How to Succeed with Failure (in Writing)

Most stories are built on conflict. It doesn't have to be violence - that is to say physical conflict - it can also be logical conflict; psychological conflict, or social conflict. Maybe it's the cute girl the guy wants to impress; maybe it's the evil monster the hero wants to kill; maybe it's a killer the detective wants to find. But, in simple terms, stories often start with a problem, and end with a solution. Not always, but often. It's one of the things I truly love about Horror - it's one of the few genres where the main characters can fail miserably, and the audience can still leave feeling satisfied.
However, stories often aren't just about one problem. The guy wants to impress the cute girl, but she's rich and he's poor; he's been cursed to look like a beast & she has a husband. The hero wants to kill the evil monster, but he isn't strong enough; the monster lives far away & the monster commands an evil army. The detective wants to find the killer, but the murder weapon is missing; the room was locked when the crime happened and everyone else just thinks it was a suicide.
These myriad problems are put in the way, and the main character has to solve them, one by one, before moving forward.

So far, so standard, if you're a writer yourself none of this is new. But, here's the rub. The main character has to solve these problems to continue the story. If they don't, the plot can't move forward. And if you're not careful, this can lead to a sense of inevitability.
Problem? Solution; Problem? Solution; Problem? Solution...
It can feel like going through the motions.After all, if your main character fails, then the story stops progressing. I mean, if you're threatening to kill the main character, but I'm only halfway through a book, I know my main character can't die since I've got a whole lot more pages left.
The best example of this is in action movies, where the hero is slaughtering his way through a bunch of bad guys. If he loses, then he dies, the story ends. So, he can't lose. But, it doesn't even need to be death. In a murder mystery, one MUST find the missing clues, and one MUST interpret them correctly, otherwise they can't solve the case - there's no other choice, because if you fail to find a necessary clue, then necessarily you can't solve the case. Or, if something comes between two lovers that drives them apart, we know they MUST get over it before the story ends, because romance stories thrive on happy endings - failing to overcome that conflict makes the whole story fail.
So, your character can't really fail... but, when your character comes across problem after problem, and manages to solve it no matter how difficult, this becomes a problem known as Plot Armour.
No matter how devastating the problem, no matter how many times the Earth needs to be saved from Doom, the Hero wins, because they have to. As soon as the audience realizes this, the story loses all tension. We know he can't lose, so watching them win isn't entertaining, it becomes a foregone conclusion. It's one of the most frustrating parts of formulaic stories - having the same story structure every time means the conflict stops feeling like conflict.

This idea is best illustrated by One-Punch Man, a webcomic, turned manga, turned anime. I highly recommend it, as it's quite funny, but the point of the story is simple. Saitama is a superhero, called One-Punch Man, and he is the strongest superhero in the world, so powerful that he can win any fight, with just one punch (hence the name). For this reason, he's also one of the most boring superheroes in the world, because he can't lose any fight.
Thankfully, neither the webcomic nor media based on it are action stories, they're comedies and character pieces, exploring the character and those around him as he struggles with a sense of ennui, feeling empty despite being literally the best in the world and how other characters react to an unfathomably unstoppable hero. See, by being unable to fail, the physical conflict stops being a conflict - so, the story is instead about social and psychological conflict.

Now, your hero probably isn't able to win fights with a single punch, but if you're not careful, it can feel like it. If you're a newer writer especially, you may think that if your hero keeps winning, but you don't want them to lose, then the solution must be to make the challenges more difficult. Escalate: If last time, the bad guy threatened his family, next time his whole town should be in danger. If last time, she killed a tribe of monsters, next time she should fight a whole army. Did your hero save the world? Well, next time, save the galaxy.
The problem is... this actually makes the conflict less impactful, not more, because no matter how much they struggle, they HAVE to win, since you've stacked the deck in such a way that failure is impossible to read (or, in some cases, write). It's what I call the Shan Paradox - by continually escalating the stakes, you inversely lessen the tension, because the more the stakes, the more impossible it becomes to lose, since that kind of devastation is impossible to overcome.

So, what's the solution? Well, the answer to that, I think, is obvious... you need failure.

I think the best way to explain this is with Pen & Paper RPGs (Role-Playing Games). You've probably heard of Dungeons & Dragons, but there are many more and better RPGs, but whether you have or not, the important thing you need to know is that when playing a Pen & Paper RPG every player gets to be a main character (except for the Game Master, who gets to be everyone else). In an RPG, your character can die, which holds a lot of weight because both the GM and the Player wants the game to keep going. The GM either spent a lot of time creating the campaign story (or money and time setting up a purchased module) and the Player usually spends a fair amount of time creating their character and writing up their character sheet, so  both of them are invested and neither of them explicitly want the characters to lose. But, believe it or not, loss and death is an important part of the game. See, if the player knows they can't fail, they lose interest in the challenge - this is a game after all, and games are challenges defined by having both a Win state, and a Lose state.
Because none of the players want the characters to die, most Pen & Paper RPGs are played with dice (or coins, or cards, or timers), so there's a random element that can strike when you least expect it, and prevents either the GM or the players from making the game too easy. Failure is a looming threat. Oddly enough, whilst nobody wants to fail, failure is the critical element of the game that drives it forward. The fact that you might Lose is what makes it so much more satisfying when you Win.
But, not every dice roll is the final roll of life and death... in fact, games would be frustrating if you randomly and suddenly lost the game every few rolls. You roll the dice for any challenge in the game, whether that be combat, investigation, travel, coersion, romance, stealth, athletics or magic - and remember that's challenge, not action, it would be ridiculous if you had to roll a dice for every step to make sure you don't trip... but my point is, it means that in order for your character to die, and completely lose the game, you'd have to either make a bad decision, or engage in an encounter where you might not succeed; then you have to fail several times during that challenge's process, enough to weaken your character's chances; then finally, most games even have death-saving throws, meaning you'd need one final bad luck roll to actually kill your character. And hell, even if your character does die, some games (and some GMs) offer the player the option to create a new character, or use a backup character to continue the campaign. This is still a hell of a loss, because they lose that character and that character's experience (sometimes in more ways than one, if the game's mechanics use experience points). Some games are harder than others, but very rarely do they randomly kill players for no reason.
But, what happens if your character fails a smaller moment? Say, lockpicking, that's a useful skill. Say your character wants to get into a locked house, and there's a plot-critical element inside the building, but they fail their lockpicking check - roll a 1 or something. What happens now? Does the story end?
Of course not. The player now needs to find another way in. They could try another door, but that's just the same challenge again. They could instead try investigating the surrounding area, to see if there's a hidden key somewhere, or they might have to find the owner of the property and see if they can pickpocket the key from them. They could perhaps attempt to climb the building to see if they can get in through the chimney, or a large window, or a vent, but if none of that's available, they might simply have to just break and enter, bash the door down or break a window, even though that may alert people nearby, and will definitely come to the owner's attention when they get back. There's more than one way to skin a cat, as they say - but more importantly than having multiple solutions, there's also multiple failures for every problem. If the character attempts to pick the lock, and fails, they may simply need to try something else, or they could break their lockpick tools, meaning they'll need to find more. If they break a window and jump through, they may hurt themselves, but more importantly, they may have the police after them, or worse - if this is a secret/criminal building they're breaking into, they may have a hitman or criminal gang chasing after them. All of these add potential conflict to the role-playing game, which makes the adventure more exciting
This is just one example, but the point is, the failure doesn't have to stop the story dead, you don't have to accept a failure, and more importantly failure can actually make a story more interesting. If you talk to an experienced RPG player or GM, they will often have great "war stories" of some of their most fun gaming moments, and I guarantee that their best stories won't be about all the times they got perfect dice rolls... no, they're often tje stories about how they had to come up with something new, clever or silly after they failed, or about how a situation got completely out of control because they didn't solve a problem correctly.

This all is great information for writing linear stories. Even though a linear story isn't a game, that potential for failure is a necessary tension for most stories. Obviously, not everything is a challenge, and you probably shouldn't have your character always fail (unless you're writing a slapstick comedy), but you can have them work their way towards success and fail along the way sometimes. Hell, that would be a fun writing challenge... write a story as though it were a one-player RPG, and rolling a die or flipping a coin every time they attempt a difficult challenge, to see if (and how well) they succeed or fail. That's not necessary for writing a story, but my point is you can, and should, let your hero fail along the path of their adventure.
You might think it makes a hero more of a badass to get out of a fight without a scratch; solve a mystery without getting anything wrong or fix a problem without any negative consequences (and depending on what you're writing that can work), but readers tend to be more invested in a hero they can empathize with. Since we often struggle in our own lives, if your hero struggles it means the reader can feel their pain along with them, and feel their success along with them as well.
Consider, for a moment, Action. You might think losing a fight means death, but not neccesarily. Not every fight is a fight to the death, what if you don't lose your life, but lose an arm instead? Or a foot? Or, what if they get cut across the throat, and from then on, have a scratchy, hoarse or otherwise damaged voice due to an injured larynx, or vocal chords? Disability isn't the cultural stigma it once was, and even if it is in the period, setting or world of your story, if anything it can make your story more interesting. Prosthetics are amazing, eye-patches look cool and scars often mean that your character is wearing a part of their backstory on their skin, it's not something you have to avoid.
This is actually a big problem I had when I was a younger writer. I didn't see the point of combat at all, because I knew the character had to win, and I didn't want them to get hurt - and I didn't realize until later that it was that last part, a desire for them not to get hurt, that was actually holding me back. Nobody plans to fail, we might have contingency plans, but rarely is our initial plan "I'll do this, it will fail, then I'll try something else", and if you're not used to writing, then adding failure into your plot can feel forced. But you don't even necessarily have to force it, it can happen naturally...

I tend to write scenes by envisioning them in my mind, and describing it as thoroughly as possible to place readers in the scene, and I remember writing one story wherein a character had to attack an enemy in close-quarters, in their bedroom, with a cricket bat. As they raised the bat above their head, I realized that (in my room at least) I had a pendulous ceiling fan with a light on it, and if I swung a bat over my head it would hit the light, so I added "the bat narrowly missed the ceiling light as he swung". As I read what I'd just written, I thought to myself "Gee, it's lucky he missed that light, if he had it would have sucked, he'd have been covered with shards of glass, that sounds horrifying..."
Then I had an epiphany, dude, you're a horror writer, why would you want to avoid something horrifying? So, I rewrote the scene such that he smashed the ceiling light, the shattered glass falls on top of him and the whole scene became more impactful as the monster approached him, crunching shards of glass under its bleeding feet - it was awesome.
It changed the story, but for the better, success is boring, success is what we expect, so when something fails it can snap us to attention since now we - along with the character - are left wondering how the story can possibly go forward from here, or what more could possibly go wrong.

And it doesn't have to be physical damage, you don't have to marr or maim your character, you could just hurt their pride instead. A lot of comedies thrive on characters failing, so you can use failure for a comedic moment, but if you want something more dramatic you can go that route as well.
Consider, for a moment, Mystery. Yes, your character needs to interpret clues, but what if they follow a lead that's wrong, but only slightly wrong. Even people who aren't fond of mysteries are aware of the red herring, a clue that leads you down a bad path, this is actually a great example of failing in a story. You discover that there's blood at the crime scene, and one suspect has a cut on their hand! But... it turns out they filled in for the cook a day before the murder, and they're bad with knives, which is why they cut themselves and bled at the scene - dead end, it was just a red herring (a misleading non-clue) no help whatsoever.
But, a clue can still help the mystery, even if the detective gets it wrong. A detective might find bindings on the victim, and assume they were tied up by their killer, so they follow the clues, find out where it was purchased, and realize the ropes belonged to the victim's wife... who used them in their nightly roleplay. That clue might seem like a dead end, but what if the killer is some religious or righteous prude, who killed the victim because they saw their nightly activities as deviant? In this way, although their assumption lead to failure, their failure helped lead them to success... Not so much a red herring, as a fox-tail... you didn't catch the whole fox, but you got enough to lead you somewhere (I thought "fox-tail" worked, since apparently "red herring" was initially a fox-hunting term... don't blame me, I didn't come up with it).

Or, what if the failure is finding the clue in the first place. What if there are clues at the scene, but your detective can't find them, so decides to interrogate all the suspects instead. This can make the story more compelling as you get to hear the characters' alibis and personalities. And heck, if they don't find the clue, maybe the suspect who left it - the killer - might be brave enough to see if they can steal it before it gets discovered. This could lead to them acting suspicious in a different way, and/or leaving more and different clues in their wake. Your detective doesn't have to be a Sherlock Holmes type, who can solve any mystery (unless a pretty lady is involved). Your guy can make mistakes, especially if you're not writing detective fiction, but are instead having a smaller investigation or treasure-hunting plot in the midst of your broader adventure.

And hell, I can go on for hours talking about how you can use failure to add plot complications which improve your story, because honestly, failure can be a broad spectrum... hell, success can be a broad spectrum. Ever heard of a Pyrrhic Victory? You couldn win the battle, but ultimately lose the war.

The point is this... it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that stories are about watching someone win, again and again and again. But, that's not the case, at least it shouldn't be, and if you write a story like that without the necessary finesse it can alienate your audience. As I have said already, to win at everything and never fail is inhuman.
To err is human; we all lose sometimes... not only will we all eventually die, but we also sometimes get badly hurt, get it wrong or cause problems because of our mistakes. But, our story doesn't end every time we fail, we keep going, but we might have to change... to develop, or adapt, to a new paradigm caused by our failings. That's how we develop as people, and it's how stories develop into legends.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, I hope that the next time that you fail, you have the strength to get back up and try again, or find a way to move past it.

A Most Beautiful Failure

 

One of the things that inspired this year's theme was a talk I went to, many years ago, called "Beautiful Failures". I mentioned it in a post, in 2016, all about my visit to the Brisbane Writer's Festival that year. The talk was by Lucy Clark, a journalist who wrote an amazing editorial titled "My daughter, my beautiful failure", and her experiences researching and writing the article inspired her to research and write an entire non-fiction book all about the pressures of modern schoolchildren.

The premise is simple, Mrs Clark noticed that own daughter was failing at school, but this wasn't due to laziness, stupidity or misbehaviour. It was due, in part, to poor mental health - in particular anxiety - but more importantly, how her anxieties were exacerbated by modern schooling's  competitive, hierarchical grading systems; one-size-fits-all pass/fail dynamics & rigid culture of independence. Whilst, as I understand it, schooling in Australia has improved its attitudes towards mental health, it's clear that the structure of the schooling system hasn't shifted in recent years.

The main difference between the article and the book, is scale. Lucy Clark's article was about seeing her daughter as a microcosm of the schooling system whereas the book looks at the macrocosm, the system itself, and sees how not just the "failures", but even the successful children in the schooling system are being put under an incredible amount of pressure.
Now, I have not read the book. If you want to know more about how broken the education system is, then you should buy the book and read it yourself. What I know about the book, I learned in an hour-long presentation at a book festival, from the author.
What I know of the book is what was spoken about in the talk at a book festival. For example, I learned the disturbing term "suicide clusters". TRIGGER WARNING: I'm going to talk about this in detail, if this is a triggering concept for you, you can skip to the next paragraph (after the three dashes). Or, if you read on and this topic brings up any unwelcome thoughts for you and you want help, I recommend you call Lifeline on 13 11 44, or follow this Google Link which can help find local support for you. For you see, what a "suicide cluster" is, is a series of concurrent suicides which happen after one person commits suicide, which itself triggers several others to as well. It's actually the reason why trigger warnings became so popular - it has been shown that people who are "at-risk" of suicide, can be triggered to attempt it simply by being exposed to a suicide victim - and this was disturbingly common in high schools. As has been established, because of the high stress of school, so many school children who were similarly struggling with mental health, leading to this disturbing knock-on effect of children killing themselves. I don't know whether it's because the stress of a fellow student dying is enough to push someone over the edge, or if hearing of someone like them committing suicide is inspiring them to do something they've been thinking about for a while. I'm not suicidal myself, so I can't really explain it, but what matters is that dozens of schoolkids were dying, because of the stress of school...

 - - -

But, I'm not actually talking about school. I'm thirty-one years old now, High school was over half a life-time ago for me. Rather, I'm taking inspiration from Mrs Clark's epiphany. I haven't read the book, so I'm looking at my personal experiences, and using the things I learned from her talk as a small piece of a much larger puzzle.
See, whilst I think her work is phenomenal, I think Mrs Clark didn't go big enough. See, the problem with the school system is exacerbated by the fact that it is a "system". Which means flaws in the system, by nature of being applied again and again, reiterates mistakes. If one child with anxiety struggles because of mental health, all children will, because they will be forced to undergo the same systemic structure.

Now... huh, can I think of a system, a broken system, which is applied to everyone resulting in countless systemic flaws? A system which causes struggles for all involved because of its rigid hierarchy, and unfairly hurts those who have mental health issues, or health issues in general; a system which causes stress across the system, even for those who "succeed" at it?
Capitalism. I'm talking about capitalism.

Whilst I am not a rich man, I'm also not exactly low on the socio-economic ladder, because of the foundational privilege of my family having enough wealth to support their children, I don't suffer as much as most do in this system. But, I see it, in my personal, professional and political circles.
We have a system which is meant to have a cycle, a continuous recirculation of the economy, since the only way an economy works is if it keeps cycling. But, because capitalism is about competition and the accumulation of wealth via owning the means of production, like an ouroborus the head feeds from the tail, whilst the tail is bled dry, creating this lop-sided self-cannibalizing system which is inherently unstable, and only perpetuates by artificially inflating itself (literally, we call it "inflation") to keep feeding the eternally starving head, whilst consuming the rotten, shrivelled tail to the bone. The philosophy of capitalism - possession of value - goes against the philosophy of economy - continual flow of value - meaning the system is inherently broken.

The system is broken, and it is causing us to fail. It causes health struggles; it causes homelessness; it causes starvation; it causes socio-economic divide & untold stress across the system. But, as I've come to learn, whilst we are failing, we are beautiful failures. As Mrs Clark learned, her daughter could come through the other side of the education system because of a support network of friends, because of a shift in her own belief system & because she learned to overcome the system, and get out the other side, unscathed.
And we can overcome by supporting one another - that's the whole idea of charity, welfare & social programs; we know the system is broken, so we try to tip the scales back a bit. We can change our belief system, we can start seeing the system for what it is, an imperfect and broken system - Anti-capitalist philosophy isn't about opposing money, it's about valuing every member of the system, and not just those who own, and earn from, capital. And it's about working to get out the other side, unscathed - now, I don't know how you can "stop" capitalism, I fully admit that, but I do know it's possible. Some people believe due to ignorance (or being mislead by those who are pro-capitalist), that ending capitalism would end money, that without capitalism you can't own anything & that capitalism is natural... but, that's confusing capitalism for "economy". If it ended tomorrow, you wouldn't lose any money; you wouldn't lose your job; you'd still own your house and your car & you can still go buy fish and chips (if you want)...

But, we aren't the failures, the System is.

Now, I know that even talking about this makes me sound like a hippy-dippy dreamer. Some people will call me pro-marxist (even though I'm not); or try to tar me with whatever brush they can, so they can throw feathers and have me look like the fool. But, I'm not a fool, I'm just an anti-capitalist. Capitalism is just a philosophy, and an economic system based on that philosophy "private ownership of the means of production". I don't know how to end it, but it can end, and until it does, we will continue to fail in myriad ways. And yes, whilst I am an anti-capitalist and I hate the failures in the system, I am not so blind that I can't see the success of the system. Some people thrive well in this system, and do well for themselves and others (see again, charity; welfare & social programs).

But, if you are a successful capitalist, a rich man, you aren't a beautiful... no matter how much the rich pretend to be charitable, kind & thoughtful, so long as they perpetuate this system, they are a vampiric snake, cannibalizing its own tail - and so long as that's the case, I'd rather be a beautiful failure than an ugly success...

Going Down in Flames

 Welcome back, my mortal morsels, to the annual Halloween Countdown, where we are preparing for a celebration of the dead, the dangerous, the dreary and the delectably dark. Once again, we find ourselves thirteen nights from Halloween. And in case you've failed to remember... the reason why we begin our countdown /now/ is because today is my birthday

Happy Birthday to you... but Beware what you do...
Or this might be the last time, That we sing this to you.

I struggled to find a theme for this year's Halloween Countdown - some guiding principle behind which to power the engine that is this macabre metric. But, in the absence of my success, I had an epiphany. If there's one thing that has defined this year - perhaps even the last few years on this miserable, little planet - it is failure.

The Word of the Day is: FAIL

Fail /fayl/ v.i. 1. To fall short or be wanting in action, detail, or result. 2. To be insufficient or absent: Our supplies may fail. 3. To fall off; dwindle. ♦v.t. 4. To neglect to perform: Despite her promise, she failed to help. 5. To prove of no use or help to: Words fail me. 6. To take (an examination, etc.) without passing: He failed Maths this year. 7. To declare (a person) unsuccessful in a test, course of study, etc.: The teacher failed him in class. ♦n. 8. Without fail, for certain; with certainty.

You Have all Failed.

When it comes to handling the plague, we all had choices to make, to decide how many would die. At best, three thousand (~300,000) people would die; but, if we completely failed to act, then over one hundred and fifty million (~150,000,000) people would die.
At time of writing, just over six million, five-hundred thousand (6,500,000) people have died. Now, I'm no mathematician - I'm not even a mathy-mortician - but six and a half million is a lot more deaths than three-hundred thousand. And the numbers are still, slowly but surely, rising...

When it comes to the end of the world as we know it, we are running out of time. The boffins have set a 2030 deadline to prevent the global climate from rising 2°C or more... but these numbers betray a much darker truth.
A rise of one degree will change our climate for the worse, and currently we've changed the global climate by 1.2°C (2.2°F); and, as anyone with eyes and skin can attest, it already has. The climate has become more volatile over the last few years. But, most people know this - the response is palliative, not preventative - but now even the experts are saying that their deadline was optimistic, and it may already be too late...

When it comes to freedom, safety and education we are regressing. Nazis and bigots of the world were given the reins for far too long in recent years, leading to record highs of human rights abuses in recent years. Not only this, but it's lead to distrust, paranoia and conflict amongst the rest of the human cattle.

In the face of these fundamental, human failures you could be crushed under the weight of your own incompetency, allow yourself to be destroyed by your own delicious deficiencies.
Or, you could step back, stand above, look down at the pitiful peasantry, and celebrate their inadequacies. There's no turning back now, we're haemorrhaging out vital fluids and there's no putting the blood back in this dying body. So, let's watch it die, and autopsy the remains... and as I always say, if you're going to cut into someone, you might as well have a smile on your face while you're doing it.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and in the following nights, I'm going to explore some of our most damning, devastating failures, and everything that comes with it. Until then, if you're going to fail, you might as well go down in flames.

Eternal Rest

There has long been an association between sleep, and death. First of all, obviously, there's that oft-repeated sentiment, found on some gravestones, in eulogies and obituaries and in memorials: "Requiescat In Pace", which is often translated to, and literally means - Rest in Peace; associating death with resting. There's a popular quote from 17th Century poet Thomas Traherne - “Sleep is cousin-german unto death: Sleep and death differ, no more, than a carcass And a skeleton.” [Author's Note: cousin-german means "first cousins"], which speaks for itself. Also, there's the 1947 poem "Do Not Go Gentle into that Goodnight" by Dylan Thomas, the titular line of which refers to dying as 'that goodnight', a phrase often used to farewell someone going to sleep.
When someone is deeply sleeping, they're often referred to as "dead to the world" - in fact, in my family, when a baby is sleeping in a pram, we might refer to them as a "dead kid" (this is commonplace, right? We're not weird, you're weird...).
There's also a  somewhat popular Tumblr meme, which refers to sleep as "death without the commitment", and various other puns on sleep and death, like "sleep is a free trial of death".
It kind of makes sense. After all, both usually involve lying down, moving less and not taking part in society.
But this free association between the two, in my opinion, leads us down a disturbing path, because of the existence of dreams...

For, when we are asleep, we often dream - we live a sort of pseudo-life, which can be beautiful and fantastical and allow us to achieve things we always wished to in life; or, we occasionally experience nightmarish scenarios of being chased and tormented. This may lead one to assume that similarly, when we die, we also "dream" in a sense - living a sort of after-like, which can be beautiful, or tormentous.

I'm not religious, I'm aspiritual and I'm a skeptic, so I don't really believe in the afterlife - it is my opinion that when you die, you are dead, and any notion that some part of you "survives death" is not only inherently paradoxical, but nonsensical.
However, because I'm an agnostic, I am willing to say that there may possibly be some post-life experience. I don't think that makes scientific sense, but until we fully understand the mechanism of life, death, consciousness and mind, there does remain the distinct possibility that my assumptions about dying are wrong.

However, unless and until we understand all those mechanisms, jumping right in the deep-end and saying "yeah, we die, and it's just like when we dream" is not only stupid and wrong, it's also deeply disturbing.

For one, you might think that I'm jumping the gun by saying that people assume that after-life is like dreaming, but honestly, the Judeo-Christian concepts of Heaven and Hell sound a lot like "living the dream" and "suffering through an eternal nightmare". And to me, it explains the dichotomy between how some people interpret death. Some theists believe that after death, we experience nothing (like a dreamless sleep), some believe that everyone, no matter what, will go to a peaceful afterlife (like a dreamful sleep), whereas some believe that if you're bad, you'll either be annihilated, or experience something horrible (having a nightmare). It also explains how there are so many wild and various explanations for how these "spiritual places" look, since to each dreamer, their dream will be differently surreal.
Yes, there's more specifics in mythologies, but both of them include personified dream manifestations (in the form of angels or devils) and both seem to be magical, breaking many known laws of physics, which makes sense if they're built upon dream logic.

Oddly enough, I'm not actually writing this post to make fun of religion. I know it seems like it after some of that, but it's not actually the point. See, what truly inspired me was a moment when I was a wee, young, child. I've said in the past that I never truly considered myself religious. I was "raised Christian", but I never truly believed, I just assumed that others knew the answers to the parts that made no sense, and I'd come to understand it later. Well, when I was about ten years old, it was late at night, and I think I was distracted by a particular thought... "What is heaven like?"
I'd seen it represented in movies and television shows as being a place in the clouds. But... I'd been in a plane, and I hadn't seen heaven, so I knew it wasn't actually in the sky. But, was it just foggy? The point is, I didn't know, and I didn't understand how anyone could know, since all the people who had "seen it" were definitely dead.
It was occupying my mind, so I went to ask my father. I think it must have been like 11 o'clock at night, since I got out of bed, and called out for my parents (I assume - this was a long time ago). But what I remember is that next, I was having a conversation with my father in the hallways outside my bedroom. Well, I say it was a conversation, but it was probably just:
"Hey Dad?"; "What's up?"; "What's heaven like?"
And what my Dad said to me, I don't know if he actually believes this, or he just said it to shut me up and make me go back to bed. But he said: "It's whatever you want it to be."
But, since my Dad said it, it was official - one of the smart people told me, so I believed it. So, I said goodnight, he went back to bed, and so did I.
But, in bed, I was thinking somewhat excitedly to myself. "Huh, whatever you want it to be, wouldn't that be something?" and I was planning on sleeping, but I thought to myself "What do I want it to be?"
Now, I was probably ten at the time, and I was thinking, I wouldn't want it to be like ordinary life - everyone knows, if you get the chance to wish for something, you don't ask for something you already have. You might not get this opportunity again, you have to ask for something really cool...
And I was thinking, what's cool to me? Well, at the time, I had recently visited my cousins, and played a videogame on their computer, called Croc. That was kind of a fun game, challenging, but a weird world. So I thought "hey, what if I wanted heaven to be JUST LIKE CROC! That would be so cool!" - look, I was a child, alright? So, as I was getting tired, I was imagining what it would be like to actually be Croc, running around, with the ability to jump really high, collecting gems and stuff. I was starting to drift off... then I was snapped awake, when I realized. Huh... Mum and Dad don't like to play Croc.
What if they don't want heaven to be like that? Everyone who dies goes to heaven, right? So, how would that work? Well, that's okay, I figure since Dad had said "it's whatever you want it to be", I interpreted that as being a royal you - all persons get what they want, so they must get what they want as well...
But wait, if everyone gets what they want, what if people want different things? What if one person loves another person, but that person doesn't love them back - they couldn't be forced to love them, that wouldn't be fair... Well, maybe if you want something from certain people, then you get a fake person instead. That's makes sense, right? After all, what if you want to spend life in heaven with your friend, but your friend goes to hell? They'd have to be fake, otherwise you'd never get "what you want".
But then... how would you tell who was real, from who wasn't? It would have to be impossible to tell, otherwise you wouldn't have "what you want", but that means that everyone has the same potential of being a fake person. In fact, since most people wouldn't want to be changed, then most people in your dream would have to be fake, otherwise you're forcing them to live out the heaven you want, not the heaven they want.
Now, I was too young to have heard about the concept of a philosophical zombie, but that was essentially what I was disturbed by, the idea that you could never tell who, or what, was real. But I'd figured, okay, this is clearly a bit of a broken system... so, clearly, people must be put into separate "heaven countries" to live out their wants. It seems kind of lonely, but hey, at least you get what you want right? I mean, sure, people might be fake, but they seem real, and maybe God knows how to solve this paradox...
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that getting "whatever you want" is a horrifying ideal. After all, I GET BORED OF CROC. When I visited my cousins, I only played for ten minutes, then left to go do something with my cousins (since that's kind of the reason why we go to visit them, to spend time with them). Not to mention, Croc is kind of a sub-par game - I enjoyed it, but even as a kid, I knew that it was a pretty simple set of moves you could do in a mostly-empty world; the idea of spending an eternity in that world sounded so incredibly lonely.
But, okay, I have a solution... I was assuming that when you die, you get what you want at the time of death. So, if when I die I'm thinking "Man, I want a cheese sandwich", I'll spend eternity eating a cheese sandwich. That doesn't make sense though, since quite a few people, when they're dying think "I don't want to die", and that's kind of impossible. So, what if it's more dynamic?
What if the world changes, when you want it to? Yeah, almost like a lucid dream (hint-itty, hint, hint [this is what inspired me to write this post yet, are you seeing the connection, yet?]).
So, I might want to be Croc, but later I might want to fly, and after that, maybe spend time with my family and heaven-friends, so I could want that, and go do that.
But wait... I'm just a kid (at least, I was at the time), and I don't know what I want most of the time, and I often want all kinds of different things - "I want this toy, I want chocolate, I want to go to Dreamworld" - sometimes I couldn't make up my mind. I mean, I just wanted to be Croc a few seconds ago, until I thought about it and realized that it was as depressing as it was horrifying. Does that mean that my every whim that passes my mind would change the world around me? After all, Dad didn't say "it's whatever you decide you want", or even "whatever you want, that's a good idea" it was just "whatever you want".
So without asking, perhaps without even fully comprehending what I want, I would be stuck in this constantly-shifting, surreal landscape of artificial people, experiencing the things I want for the brief moment that I think them. So, if heaven really was "whatever I like", I had two options. I'd either be stuck in one world, and get bored with it inevitably, since death is an eternity; or I'd be left awash in the waves of my unstable desires, hoping for a moment of peace, and only achieving it so long as I can becalm my torrential thoughts, and focus on one desire at a time.
At that point, I decided "well, heaven must not be like that at all, because that sounds horrible, and heaven is supposed to be nice". Then I went to sleep.

But, this is my fundamental issue of believing that death is like sleep, and the afterlife is like dreams. Because if heaven is dreamlike, then there isn't a heaven, there's just two hells. One where you're not in control, being tormented by nightmares, and another where you're in control, and either everything you do is meaningless because the world can change at the speed of thought, or it's an eternity trapped in a surreal landscape which, inevitably, you will tire of.
If you ask me, that would make Hell the lesser of two hells, since at least in Hell there's hope that you can fight to change things, you can at least run away when being chased. In Heaven, all problems go away, and there's nothing to strive towards - life would be hopeless, pointless and meaningless. And I figured all that shit out when I was ten years old.
So, all told, whilst I don't know what the "post-death" experience will be like, the idea of being dead is actually more comforting than some ideas people have about living in an afterlife fantasy. And if you think that dying is like going to sleep, I implore you... WAKE UP.


I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and this is the end of my Halloween Countdown for 2021. I'm trapped inside since I'm only half-vaccinated (at time of writing), and whilst I did a trick-or-treat thing last year, and it was kind of fun, I won't be this year because we're still dealing with coronavirus - and I implore that you do the same tomorrow. Most vaccines haven't been approved for children, meaning that kids are running around unvaccinated, and taking part in an event where you have to travel all around town, going to people's houses, and being handed stuff to put in your mouth is just asking for trouble.
So, unless you want your kids to get sick, and spread a deadly virus, please stay home and stay safe; enjoy Halloween with some holiday horror movies, and until next time... sleep tight.

Counting Black Sheep, (Phase 3)

The next morning, I decided to see my grandmother, Etta Wardell. She's lived in Hollow Falls much longer than Dad and me, and she's the only person I trust as much as him. Maybe even a little more, since she understands stuff that a boy often can't. I can always rely on her, when I need advice.
It's just a short walk, so I knock on her door with my good hand and wait. She answers the door wearing a grey skirt and a nice, white blouse, with her long, gray hair neatly twirled up in a bun. Despite her age, she's always looked pretty youthful, with barely any wrinkles besides crow's feet.
  "Bianca?" she says, frowning. "Shouldn't you be in school, love?"
  "No, I can't go," I say. "Grammy, I need to talk to you about Grandpa."
  "Alright. Come in, I'll make you a cup of tea."
She leads me through her house, and I follow like an obedient puppy, closing the front door behind us. The place is lush, and well-kept, her lounge room full of photographs and little figurines of animals and dominated by a grandfather clock that ticks along reliably. We head into her cosy, little kitchen, and she puts a kettle on the stove, as I wait, staring.
  "What did you do to your hand?" asks Grammy, pointing to my bandaged hand. I'd wrapped it up with some gauze from the bathroom cupboard.
  "Oh, it's... I got it from a, uh... a sheep bite," I say.
  "Oof... nasty things, them." say Grammy, walking over to sit at the kitchen table. "You're lucky you didn't lose s finger. Sit down, sit down."
  "Sorry," I mumble, and I pull out the chair and drop into it. "I'm a bit out of it."
  "You look tired, Bianca. What's the matter?"
  "I can't sleep," I say. "I haven't slept in five days."
  "Five days?" says Grammy, concerned. "How are you still standing?"
I don't know what to say, so I just shrug.
  "Grammy, I want to ask you something. I know it's weird, but..." I trail off, as I try to find the words. "am I cursed?"
  "Cursed?" she asks, frowning so deeply, you can actually see her subtle wrinkles on her forehead. "What are you talking about?"
  "Like... I dunno," I say, gesturing with my hands to try to show what I'm trying to say, but I just end up waving them around like an idiot. "Like, my Mum died, and Grandpa died, so what about me? Is our family... doomed to die in our sleep?"
  "No, it's not a curse," says Grammy.
  "But, what did Grandpa see?" I ask. "Were you with him in the end? Did he see anything?"
  "I don't know, Bianca, he died in his sleep. I don't think he saw it coming, but we'll never know."
  "But, before," I insist. "Did he see anything weird before he died? Like visions of a reaper, or black sheep?"
  "No, he never saw anyone comign after him, if that's what you mean. But, as for sheep, he definitely saw a black sheep." The sound of the kettle whistling interrupts before I can speak, and my grandmother gets up to fetch the pot. "Cup of tea?"
  "Uh, yeah..." I say. "Grammy, what do you mean, he definitely saw a black sheep?"
  "When your grandfather was alive, we owned a sheep farm, dear. Ten-twenty-two Eureka Highway," she says.
  "Oh, right," I mumble. I remember Mum telling me that my grandfather was a sheep farmer. It was so long ago, I must have forgotten about it. "And they were black?"
  "Not all of them, but quite a few. He thought they were good luck, since it meant they had good stock, a nice mix of genes." Granny puts a cup of milky tea in front of me, and sits across from me again, this time holding a steaming mug.
  "But when he died, he didn't talk about... I mean, did he have trouble sleeping?"
  "Your Grandpa kept to himself, Bianca. If you want to know what he was going through, you'd have to ask him."
  "But he's dead, Grammy!" I say. "That's why I'm asking you."
  "Just because he's dead, doesn't mean he's gone," she says, reaching over a hand to squeeze mine. "When I'm feeling lost, looking for answers, I sometimes go and talk to him."
  "Talk to him? How?"
  "I go and visit him, at the churchyard," says Grammy. "I tell him what I'm going through."
  "Visit him?" I say. I slowly pick up the warm mug of tea and take a sip. It's warm, and although it tastes a little bland, my stomach grumbles instead of retching, so I gladly drink it down.
  "If you want answers, maybe you should talk to him as well. It can help..."

Even though it was still early morning, the cloud cover made it look late and dreary in the afternoon as I head through the open gates of Hollow Falls Cemetery. There are gravestones cluttered closely together, plots outlined in concrete and headstones of all shapes and sizes, from squat, little plaques, to large statues of angels, and I can even see two mausoleums, those little houses for dead people. I stumble around on my unsteady feet. How do they organize graveyards? Chronologically? Alphabetically? I look from one headstone to another, looking for 'Henry Wardell', but I don't even know where to even start. That's when I see those familiar, red eyes. There are several of them, waiting deeper within the cemetery, standing amidts the gravestones. I head over, careful to walk around each plot as I make my way over. There are four of them waiting for me in a little group, all facing towards me, all as black as smoke, with eerie, dark faces and eyes like blazing rubies.
As I get near enough, I see that they're standing close together, on a grave, and as I get close enough to touch them, they step aside, two on the left, two on the right, flanking the grave. Sure enough, the epitaph on the gravestone reads: 'John Harrod - 1925-1991'
The sheep are staring at me, but otherwise just standing there. Maybe they're waiting for something. Well, my grandmother said I should talk to him, so...
  "Hey, Grandpa," I mumble. "I've never spoken to you before, but I know what you look like from your pictures. I'm your granddaughter, Bianca. I'm, like, your only granddaughter..."
I feel stupid, but I trust my grandmother. She said it helps her, so maybe it can help me.
  "What did you see before you died? Do you know what killed you?" I ask. "Was it... uh... was it the reaper that I see in my dreams?"
I wait quietly, staring at the grave, swaying slightly from standing up so long on tired legs. But, I don't hear any answers, or see anything. I'm not sure what I was expecting.
One of the black sheep to the left of me moves closer towards me, and reaches out its face towards my bandaged, left hand.
  "No!" I snap, yanking my hand away. The sheep backs away, scared, and bumps into the sheep behind it, and the two move to the side. I notice that they were standing on a grave that was right next to Grandpa's, with just half a foot between each headstone. I recognize the name.
  "Mum?" I say, stepping closer. I didn't realize they were buried so close together. But, sure enough, it says "Rachel Elise Wardell 1975-2002"
Maybe I should have talked to her, instead. I never even knew my grandfather...
  "Mum, what should I do?" I ask. But now I just feel silly. I know she can't hear me. This is stupid. I look over at the sheep, still standing around on top of the graves. Surely that must be disrespectful.
  "Shoo!" I say, stepping forward. "Get off! Get out of here!" I yell. The sheep back away, still staring at me. That's when I see the headstone on the other side, and stop dead still. I recognize a third name: 'Michael Wardell 1971-2002'
  "Dad?" I walk over, staring at the stone. That doesn't make any sense, my father is alive!
Then I see the gravestone right next to it: 'Bianca Wardell 1992-2007'
No... no, this is impossible. I stand over my own grave, staring at the untended grass. This is a dream. But how can this be a dream? I woke up, didn't I?
The bony fingers of a skeleton burst out of the grave, and wrap around my leg.
  "Aaagh!" I shriek. I try to kick it off, but it quickly pulls into the grave, and drags my leg with it. I feel the cold dirt drag me up to my knee. "NO! Let Go!"
I fall over as it drags me deeper, pulling me up to my waist, and I feel the dirt scraping my skin as it spills under my shirt, the cold earth clinging to me. The black sheep surround me, as it covers up to my waist, and the sheep look down at me, staring that thousand-mile stare.
  "Please, help!" I call out, pawing at the dirt around their hooves, but they just watch coldly as dirt spills over my shoulders. Then my chin, then I'm dragged into the darkness.

  "AAAAGH!" I scream, sitting up on the couch.
  "No, it's okay, it's okay. You're in my office," says Dr Jacobs.
  "What's going on?" I say, glancing around. I'm in the psychiatric clinic again, sitting on the couch.
  "You fell asleep," says Dr Jacobs. "I didn't want to wake you."
  "How did I get here?" I ask.
  "I think your father brought you by car," she says.
I look at my hands. The bandage is gone, and there's not a scratch on me.
  "How long was I asleep?" I ask.
  "Only a few minutes," says Dr Jacobs.
  "That's impossible," I say. "I dreamed that... I mean, it felt like so long."
  "It can be hard to keep track of time in our dreams," says Dr Jacobs. "Can I ask what you were dreaming about?"
  "I don't know, I... I don't know when it started."
  "Well, why don't you tell me about the last thing you remember, and we'll go from there."
  "Okay..." I say, readjusting myself on the couch. "Well, I was at the cemetery, at my grandfather's grave, and I saw my Mum's grave. Then my Dad's - then mine."
  "You saw your own grave?" says Dr Jacobs.
  "Yeah, and then a hand came up and grabbed me, and dragged me down. That's what woke me up."
  "That's pretty intense," says Dr Jacobs. "And, what do you think it means?"
  "That I'm gonna die," I say. "I mean, pulled into my grave isn't exactly 'subtle metaphor', is it?"
  "And how many sheep were there?" asks Dr Jacobs.
  "Four. There were four this time," I say. "But I don't know what it means. My grandmother said that they're good luck."
  "Well, that's possible," says Dr Jacobs. "What we see in dreams can mean a lot of things. Sheep can mean good fortune, but some people believe that black sheep represent in dreams someone close to you that you can't trust. In Scottish folklore, they represent the devil, but it might just represent that you feel like a black sheep in your family... like you don't fit in."
  "I think I can trust them, though. They lead me to the graves in the first place."
  "But, one of them bit your hand, earlier. Isn't that a sign of aggression?"
  "I don't know, I, uh..." I look at my hands again. "Wait, how did you know it bit my hand?"
  "Because you told me about that before."
  "Before what?" I say. "That was the same dream."
  "No, that was on Tuesday, Bianca."
  "It is Tuesday!" I say, annoyed.
  "No, Bianca. It's Thursday, your follow-up appointment. I think your memory problems are getting worse. You've been awake for seven days, now."
  "No no no... no, that's impossible, I've only been awake for five days."
  "But, your appointment is on Thursday. If it was still Tuesday, then why are you in my office?"
  "Because this isn't real... this is a dream," I say.
  "No, Bianca, we talked about this."
  "No, we didn't! I never talked to you about my dreams!"
  "You did, Bianca, you just don't remember..." says Dr Jacobs, with a look of concern. "I know this is confusing, honey. Try to remember. But, it's okay if you can't."
I put both my hands on either side of my head. I feel so tired... what's going on?
  "This can't be real... how can I forget two whole days?"
  "It's been known to happen."
  "But then, when was I dreaming? And, how did you know about the black sheep?"
  "You mentioned you first started seeing black sheep, in your first session," says Dr Jacobs.
  "My first session?"
  "Yes, last Friday." says Dr Jacobs.
  "My last..." I try to remember. "No... no, you're lying. I didn't see black sheep until the next day, after I tried the meditation!"
  "No, I'm not confused. This... this is a dream. Nothing else makes sense."
Dr Jacobs sighs.
  "Alright, let's say for just a moment that this is a dream. Then what?"
  "Well, then, I should wake up," I say.
  "And how are you going to do that?" asks Dr Jacobs.
  "I don't know," I say. "Usually, something comes and grabs me."
  "Well, nobody is going to come grab you in here," says Dr Jacobs. "Like I said in our first session, this is a safe place. Nobody is allowed in here, without my say so."
  "Okay..." I say. "Well, how can I wake up?"
  "Bianca, why would you want to wake up? You haven't slept in a week. If this truly was a dream, and you believe that you're asleep, shouldn't you stay asleep? Wouldn't that be best for you, at this stage?"
  "No!" I say.
  "Why not?" asks Dr Jacobs. "I thought you wanted to sleep."
  "Because..." I shrug. "Because I can't tell what's real."
  "Okay, well, we talked about this... if you want to tell what's real from what's not, you need to ground yourself, meditate on this reality, in this moment in time."
  "I don't want to ground myself in this reality, I want to wake up."
  "Bianca, you're not asleep."
  "Doctor, you told me that it's up to me what my goal is in therapy, right?"
  "Yes..." says Dr Jacobs, frowning. "That is true."
  "Well, my goal is to wake up."
Dr Jacobs sighs.
  "Okay... well, it's goot to have a firm goal. But it should also be achievable."
  "Then let's say this is a dream. How do I wake up?"
  "Well, if you were sleeping, I know of three ways that you can wake up from a dream. But I should say, this isn't psychiatry, we're talking about lucid dreaming, here."
  "Okay, well, how do I wake up?"
  "Well, some people try reading," says Dr Jacobs
  "Reading what?"
  "Anything. If you're dreaming, then it's more difficult to read, because your mind has to write the words and read them at the same time, even though the speech centres of your brain are switched off. But, reading can sometimes turn it back on, and that wakes you up."
  "Okay, do you have a book I can read?" I ask.
Dr Jacobs takes one of the books from her desk and hands it to me. It's a book about something called 'cognitive behavioural therapy'. I open to a random page and read the words. It's pretty dry, but I can read most of the words fine, so long as they're not big, sciencey words.
  "Okay, that didn't work. What else?" I say.
  "Well, some people pinch themselves," says Dr Jacobs.
I grab some skin on my forearm between my fingers and squeeze.
  "Ow! Shit... that hurt."
  "Well, of course it hurt... this is real, Bianca! Please, I don't want you to hurt yourself."
  "What's the third one?" I say.
  "Blink," says Dr Jacobs, with an exasperated sigh.
  "Blink?" I say. I blink my eyes a few times.
  "No, you have to really shut your eyes tight," says Dr Jacobs. "See, when we're asleep, our eyes are closed. Most people don't blink in dreams at all. But, if you shut your eyes tight, then open them, it can force your body to open your actual eyes."
  "Okay," I say, closing my eyes tight. I squeeze them shut.
  "Bianca, I think it's time you admitted to yourself that this isn't a dream," says Dr Jacobs. "I know you've gone through a lot, in the past week, but-"
I open my eyes. I'm staring at the ceiling, which is being lit by the sun streaming in through the window. I try to sit up, but I still feel a but fuzzy from the dream. I slowly push myself up against the headboard, and look at the window. The curtains are open, but there's a thin, white, lacy curtain, letting light spill into the room. I hear a familiar, soft ticking sound. It takes me a second to realize that it's a grandfather clock, like in my grandmother's house.
  "Grammy...?" I say, but my throat is so dry, it sounds like a whisper. I roll my tongue around my mouth and swallow. "Grammy?"
After a few seconds, I head footsteps on the other side of the wall. A door off to the side opens, and I see Grammy come in, her dark hair hanging around her shoulders, over her white blouse.
  "Bianca, you're awake?" she says.
  "Yeah," I say. "How long was I asleep?"
  "Three days," says Grammy. "I was worried after the last time you woke up, how are you feeling?"
  "I'm okay... my throat's a little dry," I say.
  "I'll get you a cup of herbal tea," says Grammy. "Wait here."
She stands up and heads out of the room, walking past the tall post on the corner of the bed. It's then that I realize I'm in a big, old-fashioned bed, with four tall poles on each corner, and I'm covered with a lush, warm blanket, cream-coloured with pink flowers patterned all over it. After a minute, Grammy comes back with a cup and saucer.
  "Here you are, dear. Drink up," she says. I shakily take the cup and saucer, and take a sip. It's very sweet, but it's warm and helps wet my dry throat, so I gulp a mouthful.
  "Thank you," I say.
Granny takes the cup from me, and places it on the wooden, bedside table.
  "Where am I?" I ask.
  "This is my guest room," says Grammy.
  "It looks just like my dream," I say.
  "What dream?" asks Grammy.
  "It was weird..." I say. "I couldn't sleep for days, because I'd had this nightmare that this dark figure, a reaper, came and strangled me in my dreams. It was in a room just like this."
  "I am sorry about that," says Grammy.
  "It's not your fault," I say.
  "I'm afraid it is, my dear," says Grammy. "The last time you got out of bed, I panicked. I had to stop you. So, I strangled you, until you fell unconscious."
  "What?" I say, giggling. "What are you talking about?"
Grammy's face looks stone-cold serious.
  "I couldn't let you leave, after all this time..." says Granny. "But I'm sorry that I had to choke you. That must have been terrifying."
  "But you..." I lift my arm to point at her, but my hand weakly falls on the bed and shivers. "What's happening?"
  "Good, the tea is working," says Grammy. "If you're paralyzed, hopefully you won't go waking up anymore."
  "Paralyzed? But, I have to go home."
  "This is your home." says Grammy. "You've lived with me for ten years now. After I killed your parents..."
I feel a cold shiver down my spine.
  "Buh... why?" I stammer. As I speak, my mouth is starting to go numb, and I can barely move.
  "When I killed your grandfather, it was a mercy. Alzheimer's - terrible way to die - so I saved him from those last few years of misery, and took them for myself," says Granny, pulling me down into bed like a ragdoll, and tucking me under the covers. "There we are... but, I didn't know that along with his life, I'd taken his death as well. I started to lose my memory. So, I was forced to kill Rachel, take her years, to put off that death for a while. But, I was still losing my mind. Magic is a fickle thing, child..."
As she fluffs up my pillow and fixes my hair, I feel her cold, thin fingers on my face, and as she leans over me, I see the shadow of her hair against the sunlight, it looks like a black hood... it really was her. She was the reaper I saw, in my nightmare. You've already lost your mind... I want to say - but I can't. I can't speak. I can't move my mouth.
  "I realized that the only way to slow the disease wasn't just to take years from someone's life, but their life force, and their mind as well. Your father tried to stop me... he died slowly."
I want to scream, I want to jump out of bed, slap her and run out of this house, but my body won't co-operate. I'm as stiff as a corpse. My grandmother keeps talking, enjoying her captive audience.
  "I'm sorry to do this to you, but I had no other choice," says Grammy. "But don't worry, I won't strangle you again. I truly am sorry about that. This time I'll do the spell properly. I promise, this time the dream will seem as real as before. Now, close your eyes..."
I stare at her, stunned. Frozen still, and terrified.
  "Oh, sorry, I forgot. Paralyzed - you can't blink..." says Grammy. she touches my face with a cold hand, and pushes my eyelids closed. "Goodnight, Bianca. Sweet dreams..."

THE END

Things that Somehow Exist

If you haven't heard of the "Mandela Effect" before, allow me to ruin your day. It all started when a single woman misremembered that Nelson Mandela died in prison in the 80s - even though he never did, and in reality, served as the African President 14 years later. Side-stepping the fact that an American, white woman isn't well-versed in African history (what a shock!) what followed is that rather than accept the fact that this is a false memory, something which happens all the time, because human minds are a confusing and complicated mess, which is prone to making mistakes sometimes - she assumed that rather than HER being wrong, REALITY was wrong, and she must have existed in a parallel universe where her memories are *totally correct, you guys!*
And now, there are groups of people who believe, without evidence, understanding or proof, that when they remember something that isn't true, or discover evidence that someone else makes a similar mistake about the past, it is ALSO evidence that they are just as super/special/awesome, and must also be dimensional sliders or mandelites or chosen ones in the matrix or whatever other nonsense they choose to believe to explain simple spelling errors.
And yes, the effect is named for Mandela, but most of these "false memories" don't involve influential historical figures so much as misremembering how to spell the names of popular cereals and children's book characters, or conflating two characters or events from pop culture.

It's a wholly uninteresting phenomenon. False memories happen all the time, for the simple fact that to save time and effort, your brain takes shortcuts to remember things, remembering them only partially or vaguely, and often doesn't bother to remember things that don't hold any significance to you.
So, why am I even talking about it? Well, that sense of feeling like reality is playing a trick on you, I can definitely understand that. I'm not foolish enough to believe that my false memories are true... but what about the opposite?

In my opinion, there's a much more interesting phenomenon, known as jamais vu. It's a french term which literally means "never seen", and the phenomenon is that exact feeling, it's remembering something, but feeling like it is unique and new, even though you have some vague experience of it. That's why I think of it as the opposite of the mandela affect - rather than believing a memory that's false, it's disbelieving a memory that is true. Of course, I don't believe this is proof that I'm actually from a superior reality, but it is still a strange phenomenon, depending on the kind of things you remember...
The reason it fits with this theme of "dreams" is because, to me, it feels a lot like remembering a dream. Like, say you have some vague memory of walking down a pier at night, but you've never lived near the coast you've only ever been to the beach during the day, so what was that memory? Is it real, or just something you remember from a dream? I'm sure this is rather common, as this is somewhat related to the pop culture phenomenon of "Lost Media". You may have heard of some common ones, like Clock Man. But, the things I'm talking about aren't so much lost, as merely half-forgotten - so today I want to present to you my list of five things that I didn't think were real... but which actually exist.

THE AWN's TOP 10 THINGS THAT (SOMEHOW) EXIST

10. The Land of Pleasant Dreams
Look, this was just a kid's show. I get that, it was a kid's show, and some kids shows are weird. But, the reason why this is on the list is because I totally forgot about it, until a few years ago, when I was working on my "Childhood Trauma" video, for Halloween Countdown 2019 (here's a link to Part 2 as well) I won't spoil some of the other media on that list, but I remembered this show, because it was also one of the shows that my parents owned on VHS which I watched a few times, and it was a little creepy because of the puppets, but unlike the other items I included on that list, it wasn't actually all that scary. I mean, I thought the grandma character that introduced the stories was a little creepy, although not enough to make the list.
But, that's to be expected, puppetry is always a little creepy. But, this show was incredibly weird. See, the gimmick is that this is a series of adventures about children who go to sleep and in their dreams they encounter interesting adventures in a weird world made of blankets and stuffed toys. The idea was that the show taught some simple morals, and sometimes included songs and stuff.
After doing some research, I actually found a few episodes on YouTube - and even saw some of the ones that were on our old VHS tape! "The Dog that was Too Fast" & "A Fence Too High" - there was also one about a horse that I wasn't able to find... I think it was walking backwards or something? I don't know.
Y'know, this is why this one is so low on the list - it's a weird kid's show and it's about dreaming, so it's inherently surreal - of course this one feels kind of dream-like. Even the music is often soft, using buzzy synth, I even wonder if this show was designed to help kids fall asleep. I mean, based on the musical sections where the character's sing, and the fact that the moral is at the very end of the episode, means that that's probably not the case, but the cliched songs and dreamy quality made me forget this one.

9. The One
Admittedly, this isn't as old as some of the other items on this list, as it's from 2008, but it's still something which I forgot existed, until I was working on this list. But, this was a television show, which was advertised as a world-changing phenomenon. Now, I never watched the show, I want to make that clear, I never actually saw any of the episodes. But... I saw the advertising that first introduced it, the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. Let's start with the title. Firstly whilst the show was advertised as The One, the full title was "The One: The Search for Australia's Most Gifted Psychic"...
I think that might explain every problem I have with this. I mean, sure, the idea was simple - this was a competitive reality show, wherein several self-professed psychics took part in a variety of contests and challenges to see which one was the most psychic. Now, to me, this is a pretty funny concept, because the reality is that nobody is psychic, so we're basically watching a collection of con artists or self-delusional idiots trying their hardest to keep their game face on, when being called out on their bullshit.
But see, I'm not here to debunk the show, because others have already done so very effectively. Rather, I remembered this show, but it just doesn't seem real... it doesn't seem like something that actually happened. See, let me explain... what makes this show seem weird and unreal to me is that it wasn't about calling them on their bullshit at all, it wasn't testing the veracity of psychic abilities - the show assumes that psychic powers exist, and even claims that the seven psychics chosen were "the top psychics in Australia". The goal of the show was to find out which of the contestants was the best. From all the advertising I saw, the tests weren't attempting to debunk, or even challenge these psychics - they were designed to let psychics perform a series of commonplace psychic tricks. From what I can tell on the Wikipedia page, this included dowsing; mediumship; mind-reading; psychometry; remote-viewing and the kind of thing which psychics have been claiming to do for years, and almost every episode included cold-reading of an audience, which is a well-understood parlour trick. Obviously, some of the people involved in this show must have known that psychic powers are a scam, since it was edited and marketed to promote the successes of the psychics, and downplay their failures, but I don't understand how you can go through the process of hiring a host, a set designer, a casting director - doing the casting call, and "testing" hundreds of applicants, how can all of that happen, and at no point in the whole process did someone come up and say "hey, uh... does nobody realize that this all bullshit? What the fuck are we doing?" - it boggles my mind, but trust me... this happened. not only that, apparently it had a second season three years later, in 2011, but it wasn't promoted anywhere near as hard (I guess because we'd already tested the "top 7" psychics, so obviously these psychics must have been sub-par). So, if I had a dollar for every time Channel 7 Australia hosted a reality show to try to find the best psychic in the country... well, I'd only have two dollars, but it is weird that it happened twice, right?

8. The Top's Dragon Coaster
This one is, admittedly, a little bit personal, since I used to live in Queensland, in and around the Brisbane CBD. When I was older, and lived on Queen Street, I would occasionally go shopping and check out the city, and I would often go to the Myer Centre, as it was one of the biggest places - four levels of retail, it was a lot of fun to shop there. But, one time a few year s ago when I was visiting the cinema, I had a weird recollection. See, the cinema is on the top floor, and I was looking over the edge of the balcony, I remember that the place looked familiar... specifically, there was a design on the roof that I remembered seeing "up close", but that's ridiculous, after all, that was far past the balcony of the fourth-floor, overlooking a drop to the food court down the bottom... to see that up close, I'd have to be flying. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that yeah, I had seen it up close - because I remembered riding a rollercoaster inside the building.
It sounded silly, but the more I thought about it, the more I remembered that when I was younger I had once ridden on a dragon rollercoaster inside the building - and I even remember that as a kid, I called it the remote-control dragon. I assume I must have asked my father how they drove it, since it doesn't have a driver, and I guess he said it was "remote controlled", so I just called it the remote-control dragon (Either that or I was a dumb kid, and I assumed that everything electronic was remote-controlled). But it wasn't called the Remote Controlled Dragon, I don't know if it had a name, but most people called it the Dragon Coaster. Apparently, there was a whole amusement park called "Top's", with carousels, little rides and an arcade - but I only remembered the roller coaster. The crazy part about this is, I've seen it after the fact - a few years after this moment that revived my memory, I saw the train sitting on the grass at some local markets. The rails were dismantled, but the dragon train had been converted into a "ride-on train", as they'd put some wheels on it, but it was the same dragon, because it was the same colour (if a bit faded, from sunlight), and still had that distinct "double-tail", but it was in one complete piece. I assume they would take kids for little rides around the empty car park near the markets, but I don't know if it's still around.
It's stuff like this which will always make childhood seem more whimsical to me. Book fairs with colourful puppets; getting a CD that took you to a website for kids & rollercoasters inside shopping centres...

7. 2003, "the Year of Australian Sketch Comedy"
I mean, the title kind of says it all, but what is weird is that this kind of exploded into (Australian) pop culture, and then disappeared. See, in Australia, there are basically 3 big television channels, 7, 9 & 10 (Don't ask me what happened to Channel 8, because I have no idea). There's also ABC, often on Channel 2, which I believe is partially subsidized by the government but beyond those major channels and some public access channels (like Briz31, that's one I know), these were the major telly channels. And for some reason, in 2003, every single television channel decided that sketch comedy was the must-have program on the broadcasting schedule... and in 2004, every single television channel decided that it wasn't anymore. Let me show you.
First, there was Channel 10, which on February 9, 2003, aired Skithouse. This was actually my favourite, since I found it to be more consistently finny. It had some comedians and television personalities which have gone on to greater things, like Peter Helliar, Corinne Grant, Tom Gleeson, Cal Wilson & the musical comedy trio Tripod. This show really enjoyed creating recurring gags and characters - I remember The Australian Fast Bowler, a superhero who solves many problems by being really good at bowling a cricket ball.
Next, there was Channel 9, which on February 19, 2003, aired Comedy Inc. hot on the heels of its competition. Whilst some of these names weren't as successful as their channel 10 counterparts, I enjoyed the hell out of Mandy McElhinney & Fiona Harris, both talented and funny, and I adore Jim Russell, not only because he was funny, but he later appeared in the show "Glitch", and he only had one scene, but he was captivating as that tragic character. Apparently what set this show apart is that it often parodied other popular shows of the time, which could be a bit hit or miss, they did original sketches too, but the parody sketches were the main gag.
Lastly, there was Channel 7 which took a whole four months before Big Bite aired in May 2003, and it was the least successful of the four. Despite this, it has a cult following, since it was the start of a lot of prominent talent like Chris Lilley, Andrew O'Keefe & Kate McCartney, who would later go on to join the Kate McKlennan to create both "The Katering Show" & "Get Krackin", each of which are fantastically funny shows.
But then, in 2004, it all ended. It started with Big Bite, as it was cancelled after just one season with just 15 episodes, concluding March 4, 2004. Skithouse was next, ending on July 28, 2004, after two seasons, with 19 episodes in total. But the last one on the rung was Comedy Inc., and this one technically lasted until 2007, with five seasons and 96 total episodes... however, in 2005, for Season 3, in an attempt to boost ratings, they changed to a later time-slot, and changing the name to "Comedy Inc.: The Late Shift". Whilst the show continued, the time-slot didn't help ratings, and it apparently changed timeslot a few times for the last three seasons, so it fell out of the zeitgeist. Meaning that the original show - the first two seasons before the time and name change - was merely two seasons long, and lasted for 30 episodes, ending in September 2004.
So, it came into our lives, and then vanished (unless you stayed up late watching Channel 7). And, it just leaves me wondering... why? Sure, I think the Big Bite was created just to cash in on the success of Comedy Inc. & Skithouse; but why were those made, at the same time? And why did they all lose popularity just as fast, after a year? It was all so fast, it feels like it happened in a dream, which is why it's on this list...

6. David Tench Tonight
Honestly, I wasn't planning on most of these being television shows, but you're more likely to understand what I'm talking about if it's something that aired on television. And, these are some of the ones that I remember the most. And when I was trying to remember things which felt unreal... well, there's nothing quite like David Tench Tonight.
See, kind of like The One, David Tench Tonight was a show from 2006 that was promoted as a television phenomenon, it was meant to be absolutely huge. They didn't even advertize exactly what it was - rather, Channel 10 did this pseudo-viral marketing campaign with just quotes about the guy, all advertised with the tagline "finally, someone real on television". I was drawn in, I wanted to see what it was all about, so I tuned into the first episode.
So, who is David Tench? Well... nobody. David Tench doesn't exist. What David Tench Tonight is is a computer-generated character, that hosts a talk show with real people using motion-capture so they're able to interact in real time with the real guest... that's it. Seriously. I remember I was watching in anticipation, but as soon as I saw what it was, I was like... "Oh, that's it?", and after the first segment, I changed the channel and never watched it again.
But, Channel 10 was all over this. in fact, the reason he was called David Tench, is because he was created by Channel Ten. David Tench was their creation, through and through, but why? David Tench was actually kind of creepy-looking. He was a computer-generated cartoon and they gave him an oversized head; but, they also gave him somewhat realistic hair and eyebrows, and an inhumanly wide mouth, so he was veering right down into the uncanny valley. The truly sad part is that David Tench was played by a real actor, named Drew Forsythe, who provided the voice and did the motion capture. He was uncredited in the show, and that's the one aspect of the show that kind of makes sense... because he wasn't real (and they never said who was responsible for the crap coming out of his mouth), they often used him to get away with making horrible jokes - in the same way that ventriloquists make their dummies say horrible things, because it's easier to handle bad jokes when they're coming from a puppet, since they're one-degree removed from reality.
But, at the same time, the problem with having your host be a fake person is that they have no inherent personality; but talk shows live and die off of the screen presence, relatability and integrity of their host... and, well, "live and die off" David Tench certainly did, because after one season of sixteen episodes, the show was cancelled. This was a bad idea, I'm afraid, and it was doomed to die, but that promotional campaign that lured people in without telling them what they were in for, is what dug the grave.

5. Truck Nuts
Does anyone else remember these? I only saw these a few times as a kid, and the first time I saw it, it made me laugh. but, the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. In case you're unaware, truck nuts were a vehicle accessory, which you attached either at the base of your vehicle's towbar, or just under the rear bumper. This novelty accessory looked like a fleshy scrotum, with two testicles, supposedly this would make it look like the testicles belonged to the car; or, in most cases, truck, as the height of a truck's chassis left enough room for the truck nuts to dangle without touching the road, and because, honestly, the same kind of toxic masculinity that leads to people purchasing unnecessary utility vehicles would also lead to them feeling like it's a good idea to display a pair of large, fake testicles.
Now, I looked this up, and I saw that there were several articles talking about the court case involving truck nuts. Several people and companies were fined or taken to court, on obscenity charges and there was a whole lot of drama about free speech laws. I think that's going a bit far - whilst I wish we could make idiocy a crime, we really shouldn't, and whilst I call this idiotic, I don't think it's obscene - I don't think any genitalia is inherently obscene. I still prefer if people stay clothed, so I can concentrate, but I don't think it's obscene to see nakedness, even if it is a fake pair of oversized testicles.
But, my real question is... who comes up with this shit? And even that question isn't an easy one to answer, as apparently several people have tried to claim that they are the inventor of truck nuts, so I can't really say who created these things, but even worse, I don't know what kind of weirdo would decide that these are such a good idea that they would purchase these, when they saw them on offer. I would understand if this was a gag gift, but no, these were purchased by car owners to put on their own vehicles. They saw it in the store, found out what it was for, laughed at it, took it to the counter, purchased it, took it home, took it out of the packaging, found out how to secure it to the back of their car, then did so, according to the instructions... and the whole time, they still thought this was funny. But, I mean, it's not that funny. I thought it was funny the first time I saw it, because I was a child and at first glance, it does look like the car has testicles. But even as a child, the next time I saw it (on a different vehicle, mind you), I was like "oh, they did that silly thing too... okay". But, maybe that's why they disappeared... maybe their moment is gone, and everyone realized that it's not a good idea to have testicles on your car. I mean, sure, they're probably around somewhere - maybe there's a small town where everyone has them. Or, more terrifying, maybe there's a warehouse full of unsold stock, waiting for someone to unearth a pallette full of deteriorating, plastic car scrotums. Honestly, this is something I wish I dreamed or made up... but no, truck nuts, too, are real.

4. Avenger Penguins
Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles was a huge phenomenon in the 90s. The show was massively popular, it had crazy merchandising, especially with toys and games, there was even a live-action movie, despite how difficult the puppetry was at the time (and they did a great job, all told). But, with the popularity of TMNT, there inevitably came the pretenders to the throne. I haven't watched all of these recently, but there were hundreds of shows that tried to rip-off the premise. I distinctly remember Street Sharks, Biker Mice from Mars, Battletoads & Mighty Ducks (the animated series). There were even even a few ripoffs using Australian Animals, such as Naive Inter-Dimensional Commando Koalas; Teenage Mutant Samurai Wombats; & Pre-Teen Dirty-Gene Kung-Fu Kangaroos... I promise you, I am not making any of these up, they were ripoffs of the comicbook, not the television show, but they actually existed.
But I'm not talking about comicbook ripoffs, because I never read any of these - rather, I want to talk about another television show. Because, even as a kid I could see through Biker Mice from Mars as a clear rip-off of the TMNT "heroic group of humanoid animals" thing, but most people seem to know about Biker Mice and Battletoads and Street Sharks -  I've heard other people talk about them before. But there's a show, clearly designed to rip off Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles, which nobody seems to talk about, but I watched a bit as a kid. It was called Avenger Penguins. This show was about motorcycle-riding penguins, who lived in a giant iceberg or something, and would fight against an evil guy called Mister Doom... using motorcycles. Maybe this was more of a rip-off of Biker Mice than the Ninja Turtles? I don't remember much about this show, except that it had penguins riding motorcycles... but, I don't understand why.
I found some of the show on YouTube, and I watched a few episodes for this blog post, and honestly, watching this show again just begs further questions! For one thing, not everyone in the show is a penguin - even the evil villain just just an ugly guy with grey skin, so I don't understand why the main characters are penguins. Also, if you watch these episodes for yourself, you'll see that this had some pretty fluid animation, and it was clearly scripted with jokes, and a simple but effective plot, so I think this had a relatively good budget for an animated show. So, although this is a TMNT cash-in, they didn't phone it in, they put real work into this show. Maybe I'll have to look into this more later, but for now, this still feels like something that couldn't have happened, even though I have proof now that it did...

3. "The Jackass Phenomenon"
I'm sure you've heard of Jackass, and to me, the show itself isn't really so weird that it's unbelievable... no, what is unbelievable to me is that this wasn't just one show, or one movie... This was five television shows, and seven spin-off shows - including a reality game show; five movies, three spin-off movies, a documentary & a videogame! And the popularity of the show influenced a lot of shows to follow, like Adrenaline Crew; Dirty Sanchez; The Dudesons; Nitro Circus; Rad Girls; the Tokyo Shock Boys & Too Stupid to Die, as well as countless YouTube "prank" channels.
And you know, despite all of this... I still don't "get" it.
I never watched the television show, I just saw the first movie, and I laughed at some of the stunts, but not all or even most of them. I mean, it's all there in the title - it's a bunch of guys acting like jackasses, but why? What is the point? Okay, let me explain where I'm coming from...
See, what truly broke my brain was the videogame Jackass: The Game. See, I do not understand the point of this show, but, in a videogame, you have to have a goal, and in some cases, a points system so you can quantify how well you're doing. So, what is the goal in the Jackass videogame? The goal is "to film a series of Jackass"... Really? Okay, that leaves me just as confused as before... but, what about the point system, though? How do I tell if I'm "filming jackass" correctly?
Well, you have to hurt yourself. In some minigames, you have to compete with one another, or do some comedy routine, but in most of the minigames, the more hurt you get, the more points you get... in some, they even display each injury you get, and you get more points depending on the severity.
Is that the entire point of Jackass? Getting the most hurt? But... no, that doesn't make sense. I don't believe that everyone who watches the show is some kind of sadomasochist, surely thousands of people don't enjoy seeing people get hurt or humiliated - I mean, this isn't meant to be BDSM, it's not pornographic it's comedic. At least, I think it's not pornographic... there's a lot of weird butt stuff, like the "Ass Rockets", and "The Butt X-ray", and then there's "Party Boy", which is just a prank where a guy strips off and dances... has anyone ever written a Jackass/Fifty Shades of Grey crossover fanfic?
But no, no, no, this is meant to be a comedy, Wikipedia even calls it "slapstick". But, slapstick is about exaggerating violence, stagefighting, prat falls and other exaggerated actions. Jackass doesn't exaggerate its violence, it just shows the results of their actions. In one scene, a boxer beats the shit out of Johnny Knoxville, and he has to get stitches. That's not funny.
I mean, for goodness sake, this was multi-million dollar franchise - I am not kidding, the first movie had a five-million dollar budget alone, and earned almost eighty million dollars. Then, it all died down, possibly because some of the actors involved died, and others went to rehab... but, why did it get so big in the first place? Did everyone in the world just lose their minds for a few years? What the hell happened? I still don't know, and that's why this is number 3 on this list.

2. Wicked Willie
When I was much younger, I'm talking single digits (and I'm 30 now, so that's over twenty years ago), my parents would take my family and me to the local library. I think this was over the school holidays or something, because every week for a few months, we went to the library and borrowed books from the library using our library cards. Occasionally I would borrow books, but I was fascinated by the videos. There was a nature video that I saw about bears... I can't remember anything about it, except that it had a bear at one point (this was a long time ago, okay?). But, there was another video I asked to borrow, because I didn't understand it at all, and I was curious as to what it would be about.
See, it was a video for a movie called "Wicked Willie - the Movie", and it was about a personified, talking penis. The conceit of the film was that it had a series of sketches, intercut with Willie doing a stand-up routine. Now, before you get any ideas, I was like 10... I wasn't trying to ogle naked people in a weird sex comedy - and second, this was a cartoon, in a simplified "Jim Davis", British newspaper comic style, so it wasn't detailed enough to be in any way erotic. Also, I didn't understand all of the jokes - I don't remember laughing once when I watched this as a kid, I was just confused.
I don't even know why my parents hired it out - even though they had to hire it out on their card, since it was R-rated (don't worry, whilst there was maybe a boob here or there, it was mostly R for "sexual references", and when the main character is a talking cock, that's kind of a given - it wasn't porn, by any metric). I assume that my parents also thought it was pretty tame, and/or, because I was that age, they thought maybe I was curious about my body... Eh...? I don't know, I didn't bother to ask them for this blog post. I guess, if I took my kid to the library, and he wanted to watch a weird movie about a talking penis, I would't prevent him from seeing it either, but it is a weird situation...
However, as weird as it is that as a kid I watched a movie about a talking penis, what truly puts this on the list, especially in the number 2 spot, is that when I remembered this thing and I looked it up to make sure it was real... it turns out that this was kind of a big deal back in the day. See, the reason this movie exists is because this originally started as a comicbook, then it had this movie, and it even had a cartoon series (banned from television for obscenity, but apparently it had over a dozen episodes), a sequel movie, and even a board game & a non-fiction book all about the phenomenon!
Unfortunately, I don't remember a single joke, except that when Willie was doing stand-up, he wore a bow-tie, and that's kind of a funny image. But, this thing - this silly cartoon from the 1980s, was so popular that it got international distribution? Yeah, did I mention that this was British? it was from the U.K., but it was popular enough to find an audience in Australia. Or, at the very least, one of its videos appeared on the rack in the library in my suburb... I don't know what to say except - yeah, this is real.

1. MOT
This may not seem that weird to you, and hey, the last two things were international phenomena, so what's this little thing? Well, the reason this is number 1 is because for the longest time, I didn't think this was real. See, for years, this was my personal Lost Media journey... for the longest time, I was trying to find out if this was real, because I wasn't sure, but the images were so distinct in my mind.
See, I had three things which I remembered very clearly:

• First of all, there was a purple dragon that could either grant wishes, or use magic - that was the main conceit of this show, a guy who had a magic, purple dragon that could grant wishes.
• Secondly, I remembered a scene where the world turned into a cube.
• Thirdly, I remembered a scene where everyone's house was hovering about a foot off the ground, but flying along at speed, and the main character had to jump from one house to another.

That's it, those are the three things I remembered - and they were connected somehow, but I didn't know how (presumably all were caused by the purple dragon's magic), but I didn't know what the show was called, what else it was about, or if maybe I had made all of this up in a dream.
But... shock of all shocks, I FOUND IT. See, I'm not crazy!
This is a show called "Mot" (I guess that's why I never remembered it - that name is ridiculous). Mot is the name of a purple monster that lives with his human friend, called Leo. The reason why Mot was called Mot is because his species is "Monstrous Organicus Telluricus" or M.O.T. for short. This species has the innate ability to open interdimensional doors. Look, okay, he's not actually a dragon, he's a monster, but he does have a dragon-like tail!  Also, he doesn't grant wishes... I think that might have happened in one of the episodes, but I'm not sure. Or maybe I'm mis-remembering a time when Leo asked him for something, and he did it for him with one of his dimension doors? Ehh...?
This was popular in the mid-to-late-90s, so that's probably why I don't remember it very well, I was pretty young at the time. It looks like a weird show, but honestly? I wish I could see it again. It looks weird, but kind of cool. Dimension-hopping monsters? Sign me up!
The problem is that the original show is French, so I don't even know if it's available on DVD - I don't even know who was responsible for the dub that I watched on television so long ago.
Whilst this media is no longer forgotten... it's still lost, to me. I'm not at the end of my Lost Media Journey, just yet. But, still, this was a really unusual show with some surreal elements, so it's no wonder that it felt more like a dream than a memory. Hell, the only reason why I thought it was real was because it's a cartoon, and I don't tend to dream in 2D animation... so who's to say how many of my other memories are actually just boring dreams?

- - -

Alright, well, that's my list, but do you have one? What are some other culture, media or phenomena which you remember, but are so unusual that it just doesn't feel real?
I admit that this is a bit of a strange concept, but I think it's fascinating. After all, they say that Truth is Stranger than Fiction, and so I find this so much more fascinating than the Mandela Effect nonsense that inspired this post, and I'm curious how many of you remember these things I'm talking about - did you find them as surreal as I did? And of course, if anyone knows where I can watch, or purchase some of these old shows (especially Mot), please get in touch.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and Until Next Time, take comfort in the fact that, in the very least, I know that you exist... I mean, I think you do. You exist, right? Guys? Is somebody out there? ...hello?