The Magpie

As the daylight darkened, dimly,
On his haunches, knelt him grimly,
        Such a beauty he had simply, never seen out back before.
    The farmer stood, and grabbed the shovel,
    Pierced the red and rusty rubble,
        With heavy heart and weathered muscle, to meet the burden of his chore.

Dry grass and gum trees swayed serenely,
As darkness cloaked the farmland scenery,
        But his eyes stayed focused keenly, on digging deep with breathing tense.
    In brown grass, Southern Sun had scorched,
    The sheepdog laid out by the porch,
        But a shotgun, large sack, hat and torch, were piled beside him, by the fence.

With sudden click, and snap and swoop,
A bird flashed past, in flying loop
        He took a moment to recoup, as it perched upon the gate.
    The farmer groaned, resentful sigh,
    'Twas nothing more than old Magpie
        With feathers black and white, and eye, so glaring full of hate.

"Fuck off, you bastard," he snapped, upset,
Pointing shovel, in unveiled threat,
        With heaving lungs, his brow soaked wet, and cheeks now flushing red,
    The bird looked back, its head askew,
    As though to judge his threat untrue,
        "Quardle-oodle-ardle-wardle-doodle-oo", the magpie said.

He chuckled, smirked, said "Cheeky bugger,"
And bent down to the hole he'd dug her,
        Ignoring the bird, with its stare so smug or, was that just in his mind?
    To deepen the pit, this rustic grave,
    He scooped more earth with rusty spade,
        But once more flinched, and spittle sprayed, As it swooped him from behind.

To the gate, the magpie once more flew,
The shovel dropped, his temper grew,
        "Quardle-oodle-ardle-wardle-doodle-oo", the magpie said.
    "You little shit," the farmer yelled,
    And bloodied hands, to the bird he held,
        As he shook his fist, and ran, compelled, to grab that magpie by the head.

Up in the air, the magpie sprang,
He charged the gate with a metal twang,
        And as though a dog with slavering fang, "Now, fuck off, bird!" he cried.
    He grabbed his hat from the fence-side pile,
    The sack, now red, having sat a while,
        Pulled akubra tight, and darkly smiled, with a simple sort of pride.

But before he even touched the trowel,
It swooped once more, that chequered fowl,
        With startled yelp, and deepened scowl, the man picked up his gun.
    The barrel, even now, still warm,
    Was pointed at that feathered form.
        "I'll kill you motherfucker," swore, the man "I've still got one."

But even guns could not renew,
Fear in this bird, its stance held true,
        "Quardle-oodle-" BANG! . . . the shotgun blew; the magpie dead.
    The man stood there, the sunlight gone,
    Lowered the gun he had just drawn,
        Then twinkling bedlights flickered on, as folks got out of bed.

Voices perked, as people yelled,
They came outside; he said "Oh, hell . . ."
        And from his jeans, he took a shell, and chambered in the round.
    When neighbours came, all full of strife,
    They found he'd taken his own life.
        Laid down now, dead, beside his wife, in a large sack on the ground.

The Hunter's Guide to Monsters - Chapter Eight

In the corner of your eye, you might see something unnatural, inhuman and monstrous. Then, when you turn your head, you see only familiar faces, regular people. Yet, can we truly trust our own eyes not to deceive us, when there are creatures which can look and sound just like anyone else? We answer this question tonight, as we investigate, the 'CHANGELING':

Changeling /'chaynjling/ n. 1. A child surreptitiously or unintentionally substituted for another. 2. Folklore. An ugly, stupid, or strange child left by fairies in place of a pretty, charming child. 3. Archaic. A renegade or turncoat; an imbecile.

8. Changeling
  by Hunter Jeremiah

There is a lot of misinformation and mixed mythology when it comes to the changeling. Some believe they flay people's skin, some believe they are witches and some even believe that they are aliens, and I can understand why. These elusive creatures have a particular and effective skill, to blend into the world unseen, and it makes it very hard to document them. However, over the many, many years of hunting all manner of mysterious monsters, the community of monster enthusiasts have managed to compile the best information about these shape-shifting, sneaking changelings.
Personally, I prefer to call them "skinwalker", but for the sake of this guide, I refer to them as changeling, despite most people that consider changelings to be children touched by the fae. They are also commonly known as doppelgängers, metamorphs, skin-walkers, mimics & even therianthropes.
In their natural form, changelings are short (less than one and a half metres tall at most), humanoid beings with mottled, grey skin, which is often slimy and wet. They have very little visible muscle mass, making their limbs look skeletal and spindly, with long, thin fingers. They have unusually large heads in proportion to their bodies, no hair anywhere on their body, including the face, and no noticeable outer ears or noses, but only small openings or orifices for ears and nostrils and have a very small, sphincteric mouth, as well as large, opaque black eyes with no discernible iris, pupil or eyelid (although, I know from personal experience that they do have eyelids, and can blink).
Their appearance looks very much akin to the cultural meme of the "grey alien", and it's not known whether it's an unfortunate coincidence, the original source of this view or something else entirely. However, what is known is that they have mastered the natural ability to shapeshift into any form they could want to. Their grey skin is mottled because it is designed to be permeable and adaptable. They have little body mass with thin, flexible bones so that they can morph without damage to their internal organs or structures, and their eyes are black as they have a complex structure which changes pigment to their chosen form.
Because your friends, your kin, your lover; are perfect as they are, no other; could be like them, 'til you uncover - those soulless, black eyes staring back at you.

The changeling's entire body has adapted to the sole purpose of being a perfect blank, to take any form, but their means of shapeshifting is a complex phenomenon difficult to master. Essentially, their skin is porous and permeable, so as to absorb any genetic material that it touches, then their bodies decode that material and change to recreate that form. This means they are quite fragile and vulnerable in their natural state, and they excrete, or "sweat", a mucus-like substance that becomes a kind of hydrophobic gelatinous film that covers their bodies so as to prevent undesired genetic transfer and protect them from disease. In the wild, they are known to live in large tribes of many families, often around large bodies of water, and they utilize their shapeshifting ability to take animal-like forms and each member of the tribe is given a form which is aligned to their duty. Their shape-shifting ability is far-reaching, but not boundless. They are limited to forms which are no less than two-thirds; and no more than one third greater than their size; and they cannot remove or grow bones, such that they are limited to four-limbed creatures (although they have the impressive ability to grow a tail of up to two feet, but such tails have limited bone structure) and attempts to achieve such sizes and shapes often result in malformed, misshapen or just simply over-/under-sized forms.

However, to our detriment, as we are of a similar size and shape, changelings can recreate the healthy human form perfectly. For this very reason, even wild changelings tend to prefer taking human form to any other. In fact, it's rather rare to see a changeling in its natural form, as their bones tend to be more fragile, their muscles are more flexible and and their porous, permeable skin is very prone to viral infection. The only time changelings prefer their natural form is in water, they are actually amphibious (possessing gill filaments within their ear slits), where they can spend several hours, sometimes up to a day, before surfacing. When they take the form of another creature, however, they take on the shape, colours, textures and characteristics of that form, meaning that their skin becomes tougher, their bones stronger and even their muscles becomes bulkier.
One important thing to remember is that changelings can take only take one form at a time, and only their image. Whilst changelings can steal the look of a person's voice, eyes and skin, they can't recreate our brains and memories and must use their own initiative. Also, changelings can only take on one form at a time, and must revert to their natural form before shapeshifting. If they attempt to shift into another form whilst shapeshifted (even partially), they will become "spliced", wherein their body becomes a painful patchwork of both forms, with intermittent mutations, such as webbed fingers; missing toes; missing eyes; coarse hair; crooked teeth; albinism; hare-lip; atavism; scoliosis & many others. When spliced, it can take at least two hours for a changeling to rid themselves of their spliced form. The more differentiated the spliced forms, the more painful and difficult it is to remove it.

Changelings are very intelligent creatures, despite their size their brains are as big as a human's. Also, whilst there are populations of wild changeling that live in the forest, most choose not to. Most changelings take the opportunity to take human form, join human civilization, and live amongst us every day, only returning to the tribe to find a partner or visit family, and that is only if they have living family or even a desire for a partner that is a changeling.
There is a complicated history behind the integration of changelings into human society, which is because of a war between changelings and trolls. Trolls have a history of violent takeovers of forests and jungles, and if they came upon a changeling settlement, they would rampage through killing everyone, then use their strength and magic to kill everyone except the newborn and very young children. Rather than leave them to die, trolls would capture these children, and when they found a human child with a special ability they wished to covet (often innate magic), they would steal the human child at night, use their magic to force the changeling child into that form, then leave the changeling to be raised by humans. This went on for several decades before changelings declared all-out war and took back several forests, where they continued to fight for many years, all hidden from our eyes in a bloody and brutal series of attacks, and also started to enter into human society in the hopes of finding their lost children.
In this modern day and age, the war has gone cold. The rogue troll may occasionally steal a changeling child, but the parents can appeal to their local Hunting authority to track down the kidnapper and save their kid.

Most changelings are good, if unusual and secretive, people; however, this still leaves us with a few rogue citizens. Firstly, there are descendants of those original scout changelings whose mission is to find all changeling children and "kidnap" them back, which is a mess of legal controversy, especially to victim children that have "gone native". Then, there are those stolen children themselves, which often discover their inhumanity (especially if the troll spell wears off), and that can lead to isolation and criminal activity and acting out. In the past, people considered wild children replaced by trolls as "pieces of wood" or "enchanted stumps"; but this is just an excuse for them to kill their children, but this "not human" mindset does lead to a lot of abusive homes, and runaway changeling teens. Even in stable home environments, the fear and confusion of discovering their nature and changing form can lead to acting out, because they don't understand what they are anymore.
But even when the spell doesn't wear off, it can lead to issues; There are also the children of those stolen changelings which never truly discover their changeling nature, and if they have children of their own, since those children do not have their form maintained by a troll's spell, they can become a serious issue when they discover their abilities and have no one to help understand them and use them responsibly. And surgery is a true horrorshow. In one instance when an unknowing changeling got into a workplace accident, they accidentally spliced after receiving a blood transfusion. Or another instance wherein a changeling received plastic surgery, only to die when they suddenly reverted to natural form and their implant burst.
And finally, of course, there's your average, everyday psychopath. Changelings are no more immune to the draw of crime, murder and punishment of any human, and when you're an outsider in society and have trouble relating to others, that lends to a different worldview and morality. No matter the reason, when someone encounters a changeling that misbehaves, it's time for a Hunter to step in.

Protection
If you are concerned that you may be dealing with a changeling, here are some important notes to remember which can keep you safe:

• Wild Child − Changeling children may have a voracious appetite, messy hair, a bad temper, wet hands, pointed ears or even sharp teeth. Be wary of such children.
• Ask, Don't Tell − If you can identify someone else as a changeling, don't confront them. They may not know themselves. If you're curious, approach with caution.
• Hands Off − If you don't want your identity stolen, don't touch a changeling's skin, especially if it looks wet, they may be priming their skin to steal your form.
• Not a Mind-reader − Changelings copy your body, not your mind. Smart changelings do their homework, but may still lack the subtler information. Pay close attention.
• Battle Scars − The way they shapeshift, changelings can't mimic scars, amputation or other such blemishes. If a friend's freckles or scars change, be very careful.
• No Swimming − Changelings are born in water, they are amphibian, so afloat they're in their element and have the advantage. Never enter water with a changeling.
• When it's Grey, Enter the Fray − In their natural form, changelings are weak, bruise easily and are much lighter; if you want to cause hurt, do it when they're grey.
• Iron it Out − When changeling skin touches iron or iron alloys, it reacts painfully even when shapeshifted. If you absolutely must know the truth, it's a reliable test.

Hunting

Changelings are regular people, like you or I. We are only allowed to Hunt for them if they commit a crime using their shapeshifting abilities, or one which is inhumanly motivated (such as murdering a troll or kidnapping); also, we may be called in if a changeling's actions threaten to break the Silence.
However, if a changeling assaults another person, kills someone, rapes someone or commits some other personally-motivated or hot-blooded crime, that's not our problem. Police deal with those issues, and the relevant Hunting authorities have Wards that consult with local police departments and keeps the Silence while interfering as little as possible. In extreme situations, such as the instance of changeling serial killers or race riots beyond police control, Hunters do take the lead in meeting out justice; but, changelings integrate into society with the understanding that they follow human laws. Hunters are not police; we're peacekeepers, not law enforcers, and we let the boys in blue do their job.
For this reason, we may also be responsible for determining if an innocent citizen is of changeling origin, and reporting it to the local Hunting authorities so that they can inform the changeling community in order to deal with it before there is a Broken Silence incident.
Otherwise, this is akin to a hunt for a human being, it requires cunning and detective work, but the methodology is determined by the nature of the crime. Also, we are not here to play executioner, that's for the authorities to decide, we just have to catch them. In the instance of a changeling evading police after committing a crime; committing a hate crime against a troll or other changeling or committing identity theft, we step in to Hunt them down.

Find
Often, changelings are fugitives, and whether this is a case of murder, hate crime, rape, theft or vandalism, you need to find their trail. Because they can shapeshift, you can't reply on their looks to find them, so you should rely on something more solid: their motives, their emotions, their mind, their goals & their nature. And always remember that your missing person might not actually be your "missing person".
In either case of a fugitive or an identity thief, you need to find the witnesses, their social ties; this begins by speaking with everyone that has seen anything suspicious around the missing person and finding the evidence of their latest whereabouts. If we're searching for them, they are probably in some way a part of human culture, so interrogate their social circle, friends, "family" and fellow workers. These help to get an understanding of your prey and the way they act. Since they may be shifting their form even in their personal life, you need to look for evidence of their nature.
If they have no such ties, they may be a wild changeling, or a fugitive changeling that has fled from another town (this could be for a crime, but often it's because their identity is at risk of being exposed). In this instance, you need to rely on witnesses which have seen anything unusual in the area; especially look for local cafes and restaurants if they noticed any patrons acting unusual, or ordering an unexpectedly large amount of food.
Remember that changelings, when shapeshifted, have a large appetite because maintaining a form takes more energy; they have a preference for water (as in rain, lakes, rivers, beaches or pools) & in order to keep their form a secret, they tend to have a safespace in which to return to their natural form. Some do share their nature with friends, lovers or adoptive family, but they often still have somewhere in which they can freely change their appearance without being noticed. They will visit this place rather often, and it will be somewhere they have easy access to. In Hunting circles, this is sometimes known as a Changing Room, and this is our starting location.
Remember, the Changing Room is not necessarily their home and in certain situations may not even be private, this is just the space in which changelings can freely shapeshift. It will have some kind of genetic information for them to use as the template for their form to shapeshift, which I tend to call their turncoat; it could be hair, skin, bodily fluids or in some rare cases, living people; these may be kidnap victims, but I have known changelings that use places such as crowded subway trains or even mosh pits to steal a form and disappear into the crowd, but since those require a quick change it holds a high risk of splicing, so it is somewhat rare. Changing Rooms also often have a food source nearby, to deal with the initial hunger pangs of change - and remember, changelings aren't wild animals, they can eat pizza, salad, sandwiches and fruit like everyone else. An alley beside a pizza joint is all they need, so long as they have access to a turncoat. When on the run, changelings often abandon their Changing Room, but it is a font of information about their abilities, image and mindset. Changing rooms often have traces of the changeling's gel which they excrete in their natural form (which is what lead to stories of them "rending their skin" to change form).
Whilst changelings may be forced to pick a changing room out of necessity or lack of options, this space tells a lot about who they are. I've found that larger their changing room is, the less "integrated" they feel in human society (as though a need to "claim" a space for themselves), and if it's outside, they may feel isolated. If it's incredibly small, such as a closet or bathroom stall, it can be a sign of shame, low self-esteem, or even introversion. If they shift in a public place, it could show a sense of narcissism or superiority, contempt for authority or humanity; or even just youth, especially in school-aged changelings. Their source of turncoat also tells a lot, although the most important is, if they are using local targets they may be more aggressive and secretive, but if their target lives much further away from them, it tends to be a sign that they are trying to integrate. This helps narrow down your suspects.
Every single person that you have encountered so far, unless they are overweight or have some physical deformity unlike your changeling, is a suspect (note: changelings may have scars or lost limbs which affects their shapeshifting. They can recreate digits and minor facial features they may be missing, but if your changeling has lost a hand or leg, it can make your search much easier). Changelings can shift gender, skin colour, height, muscle mass and voice. everyone is a suspect. I remember one case where a Hunter captured a young woman he suspected of being a changeling; only for that woman to be found alive, raped and beaten, and revealing that the "Hunter" was a changeling that had used the story as a ploy to find a turncoat victim. Every single person is a suspect.
However, you can whittle this down. To begin with, changelings can only use a shapeshifted form if they have a turncoat for it. Even if they've occupied that form before, they need to refresh their form in order to maintain it, they could be anybody but they can't be everybody, this is why they tend to have their own Changing Room. So, if someone goes "missing", look out for doubles, or people acting strangely or "new arrivals" into town, especially those that look "oddly familiar". When on the run, they are often forced to change on the fly, but this makes them easier to find. Anything out of place is another clue. If it turns out that your suspect has left town, you need to get travelling, and start again from the top in a new place. However, the more they travel the easier it is for them to be exposed, so changelings prefer to hide not run; stick to the area around the Changing Room location until you've exhausted all other options. Your goal now is to investigate every suspect, and test them for their changeling nature. Although, if you have a suspect cornered they may run off and shapeshift again, so it's advisable that you prepare what you need to capture a changeling before you confront them.

Capture
Catching a changeling isn't much more difficult than capturing a human, so long as you don't let them start shapeshifting on you. However, capturing a human isn't always that simple either. And they can still use their shapeshifting to their advantage. More than anything,
So, for the most effective method of capturing a changeling, You Will Need:
"Choker" - Handcuffs aren't good enough. Changelings in their natural forms have thin wrists, but their brains can't get much smaller. So, you need something to wrap around their throat. I prefer a rope with a hangman's knot with five coils, so it's hard to loosen, but won't be so hard that it can suffocate the target. I know of some Hunters that resort to an animal control pole, but I find that demeaning and dangerous, since they have rather thin coils. But there have even been some that utilize a single yoke (a neck restraint designed for oxen), but I prefer something lightweight so you can hold the rest of your equipment, and also a rope can be slung over your shoulder, keeping your other hands free.
"Poker" - A motivator of some description. When you're facing off against a changeling, you may need some way to keep them in line. I think it's always advisable to keep one of these handy, even if you don't think the changeling will resist. Changelings spend a great deal of their lives lying about who they are, don't let them fool you too. I prefer my sword, but I honestly think a gun is very useful, since most find the threat of a gun enough to co-operate. If in doubt, getting something made of iron - especially if it's unprocessed iron - is your best bet.
"Joker" - Changelings are clever, as much as you or me, and when they get into a fight, it is common practice for them to steal their opponent's form, so as to guarantee a fair fight. This cannot be allowed, as it is your job to overpower, control and capture the changeling. So, it's a good idea to have a card up your sleeve, as an extra helping hand in case things go South. Personally, I favour a taser, I can slip it into my inner jacket pocket, and draw it at a moment's notice to zap any changeling in close quarters. Tranquilizers can work too, but they tend to take a while to work, can be expensive and tranquilizer needles are dangerous. But this is just a tool that can trick your target. Smoke bombs, drop-nets and trained animals can all serve this purpose well. One Hunter told me she used a "chemical face peel" to cover her exposed skin, so that when the changeling tried to steal her form, it failed and reverted to its weaker, natural form, making it easier to bind.

Final Notes

Changelings are all around us. Not everywhere, but in wet climates their numbers can be as high as 12% of the local population (according to the Archives). It may be tempting to think that we are surrounded by creatures of the dark and monsters, that danger unnatural danger lurks in every corner. But remember, not only are they quite rare, but most changelings are good, kind, caring and hardworking people. And if you spend day and night worrying about monsters creeping up behind you, a human might just as easily sneak up and slit your threat.

Phobia File: Darkness

I'm not a fool. I am not superstitious; I walk under ladders, I pet black cats and I don't believe in gods. Also, I'm a bit of a night-owl. I often have trouble sleeping, which leads me to staying up at night, at my computer or watching movies late at night. And I am not immature, I know that it gets dark at nightime, I know this is caused by the turn of the earth and I know that monsters don't burst out when daylight slips away.
However, that doesn't stop the fact that I don't like the darkness. Because whilst I may occasionally stay up during the midnight hours, I must always have a light on, I must always have a source of illumination and a beacon in the dark hallways, otherwise my mind starts playing tricks on me.
The Word of the Day is: 'NYCTOPHOBIA'

Nyctophobia /niktə'fōbeeə/ n. A fear of the night, nighttime or darkness.

I know that it may seem childish, even I think it's childish; after all it's children that fear the dark, they run into their parents' bedrooms because they're scared of the monster under the bed, the monster in the closet - it's always a monster, and it's always in the part of the room that is the darkest because of course the monster isn't real, they're just scared of the dark. Children know that monsters live in the shadows, but adults are smarter than that, we know that monsters don't exist so there's nothing to fear in the dark.
But that knowledge, for me, is not enough.
See, I used to think it was criminals. When I lived in the city, if I walked home at night through the botanical gardens or alongside certain sections of the river, the streetlights would leave me behind and I would walk in the darkness. But when I walked in the dark, I came to realize that it's not criminals that I feared, because criminals are not born with superhuman nightvision, criminals can't see any better than you can, so you're at no greater risk at night than you are during the day.
But see, these are all things that I know. I know criminals aren't special, I know monsters don't exist, I know that the darkness will eventually fade in the face of a bright enough light. I still think it is that unknown that causes the fear. It's a senseless fear; not nonsense, but a fear that you cannot sense. You cannot see, you cannot feel. You are immersed in this dark and you cannot see that the way ahead is safe. And whilst we "know" monsters don't exist, we can't be ultimately certain until we switch on the light . . .

And I believe that everyone has a bit of fear of the dark, even if it's not that serious, because it is a deeply ingrained fear. We are, after all, evolved apes. We are tribal creatures and we used to sleep in groups. Not necessarily on top of one another, but still "together", so in this modern age when we go to our bedrooms alone, we don't have the tribe to protect us, we are exposed like an abandoned exile in the wild, open forest.
So, for us, the darkness is a time to sleep and huddle together, because if we were alone and wandering awake we'd be at risk. But in this modern age when we spend so much time awake at night. People work during the graveyard shift, our cities are lit with streetlights and we often travel and communicate between timezones.
We're not made to be awake at night, in fact if we don't get enough sunlight we can feel depressed and sick. We are made to be awake and alert during the day, but asleep and vulnerable at night.
So, perhaps it's not the presence of danger that makes darkness scare us, but the absence of hope. You're not at a greater disadvantage if you're attacked by a madman in the dark, but if he stabs you and runs away, you're left there, bleeding to death in the darkness. And since we know that everyone else has fled the dark to sleep or find safety, you can't find help, nobody can save you. It's just you and the darkness getting colder and colder. And even if criminals can't see in the dark, there are several animals that can. We're not scared of the intelligent, conniving crook. We're scared of the simple, the wild. The brave and brutal beasts that belong in the belated black.

But as for me? I'm not totally sure why I am so scared of the dark, but I have some theories. When I was a young kid, around four or five, a few times when I was sleeping I couldn't rest, so I'd stare at the roof . . . and then I saw something. Red and green spots, moving around. I was terrified. I thought they were germs or teeny tiny bugs. I freaked out and ran to my parents room. I told them I was covered in bugs, but they told me it was nothing and I went back to bed.
I went back and for two nights in a row, I just stared and watched the moving dots until I fell asleep. Now, as an adult, I understand that this is just because I have an incredibly mild form of visual snow. It's so mild that I can only see it when it is completely dark, but as a kid it was pretty creepy. I got over it when I realized what I was seeing was in my eyes, not on my skin, but I think it started my distrust of the darkness.
And now, in these contemporary years, I have had issues with dark because of my anxiety. As I said, even the knowledge that the darkness is nothing to fear, doesn't change the fact that you feel scared. And when I suffered from anxiety, it was the fear itself that got to me. I was scared that darkness would make my stomach drop, my heart race, my mind go around and around in circles.

I guess what I'm saying is that the "monster" that I fear in the dark, is me. A panicked, flailing animal that sees everything around it as dangerous. I'm the simple beast that stalks the shadows, that in my fear, cannot think.
Or perhaps it is just that psychology. Human beings are not made for the dark. Like deep underwater; high up in the air and in extreme heat or cold, our bodies just aren't made for it. It's understandable that people panic when they choke, suffocate, burn or freeze; so isn't it fair that we avoid those things for which our body isn't suited? No . . . I don't think that explains this fear, because it's not that highly minded. I'm just trying to make it sound more interesting than it really is. All in all, it's just fear of the unknown. That in the dark, something else could be there, and if it is, I don't know where it is, why it is or how it got there; and I especially don't know what it wants from me.
I'm sure you've had that moment when you wake up in the night, turn on the hall light and go to the bathroom. Then, you go to wash your hands (because you're not a dirty cretin, you should wash your hands), and when you go to the sink, you see the mirror and as the dark reflection sees you, the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. You know that it's just you, but it's an instinctual, reflexive response: Who is this stranger in my house?
Because you don't trust the dark. you don't know what secrets it may hold. And so long as you can't see in the dark, there's no way of knowing what the darkness hides.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, I hope this post has shed some light on the whole idea of fear of the dark. If not, join me in the dark again tomorrow, when I'll be counting down another night leading to Halloween.

Brisbane Writers Festival - Part 2: Victims

As I said in Part 1 of this two-part series, there was a theme underlying all of the panels and presentations that I witnessed during my day at the Brisbane Writers Festival, and that theme was definitely Victims.
In particular, the idea of "guilt, innocence and victims", Who are our victims? Who are victims of true crime? Which victims do we focus on? How do we perceive victims?

To begin with, one of the talks I went to that day spoke about how schools have this habit of victimizing children for their grades. School has become so competitive that children feel overwhelming pressure to achieve and be the very best, and when they are anything but perfect, we blame them, and this leads to mental illness, poor education and, in some cases, suicide. In fact, in some of the highest achieving schools in the world, they have what is known as "suicide clusters" where multiple people commit suicide within a small place and time, often with the first suicide triggering the depression and suicide of the rest. And it has been concluded that the cause of the distress and anxiety in these children which leads to their suicide is the pressure to excel.
We force these children to succeed, blame them for their failures, pressure them to be the best, and as a result of the stress from this institutionalized bullying, they become suicidal.

But this discussion isn't about education, it's about victimization. We are making people into victims, in more ways than one.

For me, the Writers Festival began with a discussion of "pretty, dead girls", because when we discuss both true and fictional crime, there is a desire of the media to focus on blameless victims. The virginal, innocent girl; the underaged, innocent child; the weak, elderly citizen. There is this disturbing need to have our victims be innocent.
Don't get me wrong, if someone starts a fight and as a result gets seriously injured, we can all agree that part of that is their own fault. However, we take this to a ridiculous degree.
If a victim has a mental illness, if they were drunk, if they are known for being sexually promiscuous, if they are a man or if they are non-white; we do not empathize with the victim as much. We're less interested. Heck, there are some victims that we don't sympathize with, because they were outside.
This isn't something I am making up, it's evidenced by capitalism in action - one of the speakers was a journalist as well as a writer, and she said that when the victim is a white, young, pretty girl they sell more newspapers (or, in this day and age, they "get more clicks"), and when black or male or mentally ill, they don't. And don't even ask about transgender victims, let alone non-white ones.

The strangest element is, there's no such thing as a "blameless" victim. Because the archetypical victim is someone that is kind and caring, 20-years old, white, female, virginal, sober, mentally healthy, open-minded, often Christian and conventionally attractive. Mental illness alone guarantees that this person doesn't exist. But a virgin and they don't drink?
In fact, sometimes, to sell further papers journalists have been known to obscure details about a victim's mental illness or race to get more readers. It's not a fabrication, but it is a lie of omission; as a culture, we invent our own victims, we desire a kind of person to be killed, raped or assaulted, and that is what we get.

Now, I understand that most newspapers don't report the sexual activity of a victim of murder, but there is evidence that people are more likely to blame a victim of rape than they are to blame a victim of rape whom is also murdered.

Heck, even kids, we know that children can be horrendous in their own way. I'm not saying that we should blame kids for being hurt, but the fact that I even have to say that is part of the problem. I don't think we should blame anyone, but the stereotypical "blameless" victim? Well, there's a reason we show pictures of children smiling, and parents talk about how sweet they are and not the other elements that make them a rounded human being.
Everyone is stupid in their own way, everyone is wrong, everyone is guilty of something.
The fact is that the "blameless victim" is a fiction, a media construction. Because all victims should be without blame for the hurt inflicted upon them. Two wrongs don't make a right, but there is a bias of people to feel as though life is "just", that there is karmic balance, but this leads to people assuming that all actions, no matter how evil, are justified unless it is too difficult to place guilt on the victim.

The second panel I saw was about psychopaths, and we covered how people care less about non-white victims, and just as insidiously, there is a precedent for child-murderers to receive less harsher penalties if they are female. Mothers or fathers, even if they commit the same crime, are judged differently.
But, more than anything else, that second panel flipped the script from real crime to fiction. When we write stories, we use the same sensibilities as when we read the news or read true crime. We are still more drawn to the "blameless victim" and in instances when the victim is not a white, young, healthy, virginal girl - that lack of "blamelessness" is often the focus of the story.
But, as real life and research into the facts shows us, everyone can be the victim of crime.

It's as though, when we see victims, we attempt to empathize with the criminal, and think "well, it would be difficult for me to hurt this victim, because I would easily overpower them; so I feel bad for them",
Now, whilst empathy is what makes us moral people, it is this very function that lets us down, because if we look at a victim and think "Yeah, I could hit them" or "yeah, I understand why they were raped" and blame the victim, then we don't empathize with them at all.
And when you consider this from the perspective of writing fiction, it means we are essentially empathizing with the villain. whilst I question the concept of "evil" since I feel as though the term itself carries too much weight; we're talking about criminals; rapists, murderers, thieves, stalkers and psychopaths.
This is why I titled the first part as I did, when we are writers, we are the perpetrators of the narrative, we perpetuate this social narrative that victims are innocent. Because when someone dies, we consider it a pointless waste of life; but when we blame the victim, empathize with the criminal & dehumanize the ugly, the mentally ill, the ethnically diverse or the transgender; you are essentially saying that it's not a waste of life, it's just disposing of the trash.
At least two of the panels I went to discussed how we empathize with the villain, with the criminal; and I am not saying we should never see stories from the villain's perspective, but I truly appreciated the last panel where several writers discussed blurring the lines between innocent and guilty, the yin and yang of morality, giving the hero a dark spot, and the villain a light quality.

I think this is the way to stop victim blaming; to expose the diversity in not just morality, but also perceived innocence. And also, to challenge the media construct of the pretty, dead girl. Men are victims of crime; people if diverse ethnicities are victims of crime; homosexuals, transgendereds and non-heteronormative people are victims of crime; drunk and mentally ill people are victims of crime & yes, so too are the young, white and female. And until we have the capacity empathize with them all, we're going to be another part of the problem.

In conclusion, yes, I understand that it may seem hypocritical for me to write a post about people whom I think deserve to die, only to follow that up blaming people for

The Hunter's Guide to Monsters - Chapter Seven

Tonight, we take a step away from suburbs, society and streetlights towards those forgotten trees, caves and hollows. Because whilst we have left the wilds behind, those untamed savages that remain behind are the topic of tonight's chapter, the 'APE-MAN':

Ape-man /ayp-man/ n. 1. A hypothetical primate representing a transitional form between true humans and the anthropoid apes, considered by some as constituting the genus Australopithecus. 2. A human assumed to have been reared by apes.

7. Ape-men
  by Hunter Jeremiah

The ape-man is worst kept secret in the world of monster hunting. They are a global epidemic, with different names all around the world: bigfoot, sasquatch, skunk-ape; barmanou, mande barung, orang pendek; abominable snowman, yeren, yeti & yowie.
Thankfully, the very things that make them difficult to hunt, also make it difficult for the untrained "bigfoot chaser" to find them; unfortunately, this does not satiate the curiosity of such people. The prevailing theory is that they are distant cousins of mankind which is why people find them so fascinating, but that's beside the point. All you need to know is that ape-men are incredibly large, incredibly strong, incredibly fast & savage.
These beasts grow to heights around two-metres and stand on two feet like a man. They are covered with coarse hair, except on their feet, palms and faces, and their hair is often brown, grey or black in tropical climates, even reportedly blonde in arid conditions, but in colder climates and mountainous regions, tends to be white. They have simian facial features, including a protruding snouts with sharp canines up to an inch long and squashed noses, but have been known to have human-like eyes and ears. There are even limited reports that they may even be able to speak our language, but this has never been confirmed, as captured ape-men are not very co-operative.
Because when you look into those soulful eyes, and see the spark of kindred ties, you'll soon be there to realize - just how easily those powerful arms can tear your head off.

Above all else, when it comes to ape-men, you must never forget that they are wild animals. There is this disturbing habit of people to describe them as "shy" or "timid" because they are so hard to find. This is definitely not the case, that's an attempt to put human emotions onto these creatures. Ape-men are not shy, they are territorial hunters; and are often move in small families or "tribes". The reason they "shy away" when humans approach is because ape-men think we look alike too, and they can't tell the difference between you and another ape-man; when they see you, they assume they've invaded a rival's territory, so retreat.
Ape-men are also nomadic creatures. They are big, strong and fast, so in order to feed themselves they require a lot of energy and nutrients. They're omnivorous creatures, but if they remained in one place too long, that would consume all the local plants and animals and they would starve, so they don't stay in one place for two long, the longest time they will stay in one habitat is eight days, but that's only if a member of their tribe has passed away, so that they can mourn and cannibalize the remains. Often, they will stay in one place for three days or less before moving on. These tribes are incredibly hard to find, as they kill and consume anyone and anything that enters their territory, and will often move along if they think there are too many predators around, namely humans or other ape-men.
This hide, kill, move along pattern means that habitats and ape-men families are constantly shifting and it's why they are so hard to find. However, the ones most likely to be found are the most dangerous, and those are male ape-men searching for a mate.

Ape-men mating season is determined by when the females are in heat, which is a dozen times a year for weeks at a time. So as to avoid inbreeding, at this time male ape-men leave their tribes and seek out a female. These ape-men are incredibly dangerous. Like I said, they have trouble telling the difference between us and them, so if they see a person when they're seeking out a female, they will assume it's a rival male and will often challenge it.
The way that rival males assert dominance is through eye contact. They stare one another down, and if neither looks away, they attack with teeth and fists. There have even been reports of ape-men confusing people for a potential mate and raping them, although this is unconfirmed, as ape-men do have mating displays and rituals.
This is why it's so dangerous for people to go looking for these ape-men. Their senses are much better than human senses, they can see, hear and smell you way before you can see them. The only way you'll actually see one face to face, is when they're at their most aggressive; so if it sees you, you won't survive to tell anyone about it.

Unfortunately, it is also those wandering males that create issues for the Hunting community, as they are the ones most likely to enter into civilized areas hunting for a mate. Thankfully, even in heat the male ape-man will avoid heavily populated areas such as cities or suburbs, but more rural areas, or towns with a low population density are at a high risk of ape-man attack when their tribes are in the surrounding area, especially when towns are close to wooded areas, mountains, bushlands, deserts, wetlands or even some beaches.
Also, I feel compelled to mention that some people have attributed magical abilities to the ape-man, such as the ability to turn invisible, hypnotize people on sight, slip between dimensions and time travel. I cannot honestly dismiss these possibilities, since if ape-men truly are related to humans, they would have the same supernatural potential. Personally, I have met a few ape-men in my years, and helped others to hunt them down, and I have never encountered an ape-man with any kind of power except raw, brute strength; although, if they are our distant ancestors, the ability to travel through time would explain where they all came from . . . but that's something to be wary of. Don't fall into the conspiracy theory trap. Because of the ape-man's spread into popular culture, there are several theories as of how to find and capture one. Ignore such nonsense, I am here to give you knowledge from my experience. These creatures are animals, and this is how you handle them . . .

Protection
If you find yourself in danger of being confronted by an ape-man, here are some important notes to remember which can keep you alive:

• Home Sweet Home − Ape-men don't understand doors. If you go home, draw the curtains and lock the windows and doors, they won't know where you are.
• Let there be Light − Ape-men are simple creatures, they're scared of fire and torchlight, as it blinds and exposes them. A torch can save your life.
• Think and Drive − Large animals and loud noises intimidate ape-men, so a car is your safest place. A loud, running engine, car horn and headlights terrify them.
• Hell if it Smells − Male ape-men in heat emit a strong, musky smell like rotten eggs; this smell is a warning that danger is near, regard it wisely.
• Safety in Greater Numbers − Large numbers of people can make an ape-man nervous; it's no guarantee they won't attack, but being alone guarantees that they will.
• Don't Stare − If an ape-man sees you staring, they see it as a threat and attack. A helmet, veils, or even dark sunglasses might stop them charging.
• Sink or Swim − If you know how to swim, getting into deep water is your safest bet. Ape-men are heavy, waterlog quickly and often won't follow for fear of drowning.
• Play the Waiting Game − Ape-men feel safe when hidden, need to hunt daily and they migrate often; if you can last the night, they will usually have moved on.
• Carry a Big Stick − Ape-man are strong and brutal, if you are attacked, you'll only survive with a weapon of some kind. Bare hands are dead hands.

Hunting

It's important, for several reasons, to remember that ape-men are wild animals, they have no known supernatural abilities. This makes them unpredictable at times and you should be careful, but it also means that they are not motivated by a desire to kill. They eat, sleep, mate & poop, and only hunt when they need to. There's no reason to seek out these creatures and try to exterminate them; most of the time, if you leave them alone, they will leave you alone.
In fact, because they are so unremarkable, from a supernatural standpoint, some people even question why ape-men are considered creatures of the dark; and to answer that, you need to know that vampire-human politics are complicated. It's claimed that undomesticated werewolf tribes use ape-men as a discreet but challenging form of prey, and keeping them hidden hides werewolves; however, there's also a prevailing theory that by limiting human intervention and by extension the hunting of ape-men, ape-men population was allowed to grow, and because ape-men tribes often inhabit the same areas as wild werewolf tribes, by reducing human knowledge of ape-men and allowing their populations to increase, it forces werewolves to become urban and domesticated.
I mention this because, despite the huge population of ape-men hidden in the wild, some supernatural authorities (especially in colder climates) have strict laws that prohibit Hunters from killing ape-men. In those cases, or if you're unsure of the local laws and don't want to risk the penalty, the only option is "contain, sedate, release".

Find
It's closer to stalking wild game than investigating a murder, but the same basic methodology can help you in this case. Ape-men are hunted when they nest too closely to civilization, damage property or attack local animals. Or, if they kill a person near town. If a person out in the wild is killed by an ape-man, it's just a wild animal attack and a Hunter will only be called in if there's damning evidence that we need to conceal from local authorities. But if you're called to a populated area, finding your ape-man is not the difficult part, it's finding them without them finding you first.
In the instance that an unarmed civilian has been attacked, your victim will be dead and human. Ape-men only kill smaller animals for food, and when they kill people for food, they take all the meat, even the bones, with them.
If there is a body left behind, the corpse will often show severe blunt-force trauma, broken bones, internal bleeding, internal bruising and forceful dismemberment. But the key determining factors of an ape-man attack are superficial bites around the face and torso, and a rotten, musky smell in the area around the body; if you find these, you are facing a male ape-man during mating season.
However, if there's no body, your victim may very well just be a witness. In my experience, ape-man mythology and local lore tends to skew people's memories to fit their personal narrative, if your witness identifies the creature as a "bigfoot" or "sasquatch" ask them to describe what they think that means, so you can tell separate fact from fiction; just remember to focus on location, movement and smell; you must determine if this is a male ape-man in heat or not. And no matter the victim, your goal is to determine where the creature is now. If they left the town, you need to determine if they are a safe distance away, and if they are within town, you need to find them quickly to prevent more attacks.
The evidence you gain from the victim should help you determine your suspects. If you can guarantee that you're facing an ape-man, then you need to determine whether it's in heat or not; or, as some in the business colloquially call them, a Curious George or a King Kong. A Curious George is just an ape-man that got too close to town, damaged property or hurt wildlife; and in those cases, your goal is to move them along. Either stay in town for three days and keep people away, or head into the nest and scare them off with loud noise and bright lights. They are easy enough to find, often they come near towns to find drinking water. However, if you're facing a King Kong, you'll probably have to kill it.

Once you have investigated your victim, you know what you're facing, you can use the evidence and testimony you've gained to track down the location, which is to say their nest. For a Curious George, their nest will most likely be near the edge of town where city meets nature, a short distance into the wilderness. Ape-men like to get to safety as fast as possible, so in open spaces they prefer to run in rather straight lines to the closest cover or shelter. So, from their last known position, either where they were witnessed or the scene of the crime, if you can find any more evidence they have left behind, such as spilled blood, fur or their iconic footprint with the opposable big toe, you can usually follow a direct line between the two points, and follow it along to the tree-line, and you'll be half-way to finding them. This will often also lead you to a King Kong; unfortunately, these kinds of ape-men may be bold enough to look for shelter within a populated town, especially if they were last witnessed at night time, so if you find the ape-man's trail leading away from the tree-line and into town, you need to search for barns, cellars, even stables and henhouses if they're big enough, ape-men usually have a nest at least 6 square metres in size, anything smaller than that you can ignore. If you're in a more urban location, they've been known to break into closed shopping malls, car parks; private garages; particularly overgrown gardens and parks; sheds; dark and empty houses; warehouses & I've even encountered one that broke into a public toilet and hid inside. In more rural areas, you are looking for somewhere large and empty, but in more urban settings, just look for broken glass and witnesses, ape-men don't understand what glass is, and often walk right through it, oblivious. Within city limits, you're looking for a male ape-man that has made a temporary nest; it's usually evidenced by the rotten, musky smell and the presence of scat and hair. You are not to enter an ape-man nest unless you know it's safe, or you're about to attempt a capture. Ape-men are incredibly territorial, even of their temporary nests, and will kill anything that tresspasses within.

Capture
If you're capable of catching an ape-man without killing it, it's important not to cause undue harm to the animal. That keeps you safe because an ape-man in agony can lash out unpredictably, and of course, it's a living creature, it's your job to move it not torture it. For the least harmful method of capturing an ape-man, You Will Need:
"Glare" - This is you. Ape-men will not run wildly into a trap, they are smart enough to know what a trap looks like, but they will run wildly into a challenge to their alpha-male bravado. If you stare down an ape-man, they will charge. For safety, some people prefer to create a "stare-crow", a false scarecrow with photorealistic eyes that can stare for them and keep them safe. These can work, but they are not easy to make, and some ape-men don't fall for it, especially if it is still and lifeless, but I always prefer to use myself as the glare.
"Flare" - This is what will keep you safe, a source of bright light that can be turned on at a moment's notice, my preference is for a heavy duty spotlight torch, you can buy one from most camping stores. Staring at an ape-man will get you killed, because an ape-man will charge you down and attack any glare that stares them down, but if you shine a light directly in their eyes as they lunge. This blinds them and allows you to side-step the creature's motion, much like a bullfighter, so you can then capture them. Of course, this becomes easier with different glares, but you may want to consider other forms of light, I know some Hunters much prefer short-fuse firecrackers, and I even know one girl that prefers to use a flare gun, to great effect. Whichever
"Snare" - You will need something to bind the creature which you can throw to tangle the creature. Personally, I have a fondness for barbed wire, as it's lightweight enough to easily throw so that it uncoils and falls over the creature. The barbs stop the creature from struggling, as they quickly learn that trying to escape causes it pain, but they're not long enough to cause severe damage. However, a lot of Hunters prefer chain drop nets, and whilst I agree that chain nets are less likely to cause any pain, ape-men are clever enough to remove a net that's been thrown over them. So, whilst it can be effective, you need to have your wits about you and move quickly to secure a net.
This one is quick and simple, find it, blind it and bind it. There's not much more to it than that, because if you don't succeed, try again. It would take hours to tire out an ape-man, so don't even try, the snare should be chosen to use its strength against it, or to bind its arms

In almost every situation, these are all that you will need. But to make the entire process easier, there are some other materials that you may prefer to use. Some Hunters prefer to set their trap in the ape-man's nest, so they require a winch, hinges and pulleys to set up their trap. For this reason, it's advisable to keep their weapon of choice handy if they enter the ape-man's nest and it's not as empty as they hoped or their trap is not set up properly. I always carry it just in case, as ape-men will often detect you before you get close, because of your smell; but to prevent this, it's a good idea to keep perfume or some kind of air freshener or deodorant handy to help cover their smell, anything floral or organic is effective, especially if it smells like local plant-life. I also highly recommend extra rope or chains, in case your snared ape-man is difficult to wrangle.

Also, it's important to have a form of cargo transport, such as a truck, a caged trailer or a windowless van but preferably something offroad, because if your goal is not to kill your captured ape-man you need to get it in a transport and take it far away, a distance of at least five kilometres from this and any other populated area. If you have a long drive ahead of more than half a day, you may need to bring food. Ape-men need at least 7 kilos of food a day. I recommend dried nuts and fruit and beef jerky every second day if you're driving for over a day, since ape-men are messy eaters when you drive along, and if you give them fruit and whole animals, you'll have to clean rotten pieces of fruit, old bones and stinking meat out of your truck after you release them. It's messy work, but if you want them to be alive and healthy when you set them free, it takes effort. However, if you don't need to keep them alive and healthy, there are methods for that too.

Kill
Ape-men are just animals living by their nature, so if you can keep them alive, you should. However, they are a severe danger to locals, so if you or someone else is in direct danger from the ape-man you're hunting or if attempting their capture will put anyone in danger, you should kill them; it's best for all involved, including this hormone-fueled rage monster which has become ferocious through its own nature.
To kill an ape-man, the easiest method is a Headshot. Get a hunting rifle and aim for the brainpan, it kills them quickly and with the least pain. You can attempt the same with a blade or polearm, or your weapon of choice, but ape-man skulls tend to be quite thick, so ensure your blade is sharp and your aim is true, or you may cause the creature unnecessary pain and stress. Otherwise, you could attempt to have them Bleedout, through cutting their neck or a major limb, but this is not something I would recommend, as unless you are very precise, this will cause a lot of pain and torment through this slow death. However, I can't deny that the method is effective if you don't have easy access to a firearm. Being of flesh and blood, ape-men succumb to poison, internal injury, suffocation and immolation, but should only be last resorts as they are horrendous ways to die. Of course, if push comes to shove you have to do what you have to do, but the only other method of killing that I endorse is Drownage. It may seem cruel, and in many ways it is much worse than bleeding out or a shot to the head, but because of their weight and lack of swimming knowledge, ape-men quickly inhale water and die. I've done this before, accidentally, and while it was not entirely peaceful it was quick. Perhaps I add it here merely to justify my own sins, but I still believe that drowning ape-men do not suffer for long.

Once you've killed your ape-man, dispose of the body respectfully. If you know where their family tribe's nest is, put it within 100 metres of their nest so they can Cannibalize it and deal with it in their own way. I recommend against cremation, since it creates a tremendous and permeating smell which is almost impossible to disguise, but if you have a personal disposal site that is best for an ape-man. If neither of these options are available, seek the assistance of your local Hunting authority to clean up after you.

Final Notes

No matter how much it may seem like a "fun" thing to go Bigfoot Hunting or to go on an adventure of Sasquatch Sighting, I cannot say this enough: ape-men are wild animals. They say don't poke the bear and let sleeping dogs lie, well ape-men are creatures which prefers to stay hidden from us and live away from society.
Leave them be. No matter that they are so mysterious or that they appear to be some kind of "missing link" to humankind, they are not that interesting. They are wild animals that eat and poop. Just leave them alone.
Because unless you are a trained Hunter, the first time you discover an ape-man will be your last. And then someone like me might be forced to come out and kill the poor beast. So always remember, for everyone's sake, to leave ape-men alone.

Top 5 People That Deserve to Die

For a long time, I wasn't sure whether I should write this post, I also wasn't sure if I was even capable of creating such a list. It began with two people that quickly became three, and I realized that with a list of this calibre, there is a serious risk.
See, I live in Australia, and in this country it is against the law to threaten another person. Whilst, technically, I am not going to hurt anyone or incite the hurt of others, it is also technically illegal to threaten or indirectly incite fear of harm or death in another person recklessly; so, this could be seen as a death threat, and I can fully understand why that would be the case, and I do not want to -even recklessly- imply harm to another, or incite another to. So for any legal or lawful persons reading this under the impression that it is a breach of the law, please read this disclaimer:
I have no intent to commit harm on any person, or to incite others to commit harm to another person. For legal reasons, I am deliberately concealing the full names of the people on this list and many of the names I use are deliberate pseudonyms. I do not direct these messages at any person in particular and I have no intent to intimidate any person with this list, or to incite fear of harm. For the sake of my mental health, I do not in any way contact these people, and I do not intend to, in fact these people are "dead to me" in the metaphorical sense, so I have no current or future goals even remotely regarding these persons.
This list is for entertainment purposes only, as it is the season of Halloween, and I believe that the presentation of this kind of indifference towards death can provide intrigue and thrills for my readers.
The reason I have to include that disclaimer is because I fully accept that I am indifferent towards the death of these people, and in fact I think that their deaths would cause benefit because of the detriment they cause to themselves and others in their lives; and most importantly, this is not a joke. I am not inventing people, and I am not creating the events within this list for the sake of fiction, this is a real list of real people that I have encountered in my own personal life, of whom their death I would not mourn because I believe that their lives cause greater pain, upset, suffering and annoyance for - not just me, but also - every other individual that they encounter.

This is a halloween post because I fully accept that indifference towards living things is something considered "evil", but I hope that by the end of this list, you will see why I feel this way. Not because I am a bad person, but because I am a moral person that believes morality is about the greater good, it is about actions which cause the greatest benefit and the least detriment. In fact, I honestly believe that, had you met these people, you to would believe they deserve to die. For that reason, I would like to also add this disclaimer:
I do not condone the harm or homicide of the persons I mention on this list; and my personal opinions about their worth is non-corollary to any other person's desire to commit a crime. I do not wish for ANY person to harm these people (or anyone else, really).
See, while I believe that the lives these people live create greater harm than good, what I hope for is not retribution, but karma. If any of you come to empathize with my point of view, and somehow discern their identity, I don't want you to hurt these people either. I am just of the opinion that I would be unrepentant and unsympathetic if any of these people were to die by getting into a car accident with no other cars or casualties; a self-induced drug overdose; brain aneurysm or perhaps even if they realized their own lack of worth and committed suicide.
I don't want you to hurt these people; or you'd be just as bad as . . .

The Top 5 People that (I think) deserve to die.

#5. Tyler the Nihilist
You could almost say that today is the anniversary of when I decided that I didn't appreciate Tyler's existence; because it was my birthday party a few years ago when I saw him.
I brought some old friends from school and some friends I knew from a course I was doing that year over to my house, mixing things up a bit so everyone could meet someone new. One of my newer friends asked if she could bring along a "plus one", an ex-boyfriend to drive her. I knew her and I figured it would be okay, I give everyone a chance, so I said "Sure, but so long as I meet him at the door."
That didn't really happen, but I don't know if it would have helped. To begin with, this guy was quiet, in his thin leather jacket and black hair, he seemed to be just a wallflower. So, I enjoyed myself, talking to others; I didn't spend much time around him, but what started my dislike of him was when another one of my friends puked.
My friend was okay, but I knew he hadn't drunk that much (I think he was drinking cider). I mentioned this and Tyler, smirking, told me he'd put a shot of rum in my friend's glass. Now, get me not wrong, I can get behind a good prank.
This was not a good prank.
He'd essentially poisoned my friend, and since he was a stranger to everyone he had no idea if he was putting him at risk of allergic reaction or alcohol poisoning; but worse, he had spoken to no one and the first thing he did to amuse himself was spiked someone else's drink with my rum. I was trying to have a good time, and I didn't know all of the circumstances so, I moved on, but kept a wary eye on this guy. I spoke to the friend that brought him, asked about Tyler, and she said that he was a nihilist. She'd met him during her emo phase, and whilst they weren't together he was still alright.
So, whatever, I moved on. But later on that night, Tyler starts talking to me. I can't remember everything that he said because I was drunk and not paying attention; but, basically he was fond of knives, had his own in the car, and I think he liked hunting or something and he had a good car. I wasn't listening, I was kind of bored, but I got the distinct impression that he was trying to impress me because he thought I was like him.
See, I have a dark sense of humour, and I'm often sarcastic and witty (I'm not just up myself, but I am kinda clever and I think quickly), so I think that this drop-kick was trying to find a kindred spirit in me. But, I wasn't flattered, I was disgusted. See, as I see it there's one of two possibilities: Either he was trying to "play nice" with me, and impress me by poisoning my friend and talking about knives and cars and how smart he was; OR, he wasn't trying to impress me, but rather was trying to impress himself by making a stranger physically sick and testing his own mental acuity against mine.
I don't know what kind of sick, nihilist mind thinks that this is an okay thing to do amongst a group of people they've never met before; but, I don't think it's the kind that has earned their right to consume oxygen.

#4. Alison (the Troll)
Alison, I haven't met in person, but she is a terrible person. Some spaces online are not safe spaces. The ones that are safe, stay safe for a reason, because people are courteous. When they disagree, they don't carry on the drama for months at a time.
Alison the Troll gained access to one of these spaces, and a place within a popular media fandom. She befriended cosplayers and tried to make friends, until a conflict with a cosplayer lead to a feud and fueled harassment of others. This split the fandom in half, and whittled it down further when, out of desperation to have people pity her, she faked her suicide. My girlfriend was one of the people who felt sorry for this girl, and when her boyfriend came online to mourn her, she did her best to console him. Little did she know, the "boyfriend" was merely the "dead" girl, using a fake account. She continued to browbeat everyone, harass this cosplayer and several other people who were considered popular. After faking the boyfriend's death as well, and a bout of cancer, Alison started a new account to repeat the pattern, this time harassing the cosplayer and a second person out of the fan community entirely, and that second person happened to be one of my dear Beloved's friends.
My girlfriend is a sweetheart, much too caring and kind, and she likes making new friends and talking to new people in the fandom community, but Alison took advantage of her, and left her doubting herself and left her regretting her attempts to help out someone asking for help. Recently Alison got outed by a minor blog who got tired of the nonsense and gathered evidence against her; and those that had grieved for her death, including my Beloved, got angry at the deception. Some, like Beloved's friends, are even contemplating lawsuits.
My Beloved has been raging furious in the meantime. She's hurt at being fooled, at being used as a messenger for Alison, and at seeing her friends targeted. I worry that Beloved's heart will harden, and that she will become less trusting. She had nearly declared war on Alison and said she wanted to punch her in the nose.
Alison is a hazard to the sense of community that fandom can provoke, but worse (in my eyes) she was a dick to my girlfriend.
But there's something my girlfriend said which I cannot disagree with: "It would have been easier if she had actually killed herself". I disagree with suicide, euthanasia & people that refuse therapy; but, that is because I believe that everyone deserves the right to live happily and healthily. However, after all the crap she put everyone through, you can't deny that it would have been easier.

#3. Dan the C*nt
The strangest thing about this list is, for a long time, Dan has been on my list. I think it exists for everyone. I think everyone has a few people that they feel deserve to die. And for me Dan's been on it for so long, that I almost can't remember why I hate him as much as I do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it was so long ago that it's meaningless - the issue with this piece of shit is his attitude.
But, in trying to remember all of what put Dan on my shitlist, I tried to do research to see if I could jog my memory, yet I couldn't find him. I mention that because it cheered me up to think that maybe he's died in these intervening years. I'm not kidding when I say he'd deserve it.
See, I can remember some of him. If I could remember more, perhaps he'd be higher on this list (but I'd never forget 1 and 2, so it's unlikely), but from what I do remember of Dan, he wholeheartedly earns his title of "the Cunt".
To begin with, I believe he threw a rock at my head in school once. I was walking up from the oval, and a heavy rock, like the third the size of a brick, hit the ground behind me, and I looked up and there was Dan there at the top of the stairs. I can't remember perfectly, so I admit that it could have been some other jackoff from the soccer fags (it's what everyone called in school, I didn't pick the name), but Dan is definitely the sort to do it and the most likely, so my brain puts him there in my memory. He was a bully to several kids in school, and was snarky at me.
Beyond that, I only really have one other memory, so I'll have to refer to other stories I've heard for a moment. Apparently he joined the army and was thrown out for drug use. He went to a party, with hot sauce be bought online, the kind that has ghost peppers in it, and put it on the pizza while people weren't looking causing at least two people to throw up. He once threw a rubber vagina at someone as a "prank", and I did hear he tried to get onto reality TV in another country, and was thrown off for assaulting a producer.
I won't lie, the last two are less likely and I wouldn't be surprised if they were an exaggeration of some kind, but Dan is an aggressive, self-satisfied, drug addict, bully and moron.
But here's one I do remember. One time, for reasons I cannot recall, he came to the sharehouse during a get-together and started drinking everyone's rum and chatting. Now, he was just talking inane crap about how he wanted to count cards and cheat a casino or get high. I sure as hell wasn't interested, so we tried to play a videogame or drinking game or something. But he said that was "gay" and started talking about how one time he got a prostitute and stuck an icy-pole in her.
Never mind the fact that that is completely disgusting. Never mind that he was the only one that thought that was funny. Never mind the fact that this is almost entirely untrue, since any prostitute wouldn't risk a yeast infection just for one client. But, this guy was saying it as an anecdote to show good he is with women, and then started complaining that there were no girls around.
I don't know what else to say but, this is the person we're talking about and I couldn't be happier that he seems to be dead.

#2. Peter "the Greek"
Ugh . . . I'll try to write this one quickly, because I hate thinking about this jackass. I call him "the Greek" because I can never remember his last name, but I know he's Greek. To begin with, Peter bullied my best friend in school, harassing and belittling him because Peter is a jerk.
Next, Peter is racist and sexist, as on more than one occasion when a girl has approached him to ask him out, he has turned her down and said - to her face - that he only cares about girls with blonde hair and blue eyes (I'm not saying he's a Nazi, but I can't help but notice the Aryan connection there). I never engaged in conversation with him, because he's a piece of shit, but I definitely got a "European Supremacist" vibe from him.
But those alone aren't why I think he deserves to die. The main reason is that he is violent. See, back at that sharehouse once more, we were having a gathering with friends. I don't know who invited Peter, he'd never come to our parties before, but this time he did and he was drinking. He was being dumb, trying to get everyone to watch this "techno viking" video, I saw a bit of it, thought it wasn't that interesting, then moved on. So, why is that video important? Because a few minutes later, I heard him calling everyone into the living room. Our living room wasn't very big, less than 9 metres square, but we walk in to see Peter there, a hatchet in each hand, drunkenly trying to dance like the video - which is to say, he was swinging axes around in our house, while drunk.
I'd seen this guy fucking around with axes before, one time I came home to see him throwing axes at styrofoam boxes in the backyard. Which would have been fine if either this was his house, his property, and he wasn't throwing the axes around our chickens (we had five chickens, for eggs and because they're cute), even if he didn't hit them, it was styrofoam and the chickens were pecking at the ground, so I told him to stop. His response "No".
But this time, he was in the middle of our home. He was drunk and holding weapons. I was disgusted at the sheer dumbfuckery of it, and I went from zero to furious pretty fucken quick, and I yelled.
  "Stop fucking around with axes in my HOUSE!"
Dumb, drunk dickhead didn't listen, so I charged the fucker - and know, I was furious. I knew this guy was dangerous and arrogant, I knew he was a bully, I wasn't going to reason with him, so I decided all I was going to do was get those axes out of his hands.
I pushed him into the wall, then dragged him to the window and tried to force him to drop them outside. It was then he threatened me saying he'd hit back with the axes, but I was just going to get them away from him.
He pushed me back, but then another mate of mine, Ryan, charged. Ryan is fat, but not (in my opinion anyway) horribly so, he's only slightly overweight, but because he's tall, slightly overweight is about 160 kilos. He jumped on Peter and wrenched the axes from his hands. Luckily, once he saw that everyone (not just me) was glad that he'd been disarmed, he left the house in a huff.
I didn't kill him that night, because I didn't want to be a murderer. Don't get me wrong I'm not bragging, I don't want to kill anyone (which is why I fully endorse the disclaimer above); but when I shoved him against the wall, I had a second, but in my adrenaline fueled state, it felt like ten seconds, where his head was against the wall, and I thought "if I punch him in the temple, it might just rattle around his brain and put him down"; I decided not to do that. Then, when I tried to get the axes out the window, I pulled both of his hands out the second-storey window, and his head followed, and I realized "if I let go of one hand and put my hand between his legs, I could throw him out the window"; but I decided not to do that.
I could have killed the Greek that night, and Peter is very lucky that I am not a murderer, but that doesn't mean that I think he deserves the life he has.

#1. "Billy" the Stoner
The weird thing is, whilst number two on this list makes me furious, and boils my blood even to think about, you may be lead to believe number makes me even angrier. But he doesn't, really. Yes, I do hate Billy, but he's not violent, he's more pitiful. I don't pity him, and I don't feel sad for him, but it can't be denied that his level of personhood is just so much less.
To begin with, Billy is a stoner. He smokes weed, and I have nothing against people that smoke it, but he is a stoner, he does it every single day and he doesn't have a job, I even heard that his parents pay for it (don't ask me why, I don't really care).
Now, see, that alone would make me pity him, and if I liked him I'd even call him or go over and talk about getting help. But I don't do that, because Billy only cares about Billy. Billy is an incorrigible egomaniac and narcissist.
Every conversation with Billy is a conversation where he tries to prove that he is a genius, which is unfortunate because Billy is stupid; he wasn't that clever before he became an addict, but he's even stupider now. He just talks about conspiracy theories and memes. I literally cannot have a conversation with him, because any attempt will be derailed so he can talk about what he wants to talk about, which is something he misheard, misunderstood, or believes because he's stupid.
You can't teach Billy, because Billy only believes words that come out of Billy's mouth.
As someone who prides themself on truth, reason and intellect, the fact that Billy enjoys deluding himself, then sharing those delusions with others is antithetical to me to the very core. But that's not why I think he deserves to die.
The reason why is because - like most narcissists - Billy is a misogynist. On three separate occasions, Billy tried to sleep with the girlfriend of one of my friends. Because of course "Billy is better than your boyfriend" according to Billy. That is lowly and disgusting, and he is always turned down because of course, but on one occasion when a girl turned him down, he began stalking her. He'd call, text and message her online, and when she said to go away, he started sending threats and threatening images, like her face with her eyes coloured in red.
And on more than one occasion, he's told people that he's slept with their girlfriend and he even tried to harass my friends by messaging them at random to tell them that he'd slept with her. Why? Because Billy thinks Billy is a master manipulator, that can play puppetmaster. But of course, he can't, because billy is just a worthless stoner.
Billy is disgusting. He's a leech on society, he offers nothing, learns nothing, teaches nothing and all the people he meets he either annoys, insults, harasses, threatens or disgusts. That's why he's number one on this list. I'm just surprised that he hasn't killed himself out of his own worthless stupidity; or threatened the wrong person, and gotten himself killed. I'd pity him, but I don't think he's even worth that.


Anyway, that's my list. I hope you don't think less of me. Or, if you do, I hope I've not done so to the degree that you'd put me on a list like this. The only reason I wrote this list is because this is my actual opinion, and I thought you would enjoy it. I don't want to kill these people, but I honestly believe they'd be worth more dead than alive; and I don't think I'm the only one that feels that way. I'd be curious to know the people you think deserve to die, but if you are going to write a list like this, be careful, check the laws in your country and don't go threatening anyone else.
A threat is serious business, and while I'm deadly serious about this list, I am not actually deadly.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and if you want to avoid joining the people on this list, perhaps you should stick around for the rest of this year's Halloween Countdown . . .

A Mind is a Terrible Thing

Good evening, my dreadful droves of dedicated drones. I'm the Absurd Word Nerd and things have taken a dark turn here on the blog, because the year is 2016 . . .
In January this year, the World Health Organization announced an outbreak of the Zika Virus. In February, North Korea launched a military test rocket into space, breaking several UN treaties. In March, several bombings in Brussels, Belgium killed 32 people and injured at least 250. In April, 193 people died due to a clash between Armenian and Azerbaijani militaries. In May, EgyptAir Flight 804 crashed, killing 66 people. In June, the United Kingdom left the EU, sending the country into chaos. In July, Philippines won the case for the South China Sea, setting in motion several tensions threatening to incite war in Asia. In August, a Syrian Civil war broke out between Turkish/Syrian fighters and ISIS. In September, North Korea conducted its largest ever nuclear test.

And today, on the eighteenth day of the month of October, I celebrated my twenty-fifth birthday.

 . . . and so say all of us.

Yes, today is my birthday. at least, it will be in the future. Well, it is currently, but I am writing this post in the past, so it isn't my birthday for me, but it is for you. Although, it will be for me when you read this . . . so, yes, today is my birthday.
I apologize, I am just wasting your time. Also, I do this every year, so I hope it doesn't seem wasteful to repeat once more:

A count of the days, counting down from thirteen,
From today, thirteen nights till we see Halloween.

You see, I have noticed that, in the past, the words I chose for the very first day of the countdown became a kind of arbitrary theme for the entire Halloween Celebration. See, 2013's first word was 'MONSTER', and I wrote about monsters in fiction, arachnid monsters and the monsters within my mind. 2014's word was 'BLOODY', and about how blood makes me feel vulnerable, and I wrote about fears that make me weak, the frailty of life, and the times my life nearly ended. Last year, 2015, I wrote about 'ANXIETY', and the conflicting, two-sided nature of how it stops and starts my creativity, then the entire post was about multi-faceted myths and creatures, I made a parody of decorating ideas (a two-faced post) and half of the countdown was about placing two creatures in conflict, fighting for supremacy.

I do not do this by design, so either the original post lends itself to the rest of the countdown's attitude, . . . or I'm wasting your time trying to invent some greater meaning to these posts.
Speaking of, the Word of the Day is: 'WASTE'

Waste /wayst/ v.t. 1. To use up or spend, without enough result; use to no avail; squander: To waste time; to waste words. 2. To fail to use: To waste an opportunity. 3. To destroy or wear away gradually. 4. To wear down or reduce in health or strength; emaciate; enfeeble: To be wasted by disease or hunger. 5. To destroy, devastate or ruin: A country wasted with fire and sword. 6. Colloquial To murder. ♦v.i. 7. To be used up or spent without enough result. 8. To become physically wasted, lose flesh or strength (often followed by away). 9. To diminish gradually: His health is wasting away. 10. To pass gradually: Time is wasting. ♦n. 11. The useless spending or use without enough result: Waste of material; waste of money. 12. Neglect, instead of use: waste of opportunity. 13. A gradual destroying; decay: The waste and repair of bodily tissue. 14. Ruin or devastation, as from war, fire, etc. 15. → Wasteland (see definition). 16. Anything left over from production: Industrial waste. 17. Go to waste, to fail to be used; be wasted. 18. Lay waste, to destroy; devastate; ruin. ♦adj. 19. Not used, or in use: Waste energy. 20. (of land, regions, etc.) rough, uncultivated and lonely. 21. Left over or unnecessary: Waste products of manufacture. 22. Physiology Relating to material unused by or unusable to the organism. 23. Carrying waste material.

No, I am not planning on wasting your time. In fact, I like to be efficient. It's something that concerns me often, being efficient. I don't like it when things go to waste. I don't like throwing things out unless I have sucked them dry, and guaranteed that they cannot be used in the future; I don't like taking away an opportunity that someone else could use to greater effect unless such a person is undeserving and I don't like wasting your time. In fact, the original two times I claimed to be "wasting time" were meant to exemplify how one can easily second-guess themselves, about whether something they are doing has purpose or does not. So, you see, you can still put your faith in me, I won't let you down.
On the one hand, this relates to the 2015 Halloween Countdown, because one of the very things that caused me the greatest anxiety when I was suffering it was the idea of wasting time. Then, following upon the notion that life is merely a series of moments in time that we experience, I felt like I was wasting my life, or perhaps even that my life itself was a waste of time. It felt pointless; it felt meaningless & when you negate every moment in your life, it makes your death seem that much nearer. I then began to question whether death itself was a waste of time, I questioned whether meaning and purpose was a waste of time thinking about. I began to question who I was, whether I could even assess myself, and whether I could even assess my own mechanisms of questioning myself.
The saddest part is, all of this cyclical self-neglect and existential quandary meant that I wasted two weeks of my life before I saw a doctor; two weeks of panic, sleepless nights, darkness and depression. Thankfully, I got better.

But beyond my own personal worries, waste is often related to the idea of death. When we fight wars, we often call it a pointless waste of life, but also, when we die, our bodies rot, or waste away. To me, there are many elements of horror imbued within the concept of "waste", and I plan on exploring as many of them as I can during this countdown.

And, also, I plan on sharing some facts, some fiction and some fascinating, frightening fun with you during this years Halloween Countdown. Until then, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I'm not going to waste another second with this post.