Friday 2 May 2014

The Blue Silence

<< < Chapter Seven > >>
With a mechanical grinding sound, the Duke's timeship vworped into existence, in the middle of a concrete room, with blue-tinged light peeking through the windows. The timeship looked like a silver, rectangular box, with a simple, steel frame braced around it, sitting on a two-inch thick, metal base with spindle wheels connected to the doors. After a few moments, there was a little ding, and the Lift doors opened. Anise stepped out, and squealed as she took a step onto a floor that was lower than she had expected. Her bare feet slapped against the cold concrete.
  "There's a step!" she called back. The Duke and Edison followed her, each taking care where they put their feet.
  "Are you alright?" asked the Duke.
  "Yeah, but the floor's a bit cold," she said, wiggling her toes. "Where are we?"
Edison wandered around the ship, admiring its new facade, then looked around the room.
  "We're at the construction site, on Bishopsgate," said Edison. He grabbed his radio. "Control? This is Edison. Come in, control."
  "Whatever do you think you're doing?" asked the Duke, raising an eyebrow.
  "Radioing in," said Edison, he clicked the radio on again, "This is Edison, please respond."
  "Then desist," said the Duke, "I don't want people coming here to discover my timeship."
  "Duke, technically I'm still on duty,” said Edison, adjusting his cap to make his point. “If you don't want to arouse suspicion, then you should worry less about your camouflaged spaceship and more about the policeman that vanished while on duty. Otherwise, we might start up a panic."
The Duke held up one open palm, conceding and Edison continued.
  “Control, this is Inspector Chester Franklin Edison, do you read?”
  “This is where it all started,” said Anise, looking around. nostalgic. “So much has happened.”
  “Indeed . . .” said the Duke, looking out the window. He noticed that windows had been installed, marked with crosses, to make them easier to see. “although we've arrived later than . . . Edison, Stop!”
  “What is it?” Edison asked, freezing still.
  “We're back on Earth, but not at the time from when we originally left,” said the Duke. He held up a shaking finger in a 'give me a moment' gesture, then headed outside. Anise and Edison headed out to follow him. The Duke turned to face them as he walked, and slowly looked up. “Oh dear . . . this is much later than I anticipated.”
Edison followed the Duke's gaze and found himself staring up at a skyscraper that was almost completed.
  “Oh . . .” said Edison, “Time really has changed.”
  “We're in the future, relative to your timeline,” said the Duke. Anise carefully hobbled her way with bare feet over the dirt and stone to join them.
  “What are we all lookin' at?” asked Anise.
  “We're in the future,” said Edison.
  “Oh . . .” said Anise. “Is that why everythin's blue?”
  “What do you mean?” asked Edison. But as he looked around, it dawned on him. The sky was blue and the plastic fencing was blue, he'd taken that for granted. But the dirt, once grey and gritty, was tinged blue. The concrete was a soft blue. The dark clouds in the sky were tinged dark blue and even Anise's olive skin was tinged blue. It was as though he were seeing the world through a thin sheet of pale, blue cellophane.
The Duke looked at his hands, then inhaled deeply. He licked a finger and held it to the sky, testing the wind. Finally, he reached into his pocket, and took out his laser spanner. He held up the little tuning-fork shaped device with two fingers, and for the first time the other two could see up close just how complicated the little metal handle was, with dials, buttons and adjustable gizmos.
The Duke dropped it. The laser spanner fell half a foot, then rapidly decelerated until it stopped moving half a metre from his hand.
  “Oh my God . . .” said Anise, kneeling down to see the spanner, floating in mid-air. “How's it doin' that?”
  “It's not doing anything,” said the Duke, grabbing the spanner out of the air. “the flow of time has been disrupted. Time has slowed to a near stop.”
  “How is that possible?” asked Edison. “I mean, we're moving.”
  “That's the timeship's doing,” said the Duke. “In the same way that it affected your psychic field, by travelling through the vortex, you're imbued with Temporal Grace.”
  “So . . . what's the 'blue'?” asked Anise, “An energy . . . cloud, light thingy?”
  “No, I figure that's merely blueshift,” said the Duke. “We're moving closer to the relative speed of light, and as a result, the wavelength of the light we see has decreased.”
  “So, what could make time stop like that?” asked Anise.
  “I have no idea,” said the Duke. “We'd best investigate . . .”
The Duke lead the way out of the construction site, through the gate, and they stepped out onto the road. As they did, Anise and Edison looked on in wonder. There were cars in the street, frozen still, people walking along the sidewalk were frozen in mid-step crossing the street and there was a cluster of pigeons, caught in the air as they took to the air from the sidewalk. It was like they were walking through a washed out photograph, tinted blue.
  “This is surreal,” said Anise, following the Duke as he walked down the middle of the road.
  “No, wait, hold on,” said Edison, “This can't be right. This kind of thing can't happen!”
  “What do you mean?” asked the Duke, turning to face him.
  “I mean . . . what about him?” asked Edison, walking up to a businessman, who was frozen mid-step. “Doesn't he realize something's up? Or them?” He said, pointing at the motorists. “Or any of these people?”
  “Their minds are moving as slow as their feet, at the moment,” said the Duke. “For them, this will be over before they can blink.”
  "But that's not the point," said Edison, he joined the other two in the middle of the road, and they walked together down the blue-tinged street. "This is Earth. You, I can understand; The metal rats, sure and even the Slyph. That makes sense, it's freaky and alien, but it's all in one place at one time, it makes sense that it could be ignored or forgotten. How can something like this be possible in London, I live here, I've never seen anything like this before."
  "Anything like wha'?" asked Anise, stepping forward to talk past the Duke, who was standing between them
  "You know. Sciencey, alien . . . 'Ooh'," said Edison, wiggling his fingers beside his face.
  “What about the Leadworth Crop Circle? ” asked Anise. “Or the attack on the Shard?”
  “The what?" asked Edison, frowning. "No, those aren't the same as this, that was all just a hoax.”
  “A hoax?! Then what about Canary Wharf? Or all the weird stuff that happened on Christmas?”
  “Which Christmas?”
  “Every Christmas!” said Anise, exasperated.
  “Could you not,” said the Duke, stopping and raising both of his hands. "Edison, you know better than I what is or is not common knowledge on this world, but believe me when I tell you that the there is more extraterrestrial activity on this planet than I alone can account for. It's all been analyzed in the Lift's scanner: Alien technology, space junk and life signals; space-time rifts, temporal cracks and paradox ripples; psychical anomalies, existential beacons, fixed moments in time and more . . . you can believe you're all alone on this world, if you want, but you'll only be fooling yourself!”
  “I believe it, Duke,” said the Inspector, walking over to stand beside him. “I believe what I can see with my own eyes. I just don't understand why I've never seen it before.”
  “You've never seen your own brain, yet you seem confident it's there," said the Duke, then he spun around. "And Anise? Don't yell across me . . ."
The Duke marched off and behind his back Anise stuck her tongue out before the pair moved to catch up with him.
As they head further down the road, the Duke turns to head into a small park, nestled between two buildings. A sign at the boundary named the park St. Butolph's, it was small, just a path cutting through a blue-green lawn, with a few trees and a garden by the fence. In the middle of the park, two schoolboys had been kicking a soccer ball between them, but were now frozen, One stood with the ball floating on the side of his foot, as he'd been frozen mid-kick. The Duke quickly scanned the boy with his spanner, shook his head, then reached down and grabbed the ball with one hand. For a split second, the ball slid sideways, so the Duke grabbed it with both hands and stood up.
  “What are you doin'?” asked Anise, walking over.
  “Testing. Matter seems to retain its kinetic energy within this anomaly. When we touch something, we imbue that object with our temporal grace, allowing it to move.” The Duke let go of the ball and it fell for about a foot, then slowed to a stop. “But as soon as it leaves our time-field, it reverts to the relative flow of time.”
The Duke tapped the top of the ball with his finger, it started to fall, then stopped around his knees. He tapped it again, and it fell to the ground. Stepping to the side, he pulled his leg back and swung a heavy kick at the ball. it shot through the air for a few metres, but quickly decelerated, hovering high off the ground.
  “Wow . . .” muttered Anise.
  “But what does that mean?” asked Edison.
  “It means that we shouldn't touch anyone,” said the Duke, walking back over to his companions, careful to step around around the ball he'd just kicked. “Beyond that, I have no idea. This doesn't make sense. These people are unharmed, they're unaware of this anomaly, they're not being affected in any way. They're just . . . paused.”
  “But why?” asked Anise. “What caused it?”
  “I don't know. The good news is, it doesn't seem hostile. If an alien presence wished to invade, or kill everyone or abduct them, they would have done so by now, with zero resistance their presence would be obvious to us by now. So I am certain that whatever did cause this is not dangerous to us.”
  “But what's the bad news?” asked Edison, cynically.
  “The bad news is, if this isn't hostile . . . then I have no idea why this is happening. We'd best head back to the ship,” said the Duke. He pushed past his companions, heading back towards the construction site.
  “What? No, Duke, wait!” Anise called out. “You're just gonna leave 'em?”
The Duke stopped and turned back.
  “Of course not, my dear. I won't turn my back on your Earth, not again. But this problem is global. Your planet isn't moving, neither is your natural satellite, or star,” said the Duke, pointing up at the blue sun in the sky. “We can't walk the surface of your world and hope to run into the solution. Our best hope is returning to the ship and scanning the entire planet for rogue signals, identifying temporal anomalies, searching for alien technology and experimenting with the timestream to get it moving again. Sometimes, Anise, the best solution to a problem is not to go running into them headlong with a big gun.”

The trio returned to the Duke's ship.
  “Duke, have you considered maybe that we're the problem?” asked Edison, as they entered the near-completed first floor of the skyscraper. “I mean, we're the only ones affected. Maybe the world is fine, and we need to speed up?”
  “I've considered that, but it seems unlikely. If we were sped up, it's more likely that we'd be experiencing redshift,” said the Duke. “Of course, there is a distinct possibility that the Lift itself is causing the problem, which is thankful, since the timeship would never put us in danger.”
The Duke used the scanner to open the door of the lift with a ding, and the first thing he sees is the barrel of a familiar gun, pointed directly at his face. It was a woman in a form-fitting bodysuit and a sleek kind of motorcycle helmet, and the gun in her hand was humming, covered in blue lights.
  “Hello, Duke,” said a woman's voice, which was modulated to sound metallic and echoey, as though she was speaking into a tin can. “So good to see you again.”
  “You?” said the Duke. “You're the traveller that came to my planet. You stole the Orb.”
  “Ancient history,” said the Traveller. She pointed her gun past him, at Anise. “Now, you two, back off. If you fight back, Duke, I'll shoot them.”
  “Woah, take it easy,” said Edison. He held out one open palm and stepped forward, moving his other hand to his gun holster.
  “I said stand back!” screamed the woman, her modulator straining with the volume. She moved to point the gun at Edison, and the Duke struck. He grabbed her wrist, but she kneed him in the stomach, but Edison rushed forward. In one unnaturally fast move, the woman smacked the Duke in the head with her gun, pistol-whipped Edison in the face, cracking his nose. While he was reeling, she swiped his speedcuffs then turned to the Duke. He swung a punch, but she caught it in the cuffs, headbutted him with her helmet, then latched his other hand so they were cuffed in front of him. Spinning the Duke around, she held him as a human shield and pointed the gun at Edison slowly backing towards the Lift.
  “Are we done playing, now?” asked the traveller, sounding annoyed. Edison wiped at his nose, he yelped in pain, then moved his hand towards his gun again. Immediately, the woman aimed the gun at Anise, and pulled the trigger. The Duke screamed, but the shot pierced the air, a line of blue fire which sped towards Anise, then quickly decelerated, stopping a few inches from her neck. Edison looked horrified.
  “You won't get away with this,” he said, blood running down his chin.
  “No, Inspector. Please, stay back,” said the Duke, sounding scared. “I don't want either of you to get hurt.”
  “There's a good boy,” said the traveller. She held the Duke tighter so she could reach her other wrist with her gun hand. She unclipped the latch of a black, leather strap around her wrist, “Now . . . stay.”
She pressed a few buttons on the wrist strap, then she and the Duke disappeared in a fizzle of white electricity, teleporting away.
  “W-W-What the hell just happened?” asked Anise, slowly backing away from the blue energy that was hovering close to her neck.
  “I dunno,” said Edison, sniffing, spitting blood and wincing, “but I fucking hate time travel . . .”

The Duke and his captor appeared in a huge, circular room. In the middle of the room was a large, spiralling staircase, held up with huge, stone pillars. The staircase was surrounded by a landing of red carpet which looked purple, upon which the Duke and the Traveller appeared.The walls around the landing were white - but appeared pale blue - with dark-brown wainscotting and four wooden doors spaced evenly apart, with a small square alcove down the far side.
  “Where are we?” asked the Duke.
  “We're exactly where you need to be,” said the Traveller. She began walking along the landing, pulling the Duke behind her by the cuffs.
  “Must you drag me?” growled the Duke, yanking his wrists back. The woman spun to face him with the visor of her helmet, a window of emotionless, black glass.
  “Do you want me to hit you again?” she asked, raising her gun above her head, threateningly.
  “I don't mean to resist, but you could allow me some dignity. I can't run away, I'm handcuffed and I don't know where I am,” said the Duke, matter-of-factly. “There's no need to drag me, walk and I'll follow.”
  “Whatever,” said the Traveller, holstering the gun in her belt. “but if you try to run, I'll bind your ankles and drag you by your feet. Do you understand?”
  “Perfectly,” said the Duke.
The Traveller walked around to a far door, checking behind her to make sure the Duke was following; he was true to his word and kept two steps behind. They entered a corridor, which lead a few metres then angled right, to another corridor, which lead to a large metal door. To the right, there was another corridor, and along the left side, there were three spaces cut into the wall where  where there was a wide window, but the curtains were all closed.
  “What is this place?” asked the Duke
  “I can't tell you that,”
  “Why not?”
  “Because you're not supposed to know yet,” said the Traveller, she turned down the right corridor, then lead the way to a huge doorway with a metal frame that was left wide open. She stood by it and gestured for the Duke to head inside. “Go on.”
The Duke raised an eyebrow, but nonetheless entered the doorway, and saw himself in a large room, with four other people in it, that looked up to see him as he entered the room, they all seemed to be wearing lab coats. The edges of the room were crammed with desks that were covered with computers, monitors, fibre-optic cables with two standing servers. On the far side of the room was a pair of security doors, made of thick glass, and there were some filing cabinets in the near corners. However, in the middle of the room, there was a large meeting table surrounded with study chairs, and in the centre of it was a glass box, which immediately drew the Duke's attention as it was the only device in the room which was moving. Within the box was a complicated series of brass gears, a torsion pendulum, springs, a wooden frame and it was all set around a large clock, with alien numbers around it.
  “So, you're the ones that stopped time,” said the Duke, looking at the glass clock.
  “Yes,” replied the Traveller, as she entered the room behind him.
  “Why don't you restore it again?” asked the Duke. “You need only remove the key.”
  “We can't. Not yet,” said one of the scientists, stepping forward protectively, making sure the Duke wasn't going to touch the device.
  “Yet . . .?” asked the Duke. “What are you waiting for? What could you be waiting for? Time is slowed considerably, you'll be waiting years for a day to pass.”
  “They're not waiting, they're working,” said the Traveller. “If you turn off that device, we'll all be dead in less than twenty seconds.”
The Duke frowned, then looked around the room at the others. They looked deadly serious.
  “How?” asked the Duke.
  “Our planet has been attacked,” said the Traveller. “An alien force has used one of our own technologies against us. If we can't fix it, it will explode.”
  “One of 'your' technologies?” said the Duke “Or something else you've stolen?”
  “It doesn't matter,” said the Traveller, “what matters is, we require your knowledge to stop it.”
  “And why would I help you?” asked the Duke, holding up his bound hands. “You've not been very welcoming, thus far.”
  “Because you have expertise in alien technology that can help us. And because if you don't; every living thing on this planet will die,” said the Traveller. “When the device explodes, it will do so with the force of thirty-gigatons. A blast radius bigger than Australia, that would devastate the ecosystem of this world.”
The Duke sneered; they weren't asking him to help, they were telling. And with the fate of the Earth at stake, he couldn't refuse.
  “Where do I start?” asked the Duke.
  “How much do you know about naquadria?”

Edison was screaming as he clenched his teeth, a pencil shoved up one nostril, to keep his airways open, and Anise pulling his nose straight.
  “Almost done, sweetie, almost,” she said, pulling it sideways before. “There. It's all over, Chess. I think it's done.”
  “Argh! Thank god for that,” he said, through clenched teeth. He pulled the pencil out and wiped some of the blood out from under his nose with his hand, sniffed, then turned to her. “How does it look?”
Anise frowned as she looked at Edison's nose, still bleeding and puffy from the swelling.
  “It looks straight,” she said, nodding but looking a little sick from the experience.
  “Well, at least something is . . .” muttered Edison, wiping his nose again, but the bleeding was less now than before, “Alright . . . now, how do we get the Duke back?”
  “I dunno,” said Anise, distressed. “I don't even know where he went.”
  “Can the Lift find him?” asked Edison, walking towards the lift doors, which were still hanging open.
  “The Lift . . . ?” said Anise, following behind. “Chess, Duke can barely fly that thing, do you really want to go messin' with it?”
  “We don't have to fly it, we'll just see if it can find him,” said Edison. He stepped inside the lift lobby and stood in front of the rear doors. Anise stood outside and stared at him as he stood there.
  “What are you doing?”
  “Open,” Edison said to the door. He felt around at the doorframe, then turned around, “How does he open this thing?”
  “There's a hidden panel just there,” Anise replied, pointing. Edison felt around it with his hands; there was no handle, so he tried to get his fingernails into the little gap. Finally, he poked it with a finger and it popped open. He looked inside, and was staring at an odd, glass screen. There were several buttons, some animated, circular symbols and a keyhole.”
  “Where's the key?” asked Edison.
  “Around Duke's neck,” said Anise, sadly.
  “No, no, this can't be right.” said Edison. He poked at some of the buttons, but they all made an odd buzzing sound. “It's not working.”
  “You need the key,” said Anise, stepping inside to join him in the Lift.
  “No, I don't need the key,” said Edison, turning around. “When I first saw this thing, I walked in here, and went right inside the ship.”
  “How?” asked Anise. Edison was silent for a moment.
  “ . . . I don't know. But I did it before.”
  “Maybe he just left the door unlocked,” said Anise.
  “Well then what are we supposed to do? The Duke's gone, we can't just wait for him to come back. We could be in danger here, what can we do?”
Anise looked around the lobby, and glancing at the panel, she saw the Lift's emergency button, on the panel, an icon of a little, red bell.
  “I have an idea,” said Anise. “The Duke said that I should push this button if something goes wrong.”
  “What does it do?” asked Edison.
  “I don't know. But this is an emergency, isn't it? He just said, push it, and the Lift would do the rest.”
  “Okay. Let's push it,” said Edison. Anise nodded, held out a finger, hesitated for a moment, then pressed the red button. Immediately, the front doors slid shut, and the ship began to rumble. From within, they could hear the wheezing, groaning and grinding of the engine as it began to move.
  “Hold on!” Edison yelled, grabbing ahold of Anise. The two of them bounced off the walls as the ship spun and swayed before the engine ceased and they landed with a muffled thud.
  “The Lift changed,” said Anise. She couldn't see much through the glass sides, but the glass door leading out looked out upon a grand foyer, which was tinted blue.
  “Time's still stopped here as well,” said Edison as he pressed the open door button it made a ding noise, and the doors slid out of the way and they walked into a grand hallway. The room was five storeys high, with huge, square, sandstone columns reaching down from the ceiling to the floor with a glass balcony on each of the four levels above, overlooking the hallway. At the floor, the columns stepped into a narrower square column decorated with geometric patterns which sat atop a square-stepped base. The columns bordered the sides of room, each spaced about five metres apart down a hall which looked to be a kilometre long, and every eight columns along, the hallways was divided with a huge wall of glass that reached up three storeys, each a few centimetres thick with a rectangular doorway cut into the base. The entire place was lit by the sunlight through the tall, thin window on the far wall, but all of it tinted blue.
  “I don't think we're in Kansas anymore,” said Anise.
  “No,” said Edison as he looked up at the wall behind them. Anise turned up to see. Hanging from the ceiling in front of it was an enormous blue tapestry, with a familiar, silver icon which looked like some kind of squid or jellyfish. “We're on Rathea . . .”

  “So they sent an explosive device through your system?” asked the Duke,
  “Yes,” said the Traveller, losing her patience, leaning her helmet in her hand as she sat at the meeting desk.
  “But that's not what's going to explode?”
  “No, that already has exploded. It was a tiny, naquadria-enhanced incendiary device, practically harmless.”
  “I don't understand,” said the Duke, struggling to gesticulate with his hands in the cuffs. “How could that affect the naquadah?”
  “Naquadria is radioactive. It emitted naquadric particles which slowly transformed our portal into naquadria.”
  “Because the Wormhole Generator is made of naquadah I understand that,” said the Duke. “I've seen these devices before, I just don't understand how it can be transformed at the molecular level into naquadria.”
  “Because naquadria is naquadah,” said the Traveller, exasperated. “Just radioactive. A related element.”
  “Ah . . . I see,” said the Duke. “So, your Wormhole Generator is now explosive. And when they establish a connection, the resulting influx of energy from the artificial wormhole will . . .”
  “Yes, explode in a thirty-gigaton blast, enough to wipe us off the map.”
  “Enough to wipe the map off the map,” said the Duke. “Can I see the device for myself?” asked the Duke.
  “Of course,” said the Traveller, gesturing towards the glass security doors. Through it, they could just make out the large ring, in the darkness. It was night in this part of the world.
  “I meant up close. I can't do anything from this distance.”
  “And you won't. You need a radiation suit to head out there, it's scattered with naquadric radiation. And those cuffs aren't coming off, even if I wanted them to, so you're not getting a suit.”
  “You seem to be forgetting that I'm an alien,” said the Duke. “I can't be harmed by most forms of radiation.”
The Traveller turned around to one of the scientists behind her.
  “I didn't know that,” she said.
  “It's not in the file,” said the scientist with a shrug. The woman, turned back to the Duke.
  “If you're sure,” she said. She stood and walked towards the metal door at the back of the room.
  “Where are you going?” asked the Duke, walking towards the glass doors.
  “That's an electronic door,” said the Traveller, “the circuits are frozen, you can't use it.”
  “It seems there's a lot of things that aren't in your file,” said the Duke. He reached into his trouser pocket, having to double over to reach inside with his hands and stood up holding his laser spanner, pointed at the top of the door. He pressed a button and a green spark of electricity shot out of the spanner and began to decelerate, but it hit the doorframe before it could stop entirely. Then the Duke pressed a finger to the glass door itself, it was affected by his time-field and the right half of the two sliding doors slid back, and he stepped out into the night.
He flinched slightly as he walked into the invisible particles, but he gritted his teeth and kept walking. Outside was just a wide deck, fenced in with some metal walls, just taller than the Duke, and a few feet away from the security doors, in the middle of the space, was a swimming pool, it had been emptied, and down the far end, framed by two metal ladders was a huge ring, 6.7 metres across and standing upright. It was set within some kind of purpose-built stand, comprised of a ramp with lights. The ring itself was a foot thick, and intricately detailed, but what stood out were several triangles, shining bright light - tinted blue - which were evenly spaced around the outside of the ring, set within a segment which was decorated with more lights in the shape of a chevron. As the Duke walked closer, he could see that between each chevron was four arched panels, within each panel was a symbol, each a comprised of dashes, dots, circles or squiggles in a linear series.
The pool it was sitting in had a series of steps, designed for slowly walking deeper into the pool water, the Duke walked down it, then up the ramp, and he stood atop it, marvelling at the stargate.
  “This design must be unique to your galaxy!” called out the Duke, as he read the different symbols. “I've never seen a wormhole generator like this before. It's primitive!”
After a few more moments, he turned his back on the stargate and headed back into the observation room with the other scientists.
  “Did you learn anything?”
  “Yes, yes, I did,” said the Duke, grunting and tensing his muscles awkwardly as he spoke. “They don't seem to use stellar bodies to map their co-ordinates . . . I believe it's a series of equations to calculate distance along a single, linear dimension.”
  “What are you doing?” asked the Traveller, stepping back as the Duke continued to groan and stretch.
  “Just . . . have to . . . there!” suddenly, every part of the Duke's skin began glowing with magnificent, blue-tinted light as he gasped with relief. Finally the light subsided, and the Duke stood there, breathing heavily. But he stopped breathing when he saw the Traveller, who had pulled her gun and was pointing it at his head. He raised his cuffed hands, defensively.
  “What the hell was that?!” demanded the Traveller, the Duke could just hear the unease in her voice through the modulator.
  “Take it easy,” said the Duke. “I was just converting the radiation from my body into light. It's perfectly harmless.”
The Traveller didn't lower her gun, however, she just shook her head.
  “You will not go doing anything unexpected like that again, unless you tell us exactly what you're doing. Do you understand me?” she asked.
  “I think I'm beginning to,” said the Duke. The Traveller lowered her gun, but not the tension in the room.
  “Get to work,” she ordered.

Anise was sitting on the base of a square pillar, as Edison fiddled with his radio, standing by the Lift.
  “This is Detective Inspector Chester Franklin Edison, of the London Metropolitan Police,” he said into the radio, “of the United Kingdom, Earth. Can anyone read me? I repeat, this is Detective Inspector Edison, of the London Metropolitan Police, of Earth, please respond.”
He stood still for a moment, but there was no response. He looked over at Anise, but she had been quiet for almost an hour.
  “Anise, what are you doing?”
  “Nothing,” she said, still staring into space. “Waiting.”
  “Waiting for what?”
  “For the Duke.”
  “The Duke's been captured, Anise, we can't wait for him.”
  “He told me to press that button if I was in danger. He knew it would take the Lift here. Why would he do that, if we'd be stuck on an alien planet?”
  “He didn't know that time would be frozen.”
  “Then what can we do?” asked Anise, sounding desperate. “We're stuck on an alien world, no one around to help us. The best chance we have is a time machine which we can't use because the door's locked!”
  “We'll find a way out of this,” said Edison.
  “How?!” screamed Anise, her eyes watery and fearful. The Inspector turned towards the timeship and marched inside. He banged his fist on the rear door.
  “Open, for goodness' sake!” he kicked the door and banged it with his fist again. “We need to get out of here!”
  “Chess, no,” said Anise, heading over. “Don't be like that, please.”
  “You opened before, do it again!” yelled Edison. “We have to save the Duke!”
He raised his fist again, but the door slid open with a quiet hiss. Edison stood there for a moment, utterly speechless.
  “Uh . . . Anise? It worked.”
  “What?” she asked. Edison walked into the console room of the Lift, and Anise followed right behind.
  “No way . . .” she said, heading in to join him. They both stood before the console, bewildered. “All we had to do was bang on the door?”
  “I think it was more than that. I told it to let me inside.”
  “And you said we want to help the Duke,” she said. “Alright, well, now that we're in here, . . . how do we fly this thing?”
At those words, the slightly transparent image of a person flickered into existence in front of them. The didn't recognize the man, he was wearing a flowing, red robe with long, hanging sleeves, as well as what looked like red, waxy plastic which was moulded over the shoulders to make them wider and spread out behind his head like wings in a strange, flared collar. The man was dark-skinned, with short, fuzzy grey hair atop his head,  a salt-and-pepper beard as well as unshaven whiskers speckled his mottled, acne-scarred cheeks.
  “Voice Interface, initiated,” it said. It had a strained, gravelly voice and spoke with a South London accent.
  “Who the hell are you?” asked Anise
  “I am the Holographic Assistant of the Visual Voice Interface,” replied the hologram.
  “Okay . . .” said Anise. She turned to Edison. “What does that mean?”
  “It's not a real person, it's just a projection from the computer,” said Edison, sounding impressed. “Can you tell us how to fly the Lift?”
  “Lifts cannot fly,” replied the hologram.
  “I mean the timeship,” said Edison, “we call it the Lift.”
  “Understood,” said the hologram. “Your alternate designation has been recorded for future reference.”
  “Can you help us to fly this bloody thing?” asked Anise.
  “I can instruct you in the spatial navigation and temporal manipulation of the Type Seventy-Two, Mark One T.T. Capsule. However, the piloting of this particular vessel is not recommended for a flight crew of less than five pilots or for individuals without a minimum of three months experience of simulated vortical travel.”
  “Whatever, can you tell us where the Duke is?”
  “The Duke is not currently aboard this vessel,” replied the hologram. Anise groans.
  “Ugh! I hate computers!” she whined, wandering off to the side of the room and then flopping onto the couch.
  “Look, we know the Duke isn't on board this ship. Can you help us to find him?” asked Edison.
  “This vessel's long-distance scanner is capable of accurately identifying the species, sex and blood group of individuals up to five light years away. Would you like to specify the parameters of your search?”
  “He should be on Earth,” said Edison. “The planet, Earth.”
  “Understood,” said the hologram, “Please wait, for the results of this search . . .”
The hologram stared into space, silently, as the computer fulfilled Edison's request.

The Duke was standing before several pieces of paper, which were hovering in the middle of the air, using the frozen time-stream to hold them in place. He rubbed his wrists, where the cuffs were digging into his skin, then wrote something on one of the pages. He held a yellow pencil by the eraser, so his time-field wouldn't affect the paper as he wrote on it, and scribbled some numbers onto one of the sheets.
  “I think I've got it . . .” said the Duke. The scientists scrambled and stood up at his words.
  “He's got it!” one of the scientists called out the door, to summon the Traveller, who ran into the room..
  “The simplest solution is the easiest one,” said the Duke, quietly. “The connection being sent through to your Wormhole Generator can only be sent through a single point in space, yes? A wormhole such as this cannot diverge into two, the energy would dissipate through subspace. So, all we need to do, is sever the device, here and here,” said the Duke, drawing two lines through a small icon of the stargate on one of the pieces of paper, which effectively cut it in half. “The difficulty would be cutting through the material without affecting it with our relative time-field, but if we kept our distance, and utilized my own laser spanner, we need only use one of your metal-shearing saws to cut through the material. Then merely separate the two pieces a distance greater than the diameter of the initial wormhole's event horizon, and set time flowing again.”
The Duke looked at the others, patiently.
  “No,” said the Traveller. “Keep working.”
  “What?” asked the Duke, walking towards her. “This will solve it, I've checked the physics.”
  “We're not cutting our Portal Ring in half.”
  “What?!” screamed the Duke. “Why not?!”
  “We cannot repair the device if it is cut in half. The device must remain intact.”
  “'Intact'! Are you really more concerned with saving that device than the billions of people on this planet?!”
  “We are not going to sacrifice our wormhole technology!” yelled the Traveller. “Find another way.”
  “Another way?!” shouted the Duke. “There is no way to stop the energy of an incoming wormhole from coming through an intact Wormhole Generator!”
  “If we block the entrance, it stops the wormhole,” she retorted.
  “The wormhole, yes, but not the energy! If we seal the entrance of that ring, the wormhole won't coalesce, but the energy will surge through the naquadria, and it will explode. We can't generate our own wormhole to stop it, because that would require sending just as much energy through the naquadria, and it would explode! And we can't even try to divert the power, because it's being sent through subspace directly into the device, if we try, we will fail and it will explode!”
  “You will find another way.”
  “What do you want me to do? I could take the device far away, to another planet, another place or time where the incoming wormhole won't find it, except that I don't have my ship.”
  “Even if we did, we wouldn't allow you to take the device off of this planet. We're not destroying the device, and we won't allow you to take it off this planet. We can't trust you to bring it back.”
  “I wouldn't bring it back,” said the Duke. “This crisis alone is evidence enough that you don't know how to handle alien technology!”
In response, the Traveller punched the Duke in the jaw, sending him flying through his papers and onto the floor.
  “We don't want your opinion; only your knowledge,” she said, standing over him. “If you don't understand the way this works, this is going to be a very, very long night. You find me a way to stop the Portal Ring from exploding without destroying it, or I will kill you.”
  “You can't kill me,” snarled the Duke through gritted teeth. “You need me.”
  “Then it's a good thing that you regenerate,” said the Traveller, leaning over the Duke; the Duke's face fell. “Oh yes, we know all about that; but, don't worry, I'll make it a death that will haunt your memories for the rest of your long, long life . . .”

Anise and Edison were sitting on the couch, waiting for the computer to find the Duke.
  “You know, we've been through some crazy, terrible, amazing things,” said Edison. “But this whole time, I don't know what you actually do for a living. But I'm curious now. What do you do?”
  “I worked in jewellery store.” said Anise.
  “Okay . . . what's that like?”
  “It's alright. I thought it would be a scary responsibility, 'cause I thought people would try to nick stuff all the time, but it’s pretty rare. I just hate it with couples sometimes, they're buyin' engagement rings, wedding rings an' that, but you can tell they won’t last.”
  “What? The couple?”
  “Yeah, all the time. Like, one time, I had this pair looking for an engagement ring and she was pregnant, they were arguin' the whole time. And he was tellin' her she had to get a diamond ring, he was bossin' her around and she was havin' at him as well. When I was tryin' to show them, she was all 'Nah that looks gay'. Y'know, just a divorce waitin' to happen.”
  “Doesn't sound fun,” said Edison, flatly.
  “Well, nah, it's alright. Like, you get the little girls that just want to see the sparkles, and the sweet couples. And there's this old man that collects glass figurines, and you know the type, he's always got a story. It's just the bad eggs is all, they make it all seem so pointless . . . what about you? What do you do?”
Edison frowned and looked over at her.
  “I'm a police officer,” he said, tugging his high-visibility vest.
  “No . . . I mean, y'know. There's more to you than your job. Like, I go clubbin' with my mates, and dancing, hang out with guys. What about you?”
  “I wish,” said Edison. “I really am married to the job. All work and no play.”
  “What, there's nothin' more to see with Chester Edison? Just a policeman?”
  “Well, my father was a policeman. I guess I'm picking up where Dad left off.”
  “Was? So is he . . .?”
  “Oh, no, he's not dead. He was shot in the leg, and it messed up his kneecap. So he left the force and now he's a private investigator.”
  “Ah, okay,” said Anise. “Well, that's your dad's story, But what about you, then?”
  “What do you want me to say?” said Edison with a shrug.
  “There's more to you than your job, I know it. Do you collect stamps? Do you own a dog? Do you want to start a family some day?”
  “No, of course not,” said Edison, chuckling.
  “What is it then? What aren't you telling me?”
Edison hesitated for a moment, thought about it then said. “I'm gay.”
  “Oh . . .” said Anise, nodding slowly. “So, what does that mean? Do you have a boyfriend?”
  “No, nothing like that,” said Edison. “I meant what I said, all work and no play. I'm a policeman, I can't go to those bars and I don't have time to go on dates.”
  “Why not?” asked Anise.
  “I just can't.” said Edison shaking his head, he stood up and walked away, over to the console. “Hey, Hologram, what's taking so long?”
  “The long-distance scanner is still processing your request,” replied the hologram.
  “Y'know, it's pretty obvious that you're deliberately changing the subject,” said Anise.
  “Why is it taking so long?” asked Edison, ignoring Anise.
  “Earth is currently more than two million light-years away from our location, and our immediate sensors indicate that this universe is currently undergoing a time-dilation anomaly. It will take approximately five minutes to receive information from Earth.”
  “It's been over twenty minutes. How long will this take?”
  “Scanning the entire planet of Earth will take approximately four thousand, eight hundred and forty-nine years.”
  “What?!” screamed Anise. “We don't have that long! Stop the stupid scanner.”
  “Understood. Cancelling the long-distance scan.”
  “This is ridiculous!” yelled Anise. “He's your pilot! Duke owns this ship! Shouldn't you know where your own pilot is?”
  “For security purposes, the keys which grant access to this vessel all contain a quantum beacon, which is constantly monitored by the computer to locate the position of any and all of its access keys. It is recommended that the captain of every T.T. Capsule keeps his access key on their person at all times.”
  “You know where the Lift key is?”
“The key to this vessel is currently located in Sector Eight-Zero-Two-Three of the Third Quadrant, on the Planet Earth; Fourteen degrees, thirty-six minutes and thirty-nine seconds towards the positive pole; One hundred and twenty-seven degrees, fifty minutes and sixteen seconds against terrestrial revolution.”
  “Wait . . . are you telling me that you've known where the Duke is this whole time?!”
  “The Duke is currently outside of immediate sensor range, it cannot be ascertained whether or not the Duke's position is concurrent with the position of this vessel's access key.”
  “I hate computers,” groaned Anise.
  “Can you take us to him?” asked Edison.
  “This vessel is not designed for automated flight. However, I can instruct you in its spatial navigation.” said the hologram
  “Alright then,” said Edison. “What do I have to do?”
  “First, you must approach the controls, and locate the helm and navigation control quadrant of the console,” said the hologram.
  “Alright,” said Edison. “Give me a hand, Anise. This is probably going to take a while . . .”

  “You said it was impossible,” said the Traveller, glancing at the Duke's notes.
  “We're not stopping the incoming wormhole energy, that is impossible,” said the Duke, sounding tired. “But this will disarm the stargate. If the naquadria really does have a half-life of fifteen thousand years, and it really is just a related element to naquadah, then this will solve the problem without destroying the wormhole generator.”
  “Will it destroy the StopWatch?” asked the Traveller, sternly.
  “Not if we're careful,” said the Duke. “But the mathematics is sound and I understand this device, it's Vistorian, I know how to manipulate it.”
  “Alright then,” she said. “Are you ready?” She asked, as she turned to a scientist wearing a yellow hazmat suit, which looked green.
  “Yeah,” he said, coiling some cords and fibre-optic cable around his shoulder, “just make sure we close the door, to protect our equipment.”
  “Of course,” said the Traveller, as she unholstered her gun and pressed a recess on the back which made it humm and glow as it charged with volatile energy. She pointed it at the Duke. “Now, let's get started.”
  The Duke wandered outside as the scientist in the hazmat suit carefully picked up the glass clock from the meeting table and followed the other them out the door. The Duke used his laser spanner and placed a hand to the glass to close the door behind them, and then all three of them headed into the small, emptied pool, in front of the time-frozen stargate.
The Duke began by heading around to the right of the ramp as the scientist stood at the base of the ramp and placed the glass clock in front of it, and the Traveller stood at the edge of the pool, with her pistol in hand. There were two lights on the base of the ramp which the Duke knelt down beside, then removed the cover from one of them using his laser spanner.
  “I need the copper wire,” said the Duke. The scientist unravelled some cord and handed one end to the duke, which had a small and unusual crystalline port on the end. The Duke plugged it into the exposed board.
  “How do you know this is interfacing with the Control Crystal?” asked the scientist, “those are just lights.”
  “It's not a computer interface,” said the Duke, sounding unenthusiastic. “I'm merely connecting the Vistorian time dilation device to the electrical circuit of the wormhole generator. By connecting the two devices, they will share the same time-field.”
The Duke walked to the front of the ramp and knelt down before the glass clock while the scientist picked up the other end of the cable and brought it over to the Duke. The Duke pulled off one side of the case and, using his teeth, he ripped the end off of the cable, and using his spanner, fired a bright red laser at the the exposed wires to weld them onto the power circuit with a small wisp of smoke. As soon as he did, there was a great rumbling sound as the stargate began to spin. The traveller pointed her gun at the Duke.
  “Don't worry, the wormhole generator is now in temporal harmony with us,” said the Duke, ignoring the gun. “The wormhole won't be established for thousands of years, at this rate.”
  “No funny business,” said the Traveller, sternly.
  “Wouldn't dream of it,” said the Duke. Staring at the gun, he said, “Now, I'm going to reverse the polarity of the time dilation device. Instead of affecting all of us, it will only affect itself, and its own relative time-field.”
  “Do it,” she said. The Duke shuffled back a few centimetres and pointed his laser at the device. Suddenly, the blue silence which had surrounded them disappeared with an explosion of sound, as everything began moving. The Duke was glad to see the clear, white tile beneath him, the brown wood, even the bright yellow of the scientists hazmat suit. But in front of them, the stargate was a blur. Now spinning at an incomprehensible speed, it was nothing but a black ring with chevrons spinning so fast, they blended together into a single band of bright, white, neon light, and the machine itself roared like a jet engine as it span. And the Duke felt the force of the radiation as it spilled from the device, two thousand years worth of radiation all expelled in a matter of seconds. After several seconds, the Duke sensed that the stargate was no longer emitting radiation, then, as quick as a blink, the stargate wasn't spinning anymore. The Duke only had one chance. There was a high-pitched whine as the energy of the wormhole began to coalesce and bright, white energy was rapidly collecting inside of the circle. The Duke seized the opportunity and grabbed the glass clock with both hands.
Before either the scientist or the Traveller could react, everything became blue once again. The Duke was now in harmony with the stargate's time-field, and he watched, in wonder, the energy seemed to be sitting still within the wormhole, a plane of pure, white energy contrasting with the scintillating night sky; it was beautiful. Struggling because of his cuffs, he got to his feet, still holding onto the case, and looked at the other two. The Traveller was still pointing the gun at the ground, where he'd been a moment ago, so the Duke yanked at the cable, disconnecting the clock from the stargate. Then he climbed up the steps out of the pool and stood beside the Traveller, staring at her with malice.
  “You should never hit a duke,” he said. Then, swinging the glass clock in his hands as a club, he smacked the Traveller in the stomach. She went flying back and up into the air with the force of the hit and for a second, as the time-field affected her, he heard her grunt from pain in a tinny, modulated whine. But she rapidly slowed, pausing in the middle of an arch that was flipping her head over heels, as the force of the time-sped beating sent her sailing over the iron-plated fence that surrounded the pool area. Then, turning towards the stargate again, the Duke sighed heavily, then casually threw the glass clock towards the energy in the middle of the stargate ring. He rapidly accelerated to normal time, and watched as an unstable vortex burst from out of the stargate with a whoosh. The clock was enveloped by the vortex and disintegrated before the unstable energy was absorbed back into the stargate, and the wormhole stabilized, settling into what looked like a rippling, vertical pool of shimmering blue-silver water, which made a low burbling sound.
The Duke suddenly convulsed as he felt a burning pain through his body, he cried out and fell to his knees; he'd consumed too much radiation. Clenching his teeth, fists and eyes, his skin suddenly shone bright orange. He cried out in pain as his skin felt like pins and needles, his fingernails shot with piercing hot pain, and his ears were burning. He began coughing then taking a deep breath he spat on the ground. The saliva bubbled on the tiles by the pool, and as the light subsided, his skin was steaming and he was breathing heavily.
  “That . . . was a little too much,” sighed the Duke, then he struggled to his feet. After a few seconds, the event horizon shone bright white and the wormhole dissipated. The chevrons went dark, and in place of the burbling sound disappeared with a whoosh to be replaced by the sound of the ocean and, in the distance, a familiar grinding sound. The Duke turned and looked up at the sky, and he cracked a smile. Up high in the night sky the Lift, in its basic, silver elevator form, was spinning wildly as flew towards them. Top over tail, it rolled through the air turning left, then right then twisting rapidly.
  “What kept you?!” yelled the Duke, then he laughed out loud. As the scientist in the hazmat suit finally saw what was happening, he started freaking out and ran to hide around the side of the wall behind them. The Lift was flying closer, wheezing and groaning louder and louder as it swooped down, and the Duke stood out of the way as the bottom of the Lift hit the top of the fence, sending it flipping over. Then it landed heavily on its base and scraped loudly along the ground, before coming to a stop with a thump! against the wall next to the glass security doors, which made it rattle. The Duke ran over, with a grin on his face, and used his spanner to open the door and step into the lobby. He pressed the button on the panel to close the door behind him, when the console room door opened automatically in front of him, to reveal Anise and Edison standing there.
  “That was a bit of a rough landing,” said the Duke. “I hope you didn't scratch it.”
  “Duke!” said Anise, excitedly running over to grab him in a hug. “We came here to rescue you!”
  “Well, your methods were crude, but effective,” said the Duke. Anise felt the Duke's hand pressed up to his chest, and let go to see his hands were still cuffed.
  “Oh, right!” said Edison, reaching into his belt. He retrieved the key and unlatched the cuffs. As soon as he did, the Duke sighed, happily.
  “Inspector, I could kiss you,” said the Duke, and Anise giggled. Then he walked over to the console, he flinched when he saw the hologram standing there. “Oh, right. That explains that. Deactivate Virtual Voice Interface Assistant.”
The hologram nodded and flickered out of existence, then the Duke went to the console and began adjusting the controls. A holographic screen appeared, which showed an image of the area outside, with the stargate front and centre.
  “What's that thing?” asked Anise.
  “It's a wormhole generator,” said the Duke. A number of symbols appeared on one of the panels of the console, and after a moment's consideration, he pressed seven keys in quick succession and the stargate began to spin, then a symbol at the apex lit up and it span the other way..
  “What are you doing?” asked Edison.
  “Something I've always wanted to do . . .” said the Duke, turning back to his friends as another symbol on the stargate lit up. “I'm surprised you can to rescue me. Thank you.”
  “You've done the same for me,” said Edison.
  “For both of us,” said Anise. Then she saw the bruise blossoming on his jaw “Are you alright?”
  “I'll be better once we get out of here,” said the Duke as a fourth symbol was illuminated.
  “What happened here?” asked Edison. “The blue's gone away.”
  “Time is once again flowing in accordance with the natural laws,” said the Duke. “These people stopped time because they meddled with a technology they couldn't understand, but I fixed their mistake, and they won't be able to stop time ever again.”
  “Who are they?” asked Edison
  “I don't know,” said the Duke. “But I will.”
  “What do you mean?” asked Anise.
  “They know me, but I don't know them. And we're in the future . . . I think we'll meet them again, in our time.”
  “So, what are we going to do about it?” asked Edison. As the seventh symbol lit up on the stargate, the unstable vortex burst out with a whoosh, then settled into a stable wormhole.
  “We're leaving,” said the Duke. “There must be hundreds of people within that facility, and none of them like me very much . . .”
The Duke took charge of the console, and the ship took off, groaning and rumbling. Anise and Edison held on and watched the screen as the Duke flew them into the event horizon.
The ship flew through the wormhole and appeared on the other side several seconds later. As it did, the ship landed with a heavy thud that shook the console room.
  “Here we are,” said the Duke.
  “Where is 'here'?” asked Edison.
  “I'm not entirely sure what it’s called, I've never visited this address before.”
  “Duke, wait. Just stop.”
  “Stop? Stop what?”
  “This,” she said, pointing at him. “You were kidnapped, and handcuffed, and by the looks of it, beaten. Can't you stop and slow down for a second?”
  “What do you mean?” asked the Duke. Anise grabbed his wrists, and he flinched as she touched his skin; he looked down at the red sores where the metal had cut into his wrists.
  “Duke, you need to rest for a moment,” said Anise softly massaging the marks with her fingers.
  “Right . . .” said the Duke. “Sorry, you're right. I was a little over-excited when I saw you flying the ship to come for me.”
  “You're always going eighty miles an hour, do you ever stop?” asked Anise.
The Duke didn't answer for a while.
  “You're right. We should stop. Relax and take some weight off, for a while,” the Duke walked over to the couch, Anise holding his hand with Edison close behind, and they all sat down. The Duke sighed heavily.
  “Now, Duke . . . tell me what happened in that place,” said Anise.
The Duke nodded and after taking a deep breath and exhaling heavily, he told them the story . . .

Saturday 26 April 2014

Star Cross

Before we get started, I have a little announcement. I realize that my blog posts are getting a little few and far between. I am sorry, I'm working on that, but it's not easy. Especially since it often takes a while to write these things. So, I've started a tumblog. I will still be putting my heart and soul into this blog, this is my main project. However, if you want to get your dose of Absurd Word Nerd between blog posts, get some inside information into upcoming Duke chapters and blog posts or even ask me a question directly, feel free to drop by. I drew a button which I've added down in the right column -->
It's in the "Follow Me" section, the blue 't'. It's also alongside a red 'g+' which links to my Google+ Page, if you want to follow me there as well (although, to be honest, I don't update very much on Google+).
The tumblog can be found at kelnius.tumblr.com; and it's still early days so I've only done four posts, but give it time. It will grow, especially if there are a lot of people following it.

Alright, now, that's enough niceties, because this post is going to be nasty.

I try to be nice. I do what I can to be nice to people and I appreciate the lighter side, to like people and to come to understand the good things they can offer. However, something that really puts me off is that there are a lot of people that, as I see it, are terrible people, yet others seem to like them. I'm talking about celebrities. Not all of them, but there are a few of them that are just putrid human beings. And yet, despite all of their failings, a thousandfold of their followers stand up and cheer at them for being awesome, when I would rather vomit with rage.
The Word of the Day is: 'INFAMOUS'
Infamous /infəməs/ adj. 1. Of ill fame; having a very bad reputation: An infamous city. 2. Deserving or causing shame or bad repute: Infamous conduct.
There are a lot of famous people that I don't like very much, from Justin Bieber to Joan Rivers; but if I tried to list them, I would be here all day. See, a lot of those people have a bad reputation. That's the first definition of today's word, but I want to talk about the second: "deserving or causing shame (or bad repute)".
Because there are quite a few people that I, personally, hate, yet everyone else seems to think (erroneously) that they deserve to keep on living. There are at least five (perhaps more), but I want to list those top five in order of who I hate the least to who I hate the most. These are people that you probably like. If you don't, welcome to my world, but if you do, then allow me the chance, and I will explain not only why I hate these people, but you should really hate these people too. This is:

The A.W.N.'s Five Celebrities I HATE that Everyone Else LOVES

#5-| Stanley Kubrick

Before I saw any of his films, I heard great things about Stanley Kubrick: Visionary; Master of cinema; Greatest Director of all time. So when I heard that SBS (an Australian channel) was going to do a Kubrick week, I was psyched. I settled in to watch some great cinema. I watched Barry Lyndon, A Clockwork Orange & 2001: A Space Odyssey - and I was bored out of my mind. I forced myself to watch all three, because despite hating each one, I thought "surely this one will live up to the hype", but they sucked every time.
Kubrick makes bad movies, but that's not the reason I hate Kubrick. See, when I hated his films, I decided to look up why people thought he was a genius, despite all the evidence to the contrary and I found it. Kubrick is a perfectionist, he fiddles and fucks around with every scene of his films, and actors are put through the ringer making every single detail suit his inscrutable vision. Except, I watched the damn films, and all of that equals nothing, because the movies are terrible.

So often, he puts in these tiny details so that there's some kind of hidden meaning. But it's a goddamned movie! Sit down, watch, enjoy. I'm not saying that you can't engage with a film and get sucked into the mastery, but the film needs to be there on the screen. Hiding all these tiny details is just masturbatory. The only way to enjoy these films is to put as much effort into dissecting these films as Kubrick put into constructing the convoluted mess. It's like digging a thousand crooked needles into someone's skin just so that they have to take each one out, individually; that's ridiculous.
And if you think the needle simile is over the top - it's not. The clincher, the reason why I absolutely despise Kubrick, is because as far as I'm concerned, Kubrick is a complete moron that likes to torture people.

For the film The Shining he forced his secretary to type out, by hand, the complete "All Work and No Play" manuscript, for months, as well as verbally abusing Shelley Duvall until her hair started falling out and forcing her to repeat one scene (where she's swinging a baseball bat at a fellow actor) 127 times; While filming A Clockwork Orange, Kubrick was basically trying to kill main actor, Malcolm MacDowell. He scraped his cornea half-way through the "brainwashing" scenes, yet forced him to continue, had his ribs broken during a fight scene because he used no stunt double and almost drowned him in one long-take where his character had his head held underwater; He flat-out lied to actors in Doctor Strangelove, particularly George C Scott, into thinking they were making a serious drama, when in reality he was using their "joke takes" to make the comedy & worst of all, all of these movies are shit.
Now, it's not just the fact that Kubrick wastes tonnes of effort on these films. It's the fact that he's just an arsehole who seems to enjoy torturing people for his "art", which is worth less then the hair on his arse.
the only reason that he is so low on this list is because he died of a heart attack in 1999, so he can finally stop torturing actors for the sake of his worthless cinema.

#4-| Roger Ebert

Roger Ebert? But he was a cancer victim; he was one of the first people that re-introduced criticism as art and he died after a long-suffering . . . blah blah blah, No. You don't get to play that game, because Roger Ebert is a moron.
Something that you'll be seeing as a recurring theme on this list, is that one of the things I hate most is when someone is famous for something for which they are terrible, and Roger Ebert was terrible at reviewing movies. Like with Kubrick, I heard the hype, "Roger Ebert, famous Movie Reviewer", so for a Film & TV class, I looked up his reviews, and I noticed something.
First of all, every single on of his reviews is littered with references to classic filmography. Whether it's The Human Centipede review that mentions Hammer Horror films; The Dark Knight review with the Man who Laughs references; his Deep Throat review (seriously) that references Orson Welles or his own shitty, exploitation film Beyond the Valley of the Dolls which he doesn't review, yet still manages to make a Citizen Kane reference.
Roger Ebert seemed less interested in reviewing films, and more interested in showing off his in-depth knowledge of old-timey films, he had seen and nobody else had because they have better things to do with their time; yet always included them in a way that sounded like he believed himself to be infinitely better than you.

But the thing is, he's not better than you. He was not even better than most movie reviewers, because he was so completely out of touch with modern audiences. He reviewed Death Race: hated it; He reviewed Kick-Ass: hated it; He reviewed The Ring: hated it. Now, I'm not saying that he has to love every film that his audience loves, that's a foolish claim - I don't even like the Ring that much - but it's the reason why he hated these films that bug me. Here is a list of Roger Ebert's favourite films of all time. Roger Ebert lived - and continued reviewing films - up until 2013, and yet the eras of his top 10 films of all time come from the years 1941 to 1986. Nothing beyond 1987 even gets a mention.

Now "being an old man" is not really an excuse to hate someone. But do you know what is? "Being an old man that tries to stop progress". Which leads me into the clincher, and the reason why I am not at all bothered that Roger Ebert is dead:
  "Videogames can never be art"
-Roger Ebert, 2010
It's not the fact that he's wrong (and he is wrong), because he's entitled to be wrong, but it's the goddamned arrogance of this man - the authority with which he espouses his wrong opinion that pisses me off. Ebert has precisely zero expertise in videogames. His field is movies, and I argue that he has no expertise there either, but he has no place talking about videogames.
Not only that, but as The Game Overthinker points out in his response to Ebert's claims - it makes Ebert a goddamned hypocrite. Because for the longest time, a lot of experts in other mediums claimed that "Film can never be art", because it was made by more than one creator, yet Ebert saw no irony in repeating the history of hatred towards a younger medium, using the exact same argument.
Unlike Kubrick, I am not happy that Ebert is dead. In fact, I am saddened because no one changed his opinion on the matter, and they would have - given time - because Ebert was so very wrong on the matter, and kind of an idiot that needed education. His death took away the chance for him to learn something, and that makes me sad . . . although, it doesn't make me miss him.

#3-| Stephen King

A lot of people seem to think that I should like Stephen King. See, I am an amateur author on the internet, so I am in a few writing communities. As a result, I see a lot of other young writers, and many of them have been scouring the internet for tips and/or advice on writing. One of the works they often source as an inspiration to them is On Writing by Stephen King. But what none of these people seem to understand is that Stephen King is a terrible storyteller. Even my Beloved seems to appreciate his work, which is one of our few points of difference.

I hate Stephen King, because he doesn't know what a good story is, he just repeats himself. Do you remember that one Stephen King book about a writer/alcoholic battling evil, unearthly forces in Maine?
Oh, wait a minute(!) Is Stephen King a writer, and alcoholic, who lives in Maine? What a fucking brilliant man, I wonder where he gets his original fucking ideas from! "Write what you know", right Steve?
Do you know why every Stephen King movie is shit? I have seen heaps of them and I can tell you why. It's because Stephen King doesn't know how to construct a good story, they're all stupid. However, he is a good "writer". He knows how to scare people with his words, that's what makes him popular.
  "What's that?" I hear you say, "Did you just say that's he's a good writer? Then why do you hate him, pray tell."
Well, as I said with Kubrick, being bad at what you do doesn't make me hate you, that makes me hate your work. What makes me hate Stephen King is that he is a hypocrite, who doesn't even realize how much of a hypocrite he is. Now, I don't like Stephenie Meyer, she is a bad storyteller in my opinion. The reason she is bad is because she doesn't know how to plot, she just steals from classic literature, but leaves out the part that makes it good (i.e. originality, good character & a point beyond Mormon values and teen-girl bait), but she doesn't offend my sensibilities. I read Twilight, and I understand why it's popular, she's a good writer, but a bad storyteller. And yet, Stephen King has the audacity to publicly say "Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn".
No! No, Mr King, you have not earned the right to insult another author for bad writing. You have not displayed the fortitude that would qualify you as capable of deferring good literature from bad. You do not deserve the time of day to stand up and whine about another author being more successful than you; especially when she's writing just as well as you, but for a more populous and under-appreciated audience. I don't care that it's Stephenie Meyer, I don't hate Stephenie Meyer (I just hate her books) but that's not what matters, she doesn't matter. What matters is that the only reason he was even bitching was because she's earning more money than him, and he wanted to jump on the bandwagon, without realizing how much of a hypocrite it made him.

I despise Stephen King. I hate him so much, I could even write a putrid, disgusting, toad-like character, inspired by how much I hate him and his own selfish, close-minded views. [*cough* Steeking *cough*]. I don't like bad stories; I don't like people that write bad stories & I really don't like bad storytellers teaching others to write stories as bad as their own. But what I really hate, is a fucking hypocrite. You'd think, after getting hit by a car, he'd learn some goddamned humility. But now, he's just a crippled hypocrite, and I hate him for it.

#2-| Jamie Oliver

I hate Jamie Oliver. There's a very simple reason I hate Jamie Oliver, it's because he's a stupid, git-faced, ox-tongued, self-important little shit. But that's not a very rational or logical argument, so allow me to explain why he's a stupid, git-faced, ox-tongued, self-important little shit . . .
Basically, Jamie Oliver is a cook. I don't hate cooks, my favourite non-fictional television show ever is MasterChef. Sure, he adds too much salt to everything; sure every time he's done something live, it seems to go horribly wrong; sure, he seems to think that 'gorgeous' is the only adjective in the English language and has the vocabulary of a scab because he's an illiterate bastard & sure, his organic restaurants can be overpriced hogwash. But that alone is not why I hate him. What I hate is that Jamie Oliver doesn't seem to realize that he's a cook. He wants to get out of the kitchen, into the real world to fix it. But he can't fix anything, not the economy, not education and most certainly not childhood obesity.

Jamie has been going nuts with his crackdown on those poor, lonely . . . well poor people, in these hard economic times. They can't even cook a meal, so he made 15 Minute Meals, to show those poor peasants how to cook. He showed them how to whiz up food in his food processor (which all poor people have); cut up herbs from his herb garden (which all working parents have, of course) & save time by preparing portion sizes; cooking utensils; boiled water & pre-heated oven beforehand (which every working parent has the additional 15 minutes to do after a long day at work).
After that smash hit failed to solve the economy, Jamie "solved" the education problem. How? By making one "Dream School". Sure, that doesn't solve the rest of the schools in existence that don't have celebrity funding, but fuck it, at least that school will be amazing. And hey, maybe it will be a  trendsetter, maybe it could inspire other schools to build a biosphere; give their students a tour of Cambridge University when they feel like it or offer Latin, DivingPhotography and Sailing classes to their students. It's not like these kids are poor or from low-income families or something like that. Yeah, that's education solved, now what about obesity?
I know, let's go to a school and tell the lunch lady how to do her job. Never mind that the school doesn't have the budget to pay for school lunches, we'll just go over budget anyway, what's the worst that could happen? Oh, that's right, they won't have enough money and it will be too much work for the cafeteria workers to prepare your intricate recipes. Then when the series concluded, a much higher percentage of children were not eating the food provided. So, with that success under his belt, Jamie went to the unhealthiest city in America, where he also failed miserably.

Jamie Oliver doesn't understand that these are surface issues stemming from a terrible education system, capitalism and a poor economy. He thinks that childhood obesity, poor people & education can be solved from the outside in, when these are core problems that could only be tackled from the inside out. But of course he doesn't realize this, because he's a fucking idiot. He doesn't understand what it means to be poor, because he's not, he's too shortsighted. He's not a revolutionary, he's not a politician and he's not an economist; he's a fucking cook with a shitload of money because he sold a lot of recipe books and owns a few restaurants. But that's not good enough for Jamie Oliver, and that's why I hate him. It's not because he tries and fails, it's because he's only trying for his own selfish needs. He doesn't want smart people to change the world, he wants to save it all himself. But all he can offer is to throw his money at it, and offer some recipes.
I am so glad that Jamie Oliver isn't a woman, because I can unashamedly say that he needs to get back in the kitchen. Stop telling people how to live their lives; make me a sandwich by any means, that's all your good for.

#1-| Oprah Winfrey

Why is Oprah Winfrey on the top of this list? Do I hate her the most? Well, no, I probably hate Stephen King the most. But this list is ordered from the smallest to the greatest difference between how I feel and how most people seem to feel. So while Oprah Winfrey is not the most deserving of my hate, she is certainly the person most deserving of your hate, on this list.
Why? Well, because one of the words used to describe Oprah is "charitable". And it's true, she does give a lot of money to charity. From 2004 to 2010 she remained one of the top 50 Most Charitable Americans according to Philanthropy.com. She has given over four-hundred million dollars towards education, she recieved the first Bob Hope Humanitarian Award and of course, everyone remembers the time she gave everyone in her audience a new car.
Not to mention her Oprah's Angel Network, a charity organization designed to support more charities. Wow, look at all that charity, isn't Oprah such a kind and charitable woman?

Before you answer, I want you to consider something. Because, you see, I used to believe that about her too; but that was before "the Prayer Chair", there's a video on Oprah's website of Oprah looking around Dolly Parton's tour bus, and around the 1:15 mark, Ms Parton talks about her prayer altar by her bed and how she prays every day. Now, sure, praying is just weird to me, as an atheist I don't understand it, but Dolly Parton is a country singer so that's even weirder and I just don't much care about her doing it. But then, Oprah herself starts to gloat about her own 'pray station', a chair that she sits in to pray every day during the sunrise, and she talks about how she "even prays in bed some days". And that's when I started to feel icky, because Oprah was sort of "competing" with Dolly. It was passive, but she seemed to keep on ragging on about how very Christian she was. Later, they inspect her bath towels, and there are some rosary beads hanging there, and Oprah takes the moment to deliberately point them out just so she can add "ooh, I have them, I use them as a bookmark".
And that's when I started to feel sick in my stomach. It's not that she's Christian, I like good Christians, my best friend is a good Christian, Samuel L. Jackson is a good Christian and even Dolly Parton is a good Christian. But it was the way Oprah talked about it, it didn't seem so much 'devout', as it seemed competitive, as though she was keen to show off how very Christian she was. That was then I started to think about it . . .

Oprah Winfrey is very Christian, competitively so, and Christianity advocates helping your fellow man; blessed are the meek and so forth. So I couldn't shake off the suspicion that every single charitable thing that Oprah Winfrey has ever done, was tainted with selfishness. I couldn't help but question whether everything that Oprah has ever done for another person, was because she thinks it will impress either other Christians or her Judeo-Christian god. Because when you do something according to a bible, you're not doing it for morality's sake, you're doing it for your religion's sake in the selfish hope that you might earn your place in heaven. And every time I see Oprah Winfrey now, I can't help but feel like she doesn't do charity because she cares about other people. I feel like she's merely acting "charitable", for either some competitive Christian edge, or because she believes that it will get her a ticket to the good afterlife.
Does that mean that I don't appreciate the charity? Of course not. I like that poor people are getting money; I like that people are getting educated and I like that she's given scholarships to those needy students. But that's just her money, I like Oprah's money, but I don't like Oprah. In fact, I hate her. Because she represents the same thing that so many people on this list share, she presents herself as one thing, when deep down I see something different. On the outside, offering kindness and charity; but greedy and selfish, rotten at the core. Acting empathetic, while rounding up damaged people like a freakshow for the purposes of view ratings; giving credence to unprofessional advice and pseudoscience, suckering in fools that follow her & lauding over her many adoring fans that, for their obsession, have been called "the Cult of Oprah". And if that doesn't make you hate Oprah, well, then you're much more forgiving than me.


Well, that's my list. Perhaps in the future, I will write a much nicer list, a list of celebrities I like. But I plan to get my Duke Forever post done next, so I hope you enjoy that, and any "Celebrities I Love which you Hate" list will have to wait.
I'm the Absurd Word Nerd and until next time, if you like these celebrities, well, you're part of the problem. But if you too hate them, don't worry, you're not alone and you're not the only sane one left.

Friday 18 April 2014

Visionary

Wow, I've fallen behind quite a lot. I do apologize, but I've been working on this anthology story and it has been surprisingly time consuming. But, since I've completed a sizeable chunk of that story, I feel like I can peel myself away for a while to reward my faithful readers.
Now, after this post, I won't return until I finish that story, and even then, there will just be one post before the next Duke Forever (which will take a short while) but hopefully you will enjoy this post in the meantime, to tide you over before that next project. And today, I have something on my mind that I want to talk about.

See, yesterday, I got new glasses. Well, I got new lenses and kept the same frame, but it's essentially like having brand new glasses and so the experience has got me thinking about glasses, in general. Because I have always felt like there is a kind of romantic ideal when it comes to wearing glasses, both in the sentimental sense, and in the chivalrous sense. Because I'm near-sighted, and without my glasses, I can only see things that are about a foot away from my face, so when I'm with my Beloved, I can take off my glasses and wholeheartedly say: "All I can see . . . is you."
 . . . and wholeheartedly mean it in every sense of the phrase.
But being an old-fashioned romantic is not all there is to owning glasses. In fact, you could say, that wearing glasses is, in so many ways, spectacular. The Word of the Day is: 'SPECTACLE'
Spectacle /'spektəkəl/ n. 1. Anything presented to the sight or view, especially something of a striking or impressive kind: The stars make a fine spectacle tonight. 2. A (large) public show or display: The coronation was a lavish spectacle. 3. (pl.) Eyeglasses; A device to aid faulty eyesight or to protect the eyes from light, dust, etc., consisting usually of two glass lenses set in a frame, especially with pieces passing over or around the ears for holding them in place. 4. Often, Spectaclesa. Something resembling spectacles in shape or function. b. Any of various devices suggesting spectacles, as one attached to a semaphore to display lights or different colours by coloured glass. 5. Obsolete A spyglass. 6. Make a spectacle of oneself, to call attention to one's unseemly behaviour; behave foolishly or badly in public: They tell me I made a spectacle of myself at the party last night.
There's something about owning glasses which I experienced yesterday, which someone with unaided vision will never have seen for themselves, but I want to do my best to share that with you in this post. After all, what is the point of being able to write, if I can't use it to share unique experiences?
So I want to walk you through my experience of walking home with new glasses; because, seriously . . . woah, it was trippy.

Yesterday, I recieved a text message saying my new lenses were ready, so this morning, I walked to the shopping centre where I'd had my eyes checked. The shopping centre is about 30 minutes away through a park, by a busy road, past an open field and through some trees and a suburb. That's not important now, but it's an important part of foreshadowing for later in the story that I walked through the place oblivious of my surroundings because I'd seen it before, it was dull.
I went to the shop, the lady asked what I was there for, I said "I'm here for my new lenses" so she sat me down and asked for my glasses, so she could fit the new lenses into the frame. So, I sat on the couch thingy, and gave her my glasses.

Now. I am quite blind without my glasses. As I said in the pre-definition statement, I am near-sighted, and because my field of vision is half a metre or so, I can't see shit with the naked eye. I can read up close, and often take off my glasses to read books (which confuses people who are used to reading glasses), but without I just stare awkwardly and blankly around, trying to make out shapes, and seeing only fuzzy blobs.
Then the lady gave me my new glasses to try. I put them on, and I immediately could see her face. She wasn't old, so don't think that, but I could see the natural wrinkles, freckles and features of her face, so I knew it was working, but when I looked past her, to the wall of glasses, my vision was warped. Not "blurry" so much as out of focus. They may sound like the same thing. My usual blurry just looks like the colours between shapes start to "spread out" and blend, as the light diffuses within my misshapen cornea, but this was more like the bokeh blur, like on artsy photographs. I told the lady that it was blurry, so she took the glasses - because they weren't sitting straight on my face - and adjusted it to see if that helped.
Admittedly, this time my blindness felt so pronounced because, for a second, I could see up close really well. She gave me the glasses back and the glasses sat straight, but the same problem was there. I could see the shop assistant, but stuff further away looked out of focus. The lady told me to go for a walk, because sometimes it takes a while to adjust, and if there was still a problem I could come back.

So, I went for a walk. And as I stepped outside, I felt shorter. I experience this all the time when I get an upgrade to my prescription, but this time it was much more pronounced. I was used to it, but you might find it odd, so allow me to explain:
When someone says you have 20/20 vision, they mean "Something 20 feet away from you, looks as it would 20 feet from a healthy eye". I don't have 20/20 vision, mine is probably closer to 20/120 these days. Which means "Something  I can clearly see at 20 feet, looks as it would 120 feet away from a healthy eye". Something like:
 ๏  ๏: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .X. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Brain: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .X.
However, because my eyes have been like that for so long, my brain sort of equalized it. It got used to having bad vision, so it came to an understanding "yes, something that looks that far away is close, that's fine", so it evened it out:
 ๏  ๏: .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .X.
Brain: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .X.
This is a rough illustration, but yeah, my brain understood that stuff that's close looks shitty, as though it's far away. But when I put my glasses on, it corrected the shitty vision disparity from the first picture. So when I put in my new glasses, my brain compensated before my eyes knew what was happening:
⌐□-□: .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .X.
Brain: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .X. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
So, I felt like I was half a metre tall.

And as I walked around, I realized that that was the problem. My eyes had gotten so used to focussing on stuff up close, that I wasn't actually looking at the stuff far away. And when I actually focussed my eyes . . . wow. It is so weird looking around at the details of the world, because I found myself glancing everywhere, drinking in all of the stuff I hadn't been able to see for so long. The scratches on signs, the wrinkles on faces, the texture of surfaces. I was glancing around like a kid in a candy store, trying to decide which sweet they wanted most. Except I was sampling all of the treats, with my eyes.

Anyway, because my glasses were working, I went home. And I couldn't stop staring at the grass. When you look at grass, you probably ignore it. But as I walked, I found myself staring at the ground. Because of the shortening illusion, it felt like it was within reach. I only ever see it that close when I'm crawlign on all fours, so I felt like I could reach out and touch it. But as I moved my hand into view, I started staring at it because it looked so small, yet when I looked at my palm, it felt big, because it was up so close. I swear, Sean Lock was right, normal people have to take drugs to feel like this . . .

Now, as I was walking I was starting to get a headache. This was a combination of things. Firstly, I'm a little photosensitive, and it was a bright day. Secondly, despite my optometrist's suggestion, I hadn't been exercising my eyes enough. See I read books and look at computer screens a lot, up close; if you do the same, it's a good idea to exercise your eyes by looking into the distance on occasion, so that those muscles in your eye which allow you to do that, don't wither or atrophy. So, when I started getting headaches, I remembered that advice, and started staring at trees as I walked past. So that I'd see the in the distance, then watch them as I got closer.
At first, I was just exercising my eyes. But after a while, I was doing it because it was fascinating. I swear, I felt like I was wearing 3D glasses. Now, that might seem weird - of course it was like that, this is the real world it's always like that - but I mean it. Everything usually looks dull to me. But because I could see it in such detail, and I was watching it slowly turn (from my perspective) in that space. It was like my world was once on a little cathode-ray tube box television, and had been swapped out for a high definition flatscreen.

But the weirdest part of all, because I was so unused to seeing everything, I realized that I wasn't turning very much. See, half-way through the walk home, I had to turn around to check for traffic, because I had crossed onto the island in the middle of a U-turn bay and was seeing if there was a car coming. But as I turned, I just sort of scanned about, turning really slowly.
At first I didn't understand why. But after I crossed the road, I looked around and I realized that I was doing it because there was so much in my new field of vision, that it felt thick to me. It was like my eyes were wading through a new soup of visual stimuli. So when I turned, I was still drinking it all in, and didn't want to turn too fast, in case it was all too much.

And in fact, it was too much. When I got home, my eyes hurt from all the "exercise" they'd been getting and I had a headache. So I took my glasses off and had a shower.
Thankfully, I'm better now. My eyes have finally adjusted to the new magnification and I feel normal again, and I am happy to say that I am writing this blog post, touch-typing and watching the words fill the screen through my new lenses.

So, that's what it's like to get new glasses. It's a weird experience and I'm almost sad that it's over. It really opened my eyes to the world - literally and figuratively - because we take vision for granted. But when I could see each individual blade of grass; every tiny beetle on the ground; every line in the bark of the trees; every single grain of dirt on the footpath & every single detail the world had to offer, I realized how spectacular, vibrant, detailed and beautiful it really is . . .

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd and until next time, although I won't experience that same feeling again, I can always change my perspective and experience the world in a new way. It's as simple as removing my glasses . . .

Sunday 6 April 2014

Insane Asylum, or How to Get Away with Racism

I want you to imagine, for a moment, that you're having a nice, pleasant evening in your home. You're just at home, maybe watching Game of Thrones and eating dinner, when there's a panicked knock at the door. You go and see who it is, and open the door. Then, behind the locked flyscreen door, you see your neighbour, she lives on your street, you've seen her watering her garden some days, but she doesn't speak much English, so you never got to know her, but you always were kind of scared, because you hear loud arguments from their house at night some times, but you don't understand what they're arguing about. Now here she is, standing on your doorstep and she looks terrified. Then, in broken English, she asks you if she can come inside, for the night, because her husband has threatened to kill her and she's scared - she makes it perfectly clear that he said he would kill her.
She's not holding a weapon and you've never seen her be violent, she came here because your house was the closest one she could get to. She just looks terrified, standing on your doorstep and she wants to come inside, so that she can feel safe. What do you do?

I'd like to think there are some kind people that would let her inside. I know it's scary, she's a stranger and you don't know her. This isn't always black and white, perhaps you would call the cops for her (or on her) but when someone is in need, I'd like to think that at least some people would help her.
But if you were the Australian Government, I know exactly what you'd do. You'd close the door and say "Go home". Or, even worse, you'd step outside, grab that woman by the arm and walk her to another neighbour's house, much further down the street. You'd put her there and tell her to stay there (despite the fact that your neighbour, called Papa, doesn't want her there),then go back home and continue watching Game of Thrones. My metaphor is starting to break down, but my point is, the Australian Government would be a racist arsehole to that poor woman.

How do I know this? How could I possibly make such libellous statements about the callous reaction of my own government to a woman in need? It's because there's a precedent. It's happening right now, and I want to tell you about it, because not only is it absolutely disgusting - it's literally criminal. The Word of the Day is: 'ASYLUM'
Asylum /ə'suyləm/ n. 1. Obsolete A home for the care of the insane, the blind, children without parents or the like. 2. A sanctuary as formerly for criminals or debtors. 3. International Law A refuge granted political refugees: Political Asylum. 4. Any shelter offering safety.
The hypothetical situation I just described reflects the current situation in Australia, whereby many, many people are fleeing from persecution - and execution - in their home country, yet we are refusing them entry to our country. Australia has taken to calling these people "Boat People", because many of them arrive by boat. I know that a lot of people don't like foreigners coming to this country, but those people are usually racist. I want to sidestep the racism thing, first. I mean, I can't entirely - that's a huge part of the issue - we'll get back to that, but I want to put it to the side for a moment, because I want to talk about something important.

A lot of people seem to agree with this policy of Australia, and there's a huge political campaign at the moment called "Stop the Boats" whereby Australia has put in place operations that either refuse these people entry into Australia by towing their boats to neighbouring countries; returning them to their home countries or deterring them from leaving their country in the first place.

Now, let me be clear here - we need to stop calling them "Boat People". The only reason we call them Boat People is because of Governmental Propaganda. Because they're not "Boat People", they're Asylum Seekers; they're Refugees, they're people seeking sanctuary from their own country, because their government wants them dead, or they're seeking safety from a country which is unsafe for them.
Now, one might look at this and say "Yeah, but they're breaking the law, they're illegal immigrants", but that's not the case. Although it is true that these people are entering Australia without a visa, there's a reason for that. Australia will refuse to grant a visa to persons from certain countries. But more importantly, it is not illegal for a person to seek asylum without a visa, in fact, it's a Human Right. And whether or not you believe that, Australia does. Or, at least, it did at one point, when it voted in favour of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the Convention relating to the Status of Refugees. One of the many rights we grant immigrants is the Right of Asylum.

So, when the Australian government refuses to allow asylum seekers to their persecuting countries, it breaks the international law known as "non-refoulement", which forbids countries from returning victims of persecution to their persecutor. It's not the "Boat People" that are breaking the law, it's the Australian Government.

Unfortunately, this isn't the end of the issue. Because even if you get past all of that. Even if, as an Asylum Seeker, you get past our boat-towing policies and off-shore resettlement policies and somehow make shore in Australia, we also have a strict policy of Mandatory Detention for illegal immigrants that arrive without a visa, which we continue to implement on these asylum seekers.
Now, I personally don't like this policy, but I understand it. It's basically a little safety check, at least that's the idea, stop people, make sure they're not criminals, make sure they're healthy; make sure they're not carrying third-world country diseases and make sure they are genuinely fleeing from a country that would persecute them. Like I said, I personally don't like it, but I could never convince people that a little spot-check does more harm than good. It makes sense . . . in theory.
However, in practice,the conditions within these centres are worse than most prisons; the buildings are dilapidated and unsafe, there's little to no privacy, the food does not provide enough nutrition for the many children that have been detained & and the majority of detainees have increased suicidality and suffer from depression and/or post-traumatic stress disorder.
And these people have to live in (and with) these conditions for at least at year, and at most, for the rest of their natural life as there is no maximum time limit for detention, and there are a number of deaths and suicides in these facilities. Then, after all that, there's still a high chance that their appeals of asylum will fall through and they won't be granted entry to Australia, instead they'll be sent right back from whence they came.

But it doesn't even stop there. It gets worse, because Racism is a big issue in Australia (I told you I'd get back to that). We have a high number of migrants in this country, 27% of Australians were born overseas (according to the Department of Immigration and Border Protection, June 2011), and since the original Australians are technically Aboriginals, and they only amount to 2.5% of the overall population (according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, 2006), then 71.5% of Australians born in this country are descended from migrants, we have a huge multiculture.
So to me, it doesn't make any sense to cast this distinction. Because so-called Boat People are immigrants just as much as we were, the only real difference is that we got here first. In fact, many of the first Australians were criminals with records, and they were treated better than we treat innocent asylum seekers. But that's not what I want to talk about.
I want to talk about the fact that Australia has a heavy racist undercurrent. And many reports state that Racism is on the rise, not only with increased coverage of racially motivated crime, but the Scanlon Foundation's Social Cohesion Report  has found that in 2013 the percentage of individuals discriminated against because of their ethnicity, skin colour or religion had risen to 19%, the highest it has ever been recorded, since the Foundation began this annual study, in 2007.

Now, it's just extrapolation on my part, but is there not reason to believe that part of the reason why racism is on the rise in this country, is because these immigration policies encourage racism?
There's no room for interpretation here, our policies are telling people to stay out of our country, we are removing incoming boats that try to enter this country and we are telling them to go away and stop trying to come to this country. Actions speak louder than words, so I think these actions are much worse than some thickhead racist telling Asian people to "Go back to your own country". This is the worst kind of racism - it's "approved" racism, government sanctioned and supported by the people that are supposed to be the leaders of this country.
So, that's how you get away with racism, in this country: Be the Government.

We shouldn't be unlawfully forcing people to return to persecution, we shouldn't be forcing them into dilapidated, unsafe and torturous facilities & we shouldn't let the government get away with discriminating against people just because they're foreign.
I may say all the time I'm a narrator, not a dictator; but this is unlawful, it's violating human rights, it's cruel and unusual punishment for innocent people and it's just flat-out wrong.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I am disgusted that this is the way my country treats victims of persecution. It's unAustralian.