Drop Dead

It was one hour after sunset, late afternoon, but out in the bush it looked as dark as midnight. Peter Brown was sitting in the back of his pickup, with a grim look on his face as the cop car pulled off the road. He looked up from under the brim of his akubra, and saw the silent police car approach with its flashing lights.
Instinctively his dog, a blue heeler dog jumped off the back of the truck to see the visitors.
  "Oi! Marky!" barked the farmer, whistling sharply. "Get back here, ya mongrel . . ." the dog ran back onto the truck as told, and Peter walked over to the cops in their dark, blue uniforms.
  "G'day, Pete," said Officer Franklin, a tall, thin man with a thick, salt-and-pepper moustache and wrinkles that made him look fifteen years older than his middle-age. He shook Farmer Brown's hand as he glanced at the trees. "The techies are on their way."
  "So, what’ve we got?" said Officer Henries, a burly young Kiwi with a close-shaved head, bright eyes and a heavy New Zealand accent. “We got a call in for a dead body, is that right?”
  "Yeah . . . it's bloody dreadful," said Peter, turning towards the trees “I’ve never seen anythin’ like it in my life.”
The two officers followed him as he wandered deeper into the trees. Henries whipped out a flashlight to light the way.
  “Is it all the way out here?” said Franklin.
  “Yeah, just a bit down in from the road,” said Peter.
  “So how’d you find ‘em so far out here? Pretty bloody dark.”
  "I got a call from Sandy, said she was driving home from the shops, and saw some trespassers on my property.”
  “This is part of your property?” said Franklin.
  “Yeah, just a foot from the road down.”
  “No fence?”
  “Nah, too fucken expensive,” said Peter, “and the trees keep out most sticky-beaks.”
  “Well, it’s not really tresspassin’ if yer ain’t got a fence, bruv,” says Henries.
  “Nah,” Peter says, waving a hand dismissively. “I don’t give a shit, they can come as they please; the paddock’s fenced, they ain’t gonna steal a cow.”
  “So, why’d you come out here if you don’t care?” asked Franklin.
  “I just worried that some backpacker’d gotten lost. Some of them try to shortcut through to get back to town, but they get turned around in these trees. It looks straight and narrow, but under the canopy it gets craggy . . . here we go.”
Peter stopped by a shallow ditch a good 50 metres from the road. Henries shone his light onto the spot. A young blonde, probably European, was on her back, her pale, dead eyes looking up at the sky, but a nasty, purple bruise covered the right side of her forehead, and scratches down her face that had crusted up with dried blood. Her hands and feet were draped across her, limply.
Peter Brown took his hat off and held it over his chest as he looked down at the sorry sight.
  “It ain’t right . . . pretty young thing.”
  “Is that her bag?” said Franklin, pointing a few metres away to a nearby tree, a huge hiking backpack was resting by it.
  “Yeah . . . I found her facedown,” said Peter. “I thought she’d just tripped, I tried to help her up, but she was limp as a sack o’ potatoes. I took the bag off, so I could try to resuscitate or somethin’, but when I touched her cheek she was stone cold . . .”
The farmer sniffed and exhaled a heavy, wet breath.
  “Goddamned disgrace,” he said, he put his hat on and started walking back towards his truck.
  “Have you ever seen anything like this?” said Franklin, kneeling down beside the body, turning on his own flashlight.
  “Yeah, cuz,” said Henries, sounding unsettled. “Just some bloody boyfriend or somethin’, crack her round the head with a bat, I say.”
  “Hmph . . .” grunted Franklin, stroking his moustache. “It wasn’t a baseball bat. It’s scratched up her face.”
  “She coulda cut her face on a branch or somethin’,” suggested Henries.
  “Do you see any low hangin’ branches?” said Franklin. “No twigs on the ground . . .”
  “Maybe the attacker scratched her,” said Henries.
  “Not unless he had two thumbs,” said Franklin, looking at the shape of the scratch.
  “Well, I dunno, cuz . . . we’ll leave that to the lab boys, eh?”
  “Right . . .” said Franklin standing up again with a grunt.
There was a rattling sound from the trees above that made Henries jump.
  “What’s that?!” he said, shining his torch up. “Is that a snake?!”
  “It’s a possum, ya goose,” said Franklin, patting the man on the back as he walked past. “Come on, we better cordon this place off. You take Pete up to the road and question him properly, get his statement, and I’ll . . .” Franklin looks back with a sigh. “I’ll wrap this up.”

The crime scene techs showed up soon enough. Officer Franklin stood by the blue and white tape and lifted it to let them through, one by one, taking note of the time. Not long after, the detective showed up, wearing a simple business suit and tie. The first thing he did was walk up to Franklin and Henries, introduce himself as Detective Samson and ask what they’d documented so far. Then he headed into the scene. Franklin stood outside, calmly, waiting for the detective to secure the scene, when he heard an angry shout, then some people started screaming.
  “Wait here!” Franklin told Henries, and he ducked under the tape. He ran full-tilt towards the crowd of techies, but their lights were darting around, frantic, and people were stammering, panicked.
  “Is it gone?”
  “Oh my god, are you bleeding?”
  “Get her away from the scene.”
  “Is everyone alright?” called Franklin, shining a torch around. Two of the techs had taken a third aside, a girl who was bleeding from the forehead.
  “Call a goddamned ambulance!” barked the detective.
Officer Franklins grabbed his radio and called it in before going to attend to the crying technician.
  “What the hell happened?” he said.
  “Something dropped out of the tree,” said the detective. “I thought you secured the scene?”
  “I did . . . there was nothing here but possums.”
  “That wasn’t a possum, it was a . . . spotted quokka or somethin’,” said Detective Samson.
  “It bit me!” said the crime scene technician, in an American accent. “Just above my eye.”
In the trees above, they heard some snuffling and rattling.
  “Clear the scene!” said the officer. “Out, out, come on!”
There was a loud screech from above, and Officer Franklin drew his weapon. The explosion of sound echoed across the paddock as he fired twice. There was a cracking of branches then a loud thump as something fell out of the trees.
The other technicians gasped and jumped as it hit the ground.
  “What is that, a koala bear?” said the detective.
  “Koalas aren’t bears, they’re marsupials,” said the policeman, he stepped towards the lump of grey fur, its back mottled with black spots. “And these trees sure as hell aren’t Eucalyptus.”
He gave the thing a nudge with his boot, and felt thick bone under its rump, but it didn’t move otherwise. He rolled it over onto its back to see its face, a grey little snout with a wide forehead, like a wombat, but sharp teeth.
  “Well, bugger . . . they got the drop on another tourist . . .”
  “What?” said the detective, approaching the creature, shaking his head. “No way, you’ve gotta be kidding, it’s a myth. They’re not real are they?”
  “Oh, they’re real, I’ve just never seen one so close to town, before,” said Officer Franklin. “We’d better call in animal control . . .”
Franklin walked out of the crime scene, Henries standing anxiously by the chequered tape.
  “What is it, cuz.”
  “D.B., Henries. Call in animal control,” said Franklin, then he turned to Farmer Brown. “Look, mate, it’s a right tragedy and you’re not at fault. But if you’re not going to fence off this area, I recommend that you put up a sign warning tourists about the drop bears.”
  “What, really? This close to town?”
  “Hey, they’re as scared of us as we are of them,” he said, glancing into the crime scene. “So, if people don’t start taking them seriously, we’re gonna have a real problem on our hands . . .”

The Hunter's Guide to Monsters - Chapter Nine

It is said that there are some things worse than death . . . tonight, we meet one of them. Feel pain, panic and pity for the tortured soul we call 'CHUPACABRAS':

Chupacabras /chū'pəkahbrə/ n. 1. A legendary creature in the folklore of parts of the Americas, supposed to attack and drink the blood of livestock, especially goats.

9. Chupacabras
  by Hunter Jeremiah

A rare and unusual monster, the chupacabras is a disturbing freak of nature with a dreadful history. For ages and ages, it was believed that the chupacabras was a result of satanists or Native American lingerlings or even misremembered nightmares from R-rated sci-fi horror movies. But the truth is more unusual than that. Also known as a ghoul, grunch, hodag, jersey devil, wechuge or wendigo
The chupacabras is in fact a mutation of the werewolf, caused by vampire venom. The unusual, metamorphic bone structure of a werewolf causes the teratogenic properties of the venom of grow sharp spines from the backbone, hair loss, muscular deterioration, ichthyosis, ocular dilation & hyperphagia.
So, the chupacabras has skinny arms and legs and often gaunt facial features. They will have patchy hair, and scaly often discoloured skin. Their hindlegs are often weakened, forcing them to run on all fours or hop like a kangaroo, and their heads will often have sunken eyes and retracted lips, exposing gums and jagged teeth, and they usually have long claws on their thin fingers and toes.
They also occasionally, but not always, have a tail.
The chupacabras is, in fact, sick; and a form sickness. If you are in any way bitten or scratched by the spines of these creatures, or even if you accidentally touch, consume or inhale any of the creature's bodily fluids, you too will be infected with this horrific and painful mutation. Whilst I pity the poor creatures that suffer from this disturbing sickness, they are incredibly dangerous and must be put out of their misery.
If the wretched hands of twisted pain, can scratch your flesh or mark your veins, as the sickness torments once again - you'll be screaming for a Hunter to put you down.

It is actually incredibly rare for a bitten werewolf to become a chupacabras. It requires a weakened and vulnerable werewolf to be bitten, and injected with a large amount of venom whilst the werewolf is in their animal form for them to succumb to the venom. But, since vampires tend not to bite werewolves and werewolves are naturally strong enough to overcome the bite in most cases, it is theorized by monster scholars that the chupacabras is in fact, a war orphan.
They believe that this mutation is the result of the centuries-old war between vampires and werewolves, since for a very, very long time, werewolves and vampires have been bitter enemies; and especially during the dark ages, it became a very bloody and vicious war. It is believed that, in an attempt to turn the tide, vampires attempted to infect the wolven victims of these wars, which resulted in the chupacabras being born. At the time, they were called "lamia", but unfortunately, this threat was not contained as the chupacabras is a virulent pest. It has been entirely destroyed within the British Isles and Oceania remains quarantined to these beasts; however, it is still a threat in the Americas, and has even been sighted in parts of Europe.
I find the history fascinating, but I tell you about their past for two important reasons. Firstly, these are not natural-born creatures, they don't act natural. They don't just eat for food, they don't nest or sleep and they don't attack if they feel threatened. These creatures are voracious and eat even even when their stomachs distend; they never sleep, only ever collapse or revert back to human form and they attack for almost no reason, often because they are in pain and lash out in anger and agony.
The second thing is, they are a mutated child of werewolf and vampire. They are not the beloved children of this pairing, but an unwanted freak. While they have aspects of both, they also have aspects of neither; as I just mentioned, they can revert to human form much like the werewolf, and they prey on the living much like the vampire. But, unlike the vampire, they hunger for more than just blood, often consuming blood and organs as well; and in some cases, even try to consume mud, rotten plants, glass, garbage, torn clothing, old newspaper . . . pretty much anything they can cram down their throat, their hunger is not restricted to food, they eat out of desperation. They kill out of anger, not food, they just eat the remains from starvation.
Also, unlike the werewolf, they cannot control this transformation at all, as it is triggered by hunger for flesh, and only once they have overeaten and are exhausted do they fall unconscious and return to their previous form; but, because human beings are not designed to digest large amounts of raw blood, flesh and bone (or the other non-digestible things that chupacabras feast on) a chupacabras in human form will often suffer from stomach pains, sickness, neurological issues and delirium following a transformation.
They change back into their chupacabras form when they are hungry, and when the sun is down; they do not return to human form during the day, only when hungry, but they cannot become chupacabras in the daylight.

These are wild and unusual monsters; however, just as a virus has common symptoms, and a rabid dog has common behaviours, although they act unnaturally, they can be predictable. These are some of the basic foundations of Chupacabras Psychology, which determine how a chupacabras acts:
- If it's Food, Eat it. Chupacabras are always hungry, and this is their drive. Find it, eat it. Nowhere in there does it say "cook it", they don't care, they just want to eat everything. And to them, pretty much everything is food.
- If it's Moving, Kill it. Chupacabras are always in pain due to their form, this makes them incredibly agitated and angry, and if something is near they kill it, out of anger and fear. But this applies to trees, grass and water, if it moves they attack.
- If it's Still, Grab it. Chupacabras are actually naturally curious, they have a human brain and claws which they use to investigate anything they come across, so they try to pick it up. Some consider this one of their few human characteristics.
- If You Grab it, it's Food. Unfortunately, their curiosity always comes second to their appetite, and if it's in their hand, it will probably fit in their mouth, so they will try to eat it.
These are, however, three corollary notions that drive their actions:
+ Cold is Scary. They never "seek out" heat, but they avoid cold, especially cold water.
+ Everything is New. They can only remember something if they are looking at it.
+ It Hurts. They are in pain, this leads to erratic shrieking, flinching and mood swings.
If you know how chupacabras think, then you're one step closer to knowing how to handle one safely.

Protection
If you find yourself at risk due to the chupacabras threat, here are some important notes to remember which can keep you from being eaten alive:

• Home Sweet Home − Chupacabras don't understand doors. If you are hiding inside your home, they won't know where you are and will look for food elsewhere.
• Barricade Your Door − Chupacabras are very strong, but not unstoppable. Whilst they can break through some doors, bars or something heavy can keep them out.
• Play the Waiting Game − Never face a chupacabras at night. They have superior night vision, but daylight blinds them. Wait out the night if you want to stay safe.
• Peace is Quiet − Chupacabras are not quiet, sneaky creatures, they are loud, cranky, sloppy predators, so if you cannot hear them, you are safer than if you can.
• Don't Feed the Animals − Everything is food, nothing satiates them, and if you put food out near you, you just bring the chupacabras to you. Don't bait them.
• Let there be Light − Light blinds the sensitive eyes of a chupacabra, and it can scare them. But this is a very risky move, as they may try to kill it.
• Sink or Swim − If you know how to swim, getting into cold water can save your life. Because they fear the cold, they won't follow. Just beware of hypothermia.
• Younger, More Hunger − Their transformation is controlled by unnatural appetite, so the more recently they have changed the more dangerous they will be.
• Don't Touch − Don't kick or punch, don't grab, don't even get near. Even if you can survive, their spines can easily infect you with their corrupt venom. Beware.

Hunting

Whilst, technically, it can be referred to as venom, the Hunting community tends to refer to the poison of the chupacabras as "chupacabras toxin". Mostly, this is to differentiate between vampire venom and chupacabras venom, but also to remind that the mutated venom of the chupacabras is more dangerous, painful and toxic. There have been cases of chupacabras toxin infecting people through their unbroken skin, it is a vile and painful infectant.
When hunting chupacabras, your main goal is to avoid being infected. Because chupacabras are already in severe pain, whilst some ethicists may disagree, Hunters have deemed it pragmatic that inhumane methods of hunting are fair game for the chupacabras. They are, after all, a human suffering from a toxic mutation. Your goal is to end their existence to cease their suffering and prevent the suffering of others.
Never capture a chupacabras, only kill. To capture a chupacabras, prevent it from eating, and keep it alive is nothing short of torture. Even in human form, they are sick, infectious and dangerous. Kill on sight.

Find
The only upside of the chupacabras, is that they are loud, messy and conspicuous. Whilst I often equate the work of hunting a monster as that of a detective, in thsi case you're not a detective, you're a firefighter.
Find the source, put it out.
So, your location, is your first victim. Be it human, pet or especially goat (they aren't called "goat suckers" for nothing), the chupacabras will seek out and attack, then eat their victim. Chupacabras have an unusual habit of leaving behind skin, I believe this is a remnant of their vampiric nature that they prefer their food wet to dry, but no matter the reason, chupacabras have a habit of killing, then biting into the stomach and tearing out what they can grab and eating it. This is much akin to the way a werewolf may devour human victims, but there are some differences. A telltale sign is the "chupacabras bite". A common misunderstanding is that chupacabras drink blood identical to a vampire, but with a third "tooth" unlike the vampire bite. This is not true, chupacabras tear out organs and rip with their teeth, but they tend to grab their food and pierce with their claws in a way that pierces the skin with three fingers, which leaves behind a mark like the finger-holes on a bowling ball, two close together and one further down creating a long triangle. Also, werewolves are heavy and large, and tend to lunge on top of prey, chupacabras are messier, there are often signs of a long and painful struggle, wounds will often not look like torn scratches as much as piercing and gouging, and there will often be missing fingers, nose or genitals, and in the case of animals, they often eat the ears and tail, or even legs if they are small enough, anything it can fit in its mouth.
Don't mess around, don't interrogate, don't collect evidence. Remember, firefighter, there is a blazing monster on the loose. If you find a chupacabras bite, or believe the body has been chewed on and brutalized, extremities are missing, go on the hunt. Especially if it is night time.
They're not hiding, don't play cat and mouse, get in a vehicle if you have one and drive. If you don't have a vehicle, draw your weapon of choice and run. The Hunt is on, and the longer it takes you to catch this monster, the more death they will cause.
Your suspects will either be the conspicuous rabid, monsters with sharp teeth, spines and shrieking in pain as described above. Or, in the instance that your chupacabras is in human form, they will be unhealthy, delirious, their skin often a sickly yellow colour, covered in stretch marks or cuts, their teeth dirty and bloodied and it is very common for them to vomit blood or suffer extreme mood swings. They are dying, it's not the kind of thing you can hide very well; the only reason they survive each time is because the same thing killing them also gives them vampiric endurance and werewolven fortitude, but that just prolongs their suffering. Follow the trail of blood, teeth marks, victims, sightings and vomit, you will find your monster soon.

Kill
Do not ever capture a chupacabras, I cannot say this enough. I've seen Hunters try, often using methods similar to capturing a werewolf or zombie, but it is a daft and dangerous action. Put Them Down. They have suffered enough. Let them die.
Your best method is a Decapitate. My tried and true method for taking down a chupacabras is to get in my truck, run them over and stop so that they're trapped underneath, then stab them in the head with my Weapon of Choice if they're still moving. I know it seems cruel but it's necessary, you can never touch them as there's a high risk of being intoxicated, and it puts you at the least risk. It also avoids unnecessary mess. Some Hunters prefer to get a gun, and shoot them in the head. It keeps them far away from you, lowering your risk of intoxication, and it is a swift kill. Unfortunately, this method can spread their brain matter out, which makes clean-up more difficult and if you only have a shotgun (as most Hunters do, for the sake of packing specialized shells), then it's an even higher risk of getting their toxin on you, and it also puts citizens at risk of getting shot if your chupacabras is in the middle of a populated area, which is very likely, but it does often work.
It's difficult, because they aren't bothered by pain, so fire is much too dangerous; traps often just aggravate them and they've been known to chew through their own feet to escape a trap; and because they have toxic blood, if you try to cut them or bleed them out or fail at many of the other various methods, you will leave a huge mess in their wake that can infect more unfortunate victims. The stupidest attempt I have ever seen was a man who fed a grenade to a chupacabras. Three more people became infected as a result, and the man died in the attempt. It was a waste of human life which I hope to never see again.
The only other method of killing that I endorse is Suffocate. Not just by drowning, although that can work, but if you have more experience with traps, one method is to entrap them (preferably a cage, not a snare, as they will try to tear themselves free), then surround the trap with something mostly airtight and fill it with a non-oxygenated gas you can acquire. I highly recommend carbon monoxide, as it's easy to attach a hose to your exhaust, and I find that it is the quietest method, if not the quickest.

Quarantine

It doesn't end there. The job's not done. When Hunting a chupacabras, you're in Attack Mode, you hunt, you kill, you do it quick. But after the job is done, you have to enter Defense Mode, you have to prevent the infection from spreading. As I said, the chupacabras is a pest, so you need to contain the threat before moving on, You Will Need:
"Suit" - You can't protect people from being sick if you are sick, yourself. You can purchase hazard suits online so long as they're airtight with splash protection (level B in the U.S., Type 2 in Europe), or if you have electrical tape, a raincoat, wet weather pants, rubber gloves and boots, you can wear that and seal up anywhere that isn't watertight with tape; but, you need to cover your face as your eyes and nose are very susceptible to infection, so no matter what I always use a raincoat with a hood, and wear a gasmask that covers my eyes. If you don't have a gas mask, at the very least, I recommend you wear protective glasses and a "particulate respirator" mask, even a disposable one, you can get them from most hardware stores. This isn't just for the chupacabras toxin; the cleaning solution required to clean it up is very volatile as well, don't cut corners.
"Slop" - You will need a caustic solution to dissolve and destroy your chupacabras and any bodily fluids or dead victims they leave behind. Chupacabras toxin is a biological toxin, which means it can be destroyed with a caustic solution. I prefer lye and water, since you'll need a lot and this is one of the cheaper and safer options; I use a 5:2 water-lye solution. This is your "weapon" now.
I mix the solution in a plastic wheelie bin which I purchased, as it is made from polyethylene, which is safe with the caustic soda I use. Now, this solution is incredibly dangerous, if you get any of it on your skin, you need to flush the area with water, try to water down the alkaline and if possible scrub it off. And if you mix caustic soda with water, the chemical reaction produces a lot of heat, and I find that it can melt the plastic of the bin I mix it in, so you'll need to add the soda slowly or use a metal container. Look up some basic chemistry, caustic soda can dissolve glass, the vapours are dangerous and the solution will cause permanent blindness if it gets in your eyes, be careful. Also, don't fill the container; there's a reason I chose a bin with wheels, you will need to move it around, and if it's overfilled, it will spill. It's a pointless waste, and creates a serious risk.
"Spade" - It's a bad idea to throw this stuff around with your hands. Not only is that risky if you've made your own Suit, but it's difficult to spread it effectively. I use a shovel, with a metal handle (wood breaks down in caustic soda). You will need a spade for a few reasons. If you are putting large pieces of chupacabras, especially severed chupacabras limbs or the head into your Slop, it's a safe way to scoop them up whilst keeping well clear of their spines and claws. Also, if there is blood on walls or the road, use your Spade to scoop out some Slop and spread it out on the affected area.
Remember, your job is to disinfect, not make it look pretty. It will probably leave a stain; that's not your concern.

Other equipment you might need includes caution tape and/or traffic cones. This is actually something you can purchase in hardware stores, and with this and some rods you can stand on the ground or sticky tape or a stapler, it can save a lot of effort trying to keep people away whilst you are cleaning, or marking off areas far away, if you have a big cleanup job ahead. Often the smell is enough to keep people away, but it does make some all the more curious. I find that Slop is the most effective, but if you find that too difficult in some circumstances, you could attempt to do the same thing with fire and accelerant.. I find that too dangerous, especially for stains inside of homes. You may also need some handcuffs, or just a strong few zip-ties is much cheaper and easier. Always bind their hands behind them or to something solid (I often zip-tie them to the tow-ball of my truck).
It is rare, thankfully, that victims of chupacabras get scratched and live to talk about it. However, in the instance that they do you have to quarantine them as well. You should also have fresh water with you, for safety, to dilute any accidental spills of your caustic solution.

So, set to your task. Once you have your Suit, Slop and Spade, if you have used any weapons or tools against the chupacabras which may need to be detoxified, it's a good idea to dunk them in the Slop and stir them around. If there is just blood, it doesn't take long for the Slop to get to work.
Next, collect your chupacabras corpse. I recommend that you break up your chupacabras corpse with your spade, to increase the surface area so it breaks up faster. Whilst Slop works faster and cleaner than some other methods, it can take around three hours to dissolve an entire chupacabras. Some hunters mix things up by burning the body beforehand, it does make it safer but I find that wasteful and dangerous. Also, any dead victims need to go in the slop as well. Don't rush, don't stuff them in, plan ahead. If there's too many for your Slop, either cremate the remains of the victims, or make more Slop.
Also, the reason I call it "slop" despite the fact that lye and water is clear when mixed is because as the body dissolves it becomes soapy, brown and gelatinous, which colours the water. If the Slop becomes too dark, dispose of it and make more.
Finally, pour some slop onto areas where blood, viscera, organs or body parts have stained the area. If you can pick it up, put it in the Slop; this includes grass, you can't leave these bloodstains on grass. Whilst the toxin will eventually break down, just to be safe you should dig out any grass or dirt with chupacabras blood on it and put it in your Slop.

Lastly . . . victims. If there are any living victims of the chupacabras with bites or scratches or blood on their skin, cuff them as soon as possible or separate them from anyone else in a locked room or enclosed space. Now is the difficult part.
You have two options:

- Kill them. They are infected, they have a high chance of becoming a chupacabras. Especially if they have been penetrated with a spine, claw or tooth; or they've gotten blood in their mouth, eye or any wounds, it's inevitable. Kill them, and treat them as another chupacabras to clean up after.
- Torture them. As I've said, it is very rare, but there can be survivors of chupacabras attacks. If their intoxication looks minimal, or you're not sure how bad it is, you need to get some slop and apply it to the affected area. If that's too difficult, you could apply some accelerant and set it alight. Don't lie to them, it is going to hurt. A lot. Especially if it's close to their face. It's also a very stupid thing to do, but this is their only option and if I had to choose between second or third degree chemical burns and being chupacabras, it's no choice at all. After their skin blisters and burns away, get some water and flush the area until the soda is dilute (or the fire goes out), then, get the person first aid, with disinfectant and bandages. Then, wait until nightfall and test them. Soak a small towel in warm salty water and place it in their mouth. If they spit it out, they are well. If they try to eat it, or do anything other than spit it out or suck the water, it's time to put them down. If you're not sure, wait another night, feed them no meat and try again.

Final Notes

I hate the chupacabras. I've lost so many innocents due to careless mistakes with weapon choice; misidentifying warning signs; poor quarantine practices and hasty decisions. I also have friends horrifically scarred due to a small scratch they needed to disinfect, and irremovable stains on the back of my truck, to remind me of the time when I mistook an infected chupacabras with a detoxified survivor.
Stupid, small, simple mistakes are your greatest enemy in regards to the chupacabras.
I can guarantee you that the number of times that a Hunter has hesitated before destroying a chupacabras is equal to the number of Hunters that have died hunting these creatures down. Don't let yourself become one of them.

Don't Watch Me I'm Awesome

I want to know, what do you think about children's programming? Don't answer immediately, because by 'children' I don't just mean all young people, or "young adults". There are some amazing kid's shows, like Gravity Falls, Dragons: Riders of Berk, Looney Tunes, Avatar: The Last Airbender . . . the list goes on. But what about shows for preschool children? Especially educational kid's shows.
Shows designed to entertain as well as educate our youngest. What do you think about them?
Most people seem to think they are a good idea. You can make shows for kids so that they can watch television and have fun like their parents, but because they have educationally hungry young minds, it's good to put learning in there as well, right? Well, I'd like to talk about kid's shows today. Because I think, if you're not careful, children's programming might just be "programming" our children. The Word of the Day is: 'EDUTAINMENT'

Edutainment /edjū'taynmənt/ n. 1. Television programs, movies, books, etc., that are both educational and entertaining, especially those intended primarily for children in the elementary grades.

What on Earth do ‘kids shows’ have to do with Halloween? Well, to begin with, if you ask me the idea of us using television to program our children and “educate” them is a horrifying concept. But the second reason is that this post is inspired by and in response to another horrorshow; if you have the time, I highly recommend you watch Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared. Whether you’ve seen the show or not, it’s important to this post, but here’s what you need to know. Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared is made to very much look like a children’s television show, it’s colourful, it uses puppetry and soft-foam/rounded props, light and cheery-sounding songs and often features fantastical things that come to talk about a particular topic, in the guise of education. It looks a lot like a kid’s show . . . but it isn’t. Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared is a horrorshow, and although the first minute or two of the show might look like something friendly to show your kids, the show quickly devolves into unusual or misleading lessons, disturbing concepts, creepy characters, mean or eccentric behaviours and eventually culminating in a fast-paced crescendo of gore, blood, pain, suffering and/or insanity.
To reinforce just how deceptive those colourful sets and characters can be, each episode often ends with a character, prop or set with something you often wouldn’t see on a kid’s show, as the credits roll, like a set leaking with black paint, a character escaping or a prop being burnt with gasoline.

So, why on Earth would someone make this? Firstly, because it is a parody and in many ways a critique of children’s shows. Secondly, because it is edutainment; but not for kids, for adults. I like to think of it as a “kid’s show for adults”, because this is trying to teach something to adults about kid's shows. What is it trying to teach? Well, if you dig below the surface, there are some deeper meanings that can be garnered from the themes and imagery explored, If you have already seen it (or don’t mind spoilers), you might instead enjoy watching Game Theory’s “Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared” Theory, Part One & Part Two; or Nightmind’s “DHMIS: Explained” video, both explore the deeper meanings. But an educational show is pointless if you need to analyze it just to understand it. And whilst as a form of entertainment you can look for something more (and I really enjoy those analysis videos), the surface is all we need for today. Just as, by looking at Sesame Street, you can quickly tell that it’s teaching about letters and numbers; just by looking at Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared, you can tell that it’s a show that “looks” like it’s for kids, but is definitely not suitable for children.

If you ask me, that’s the lesson here. That a show may “look” like it’s child-friendly, but not be.

I want you to think about that for a moment. Because, that’s the horror that I want to talk about today. Sure, whilst most kids shows don’t suddenly become a crazy bloodied and visceral horrorshow half-way through, I would submit that there do exist children’s shows out there that are just as unsuitable for children (if not worse), but on the surface look like they’re good for kids.
There are six Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared episodes , each covering a different topic of education, but every single one of these topics are themes covered in actual kids shows, and despite wanting to make kids smarter, these shows can teach children in a bad or dangerous way . . . and even make them dumber.

After high school one day, I saw a show come on television which I found very confusing, called Boohbah. I don’t know if you’ve heard of this show, but it is about five fat, coloured furry creatures with baby-like faces. They jibber and make raspberry noises when they jump, and when they bounce off one another they make farting and squeaking noises as they dance.
They dance around to accordion and glockenspiel music on a white background and at the end they fly, hum in unison and sleep in spoon-like sleeping pods. It also occasionally shows sketches of mute actors interacting with random props. Why does this show exist? Whilst some people have said the show is good to watch while high on hallucinogens, and I personally find it hilarious to think of a person scripting each episode (the BLUE BOOHBAH jumps, and makes a FART NOISE, the ORANGE BOOHBAH then jumps with it).
But think for a moment about what this does for children. I’ve heard that shows like this, for instance Teletubbies, are designed to “unlock different parts of a child’s mind”, and this show advertises itself as "encouraging children to move" but I can’t buy that. Because the brain isn’t something you unlock, it’s a pattern-seeking engine, and because these baby-monsters are so fat, mostly they just spin around; you can't watch dancing on a screen while you're spinning around. The show’s creators admit “we use colours and sounds to appeal to the short attention span of children one to four years old".
Sure, I get it, perhaps it just exists to occupy their mind, and maybe you want your baby to watch this and be entertained so you don’t have to jangle your keys for a while, I understand that. I also believe that not every show on television (not even every kid’s show) must have dedicated educational content . . . but this is educational content. I know for a fact that every show teaches something. Not things like trigonometry or chemistry, and not even something they were “trying” to teach, but simple things like “paper sounds like this” and “you can wiggle your toes”. I distinctly remember, as a child, that I first learnt about tap-dancing through Play School. They weren’t trying to teach me, it was just a brief segment showing a choreographed routine, but I found it interesting, and remembered it as a result. I learnt about sheep, backpacks, stars, tractors, colour mixing, robots, sarcasm, sharing and thousands more little things which you and I take for granted, because of television. We learn from the experience of what we see, even on television.
Whilst television doesn’t offer interactivity, it can offer lessons about real things, tangentially, and there are several minor things we learn about in the world through television, especially as young children because we are still seeking out patterns of how things work. But Boohbah, and shows like it, are entirely manufactured, nothing in the show is like it is in the real world. So, it actually hinders kids from learning about real things. But more importantly, it teaches them “this is interesting”. They learn to enjoy watching things that do not teach them, things that require no input, interactivity or learning. If children think it’s fun to pay attention to farting, squeaking, colourful, fat, furry baby-monsters, then how will they be able to pay attention to the human teacher wearing a brown jacket, in front of a blackboard every Monday to Friday? Even if they are exciteable and wearing rainbow colours, a teacher can’t make fart-noises when they fall over, fly when they sing or dance just to keep you interested.
Not only do they not teach your children new things, they teach your children to not learn new things, because “real things are boring, compared to TV”.

But that’s just shows that don’t even attempt education. What about ones that do? Things like, for instance, Horrible Histories. I am not referring to the current version of this show, with live action and sketch comedy, but rather the version I saw as a kid. It was a cartoon about two friends that were sent back in time by an all-powerful narrator to see history face to face and learn about it.
I remember this show as a kid, but rewatched it so that I could write about it. Of course, this tries to teach about a period of history in a fun way, but for Horrible Histories, the “fun way” consists of exploring the gross, creepy, deadly or dangerous elements of the past. The problem with this is that history is more multi-faceted than the gross parts, and worse, the way that the show presents these gross facts focuses more on the “horrible” than the “history”, often sidestepping accuracy for the sake of a poop joke, or exaggerating the disgusting or funny facts disproportionately. The show presents outdated information as fact, like Romans using vomitoriums to puke up food; cavemen cooking with fire and wearing loincloths; the Great Wall of China being visible from space & Vikings having horns on their helmets. It also presents things like lawlessness, lack of hygiene, rudeness and ignorance as common practice, even though these are just simplistic ideas about how people actually lived.
In the current version, with live-action and sketch comedy, they have added little foot-note factoids that pop up when something said has been verified historically, so people don’t confuse jokes for facts, but it still keeps the exaggerated scatological aspect.
Also, in order to make the history more “fun and child-friendly”, this show as well as many others of its sort that teach about the past, often reduces the significance of details regarding sex, murder, politics, religion and education, unless they can make a joke about it. Rather than teach history as it is, it just cherry-picks the parts that the creators of the show think kids will find interesting, but in the process often mislead children into having an inaccurate and unrepresentative idea of the past.
That’s the biggest flaw regarding edutainment, that most kid’s shows think that education is boring, so the two come into conflict. Whilst I do think the modern show is better than the one I saw as a child, it still often fails to encourage children to learn for themselves and rather than telling them that they can learn more beyond the show, and although it does try to make history fun, it still prefers to have them watch the show to learn and leave the history books at the library.

I think that tends to be a running theme with educational kids shows, “good intentions”. They try to teach, but in so doing, might teach kids the wrong way. I almost feel bad, but to me that brings to mind Bibleman. I don’t care about your religious beliefs, because even if you are Christian and want to teach your children about your beliefs with a show like Bibleman or even Kids Praise! with Psalty the Singing Psalm Book, you are doing the wrong thing. Not just because of the religious indoctrination, although that could be a whole issue unto itself, but just as bad are the ways that the show creates and solves problems.
Because of the conservative views of the show, they don’t like addressing direct problems or dealing with real world issues without a magical additive. So, even if they want to talk about something serious like depression, lying or anger issues, it never actually says that some people get angry, it shows that the problem is caused by some devilish villain with an “anger gun”, “lying gas” or a “sadness juice” or some other such stupid prop. Then, in order to defeat it, Bibleman pulls out a clearly copyright infringing yellow lightsaber and fights the villain to destroy their evil device, then reads bible verses at them and children.
Or in shows like Psalty, the solution to their problems is almost always prayer. Again, I don’t care if you’re Christian but it’s been conclusively proven that prayer doesn’t work, and can even make things worse.
Even if you don’t expect your kids to pray, these shows do and teach children either that all of their problems happen for a good reason, or that they can’t solve these problems themselves, so must appeal to something greater to step in and help. Problems don’t come from stupid props or strange men in makeup, and problems aren’t solved by fighting them with swords, prayer or song and dance routines. By implying that they do, this show teaches children that they are not capable of helping themselves, that they are inferior and must do as authority tells them and most upsettingly that their worth is only made valid by someone else’s judgement.
As they say, the road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions.

One show that I find very troubling is Dora the Explorer. This show also has good “intent”, it is actually trying to teach Spanish as well as some basics about not stealing and riddle-solving. For the most part, it does it well, however, the show has a disturbing habit of constantly turning to the viewer and asking questions.
Now, asking questions to your audience isn’t bad, I did that at the very start of this post after all. But what I didn’t do was expect you to answer. It was a rhetorical question. Because I know that you can’t actually answer me, unless you choose to scroll down to the comments section.
However, Dora the Explorer doesn’t teach that to children, and neither does its spinoff Go Diego Go!, for some reason, both of these shows constantly have the cartoon characters look at the screen and ask the viewer to respond, and actually expect an answer.
I watched the first episode of Dora the Explorer for the sake of this blog post. After the title sequence, the very first thing that happens is Dora looks at the camera and says. “Hi, I’m Dora, what’s your name?” and stares blankly at the viewer, waiting for an answer. Then she asks “How old are you?” and again, stares blankly, before saying “Wow, that’s big!” She then asks the viewer to help point at her big red storybook, to help her find it.
This was even more disturbing, because I am an adult and I decided to not answer Dora, so she stared at me in dead-eyed, cold silence for two seconds, so Dora doesn’t care what I am going to say, knowing my response is not relevant to her method of conversation.
The conceit of the show is that it is a lot like a computer game, often having a cursor on the screen and the opening title sequence showing us enter a computer, but this is not a computer game, it’s a scripted, animated show. It would be fantastic as a computer game and interacting with children, but as it is this show and its spin-off are both teaching children to talk to their televisions,
Why are we teaching children something that is wrong, i.e. that televisions can interact with us? This show disturbs me greatly. Do they believe that Dora can hear them? Do they know it’s fake?
This has the potential of hindering the way they learn about conversation. If children are watching this show and talking to themselves, this could teach them that interactivity is unimportant to conversation. I don’t know what’s worse, children talking to their televisions, or the idea that some of the fanbase of Dora the Explorer are watching the TV in silence, as Dora keeps talking to them, and blankly staring, expecting an answer.
Or perhaps this could even teach children that their television, a box in the corner plugged into the wall which cannot respond to them, is their "friend", since it talks to them and smiles. I don't know about you, but that disturbs me.

There aren’t very many children’s programs on television that just deal with healthy eating. Sure, some may occasionally have an episode or two where they say “cookies are a sometimes food” and “fruit and vegetables are good for you”, but very few actually talk about food in every episode.
I do know of one that I saw several years ago, but I can’t remember that much about it. It’s called Planet Cook. Apparently it’s still popular in the UK, but this show takes place on “Planet Cook Island” (I don’t know why it’s called planet when it's just set on an island, but whatever). It stars a celebrity chef who calls himself Captain Cook who lives on this island with a magical yeti, called Bouma, and is tasked by a computer called Roxy to create a delicious dish out of the day’s chosen theme and ingredients before the Info-Bites in the hourglass run out. So they zap three randomly chosen kids to the island via a special slide and help to cook the dish, and speed up the cooking and other time-consuming processes by having the “magic yeti” power the machines through various means, and then by putting the finished meal in the telepad, sent the Taste Transmission around the world and save it from . . . something? I am under the impression that if they didn’t send the dish in time something dreadful would happen, but I can’t remember what or why. Is this the planet’s only source of nutrition? Also, apparently the Roxy computer would teach kids other fun facts about where ingredients come from and the natural world.
I am quite a fan of cooking, and this was an interesting show which I watched a few times. Do you know what I learned from this show? Fuck all.
Magic yetis? Rock AI? Info-bites? I don’t even know why they were cooking, let alone what they were cooking. I saw a promotional ad online that insists the show promotes healthy cooking and I've read online that nutritionists approved all of the recipes, but I honestly don’t remember the meals being healthy at all. But the part I can never understand is that this show was made in the hopes of getting kids interested in cooking; yet, they forgot to make the cooking interesting. They throw time limits and audience participation and magic yetis and computer animation in there to try to make the show interesting, but just make a confusing mess. But one thing I do know is that at the end of the show, they don’t eat the food!
They stick it in a machine and spread the “taste transmission” around the world, but they themselves never eat it.
So, this show is a lie. It’s entirely a lie. It pretends to teach healthy eating and cooking skills. But even though I watched this at a kid, what I remember most was the yeti, because why the fuck was there a magical yeti on a cooking show?
It’s just another example of a show that looks like it’s good for kids, but at the end of the day it was just another set of flashing lights on the idiot box, that kids could zone out in front of at the end of the day. But in regards to cooking, this show (and several other formats of kid’s cooking show) takes the format of a competition. These kids are racing against the clock, and Captain Cook needs their help. It just makes cooking seem difficult. In my experience, cooking is very easy, and the more skills you develop, the easier it becomes to do more interesting meals. But this show presents cooking as a race against the clock, a challenge to be overcome . . . it’s no wonder I found it easier to just sit back and watch rather than try to learn the recipes. I could never cook the recipes they have on the show. After all, I don’t have an artificially intelligent rock computer, or a magic yeti, so why bother?

There aren’t many shows about literally dreaming either, since anything that can happen in a dream can also happen in a television show so that's kind of redundant. But, there is one show which, to me, is not only entirely about dreams, but also should not be shown to children.
That would be Harold and the Purple Crayon. Each show takes place at night, after a long day, and by using his special crayon, Harold creates entire worlds all with the power of his imagination, and in quite a few it ends with Harold waking up in bed. Whether it is literally a dream or we’re meant to imagine a magical crayon, each episode is quite surreal. In the first one, which is most directly based off of the book that inspired the series, he goes for a walk, then draws a river, then jumps over the river, then after a trippy song sequence draws a glass of milk and blows bubbles until the path ahead is filled with bubbles. Then he draws a porcupine to help pop the bubbles, and to thank it for its help, draws a picnic full of pies. But there’s too much pie, so Harold draws a hungry moose to help, but because he draws the poor thing as emaciated, it gets so hungry that it eats the whole drawing . . .
There is a reason most shows don’t deal with dreams. This whole world runs on dream logic, and nothing is beyond Harold, his imagination is limitless, so there’s nothing he can’t do. At least, that’s what this show would have you believe . . . but it’s not true. Harold always imagines animals and recognizable things, and it’s always drawn in a playful, friendly style. Also, everything he draws is instantly recognizable, because it’s designed to have children understand it. So, it’s not boundless, it doesn’t help foster creativity, So what is the point of this show? The problem with this show is that it doesn’t understand the book.
The book of this show is a bedtime story. It’s meant to be something you read as children are going to sleep, so they can see how imagination is amazing, and you shouldn’t be worried about going to bed. But the show isn’t made to be simple and imaginative. As I said, Harold draws entire worlds and characters to populate them. So, as it is, this show is basically about a kid with godlike powers and how he uses his godlike powers to make problems and then solve them. And, in one of the episodes called “I Remember Goldie” after his goldfish dies, Harold goes on an adventure to find his goldfish. Harold doesn’t understand what “dying” means, so tries to entice her back with toys and food, until a mermaid tells him that dying means “Goldie’s body had stopped living and breathing and moving”, and that death is natural like “being born, growing old or learning how to dance” . . . this is a surreal show about dreaming, but slips an “everything dies” message in there. I’m not saying we shouldn’t teach kids about death, we definitely should, but who expects something like this, which had other episodes about birthdays and rain, to suddenly drop that in your lap?
The premise of this episode is to help kids understand mortality, but not only does it have a lot of “floating off into the sky” imagery (which bothers me), but it also assumes that kids will understand, and also won’t make the connection of “wait, I’m part of everything. I’m gonna die”, which in my experience is something that can be very scary for a little kid to come to terms with. This wasn’t even something that the original books covered, as I understand it.
This is something which, were my child to learn it, I would want to be there and help answer their questions. If this were read as a book, there would be a parent there reading the story to their child, and after the end, kissing them goodnight and tucking them in. If they had any questions or worries, they would be there for them. That’s the main problem with this.

In fact, that’s the main problem with all of these shows. There are much better shows on television for kids: Curious George, Sesame Street, What’s the Big Idea? & My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic are some shows that I think you should definitely consider for your young kids. But I am not saying “don’t ever ever let your kid watch any of these shows”, and I’m not even saying “only let your kids watch these other good shows that I like”.
The point is, there are many parents that just sit kids in front of the TV, and leave them there to watch whatever kid's show is on at the time. I’ve gone into friend’s homes, and seen parents cooking in the kitchen whilst their kids are sitting in the lounge watching Peppa Pig. I didn’t cover it in this, because it’s not “horrifying”, but Peppa Pig is the worst kid’s show on television. None of the episodes have a point, and it just seems to have an agenda of basically teaching children “snort and giggle, it’s funny” and “learn to enjoy being middle class” (I might cover that in a later blog post, but that’s not a joke. In one episode, they taught how much “fun” it is to ride the bus); it is an utter waste of time. Or, even worse, YouTube kid shows: They are basically just nursery rhymes or bouncing characters for hours at a time. I’ve seen these shows, I can’t stand them.
You shouldn’t just put on a kid’s show and wish for the best. You should be able to watch shows with your kids. If you think “Oh, but that’s boring, I don’t want to watch that” - why are you letting your kids watch it? Children aren’t stupid. They don’t “know” things yet, but they’re not another species, they have the same brain. The only reason they find colourful shows interesting, and you don’t, is because they haven’t experienced as many things as you. If you think something is stupid or boring, why would you put your kid in front of it to learn? Or, if you don’t let them watch television to learn, then put on a show you enjoy. They’ll learn just as much if not more from “Grand Designs”, “The Walking Dead” or “Big Bang Theory” as they will from The Wiggles.
I’m not telling you to always watch television with your kids, I know that you may be busy, but kid’s shows are very short and you can read synopses online pretty quick; I'm saying, watch at least one episode, and read up on the series before your kid sees it. The reason Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared is titled the way it is is because it is referencing absentee parents, if you put a kid in front of that show, they would be scared, but they couldn’t get emotional support such as a hug.

I honestly think that a kid could learn more by watching Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared than any of these other shows. I don’t suggest you do that, but at least fear teaches you something. I’d rather have my kid be scared, than stupid. Because, to me, that’s much more horrifying than rolling a raw heart in glitter, or your skin melting off . . . it's having a child with wasted potential. I’m the Absurd Word Nerd and please don’t hug me, I'm scared.

The Magpie

As the daylight darkened, dimly,
On his haunches, knelt him grimly,
        Such a beauty he had simply, never seen out back before.
    The farmer stood, and grabbed the shovel,
    Pierced the red and rusty rubble,
        With heavy heart and weathered muscle, to meet the burden of his chore.

Dry grass and gum trees swayed serenely,
As darkness cloaked the farmland scenery,
        But his eyes stayed focused keenly, on digging deep with breathing tense.
    In brown grass, Southern Sun had scorched,
    The sheepdog laid out by the porch,
        But a shotgun, large sack, hat and torch, were piled beside him, by the fence.

With sudden click, and snap and swoop,
A bird flashed past, in flying loop
        He took a moment to recoup, as it perched upon the gate.
    The farmer groaned, resentful sigh,
    'Twas nothing more than old Magpie
        With feathers black and white, and eye, so glaring full of hate.

"Fuck off, you bastard," he snapped, upset,
Pointing shovel, in unveiled threat,
        With heaving lungs, his brow soaked wet, and cheeks now flushing red,
    The bird looked back, its head askew,
    As though to judge his threat untrue,
        "Quardle-oodle-ardle-wardle-doodle-oo", the magpie said.

He chuckled, smirked, said "Cheeky bugger,"
And bent down to the hole he'd dug her,
        Ignoring the bird, with its stare so smug or, was that just in his mind?
    To deepen the pit, this rustic grave,
    He scooped more earth with rusty spade,
        But once more flinched, and spittle sprayed, As it swooped him from behind.

To the gate, the magpie once more flew,
The shovel dropped, his temper grew,
        "Quardle-oodle-ardle-wardle-doodle-oo", the magpie said.
    "You little shit," the farmer yelled,
    And bloodied hands, to the bird he held,
        As he shook his fist, and ran, compelled, to grab that magpie by the head.

Up in the air, the magpie sprang,
He charged the gate with a metal twang,
        And as though a dog with slavering fang, "Now, fuck off, bird!" he cried.
    He grabbed his hat from the fence-side pile,
    The sack, now red, having sat a while,
        Pulled akubra tight, and darkly smiled, with a simple sort of pride.

But before he even touched the trowel,
It swooped once more, that chequered fowl,
        With startled yelp, and deepened scowl, the man picked up his gun.
    The barrel, even now, still warm,
    Was pointed at that feathered form.
        "I'll kill you motherfucker," swore, the man "I've still got one."

But even guns could not renew,
Fear in this bird, its stance held true,
        "Quardle-oodle-" BANG! . . . the shotgun blew; the magpie dead.
    The man stood there, the sunlight gone,
    Lowered the gun he had just drawn,
        Then twinkling bedlights flickered on, as folks got out of bed.

Voices perked, as people yelled,
They came outside; he said "Oh, hell . . ."
        And from his jeans, he took a shell, and chambered in the round.
    When neighbours came, all full of strife,
    They found he'd taken his own life.
        Laid down now, dead, beside his wife, in a large sack on the ground.

The Hunter's Guide to Monsters - Chapter Eight

In the corner of your eye, you might see something unnatural, inhuman and monstrous. Then, when you turn your head, you see only familiar faces, regular people. Yet, can we truly trust our own eyes not to deceive us, when there are creatures which can look and sound just like anyone else? We answer this question tonight, as we investigate, the 'CHANGELING':

Changeling /'chaynjling/ n. 1. A child surreptitiously or unintentionally substituted for another. 2. Folklore. An ugly, stupid, or strange child left by fairies in place of a pretty, charming child. 3. Archaic. A renegade or turncoat; an imbecile.

8. Changeling
  by Hunter Jeremiah

There is a lot of misinformation and mixed mythology when it comes to the changeling. Some believe they flay people's skin, some believe they are witches and some even believe that they are aliens, and I can understand why. These elusive creatures have a particular and effective skill, to blend into the world unseen, and it makes it very hard to document them. However, over the many, many years of hunting all manner of mysterious monsters, the community of monster enthusiasts have managed to compile the best information about these shape-shifting, sneaking changelings.
Personally, I prefer to call them "skinwalker", but for the sake of this guide, I refer to them as changeling, despite most people that consider changelings to be children touched by the fae. They are also commonly known as doppelgängers, metamorphs, skin-walkers, mimics & even therianthropes.
In their natural form, changelings are short (less than one and a half metres tall at most), humanoid beings with mottled, grey skin, which is often slimy and wet. They have very little visible muscle mass, making their limbs look skeletal and spindly, with long, thin fingers. They have unusually large heads in proportion to their bodies, no hair anywhere on their body, including the face, and no noticeable outer ears or noses, but only small openings or orifices for ears and nostrils and have a very small, sphincteric mouth, as well as large, opaque black eyes with no discernible iris, pupil or eyelid (although, I know from personal experience that they do have eyelids, and can blink).
Their appearance looks very much akin to the cultural meme of the "grey alien", and it's not known whether it's an unfortunate coincidence, the original source of this view or something else entirely. However, what is known is that they have mastered the natural ability to shapeshift into any form they could want to. Their grey skin is mottled because it is designed to be permeable and adaptable. They have little body mass with thin, flexible bones so that they can morph without damage to their internal organs or structures, and their eyes are black as they have a complex structure which changes pigment to their chosen form.
Because your friends, your kin, your lover; are perfect as they are, no other; could be like them, 'til you uncover - those soulless, black eyes staring back at you.

The changeling's entire body has adapted to the sole purpose of being a perfect blank, to take any form, but their means of shapeshifting is a complex phenomenon difficult to master. Essentially, their skin is porous and permeable, so as to absorb any genetic material that it touches, then their bodies decode that material and change to recreate that form. This means they are quite fragile and vulnerable in their natural state, and they excrete, or "sweat", a mucus-like substance that becomes a kind of hydrophobic gelatinous film that covers their bodies so as to prevent undesired genetic transfer and protect them from disease. In the wild, they are known to live in large tribes of many families, often around large bodies of water, and they utilize their shapeshifting ability to take animal-like forms and each member of the tribe is given a form which is aligned to their duty. Their shape-shifting ability is far-reaching, but not boundless. They are limited to forms which are no less than two-thirds; and no more than one third greater than their size; and they cannot remove or grow bones, such that they are limited to four-limbed creatures (although they have the impressive ability to grow a tail of up to two feet, but such tails have limited bone structure) and attempts to achieve such sizes and shapes often result in malformed, misshapen or just simply over-/under-sized forms.

However, to our detriment, as we are of a similar size and shape, changelings can recreate the healthy human form perfectly. For this very reason, even wild changelings tend to prefer taking human form to any other. In fact, it's rather rare to see a changeling in its natural form, as their bones tend to be more fragile, their muscles are more flexible and and their porous, permeable skin is very prone to viral infection. The only time changelings prefer their natural form is in water, they are actually amphibious (possessing gill filaments within their ear slits), where they can spend several hours, sometimes up to a day, before surfacing. When they take the form of another creature, however, they take on the shape, colours, textures and characteristics of that form, meaning that their skin becomes tougher, their bones stronger and even their muscles becomes bulkier.
One important thing to remember is that changelings can take only take one form at a time, and only their image. Whilst changelings can steal the look of a person's voice, eyes and skin, they can't recreate our brains and memories and must use their own initiative. Also, changelings can only take on one form at a time, and must revert to their natural form before shapeshifting. If they attempt to shift into another form whilst shapeshifted (even partially), they will become "spliced", wherein their body becomes a painful patchwork of both forms, with intermittent mutations, such as webbed fingers; missing toes; missing eyes; coarse hair; crooked teeth; albinism; hare-lip; atavism; scoliosis & many others. When spliced, it can take at least two hours for a changeling to rid themselves of their spliced form. The more differentiated the spliced forms, the more painful and difficult it is to remove it.

Changelings are very intelligent creatures, despite their size their brains are as big as a human's. Also, whilst there are populations of wild changeling that live in the forest, most choose not to. Most changelings take the opportunity to take human form, join human civilization, and live amongst us every day, only returning to the tribe to find a partner or visit family, and that is only if they have living family or even a desire for a partner that is a changeling.
There is a complicated history behind the integration of changelings into human society, which is because of a war between changelings and trolls. Trolls have a history of violent takeovers of forests and jungles, and if they came upon a changeling settlement, they would rampage through killing everyone, then use their strength and magic to kill everyone except the newborn and very young children. Rather than leave them to die, trolls would capture these children, and when they found a human child with a special ability they wished to covet (often innate magic), they would steal the human child at night, use their magic to force the changeling child into that form, then leave the changeling to be raised by humans. This went on for several decades before changelings declared all-out war and took back several forests, where they continued to fight for many years, all hidden from our eyes in a bloody and brutal series of attacks, and also started to enter into human society in the hopes of finding their lost children.
In this modern day and age, the war has gone cold. The rogue troll may occasionally steal a changeling child, but the parents can appeal to their local Hunting authority to track down the kidnapper and save their kid.

Most changelings are good, if unusual and secretive, people; however, this still leaves us with a few rogue citizens. Firstly, there are descendants of those original scout changelings whose mission is to find all changeling children and "kidnap" them back, which is a mess of legal controversy, especially to victim children that have "gone native". Then, there are those stolen children themselves, which often discover their inhumanity (especially if the troll spell wears off), and that can lead to isolation and criminal activity and acting out. In the past, people considered wild children replaced by trolls as "pieces of wood" or "enchanted stumps"; but this is just an excuse for them to kill their children, but this "not human" mindset does lead to a lot of abusive homes, and runaway changeling teens. Even in stable home environments, the fear and confusion of discovering their nature and changing form can lead to acting out, because they don't understand what they are anymore.
But even when the spell doesn't wear off, it can lead to issues; There are also the children of those stolen changelings which never truly discover their changeling nature, and if they have children of their own, since those children do not have their form maintained by a troll's spell, they can become a serious issue when they discover their abilities and have no one to help understand them and use them responsibly. And surgery is a true horrorshow. In one instance when an unknowing changeling got into a workplace accident, they accidentally spliced after receiving a blood transfusion. Or another instance wherein a changeling received plastic surgery, only to die when they suddenly reverted to natural form and their implant burst.
And finally, of course, there's your average, everyday psychopath. Changelings are no more immune to the draw of crime, murder and punishment of any human, and when you're an outsider in society and have trouble relating to others, that lends to a different worldview and morality. No matter the reason, when someone encounters a changeling that misbehaves, it's time for a Hunter to step in.

Protection
If you are concerned that you may be dealing with a changeling, here are some important notes to remember which can keep you safe:

• Wild Child − Changeling children may have a voracious appetite, messy hair, a bad temper, wet hands, pointed ears or even sharp teeth. Be wary of such children.
• Ask, Don't Tell − If you can identify someone else as a changeling, don't confront them. They may not know themselves. If you're curious, approach with caution.
• Hands Off − If you don't want your identity stolen, don't touch a changeling's skin, especially if it looks wet, they may be priming their skin to steal your form.
• Not a Mind-reader − Changelings copy your body, not your mind. Smart changelings do their homework, but may still lack the subtler information. Pay close attention.
• Battle Scars − The way they shapeshift, changelings can't mimic scars, amputation or other such blemishes. If a friend's freckles or scars change, be very careful.
• No Swimming − Changelings are born in water, they are amphibian, so afloat they're in their element and have the advantage. Never enter water with a changeling.
• When it's Grey, Enter the Fray − In their natural form, changelings are weak, bruise easily and are much lighter; if you want to cause hurt, do it when they're grey.
• Iron it Out − When changeling skin touches iron or iron alloys, it reacts painfully even when shapeshifted. If you absolutely must know the truth, it's a reliable test.

Hunting

Changelings are regular people, like you or I. We are only allowed to Hunt for them if they commit a crime using their shapeshifting abilities, or one which is inhumanly motivated (such as murdering a troll or kidnapping); also, we may be called in if a changeling's actions threaten to break the Silence.
However, if a changeling assaults another person, kills someone, rapes someone or commits some other personally-motivated or hot-blooded crime, that's not our problem. Police deal with those issues, and the relevant Hunting authorities have Wards that consult with local police departments and keeps the Silence while interfering as little as possible. In extreme situations, such as the instance of changeling serial killers or race riots beyond police control, Hunters do take the lead in meeting out justice; but, changelings integrate into society with the understanding that they follow human laws. Hunters are not police; we're peacekeepers, not law enforcers, and we let the boys in blue do their job.
For this reason, we may also be responsible for determining if an innocent citizen is of changeling origin, and reporting it to the local Hunting authorities so that they can inform the changeling community in order to deal with it before there is a Broken Silence incident.
Otherwise, this is akin to a hunt for a human being, it requires cunning and detective work, but the methodology is determined by the nature of the crime. Also, we are not here to play executioner, that's for the authorities to decide, we just have to catch them. In the instance of a changeling evading police after committing a crime; committing a hate crime against a troll or other changeling or committing identity theft, we step in to Hunt them down.

Find
Often, changelings are fugitives, and whether this is a case of murder, hate crime, rape, theft or vandalism, you need to find their trail. Because they can shapeshift, you can't reply on their looks to find them, so you should rely on something more solid: their motives, their emotions, their mind, their goals & their nature. And always remember that your missing person might not actually be your "missing person".
In either case of a fugitive or an identity thief, you need to find the witnesses, their social ties; this begins by speaking with everyone that has seen anything suspicious around the missing person and finding the evidence of their latest whereabouts. If we're searching for them, they are probably in some way a part of human culture, so interrogate their social circle, friends, "family" and fellow workers. These help to get an understanding of your prey and the way they act. Since they may be shifting their form even in their personal life, you need to look for evidence of their nature.
If they have no such ties, they may be a wild changeling, or a fugitive changeling that has fled from another town (this could be for a crime, but often it's because their identity is at risk of being exposed). In this instance, you need to rely on witnesses which have seen anything unusual in the area; especially look for local cafes and restaurants if they noticed any patrons acting unusual, or ordering an unexpectedly large amount of food.
Remember that changelings, when shapeshifted, have a large appetite because maintaining a form takes more energy; they have a preference for water (as in rain, lakes, rivers, beaches or pools) & in order to keep their form a secret, they tend to have a safespace in which to return to their natural form. Some do share their nature with friends, lovers or adoptive family, but they often still have somewhere in which they can freely change their appearance without being noticed. They will visit this place rather often, and it will be somewhere they have easy access to. In Hunting circles, this is sometimes known as a Changing Room, and this is our starting location.
Remember, the Changing Room is not necessarily their home and in certain situations may not even be private, this is just the space in which changelings can freely shapeshift. It will have some kind of genetic information for them to use as the template for their form to shapeshift, which I tend to call their turncoat; it could be hair, skin, bodily fluids or in some rare cases, living people; these may be kidnap victims, but I have known changelings that use places such as crowded subway trains or even mosh pits to steal a form and disappear into the crowd, but since those require a quick change it holds a high risk of splicing, so it is somewhat rare. Changing Rooms also often have a food source nearby, to deal with the initial hunger pangs of change - and remember, changelings aren't wild animals, they can eat pizza, salad, sandwiches and fruit like everyone else. An alley beside a pizza joint is all they need, so long as they have access to a turncoat. When on the run, changelings often abandon their Changing Room, but it is a font of information about their abilities, image and mindset. Changing rooms often have traces of the changeling's gel which they excrete in their natural form (which is what lead to stories of them "rending their skin" to change form).
Whilst changelings may be forced to pick a changing room out of necessity or lack of options, this space tells a lot about who they are. I've found that larger their changing room is, the less "integrated" they feel in human society (as though a need to "claim" a space for themselves), and if it's outside, they may feel isolated. If it's incredibly small, such as a closet or bathroom stall, it can be a sign of shame, low self-esteem, or even introversion. If they shift in a public place, it could show a sense of narcissism or superiority, contempt for authority or humanity; or even just youth, especially in school-aged changelings. Their source of turncoat also tells a lot, although the most important is, if they are using local targets they may be more aggressive and secretive, but if their target lives much further away from them, it tends to be a sign that they are trying to integrate. This helps narrow down your suspects.
Every single person that you have encountered so far, unless they are overweight or have some physical deformity unlike your changeling, is a suspect (note: changelings may have scars or lost limbs which affects their shapeshifting. They can recreate digits and minor facial features they may be missing, but if your changeling has lost a hand or leg, it can make your search much easier). Changelings can shift gender, skin colour, height, muscle mass and voice. everyone is a suspect. I remember one case where a Hunter captured a young woman he suspected of being a changeling; only for that woman to be found alive, raped and beaten, and revealing that the "Hunter" was a changeling that had used the story as a ploy to find a turncoat victim. Every single person is a suspect.
However, you can whittle this down. To begin with, changelings can only use a shapeshifted form if they have a turncoat for it. Even if they've occupied that form before, they need to refresh their form in order to maintain it, they could be anybody but they can't be everybody, this is why they tend to have their own Changing Room. So, if someone goes "missing", look out for doubles, or people acting strangely or "new arrivals" into town, especially those that look "oddly familiar". When on the run, they are often forced to change on the fly, but this makes them easier to find. Anything out of place is another clue. If it turns out that your suspect has left town, you need to get travelling, and start again from the top in a new place. However, the more they travel the easier it is for them to be exposed, so changelings prefer to hide not run; stick to the area around the Changing Room location until you've exhausted all other options. Your goal now is to investigate every suspect, and test them for their changeling nature. Although, if you have a suspect cornered they may run off and shapeshift again, so it's advisable that you prepare what you need to capture a changeling before you confront them.

Capture
Catching a changeling isn't much more difficult than capturing a human, so long as you don't let them start shapeshifting on you. However, capturing a human isn't always that simple either. And they can still use their shapeshifting to their advantage. More than anything,
So, for the most effective method of capturing a changeling, You Will Need:
"Choker" - Handcuffs aren't good enough. Changelings in their natural forms have thin wrists, but their brains can't get much smaller. So, you need something to wrap around their throat. I prefer a rope with a hangman's knot with five coils, so it's hard to loosen, but won't be so hard that it can suffocate the target. I know of some Hunters that resort to an animal control pole, but I find that demeaning and dangerous, since they have rather thin coils. But there have even been some that utilize a single yoke (a neck restraint designed for oxen), but I prefer something lightweight so you can hold the rest of your equipment, and also a rope can be slung over your shoulder, keeping your other hands free.
"Poker" - A motivator of some description. When you're facing off against a changeling, you may need some way to keep them in line. I think it's always advisable to keep one of these handy, even if you don't think the changeling will resist. Changelings spend a great deal of their lives lying about who they are, don't let them fool you too. I prefer my sword, but I honestly think a gun is very useful, since most find the threat of a gun enough to co-operate. If in doubt, getting something made of iron - especially if it's unprocessed iron - is your best bet.
"Joker" - Changelings are clever, as much as you or me, and when they get into a fight, it is common practice for them to steal their opponent's form, so as to guarantee a fair fight. This cannot be allowed, as it is your job to overpower, control and capture the changeling. So, it's a good idea to have a card up your sleeve, as an extra helping hand in case things go South. Personally, I favour a taser, I can slip it into my inner jacket pocket, and draw it at a moment's notice to zap any changeling in close quarters. Tranquilizers can work too, but they tend to take a while to work, can be expensive and tranquilizer needles are dangerous. But this is just a tool that can trick your target. Smoke bombs, drop-nets and trained animals can all serve this purpose well. One Hunter told me she used a "chemical face peel" to cover her exposed skin, so that when the changeling tried to steal her form, it failed and reverted to its weaker, natural form, making it easier to bind.

Final Notes

Changelings are all around us. Not everywhere, but in wet climates their numbers can be as high as 12% of the local population (according to the Archives). It may be tempting to think that we are surrounded by creatures of the dark and monsters, that danger unnatural danger lurks in every corner. But remember, not only are they quite rare, but most changelings are good, kind, caring and hardworking people. And if you spend day and night worrying about monsters creeping up behind you, a human might just as easily sneak up and slit your threat.

Phobia File: Darkness

I'm not a fool. I am not superstitious; I walk under ladders, I pet black cats and I don't believe in gods. Also, I'm a bit of a night-owl. I often have trouble sleeping, which leads me to staying up at night, at my computer or watching movies late at night. And I am not immature, I know that it gets dark at nightime, I know this is caused by the turn of the earth and I know that monsters don't burst out when daylight slips away.
However, that doesn't stop the fact that I don't like the darkness. Because whilst I may occasionally stay up during the midnight hours, I must always have a light on, I must always have a source of illumination and a beacon in the dark hallways, otherwise my mind starts playing tricks on me.
The Word of the Day is: 'NYCTOPHOBIA'

Nyctophobia /niktə'fōbeeə/ n. A fear of the night, nighttime or darkness.

I know that it may seem childish, even I think it's childish; after all it's children that fear the dark, they run into their parents' bedrooms because they're scared of the monster under the bed, the monster in the closet - it's always a monster, and it's always in the part of the room that is the darkest because of course the monster isn't real, they're just scared of the dark. Children know that monsters live in the shadows, but adults are smarter than that, we know that monsters don't exist so there's nothing to fear in the dark.
But that knowledge, for me, is not enough.
See, I used to think it was criminals. When I lived in the city, if I walked home at night through the botanical gardens or alongside certain sections of the river, the streetlights would leave me behind and I would walk in the darkness. But when I walked in the dark, I came to realize that it's not criminals that I feared, because criminals are not born with superhuman nightvision, criminals can't see any better than you can, so you're at no greater risk at night than you are during the day.
But see, these are all things that I know. I know criminals aren't special, I know monsters don't exist, I know that the darkness will eventually fade in the face of a bright enough light. I still think it is that unknown that causes the fear. It's a senseless fear; not nonsense, but a fear that you cannot sense. You cannot see, you cannot feel. You are immersed in this dark and you cannot see that the way ahead is safe. And whilst we "know" monsters don't exist, we can't be ultimately certain until we switch on the light . . .

And I believe that everyone has a bit of fear of the dark, even if it's not that serious, because it is a deeply ingrained fear. We are, after all, evolved apes. We are tribal creatures and we used to sleep in groups. Not necessarily on top of one another, but still "together", so in this modern age when we go to our bedrooms alone, we don't have the tribe to protect us, we are exposed like an abandoned exile in the wild, open forest.
So, for us, the darkness is a time to sleep and huddle together, because if we were alone and wandering awake we'd be at risk. But in this modern age when we spend so much time awake at night. People work during the graveyard shift, our cities are lit with streetlights and we often travel and communicate between timezones.
We're not made to be awake at night, in fact if we don't get enough sunlight we can feel depressed and sick. We are made to be awake and alert during the day, but asleep and vulnerable at night.
So, perhaps it's not the presence of danger that makes darkness scare us, but the absence of hope. You're not at a greater disadvantage if you're attacked by a madman in the dark, but if he stabs you and runs away, you're left there, bleeding to death in the darkness. And since we know that everyone else has fled the dark to sleep or find safety, you can't find help, nobody can save you. It's just you and the darkness getting colder and colder. And even if criminals can't see in the dark, there are several animals that can. We're not scared of the intelligent, conniving crook. We're scared of the simple, the wild. The brave and brutal beasts that belong in the belated black.

But as for me? I'm not totally sure why I am so scared of the dark, but I have some theories. When I was a young kid, around four or five, a few times when I was sleeping I couldn't rest, so I'd stare at the roof . . . and then I saw something. Red and green spots, moving around. I was terrified. I thought they were germs or teeny tiny bugs. I freaked out and ran to my parents room. I told them I was covered in bugs, but they told me it was nothing and I went back to bed.
I went back and for two nights in a row, I just stared and watched the moving dots until I fell asleep. Now, as an adult, I understand that this is just because I have an incredibly mild form of visual snow. It's so mild that I can only see it when it is completely dark, but as a kid it was pretty creepy. I got over it when I realized what I was seeing was in my eyes, not on my skin, but I think it started my distrust of the darkness.
And now, in these contemporary years, I have had issues with dark because of my anxiety. As I said, even the knowledge that the darkness is nothing to fear, doesn't change the fact that you feel scared. And when I suffered from anxiety, it was the fear itself that got to me. I was scared that darkness would make my stomach drop, my heart race, my mind go around and around in circles.

I guess what I'm saying is that the "monster" that I fear in the dark, is me. A panicked, flailing animal that sees everything around it as dangerous. I'm the simple beast that stalks the shadows, that in my fear, cannot think.
Or perhaps it is just that psychology. Human beings are not made for the dark. Like deep underwater; high up in the air and in extreme heat or cold, our bodies just aren't made for it. It's understandable that people panic when they choke, suffocate, burn or freeze; so isn't it fair that we avoid those things for which our body isn't suited? No . . . I don't think that explains this fear, because it's not that highly minded. I'm just trying to make it sound more interesting than it really is. All in all, it's just fear of the unknown. That in the dark, something else could be there, and if it is, I don't know where it is, why it is or how it got there; and I especially don't know what it wants from me.
I'm sure you've had that moment when you wake up in the night, turn on the hall light and go to the bathroom. Then, you go to wash your hands (because you're not a dirty cretin, you should wash your hands), and when you go to the sink, you see the mirror and as the dark reflection sees you, the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. You know that it's just you, but it's an instinctual, reflexive response: Who is this stranger in my house?
Because you don't trust the dark. you don't know what secrets it may hold. And so long as you can't see in the dark, there's no way of knowing what the darkness hides.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, I hope this post has shed some light on the whole idea of fear of the dark. If not, join me in the dark again tomorrow, when I'll be counting down another night leading to Halloween.