Sunday 25 October 2020

Faking a Sickie - Part 2: The Legendary Lurgy

This boy all SIXes-and-sevens.
Today, I continue my exploration of Fictional Diseases. I've already discussed diseases which horrify us from Film & Television, but today I want to talk about another kind of fictional disease. Rather than diseases we made up to scare ourselves, I want to look at diseases we made up to inspire us, to cause awe or intrigue.
This is odd to explain, so in simplest terms, rather than specific "horror" diseases from film & TV, I'm looking at more generic "fantasy" diseases from folklore and culture.
Most specifically, I was intrigued by diseases which seem to come from several sources, as opposed to just one - as well as some realworld psychology, history and biology which might explain what inspired these ideas in the first place (also, I couldn't think of a way to organize this, so I've gone for alphabetical). Again, I fear I'm not explaining this well, so rather than continue to try to tell you what I'm talking about, let's just get right into it.

LEGENDARY SICKNESS, AND WHERE IT (PROBABLY) COMES FROM

Brain Fever
Symptoms/Treatment: Brain fever is a physiological/psychological condition which affects the brain, causing severe overheating of the brain matter, resulting in death if a person cannot allow their brain time to cool. This is caused when someone experiences extreme, emotional upset, When a person becomes too upset - often caused by fear, grief, pain, panic or nightmares.
Common symptoms include exacerbated feelings, manic and frantic behaviour, loss of coherent speech, fever and/or sweating. As well, some patients claim that the heat of brain fever causes the brain matter to lose cohesion, and as a result causes a sensation of their brain "melting" and dripping from the ears or nose (although this is most likely a delusion brought on by the fever itself, and their own sweating).
If left untreated, this disease can result in long-term brain damage, or even the death of the afflicted patient. Known treatments are bedrest, cool showers or baths and other means of lowering body temperature, and creating distance (physical or mental) between the afflicted patient and any stimuli which triggered their initial fever.
Distribution/Source: Victorian literature contains several references to the affliction, often as a psychological condition brought on by stress or grief. However, the term is rather vague, and it appears to have been used in non-fiction works to refer to other neurological conditions such as cerebritis, meningitis, viral encephalitis or scarlet fever.
(Potential) Origins: The disease which has the most similar symptoms appears to be Encephalitis, a swelling and inflammation of the brain often caused by viral infection or brain trauma. Common symptoms include headache, fever, seizure & vomiting; or in prolonged cases, delirium, hallucination, loss of coherent speech, loss of hearing, memory loss & seizure. I believe that this is most likely the cause for belief that brain fever can be fatal, However, the affliction which most likely inspired this cultural disease would be the broad psychological concept of the Nervous Breakdown. - as this is a broad term, I would specify, it appears to specifically relate to persons with a predisposition for neuroticism suffering from a panic attack or manic episode, due to environmental triggers. In Victorian times, mental health was not well understood, and the concept of someone losing mental stability because of emotion, environmental triggers or trauma likely didn't make a great deal of sense - so explaining it in simpler terms "when brain thinks too much, brain gets hot" sounds a lot like common sense (which is one of the reasons why it's wrong), and whilst it sounds silly now, I don't blame people at the time for trying to understand why people might become overwhelmed due to emotion, and trying to help them, even though their efforts were misguided.

Cooties
Symptoms/Treatment: Cooties refers to a species of bacterium which infects the patient's skin and internal organs, and in some extreme cases can be prevalent on the person's clothing or belongings. There are at least two naturally occuring forms forms of the disease, the most common is known as pigelustjejbaciller, tyttöbakteeri, or "girl germs" is epidemic among females, especially children. There is a rarer strain, known as drengelus, killbaciller, poikabakteeri or "boy germs" which exclusively grows on the skin of male children, especially prior to puberty. There is a third form which appears to randomly affect children of any gender or sexual orientation, which appears to be comorbid with a child's own natural strain of this bacterium.
Whilst afflicted with ones own native strain of this bacteria, children can live normal lives, although girls infected with girl germs have been reported as having poor muscle weakness, hand-eye co-ordination and a fragile emotional state, causing them to "throw like a girl" and "cry like a sissy"; whereas boys infected with boy germs have been known to show heightened levels of aggression and mild learning disabilities, causing them to "act mean" and "be stupid". Although information is limited on the third strain, it has been known to cause unusual behaviour, shyness and may be comorbid with certain physical or learning disabilities, causing them to "act like a weirdo" or "be the freaky kid".
If a child touches another infected child, and their form of cooties interacts with their own, this condition is believed to cause unusual reactions resulting in possible disability, homosexuality or other forms of gender-nonconformity.
The only known treatment is through vaccination, often in the form of a cooties shot - this is either provided by re-administration of the child's own native bacteria species from someone of their own gender or social group (often administered with a specific rhyme) or in some countries it is administered with a retractible ball-point pen. This completely eradicates the foreign bacteria from the child's system.
Distribution/Source: Yeah, I had a bit of fun writing this one - this is simply a feature of child playground mythology. It was first encountered in the 1950s, after the polio epidemic, and although I haven't been to school in a while, I believe that it is still prevalent to this day, although modern and progressive lessons regarding prejudice and its ills has, helpfully, reduced this disease's spread.
(Potential) Origins: Although it became popular during the Polio epidemic, the disease has no symptoms that in any way resemble polio (except for the potential vaccination). I feel the disease most resembles Parasitosis, any infection spread via parasite, although some research claims that soldiers used to refer to "lice" as cooties, but I think that's a case of lice being named for cooties rather than vice versa. Whilst "it's like parasites" is even more vague than "nervous breakdown", it's more apt in this case because in reality, Cooties doesn't seem to have any symptoms. For that reason, the actual cause of Cooties is simple - Prejudice, even the "symptoms" I've listed are just juvenile sexism, ableism and homophobia. Cooties a simple game of "us vs. them" exclusivity, because in a mixed-gender school, the most obvious form of difference between students is sexual dimorphism, especially since most schools have gender-specific uniforms. In my experience, the homophobia isn't as prevalent now as it was when I was in primary school, but it nonetheless takes times for kids to better develop their empathy to a point where they don't think "difference" is the same thing as "sickness" or "wrongness".

Hanahaki Disease
Symptoms/Treatment: Hanahaki disease is a parasitic infection of the lungs and throat by flowering plants. These plants grow within the lungs, or in some rare and dangerous cases the heart, occasionally spreading through the stomach and mouth, which causes difficulty breathing, chest pains and the coughing up or regurgitation of (often bloodied) petals, or even whole flowers, from the mouth. This is caused by the patient feeling unrequited same-gender love for another person who is unaware of their affection.
Symptoms often worsen over time, but can be exacerbated due to proximity with the patient's subject of desire, or extenuating circumstances such as the subject of desire's relationship status, and the patient's own shame for their feelings. The condition can last for months or even years, and if left untreated often results in death by blood loss or asphyxiation.
There are only two known treatments. The first is the reciprocation of the patient's affection from their beloved subject. The other is surgery to remove the plant, which will also remove the patient's love for their subject of desire. A third potential treatment would be a natural loss or lessening of affection, but as this disease tends to be produced from very strong feelings, I have yet to see any proof that this treatment is effective.
Distribution/Source: The original source of this disease was fanfiction, particularly Japanese Yaoi fandom, slash fiction as well as Yuri fandom - often of anime & manga. This is the reason for the name, as hana (花) means "flower" and hakimasu (吐きます) means "vomiting". Over time, this has spread to the West, with several examples in both translated Japanese media, as well as original, English-language fanfiction.
(Potential) Origins: I can see only two potential origins for this concept. The first is Aspergillosis, which is a fungal lung infection, where a species of Aspergillus fungus causes chest pain and difficulty breathing, as well as the coughing up of blood. Although fungus is not a flowering plant, as it's technically not a plant at all, this is a bit of a stretch, but there is a clear correlation in symptoms. The second cause is simply Lovesickness. In the real world, love (especially manic or unrequited love) can develop strong and even painful feelings, with symptoms including chest and heart pain, difficulty breathing, dizziness and vomiting, so it makes perfect sense that someone would want to represent that in the form of a disease. I'd have to therefore assume that the reason why this seems to affect homosexual lovers exclusively is either because of the social stigma, forcing someone to keep their feelings hidden. Or, it may simply be a way to kill off gay characters in a painful, but romantic way.

Morgellons Disease
Symptoms/Treatment: Morgellons is a skin condition that results in fibrous or "hairy" growths under the skin which causes redness, severe itching and discomfort, and in some cases lesions as these fibres grow out and protrude from the skin.
There is no known treatment, as there is little research regarding this disease, and what research has been done has thus far been counterproductive in finding proof of this disease, its cause or its cures. Thankfully, this disease is not fatal, and although quality of life suffers due to the constant itching, with palliative care patients can live a long and fulfilling life.
Distribution/Source: The original source of this disease was one woman, Mary Leitao, who in 2002 insisted that her (at the time) two-year -old son was suffering from an undiagnosed and unheard-of disease. After aving eher findings repeatedly disputed by doctors and disproven by researchers, Ms Leitao created the Morgellons Research Foundation to raise money for research, as well as to raise awareness of this disease.
(Potential) Origins: As this is a very recent "disease", and has been queried by several doctors and researchers, this is the most well-documented disease on this list. So, this isn't mere speculation, actual doctors have provided two potential explanations for this disease, the most prevalent one being Factitious Disorder Imposed on Another; more commonly known as Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy, this is a psychological disorder whereby sufferer's willingly prescribe an illness to someone in their care, to fulfill some psychological need for attention, acclaim or control. However, Leitao's son isn't the only sufferer, apparently several people claim to have this disease, and doctors suggest this may be caused by Delusional Parasitosis, or the chronic delusion that bugs are crawling over, or under, a patient's skin causing itching and can bleed from excessive scratching. But wait, if all these people are delusional, how do we explain the hairs or fibres under their skin? well, according to tests done on these fibres, the fibres are cellulose, and are consistent with clothing lint, which gets into the wounds after the skin is broken.
 
Spontaneous Human Combustion
Symptoms/Treatment: Spontaneous Human Combustion is when a person, without external heat sources, flames or sparks, suddenly ignites and burns with such an intense flame and heat that their body is incinerated, leaving little more than soot, ashes and charred fragments of bone - although in several cases, remote parts of their body such as hands and feet are left with smoking stumps but are otherwise unaffected. The flame burns hot and fast, such that the victim doesn't have the opportunity to react, and the area around them is often only minimally damaged, as the flame burns out before their surrounds can catch fire. This is a relatively rare condition, as there have only been 200 cases on record. Although the exact cause is not known,some have suggested that static electricity or the heat of gut bacteria may be involved in the initial spark; as well, the consumption of alcohol has been linked to several cases, which alongside body fat and methane may be involved in providing the fuel of these blazes.
Distribution/Source: This is the subject of urban legends, and due to hearsay has also been portrayed in fiction (e.g. Redburn by Herman Melville, Dead Souls by Nikolay Gogol & Bleak House by Charles Dickens). But, there have been several cases of people dying from intense fires without any known source of ignition. So, who's to say that Spontaneous Human Combustion doesn't exist?
(Potential) Origins: Yeah, I'm gonna say that this is total nonsense. Yes, humans are surprisingly flammable, Not only are there only do some flammable gasses like methane and hydrogen exist in our digestive tract, but animal fat burns well, which is why it was once used in making of candles in the form of tallow. People used to theorize that alcohol caused a chemical reaction, because alcohol was involved in so many cases - but do you know what else alcohol causes? That's right, drunkenness. It's my belief that Alcoholism is the main cause of this affliction. Not only because alcohol itself is flammable (spill a little on your shirt, and it will ignite easier), but in excess it makes you sluggish, unresponsive and lower one's inhibitions to do dangerous things, like, sleep close to a fireplace -and yes, burning fireplaces, lit cigarettes and even stove-tops have all been involved in purported cases of "spontaneous" human combustion. But, even when they don't, it's just not believable that the human body could just burst into flame apropos of nothing, because,humans don't ignite. We're almost 70% water, and fire requires energy - in the form of heat or a spark - to alight, and the human body cannot accidentally create that much excess energy in a single point. Which leads me, sadly, to my second potential cause of this - instead of accidental, there may be some cases where this was on purpose. I'm talking about suicide, in the form of Self-Immolation. Some people when they take their lives want to act out and "send a message" or be remembered. One way they choose to do that is to die in a way that's "enigmatic", without an obvious cause, in the hopes that it might be remembered, but it's a whole lot of pain and suffering for nothing - even the Wikipedia page talks about religious rights and martyrdom, but that's giving this more respect and reverence than it deserves. To me, it's just sad that anyone would think that the most memorable part of their life would be the end of it.

[No one, least of all me, was expecting me to talk about suicide, so if you (or a loved one) is feeling suicidal, or depressed, know that there's nothing shameful about asking for help, and help is available, you can speak to someone who can help you, today.]


Anyway, that's my list for now; but, y'know... there's a another kind of unreal sickness out there. I've talked about fake illness that disturbs, I've talked about false ailments that intrigue... but next up, I want to talk about some fictional afflictions that cause actual, physical harm.
I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, I'm going to be doing more research on human prejudice, and the bad science that can come from it...

Saturday 24 October 2020

Australian Poetry Slam 2020 - Albury Heat, "WAM Zoom Slam" (2nd Place Finalist)

If you're wonderign what the SEVEN Illustration is... Audiences don't applaud during poetry slams, they click. Hence, the clicking fingers...
Nightmares

Daddy Daddy, there's a monster that lives under my bed!
He wants to chew on my my toe-nails, and rip off my head!
  Hush kiddo, let's see... no, no monsters down here.
  When I lift up your mattress, there's nothing to fear.
See, monsters don't live in these dark, scary places.
They live in our suburb, and wear regular faces.
  Real monsters will kill you, or rape you, molest you,
  Use you, abuse you, exclude you, detest you,
They call some men "faggots", and some women "whores",
And they only like privilege, when it's not yours.
  But all of them deep down enjoy all this violence.
  So their victims must choose between death and silence.
See kiddo, no monsters, hiding under your sheets,
They're behind the closed doors, now go back to sleep...

Mommy, mommy, come quick! There's a beast in my closet!
It wants to tear out my insides - it's real! Yes, I saw it!
  Well, let's look... baby, look, no, it's just your reflection.
  So let's just turn the mirror in a different direction.
Because that's the real beast here, depression and stress,
and the more that you fight it, the more you repress,
  Till you cut yourself, kill yourself, drink, drugs or worse
  you might start to hurt others, just to manage this curse,
Your my child, I love you, and I'll give you my best,
But I don't understand how you feel when depressed,
  Or anxious or manic or with P.T.S.D.,
  Some try to, god bless them, but most just cannot see.
So let's switch off the light, baby, go back to bed.
There's no beast in the closet, it's all in your head.

Mommy! Daddy! Come quick! There's a ghost in the yard!
It wants to haunt me, and take me away in the dark!
  Let me see, let me see, let me turn on the light...
  No honey, just a shadow that gave you a fright.
Ghosts don't exist, they don't hide in the black.
When you die there's no ghost. Nothing dead can come back.
  So don't be scared of the ghosties and ghouls, it's a lie
  So some folks can think they're not dead when they die.
Even thoughts in our heads are just sparks in our brains.
But when that spark goes out, just our body remains
  Then we're put in the ground, where our bodies will rot,
  Until all of the things that you love are forgot.
There's no ghost here to haunt you, my dear, close your eyes;
Just the haunting reminder that everything dies.

So don't be scared of the monster, the ghost or the beast,
These are fiction, they can't hurt you, not in the least.
  Because nightmares are easy, make no mistake...
  It's the world that we live in that keeps me awake.


- - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Author's Note: This is only a written form of the poem, but I actually performed it as part of the Albury Heat of the 2020 Poetry Slam. The recording is not publicly available at this time (and may not be available at all) so I'm afraid you can't see it for yourself.
However, as I scored high enough to earn second place, I actually go to the next round, which means that you can still see me perform at least one more of my poems, for the Australian Poetry Slam 2020 NSW Finals. If you would like to attend, you can get tickets online at the Australian Poetry Slam website, right here! This is an online event, so you can take part from the comfort of your own home. I do know that it will be a part of the Word Travels' festival Story Week, November 6th-14th and the poetry slam itself is on at 8pm, November 11th - the recommended price is $25 for a full-access ticket, but the cost for a single event should be just $5 (or less, depending on your situation).
I am not asking for you to come just to cheer me on, or even just to watch the poets perform - in my experience, book, fiction, story & writer's festivals are an absolute blast to attend. When I lived in Queensland, I attended the Brisbane Writer's Festival every year; and this year as a newly-housed New-South-Welshman, I happily took part in the Write Around the Murray Festival, and very much enjoyed the many and varied performances, seminars & stories available. Even though it had to be mostly online due to the current pandemic, I still had a blast, and I will definitely be attending next year as well, it was a lot of fun. So, please, come along if you can and see what there is available online - it's well worth the price of admission - and if you want you can see me and the other poetry slam finalists perform, you can at 8pm, November 11th. I hope you find yourself there.]

Friday 23 October 2020

Howl

you have twenty-EIGHT days to pay... are you planning on staying in these Woods overnight?” “Yeah. Why?”     “Just be aware, there have been reports that some schoolkids were screwing around up there... So, just try to be careful."
The huge shelf of masking tape, tarps, paint thinner and tools loomed in front of her like an insurmountable wall. It was so overwhelming, that Theresa found herself staring through it into the middle distance, half-heartedly shaking her head.
     “What the hell am I doing...” she muttered to herself.
     “Can I help you, Miss?” asks one of the shop assistants, snapping her out of her daze. He was just a teenager wearing a green apron emblazoned with the store logo.
     “Oh, sorry, I’m uh... I was looking for something.”
     “Well, can I help you find it? It’s just, we’ll be closing soon. It’s nearly nine o’clock.”
     “Oh, uh, I was just looking for something... flammable,” she says, glancing at the paint thinner.
     “Well, there’s fire-starters and kerosene in the barbecue section.”
     “Kerosene... Yes, that sounds good. Where’s that?”
     “Follow me,” says the kid, and he heads down the aisle. Theresa grabs her shopping trolley, with a tent, a shovel and sleeping bag, and follows quickly behind. She felt guilty making this kid do most of the work for her, but she didn’t see another choice.
The boy leads her almost a dozen aisles down, to where several barbecues are displayed, but he stands by the aisle alongside them.
     “We have kerosenes, here,” he says, pointing at blue and clear liquid in various sizes of bottle. “But, we only have one kind of firelighter left, the white brick. This Friday, we’ll get more stock of the natural bricks-”
     “-What’s the difference between the white and the blue kerosene? Does one burn hotter?” asks Theresa.
     “Oh, no, the clear kerosene is odourless,” says the assistant, picking up a one-litre bottle to show her the label.
     “That’s what I need,” says Theresa, grabbing two clear, four-litre bottles, and adding them to her trolley. “And where are the fire starters?”
     “Just here,” says the kid, leaning down to grab a packet from the shelf. “Is that everything?”
     “Yes, thank you,” says Theresa, taking the packet from his hand. “You’ve been a great help, thank you. Just don’t... I mean... thank you so much, have a good night.”
Theresa turns her trolley around and quickly heads for the checkout, exhaling heavily as she leaves the kid behind her. She had everything, but she still felt a knot in her chest. She rolled her trolley up to one of the only three checkouts still open. A cheerful, old lady was waiting, and began scanning as Theresa unloaded the smaller items, making a painfully high-pitched beep for each purchase. Theresa rolled the trolley forward, for her to scan the tent, sleeping bag and shovel.
     “Going camping are we?” asks the lady, stepping out to scan the items. She took short steps as she moved, and Theresa guessed she had bad knees.
     “Yeah, I’m just going up to the Woods.”
     “You mean, Blackblood Woods?” asks the lady, reaching down to scan the tent. Theresa frowns.
     “No. Where’s that?” asks Theresa.
     “Just by the river,” says the lady, as she gestures vaguely over her head with her free hand.
     “Yeah, that’s where I’m going. But, I didn’t know it was called that. Everyone just calls it ‘the Woods’.”
     “Of course they do,” says the lady, shaking her head as she stood back up. “Everyone just wants to forget what we did to those poor blackfellas.”
     “Right...” Theresa murmured, watching the lady read her screen.
     “That’s one-hundred and ten dollars, and forty-nine cents. Cash or card, love?”
     “Card,” says Theresa, grabbing her wallet. 
Theresa pays, thanks the woman and pushes her trolley towards the door.
     “You be careful, now,” the lady calls to her. “It can be dangerous in those woods.”
     
     
     Theresa heads to her little, white Honda Civic hatchback and opens up the passenger seat. There wasn’t much room in the little two-seater car, but she managed to place the tent, shovel, sleeping bag inside, and even slipped the firelighters alongside the little grocery bag in the foot pan of the passenger side. But, the heavy bottles of kerosene were too big.
Theresa nervously stood up and looked around the sparse carpark. There were still a few dozen cars around, but she couldn’t see anybody near her. She picked up the two bottles of kerosene and walked around to the back of the car. Taking another quick glance around, she unlocked the back hatch and opened the boot. She jumped as she saw her husband staring back at her with wild, dead eyes.
     “Jesus...” muttered Theresa, as she quickly pulled the edge of a blanket to cover his face. The whole wrapped up mess looked distinctly, and disturbingly, like a body - it was a good thing no one could see - and the whole mess smelled like smoke, alcohol and body odour. Theresa quickly picks up the kerosene bottles, and places them by her husband’s feet, then slams the hatch shut again.
     “Fuck you, Pete...” she mutters. Even dead, he was still managing to make her jump out of her skin.
She heads over to close the passenger door, then walks around the car and gets in the front seat. Theresa closes the door and sits there for a minute, staring out at the dark sky around the car park.
She’d made it this far, already. After panicking over his bleeding corpse for almost an hour, she’d managed to mop up the blood, bleach the tiles, roll up his body and throw him in the trunk. If she could just dispose of the body, then she would be free of this whole mess. If she could get away with this, then she could get away from this town, and finally escape.
Theresa closes her eyes, takes a deep breath and starts the car.
     
     
     The Woods are just a twenty-minute drive from the hardware store, so Theresa leaves the carpark, and heads along Maine Street, turning left by the school. It was so quiet and dead, no distractions. It meant there was nothing to occupy Theresa’s mind from the fact that she was driving around with a dead body in the boot of her car.
It wasn’t an accident. He had drunk an entire wine bottle, and had begun talking to her. He was just talking, that’s all... saying those disgusting things he would always say. She knew what was coming, she knew what always came next, and that’s when she grabbed the empty wine bottle...
The sound of sirens makes Theresa jump, and she glances at her wing-mirror to see red and blue flashing lights. It was a police car.
     “Oh, damn...” she says, with a sigh. Had someone seen the body in the boot? She’d covered his face so quickly... but what if someone had seen? She glances at the road ahead. The side of the road looks a little bumpy, but after hesitating a moment, she pulls the car over, and switches off the engine.
     “You’ve done nothing wrong, Terri... it’s routine, you’ve done nothing wrong...” she mutters to herself. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, deep into her lungs, and exhales it all, like her therapist had taught her. After a few calming breaths, she opens her eyes and glances over her shoulder to see a female police officer walking up to the side of the car. Theresa quickly grabs the handle and starts winding the window down.
     “Good afternoon,” says the police officer, as she walks up to the window, “I’m Officer Carrafas. Can I see your license, please?”
     “Of course, of course...” Theresa mutters, getting her wallet out of her pocket. She holds her wallet up to the police officer.
     “Can you take the license out of your wallet for me, please?” says the Officer, impatiently. “Unless it is, you want me to rifle all through it.”
     “Oh, yeah, sorry,” says Theresa, sliding her card out.
     “It’s fine, I just don’t want to be going through your wallet, y’know,” the officer says, as she takes the license. She reads it over.
     “Is this your vehicle?”
     “Yes... I mean, no, it’s mine, but it’s in my husband’s name.”
     “Right, Missus Tibbley,” says Officer Carrafas, handing back the card. “So, do you know why I’ve pulled you up, today?”
     “No, was I speeding?” says Theresa.
     “Well, you should know if you’ve been speeding,” says the officer. “But, no, you actually went through the stop sign, back there on Mockstation Road.”
     “Oh, right, sorry... I didn’t see it.”
     “You didn’t see the big sign on the corner?” 
     “Yeah, I’m sorry, I must’ve just been distracted or something.”
     “Have you been drinking today?” asks the policewoman, leaning down to look her in the eye.
     “No, not at all,” says Theresa, shaking her head. The officer stands up again, and takes a notepad from her belt.
     “Can I ask you where you’re going?”
     “Oh, just... camping. See?” says Theresa, pointing to the tent and shopping bags on the seat beside her.
     “In the Woods?” says the officer, raising an eyebrow. 
     “Well, yeah, I usually work the weekend shift, so I’ve got a few days off, and thought, what the hell, right?”
     “Mhmm,” grunts the officer, writing down in the notepad. “Can you wait here, please? Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back.”
     “Yes, of course, ma’m,” says Theresa.
The policewoman walks back to her car, grabbing her radio as she does. Theresa sighs heavily. Her heart felt like it was caught in her throat, and her hands were shaking.
She so badly just wanted to go. Just turn the key, and go. Maybe she could get onto the main road and escape. Drive for a few kilometres without her lights on, and go through the paddocks along Eureka Highway. She’d already murdered a man in cold blood, so what would it matter if she tried to drive away from a traffic stop?
Theresa heard a car door slam behind her and turned around to see the policewoman walking back towards her car, holding something in her hand.
     “Alright,” says Officer Carrafas, handing a thin piece of paper through the window. “I’m giving you this infringement notice for failing to stop at a stop sign. That’s a one-hundred and twenty dollar fine, and you have twenty-eight days to pay.”
     “Okay...” says Theresa, taking the fine.
     “Oh, by the way... are you planning on staying in these Woods overnight?” asks the officer, leaning into the window.
     “Yeah... why?” asks Theresa, nervously folding the piece of paper in her hands.
     “Just be aware, there have been reports that some schoolkids were screwing around up there. Drinking, breaking things, making a racket... so, just try to be careful, and if you see anyone up there misbehaving, especially underage boys, please let us know.”
     “Of course. Yes, of course, thank you.”
     “Alright. Have a good night, ma’m,” says Officer Carrafas, she nods, stands up and heads back to her police car.
Theresa looks at her hands to see that she’s folded the ticket in half five times, so now it was smaller than a playing card. She puts the ticket on top of the pile of camping gear, and leans forward to place her head against the top of the steering wheel, and groans softly.
     “Ohhh, god-freakin’ damn it... you’ve ruined my life, Pete.”
Theresa exhales heavily, then takes another deep breath to compose herself and starts the car once more.
     
     
     There was a carpark just outside the dirt trail, leading into the woods. It was empty, but Theresa drove off the paved roads onto the dirt path through the trees. She didn’t want to risk anyone seeing what she was about to do.
The road rumbled and rattled her little car, the tent and shovel bouncing around in the seat beside her as she made her way. Her stomach dropped at the thought of the body rolling around in the boot. Finally, the trail narrowed for foot traffic, and she could drive no further, so she pulled the car over to the side of the trail and cut the engine. It was so dark, she left her headlights on as she got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side. The trees were just black lines, with grey and dark blue in-between. She couldn’t see. It was perfectly quiet and empty for what she had planned to do, but it made her feel uncomfortable every time the wind picked up and she heard the trees swaying and brushing against one another.
Theresa grabbed the tent, slinging the bag over her shoulder, as well as the sleeping bag and the shovel, and stuffed the fire-lighters into the end of the sleeping bag, then she looked out into the darkness. She would need to head a good distance away from the trail - if she was going to get rid of the body, she couldn’t just leave upturned dirt in the middle of the path. She wanted somewhere secluded, and hidden away. Theresa tucked the shovel under her armpit, and reached into her pocket to get her phone. She switched on the light, and shone it in front of her. It was very bright up close, but the light was too dim to see more than a metre in front of her. She moved carefully, but as quickly as she could, heading into the trees. She’d never been into the Woods before, she’d only heard the stories people had told in town about it. She’d heard that there used to be an old uranium mine that had collapsed many, many years ago, as well as your usual campfire stories of monsters, ghosts and wild-men. But, she’d never stepped foot in it, so she’d never imagined that the trees would be so dense - she could barely walk two steps without there being another two trees in her way. She glanced back to see the headlights of the car disappearing behind the trees. It made her feel uncomfortable, but she had to go as far away from the path as she could, so that no one would ever find him again.
     That’s when she heard the howl.
     “Ah-wooooo!” called out a voice, in the trees behind her. Theresa turned around so quickly, she dropped the shovel.  She desperately turned her phone left and right, looking for the sound. Then she heard it again.
     “Yah-wooo!” it called, and the howl seemed to echo through the trees. Theresa couldn’t help but laugh. It didn’t sound like an animal, it sounded like someone doing a bad impression of a wolf.
     “Must be those kids...” Theresa muttered, reassuring herself. She laughed at how silly she felt, freaking out over some kids screwing around. It was too far away to worry her, so she picked her shovel back up and kept walking.
After another ten minutes of walking, she found the perfect spot. She’d have to put the tent between two trees that were quite close together, but there was a huge space in the middle, perfect for what she had planned. Theresa put the tent and sleeping bag by a tree, then she propped her phone up against the tent bag so that it shone onto the ground. It wasn’t great, but it meant she could see what she was digging without too much trouble.
She drove the shovel into the ground, and the moist soil gave way like wet cake. She lifted the wet ground up and dumped it to the side, and kept digging. She started by making a rectangular ditch, about the same size as a door, and worked to dig it deeper. After only twenty minutes of digging, she was only half a foot deep, but she was already sweating up her t-shirt and jeans, and mud had completely caked her sneakers. She wished that she’d thought about wearing something more appropriate, but it hadn’t been her main concern, when she’d come up with this plan. As she wiped the cold sweat from her forehead, she heard the howl again.
     “Ya-whooo!” it cried, way off in the trees.
     “Yeah, yeah, you said that already...” she groans, digging deeper. As she got down a foot deep, the soil was getting tougher, more like clay, but the hole wasn’t deep enough. It took another twenty minutes before the hole was up to her knees, so Theresa figured it was deep enough. She dropped the shovel out of the hole and she climbed out of the makeshift grave. She dusted herself off, although the mud on her legs was so wet, she basically ended up smearing it around. So, she scraped her hands cleaner with the bark of a nearby tree, then picked up her phone. She checked the battery, and it was still over 40%, so she meandered around the trees a little, grabbing large branches and sticks she could see, and throwing them towards her little campsite. She didn’t find very many, and some were very wet. but she figured the branches were basically an afterthought, since the kerosene would do most of the burning.
Theresa dropped the sticks and branches into the grave, then made her way back to the car. 
It was a fifteen minute trek, and she wandered aimlessly for half of the journey before she could finally see her headlights through the trees. Theresa headed over, opened the door and quickly switched off the headlights, to make sure the car battery wouldn’t go flat. Then, she headed around to the back of the car to open the boot. She found the right key on the car keyring, and shone her phone’s light on the back of the car. As she did, her stomach dropped.
     It looked like a bear had attacked her car.
There were about seven long scratches across the back of her car, each one with four lines from claws tearing through the paint, and although none of them had torn through the metal, the back panel of the hatchback had crumpled from the force of the blows.
Theresa turned around carefully, aiming the light all around the trail, but she couldn’t see a living thing.
     “Hello?” Theresa called nervously. Nothing answered and she turned back to the car. She didn’t know what had attacked her car. It looked like some huge beast. Maybe some animal could smell the body inside and tried to get at it, but bears, tigers and wolves weren’t native to Australia, so what could have done this?
Maybe it was those kids the police officer had warned her about... but Theresa had no idea how they’d managed to dent the car so badly. Theresa just sighed, and opened the boot. Once again, her husband was staring up at her, but she ignored him and just took the two bottles of kerosene out of the boot, placing them on the ground, then grabbed him by the legs and dragged him out of the car. She heaved him out, and the rest of his body hit the ground with a thump. First, she turned her phone off and put it in her pocket, then she unwrapped the sheets slightly, and put both the kerosene bottles in by his legs, before wrapping it up tight and starting to drag him towards the hole.
It wasn’t easy, as he was heavy and a dead weight, and she often had to stop to heave him over a root or large rock that he would snag on.
     “You’re such a pain in the arse, Pete,” Theresa groaned, as she dragged him along. “And it’s all your-” heave “-damned fault.”
After two more minutes of straining her arms, and dragging him through the forest, she couldn’t help but hate him even more.
     “I loved you, did you even know that? I actually...” heave “gave a crap about you... and you treated me... like a goddamned-” heave “-punching bag... so, go to hell, Pete. I hope you rot...”
     
     
     After dragging him for what felt like an hour, Theresa looked behind her. It was still hard to see in the dark, but her eyes had begun to adjust to the low light, and she could just manage to see the hole she’d dug, so she stopped to catch her breath. She leant against the tree, heaving, then smirked. She was still tired, but she was almost done.
Theresa unwrapped the blanket to grab the bottles of kerosene, then she dragged the body alongside the hole and kicked it.
Unfortunately, Pete was too fat to roll over, so she knelt down and shoved with both hands, and he dropped into the ditch, the branches and sticks cracking as the body dropped onto them.
The hardest part was over now. Theresa opened up the bottle of kerosene, and started pouring it into the hole.
     “I’m free of you now, Pete...” she says, as she covers him from head to foot. “I never have to dress up for you, or get screamed at, or play your disgusting games, anymore.”
Theresa emptied the bottle, then dropped it in the hole and grabbed the second bottle. she made sure to soak the blanket, so it would be easier to light. Then she dropped the second bottle into the hole, and went over to her sleeping bag. She got out the packet of fire-lighters and ripped it open, and reached in, and pulled out a small, waxy, white cube.
     “Okay...” Theresa mutters, she grabs the phone out of her pocket, and shines it on the packet. It was very bright after getting used to the darkness, but after a moment her eyes adjusted.
     “Instructions, use matches or a lighter to ignite a fire-lighter cube... I don’t have matches, I thought...”
Terri desperately takes all of the fire-lighter bricks out of the packet, placing them on the ground, and searches the packet, but it was empty. No matches, no lighter, nothing...
     “No... no no no no no!” Theresa searches her pockets, but she had no matches. And as disgusting as Pete was, he wasn’t a smoker. Theresa sits down against a tree and covers her mouth with her hand. She felt like a fool. How could she have forgotten matches?
She felt like she was going to cry. She was trapped. Stuck. Pete was going to win, again. She was never going to be free of him.
     “Maybe I...” Theresa grabs her phone and turns off the light, and tries looking all over the case. But, she couldn’t see a way to get a spark from it. All she needed was a spark, or a flame. Just a match, or a cigarette lighter, or....
Theresa jumped to her feet. Her old car still had a cigarette lighter. But would it stay hot?
Theresa picks up two of the white cubes and puts them in her pocket, then runs back towards her car.
     
     
     Her shirt was soaked with sweat, and her legs were burning, but she was running as fast as she could, bouncing off trees as she bolted towards the car. She was getting used to the path, so it was easier to find her way even in the dark, but it was still a long way from the hole she’d dug, to the car. It still took a good ten minutes before she was back at the car. But when she got there, she threw the door opened, and put the key in, and turned the car on. When she did, the interior light turned on, and she quickly saw the grey little, plastic button with the white cigarette symbol. She pushes in the cigarette lighter and exhales heavily.
     “Thank God for smokers...” she mutters.
     “Yah-ooooo!” calls out a voice, and Theresa snaps to attention, and steps out of the car, looking back at the path she’d just come. She heard the howl come from that direction.
     “Don’t tell me those kids are heading towards the body...”
Theresa glances around nervously, listening to the sound of her idling car, when she remembers the fire-lighters in her pocket. She couldn’t worry about the howling kids now. Surely they wouldn’t find her spot... but, she had to light the fire.
Theresa used the light from her phone to search for a small, but sturdy stick on the ground, not too dry, and she found one by the side of the trail. Then she took a fire-lighter out of her pocket, and skewered it like a marshmallow. It was a little heavy on the stick, but it meant she wouldn’t burn her fingers. She then went and sat in the car. She was nervous, breathing shallow, so it felt like ages, but after just two minutes the cigarette lighter popped out. Theresa turned off the car, then grabbed the little lighter nub. it was small, but when she turned to see the heating element, it was a coil of wires, glowing orange. She stepped out of the car, and placed the lighter against the white cube. It slowly lit, and the fire carefully crept around the surface of the cube, burning steady and slow like a candle. Theresa leant back into the car to put the lighter back, shut the door, and headed back to camp. She moved as quickly as she could, hoping the flame wouldn’t go out, but the fire-lighter did its job, keeping a steady flame, but she still couldn’t run while holding a light, burning stick, so she speed-walked through the trees. Every now and then, she glanced around, looking for any kids, or listening out for snapping twigs or people talking, but there was no one along the path. Maybe they hadn’t been here. Theresa had been told that sometimes sound can echo in unusual ways, that can change the direction. Maybe that’s what happened... maybe.
     Finally, Theresa came upon her makeshift campsite, once more. She leant down with her little flame, to look into the hole where she’d dropped his body, and she felt like she was going to be sick...
Blood, and flesh. She could smell the sweat, blood, bile and gore. Something had torn through the blanket, and clawed into the body. She could see a gaping hole where some of the organs were missing, and burst intestines had been tossed aside. She dry-heaved... she hadn’t eaten anything all day, but her stomach tried to leap through her throat. She turned away, and as she did, she heard something scratch against a tree, and she turned around. The flame wasn’t very bright at all, just a small light on the end of a stick, so she couldn’t see the creature. But, she could see two flickering pinpricks in the darkness... where the light reflected off its black eyes.
She stared at it, as it stared back at her. She held the flame out, so she could see a little clearer, and she heard the thing shift again. It was reacting to the fire.
The flame was so small, so Theresa decided that now was as good at time as any to finish the job. She turned, leant down, and placed the little torch onto the cleanest piece of white cloth that she could find. It worked better than she expected. The whole blanket was soon crawling with flame. Theresa turned back to the creature.
As the flame grew brighter, she saw the creature’s face - it looked like a man with leathery skin and pitch-black eyes, but he was covered in dark, brown hair, and he was almost twice her height. It squinted as the flame grew brighter, and bared its teeth, growling.
He sniffed and  snarled, then suddenly he stepped out from behind the tree and tossed its head back.
     “YAH-HOOOOOooo!” it howled. That familiar sound, that sounded almost human. It was a yowie. Or a yahoo. A yeti, a big-foot, a sasquatch - whatever you call it, the monster was staring at her, mouth dripping with spittle tinted red from blood. She could tell from its long nails, it was the same creature that had attacked her car. It started to hunch down, ready to strike.
Theresa wanted to crawl away, but she was right next to the burning pit. Her breathing became ragged, as she realized she was stuck.
Even dead, Pete had managed to trap her again. She couldn’t escape. Taking a deep breath, Theresa got to her feet, tears streaming down her face. If she was going to die, at least this once she was going to fight back. With a snort, the creature leapt out of the darkness...

     
     Officer Peyton walked unevenly alongside the long string of yellow police-tape strung between the trees. He took a sip of coffee  and exhaled mouthfuls of mist in the cold, morning air.
     “Jesus, you can smell it from miles away...” he says, as he comes into sight of Officer Wells, who was standing at the edge of a shallow grave. Wells was a stout man with a heavy moustache and severe eyes. Peyton asks him “What the hell are we looking at?”
     “Got a call about a fire in the Woods, thought it was the footy boys again,” says Wells, looking back at Peyton. “but now it looks like some kind of murder-suicide deal.”
     “In Hollow Falls?”
     “Yeah... I called for forensics, but it’s an hour out of town. So now, I’m corpse-sitting.”
     “Do we know who it is, yet?”
     “It’s too early to call it for sure,” says Wells. “Forensics will confirm, but we have reason to believe that it’s Peter Tibbley.”
     “Who the hell’s that?”
     “Local mechanic.”
Officer Peyton leans closer towards the rectangular ditch, to see a black and charred, human-shaped lump laying facedown on top of several logs, ash, burnt plastic and still-smoking embers.
     “So, who the hell was the guy?” asks Peyton.
     “Just a local. What are you prodding at?” asks Wells.
     “All I see charcoal, Mark. Did you turn the guy over? Did you find his wallet? How can you tell who it is?”
     “Last night, Carrafas was called in for a welfare check at the Tibbley house - the front door was left open.” says Wells. “When she got there, the car was gone and there was no sign of the Tibbleys anywhere. I’m thinking something bad happened, and Missus Tibbley decided to skip town and Mister Tibbley here didn’t like that very much, so things turned sour. No idea who the other guy is though...”
     “What other guy?” says Peyton.
     “The one under the big guy. There’s two bodies,” says Wells.
Peyton steps forward, and peers into the hole. It was hard to make out under the huge, charred body, but if he stood just right, he could see a pair of shoes sticking out.
     “Jeez...” he mutters, shaking his head. Both men are distracted by the sound of doors being slammed back down near the trail.
     “Must be forensics,” says Wells. “That was quicker than I thought... I’ll talk to them, you corpse-sit.”
     “Hey, wait,” says Peyton, calling to Wells. “You said the lady skipped town. How do you know that? Maybe she's at a friends or something.”
     “Well, her car’s missing and the kids didn’t show up to school today,” says Wells. “She must’ve grabbed them and run.”
     “Unless they’re in this pit too,” says Peyton, frowning.
     “Depends how deep it is...” says Wells quietly.
     “Yeah,” says Peyton, having another sip of his coffee. “Ain’t that always the way...”  

Thursday 22 October 2020

Faking a Sickie - Part 1: Silver Screen Syndrome

Looks like channel NINE is on the fritz again...
I've been doing a lot of research on disease, viruses and sickness lately, to find out incubation times and transmissibility data as well as the morbidity of a great variety of infections and illnesses. My goal has been to find a collection of diseases which are not only as bad as the current plague of COVID-19, but may even be worse.
Now, I've already talked about some real diseases, but that's not what I'm talking about today, that would be much too educational - no, I've been researching fictional diseases. See, in all of our history, we've had to deal with disease, and either we've not been able to understand it, so we've had bad science; we've been intrigued by it, so we've come up with all kinds of strange fantastical versions of it, or we've been scared of it, and made up all kinds of horrifying examples of it.
So, I've deciding to have a look at all three  of these kinds of "fake diseases" that we all know and love (or, in some cases, loathe), and what they say about us, and how sick and twisted we all are.
Today, I'll be starting by looking at the latter of the three - virulent diseases we make up to scare ourselves, particularly in film & TV, in the hopes of finding some of the worst diseases that come from the minds of visual storytellers. Unfortunately, some of these stories aren't very realistic, but that's why I've been doing my research and seeing how they would realistically affect the world - and for this reason I have not included supernatural sicknesses, this means no demonic damnations; ghostly hauntings; vampire envenomings; witch's spells or zombie voodoo unless they can be explained scientifically, or science-fictionally.
I'm looking for science and not magic, because when magic is involved, it's less of a "sickness" and more of a "curse", which is not the subject of this Countdown.
Much more importantly, I've been cataloguing and grading these illnesses for how they would compare to the current illness that is sweeping the globe. this isn't a list of my favourite disease films - to be fair, I both like and dislike several of the shows I've included in this list - I'm only concerned with how dangerous they are. that said, there are a few diseases which I was intrigued by, but which I couldn't include for various reasons, so without further ado, let's get started with...
Dishonourable Mentions

i. Motaba Virus (Outbreak)
Virulence: 100%, Bloodborne (Zoonotic); 100%, Airborne
- In this film, the carrier is a capuchin monkey, it is asymptomatic, but virulent. Later, we encounter a mutated form that is airborne.
Incubation: ~4 Hours
Infection: ~1 Day
- We see people last for several hours after contact with the infected subject (monkey) without any symptoms, but within a day they start experiencing symptoms and start dying.
Symptoms: Flu-like Symptoms; Rashes & Lesions; Vomiting; Diarrhea; Haemorrhagic Fever & Organ Failure
- If there is a part to this movie that is most realistic, it is this. The symptoms of Motaba virus were inspired by Ebola virus, specifically haemorrhagic fever, vomiting and diarrhea. it's a horrendous disease, and a terrible way to die, and that's what inspired this film to be made.
Lethality: 100%
- This is ironically what is meant to make this movie seem incredibly scary, but in reality it's what makes it less so. Allow me to explain...
+
This film is pretty good, considering when it was made. It was co-written by Laurence Dworet, who used to be a medical doctor prior to becoming a screenwriter. I can see why he turned to writing however, as he doesn't seem to understand how viruses work. Yes, the film is rather creepy and it's well-made from a narrative standpoint, as it builds up in the right places and does a good job at presenting the virus as a villain... but this virus doesn't make any sense.
I can see why it sounds scary at first glance. 100% virulence, and 100% lethality. Ooh, scary... but, the reality is that when a virus is that deadly, it ironically becomes less harmful.
When viruses are spread through a human vector, they need us to survive, because the only way they can live and spread is through coughing, breath, fluid exchange, touch & you can't do any of that when you're dead. Think of a virus like a miner - it wants to spread through fertile ground to dig up minerals, but if a miner digs too much or too haphazardly, they will collapse the mine. Motaba is like a miner whose only tool is dynamite, all it does is collapse mines.
Later in the film, the virus becomes airborne, and that's definitely more worrisome, but it only occurs after the virus has somehow, magically spread across the world, despite starting in Africa which doesn't make any sense. Whilst this film has the virus spread, in reality it would simply kill everyone it infected too quickly for it to spread, and by the time it mutated it would only have dead bodies to feed on. For that reason, it only makes the dishonourable mentions.

ii. MZD Virus (Zombieland)
Virulence: ~10%, Foodborne (Zoonotic); 100%, Bloodborne
- This was originally spread by an infected burger, and so it is believed that this is a prion disease or something similar, much like Mad Cow Disease. The initial "foodborne" virulence is so low, based entirely on the fact that this disease was first spread by "a man who ate an infected burger" - as fast food restaurants tend to make several burgers out of one lot of beef, it is presumed that more than one burger was infected, but only one man became sick as a result.
Incubation: ~2 Hours
Infection: Incurable
- According to some of the narration, this is initially foodborne, and it took approximately one day to affect patient zero after consuming an infected burger, but every following infection happens within an hour or so after being bitten by an infected subject, as shown on-screen.
Symptoms: Encephalitis; High Blood Pressure; Cyanosis; Delirium; Brain Trauma & Pathological Hunger
- The encephalitis, and neurological conditions are based on the actions of the infected. Cyanosis is a discoloration of the blood and skin, often caused to poor oxygenation of the blood, and I added high blood pressure due to the prevalence of blood splatter in this film.
Lethality: ~100%*
- There is good reason to believe this virus kills very quickly. However, there is more to consider.
+
This is an odd potato, because although this film is called 'Zombieland', and the film expressly calls them zombies, and even the virus is called MZD - Mad Zombie Disease; it's not immediately clear that these creatures are zombies.
Based on the name alone, it's reasonable to assume that MZD is a mutation of Variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease which is a prion disease caught by eating infected beef that results in psychiatric problems, behavioural changes, pain, dementia and death. A prion is a misfolded protein mutation which spreads its malformation onto similar proteins, causing its malfunction to spread. This can take years to completely spread through a host's brain and lead to death.
Whilst the science here is interesting, prion diseases spread thoroughly throughout your body's proteins slowly but surely, which is why it tends to affect not just behaviour, but also balance, emotions, motor control, speech & vision - it is a slow and dreadful affliction.
As well, I noticed at the beginning of the film, it is stated that the zombies have taken over "The United States of Zombieland" for two months...
See, there's a simple reason why I don't include zombies on this list - and it is because the science doesn't make any sense. We think that zombies are braindead, but you require a brain to walk, run, see, growl and bite things in any way to produce an effect. Although zombies can't still sing and dance, they need a brain to do the animalistic things they do. Not to mention, zombies are able to wander around for weeks, months and even years without adequate food, which means they're breaking the first laws of thermodynamics - you need energy to put anything into motion. After three weeks without food, any human being would die. And you may say "what about them eating people?" well, we know they don't consume them fully, because if they did there wouldn't be many zombies. Plus, raw meat takes a lot of energy to consume, and that's assuming that zombies even digest it at all, because I've never seen a zombie poop... my point is, zombie apocalypses don't make sense, and that's why MZD doesn't make it onto my list.

iii. Trans-Network Ghost Virus (Pulse)
Virulence: 100%, Cybermemetic; 75%, Electromagnetic
- Yeah, you read that right. This one spreads over computer networks and radio signals. I really wish this one could have been included, since it's such a fascinating concept, but as I explain below, there are extenuating circumstances.
Incubation: ~5 Days
Infection: ~2 Days
- Once exposed to the infectious meme, the victim begins to experience symptoms within a week. Then, after the first attack, the target dies in as little as a day.
Symptoms:
Paranoia; Delirium; Dysphoria; Suicidality; Bruising; Necrosis & Multiple Organ Failure
- Once exposed to the meme, the subject experiences heightened paranoia and delusion until they suffer a phantom episode. Following this, the subject loses the will to live, and becomes suicidal. If this persists, the subjects body will begin to breakdown, resulting in bruising all over, until their whole body disintegrates.
Lethality:
100%
- Yeah, this is where I have to start admitting the truth. I watched this film, and in the first half, I was excited that a lot of what was happening onscreen could be explained by a strange virus that could transfer from human to computer. But, the way that these humans die is that they are walking and talking, and then when they decide they want to die, their body disintegrates into ash. Yeah, even I can't explain that one scientifically. So, how is all this possible? Well...
+
All cards on the table, the way this virus works is that it downloads a ghost from the internet, and that ghost attacks you by absorbing your life energy, literally taking all of the joy and energy out of your life. I freely admit that this is a cool movie. I mean, I've seen all kinds of apocalyptic movies: dragon apocalypses; machine apocalypses; monster apocalypses; vampire apocalypses & zombie apocalypses - but never before have I seen a ghost apocalypse. This was interesting to watch, but the idea of ghosts (let alone an afterlife that is compatible with computer networks) is an entirely magical concept, there's nothing scientific about it.
But, it's not entirely mad - it's surprising the things you can do with light, anything from optical illusions and lightbox therapy all the way to causing seizures - it would be interesting to see if there was a scientifically viable way to create a harmful internet meme... if you're a writer, I wholeheartedly offer that to you as a challenge. However, for the sake of this list, because ghosts don't exist it only gets an honourable mention.

iv. Flesh-Eating Bacteria (Cabin Fever)
Virulence: 100%, Bloodborne (Zoonotic); 100%, Waterborne
- This virus is first noticed in animals, in particular dogs and pigs, but when an infected man falls into the local drinking water, many more people become infected from drinking the water.
Incubation: ~12 Hours
Infection: ~1 Day (+Post Mortem)
- In the film it is shown that a little over 6 hours after exposure to infected blood, and 1 day after consuming infected water, the targets begin to show symptoms. It's also known that the disease survives after death, as the infected corpse is what leads to the waterborne infections.
Symptoms:
Rashes; Rapid-Onset Necrosis; Internal Haemorrhaging & Multiple Organ Failure
- The initial symptoms appear to be rashes and necrosis, as the virus digests the victim's flesh, then it gets deeper into the victim's organs, causing massive haemorrhaging, and inevitably organ failure. Interestingly (to me anyway) based on one scene where a woman butchers a hog before finding infected blood on its organs, it appears that pigs suffer from internal haemorrhaging first. So, it could be the case that this disease infects your organs first, but slowly, without a great deal of pain or it could be the case that it affects humans differently.
Lethality: ~100%
- Technically, although three pigs, two dogs, a man in his forties and four twenty-year olds all contract this virus and all of them die, the three pigs are slaughtered and all but one of the human characters are all murdered, and the last of them dies from a dog attack. So, technically, only one of these outright dies from the symptoms of this disease - patient zero, the dog. Based on their symptoms, it appears that all of the victims (except maybe two?) are dying from their symptoms at their time of death. So, I'm making an educated guess as to the disease's true lethality.
+
Is anyone else bothered by the fact that the titular "cabin fever" does not present with fever-like symptoms? Well, I am, for two very important reasons. Firstly, I don't like it when a movie's title is inaccurate but, more importantly, the reason this bothers me is also the reason why I didn't include this on the main list is because based on my research... this isn't fictional.
Necrotizing Fasciitis is a disease that occurs when bacteria infects a subject, causing bruising, rashes, peeling of the skin and other symptoms like vomiting, organ failure and fever. Sure, it doesn't always result in fever, but what's important is that viruses don't usually spread easily from host to host - viruses need to have a particular shape or protein in order for your body to accept it into its cells, but bacteria can affect all kinds of animals, including dogs & pigs.
So, I'm left to conclude that whilst dramatized quite considerably (it is possible for skin to peel off without first turning black, especially in cases of Toxic Shock Syndrome, but it's less common), this is otherwise realistic. Because this one isn't fictional enough, it doesn't make the list.

These are the TOP 5 Fictional Diseases worse than COVID-19

5. Blue Virus, "Captain Trips" (The Stand)
Virulence: ~99%, Bloodborne; ~99%, Airborne
- Like so very many more of the other diseases I researched for this project, this disease is a bioweapon engineered by the American military.
Incubation: ~6 Hours
Infection: ~4 Days
- This film begins on June 13th, late in the day, and the first on-screen death is shown to occur on June 17th. And, according to the CDC, the entire world is infected and billions die in as little as two weeks.
Symptoms: Cough; Fever; Skin Discolouration; Lesions; Delirium & Rapid Onset Asphyxiation
- Initial symptoms are identical to flu - which is why this disease is occasionally called Superflu [I don't know how the virus gets the name Captain Trips, as it wasn't explained in the miniseries, but I am left to assume it's because of the delirium it causes]. As it continues to develop, the fever worsens and the patient develops severe pustules and lesions on their skin, worsening pain and delirium. I also read online that common symptoms include "swelling", "sneezing" and "crippling pain", but none of those were evident in the show (unless I missed a sneeze), so I left them off my list.
Lethality: ~99.4%
- This number is so exact because this miniseries gives me some great data regarding this virus. In as little as two weeks, billions of people on Earth are dead, as the virus has spread globally within a week.
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I watched the 1994 miniseries, and honestly it's a little confusing. The opening scene heavily implies that several corpses of scientists had died almost instantly. However, everyone else in this film that gets sick dies after a few days. So, were they afflicted with a fast-acting strain? Did the initial virus mutate to kill slower? Were they poisoned to keep this secret? ...or, did the director think the scene was cool, and not bother to explain it?
Either way, this virus kills by asphyxiation, in fact it's disturbingly similar to coronavirus in that sense. But what makes it worse is firstly that it is said to have "99% permeability" - I'm lead to believe that relates to particle size, which means that facemasks would be useless, and it may also explain why it spreads as far as it does. The main reason why this is so low on this list is because it is clearly shown in the miniseries that the government hides any and all evidence of the virus, and this severely hinders any possibility of a global health response, which is why it decimates the world population. Although I can be quite cynical, especially regarding the American military, I find it impossible that every single authority - including the CDC might I add - would keep a deadly and rapidly-spreading superflu a secret. I know this is a horror story, but that is just dumb.

4. Extraterrestrial Bacterium (The Andromeda Strain)
Virulence: 100%, Airborne
- The initial source was a small satellite, yet once the bacteria get into the air it manages to kill an entire small town.
Incubation: Instant
Infection: ~1 Minutes +Post Mortem
- According to the film, this bacterium is highly efficient - even compared to a "nuclear reactor" - so I'm lead to believe there's no incubation, as the bacterium attacks the atomic structure directly to feed on energy. As this atacks on an atomic level, not a cellular level, there's no chance for the immune system to respond. I'm also lead to presume that those infected die very suddenly, as victims appear to die in the middle of everyday activities.
Symptoms: Mass Thrombosis, Pain, Delirium & Sudden Death
- This bacterium kills anyone and everyone it comes into contact with by clotting their blood so severely, that it essentially turns your blood into a powder.
Lethality: 99+%; 0%
- The only people who survived infection were those with alkalosis - blood with unusually high pH levels, leading to alkaline in the blood - as this kills the bacterium. According to my research, less than one percent of the population suffers from alkalosis every year, which is why the lethality is so high. When this bacterium cannot find organic matter, it mutates and begins to decompose plastic.
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Based on my complaints regarding Motaba Virus, it may seem odd that I am putting a disease which kills you in as little as a minute. However, there are two major factors which make this infection much more dangerous and capable of spreading, and therefore worse than coronavirus. Firstly, this is airborne - and based on the film, it is capable of spreading several kilometres through the air, which means any breathing creature within the radius of initial infection is at risk of immediate death. Secondly, this bacterium is shown to not only spread through any and all organic matter, but when it cannot find any organic matter to consume, it mutates to consume inorganic matter. It also absorbs any form of energy and uses it to create more of itself. the only way to stop it is with alkaline, but according to my research the leading cause of alkalosis is hyperventilation, and the leading cause of hyperventilation is chronic anxiety... which means that most survivors would probably be stressed out of their minds.

3. Trixie Virus (The Crazies)
Virulence: ~50%, Waterborne; ~95%, Airborne; ~50*, Bloodborne
- In the 2010 film, this is a rhabdovirus that is first spread through water and, based on the quarantine we see, almost half of the townsfolk are fine. But, when we return to ground zero, almost everyone is infected and we're told the virus has mutated and is now airborne.
*This is the most circumstantial data that I have, as there's very little data of the virus spreading via blood. However, the risk must be rather high, based on the actions of the military in this film.
Incubation: ~1 Days
Infection: ~3 Days (+Post Mortem)
- For those infected, they are asymptomatic for a day, give or take 12 hours, but we are told, and I quote "in three days, either you're dead or you don't have it".
Symptoms: Fever; High Blood Pressure; Aggression; Cerebral Haemorrhage & Delirium
- Most of these symptoms, I included based on the actions and characteristics of the infected subjects (except "fever", as that's based on dialogue. We're expressly told that the infected suffer from fever, as that's how the military tests subjects). However, I added cerebral haemorrhage based on some information I got from the special features on the DVD. I hope that doesn't count as cheating, but I figure it simply helps to explain the aggression and delirium, and may be the cause of death.
Lethality: ~95%
- Based entirely on the "you're dead or you don't have it" quote, it is hard to tell whether people who live have survived the virus (and are therefore immune) or if the statement is claiming that you were never sick in the first place. I am lead to believe that this virus is very deadly, so I am leaning towards the latter, but I can't be sure as the dialogue is ambiguous.
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Why is this worse than coronavirus? Two reasons. Firstly, because this has three vectors of infection. You read that right, this is waterborne initially, mutates to become airborne and (based on the fact that the military burns all bodies), it is certainly also bloodborne. Unlike other diseases mentioned above, the bloodborne vector isn't as worrisome as it doesn't cause the subjects to bleed, but it's serious enough that the military is taking zero risks - and an airborne virus is always risky. The second reason is simple, it messes with your head. It doesn't just kill you outright, it turns you paranoid and aggressive; or it makes you act numb and suicidal or, in some cases, it turns you psychopathic. Not only is it disturbing to lose yourself, but as this film makes very clear, it puts everyone around you at severe risk, especially when weapons, tools and heavy machinery get involved.

2. Rage Virus (28 Days Later)
Virulence: ~100%, Bloodborne (zoonotic)
- This virus was based on a genetically-altered ebola virus, and was a failed attempt to design a treatment for chronic aggression.
Incubation: ~20 Seconds
Infection: ~30 Days (+Post Mortem)
- As we see in the film, after a drop of blood comes into contact with one victim's eye, he becomes symptomatic with alarming speed. Also, there is information which implies that the sufferers stay alive until they starve to death in thirty days, hence the timeline for infection.
Symptoms: Chronic Aggression; Delirium; Inhibited Brain Function; High Blood Pressure; Vomiting blood & Internal Haemorrhaging
- I added High Blood pressure because of the blood splatter in Zombieland, but for this film it's actually a known symptom - the aggression severely raises blood pressure of the victims. Also, on more than one occasion the victims are seen spewing blood, which helps to spread the virus.
Lethality: ~0%
- This virus doesn't kill its victims, and although quality of life takes a sharp decline, if anything the Rage Virus appears to make its victims more resilient.
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This is an interesting one. I've included it in this list because, although most people see it as a "zombie film", there are no undead monsters in this film. There is some information which leads me to believe that the monsters portrayed in the sequel 28 Weeks Later are dead, but even so, that film had a different writer/director pair, so I'm focusing on this film's canon separately - and in this film the patients live. That's what makes this so much scarier than coronavirus. You don't die but instead become a mindless killer, spreading disease, and (based on the amount of haemorrhaging, bleeding and screaming we see from the infected), in constant pain.
This is also part of the reason why I didn't include zombie viruses and the like - this whole list would just be zombie viruses or vampire bites, since you can't stop an infection that keeps its human vectors spreading disease after they die or grants its sufferers superhuman abilities. But, having your brain damaged so severely that you lose the ability to reason sounds much scarier than death.

1. The Chesapeake Bug (The Bay)
Virulence: ~100%, Waterborne
- This bug is a naturally occuring isopod which mutates due to the highly contaminated water in the Chesapeake Bay area (hence the name). It appears to infect anyone who consumes the water, or who swim in the water.
Incubation: ~2 Hours
Infection: ~9 Hours
- The first victims appear in the middle of a Fourth of July celebration, happening in the middle of the day, and the first confirmed deaths happen later that afternoon and continue on into the night.
Symptoms: Vomiting; Blistering; Lesions; Joint Pain & Internal Haemorrhaging
- The most disturbing part about all of these symptoms is that they're not viral or bacterial. The reason this gets so high on the list is because it's parasitic. The blistering and lesions are caused by the larvae of a parasite burrowing into the skin of victims. The initial vomiting is caused by parasites burrowing out of their stomach, for those who consume the parasite. Then the joint pain and internal haemorrhaging are just caused by the parasites burrowing through their internal organs. One factor which I wasn't sure how to describe is that these creatures have a particular taste for the victim's tongue - often eating it down to nothing.
Lethality: 100%
- Once you consume the water which contains the eggs or larvae of this creature, you're no longer a person, but a feedbag for these creatures to consume until they reach maturity. Once they grow to their full size, approximately 2-inches long, six-legged bugs, they will eat their fill, then leave and seek out ocean water (at least, that's how the bugs in the film act).
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The grossest part about this bug is that it's not entirely fictional. The timeframe, and the taste for human flesh, is fiction, and this is based on a fictional mutation of a real creature - but this isopod is Cymothoa Exigua - this mutation which I choose to call "cymothoa e. claridgi" is based on a bug more commonly known as a "tongue-eating louse". Their larvae travel into the gills of fish, and as they mature the louse will consume and replace the tongue of the fish, so it can feed on the blood of the wound as well as food matter in its mouth. Obviously, the scriptwriter for this film saw that horrorshow and exaggerated it for the sake of the movie, but it's horrifically real. The reason why this is the top of the list? Because the louse matures and runs off to join its fellow lice in the water - the ocean water. Whilst the initial bugs are mutated due to the waste, chicken crap & radioactive material in the water, the bugs themself feed on meat. There's nothing stopping them from spreading oceanwide, especially once one of them finds a whale to feed on.


As you can see, there are some things worse than this current plague... all you need is to use your imagination. Although some of these are based on real ideas, real diseases - of course, that begs the question of what kind of things we dream up when we're less horrified, and more intrigued; sliding further down the scale from applicability to allegory - it makes me wonder just how sick we all are.
Until Next Time, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd - and I'll be looking for some more fictional diseases which are a lot less visceral, and a lot more cerebral...

Wednesday 21 October 2020

Phobia File: Loneliness

Of my favourite Illustrations, this is easily Top TEN - I actually drew this by hand, then inverted it.
I wouldn't call myself introverted, but I wouldn't call myself extroverted either. Just like gender expression, morality, neurotype, personality & sexuality, rather than a simple binary, it turns out that our socio-emotional identity is also on a spectrum. I am an ambivert - I like spending time around other people, I thrive in that environment, but I also occasionally need time to myself, isolated from others - I use time alone to write, to orient and understand my ideas in such a way that I can construct a narrative. I enjoy being alone, and I very often need to be alone...
That being said, eventually I will crave social interaction again, and without it I will start to feel truly alone in the world.
The Word of the Day is: 'MONOPHOBIA'
Monophobia /mənə'fōbeeə/ n. Irrational fear of loneliness, or of being alone.
My memories of those days are patchy at best, but I remember a time between high school, and when I first went to university, where I had a month or so of sitting around at home, with little to do. The first time I noticed this fear of mine was when I was reading a book. I can't remember the book exactly, it was one in a series of high fantasy books and although I know the author I don't want to name them since the book was quite bland. In fact, that blandness was part of the issue, because as I was reading, my mind was wandering.
I was sitting in my reclining chair, reading, and the scene was dull, just two characters talking. But as I read, I started to realize that I was reading a book. Usually when I read, the world around me becomes foggy, and I become more engaged in the world of the story. But this time, I became aware that I was reading a book. As I kept reading, I felt bored, and I realized that everything I was reading was not only fiction, but a dull fiction - and I wasn't even half-way through the book yet.
That's when I got this sudden sinking feeling of being trapped in my own mind. I was reading, and watching characters in my mind's eye, but the characters weren't real - they just existed in my head, and I began to panic as I felt like everything I was doing was meaningless, and I felt like I had been trapped in a meaningless fiction.
I suddenly jumped up, threw the book on the ground and banged my fists on my door, trying to get out of my room. My mother heard and came to ask what I was doing, and I grabbed her in a calming hug. At the time I thought I must have lost my temper or had some kind of boredom overdose... but in retrospect I recognize that what I had experienced was a panic attack.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the only time. See, it was around this time that I was first diagnosed with depression. Unfortunately, I don't think I have depression - I suffer from chronic anxiety, and I believe that I was misdiagnosed originally as a result of lowered mood, resulting from stress. But that aside, I had come to realize that whatever was going on in my head wasn't right, and I had decided to tell my parents that I wanted to see a doctor. But, I was nervous, as it was all in my head, so it felt like bringing this up to someone else would come right out of nowhere. They weren't experiencing what I was, so how could they understand?
So, I joined my folks when we went shopping one day on their motorcycles. It was a long drive, about 30 minutes away, so I put on my gear and got on the bike.
But, as I rode pillion, watching the world go past, I felt that feeling again. But this time, I wasn't trapped in a book - I felt like I was trapped in my helmet. Even though, as a function of holding on for safety, my arms were around my father who was driving the motorbike, I still felt alone... because I was suffering from something that I didn't think people around me understood, and I also felt like I couldn't express how I felt and who I was to anyone else.
I did ask for help that day, but I will never forget that feeling of being alone around other people; feeling alone even with my own family. Feeling like the only person in the world...

But the most pertinent example that comes to my mind was actually a few years later, not long before finally being diagnosed with chronic anxiety. See, I like going for walks. Not only is it great to help work out story ideas, but going for a walk in the sunshine can release endorphins, improve circulation and in general by exercising your body it can also exercise your mind, so I walk for my mental health moreso than my physical health.
But on this day, I remember specifically that I went for a walk because I was feeling down, and I didn't want to just sit around at home. So, I went for a walk in a loop around several blocks of my neighbourhood. But there was this moment, it's rather odd to describe, but as I was walking I had the distinct feeling that I was walking on the edge of the world...
The road was flat, there weren't any hills in the area and I was walking along the gutter, but I felt like I was a stone's throw away from the sky, and the whole world felt like it could fall out from under me. Even though I was walking down a quiet suburban street, I felt like I was the furthest away from anyone that I'd ever been. Once again, I felt like I was truly on my own.

So, why do I fear being alone? Well, the answer to that is simple biology and psychology. Humans are social animals, we thrive as a collective whether that be a herd, a tribe or a society. When we are alone, we're more prone to predators, starvation and harm. So, we've evolved such that being around others gives us good feelings and our empathy means that helping others makes us feel helped as well. As a result, we also feel bad when we're alone. Even the most introverted amongst us still need to socialize, even though it's much less than some others.

It is for this reason that loneliness is a common ailment among humankind. Thankfully, for most this does not result in an irrational fear, but during these times of plague, it is undeniable that people are lonelier than ever. Most, if not all people need to socialize, to have that human connection, and I can see how in these times of social distancing, that's become much harder for every single one of us...
Even though we can still contact each other online, whether that be via Skype, Zoom, FaceTime or some other video or text chat, it's still not the same thing and doesn't give that much-needed human connection. Literally, according to one study comparing face-to-face conversations against telephone conversation, when we're separated from someone physically we feel as though the other person empathizes with us less because we aren't able to perceive all of the interactive affiliative behaviours. This means that when we're talking to someone via the phone or over social media, we're less able to detect important social cues, i.e. facial expression, gesture mirroring & listening motions (as well as obvious things like spatial cohabitation and physical touch). Without these, conversations and interactions tend to feel stilted and less satisfying.

Where I live, the political soundbite is "Staying Apart Keeps Us Together". I know what they intend to mean - that social distancing keeps us healthier, and therefore more cohesive - but as it is written not only does that sound like Orwellian Doublespeak, it's also just not true. Staying apart keeps us isolated, that's the whole idea, but as a result it's making this a stressful time, even for those who are entirely healthy.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I'm afraid I don't have a solution for this. We have to isolate, we have to socially distance and we have to stay safe. I manage my own fears with self-care, but if you feel like you're alone in the world, at the very least remember... we're all alone, together.

Tuesday 20 October 2020

The Poo Taboo

Do you realize that there is no casual word for shit?
That's the word I prefer to use for it, but people find that vulgar or rude, since it's a "swear word". The same is true of turd and crap, those are also swear words, although they're considered less rude than shit (perhaps because they lack those plosive fricatives), but some people might still scold you for it, it is a "rude" word after all.
But what isn't rude? Should I actually call it poo? I don't like that word because it sounds so childish - poo, poop and poo-poo, or even doo-doo, doodie or, as some Americans say, caca - it's informal to the point of infantile babble.
Of course, some people might refer to it as "a loaf", or "a dump" or even "a nugget", but these are all genteelisms, they refer to it without stating it explicitly, and you have to know what it is before you know what these things are - it's the same way people call the act itself "visiting the restroom" or "going to the bathroom", you know what it is based on context, but that's not casual, since it's steeped in shame and embarrassment - much more than simply saying you're going to "have a shit", but then we get back to the vulgarity issue again...
So, what about the proper word for it? StoolFeces? Excrement? Bowel movements? Well, these are too formal, it's so clinical that it becomes another kind of genteelism. After all, the word feces doesn't actually mean "shit", it means "dregs" or "sediment". Excrement as well simply means "anything excreted", which is also true of toothpaste, and even if you're only talking about bodily excrement, it also includes sweat and piss, but I'm not trying to talk about all those bodily fluids, I'm trying to talk about shit.

I was intrigued a while ago when I found a word that is similar to what I'm looking for - scat. It's not overly formal, but it's not so informal that it's vulgar... it's a casual word, you could say it to the king or a kid and no one would be confused or offended. The problem is, scat only refers to wild animal droppings (there's another genteelism for you). The same is true of "dung" or "manure". So, why is shit, specifically human shit even, so difficult to talk about? That's what I'd like to talk about today. The Word of the Day is: 'SHIT'

Shit n. Slang: Vulgar /shit/ 1. Excrement; Feces: Ugh, I stepped in dog shit. 2. An act of defecating; evacuation: He's taking a shit. 3. The Shits. Diarrhea. 4. Possessions, equipment, mementos, etc.; stuff: I put my ex's shit in a box and left it on my front porch. 5. Pretense, lies, exaggeration, or nonsense: I don't want to hear your shit right now. 6. Something inferior or worthless: Her boyfriend treats her like shit, but she won't leave him. 7. Abusive treatment, unpleasant consequences, or general misfortune: I'm not going to take your shit anymore! 8. A selfish, mean, or otherwise contemptible person: You dumb little shit! 9. Narcotic drugs, especially heroin or marijuana: My guy only sells the purest shit. 10. Anything at all; the least thing (usually in the negative): You don't know shit about me. ♦v.i. 11. To defecate. ♦v.t. 12. To exaggerate or lie to: Are you shitting me?
Nobody really likes talking about shit. Y'know, I started thinking about this when I was watching a social commentator in a recent online seminar. I won't mention names, but during the Q& A they were asked about taboos, so they said "I have no shame, I talk about every taboo - politics, religion, drugs, sex and death", and my first thought to that was "what about shit?"
And that thought didn't come from nowhere - a long time ago I saw a fascinating video by Hank Green on the SciShow talking about the Taboos of Science; in that video, he discussed scientific taboos - such as cloning, ethnicity, spirituality & toilets - and the risks such taboos bring to scientific funding, research, education and, ultimately, knowledge. So, this made me think of the poo taboo.
Now, this seminar was quite casual, the speaker was very open and honest, but it was also being filmed, so they couldn't swear. but, they also couldn't just say 'I talk about all the taboos: religion, politics and poo" since that sounds... off, doesn't it? That's what sent me down this rabbit-hole in the first place. We don't like talking about shit. Or poo, or crap, or feces.
There's a couple of reasons for it, I'm not stupid I do "get" why it bothers people. Heck, I had this idea a month ago, but when I first considered doing this during my Countdown, I thought "ugh, I don't want to do the poo post for my Countdown" - but then I realized, that was because of my own taboo. I think this is important to talk about, but even I feel embarrassed having to talk about shit. We all are, I mean, shit itself often smells bad, and it often has a lot of bacteria on it so it can make other people sick; it often attracts flies, which can be a sign of rot and decay so there's that association, people often think shit is disgusting. But, if that were all, then it wouldn't explain how we can be so casual about manure and dung... no, I think it's much simpler than that. I think the reason there's no "casual" word for human shit, the reason why we don't feel casual about it is because shitting is a vulnerable thing. It's something we have to do, we can't just "not do it" (at least, we can't hold it in for very long), and when we do take a shit, we are vulnerable, we're often stuck in a small room, with parts of our body naked and exposed, and we're stuck there, sitting or crouched over, for about a minute on average.

Now, I'm not just in a mood for scatological humour, I didn't write this just so I had an excuse to write "shit" several times. See, this matters because this year I'm talking about "sickness", and the biggest danger this taboo has is, specifically, sickness and disease.
Did you know that only half of the world's population has access to a toilet? Most people reading this have a toilet - some of you may even be on your phone, reading this while sitting on the toilet - but several billion people don't have that luxury. But, we all have to shit, someone once wrote a very informative book on the topic, so some of these people are forced into practicing "open defecation", which means they have to take a shit outside (unless they dig some kind of pit latrine). This isn't just a problem because it can smell, but it's dangerous since this puts people at much higher risk of contaminating groundwater and/or the soil. Not to mention the danger it puts people in from insects, animals and other people - women are especially at risk of being attacked or molested when someone follows them as they try to find a secluded spot to take a quiet shit.
And that's not even getting into the fact that people want privacy and dignity when they're shitting - but I'm here to talk about the health issues. There's a reason why Western countries don't have huge issues with dysentery, ebola, hepatitis, intestinal worm infections, typhoid fever and schistosomiasis, and it's not because we're smarter, and it's certainly not because of iPhones and cars - it's because we have flushable toilets which send our shit away to be processed and safely disposed of.

But the problems of the poo taboo aren't all in the third world - which cancers do you think are the most deadly? Which cancers do you think kill the most people, and which cancers have the worst survivability rate?
If you said breast cancer, or brain cancer, I don't blame you, those cancers are well-known and they get a lot of headlines, there are a lot of charities and non-profit organizations for those. But, according to the World Health Organization, the cancers that have killed the most people are lung cancer, followed by colorectal cancer & then stomach cancer. Now, we don't hear about those as much - for lung cancer, it's because we blame the victim "it's their fault for smoking" (even though smoking isn't the only cause of lung cancer) - but, I'm talking about shit, so setting lung cancer aside, if colorectal cancer is the second-deadliest cancer, why do so few people know that?
On August 28th of this year (just two months ago), Chadwick Boseman died after years suffering from his own colorectal cancer, and in the days following, several of his co-workers and colleagues revealed that they had no idea - he'd kept it all a secret, despite the pain and chemotherapy. This was partly because he believed he'd get better (his condition worsened quickly and drastically in the week prior to his death), but several people have said that it was to maintain his "pride and dignity". Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I can't help but wonder if he'd have been so reticent to tell people about his diagnosis if he'd had bone cancer.

And then there is colonic irrigation. There are people who believe that "toxins" build up in your lower bowels and needs to be "cleansed". Not only is toxin a buzzword used by quacks in a lot of alternative medicines, but your bowels have a garden of bacteria and microflora that help to digest and clean your intestines, and the skin inside of your bowels is often quite sensitive (since it can continue to digest and collect nutrients, meaning it can be very thin and porous). So, when people flush it with water, or saline or coffee or whatever other liquids they want to squirt up your arsehole, you can cause damage to your bowels. People think your colon is dirty and unhealthy, but in reality colon cleansing is unhealthy, and can cause electrolyte imbalance, infection, heart-attack and in extreme cases, people have been left with damage to the bowel such that they have an enema dependency - which means they lose the ability to shit without medical assistance... You don't need to clean the shit out of your colon - it does that naturally, that's its whole job, and if you mess with it you can cause serious damage to yourself.
There is only one disease I've heard that causes "toxins" in the bowels, auto-brewery syndrome where carbs in your digestive tract are broken down by bacteria, fungus or yeast and ferment into alcohol. But the treatment isn't sticking a hose up your arse (because, like I've explained, that's very dangerous); instead, ABS is treated with palliative care for alcohol intoxication where necessary, and treatment with antibiotics/antifungals and diet therapy to reduce carbohydrates in the gut.

People act stupid when it comes to shit and shitting, especially where health is concerned since that just magnifies the whole vulnerability aspect. The worst part about all this is that I'm not really sure how to fix it. Shit is still gross, and people still feel uncomfortable about it to the point of being unable to talk about it - but some other, smarter people have some solutions...
For sanitation and toiletry issues, the United Nations created World Toilet Day - it's November 19, mark it on your calendar! - a day for action and education regarding issues of open defecation and lack of sustainable sanitation around the world.
For Colorectal Cancer, March is National Colon Cancer Awareness Month, and I think we should all stay aware. Chadwick Boseman was only one of many great people who were diagnosed with and/or died from this particular cancer:
Audrey Hepburn, the world famous actress; Charles M. Schulz, the creator and artist of Peanuts; Eartha Kitt, the singer, actress and activist; the Queen Mother, royalty and spouse of King George VI; Neville Chamberlain, prime minister of the U.K.; Ronald Reagan, the 40th U.S. president & countless other friends, family and loved ones, who had no celebrity, but were nonetheless cherished and mourned have suffered from or died from this disease.
And as for ignorance and quackery that takes advantage of our own shame and vulnerability to peddle useless or dangerous medicines and devices to cure your arse or be shoved up your rectum... let's treat such pseudoscience like the shit it is, and dispose of it - it does nothing but harm.

I'm the Absurd Word nerd, and until next time, I hope we can all be less ashamed or vulnerable of the shit we do every day. It's natural, it's human, it's healthy and although it can smell, if you treat it like an unmentionable taboo, that's when it really hits the fan... now if you excuse me, I'm gonna go have a shit.