexy the way they are? But this whole concept throws out the idea of gender identity, social constructs, neurophysiological dimorphism and twin studies, not to mention the entire spectrum of transgender sexuality for the sake of claiming that gay men, and women assigned male at birth, are just thinking with their penis.

2. Hysteria
What it isn't: Women can be highly emotional, irrational creatures, but in some extreme cases they can be brought down with a devastating affliction which is both common and chronic among womenfolk. At one time thought to be caused by a peregrinating uterus, or a demonic possession, this is now understood to be a disease of the brain. It has a wide variety of symptoms, including (but not limited to): Anxiety, Breathing Difficulty, Fainting, Fluid Retention, a "Heaviness" in the abdomen, Hypersexuality, Increased or Decreased Libido, Insomnia, Irritability, Loss of Appetite, Nervousness & (most prominently) a "tendency to cause trouble for others". There have been some claims regarding a "male hysteria", hysteria masculina, but this is a hotly debated topic.

What it is: The wandering womb was ancient misogyny, this is mid-century misogyny. But instead of shoving flowers and perfumes up their genitals, instead we were just shoving women into insane asylums. Whilst the understanding of human anatomy (and therefore also female anatomy) had advanced to the point where we didn't think women's internal organs were meandering monsters, women were still seen as inherently emotional, feeble-minded, irrational & inexplicable. These days, we understand that hysteria does not exist, and in cases where women aren't simply being dismissed, "hysteria" symptoms are explained by anxiety, borderline personality disorder, conversion disorder, and schizophrenia [and I should point out, exactly none of these are either exclusive to women, or caused by biological sex].

1. Drapetomania
What it isn't: This affliction, somewhat related to dromomania, is the unnatural desire for freedom with the most common symptoms being an absconding from work, or in dire cases running away. It most commonly affects members of the Negro race, especially slaves. It is related to Dysaesthesia Aethiopica, which is an insensitivity of the skin, common amongst dark-skinned people, resulting in a lack of desire to work or follow commands (treated by washing, oiling and then flogging the skin). There are only two known cures for drapetomania, one is a stern and violent whipping; but, in extreme cases, the only cure is the amputation of the patient's toes, so that they are unable to run.
What it is: It's fucking disgusting is what it is, but in academic terms this is known as scientific racism. For what I hope are blatantly obvious reasons, slaves don't like being slaves. However, if at any point they act obedient and subservient, they were treated as "crazy", and would be beaten, tortured or mutilated as a result, to force them into submission. Thankfully, this was only a widespread belief amongst the Southern States of North America, and was openly mocked by those in the North; but, that doesn't stop the fact that many unfortunate men and women were beaten and tortured because of the ridiculous belief that one race can be "better" than another.

So, that's the last collection of fictional diseases that I'm looking at for this Countdown, and I must admit that it was eye-opening just how much the field of medicine and science has been intruded by bigotry, prejudice and hatred over the years. Just a few years ago, during my 2018 Halloween Countdown, I discussed prejudice and how science has been used to torture people over the years. I'm not going to start dismissing science, or judging it as evil, but it's always a sobering fact to see that something I hold in such high esteem can be used in such dreadful ways.

But this isn't just the end of this list, it's also the end of my Faking a Sickie series, exploring Fictional Diseases, and how they're used to scare, intrigue & disgust. I hope you've learned something, as I certainly have in the course of this research. And keep in mind, for several of these they were simply the diseases that I managed to do research on, but these are by no means the only fictional diseases out there. I highly recommend that you do some research for yourself to see what else is out there in the world of unfactual afflictions. All of this started because I was curious where 'cooties' came from, and the more research I did, the more I learned and wanted to share with you.
I wanted to see whether people could dream up fictional diseases worse than the real ones, but as today's list has shown, even a fake sickness can be harmful.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and while this series is done, we're not yet done with the Halloween Countdown, as there are two more days before Halloween! So, until next time, I'm going to finish off those posts and prepare for the big day; and please, try to stay healthy out there...

I Am Fine

I am fine.
Why must I keep repeating all the time?
  I’m fine, look, I’m running, running wild!
  Running, just like every other child - watch me smile.
Look, there’s nothing wrong, so stop this incessant nagging and asking me why.
There’s nothing wrong, and I don’t have to cry.
  It’s not like I don’t care.
  I loved him every second he was there.
It was great when I could run around and play with him when I was 6 years old,
It was great when I could cuddle up to his fur in winter when I was feeling cold,
  It’s not like I don’t know,
  That we played all day, and he would follow me wherever I would go.
But I don’t need to cry just like you,
I know that he was my dog too.

I am fine. I’m a big girl now.
I’ve lost pets before. My bird flew away and my fish drowned, but I don’t know how...
  Look, it’s not like it was some kind of surprise,
  I saw him die before my very eyes,
You don’t have to tell me, I was there,
I saw his body limply flying through the air,
  I watch the car that wasn’t looking, and hit him at full speed,
  I heard the tyres screech as they stopped. I saw him bleed.
I watched my father, angry; scream and curse,
I heard the driver, who was only making it worse,
  I held him as he took his final breath.
  I felt it as he passed from life to death.

I am fine. Look I’m smiling, Look at me.
I smile on the outside where you can see.
  There’s nothing wrong, and I don’t have to cry.
  There’s nothing wrong, except my puppy died.
I may have lost my one and only friend;
I may feel a hole inside that will not mend.
  But stop it, just stop it now! Look we’ve bought a new dog, look see?
  A new dog that looks like him, to keep reminding me
  There’s nothing wrong, I just don’t want to play with dogs all the time
    I know that I’m not eating,
    and I’m having trouble sleeping,
      and the new dog feels rejected,
      I don’t act how the doc expected,
  ...but if you keep asking me how I feel I’ll just keep saying: I am fine

One Word at a Time.

Dyslexia
Knot a purse on our tier under stands me,
  Bee cores I have all weighs bean the sway,
Beak awes it’s not allot descent stew me,
  Gnome adder what though spear pull say,

Icon tall weighs say, what need stew beat old,
  Eye contour way seer wot is said,
So with our ten knee body to hear me,
  Their are sum time sigh wish shy was dead,

But in a whirl dove such con few sing ways,
  It twist sand it old dements,
And all though eye ham dis leg sick,
  I’m aching theme most cents.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Huh, does that feel like enough? It doesn't really feel like enough to me. Okay, I should explain. This is a poem that I wrote over ten years ago (I was still in highschool that's how long ago it was, jeez), and that's why it's much more dramatic (I'm much less likely to dip into the "character is suicidal, therefore deep" angle, these days). But, I am fond of it. It has a simple conceit - being illegible when read literally, but makes sense when read phonetically - and doesn't outstay its welcome (in case you're wondering, yes, this was inspired by Ode to My Spell Checker). 

The main problem with it is it's not the story I wanted to share. See, I've been doing this Halloween Countdown for a few years, and every single time, I enjoy the hell out of it. I love writing contextual posts for a scary concept, I love doing the research and learning new things, I love sharing fiction. But, sometimes, the deadline is too much.

On several occasions, I've had plans for this which I've had to abandon, because I ran out of time, and today is one of those occasions. I was writing a two-part story in the same universe as "Operation: White Christmas" and "The Ambrosial Glass" - I call that series the Lockburn Files, and I love writing it because I like the horror in it, and it's fun exploring more of The Kitchen. I started working on a story idea that I've had for literally years, a story exploring more of The Dishwasher, the department that cleans up the mess that the Kitchen sometimes leaves behind. However, I have so many new characters in that, and it introduces a whole new department, and would require a tonne of research. So, I put that on the backburner, and decided to focus on another story - this one simply about a long-distance transfer of some freight which is so dangerous that nobody's security level is high enough to know what they're traveling with. Lots of fun, a basic story, and something that could easily be a two-parter (because of the long distance).
However... I haven't finished it yet. I have to post it today, and it's not finished. It turns out that this one took more research than I had anticipated, and much more planning than I had, well, planned for. So, instead, you get this poem, and tomorrow, instead of part two to the story you're not getting, I'll put up another poem I wrote a while ago, but which I still think is worth reading.
At least I wrote a few more posts in advance this year, but I should really work on these much sooner... I've been saying that for years, and this year I managed to do that with almost half of them, but now it's catching up with me again.

So, in a way, it's ironic that this is a poem about someone who struggles to communicate, to put their words together, because that's literally where I am at the moment - I have so much I want to do, but I ultimately can't, because I'm struggling to write everything I want to write before time is up. Now, don't worry, I won't just throw my story in the trash - I will see if I can salvage it for either a later post. I don't think I'll wait until next Halloween Countdown. I've been dreaming up what the theme should be for next year, and I don't think the story suits it very well...

Anyway, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I'm sorry that I couldn't post as many stories as I had planned, but I'll do my best to post more in the future. Until Next Time, I'm going to finish off the last few posts and get ready for Halloween Itself!