Monday 11 August 2014

Bloodbath

<< < Chapter Nine > >>

Edison sat on the couch by the door as the Duke wandered around the Lift console, adjusting levers and checking the computers.
  “So, where are we going this time?” asked Edison.
  “I'm still considering that,” said the Duke. “I haven't quite decided.”
  “How do you decide?” asked Edison. “Is there some masterful path that we're following?”
  “At the moment, I'm investigating Earth's timeline,” said the Duke.
  “Hmm?” grunted Anise, leaning heavily against the console.
  “I am still trying to determine who exactly the Eighty-Eight are. The Traveller seemed quite familiar with me, and implied that we have some common history, but I have yet to experience that for myself.”
  “Alright then. When are we going?” asked Edison, with a smirk.
  “Well . . . why don't you decide, Inspector?” asked the Duke.
  “Decide where we're going?” asked Edison.
  “Exactly,” said the Duke, cranking a lever which fired up the time rotor. “To which time shall we travel? You choose. Any time in Earth's preceding history or awaiting destiny.”
  “I'm not quite sure,” said Edison. “Most history, to me, is more interesting to be read, not lived.”
  “There's nothing in your planet's history that interests you?” asked the Duke. “It's over four billion years old, and you don't think any of that history is interesting?”
Edison considered this for a moment, rubbing his face. When he looked up waving a finger thoughtfully, the Duke smiled.
  “Eighteen Eighty-Eight,” he said. “April, either the seventh or the eighth.”
  “Oh?” said the Duke, setting the temporal co-ordinates. “You seem to have changed your mind. May I ask the significance of that date?”
  “I like murder mysteries,” said Edison. “And that was the start of one of the most famous, unsolved mysteries in the history of the English police force.”
  “So, you wish to find the answer? I like the sound of that, Inspector,” said the Duke, then he yanked the ignition lever. The ship began to slowly rock back and forth as they span backwards through time, the temporal engines groaning, creaking and moaning.
The Duke manned the controls, adjusting their course as they flew, to maintain a steady flight.
  “Duke?” murmured Anise. “I don't . . .”
Suddenly, Anise collapsed against the console. Alarms started beeping and the ship groaned and whined.
  “Anise!” screamed the Duke. He ran over, but the ship had swayed towards him and he had to ascend the incline.
  “What is it?!” Called Edison, as he ran over to help.
  “She's activated the weapons' targeting system!” said the Duke. He carefully slid Anise to the floor, laying her down and Edison headed over to tend to her as the Duke deactivated that octant of the console, silencing the alarms. Edison was still too far away, so before returning to the helm, the Duke leaned down to Anise on the floor.
  “Are you alright?” he asked.
  “No . . .” she said, her eyes turning glassy. Suddenly, she sat up and bit him in the neck.
  “DUKE!!” screamed Edison.
The Duke cried out in wordless pain, his hands slowly reaching to grab Anise but they grew weaker and weaker as she dug her teeth deeper into his flesh.
Edison was at a loss for words. More and more alerts and warnings started to flash on the console as Anise drained the life out of the time lord. Finally, the Duke's body collapsed on top of her, but Anise pushed him aside, he fell on his back, two small, slightly bloodied punctures in his neck standing out from where she'd bitten him. Edison was at a loss for words as he looked at the unmoving form of the Duke. That's when the ship crashed.

Edison flew from his feet. His back hit the far wall of the console room and he fell forward onto hands and knees. Anise held tightly onto the console to ride out the crash, but it was all over in less than 10 seconds. A high-pitched shriek followed by a thunderous boom as they collided with something, then hissing steam, fizzling sparks and a shift in momentum as they felt the impact.
Edison staggered to his feet and assessed the situation. The console was beeping and chirruping warnings as sparks erupted from the top of the column. The time rotor was still grinding and wheezing, but the ship was motionless. The Duke had slid closer to him, and Edison could see his cold, lifeless eyes. And Anise stood by the console, her teeth - and fangs - bared.
As quickly as his shaking hands could muster, Edison drew his gun and pointed it at Anise. After a moment's hesitation, he turned off the safety.
  “Stand back, you!” he shouted, his voice wavering and fearful, full of adrenaline. “Don't you make me pull the trigger!”
The woman before him was a stranger, but he recognized her face as Anise. The expression was foreign, but the body was hers.
  “Please . . . don't make me.”
Anise hissed angrily,
  “Help . . . me!” she growled through gritted teeth. Then she turned and ran for the door. It opened automatically and she fled. Edison wasn't sure how to react, he felt like he should follow her, but the Duke's body was still lying on the floor in front of him. After a moment of pointing his gun at the open door, he returned it to his belt pack and leaned down next to the Duke. He placed two fingers against the Duke's neck, closed his eyes and silently begged for a heartbeat. He felt a slow, calm pulse in the Duke's neck, and was relieved, but the Duke wasn't moving.
  “Duke?” said Edison. He tapped the Duke's cheek, but due to his nervous energy he ended up lightly smacking his face four times very quickly. “Duke, wake up.”
The Duke didn't move.
  “Duke?” said Edison. and he tapped his other cheek, starting to panic.
The Duke sat bolt upright and inhaled deeply.
  “JESUS!” screamed Edison, almost jumping out of his skin.
  “Inspector . . .?” the Duke said, coughing. “I feel terrible.”
  “You're terrible? You scared the crap out of me, I nearly had a heart attack!”
  “I suppose you could say the same of me,” slurred the Duke, he wiped his hand against his neck and looked at the blood on his fingers. “Help me get to my feet, would you?”
Edison nodded to himself and grabbed the Duke's hand to lift him up. He was quite heavy and when he was on his feet he had to lean against the console to stay upright.
  “What the hell just happened? What happened to Anise? Where the hell did she go?”
  “I've lost a lot of blood, Inspector,” said the Duke, shuffling along the console and talking slowly, “so could you ask one question at a time?”
  “What happened to you?” asked Edison.
  “Could you please get me a bandage? There's a first aid kit in the compartment there.” said the Duke pointing to the far wall. Edison headed over to the wall, with alternating squares and octagon pattern in the metal. He clicked a roundel panel which popped out a handle, and he pulled it up to open the wall compartment like a roller door.
“For reasons which . . . I don't know, Anise attempted to drain all of my blood,” muttered the Duke. “She damned near would have succeeded, but one of my hearts stopped beating, to stem the flow of blood.”
  “Your heart stopped?”
  “Yes, but the other one kept me alive,” said the Duke. “Two hearts; twice the . . . circulation system. Means I kept enough blood to survive . . .”
Edison found a square, metal box with a green crescent moon symbol on it and brought it over to the console. He opened it and found a bandage inside, but it looked soiled with damp patches of some orange substance alternating along the entire thing.
  “I think it's dirty,” said Edison, holding it up. The Duke took it from him anyway.
  “It's medicine,” said the Duke. He unrolled two feet of the bandage and tore it off with his teeth, then tied the piece of cloth around his neck. “It will absorb into my skin, and help to heal and clean the wound.”
  “Alright, but what about Anise?” asked Edison. “What the hell happened to her?”
  “I have no worldly idea . . .” said the Duke.
  “It's like she was a vampire.”
  “A what?” said the Duke. “Help me to the couch, would you?”
  “A vampire,” said Edison, as he held the Duke's arm to walk him across the room. “They're a myth. They grow fangs, drink blood and burn in sunlight.”
  “I can think of several aliens with those characteristics,” muttered the Duke as he sat down, sighing heavily as he did so. “But, Anise is not one of them, she's human.”
  “Yeah, but vampires are said to be undead humans.”
  “Un-dead? Do you mean 'alive'?” asked the Duke, frowning deeply.
  “No, undead. Y'know, dead, but not really dead.”
  “Anise isn't dead,” said the Duke. “And she's not a vampire. She's a human that's been infected with . . . something.”
  “Something? That doesn't help at all.”
  “Edison . . .” growled the Duke. “I'm trying very hard not to pass out right now, could you permit me some breathing room?”
  “Right, right. I'm sorry,” said Edison, running a hand through his blond hair. “But what are we going to do now?”
  “First, I'm going to need a drink of water. Second, we're going to find out where we are, and try to figure out what's become of Anise . . .”
The Duke sat his head back on the couch. He looked very tired as he closed his eyes and exhaled deeply.
  “Then what?” asked Edison.
  “Then . . . then we bring her back.”

Edison helped the Duke to rehydrate with water from the lower decks and got him back on his feet, but he was still severely weakened, stumbling from the couch towards the console.
  “We're looking for a parasite,” said the Duke grabbing the console to stand. “Whatever she has, it's not airborne, waterborne or passed by skin contact since otherwise, we'd be affected . . .” the Duke said, he spoke fast but he was slurring some of his words. “It's not bloodborne, since I'm unaffected. It must be an insidious parasite.”
He shuffled around the console until he found the right section.
“And it must have an incubation period, since she hasn't been alone for over two days, so she must have ” the Duke paused for a moment. “Unless she was bitten by something while in your presence, such as when I was kidnapped by the Traveller.”
  “Hold on, wait wait wait . . . how do you know we aren't affected?”
  “Because we're not showing symptoms,” said the Duke.
  “But she wasn't showing symptoms either until she up and bit you.”
  “ . . . fair point,” said the Duke. He shuffled to the right and started typing on an oddly-shaped keyboard. Edison watched the holographic screens appear, two circles each showing an image of both himself and the Duke which said “Full Body Scan in progress”. After a moment, the images flickered through their skeletal systems, circulatory systems and muscles. Finally the scan completed, and floating letters appeared beside each of the circles.
the first read: "Edison - Full Body Scan Complete - HEALTHY" and
the other read: "ρ1Θη0 - Full Body Scan Complete - HYPOVOLEMIA"
Each of the diagnoses had a section of fineprint underneath, with the detailed results of the comprehensive scan.
  “What the hell is that?” asked Edison, pointing to the Greek letters.
  “That's my name,” said the Duke, dismissively. "Neither of us are infected.”
  "But you're low on blood," said Edison. The Duke smacked the panel and the holographic screen vanished. Flicking a switch, a slightly transparent, blue hologram of Earth appeared, about the size of a basketball.
  “Thank god we're still on Earth. But where on Earth?” asked Edison.
  “There,” said the Duke, pointing to a blue square on the holographic globe, situated in above in the Mediterranean sea, in the middle of a Western European landmass.
  “Where exactly is that?” asked Edison, squinting.
  “I don't know  what it's called,” said the Duke. “I'm not from here, remember.”
  “Well, I don't know where it is either, I suck at geography. What about the year?”
  “Sixteen hundred and nine.”
  “Alright . . . that doesn't help much either.”
  “Then we'll have to work it out as we go,” said the Duke. “Come on, we'd best be going.”
The Duke stepped away from the console, but rather than walk to the door, he stumbled to the far wall, over the Persian-style rug and leant heavily against the wall next to a wooden umbrella stand with gold trimmings.
  “Duke, this is ridiculous, you can barely walk.”
  “I'm fine!” growled the Duke. He leaned down and he retrieved a short, black and silver rod of some sort from the umbrella stand. It was a foot long, had an ornate handle which looked like a doorhandle set atop a ring and chrome bands around the ends. The Duke clenched the handle and with a little schwick! of metal it quickly extended into a walking stick. The Duke leant on it heavily and walked towards the door, which opened automatically.
  “Why do you have a walking stick in your control room?” asked Edison.
  “I had weaker legs in my youth,” said the Duke heading into the lobby. “Now, enough questions. Come on, Inspector. The longer we wait, the harder it will be to find Anise.”
As soon as he stepped into the lobby, the Duke slammed into the right wall and cried out, more from shock than pain.
  "Duke! Are you alright?!" yelled Edison as he ran over to help. But he watched as the Duke lifted his legs off the floor and knelt sideways. "What the . . .?"
  "The ship landed at an angle," said the Duke, rubbing his sore arm. "Watch your step."
The Duke opened the door and climbed out, with considerable effort. Edison was fascinated as he walked into the lobby. Out the door he could see the dark horizon, green hills and the shadows of tangled, twisted trees; but it was all sideways, tilted almost seventy-five degrees counter-clockwise from his standing position.
Edison reached both hands into the lobby, and by swivelling on his foot he rolled inside and fell onto both hands, and found himself pressed against the wall via gravity, arms out, as though he were doing push-ups, he was staring straight at the glass wall, and through it he saw brown dirt and he could hear running water. He shuffled out of the door sideways, stepping over the door jamb and stood up.
  "That was weird," said Edison, rubbing the mud and grass off his hands. After cleaning most of the muck off his hands, he took his flashlight from his belt and checked his surroundings. He turned to see the ship, using his flashlight to see. The Lift was in the guise of a glass, cylindrical elevator, with metal on the roof and base, each etched with fine details, and it was sitting in a one-foot deep moulded divot in the grass created by the force of its impact with the ground. along the ground behind it was a smear of mud that began at the river nearby.
He turned around to see the Duke looking off in the distance, hunched slightly because of his walking stick.
 "So, where do we start?"
  "We know one thing for sure about our parasite," said the Duke, before turning around to face his companion. "It drinks blood, so it will probably be looking for more."
  "So, we're looking for people?"
  "Or animals, yes."
Edison started walked away from the river and scanning the ground with his mag-lite as he slowly made his way up the embankment.
  "What are you doing, Inspector?"
  "I'm inspecting," said Edison, he rose up to the top of the slope where there was a dirt path and then scanned the ground with his flashlight. “Well, looky here . . .”
  “What is it?” asked the Duke as he hobbled up the embankment.
  “How many people do you know that would have rubber-soled sneakers in the sixteen-hundreds?”
The Duke joined Edison and saw a detailed shoe-print in the dirt path.
  “Is that an anachronism?” asked the Duke.
  “No, it's a shoeprint. But it doesn't belong in this time period, it can only belong to Anise.”
  “Good work, Inspector. Lead the way,” said the Duke, gesturing along the path. Edison began walking down the path, with the Duke keeping up pace behind him, the dirt crunching underneath their feet.
  “Is this really what we're doing? Hunting down Anise?” asked Edison. “I mean, it's Anise.”
  “It's her body, not her mind.”
  “But what do we do when we catch her? Before she ran, she spoke to me. She said 'help me' . . . is Anise still in there somewhere? Or was that the parasite, playing tricks?”
  “I don't know, Inspector. But that parasite must be weak. It fed on me the instant it gained control, so it must have been starved. Perhaps she was still fighting it when she spoke to you. In either case, if we get to Anise quickly enough, we can restrain her, return to the ship and use the ship's equipment to disinfect her.”
  “That's a brilliant plan, Duke. But you seem to be forgetting that I have no idea how to catch a vicious, vampire infection-bug Anise-thing. And you're half-drained of a vital fluid. How are we going to restrain Anise? Wave your cane at her?” asked Edison.
  “You know, there was a saying back on Rathea . . .” said the Duke, sounding exhausted as he spoke through gritted teeth. “Don't question the duke!”

Anise watched the town precariously balanced atop a gnarled bough. It was almost entirely silent, still and dark. Almost. Her eyes stalked the quiet streets, scanning for unwary prey; she looked the picture of a predator, but behind those eyes she was terrified.
The Duke is dead. The Duke is dead and I killed him . . .
What's that movement? . . . just a rabbit, not worth the effort.
I watched the life drain from his body . . . I'm a monster . . .
There! The peasant woman, old but full-blooded. They watched as an old woman wandered out of a simple, stone house, headed to the privy.
No no no, please, no! Don't hurt her! she screamed, and tried to stop herself. All these voices in her head, it was difficult to tell them apart. Anise had so little control, but managed to tighten the grip of her fingers on the tree branch above, she wanted to hold back, to hold herself there, keep the monster here.
  “Let go,” Anise snarled. If you could stop me, you would have saved the alien.
I won't let you do this.
  “Stop . . .” Anise grunted through gritted teeth. “Help . . .”
Her fingers wouldn't loosen, but with a loud snap! Anise yanked the branch off the tree. Anise's eyes flickered back to the peasant woman, she was looking off towards them, trying to find the source of the sound.
Anise growled, viciously. Now it will try to run, we'll have to rip it's throat . . .
No! Please. stop this!
The more you fight me, the worse it will be for both of us . . .

Edison and the Duke moved at a steady pace along the path, despite the Duke's limp, headed into a little village. The sun had yet to rise, but there was a soft, blue light in the sky so they could see the small cobblestone and brick houses around them, many with large yards fenced in around them for farming. However, Edison concentrated on the ground, watching with his torch.
  “Her footprints have definitely disappeared,” said Edison as they wandered deeper into the village.
  “Perhaps the ground is firmer here,” muttered the Duke.
  “No, look,” Edison turned around and pointed the torch behind him. “See? You can just see my footprints. The arch there. The toe . . . I think we're going the wrong way.”
  “We're definitely not going the wrong way,” said the Duke.
  “What makes you so sure?”
  “I can smell blood . . .” said the Duke, gesturing along a side path with his free hand, leaning his right on the walking stick. “Down that way.”
The pair of them walked slowly down the path, but Edison's torchlight quickly fell on the body in the middle of the road.
  “Oh my word . . .” muttered the Duke. He stood over the body, leaning heavily on his cane as Edison knelt down to inspect the body. She had collapsed and was lying a a grisly, disconcerting angle. Her legs played like the hands of a broken clock, stark and lifeless.
  “She's as pale as paper,” said Edison, grimly. “Her legs have been broken and her throat has been, slashed.”
  “No blood fell on the ground,” said the Duke. “Only upon her gown.”
  “But she's anaemic. She must have been drained as well . . .” said Edison. He leant forward and touched the woman's cheek. “Cold, but not freezing . . . in this temperature, she couldn't have been killed very long ago.”
Edison stood up, still looking down at the body in his torchlight.
  “I don't know, Duke. This is getting serious if she's killing people.”
  “We have to continue on the trail. Has she left any more footprints?”
  “Not that I can see . . . she mustn't be running along the path anymore. I'm not good enough to follow a trail over the grass,” Edison said glancing at the fences either side, and the houses. “We'd best get moving, we don't want to be spotted when the townspeople wake up.”
  “But where do we go next, Inspector?” asked the Duke.
  “I don't know, Duke . . .”
  “You're an Inspector . . . inspect,” growled the Duke. “You're not thinking clearly. Consider: she fell on her back, and was slashed on her front, which means Anise was facing . . .”
The Duke limped around to stand at the foot of the body. “ . . . thusly.”
  “Well, leaning down,” said Edison, then he frowned slightly, “ . . . but the look of the blood on her gown means she was standing when her throat was cut . . .”
  “So if she ran, she would have fled that way,” said the Duke, pointing down the road.
  “Not necessarily. She ran up that way, she could have turned back,” said Edison. He moved back down the road. “Duke, over here.”
The Duke turned to see Edison pointing his torch at a deep shoeprint in the packed, dirt road. It was a lot clearer than the shoeprints they had been following.
  “She jumped,” said Edison, pointing at the nearby house. “Off that roof or perhaps the fence. She must have jumped down here for the force to have left this imprint.”
Edison turned around, following the point of the shoeprint's toe-tip, and it lead right back to the body.
  “That explains how we lost her footprints along the path,” said the Duke. “She's not running along the path.”
  “Then, we're stuffed” said Edison. “If she's not running along the path, then how can we follow her?”
The Duke inhaled deeply as he considered.
  “You're forgetting something, Inspector. I can smell blood.”
  “I can't,” said Edison. “What does that mean?”
  “This poor woman's body was exsanguinated,” said the Duke. “But I can still smell it, off in that direction,” said the Duke, pointing over the houses on the other side of the path.
  “You think you can smell Anise?” asked Edison. “What are you, a bloodhound?”
  “No, I just have experienced senses,” said the Duke, glancing at Edison. “It's a common trait amongst Gallifreyans.”
  “Galley-what? I thought you were . . . like, Rathean.”
  “I'm a lot of things. Quickly, now.”
The Duke began limping down the path, following his nose towards their quarry.

The pair of them crossed the river and followed the path around as the sun began to rise at the cockerel's call. Atop a large hill before them, they saw the side of a stocky, stone castle, masterfully hewn and visible from far across the land now that the sun lit it.
Edison returned his torch to his belt as the path before himself and the Duke curved, to lead around to the front of the castle, where presumably another path lead to the entrance. But the Duke stopped and stepped away from the path, turning towards the brush which was scattered around the base of the hill. There, he stood and looked up at the castle.
  “Drat . . .” growled the Duke, softly.
  “What is it?” asked Edison.
  “The scent trail leads this way,” said the Duke, pointing up to the top of the hill. “And, as you can see . . .”
  The Duke lowered his gesture to point to something shining white in the light of the sun. They were torn and broken, but they were unmistakably a pair of white running shoes.
  “Do you think she knows we were following her?” asked Edison.
  “No,” said the Duke. “Most likely, she needed bare feet to climb the hill.”
  “But why? Why would she go to the trouble to climb up to the castle?”
  “She hunts in the dark, perhaps she rests in the day. It's a large building, big enough to hide in.”
  “Well, how can we get inside?” asked Edison. “We can't go up that way.”
  “I'm afraid we'll have to get in the old-fashioned way. Knocking on the front door.”
  “You think they'll let us in?” asked Edison.
The Duke untied the bandage from around his neck and put it in his pocket.
  “They'll let in a duke,” said the Duke. “Go fetch those shoes, and we'll make ourselves look a little more presentable, shall we?”
  “The shoes? What for?”
  “We're in a different time, Inspector. This is no place to be leaving temporal litter, as there's no telling who might pick it up.”
As Edison picked up the shredded remains, the Duke checked to see what was in his pockets. when he returned, the Duke took the shoes and stuffed them into a large pocket near the base of his leather coat. Then he used his old bandage and wrapped it around Edison's neck, folding it into a loose knot, hiding the soiled portion of the cloth within the knot, the Duke tied the bandage into a makeshift cravat, tucking the torn ends into the v-neck of Edison's grey shirt.
  “There, much more regal. You'll be my valet, do you understand?”
  “Not really. How are we going to catch Anise if we're busy playing valet?”
  “We'll ask very nicely.”

The Duke slammed his fist into the large gate several times, sending echoes through the morning stillness.
  “I'm the Duke of Rathea, and I demand you open this door!”
  “Uh, Duke?” said Edison, in a harsh whisper. “Do you really think we'll get in their good books by waking everyone up ten minutes after sunrise?!
  “It's a matter of emergency, we have to find Anise.”
  “But we can't tell them that! If we say Anise is a vampire, they'll probably burn her at the stake.”
  “Then we'll withhold the knowledge that she's infected with an alien parasite. We'll tell them she's . . . sick.”
  “Why will they listen to us anyway?”
  “I told you, Edison, I'm a duke. Open this door!” yelled the Duke, banging the gate again.
  “Hold up, sir,” called a voice from above, from out of the window of a guard watch box.. “We hear you, the messenger's just announcing your arrival.”
  “Thank you!” called back Edison, before turning back to whisper to the Duke. “That's another thing, you can't be 'Duke of Rathea' here.”
  “Well, what do you suggest?”
  “I dunno. Say you're the duke of . . . Russia or something.”
  “The duke of what?”
  “It's a country. I think they have dukes. Or czars of something . . . what's important is that Russia isn't thirty billion lightyears away.”
  “Two point five million,” corrected the Duke. “But alright, if you insist. I'm the Duke of Russia.”
After a few minutes, the doors slowly opened, and revealed behind them a large, well-tended garden and courtyard, and in the middle of the path stood a dwarf, well-dressed, but not ornately. Duke and Edison were speechless for a moment.
  “Hello, comrade,” said Edison, putting on a bad, Russian accent. The Duke slowly turned to look at him.
  “Don't do that again,” he said. He turned back to the little man. “Good morning, sir. I'm the Duke of Ra-Russia. I apologize if this is early, but this is an emergency. Are you the master of this domain?”
  “I am Fizckó,” replied the man. “I serve Lady Trencsén, but I'm afraid she has no time for visitors at the moment. I'm sure you understand.”
  “I'm not sure you understand, sir,” said the Duke slowly as he limped a few steps towards the little man. “I'm the Duke. And this is an emergency. There is a killer loose in your castle. Decorum be damned, man! Your lady is in danger!”
  “A killer?” asked Fizckó. “And you two know who he is?”
  “Anise Trevino,” said Edison.
  “Come this way,” said the man, turning and waddling down the path. It looked as though one of his legs were shorter than the other, as his gait leant to the left. The Duke and Edison followed, walking calmly as he walked briskly on short legs.
“The word from castle guard is that a man snuck into the castle in the morning hours, at the change of the guard. If he supposed he'd not be seen in the confusion, he was mistaken, there were more eyes to watch him scale the wall.”
  “It's not a man,” said the Duke. “Anise is from my own palace, and she is a very cunning woman.”
  “Aren't they all, sir?” joked Fizckó. “We're on alert, just protecting the silver and linen.”
  “You'll need more than that,” said the Duke.
The lot of them passed through another secure door before entering the castle, proper. There were attendants by the door and Fizckó approached the nearer man.
  “Tell Lady Trencsén that there's a criminal in the castle, and two guests looking for them: The Duke of Russia and his man.”
The attendant disappeared into the castle. It was surprisingly warm and well-lit for a stone castle. With lush carpet, detailed portraits, and exquisite architecture and furniture. There were more servants in the castle, many could be seen walking swiftly around in the areas through the open archways.
  “So, this killer lady of yours,” said Fizckó, “she must be mighty important if the Duke of Russia is after her. With the troubles in Muscovy, it's odd that you would travel so far after one girl. And with only one man.”
The Duke considered this a moment.
  “She's my daughter,” he said, clicking his fingers. “Yes, daughter, you understand my dilemma?”
  “Only too well,” said Fizckó.
From deeper in the castle, they heard the fussing of handmaidens, then a well-dressed woman entered the room, with a trail of servants behind her. her skin was pale and her hair was brown, and woven neatly behind her. She wore an exquisite, red dress with a high collar, frills and embroidery common of that era. And she had wide, expressive brown eyes, but their only expression was one of mild disinterest as she approached the duo.
  “May I introduce, The Right Honourable Countess of Trencsén, Báthory Erzsebet.”
Edison frowned for a second, then a look of horror.
  “Bat-tory?” he murmured to himself. She stood before them, looking cold and humourless.
  “Who are you?” asked the Countess, sounding bored. then suddenly she shouted at Edison “Address him, man!”
  “My Lady,” said Edison, flinching. “Uh . . . The Great Duke of Russia . . .uh . . .”
He glanced at the Duke, but he offered no help as to his name.
“Piono . . . Trevino.” he managed.
  “Your Serenity,” said the Countess, “why are you in Slovakia?”
  “We're here after my daughter,” said the Duke. “She fled from me, and we believe she has breached your castle, hiding somewhere within.”
She stared at the Duke in a way that made Edison uncomfortable. Her eyes didn't move a millimetre, unflinching.
  “Breached?” she said, the word foreign on her tongue.
  “She snuck in, my Lady,” said Fizckó.
  “Another one?” she said.
  “The same one. The thief is a woman,” said Fizckó.
  “And a killer,” said the Duke.
  “ . . . You're here to get rid of the thief in my castle?” she asked the Duke.
  “Absolutely,” said the Duke. She considered this a moment, glancing back and forth between the two of them.
  “Oh, thank God,” said the Countess. She put a hand to her face, suddenly tearing up. She waved another dainty hand at her face as though to fan the tears. “That monster of a woman! She's killed my bedmaid!”
  “My Lady?” said Fizckó, confused.
  “Yes, in the gardens! I saw her there.”
  “Would you come with me?” Fizckó asked the pair of them.
  “Of course,” said the Duke and they followed the man again, this time through the castle.
  “Duke . . .?” whispered Edison.
  “What is it?” asked the Duke.
  “We're in terrible danger,” said Edison. He glanced at Fizckó and spoke quieter. “That's Elizabeth Bathory.”
  “What does that mean?” asked the Duke.
  “You know, Eliz- . . . that's right, you're not from here,” sighed Edison.
  “Is everything alright, sirs?” asked Fizckó, turning to look at the pair of them.
  “Yes, what is it, Edison?” asked the Duke, stopping and staring at him. Edison glanced at Fizckó warily, he knew the dwarf couldn't be trusted.
  “Bathory is . . .” Edison considered a moment. “Steeking.”
  “Pardon?” asked the Duke, then in a low growl through clenched teeth asked “How do you know that name?”
  “Deep in your ship, I met him,” said Edison. “And she is like him.”
  “It's this way to the gardens, sirs,” said Fizckó.
  “I understand,” said the Duke, replying to Fizckó, but looking at Edison. “Completely.”

The woman was battered and bruised, all over her arms and face., and the lower half of her dress was covered in blood. She had been discarded in an area surrounded by a large, stone wall and filled with trees.
  “What do you think, Inspector?” asked the Duke, sadly.
  “It's a classic case, Duke . . .”
  “What do you mean?,” asked Fizckó. “A classic case of what?”
  “Uh, Anise,” said Edison. “. . . 'Anise' is famous for torturing young girls. burning or cutting their thighs. Beating them. They say it's a . . . beauty thing.”
  “You're saying there are two monsters here?” asked the Duke, quietly.
  “No,” said Edison, but he raised his eyebrows and nodded his head.
  “Well, that explains why she was attracted here,” said the Duke. “The smell of blood. I thought it was her, but we were following the same trail.”
  “She's trying to pin it on her,” said Edison.
  “In any case, this won't lead us closer to her,” said the Duke.
  “She won't come here?” asked Edison.
  “She already did,” said the Duke, he pointed up at the stone wall. “Even from up there, she could see the blood has dried.”
  “Then this is a dead end. No clues as to where she is.”
  “Who is she trying to blame?” asked Fizckó. “I don't understand, this is simple murder, isn't it?”
  “She's blaming it on Anise,” said Edison. “I mean, Báthory.”
  “What are you two playing at?” asked the dwarf, stepping closer. “The Lady Trencsén is not involved in this grisly business.”
  “Of course not,” said the Duke. “However, our quarry is hiding in the castle, somewhere. We'll need to search it, top to bottom.”
  “Our own men are searching every room.”
  “They won't be good enough,” said the Duke. Fizckó considered him a moment.
  “I'll ask the Countess.” Fizckó turned and waddled back into the castle.
  “He can't be trusted,” said Edison. “History says she had a few accomplices, one of them a little cripple named Fizckó.”
  “No one can be trusted,” said the Duke. “Even we can't be trusted. Lies upon lies, it's making my head spin.”
  “So, are we going to go searching rooms, then?”
  “No, she's mobile, if we search each room one by one, she'll just keep moving. What we need is a way to track her.”
  “Mobile . . .” said Edison.
  “Yes, she moves quite quickly.”
  “No, mobile,” said Edison, he opened up his hiking pack and took out his iPhone. “Everyone in London has a mobile phone, but no one in this era would. Can't you track something like this?”
  “What is it?” asked the Duke, stepping closer.
  “it's called a mobile phone, you dial a number and it calls another phone, so you can talk between them.”
The Duke took the phone from Edison's hand and reached into his coat, retrieving his laser spanner.
  “Can you call her now?”
  “Well, no. You need a cell tower to transmit the signal, and they won't be built for four hundred years, and I don't know her number.”
The Duke pointed his spanner at the phone, a series of coloured lights flickered from the two prongs of the spanner and the screen of the phone flickered with graphical glitches and programming code.
  “This uses a primitive signal . . .” muttered the Duke. “But the range is impressive, I can relay the signal through the timeship's communication system. Use that as a rudimentary
'cell tower'. You say Anise has one of these?”
  “In all likelihood, yes. Can you track it?”
  “No,” said the Duke. “We'd have to go back to the timeship to hone in on her device. However . . .”
The Duke selected the keypad and dialled a number. After a few seconds, they heard an electronic ringing sound from within the castle. With a glance at one another, the two ran after the sound.
  “How do you know her phone number?” asked Edison.
  “I don't,” said the Duke. “I set it to call every other phone on Earth, simultaneously. Luckily for us, there's only one here.”
  “You're a genius,” said Edison.
Slipping past some servants, the duo came to the stairs and made their way up as quick as they could. Edison grabbed the Duke's arm to help him, but as they reached the top of the stairs, the phone stopped ringing.
  “What happened?” asked the Duke, glancing at the phone in his hand. “Does it only ring for a short time?”
  “It rings longer than that, usually,” said Edison, then he joined the Duke looking at the phone. He saw the call timer slowly ticking away. “She answered the phone . . .”
The Duke looked confused, so Edison took the phone from him.
  “Anise? Is that you?” he said into the phone, as they climbed to the top of the stairs.
  “I don't like being hunted,” said Anise, but she spoke without her usual chavish accent or enthusiasm, it obviously wasn't Anise herself speaking, but the parasite speaking through her. Edison also heard someone else moaning in the background of the call.
  “The ringing came from that way,” said the Duke, pointing down the corridor. They walked slowly down the hall.”
  “You started it,” said Edison. “We're looking for you.”
  “I know. I want you to stop.
  “Why?”
  “What is she saying?” asked the Duke.
  “I don't want to die-” Edison pressed the loudspeaker “-you're trying to stop me. I did nothing to you, and you're trying to kill me.
  “We don't want to hurt you,” said the Duke.
  “We don't?” said Edison under his breath. The Duke ignored him.
  “However, you've taken our friend, and we want her returned.”
  “She is ours,” said the parasite within Anise. “Without her, we cannot survive . . . Stop Me!
Suddenly Anise growled and they heard more struggling and moaning on the phone.
  “Down there,” said Edison, pointing to the far room. They ran over and burst in. They found a bedroom, and by the bed Anise was standing with phone to her ear in one hand, and her other held a handmaiden, arm around her neck grabbing the lower half of the girl's jaw with her hand, the long claws ready to tear out her tongue. Both of her hands had claws, several inches long, her toes were also sharper, as were her teeth, bared, and blood stained her purple shirt.
  “I thought you'd find me,” said the parasite. “So I brought a friend.”
The servant girl looked terrified, but couldn't speak or scream with Anise's fingers in her mouth.
  “Don't hurt her, don't hurt anyone else, we just want Anise back,” said the Duke.
  “I killed you,” said the parasite.
  “I'm not that easy to kill,” said the Duke. “Tell me what you are, and I can help you. I can take you somewhere safe, where people like me won't try to stop you.”
Anise shakes her head.
  “You want me dead, I can see it. The Eighty-Eight wanted to kill me too, just for feeding. I need to feed, or I'll die!”
  “Not on humans,” said the Duke. “You drank my blood, so if you can feed on other creatures, I can take you to a world with animals larger than this continent. You could feed for a lifetime on one creature. Just give me back Anise.”
The parasite looked interested but still fearful. The maid in her arms wailed, tearfully.
  “I can't sleep until they die,” growled the parasite. “I feed until I sleep. If I can't feed, I die!”
  “It's not always that simple,” said the Duke.
  “You're lying! You're the Eighty-Eight! You're lying to me! You're all lying! . . . Let go.
  “Anise?” said Edison.
  “Help me . . . No!” the parasite screamed and dug its fangs into the maiden's neck, the girl began screaming.
  “Anise!” yelled the Duke.
Bang!
The stone wall behind Anise popped and pieces of debris went flying as the bullet hit it. The maiden dropped limply to the floor and, in a panic, Anise leapt across the room, and slipped out the window. Edison was breathing heavily as he lowered his gun.
  “Edison . . .” the Duke stammered, shocked. “You'd shoot her?”
  “What the hell else was I going to do?!” screamed Edison. “She would have died.”
He bent down to check on the woman.
  “She's just fainted,” said the Duke, dismissively. “We need to return to the ship.”
  “What? We can't leave now,” said Edison, he crawled over the carpet and picked up Anise's phone which she'd dropped as she fled. “We can't track her anymore.”
  “I know how to track her now, but we'll need to return to the ship,” said the Duke.

The residents of Cachtice Castle were keen to throw out the Duke and his meddlesome companion; thankfully they were done playing Russian with the Báthory lot and went back to the ship. Edison spent the trip, explaining the history of Elizabeth Bathory to the Duke, and wondering if they were contributing to the vampire myth. The Duke didn't speak at all, not until they returned to the ship, still laying on its side by the river.
  “Help me lift this, will you?” asked the Duke. Edison assumed it would be heavy, due to its contents, but the Lift weighed no more than what it appeared to be; it wasn't light, but together they managed to stand it on its base. It was smeared with mud and stood slanted on the riverside, but it was much easier to enter. Then the Duke walked right inside.
  “You said we can track Anise with this?” asked Edison.
  “Yes,” said the Duke, as he hobbled over to the console.
  “How?” asked Edison. Hooking his cane to the edge, the Duke typed on the computer section of the console. A holographic screen appeared which read 'T.T. Capsule Information System'.
  “When it was screaming, the creature described its life-cycle: feed, die, sleep - it gave me all the information I need to narrow down the species. A parasitic, mind-controlling, teratomutating bloodsucker with a life-cycle of infection, consumption, then hibernation.” The database responded by opening a file, with the spinning image of a luminescent, fat, blue worm and several lines of data titled 'Gemohane Leech'. “Gee-mow-ha-nay . . . it could be no other.”
  “Alright, how do we track it?”
  “Heat. This leech comes from a much colder climate - hence the hibernation - Anise will be several dozen degrees hotter than a regular human . . . ”
  “Alright, let's track her,” said Edison. The Duke typed in some information into the computer.
  “Already done,” said the Duke. Then he leaned against the console, head down.
  “Okay . . . now what?”
  “Now, we need to come up with something brilliant,” said the Duke.
  “I believe that's your department,” said Edison, with a smirk, but the Duke continued staring at the console.
  “I'm a fool,” said the Duke.
  “What are you on about?” asked Edison.
  “It's my fault,” said the Duke. “The Eighty-Eight. The creature kept talking on and on about the Eighty-Eight. It must have come from the warehouse.”
  “What warehouse? What the hell are you talking about, Duke?”
  “Before you came aboard, Anise asked to travel with me. I felt that I owed her that much and I thought it would be safe. Then we met with soldiers in a warehouse stockpiling alien artefacts. We escaped just in time, but she left my sight, she must have been infected then.”
  “So, why does that matter?”
  “Because it was my fault!” screamed the Duke, turning around. “She was there because of me! I left, but I came back from Rathea to travel with her! It's my fault she's was infected, it's my fault she's a murderer and it's my fault we're in this mess! If I had stayed on Rathea, this never would have happened!”
  “What do you want me to say, Duke?” said Edison, looking confused. “Do you want me to say 'It's alright'; 'it'll be okay'? . . . I'm out of my goddamned league, here. You can't go losing your head now as we get to the home plate. I can't do this without you, I didn't understand half of what you said. Meanwhile, that Anise-leech thing is out there, raising hell.”
  “I don't know what to do, Edison,” said the Duke. “If it were anyone else, I'd just kill them. I don't know how I can save her . . . But I don't think I have the hearts to kill her . . .”
  “Hey! We're not killing anybody!” yelled Edison. “You're the Duke of Rathea, man! Think! We have this database in front of us, surely we can use it to identify some kind of . . . Achilles heel. Does the Gemohane leech have a weakness?”
The console beeped behind the Duke, and the page of data scrolled down and enlarged a specific portion.
  “Biological weaknesses of the Gemohane leech,” Edison read aloud. “That's helpful.”
  “How did you do that?” asked the Duke half-mindedly as he read the screen.
  “I dunno. It's your ship . . .” muttered Edison.
  “Fragile skin membrane. Must feed regularly. Here,” the Duke pointed at the holographic screen. “Highly susceptible to alcohol, even small traces, induces vomiting and disorientation.”
  “Alcohol? So, we throw some beer in her face and she's fine?”
  “No, it says the skin membrane is fragile. We need her to drink it,” said the Duke.
  “How the hell can we do that? Throw a kegger?”
  “She drinks blood, doesn't she?” asked the Duke. “If I drink enough alcohol for it to diffuse into my blood, she need merely drink it, and the leech will lose control.”
  “You're gonna get drunk?” asked Edison, he smirked at the thought, then frowned. “Duke, you can't. You're still low on blood from the last time she bit you. Do you want her to drain the other half?”
  “I'll be fine,” said the Duke.
  “No,” said Edison, he unwrapped the cravat from his neck and handed it to the Duke. “I'll do it.”
The Duke was grim-faced, he didn't like the idea, but nonetheless he nodded his approval.

The Duke descended into the ship's cellar and returned with two large bottles of a dark liquid he called “an antique vintage of black wine” and a silver goblet decorated with blue stones. After only two glasses, Edison was feeling lightheaded. By the third, he was starting to go red in the cheeks and had to sit down.
  “Are you alright, Inspector?” asked the Duke.
  “Uh, y-yeah . . . of course of course.” said Edison, flopping his hand dismissively.
  “Have you never drunk wine before?” asked the Duke. Edison laughed out loud.
  “Nope,” he said. “Have you?”
  “When the occasion calls for it. But never this quickly,” the Duke said, refilling Edison's goblet. “You're going to be terribly dehydrated in a few hours, but I daren't dilute your blood-alcohol.”
  “I can't see you drinkin',” said Edison, drinking. “I can't see you doin' anythingk fun. Nothing that doesn't involve the . . . the 'world' coming to an end.”
The Duke just watched, stoically, as Edison sipped more wine.
“I think you like it,” said Edison.
  “Like what?” said the Duke, humouring him.
  “The world endin'. Or hay-liens attacking. And before? You wanted an Anise to bite you.” Edison pointed an accusing finger, forgetting that he was holding wine and spilled it on the console room tiles. “Oh, shit.”
  “It's alright,” said the Duke, leaning forward. he took the remnants of the bandage-cravat from Edison's pocket and used it to wipe the floor.
  “I think you're dangerous . . .” Edison whispered to the Duke, leaning next to him. “Sometimes . . . it's like you got a death wish.”
  “On the subject of danger,” said the Duke, standing as Edison quaffed the wine, “And tongue-loosening liquids, I'm curious, Edison. How did you get aboard my ship?”
  “I walked on,” he said between sips.
  “How did you get past the door?” asked the Duke, topping up his goblet.
  “You left it unlocked.”
  “I didn't,” said the Duke. Edison seemed to consider this for a moment, but instead just giggled.
  “I'm the Duke of Russia . . . Rarr ra ra . . .” he said, then he started laughing uncontrollably.
  “I think you've had about enough . . .” said the Duke. He took the goblet from Edison's hand and returned to the console. Placing the cup by the glass column, he accessed the computer. With some quick typing, he located the human lifesign with anomalous heat signature, and plotted a course. The Duke then unhooked his cane from the edge of the console and walked around to the helm.
  “Hold onto your seat, Inspector,” said the Duke.
  “There aren' any seatbelts!” said Edison, giggling.
The Duke pulls the ignition lever. The console room shuddered, as they lifted off the ground. The time rotor wheezed and whirred as the Lift rose off of the ground and disappeared into the clouds.
  “We should adjust our visage to something a touch more modern,” said the Duke, as he shuffled around the console. He swiped at a touchscreen, flipped a switch, twisted a dial and pressed a button, in response the ship hummed softly. “Much more apropos.”
The Duke leaned against the console walking back around, double-checked his co-ordinates, then steered the ship through the air, they slowly meandered through the sky, then the Duke sent the Lift quickly downwards. The gravity in the ship seemed to lessen slightly as they flew down. He attempted to slow their descent for a softer landing, but as they hit the ground with a firm bump, dropping the Duke to the floor.
  “Duke!” slurred Edison, he stood and tried to run over to help his friend, but fell over instead and started giggling to himself.
  “Anise is close, now,” said the Duke, straining as he picked himself up from the floor. “Now, we need to set up our . . . 'trap'.”
  “Can you help me up?” asked Edison “I seem . . . hmm, to have lost my feet.”
The Duke looked over at the policeman, as he struggled to reach for his cane.
  “I'm starting to suspect that this was a bad idea . . .”

The Lift had been re-camouflaged as a red stagecoach, and the Duke was sitting within as Edison stood outside, standing crooked and occasionally swaying and wiggling to catch his shifting weight. They had landed beside a large copse of trees, far from the homes and trails around, although they could still see the hilltop castle over the trees.
  “Anise!” Edison called out. “Come out, come out, wherever you are!”
  “Don't go yelling, Inspector,” the Duke called from the window.
  “I thought we were trying to catch her,” said Edison, turning around.
  “Yes, by luring her towards you. You're the bait. Yelling is doing nothing . . . except annoying me.”
  “Well, how . . . hexactly is she going to find me?”
  “She'll smell you,” said the Duke. “Sense your heat.”
  “Smell me . . .” murmured Edison. “Then shouldn'n I smell like blood?”
  “ . . . perhaps.”
Edison starts staring at his hands, then sticks his thumb in his mouth. He slowly gnaws at it, but starts making pained noises.
  “Gah! That hurt,” he says, looking at his thumb. “It didn't draw blood.”
The Duke sighs heavily, picks up the wine bottle and his cane and steps out of the carriage. He walks up to Edison and in one quick move, swipes the metal handle of the cane across the back of the policeman's hand.
  “Ow! You scratched me!”
The Duke raises an eyebrow and waits patiently for Edison to get a clue.
  “Hey, look, I'm bleeding!” Edison says excitedly, pointing at the thin, red line on his hand.
  “Here, have a drink,” said the Duke, holding out the bottle. “We need to keep your blood-alcohol at levels toxic to the leech.”
Edison takes a swig, frowning at the taste.
  “This stuff is really bitter,” he said.
  “Well, it's very old. Be thankful it's not vinegar,” said the Duke. He took back the bottle and returned to the carriage.
Edison folded his arms and stared at his shoes as the minutes ticked by. The sun was getting higher in the sky, approaching midday.
  “Duke . . .?” said Edison.
  “Yes?”
  “Duke . . . I don't feel so good,” said Edison.
  “You are unhealthily inebriated,” said the Duke. “I'm sorry, but . . .”
  “Butt?” said Edison, turning to the carriage again. However, the Duke had fallen silent. Within the forest, he could see a dark figure moving and they were moving very fast. It dashed through the upper branches of the trees, he couldn't see Anise, but he knew it was from the speed and ease of her movement.
“Duke? What're you . . . I feel sick.” said Edison. Suddenly he retched, and threw up black wine and bile onto the grass. As he did, Anise took that moment of weakness as a chance to attack. He wiped dark spit off of his face with his sleeve as Anise grabbed him from behind.
  “Chess,” groaned Anise as she hesitated for a second, then bared her fangs and sank them into his neck.
  “Guh-argh!” Edison groaned as he felt the cut into his neck. Anise fed on him hungrily curling her claws around his face, holding him tightly. The Duke watched her feed from Edison, waiting for the alcohol to affect her, but as the seconds ticked on, it felt less like he was poisoning the parasite and more like he was watching another one of his friends die.
  “Edison!” screamed the Duke, leaping out of the carriage. Anise didn't react, she continued to feed. The Duke limped quickly towards her, when Anise made a strange rumbling noise in her throat, like a guttural growl, which made him stop short. At first, the Duke thought that she was growling at him, but with a snort she dropped Edison, spat out a vibrant spray of crimson blood, speckling the Duke's coat with blood and then she started coughing heavily.
The Duke saw that Edison was bleeding from two puncture holes in his neck, and was glad. Dead men don't bleed, so for now at least he knew the Inspector was alive.
  “What have you done?!” shrieked the parasite, and she screamed like bloody murder.
  “It's alright!” yelled the Duke. “I'm not here to kill you!”
  “Liar!” screamed the parasite, blood dripping down Anise's chin as it yelled. “You're killing me!”
In a mad fit, she ran at the Duke and shoved him back. With inhuman strength, she sent the Duke flying back several metres, landing at the foot of the carriage with a sickening thump.
Anise started pulling at her hair, screaming in pain and confusion.
It was then, with cool, calm precision and drawn to the sound of screams, that Countess Báthory entered the clearing. The skirt of her dress was red with blood and she held scissors in her hand.
  “You shouldn't scream so loudly,” said the Countess. “Someone might hear you.”
The Duke tried to jump to his feet, he tried to run and stop the Countess, but he was sore and weak. Edison was still collapsed and bleeding on the ground. Before he could even sit up, Anise ran at Báthory with animalistic rage. With one slash of her claws, Anise shredded the front of Báthory's dress and shoves her back, but she's starting to look sick and woozy. Báthory attacks, slashing with her scissors driving a shallow cut along Anise's neck and collar bone, then pushes her down.
  “You're a murderer,” said Báthory, seething with anger. “But you're no better than any of my girls! You'll be mine as well!”
Thwack! 
A cane smacked Báthory in the side of her head. She stumbled and dropped her scissors, but didn't fall. She regained her bearings and tries to pick up the scissors, but the Duke grabbed them as well, and they both fell to the ground, struggling, the Duke on top trying to pry the scissors from her grasp.
  “You can't hurt her!” screamed the Duke.
  “She's a demon! She had to die!”
The Duke took the scissors from her, but then Bathory bit the Duke on the neck. She didn't have fangs, but her teeth dug in painfully. The Duke cried out as she threw him off and stood up. The parasite was very weak now, Anise's body was seizing and convulsing on the ground. Báthory walked over and grabbed her by the neck, dragging her back to her feet. Holding tight with both hands, the Countess was cutting off Anise's air supply, suffocating her with her bare hands.
  “You're . . . mine . . . now . . .”
As Anise's face turned red, suddenly she vomited blood. A torrent of scarlet covered Báthory, as a dimly glowing, blue, slug-looking creature slid out of her mouth as well, landing on the sodden ground. In shock, Báthory stumbled backwards, coated with blood on the slashed front of her dress.
  “How dare you!” she screamed. She turned back and saw the Duke, still holding the scissors in his hand as he lay on the ground. She marched over and stomped on his wrist, then yanked the scissors from his fingers. Anise looked scared and confused as Báthory turned back towards her, her teeth reverted to normal, the claws on her hands and toes grew brittle and snapped off, and she saw the murderess heading for her.
  “I'm going to flay you like a braying lamb,” Báthory threatened as she stalked towards her prey, relishing the moment before she would stab her in the heart. She held up the open, metal blade.
Bang!
A flourish of forest fowl took flight, and Báthory stopped dead in her tracks. She placed a hand on her chest as fresh, bright blood spilled from the bullet wound. She was in utter shock, and after a few seconds, she collapsed to the ground. Edison, still lying on the ground, pointed the gun away and struggled to get to his feet.
  “Oh my god! Chess!” said Anise.
  “Anise?” said Edison. “Is that you? As in you you?”
She nodded, but there were tears in her eyes.
  “Oh my God . . . oh my . . .” she fell to her knees and wept, as she saw the blood everywhere. Edison got to his feet, and made a beeline for the Duke.
  “Come on, buddy,” he said, offering a hand. The Duke got to his feet, and the two leaned against each other to stand upright.
  “Anise?” said the Duke. But she looked absolutely devastated, and she sobbed louder.
  “I'm sorry . . .” she said, between sobs. “I'm so sorry!”
  “It's not your fault,” said the Duke. He leant on his cane and walked over to help the girl to her feet. It was a struggle, but he got her to her feet, and he walked her to the carriage-shaped Lift. Ge sat her in the seats then turned to Edison, who was staring at Erszebet Báthory as she lay on the ground. The Duke walked over to join him.
  “What is it?” asked the Duke.
  “I've stuffed up, Duke,” he said. “Big time. I've stuffed up.”
  “What is it?” he said.
  “I shot her,” he said, pointing at Báthory. She wasn't dead, but she was slowly dying as she lay on the ground, bleeding. “She doesn't die, now. She dies locked up. I've changed history, I . . . I really messed up.”
  “She won't die here,” said the Duke. He leant down and picked up the scissors from the ground, then walked over to the patch of blood thrown up on the ground, where there was a fat, blue, iridescent leech almost three inches long, probing around blindly for blood and warmth. With a groan, the Duke leant over and pinched the scissors with the end of the scissors, not enough to cut through, but enough to pick it up.
  He then turned to the body of Báthory at his feet, and dropped the Gemohane leech on top of her.
  “What are you doin'?” asked Edison.
  “The leech's abilities will allow her to heal. Together they will survive.”
  “What?!” said Edison, shocked. “No! This is wrong! You're letting the leech go?! After everythin' it did?!”
  “History says she will be punished and locked away” said the Duke, watching as the leech bit into Báthory's abdomen and slipped under her skin. “I am guaranteeing its capture and death.”
Edison shook his head.
  “This is wrong, they'll only kill again,” he said.
  “History needs its heroes as well as its monsters, Inspector,” said the Duke. “We cannot choose what should and should not have happened.”
  “You've already made a choice, to do nothing,” said Edison.
  “It's been a long day, Inspector,” said the Duke. “So forgive me if I have to remind you once again: Don't. Question. The duke.”
The Duke turned and returned to the Lift, and after a few seconds of hesitation, Edison joined him.
They entered the control room, and saw Anise leaning against the console, covered in sweat. There were some light smears of blood on her hands and her hair was a wet, ragged mess.
  “Anise?” said the Duke. But as she saw him, fresh tears spilled into her cheeks.
  "Oh GOD!!" she screamed, as she collapsed to her knees. "No!"
  "Anise, calm down," the Duke said sternly, like an order. But she didn't.
  "All those people!" she shrieked. The Duke dropped his cane by the door and quickly marched over to her, taking a knee beside her.
  "This is not your fault, it couldn't be helped," he whispered.
  "I . . . I can't," she sobbed. The Duke looked at her, sorrowful, as she cried.
  "Anise," he said, placing a finger under her chin and tilting her head up to look him in the eye, "You are an innocent girl, you don't deserve any of this."
  "How can you call me innocent?" she cried, tears smearing the make-up on her face. "All those people?"
  "I know, it's unfair," he said. "But don't worry, I can fix this . . ." The Duke helped her to her feet.
  "How can you fix this?" she asked, her crying stopping for a moment, a glimmer of hope in her voice. Edison leant on the couch as he watched the Duke comfort Anise.
  "Look into my eyes," said the Duke. Then he stepped forward, and with one hand around her waist and another cradling her cheek, he closed his eyes and kissed her.
Edison was speechless and he dropped his jaw as the two of them embraced. It was a passionate kiss, warm and soft, and the Duke held her as she slowly wrapped her arms around him as well and as he leant into her she lost herself in that moment. Finally, after a few seconds, they slowly disentangled from one another and Anise opened her eyes again.
  "Whoa . . . where am I?" she asked. Her eyelids drooped and the Duke leant her down on the ground as she fell asleep.
  “What the . . .? Duke!” yelled Edison.
  “Be quiet,” said the Duke. “She's asleep.”
  “Wha- . . . wh-w- . . .What the fuck?” stammered Edison. “She's traumatized, and you kiss her?”
  “In order for our minds to communicate, I needed to be in close proximity. I held her close to bond with her thoughts, so that I could take away her memory.”
Anise lay peacefully on the ground, her pleasant slumber a shocking contrast to the blood and sweat all over her body.
  “You kissed her . . . to make her forget?” said Edison.
  “Yes,” said the Duke.
  “What the hell is wrong with you?” asked Edison. He stumbled as he stepped towards the Duke, but despite his blood loss and drunkenness, he managed to stand and think properly. “That's your solution? Just wipe her mind - poof! Gone! Pretend it never happened?”
  “It should have never happened,” growled the Duke. “She didn't ask for this . . .”
  “I always knew you were dangerous,” said Edison. “Is this what you do? You trounce around space-time, spreading damage, then when you royally bugger it up, you just make everyone forget?”
  “I won't forget!” roared the Duke. Edison fell silent as the Duke slowed his breathing and tried to calm down. “I can't forget, but she can. And a sweet, young, innocent girl like her shouldn't remember such monstrosity; to be traumatized for life for something that was entirely my fault. This mistake was mine, I deserve to live with the consequences; she doesn't.”
Edison was still upset, but rather than argue, he sat down on the lounge and wiped at the bite mark on his neck, which was still bleeding.
  “I just have one more question,” said Edison. “Will she remember that you kissed her?”
  “No,” said the Duke, glancing back at Edison. “And you won't tell her, either. It would do her more harm than her memories.”
  “Then did you really need to kiss her, to do your mind-meld thing?”
  “That's two questions,” murmured the Duke, he was silent for a moment before he turned to his friend. “Inspector, I understand that my actions are changing the course of people's lives. Don't think for a moment that I make my decisions idly. I understand the weight of my every deliberation . . . but as a duke, sometimes you have to make the big decisions. Even when you know that what you're doing is wrong.”
Pulling the ignition lever, the Duke manned the helm and rose the Lift up into the sky, above the clouds. After rising to a safe altitude, the Duke finds the first aid box with the green moon on the lid and walks over to Edison with it.
  “Here, we'd best get you healed, then clean up. And rehydrated,” said the Duke.
  “You said that history has its heroes and its monsters,” muttered Edison, as the Duke unravelled another length of healing bandage. “How do you know that you're not the monster?”
  “From experience,” said the Duke. As he tied the bandage around Edison's neck, he glanced towards the doorway, where his black cane had been discarded. “I wasn't always the best man I could be; but I'm learning from my mistakes.”
Edison watched as the Duke picked up the cane, then without using it he slowly limped around the room, to the umbrella stand. He clicked the handle, reducing the collapsible cane down to its portable length then dropped it into the stand.

Wednesday 30 July 2014

Who Spoils the Spoilers?

Well, I said I'd do another post before the next chapter of Duke Forever - Oh, speaking of:
"Duke Forever - Chapter Nine: BLOODBATH coming soon, only on the Absurd Word Nerd blog."
(ahem) Alright, now that the self-promotion is out of the way. I may do a third little pre-chapter blog post at this rate, since my Writer's Block isn't exactly going away, and I've only written about a third of the story so far. I know everything that's going to happen and I know how it's going to end, I even know some of the jokes and character development moments and scenes, I just need to put the words on the page, so that will be with you soon, fingers-crossed.

But for now, I want to talk about Spoilers. I mentioned last week, briefly, my girlfriend is helping me to write Duke Forever; but it's not just with my writer's block, she helps a lot to edit my work, and in so doing I have to reveal certain plot elements to her. She helps with grammar and story errors, so I reveal certain plot elements so that she can understand why I'm writing in a certain way and why I can't edit out some seemingly unnecessary story elements, even though they don't add anything to that particular chapter.
But at the same time, there are some things I won't tell her. I won't tell her who, what or when "The 88" is, I won't tell her what the Duke will look like when he regenerates into his next incarnation (as Time Lords are wont to do) and I won't tell her exactly how everyone on Rathea died.
Even though she's a part of the writing process, I won't reveal major spoilers, because she is one of the biggest fans of the story and I don't want to ruin her enjoyment of the story, even when she wants me to (and even if I want to). Because spoilers, believe it or not, are very important.
The Word of the Day is: 'SPOILER'
Spoiler /spoylə/ n. 1. Plunderer or robber; despoiler; plunderer. 2. A person or thing that causes spoilage or corruption. 3. A device fitted to an aircraft wing to increase drag and reduce lift. It is usually extended into the airflow to assist descent and banking. 4. A similar device fitted to a car. 5. Sport A team out of final contention that defeats a potential or favored contender and thereby thwarts its chances of winning a championship. 6. A magazine, newspaper, etc produced specifically to coincide with the production of a rival magazine, newspaper, etc in order to divert public interest and reduce its sales.
So, why is this an issue? Why am I talking about spoilers? Well, because for a while now "spoilers" has been a big thing on the internet. The term wasn't so well known a few years ago, but since April 2011, Spoilers became a facet of the internet. When talking about a movie, if you revealed one of the "twists" of the film, then you gave people fair warning, a Spoiler Warning, to let people know so as to not ruin their enjoyment of the film.
It became common practice, and it was good . . .
But then, as happens with everything popular, this soon unleashed a countercultural attitude. An attitude of "Fuck Spoilers". People started to get sick of all these spoiler warning, and they'd get annoyed when people asked about spoilers, so they started getting rude about it.
I've even seen people "brag" about how they reveal spoilers when people tell them not to, and say that they don't care about spoilers, and they find the whole matter to be more trouble than it's worth.
 . . .

Alright, let's talk. Because the problem isn't that spoilers can be frustrating, it's that you're doing them wrong.

For starters, Spoilers Are Important. Just look at that definition up there. Sure, it may seem outdated, it doesn't say "a twist or plot element of a story which will make a story less enjoyable if revealed to the audience beforehand."
But that's because it doesn't have to, because the meaning of the "Spoiler Warning" spoiler is up there already: "A person or thing that causes spoilage or corruption."
When you reveal spoilers, you spoil the work. That's not just a turn of phrase - that's exactly what it means, you corrupt a participant's enjoyment of a film if you reveal spoilers to them before they watch. There are a lot of stories that are reliant on the spoiler to work. The perfect example is a Murder Mystery. The main conceit of the story is that it's a mystery, you don't know who the murderer is (or, at least, you don't know exactly how the victim died). So, if I were to talk about Murder on the Orient Express, then it would be rude if I told  people who the killer was before they read it. Especially with Orient Express, because one of the reasons that that story in particular is so famous is because the murder itself was so unusual!

But it doesn't have to be a murder. An interesting example is "Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde" by Robert Louis Stevenson. I wanted to write an homage to that story for a novella I was working on, so I read the original story (and you can too if you want, it doesn't take long; and if you're going to, you should read that before finishing this blog post).
But did you know, in the original story, there was a Twist? There's no need for a spoiler warning, because by now you all know the twist: The twist is that both Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde are the same person.
Did you know that? Well, most people do these days. But in that story, it's written as a mystery and the whole tale is building up to that reveal:
"Why does Dr Jekyll hide away in his study for so long?"
"How is it that Mr Hyde can afford this apartment, despite never going to work?"
"Why would a fine gentleman like Jekyll befriend a criminal like Hyde?"
"Where has Dr Jekyll disappeared to?!"
It's well written, but the story is damned boring, because I knew the answer. And so does everyone else, so the original story is useless to everyone, because the major spoiler of that story is now a part of popular, Western Culture; you just can't read it and enjoy it the way it was meant to be enjoyed. Sure, we've made a whole bunch of other stories, parodies, homages, remakes & pastiches based on that story, but now the original is useless . . .

So, as you can see, a spoiler is important as it can make someone's entire work worthless, all that effort, tension and wordcount, made redundant. This not only makes it bad for the potential readers of that work, but also for the writer.

But, that leads onto my second point: I don't think we're doing spoilers right. Sure, The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is a book you shouldn't bother reading if you're hoping for a stunning twist, but does that mean I believe it shouldn't have been spoiled?
Well, no. Many interesting characters have been created because they've been inspired by the Jekyll/Hyde character, from interpretations of Smeagol/Gollum to Bruce Banner/ The Incredible Hulk. If that spoiler wasn't a part of popular culture, then those characters probably wouldn't exist, and that's a bad thing.
Heck, if I believed that it shouldn't be spoiled, then I would have given a spoiler warning for those last six or so people that haven't heard of Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde yet.

Another part of spoilers that people seem to get wrong is that not everything needs a spoiler warning. The reason that people which don't care about spoilers find spoiler warnings frustrating is because people who - like me - believe that spoilers are a good thing are overdoing it. Or, ultimately, doing it wrong.

For starters, Spoiler Warning and the like should never be said in interpersonal conversation (unless it's being said ironically). It should never be said for one simple reason, you shouldn't reveal spoilers, ever, in conversation.
And usually, people don't. But for those of you that don't catch on, here's how it works:
Person A: "Hey, have you seen/read/played/experienced [Title of a popular Story/Book/Film/Game]?"
Person B: "Yes, I have, [words of praise or derision (optional).]"
In this case, go right ahead, you can't "reveal spoilers", because the film already revealed those plot elements, you're clear. No need for warnings.
If however, the person replies differently -
Person B: "No, I haven't."
At this point, you shouldn't talk about the book/film/game. At all. Just don't, it really is that simple. There are some people that have bullshit rules "I only reveal spoilers if the film came out 20 years ago." or "If it's in black and white, I don't think spoilers matter." Uh, no that's not how it works! Because the ability for a spoiler to spoil doesn't diminish with time.
Even though it's crazy-old, The Jekyll/Hyde reveal still spoils that story. The Agatha Christie story I mentioned above, Orient Express, I still think that's a good story, so I didn't spoil it. That story is older than most of my readership, but I won't spoil it because it's worth experiencing for yourself, so if you have read it, don't spoil it. And that's the thing that SO many people get wrong - IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.
Some people say "Well, if they wanted to see it, they would have by now."
Those people are wrong and should be slapped. When you have a desire to reveal spoilers - or just to talk about a story which you've seen/read recently or enjoyed - it's not about you and never was, you selfish bastard, it's about the recipient of this information. This is why it shouldn't be used in conversation. Spoiler warnings exist for one specific reason - to prevent people on the internet from unwittingly spoiling their enjoyment of a film. Because it's impossible for everyone on the internet to experience a story at the same time, so to allow discussion for those that have seen the film (and wish to discuss it), you warn people about the spoilers to filter out those that haven't experienced the story, but would like to.
When these people hear "spoiler warning", they make a conscious decision whether or not they want to have the major plot elements of the story revealed to them. It's not up to you to make a judgement call over whether someone does or doesn't deserve to have a story spoiled. It's up to them. So when the option comes up, always ere on the side of caution and don't spoil it. It doesn't matter how old the story is, if they haven't seen it don't spoil it. It really is that simple.

Now, this might seem a bit draconian - never spoil. But, that's the thing . . . it really isn't. Because not every spoiler is a spoiler, if you get me. A spoiler is called a spoiler because, as I said above, it spoils the story, it corrupts it and makes something less enjoyable. But not all of the things that people call "spoilers" are spoilers.
I'm sorry, but you have to draw a line. In this modern culture where memes and pop-culture references are all the rage, plot elements from stories are going to pop up. You can't stop that. I'm sure many of you & have heard lines like "I'm the One who Knocks"; "It needs to be about 20% cooler"; "Winter is Coming" & "You Shall Not Pass". Many of these could be considered a kind of spoiler, but you can't expect people to not make these references, it's what fandom does.

So, no. I don't think it's an issue. These are what some people might call a "minor spoiler". It's like the fact that Dumbledore is gay, it's not a massive issue (despite what homophobes believe), but it changes the way one experiences the story, because they've been given information they wouldn't have otherwise.
But that's not a big deal to me. Not that I don't appreciate that some people find minor spoilers aggravating - I too find them a little bit frustrating - but in the case of minor spoilers, the onus really is on the recipient to avoid them. Because the thing is, they don't matter - not really. They're not really spoilers, because they don't spoil the film - they don't corrupt your enjoyment of the entire feature, they just spoil the surprise of that one, minor plot point. That's not a spoiling a film, that's revealing what happens. Spoiling that one moment, yeah sure, but not the film entirely - it's not a spoiler, it's just "prior knowledge".
Sometimes, I avoid all prior knowledge of some films, myself. The only reason for this is that there are some stories I want to see "cold", with no prior information. Once I know these kinds of movies are coming out, I put in the effort to avoid minor spoilers, I avoid talking about it, I avoid sites and shows that talk about it and I even mute trailers/advertisements for it. I avoid all of that, so that I can judge the film for myself, without any outside influence.
So you generally don't need to give warnings that your about to reveal this kind of information, because I'm already on the alert and avoiding it. Like, for the movie Frozen - I knew that I wanted to see that movie cold (lol, puns). So, I wouldn't watch ads for it, I avoided reviews for it and when "Let it Go" became the next, great internet meme, I avoided that as well. As soon as I saw any reference to the movie, I avoided it [and having seen it, I wrote a blog post about it a blog post which contains Major Spoilers, please watch Frozen prior to reading my musical analysis of the movie].
But I don't need a "Minor Spoiler" warning, because the title alone is the warning, if you want to avoid prior knowledge it takes a lot of effort - but it should be your effort, not everyone else's.
So no, it's not difficult to avoid spoilers, and give people spoiler warnings. Especially with your friends, because you will know whether or not they're the kind of people that avoid spoilers; and if not, they'll tell you.

That being said, there's one final thing I need to mention . . .
A "Spoiler Warning" is meaningless without context.
Let's say I want to show you an awesome clip from Doctor Who, so I go:
  "Hey, check out this scene from Doctor Who https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoVLhUxhdSw - Contains Spoilers!"

What the fuck does that mean?! Seriously, at time of writing Doctor Who is literally the longest running science fiction television series, in the history of television! So what spoilers am I talking about?
Are they spoilers for the next series, the Twelfth Doctor? Perhaps it's from a recent season with the Tenth Doctor, played by David Tennant. Could it be the clip involves that other character, whose very existence is a spoiler?
In fact, I've been going through the original Doctor Who seasons at the moment (I'm currently up to the Third Doctor, played by Jon Pertwee) so maybe this is a spoiler for something in the first 10 seasons, with the First or Second doctors (or all three, when they meet up in "The Three Doctors").
Or, hey, there was a telemovie for the series titled "Doctor Who", maybe this isn't for the series at all, but for the movie about the Eighth Doctor.

So that warning is useless. A spoiler about what? Without context, you're basically saying "here's a video, don't watch it".
So, for the record, that clip is of the Eleventh Doctor, Matt Smith; it's from the third act of the episode "The Rings of Akhaten". Yes, it does reveal some major plot elements of that episode, but it doesn't actually spoil the show, and even with that minor twist revealed, the episode is still worth watching. Moreover, it is a great example of why, despite its flaws, I continue to watch Doctor Who, so you should really watch it, even if you're a little bit worried about spoilers.

There, do you see how easy that was? Spoilers are easy, so there's no excuse not to warn people about them.
And if you think that's too difficult for you, Spoiler Alert: you're an arsehole.

I’m the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, don’t be a spoilsport. I’ll hopefully see you soon with the next, thrilling instalment of Duke Forever.

Thursday 24 July 2014

Ladies and Gentlemen

I didn't really want to write this blog post. It's a mixture of things, but basically, for this Duke Forever thing, I've been writing a new chapter every eight posts. So it's:
Duke Chapter, seven blog posts, Duke Chapter, seven blog posts, recurring . . .
Part of that was because a major part of the story is the 88 story arch, and eight was a good enough arbitrary number by which to write the next instalment, and it was fun. However, my friend Frank told me that he did the maths, and if I continue like that, the story would take over twenty years to write. Not to mention, my schedule is probably going to get flipped on its head when I finally find a job, which would slow it down even more. So, I figured that I'd speed things up after the eighth post, and write Duke Chapters more frequently.
And since I did the "once every eight" posts thing for the first eight chapters, that's eight-eight, I figure that's enough to get the point across with the 88 reference, now I want to write more frequently. But I don't want Duke Forever to be the entire blog, this is the Absurd Word Nerd blog, not the Duke Forever blog, after all I want it to be a dominant fixture, but not the only fixture, so I wrote a bunch of other blog posts as well, until I got up to six, and I figured I'd start writing this latest Duke Forever post now, after only six, make this one the seventh post and throw a spanner in the whole "every eight posts" pattern, but that's not working out.

As usual, this chapter is taking a while to write, but I've also got writer's block because I'm so stressed with this job-hunting nonsense, and so I've lost a bit of my writing mojo. I'm still battling through, but it's taking too long, so I figured I'd write a blog post now, just to keep everyone up to date and so that people don't think I've disappeared, I'm still here and I'm still writing.
But . . . I don't want the next post to be Duke Forever. I don't want there to be nine eighth posts that are Duke Forever, that doesn't work! I spoke about this in my numerology post, I have arbitrary, numerological curiosities and although they seem silly, constructing patterns is how I create stories - by putting together these disparate, perhaps illogical, ideas. So I'll write this post today and then another one later on in the week before writing my next Duke Forever chapter.

Okay . . . well, that's the plan. So, today's post is basically a bit of housekeeping for the blog, letting you know not only that Duke will be more frequent (and details of that frequency), but that my schedule should be changing in the near future. At that time I might have to post as little as once a week or once a fortnight, and in those instances I hope to write Duke every second or third post. So it would be just as frequent if not more frequent than what I do now.

Right . . .

Well, that's not much of a blog post, is it? I'm just doing housekeeping, this isn't educational or interesting like so many of my other posts. So, for lasting this far, I'll add some fun, shall I?

The following was copy/pasted from a conversation I recently had with someone very dear to me. On her request, spelling errors have been excised, and I've formatted it for easy reading, but otherwise this is exactly what we said to one another:

----------------------------------------------------------------
ME: Dear readers, for something a little different, I would like to introduce you to my Beloved.
Say hi.
GF: Hi, readers
I hope you're treating the Major here well
ME: Haha, aww.
They know my real name.
GF: Even if they do, they ought to know the other bit
that your nickname is for your initials
ME: Oh yeah . . .
GF: Which is really, really cool
ME: Well, there's a whole story to it.
In 2008, when I was in Grade 12, we could get these jerseys - like jacket/jumper things - for the graduating class. And every year before that, you could get a fun nickname on the back.
Like, some people had "Kung Fu King" or "Jackie" or what-have-you. But the school stopped it for our year.
I'm guessing because too many people wanted to put rude words on there or something.
GF: Can't be worse than the Horny hornets
that's from the YA novel Speak
ME: Haha
GF: which has a running gag of the school mascot always changing
ME: I think I've read that.
Anyway, long story short, I wanted to have something cool, but they said "No, no nicknames. Only your first name, last name or initials".
So I cheated the system.
Because I have two middle names.
So my shirt spelled M A J A, which people read as Major.
GF: and makes you sound like a cool rogue major
ME: But anyway, I don't want this to be all about me.
I like the idea of showing off my gorgeous girlfriend to my readers, even if only via text.
GF: makes me think of creating a self-portrait with text only
ME: Like an ASCII thing?
GF: perhaps; I don't know what ASCII is
but it's interesting that Matt and I bonded over our love of words
and precision of language
we actually met because he commented on how I used a particular term incorrectly, and he wanted to read some of my fiction
ME: Yeah, I was just looking for other writers. And when you suggested that we chat, I couldn't resist.
GF: But anyway, it's a good lesson to learn: if you want to date someone online, don't spend money on eHarmony or match.com
Just find a blogger who knows how to use sophisticated English literature terms
ME: I think we worked well together because a) we are both writers, so we're both proficient at expressing our emotions in words.
& b) We met as writers, so we knew right from the beginning that we had something in common.
GF: The important other thing is that we liked each other's writing
That can be a make or break factor in the art of courtship between writers
ME: Haha
I never thought of that.
GF: In our case, words mean as much as actions
ME: I'm sure I'd stick with you even if you wrote like Stephen King :P
GF: Lol, don't even get Matt started on his Stephen King diatribes
no matter how many independent bookstores Stephen visited in his prime of life, or how many charities he created, he can do no good in Matt's eyes
ME: (Oh, this is what I meant by ASCII thing, by the way: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ASCII_art)
GF: It's a good learning lesson; to get on Matt's good side, never call other writers "hacks" even if they deserve it
ME: Well, it just seems uncivil.
Especially when it was a case of the pot calling the kettle black . . .
GF: I agree it's uncivil
but I'm biased because the author that King insulted happens to be friends with an author that I like
and said author was blogging about how some of the insults breached etiquette
I've probably insulted a few authors in my fair share, but these days I just say I disagree with them
Authors are not their books, and vice-versa
ME: Well, it's not that he insulted her work . . . I get that, people do that all the time. The issue is that he said she was a bad writer, when she clearly isn't.
GF: He insulted her
but he insulted her based on her work
ME: I mean, I think she's a bad storyteller, but I've come to that position after careful thought and debate.
But he looks at a popular author that he disagrees with and think that means she's a bad writer.
That would be like if I disagreed with Hilary Clinton's political policies, then declared that she was a bad mother.
Sorry, I'm rambling . . . you got me started on it.
GF: lol
keep rambling away
ME: Nah, I've written enough about Stephen King for one day.
GF: Okay
ME: Alright, well, I think that's enough for one day. Thank you for joining me, beautiful.
GF: You're welcome
ME: We should try this again some time. I love you.
GF: I love you too, and we should
----------------------------------------------------------------

And that's enough blogging for one day. I must admit that I really wanted to do that chat thing just so I would only have to do half the writing, since I was tired (hence no word of the day, today). But I've been wanting to do a chat-log blog post for a while now, this was just a good excuse.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, I'm still here! I'm sorry that it's taking so long, I've got some writer's block and my Beloved is helping me through it. But I'll give you at least one more non-Duke post before adding the next chapter.

Wednesday 16 July 2014

Faitheist

I'm an atheist, but I don't tend to talk about it very much. It's not really a big issue, since you either agree with me or you don't. I'm not trying to convert anyone, because the argument for atheism is one of logic and science, whereas the argument for religion is one of emotion and belief. You can't disprove religion because proof is not what defines religious faith.
Not to mention, most people like to argue religion on the internet, and until very recently acting nice to other people on the internet wasn't common practice, so talking about religion was just a way of starting a fight. I've seen people on adorable kitten videos start arguments about religion, it's just stupid.
Usually, when I see one of those religion vs. atheism arguments, I comment merely to say "stop arguing, you're wasting everyone's time". But there's one thing that religious people say about atheists that really bugs me, because it's severely untrue: "You have no faith."
It's often used as an insult, but even when it's not it's just taken for granted that atheists are faithless. This pisses me off, because not only does this prove that religious people don't know what "faith" actually means, but it's unfair, untrue and unkind. Let's start by explaining what faith means.
The Word of the Day is: 'FAITH'
Faith /fayth/ n. 1. Confidence or trust in someone or something. 2. Belief which is not based on proof. 3. Belief in the teachings of religion. 4. A system of religious belief: Christian faith; Jewish faith. 5. A duty or obligation of loyalty (to a person, promise, engagement, etc.): To keep or break faith with; To act in good faith; Act in bad faith.
If you call yourself a Christian and you don't agree with that definition, then you're not a very good Christian, because a similar definition can be found in the Bible itself:
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
- (Hebrews 11:1)
I don't believe that faith is necessarily a bad thing. That's not to say that I think it's a good thing either, it's just kind of a thing. Because, as the dictionary says, faith is "a belief which is not based on proof". Believing in something without proof isn't a good idea most of the time.
I mean, when I was a kid I believed that stars didn't move in the sky. It's not that I was taught wrong or that I didn't understand the idea of the Earth spinning. But because I used to watch cartoons as a kid, and to save on animation, when they transitioned day to night they'd show the moon and sun spin around like a roulette wheel, but the stars were stuck in the same place, never moving. So, I believed that to be an accurate picture, with no real proof, just an assumed understanding from what I’d seen on television. Now, I know that’s just silly, the truth is that the entire sky turns, and it’s absolutely beautiful.

So faith isn’t all that impressive a thing, and it’s quite frustrating that people flaunt it like it’s something to which we should all aspire. Especially when they don’t understand what it means. See, the kind of people that use “you have no faith” as an insult - in my experience - tend to be the same people that believe they can prove God exists. To those people I say: “No you can't.” For two reasons:
One,  you can’t prove something supernatural with natural methods, as it assumes that supernature can be observed and defined. Two, proof denies faith.
I’m sure many of you have heard the “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” argument that proof of god would deny the existence of god. It’s just a bit of funny rhetoric, but it’s appropriate in the sense that religion so oft relies on believing that your god is the one, true god because you are made in their image, you follow their morals and all kinds of other things I don’t understand. It’s a matter of faith, and without faith, then religion is meaningless. I have no problem in being told “Yes, the universe was created by this dude, over here, his name is Paul and he likes crackers” (so long as it’s proven scientifically), but that doesn’t mean I have to pray to it.
So, congratulations, you’ve proven that your faith is meaningless.

But more importantly, in fact most importantly, as I said before “I don’t believe that faith is a bad thing”. I do have faith. In fact, I would argue that I have a great deal more faith than religious people. Allow me to explain . . .
I believe in people. I have faith in humanity. You religious people, you believe in God and have faith in Jesus and for you it’s easy. God doesn't exist have any flaws; because gods don’t get things wrong. Even when they do get stuff wrong, gods “work in mysterious ways” or they really were benevolent, it's just that someone else got in the way (the devil, the gays, the feminists, the liberals, etc) and made God look like a total dickhead. It wasn’t God’s fault, it was everyone else!

But me? I have faith in people, and people have a tonne of flaws. They let me down all the time. They keep killing one another, they keep hating one another, they keep raping, dehumanizing, disrespecting, destroying and annoying one another. But I still have faith in us all, because we do good things a lot of the time as well, and there are good stories in the world, and even when we do the wrong thing, I have faith that we’ll learn from those mistakes and disappointments and be better people tomorrow.
I believe this, despite the lack of evidence, because it gives me hope for tomorrow. And because sometimes - though not often enough - it pays off.

The thing is, People stereotype. We think we can know people from these small, defining characteristics. But you can’t just a person for being atheist, hell, you especially can’t judge atheists because we all have only one thing in common - just one - we don't believe in a god. That's it. There's no system, there's no rite or rituals, there's no common gathering of atheists. I mean, there are some groups of atheists that group together and do stuff as atheists, but fuck those people. One of the benefits of being an atheist is that I don't have to go to church or read a book written by some douchebag, so by gathering together you're just ruining the fun of it.
But anyway, atheists have a wide array of beliefs. Some of us believe that the Harry Potter movies are better than the books; some believe that different brands of batteries are provably better at powering our devices; some believe that Jesus Christ did exist, but that he was just a dude & some even believe that My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is a really cool show with good story and characters.
We have all kinds of beliefs, it's just that we don't believe in that one.

And the same should be said of religious folks. Faith isn’t a bad thing. I mean, I do honestly believe that these bible thumpers are wrong, as in morally wrong, especially when they're trying to impose their beliefs on us or force innocent people to suffer for their stupidity. But, this isn't a big deal, because everyone knows they're wrong. Even the good, honest Christians know these people are wrong because when people use Christianity as a weapon, they're not real Christians, that's not what the religion is meant to be about at all.
Here, I think George Michael said it best:
"I know for a fact that many devout Christians . . . are truly wonderful, kind-hearted men and women who take the best parts of that religion and live admirable, generous and loving lives . . . But in my opinion . . . there are others who use their twisted interpretations of ancient scriptures as a pathetic excuse to be totally fucked up cunt-sucking bastards."
- George Michael, on hearing that some Christians prayed for his death
So while there are some bad eggs, I have hope for you all. As I said, I have faith in humanity, that includes all of you Christians as well - and there’s an awful bloody lot of you - so I have faith that you’re not all the kind of people that want to make the world a worse place. Please, please, please, don’t let me down.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, I might be a while for the next post. I'm working on my next Duke Forever chapter a little bit earlier than usual, since I'm trying to get them written with more frequency. I'm also looking for a job, so things might get shuffled around a bit. Rest assured, I will keep posting here as often as I can, and I have faith that you'll all get my next blog post sooner rather than later.

Thursday 10 July 2014

It's the Pits

A very long time ago, I wrote a blog post called "Haven Sent", it was one of my few "meta-posts", back when that was a thing, but more importantly it was a list of my personal havens. Those little things that I absolutely love and which make life worth living, in my opinion, and that I like to indulge in, whenever I get the chance.
But ever since I wrote that, I have been working on trying to write the opposite. Because those were moments that I enjoy that make me feel good inside, so I was hoping to write a list of the moments that I despise which make me feel sick to my stomach. These are the moments when you just want to say:
  "Oh, for fuck's sake."
Moments, concepts or activities that I feel like I am just not suited to dealing with, moments that put me out of sorts or make me angry, frustrated, upset or all three.

For a while I was looking up the antonym of the word 'Haven'. But it's not easy, because there's no real direct antonym, so I had to get creative. For a long while I'd settled on 'Hellhole', which made sense to me - Haven is to Heavenly as Hellhole is to Hellishly. But Hellhole is used to describe a place, but I needed something that could describe an ephemeral concept and a feeling, so I believe a closer approximation is 'Pitfall'.
The Word of the Day is: 'PITFALL'
Pitfall /'pitfawl/ n. 1. A hidden pit prepared as a trap for animals or people to fall into. 2. Any trap or danger for the unprepared.
Havens are those moments of safety, whereas a pitfall is unsafe. Havens are a place of ease, pitfalls make your stomach jump into your throat. It makes sense to me, especially because the moments I am about to list are moments that I feel very much unprepared for, as the definition lists, moments where I feel like I'm very much out of my comfort zone. But I still do have a fondness for the word 'hellhole' in this context, since many of these situations feel like I'm in my own personal hell. So, if you wish, you can imagine that this list of 'pitfalls' entail falling into a literal hellhole.
So, in order from least frustrating and/or unsettling to the most, this is:

The Absurd Word Nerd's TOP 10 PERSONAL PITFALLS

Number Ten: Depressed People
How can I talk to these people? There's no logic there. I can't solve a problem. Have you ever spoken to someone who WANTS to be sad? You're like "Hey, cheer up buddy?" and they're like "What's there to be happy about it?" Then you tell them, and then they change tact: "Yeah that's true but did I mention my partner left me?"
At this point I'm like. Dude, Stop moping! I have given you a reason to be happy. Fucking TAKE IT! Don't keep dragging me down into the depths of your despair. Wake up and smile, for fuck's sake . . .
But I don't say that - I can't, because I've been there. I know what it's like to be depressed, you can't just snap at them since it's not their fault. I understand what they're going through, I feel like I should help, but it's just so difficult because I know that as much as I can offer to help, these people need an intrinsic motivation to be happy, and that's not something an external force can offer.
So, when I'm around depressed people, I am stuck in a paradox of obligation and impotence, and all I can do is watch and hope they can help themselves. At least I'm doing what I can and it's good to help those in need, but I can't help but be frustrated by it, so that's why this is on this list.

Number Nine: People Singing over Music
I don't have a problem with people singing. I mean, if they sing well it can even be enjoyable, because is's not singing that really annoys me. I think Karaoke is fun, and I think my girlfriend sounds like a Disney princess when she sings,I love people that love singing. No, what annoys me is when people sing along to music which already has someone singing.
I don't mean when people sing to music, that's a given. I mean people that sing to music that already has a singing component. Now, I understand that I'm in the minority. Hell, you just try to listen to "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen and not sing along to that, most people can't do it. But that just makes it more difficult for me. See, when I listen to a song it's because I want to hear that song. If I wanted to hear you sing, I'd ask you to sing.
I actually listen to the lyrics of songs. So, if you sing over music that I'm listening to, you're hindering my ability to listen to the song that I was listening to. To me that's the same of standing in front of the TV while I'm watching a movie, and going "No, I can act better than those jerks, look at me instead". It's not that you sing poorly, most of the people that sing to music do so because they can sing well but I'm not trying to listen to you sing right now, I'm trying to listen to this song, and you're fucking it up. I recognize that this is just a personal, pet peeve, though, but that's enough to get it on this list.

Number Eight: Capitalism
It may seem like a weird one, but capitalism is  something that just pisses me off. I don't mean capitalism as an economic system - I'm not trying to create a political uproar hear, because capitalism does tend to work - rather I mean captitalism as a political system and social mindset.
See, I have found that in every instance when I am walking around, in an urban setting and I see something ridiculous, dangerous or stupid - like bad roads, dumb signs, unintuitive directions or poorly made buildings. Whenever I think: "Why would anyone do something that STUPID!" the answer is always "To save money" or "To make money" or some other bullshit taught by capitalism. Now, I'm not a communist. I'm not any kind of -ist, except maybe a realist. But has anyone considered that this money first, logic later approach is hurting the world? I'm not saying you have to stop making money, but can we add a moment of hesitation before we act out these ideas? Computers stop us to ask before we empty the recycle bin or delete System 32 & our conscience stops us before we punch strangers in the back of the head. So can these people just stop for a second and before they act on their capitalistic tendencies could they ask themselves:
  "Am I sure this isn't making the world a worse place to live in?"

Number Seven: Going Home
I don't like missing out on stuff. I never got to see Frozen in the cinema, and I regret that, but it's not a huge issue. It's not my fault that I missed it, I didn't have the money or time to do so, it happens. I missed it, but it couldn't be helped. I don't mind so much if I miss something through no fault of my own
But, that's not always the case, and I hate that.
For me, this usually takes the form of going home, either after going to a party, or to a friend's house or to a family outing. When I go on outings, I like to use them to their full potential, especially when I'm out drinking with my mates, since those outings are so few and far between. But there will come a time in the night (or during the party) when arises the question of whether or not I will be going home, and I won't want to.
I will feel like, if I go home, I've missed out on the night. It's like, "But what if Luke is about to get here" or "what if they put on a movie?"
Missing out is one thing, I'll get over it. But knowing that I missed out because I essentially chose to? That's just unadorned regret, that is, especially if other people were hoping I would stay with them. It's not that I dislike my home, but I spend an awful lot of time at home, home will always be there when I go home, but the opportunity of a party won't be, so I don't want to go home unless where I am is less interesting than going to home to sleep, which is unlikely because . . .

Number Six: Sleep
This may be weird for some of you. A lot of people really like sleep, and there are those that think it is the best part of the day. But not for me. Fuck sleep.
Sleep, to me, is the whiteout of my day. As in, if you were to imagine that my life were a story, and as things happened I wrote them down; every 16 hour or so, it's like someone comes down and just fwipt! blanks out a good third of my day. I like to do things, I plan my life around doing things. I never plan to NOT do something, so it's like I have this huge section of my existence I have to shift my life around to get my required 8 or so hours of doing fuck all. So I have to decide what I do before and after sleep, and figure out if something is worth doing now, or can wait till tomorrow. I hate it.
But worse than that, the mechanics of sleep, to me, are all wrong. Because for some reason, I can't go to sleep. I can fall asleep, just drop unconscious after wearing myself out. But I can't go to sleep. If I try to sleep, I will just end up lying on my mattress being bored, no matter how tired I am.
Because the thing is, sleep happens when you STOP thinking, and there's no way to consciously stop thinking. But you can't think about nothing, because that actually takes concentration. You have to let you mind think on it's own, and that's so goddamned confusing that the only way I can do it is put on some sound in the background, I tend to use Let's Plays, comedy stand-up routines or TV show that I've downloaded, and just zone out to the familair sounds of it. I reckon, if there existed a pill that could make you stay awake 24/7, I would probably kill for it. Fuck sleep. Seriously.

Number Five: Remembering that I have Forgotten Something
I am quite forgetful. The only reason I can be the writer that I am is because I write all of my story ideas down. The only reason I can write long stories is because I organize ideas into notebooks and in computer documents beforehand, because my memory is a fickle thing, and I can't possibly retain all of my ideas in there at one time. Hell, I'm only writing this because I had the idea ages ago and wrote it down.
But I can't write everything down, because until I forget it, I don't know what kind of things I'm going to forget (unless it's numbers, I always have trouble remembering specific numbers).
So I'll often let an idea slip to the back of my mind, but that's okay because usually I'll remember it later. When I do, I'll do it then, unless I can't in which case I won't. I tend not to get upset about the things I cannot possibly change.
But that's the thing, that's reliant upon me remembering what I've forgotten, but that's not always the case. The absolute worst thing that my memory does is when I come across the space in my mind where I was supposed to be storing a memory, but it's blank. The worst case is when the forgotten thing is an activity which I've scheduled, because I'll get to that moment in my schedule and draw a blank; and as is the way with memory, you won't remember the specifics, but you will remember the importance of that memory, and the anxiety associated with it. So on those occasions, I'm left with nothing to do but try to re-remember the thing that I've just remembered that I've forgotten.
And most of the time, either I never recall that forgotten thing or, much worse, I'll remember it, but I'll remember it and have not enough time to actually do anything about it, which sucks because . . .

Number Four: Not Having Enough Time
I don't care much for deadlines. When given a deadline, I usually ignore it, and I'm better for it, since I don't like being rushed. But there are those moments when you can't ignore it, and I find that it's those moments when you're perfectly capable of the task you need to do, but it's time that stops your plans dead. The most common example of this is going to the shops. For some reason, the shops in my area all seem to close at five o'clock. So, it becomes a real pain in the neck when I want to buy something and it's four-thirty, because the shops are thirty minutes away.
I am perfectly capable of driving to the shops, but by the time I get there, the store will be closed. The only way to get there on time is if I somehow shorten the amount of time it takes to prepare to leave, but I can't leave the house without locking up the doors and putting on my shoes. Then if I get there, I'd need to park the car, and I need to have a coin or I can't unlock the trolley bay - there's just not enough time.
As I said before, I have no problem with being late. If I have to be somewhere at six, but the time is six-fifteen, there is literally nothing I can do, and I can accept that, because there's nothing I could possibly do. But when there is time available, but just not enough, I freak out, because there conceivably is something I can do - I can stress myself up to eleven and panic and get somewhere just in the nick of time, but only by skipping steps and rushing through everything.
Or, I can choose to ignore it and pretend that the opportunity has already slipped by, but that rarely works because I feel responsible for every second that I'm not using to do the activity at hand, and by extension, everything I was doing before now becomes another nail in the coffin of guilt; because if only everything that had occurred already had begun just an hour earlier, then I would be happy. But because the series of events started a little later, I can't be happy. Fuck you, time. You ruined my day.

Number Three: Retracing my Steps
This is related to the whole forgetting thing, but although I sometimes retrace my steps to remember stuff, that's not what this item will be focussing on. The thing is, I don't like repeating myself. This isn't something that I consider a pitfall of mine, however, because, when asked to repeat myself, I don't. I either rephrase what I said in a condescending way, or I quote it back to them with the minor adjustment of replacing all of the words with: "Fuck you."
But I am not forced to repeat myself, so I just don't. Unless, of course, I come to a dead end. I like to walk and until very recently that was my main source of transportation, and so sometimes on my little ventures, I get lost. It can be fun, it's how you learn to explore, and sometimes it leads you to new and interesting places. But when I run into a dead end, I just get mad.
What the fuck is the point of this shit? Someone decided that when people get here, that's all they'll want. Sometimes they even put up walls and fences around these little cul-de-sacs to make sure they'll be safe and secure in this new habitat that they've come across. Seriously, why don't more dead ends have footpaths that lead out? Give me an out!
Because otherwise, when I get to a dead end, all I can do is turn around and head back. I just wasted energy getting here, now I have to double my wasted energy to get out. But if you really want to piss me off, you need me to come across what I call the "Dead End Fractal". For some reason, some suburbs like to organise their houses in these little twisted communities, like an expanding snowflake. Where Streets get shorter and shorter before ending in a cul-de-sac. And they never seem to have footpaths out. Fuck you, town planner, I need a way to escape!

Number Two: Absolute Silence
Okay, okay, considering that things like depression and capitalism are on this list, I understand that it might seem weird that something like the absence of noise is so high on this list. Well, if you've read the previous list about my Personal Havens, you will know that I have mild tinnitus, and to quote myself:
" . . . in a seemingly silent room, I will often hear a persistent high-pitched whine, like a bee is screaming in agony."
- The Absurd Word Nerd, "Haven Sent"
See, a persistent, high-pitched whine is more than just "a little bit annoying", it can be almost deafening in silence and more often than not can give me a headache.
But more than just the tinnitus, in silence I get lonely. Even when I'm driving in my car at night, the sound of the engine means my tinnitus isn't a problem, but I feel so alone in such a stark, dark silence, so I usually turn on the radio. As I said above, I listen to Let's Plays when I go to sleep so that I don't go to sleep in silence. It's not just the tinnitus, I like background noise.
To me, absolute silence means a headache, inability to think clearly, loneliness and discontent, that's why it's so high on this list.

Number One: Talking to Children
I am a pretty genuine guy. I mean, I don't put on a persona for any of this, these blog posts are my actual opinion. Even in real life I am always honest, and sometimes that pisses people off because I don't play the social games people play and I don't always hold my tongue. My mate Sean says of it that I "don't give a fuck", which is partially true; I don't care if people hate me for who I am, because I would rather that than have them like me for who I'm not.
And for that reason, I have trouble with children.
I don't watch my language, I don't lie, I don't put up with people's bullshit and I don't concede to idiocy and ignorance - but with children I am expected to do all of those things. I mean young children, like 2-6 years old, because you can't always be honest with kids; you can't answer all of their questions and you can't tell them to bugger off when they're being annoying - because they're kids, it's what they do. Children are boring; children are selfish; children are (often) dirty & children can be really annoying.
It's basically that I don't like talking to idiots, and this does apply to idiots and close-minded people as well; but it's worse with kids because I can insult an idiot if they're being a pain in the arse; but it's not a child's fault that they're dumb, they need time to learn, so I can't do anything about it.
But the real reason this is number one on this list is because I don't like dealing with parents. I don't mind children, even though they still have a lot to learn, I would put up with that if it was my kid. I'd love to raise one of my own one day, but only on my (and my Beloved wife's) terms. Yet with other parents, I have to do things on their terms. Hell, even if they're raising their children wrong, I can't do anything about it, I'm expected to raise them their way even if that way will result in the kids growing up to be a massive douchebag. It means that I have to walk on eggshells around other people's kids, because even if the child is a little shit that's misbehaving I can't reprimand it - it's not my child - but I'm still supposed to be on my best behaviour, put on the persona of a patronising television presenter and talk down to them, and I hate it.


I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and to sum things up nicely, I don't like it when people: sing over music; are depressed; put greed before others; tell me to sleep; tell me I've forgotten something; give me a deadline; make me repeat myself; leave me on my own or make me to talk to their children. So if you'd all stop doing that, then that would be lovely.
Until then, I think I might go write a story . . .