Monday 15 July 2013

Stitching Storylines

There are many ways to write a story. Some people read classical books and use them as a basis, some people live in a beautiful town and build their story around the landmarks. Other writers even give themselves challenges, such as writing an entire novel without the letter 'E'; there are a lot of ways to write a story.
For me, personally, I find the trick is the initial Inception point. The moment when your mind conceives of an idea. I see it's potential and build from there. There are a few ways to do this, but for me it's the construction of patterns. I see things that are related and I build from there. These patterns are built by simple inter-relation. I see two things, unrelated, and I find the common ground. Or, you could say, that one of the ways that I build stories is through collecting a series of coincidences.
The Word of the Day is 'COINCIDE'.
Coincide /kō'ənsuyd/ v.i. 1. To be in the same position in time or space. 2. To happen at the same time or period in time. 3. To agree or be the same (in opinion, etc.).
My very first story on this blog was iRobot, a story based on the 2004 science-fiction film I, Robot (which itself was based on the book by Isaac Asimov, but I was more concerned with the movie); as well as the life and death of Steve Jobs, the CEO and lifeblood of Apple Computers.

I wrote the story because I saw a few coincidences between the two stories. Firstly, I noticed the the homophonic titles using Apple's lower-case 'I' marketing gimmick (I, Robot/iRobot). Secondly, both the story of I, Robot and of Apple Computers concerned the death of a leading electronics manufacturer after their company achieved an astounding market share and global recognition (Alfred Lanning/Steve Jobs). Thirdly, they both had a single product with a smooth, caring voice that was designed to help out humans as well as having a name starting with 'S' and ending in an 'ee' sound (Sonny/Siri).

The connections were fascinating to me, and the opportunity was too great to pass up, so I built my story around tying together the two stories, taking pieces from both sides to construct my puzzle. The story is a little old now, so it's not my best piece of work. In fact, it's embarrassingly bad. But I still enjoy reading it for those connections alone. It was a lot of fun finding all the ways the two stories connected.

But that's not the only example of a story I've written from coincidences alone. My second piece of blogfiction was Furby, Herbie & Kirby in the Starlight Derby. The attentive among you may note that all three of these characters have names that rhyme, which is fascinating in itself. But once I noticed this connection, I quickly realized that all three of these characters, famously, don't speak English. Kirby only ever says 'Poyo' or other little phrases. Furby speaks Furbish (with limited vocabulary) and Herbie is a car, so doesn't speak at all. I thought this was interesting. Also, since these were all family-friendly characters, yet exist in entirely different worlds, I was curious to see how they would work together so I built the story around that.

I do this all the time, and if I had to show you all the connections I've made with other stories, especially Duke Forever and his ongoing stories, I'd be here all day. But the purpose of this blog post isn't to show all my working and say "Look at me, so clever,", rather it's to inspire you to find connections yourself and see if they can help you make a story.

For instance, one connection that has always intrigued me is the number 13. It's considered 'Unlucky 13' for a few reasons, one of the big ones being that it was the number of patrons present at the 'Last Supper' of Jesus (according to myth). The number thirteen is a prime number, and doesn't divide evenly into anything but itself and the number 1; but thirteen multiplied by two is: 26.
That number doesn't seem too important, but it's actually the number of letters there are in the Latin Alphabet (the one English uses):
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Okay, small coincidence, nothing much to think about, right? Maybe . . . except that if you multiply twenty-six by two (or thirteen by four), you get: 52
This may be recognizable to you as the number of cards there are in an average French Deck of playing cards.
Which comes right back around to 13 when you remember that there are four different suits in a Standard Deck of Playing Cards: Spades (♠), Hearts (), Clubs (♣) & Diamonds () - each consisting of thirteen cards.

This alone is unimportant. You can't present this to a symposium on the world's discoveries and expect a round of applause; but in the writing of a story, I consider this to be pure gold. Perhaps this can build the backstory, or has something to do with the Magic System. When I make a magic system, I start with the number four. Often with the elements, air, earth, fire & water. Which factor neatly into playing cards. Air/Clubs, Earth/Diamonds, Fire/Spade, Water/Hearts. This could easily adjust the different abilities of the elements, the way they fight, intermingle or react.
Or it could be used for character creation. If I want up to 52 characters, I could just research how the Playing cards relate to Tarot cards, and use their descriptions (and supposed predictions) as a basis for each character. And giving each a name starting with a different letter, I'd only have to repeat each one twice, thanks to the '26 letters' trick, making it easier to keep track).

That's one example, but enough about thirteen, cards & elements. What about something like . . . scissors-paper-rock? You may know it as rock-paper-scissors; roshambo; janken or some such other name. In the game, as I understand it, there are three options: Scissors, which cut paper. Paper, which covers rock & Rock, which smashes scissors. Each element destroys one while being destroyed by another. There are a few ways this could be employed in your story.
Pokémon uses this in its stories, as the first game begins with Bulbasaur, Charmander & Squirtle. As Fire, Water & Plant type pokemon, each is strong against one opponent while weak against another (Fire > Plant > Water > Fire, recurring . . .) and one of the plot points is that no matter which pokémon you choose, your rival chooses the stronger one. A coincidence of three elements that attack and are attacked in perfect symmetry.
In a less aggressive form, what if scissors-paper-rock model were used to construct a Love Triangle? I haven't seen many scenarios where Alex loves Blair & Blair loves Cris; however Cris is pursuing Alex. It could be an interesting story, the trick here is just adjusting the character relationships so that their attraction to other characters coincides with the tactics of the game scissors-paper-rock. I don't write romance myself, but it might be interesting.

That's the beauty of storywriting. Even if you can't find a perfect coincidence, you can write your story in such a way as to put these pieces together. In essence, you find the patterns that work well together, and using your pen you can stitch together each piece of material into something greater, piecing together patches of ideas like squares of cloth for a quilt, to make a story.

These are just examples of patterns that I have found, but once you start seeing these connections for yourself it becomes easier to find even more. I only hope that, perhaps, the patterns you find will help you to write your own stories. In time, you can even make your own patterns, and find ways they interact with one another.
Sometimes this just helps to make unique characters, sometimes it constructs your fantasy world & sometimes it's nothing more than an interesting fact to slip into dialogue - but I find these coincidences can build a more fascinating, interwoven story.

There are multiple ways that seemingly different things coincide. It's stunning how lycanthropy relates to puberty or alcoholism; symptoms of head trauma coincide with the characteristics of alien abduction; religion relates to magic; temporal mechanics relate to music; magical systems relate to computer software; solar systems look so similar to atomic structures; love is like insanity; hatred is like fire & villains are like heroes.

All these connections and many more not only open your eyes to the ways of the world, but can open your readers imaginations to new possibilities. And I wholeheartedly believe that my ability to find patterns along with my ability to write stories is no mere coincidence. So, if you write anything like me, I wish you luck in your quest to find these coincidences and make something of them.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, I'm going to look for the coincidence between Ke$ha the singer & Kesha, a small village in the Hunan province of China . . .

Tuesday 9 July 2013

You are Selfish

There is a belief that in the 6th Century BC, the Catholic church held a referendum to determine whether or not Women have Souls. In my researches of this topic, I have discovered that this did not happen. I've also discovered that it did happen. It's impossible for me to determine either way, as I don't have the time. But in the words of Mark Z. Danielewski:
  "What's real or isn't real doesn't matter here. The consequences are the same."
The fact is, whether or not this happened, the fact that we can believe it proves my point. Although it is a false example, it is an example of a truth that is very prevalent: Human beings are very capable of Dehumanization.
Soul or no, the Catholic Church still does believe that women are incapable of being priests; the Christian Church believes that not every loving couple deserves marriage; followers of the Islamic Church believe that women do not have the rights of men to drive, dress, speak or act freely & some followers of Voodoo in Uganda, still murder children to sacrifice to their gods.
Religion is not the only foundation that aspires to dehumanize humans, but I saw a theme and so I ran with it, sorry if it seems like I'm hating on religion unnecessarily. But my point is, millions and millions of people hurt, abuse & mistreat others every day. But not everyone that commits these acts is a sociopath. That is a statistical impossibility, as psychopathy cannot be learned in this way. So, how can we justify this widespread lack of humanity in Humanity?
I believe I've found something of an answer to this question. Which may disturb you, annoy you or otherwise confront you.
The Word of the Day is: 'SELFISH'
Selfish /'selfish/ adj. 1. Caring only for oneself. 2. Marked by caring only for oneself: selfish motives.
I believe that there is no such thing as a selfless act. This may seem either wrong or like a horrible view of the world, but when you think about it I'm sure you'll come to see my point of view that this is not only true, but fundamentally important to understand.

Let's start with the why. Why do I believe this? Basically, because we are entirely self-centred beings. This seems like a round argument, but that's because I haven't explained it properly.
Look at these words. You read them with your eyes. Or perhaps heard it through your ears, if you are blind and using a verbal processor. Or perhaps you felt them, through braille that has been printed out for you. The point is, you accessed it through one of your senses. One of the fundamental points of philosophy is that nothing can truly be real, as we only see the world as it is interpreted for us through our senses. When you watch sport on television, you aren't actually seeing the real thing, because it's just an image (with sound) on the screen. You're only seeing what the camera is interpretting for you. The same argument can be made for the eye.

Even if you are at the stadium, wearing your sports jersey and drunkenly yelling at the players, you aren't truly experiencing the world, rather than your sense's interpretation of it.

Now don't worry, I won't get all Hippy-Dippy on you with that "We all live in the Matrix, nothing is real" bollocks. As far as I am concerned, if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, smells, feels & tastes like a duck, it's a duck. Just because we only experience the world through senses doesn't mean that the world doesn't exist, it just means that we have limited experience.
But my point is, none of these five senses are capable of experiencing someone else's, for lack of a better word, soul.

We only experience other people through our sensory interpretation of them. It is impossible for you to feel or experience the world from someone else's perspective or truly understand someone else's pain or joy. There is no pure 'Empathy', the only person whose life you can understand is yours, so everything you do is selfish.

Now, I'm sure someone reading this, by now, is thinking: If everyone is selfish, and there's no such thing as being selfless, then why do people do nice things?

Basically, because of our own flawed sense of 'Empathy'. Although we cannot understand someone else, we can understand ourselves in their position.
It's true that you can never "Walk a Mile in my Shoes" as it were. Because even if you were to try to understand me by living a life like mine or having experienced something that I have, our experiences, although parallel, are not the same; and you'll never truly understand what it's like to be me, as I will never understand what it is like to be you.
This 'putting myself in their shoes' sense of empathy does appear to be kind and selfless, when in truth it is still selfish (kindness notwithstanding).

If you have a friend that is sick, and they ask you for a glass of water, most people would fetch it for them (where possible). But I suggest that this is not so much because we don't want our friend to suffer, so much as we don't want ourselves to suffer.
Imagine for a moment that you denied to help your friend on this occasion. This would result in later ramifications and suffering for you. If you are sick, in the interests of fairness your friend would then have every right to refuse to help you, so that's where empathy comes in, "They would do the same for me". They may also stop being your friend, which would be less than beneficial for your social life, and all the other useful things that friends provide, this is simple quid pro quo, a bargaining system where kindness if exchanged for favours. Thirdly, you may even feel guilty. It's a sick feeling in your stomach, provided by your own psychosomatic response; it's a form of punishment.

So, when you think about it, you don't help your friends so that they feel good; you help them so that you feel good (about helping your friend) and don't suffer punishment later on. This can apply to any situation, from helping a friend, to saying please and thank you - even all the way up to love.
Love is a series of chemical reactions. When you find another person, you can attach to them in such a way that being around them, talking to them & making them laugh can give you paroxysms of joy. If they love you back, then you can perpetuate this vicious cycle of delight into a self-replicating ecstasy. You do such wonderful things to each other, but the fact is it all comes down to the nice things we feel. So even Love is Selfish.

[I want to stop here a moment to say that, I still do appreciate Love. Some people bitch and moan about how love is meaningless and all that, and reading this those people might take my words to mean "Yeah, Love isn't Love, it's just a self-serving mechanism for procreation, built on instinct and hormones & used as a means to sell Valentine's Day Cards", but I don't buy that.
Just because Love is Selfish, doesn't mean that it isn't a miracle. After all, while I can justify the feelings and reactions of love and understand why it controls in the way that it does, I will never understand the chaotic science that is Attraction; my own sense of Beauty or in what way Monogamy could be selfish. So even to a cynic like me, Love is still a little magical . . .]


But even the nicest things we do for others, are done for selfish reasons. It's one of the reasons I can't stand Religion and what it calls 'Morality'. In my eyes, all the good and charity that religious people do is incredibly selfish, because they only do the right thing so that they can either go to heaven; achieve enlightenment or otherwise appeal to some god's will. They don't do the right thing because they want to, they do it because they have to or they will risk being punished by a supernatural power. That isn't morality, that's dictatorship.

But enough about that. In the beginning, See, I was talking about dehumanization. This is basically a method whereby we remove our ability to identify with other people's pain and reflect it onto ourselves; basically we remove that Empathy. Sometimes it's as difficult as indoctrination and brainwashing, but sometimes it's as simple as covering someone's face and taking away their name.
Although I believe our sense of empathy is a flawed system, it nonetheless keeps things in order. By removing it, we remove peoples ability to feel guilt, which can cause such atrocities as rape, abuse, murder, torture & cannibalism. Because we are fundamentally selfish, and as soon as we remove the needs for kindness, we can act cruel without remorse. It may seem like most of these crimes are unfathomable, but I can understand the logic that is at play. It is a flawed logic, and I cannot justify it, but I can explain it and understand it. We are born to be selfish.
Anything is easy to understand, once you can see the bigger picture.

But does that mean that we should stop being nice? Have I flipped the world on its head and removed all need for morality, empathy & understanding?
No. I've said before, and I'll say again:
  "I'm a narrator, not a dictator."
- The Absurd Word Nerd
This, in my opinion, is mostly a semantic & philosophical issue. We may be selfish creatures, but that doesn't mean we can't be nice. In fact, once I understood that everything I do is selfish, I found it easier to be less selfish. Because the trick is to find out how other people are being selfish towards you.
For example, once you realize that your friends are only your friends because they need you in some way, you can better serve their needs and your own. See, most good friendships are based on two things: A mutual need to be trusted & a mutual need to avoid loneliness. So long as that is the foundation of your friendship, you can help (and use) one another to no ill effect.
But if you discover that your friend is using you for other reasons, or depending to heavily on you, you can adjust your relationship to try to achieve that Win/Win scenario of trust and mateship, (or tell them to hit the curb).

I also find it helps in my writing. I recognize that nobody cares about my characters as much as I do, and the only way to get people interested in my stories is to offer them something they don't have. Education, Understanding, Entertainment or Fantasy. . . whatever it is, my fiction must serve other people in some way, for it to have a reason to exist. People don't care about anything unless it benefits them in some way. Once you understand that, you can learn how to help them, to help yourself.

In conclusion, selfishness is not the same as egotism or narcissism (though I ascribe to both). It is just a basic truth - we do things for ourselves, always. So often when people act 'selfish' their true fault is not selfishness, but a lack of social (or moral) consciousness. We are always selfish, but that doesn't mean we have to be arseholes.
Until next time, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I'm going to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, (because I don't want to wear the treads off mine).

Saturday 6 July 2013

The Unearthly Pilot

<< < Chapter One > >>

The night was cold and foggy, making even the brightest skyscrapers look ancient and foreboding as Officer Edison walked his beat. There were very few cars on the street. Many drivers would avoid the roads due to the fog, but in London such quiet was unusual. With his every breath, more cold mist escaped the policeman's lips and joined the air, but the young officer was not afraid. He had no need to be. The night was still young, and his shift was nearly over. He was headed back to his car, to make his way home, until he heard the sound. It was a strange, mechanical grinding noise, but it was oddly pitched and rhythmic. He turned towards the source of the sound and saw a construction site on the corner of the street. At this time of night, there was no way that there was a worker on site, so Edison grabs the radio on his vest and speaks into it.
  "Control be advised, I've got some possible vandalism at the construction site on Bishopsgate. I'm going to investigate."
Officer Edison crosses the street and enters the site through an obvious gap in some temporary fencing. Retrieving his torch, Edison sweeps the light over the dirt, equipment and exposed concrete.
  "This is the police! Is there anyone there?!" he calls out. Edison expected some teenagers were screwing around with construction equipment and hoped to scare them off by calling out. No such luck. Only one and a half floors of the building were constructed, just a concrete frame with loose wiring and dust everywhere, but Edison heads inside the construct and calls out again, "is there anyone in here?!"
Edison hovers his torchlight over the place lazily, until he spots something strange, and holds the light on it. Everything here was incomplete. Hanging wires, exposed concrete and bare floors. But in the elevator shaft, where one would expect an empty hole, there was a pair of shiny, silver doors. Edison prided himself his ability to spot what was out of place, and so thought it was strange that someone would install elevator doors before the wiring was complete. Edison takes a step towards the doors, approaching out of curiosity, when there's a sharp ding sound.
The doors slide open and the sudden brightness makes Edison shield his eyes. The movement of the doors must have stirred up the dust, because as he squinted at the new doorway, small clouds, like smoke, seemed to billow out of the doors. Following the smoke was a tall black man, in a knee-length leather jacket. He was fiddling with a small device, but seeing the policeman he heads straight for him and stops little more than a foot away. Up close, Edison saw the man had a smooth, bald head; a neat beard cropped around his mouth & deep, calculating brown eyes.
  "Excuse me, sir," says the man, in a deep bass voice with a cadence that sounded almost regal, "Can you tell me the date today?"
  "The date?" says Edison, a little surprised, "it's the Sixth of July."
  "Year?"
  "Twenty-thirteen."
  "Drat . . . I'm early," the man mutters to himself, putting the device in his pocket. Giving the policeman a nod, the black man marches off into the night. Edison stood there, bewildered. He was a little confused by the man, but his eye was drawn back at the elevator shaft. The lift was still there, clear as day, but he could barely believe it. Ignoring the strange man, Officer Edison walks to the edge of the lift entrance. He tentatively places a foot inside and shifts his weight to it. It was steady. Stepping inside, Edison looks around the small cabin. It looked ordinary enough, a regular two-door elevator car. As he inspects the button panel, Officer Edison is too occupied to hear the doors closing.
  "No . . . NO!" he screams. But the doors seal shut, locking him inside. From the ground floor of the construction site, the dust settles, the light is extinguished and eventually, even the screaming from behind the doors quietens to silence . . .

There is darkness everywhere. Green and red lasers cut through the air and scan the room as bodies writhe unnaturally against one another and everything moves and shifts to the steady beat, the sound of some alien engine throbbing so loudly that even the air vibrated with it.
In the middle of the dancefloor, Anise stopped and started to feel sick. She turns to the friend she came with, who was grinding against some guy she'd met at the bar an hour ago.
  "GOIN' TO THE LOO!" Anise manages to yell over the din. Her friend nods, then continues dancing. Pushing past other clubbers, Anise finds the ladies room and stumbles inside. The sound of the music was considerably muffled inside the bathroom, and Anise heads to the dirty, wall-length mirror. She looks at herself. Her long, black hair was slightly dishevelled, but the makeup and glitter on her face was still fresh, glittering marvellously against her olive skin and lighting up her brown eyes. However, under the neon lights, she looked horrible. Anise wondered why, but it was soon obvious. She wasn't smiling. She wasn't having fun. The music all sounded too loud, the light too dim and the people too drunk. It was all giving her a headache.
  "I must be losing my buzz . . ." Anise mutters, as she adjusts her hair. As she does, in the mirror, she sees a sudden flash of purple light coming from one of the stalls and so she glances back to see what it is. After a moment, the door opens and someone steps out wearing a close-fitting, full-body suit with a utility belt and some kind of motorcycle helmet. From the shape of the suit Anise could tell the wearer was female, and in her hand she held what looked like a large, silver soccer ball. The woman swiftly turns and heads for the door.
Anise stares at the woman as she walks by, all the while wondering what it all meant. She'd never seen anything like the woman before or the machine in her hand, and as she watched her leaving the bathroom she was mesmerized by the way she walked with such purpose. At that moment, the partying, the clubbing, the music, the drink and the drugs . . . it all seemed so insignificant. It was a weird feeling.
As the strange woman left the bathroom, Anise felt compelled to follow her, so she went back into the club proper. The dancefloor was full of people, but only one was wearing a helmet or walking with such focus, so Anise quickly finds the woman again and follows after her. Through the people, past the bar and the noise, she heads through the front door. Anise follows the woman outside, almost five seconds behind, but by the time she spots her, she catches just a glimpse of the full-body suit disappearing into the alley around the back of the building. The music from the club left a dull ringing in her ears as Anise heads down the block and carefully turns the corner. Rounding the corner, she stops dead. The first thing she sees is the barrel of a strange gun, pointed directly at her face.
  "Why are you following me?" asks the strange woman, her voice echoing as though she were speaking into a tin can. Anise was frozen at the sight of the gun, all she could manage was to raise her hands and take one step backwards. So the woman grabs her around the neck with a strong, gloved hand. She pulls Anise into the alley and presses her against the wall, holding the gun an inch from her nose. "Why are you following me?"
Anise looks into the helmet's visor, but sees nothing but black.
  "I . . . I don't know . . ." Anise stammers. The woman presses the gun into Anise's cheek, so hard that she could feel the humm of the energy weapon's power supply vibrating her cheekbone as it charged and the pale-blue lights along its exterior glowed brighter. Anise closed her eyes.
  "Halt!" calls out another voice. Anise had never heard it before, but it was a man's voice, deep and commanding. "You will leave her alone."
The woman immediately lets go, and Anise opens her eyes to see the woman turn the weapon in the direction of a man standing a little deeper in the alleyway. He was tall and black, and wore a knee-length leather jacket.
  "There doesn't have to be any bloodshed," says the man, speaking in a rather dignified tone, "Just return the Orb to me, and I will leave this matter alone. I won't bother you ever again."
  "Are you blind?" asks the woman, waving around the weapon in her hand. "I'm the one with the gun, so you don't get to make demands."
  "Give me a moment . . ." says the man, reaching into his jacket. He retrieves a device that, from a distance, looks like a tuning fork. With a click, it gives off a small purple spark. Immediately, the blue lights along the outside of the woman's gun fade to grey. The woman quickly pulls the trigger three times, and each time it makes an unsatisfying clicking noise. The man returns the device to his jacket.
  "Now, if you'll return the Orb . . ."
The woman quickly holsters her weapon and kicks the man in the chest. He stumbles back two steps, but she continues to advance, punching him once in the head before he can manage to block her attacks. The woman was swift and lithe, kicking, punching and moving like a vicious, elegant spider. The man was more like a tiger, all fury and force, but not quick enough to hurt her. The whole time, Anise looked on in confusion, and so stood still, dumbstruck; until she heard a vehicle pulling up, and turned to the street to see a black, windowless van stop at the curb with its engine running. The side door slid open and it honked its horn.
Glancing back to see the van, the attacking woman finally swung the orb device like a club, thumping the black man in the side of the head. He doubled back and she ran for the van, past Anise, and jumped inside. As she did, the van sped off. Anise steps out and tries to read the number plate, but could only see two numbers: Eight, eight.
She lets out a sigh, when suddenly the man marches straight past her.
  "Stop now! You don't understand what you're dealing with!" he cries after them. The man walks into the middle of the road, going after the van, "Come back here at once! I am the Duke of Ra–" suddenly, the man is hit from behind by a double-decker bus.
  "No!" screams Anise, running onto the road. The bus had pulled to a stop and the driver was getting out to check the damage he'd done. The man on the ground had rolled over onto his back and his eyes were shut tight from the pain.
  "Oh my god! Are you alright?" Anise asks, crouching down.
  "No . . . I have lost the orb," he mutters.
  "Is he one of yours?" the driver asks Anise.
  "Uh, yeah. Sure, he's a friend," Anise replies.
  "He walked right in front of the bus . . . is he alright? In the head?"
  "Ain't got a clue . . ." says Anise.
The black man suddenly sits up and struggles to get to his feet.
  "The escape vessel, where did it go?" he asks, looking around.
  "Do you want me to call an ambulance?" asks the driver.
  "No!" Anise shouts, a little louder than she'd intended.
  "You sure? He needs to go to the hospital."
  "Uh yeah . . . but I'll take him. In my car."
The cars behind the bus impatiently honk their horns and the driver glances at them,
  "Well okay. You take care of him, I gotta move this bus."
The driver heads back onto his bus and Anise runs to the man who had begun to wander along the road.
  "Hey? Are you alright there, mate? You were hit pretty hard there."
The man looks to her, catching her off guard with his deeply penetrating, brown eyes.
  "I'll be fine once I get back to my ship," he says.
  "Alright, alright, come on then."
Anise tries to put her hand to his back and guide him carefully to the curb, but the man was a head taller and she couldn't shift him an inch.
  "What are you doing?" he asks.
  "We've got to get off the road."
  "Road?" he says. As though on cue, more of the cars behind the bus lean on their horns desperately.
  "Here, come on, mate," says Anise, "follow me."
The man reluctantly follows her to the side of the road, limping slightly, and turns back to see the cars start moving.
  "Some kind of trade route?" the man murmurs to himself.
  "Look, what's your name, mate?" Anise asks. The man looks back to her.
  "You may address me as The Duke."
  "Duke?"
  "Yes, and your name?"
  "Anise Trevino."
  "Alright then. Anise Trevino, I need your help," he says, pointing at the traffic, "How do I acquire one of these vessels?"
  "Oh, my car's parked around the corner," Anise says, pointing.
  "Excellent," says the Duke. He immediately walks down the road, limping slightly. Anise follows, but as he approaches the corner, he starts to cradle his head.
  "Hey, wait up, mate!" says Anise running up to him, "Slow down. You were hit really bad, you need to rest."
  "Which one?" says the Duke, pointing at the row of parked cars.
  "The Pinto," says Anise. The Duke just frowns at her, so Anise leads the way to the peach-coloured Ford Pinto and opens the passenger door. The Duke slides in while Anise makes her way around to the driver's side. Anise wasn't too concerned about leaving her friend behind like this, since she'd find some guy to give her a lift home, probably the guy she was dancing with but the night was still young. As she sits down and closes the door, Anise finds the Duke is fiddling with the small fork-like device, pointing the prongs at the dashboard.
  "What are you doin'?" Anise asks.
  "I'm trying to access the tracking system."
  "Look, you need to relax and do up your safety belt."
  "What belt?" Anise demonstrates by strapping on her own, and the Duke imitates her. Then she starts the car and pulls onto the road. The Duke continues to fiddle with the device as she drives.
  "Alright now, 'Duke'. Seriously mate, what have you taken?"
  "Taken? What are you accusing me of?"
  "Look, you saved me from that crazy biker lady, so I owe you big time. But it's obvious you're trippin' on somethin'. I need to know you won't drop dead on me from a heart attack."
  "I assure you, I will not drop dead. My injuries are minor."
  "You were hit by a bus!"
  "I need only a moment's rest and I will be fine."
  "You're sure?"
  "Absolutely," says the Duke, and although Anise didn't understand everything that was happening, the sincerity in that voice was irrefutable.

Anise drives up to her regular car park, in the lot under her building and stops the engine.
  "Where are we?" asks the Duke.
  "This is my building," says Anise, "you can sleep here for the night."
Anise gets out of the car, and after struggling with his seatbelt, the Duke does so as well, then determinedly limps around the car to meet her.
  "Anise Trevino. I don't think you understand the severity of the situation," he says.
  "The what of the what?"
  "'Severity', 'Situation'. I need to retrieve the orb, or this planet will be in danger."
  "What orb?"
  "The device the Traveller was carrying. I must retrieve it."
  "And how are you going to do that?"
  "My ship. Its sensors can detect the heat signature that radiates from the device."
  "No, what I'm sayin' is: Even if the world is gonna end tomorrow, you can't do a bloody thing until you rest that leg and clear the juice from your system. Right?"
The Duke stares at her defiantly for a moment before shying away.
  " . . . you're right, Anise Trevino."
  "Damn right. And can call me 'Anise', I feel like I'm in trouble when someone says my full name. Come on." Anise offers the Duke a hand, and leads the way to the elevator, and they both go up and into her apartment.
The place was small studio apartment, a little messy with bits of clothing strewn over the back of chairs and the couch, and things like books stacked into piles in the corners due to a lack of shelves or storage space. Anise leads the Duke to the couch, a second-hand faux-leather monstrosity that was falling apart with rips held together by electrical tape; but the Duke falls onto it and settles comfortably with his head on the armrest and closing his eyes.
  "I will just need a moment's rest . . ." he mutters, speaking so softly that his deep voice becomes mellow and sultry.
  "Right," says Anise, heading for the tiny kitchenette in the corner, "D'you want a glass of water? I don't have any panadol, but you probably shouldn't be takin' pills anyway, considerin' . . ."
Anise looks back to the couch, but the Duke has already fallen asleep. With a sigh, Anise checks the time. Her clock reads half past three; an unusually early end for a Saturday night's clubbing. Anise gets her mobile phone and sends her friend a text:
  got sik of clubin so i left. dont w8 up.
Leaving her phone on the bench, Anise walks over to the man on her couch. He looked so peaceful, his fingers interlinked and resting on his chest.
  "Thanks for savin' me, by the way," Anise whispers, "I didn't get the chance to tell ya." Looked at his sleeping form, Anise realized two things. Firstly, she wasn't the least bit tired, since it was relatively early, and so she was craving a late night coffee. Secondly, there was a tall, dark and handsome man in her apartment yet the place looked as though some kind of clothing-based bomb had hit it. She decided to do some cleaning . . .

After an hour of cleaning, stashing things away, a shower and washing the make-up off her face, Anise was standing on her small balcony in jeans and a loose t-shirt looking down on the streets below as she slowly drank a lukewarm cup of sweet black coffee.
  "Anise."
At sound of her name, Anise flinches, spilling some coffee over the balcony before swiveling around to see the Duke standing by the couch.
  "Duke? You're awake?" Anise asks.
  "Yes, I'm well rested. I want to thank you."
  "Well, you're welcome," she says, taking a sip of coffee.
  "Now, I'm afraid there's no time to waste. In the time that's passed, there's no telling what has been done with the Orb. We must find it."
  "Oh, right. The orb . . . did you say 'we'?"
  "Yes," says the Duke, walking to the railing of the balcony. "I have never been to this world before and it is quite . . . dangerous. I will need help navigating the planet. I require a guide, and if you'll forgive my presumption, I was hoping it would be you."
  "Navigating the planet?"
  "Yes, in your car."
  " . . . you need a lift? Well why didn't you say so?" says Anise, finishing off her cup of coffee.
  "You will help me?"
  "Sure."
  "Excellent. How soon can we leave?"
  "Uh . . . if you want to leave soon, I'll need to get my trainers on."
  "I will wait here."
Leaving her dirty mug on the bench, Anise fetches some running shoes and sits on the couch to put them on.
  "Alright, where do you want to go?" she asks.
  "Back to my ship."
  "Do you mean a boat?"
  "No. I mean a spaceship."
Anise stops halfway through pulling on her second shoe and glances over at the Duke.
  "Spaceship?"
  "Timeship, actually."
  "I think you've still got some of that junk in your system, mate," Anise says, as she finishes up putting on her shoes.
  "Junk? It's state of the art."
  "Whatever . . . where is this 'spaceship' of yours?"
  "I don't know exactly, but I can direct you as we go."
  "Right . . ." says Anise, standing up and leading the way out of the apartment. She locks the door behind them and they both step into the elevator. As the lift heads down, silent but for the humm of the elevator moving, Anise asks, "So, what is this about anyway?"
  "To what are you referring?" asks the Duke as they head into the parking garage.
  "Everything. The crazy biker chick, the 'orb'. You."
  "The Traveller stole the Orb from me, and I must retrieve it."
They get into the car, Anise reminds the Duke to do up his seatbelt and they head out of the garage. As they drive onto the road, the sun was just on the cusp of breaching the horizon, giving a dull glow to the edge of the world.
  "So what is this orb anyway? Why did the travelling lady take it from you? It looks like a round toaster."
  "It's a highly advanced, artificially intelligent navigational computer. Turn here," says the Duke, pointing. Anise turns the car and glances at her passenger.
  "I didn't think we had artificial intelligence yet."
  "You don't. The orb is from my planet. I believe that is why the Traveller stole it in the first place, to reverse-engineer her own kind of auto-piloting computer."
  "Wait . . . your planet?"
  "Yes. Turn just here." Anise turns again, but had a weird look on her face.
  "So what does that make you, then? An alien?"
  "From your perspective, yes."
In her head, as she made her way down the road, Anise was trying to tie together everything she'd seen in the last few hours in a way that made sense. Woman wearing a futuristic motorcycle suit; strange, silver orb device; laser guns; sparking tuning forks & then the Duke. Even if the man in her passenger seat was certifiably insane, it didn't explain everything else. Accepting that he was an alien would tie everything up in a neat little bow. But she couldn't just believe it . . . no matter how much she wanted to.
  "Stop just by the fence up there," says the Duke. Anise pulls up the car next to the construction site and turns off the engine and sits there thinking. As she does, the Duke gets out of the car, walks around to her door, opens it and says, "would you care to join me?"
He offers a hand to help her out. Anise stares at it, confused.
  "Wait. Just, wait a minute. If everything you've said is true, does that mean that, if I come with you . . . does that mean that I'll see a spaceship?"
  "Of course," says the Duke, moving his arm slightly to re-offer her his hand. Undoing her seatbelt, Anise takes his hand. Helping her to her feet, the Duke closes the door after her and, still holding her hand, leads her into the gap in the temporary fencing. The sun was finally rising and as they entered the half-complete first floor of the building, the orange light shone through the glassless windows, contrasting sharply against the cold, blue shadows. The Duke lets go of her hand as he heads over to the elevator doors.
  "Is this it?" asks Anise, her heart sinking as she looked around at the disconnected wiring, and the dust and dirt all over the floor.
  "It's a lot bigger than it looks," says the Duke. With a ding the door opens. The Duke steps into the elevator and flicks open the small panel beside the door on the back wall. Anise approaches out of curiosity, but couldn't see as the Duke retrieves a key from the chain around his neck, sliding it into the security lock inside the panel. As soon as he does, the rear door slides open and Duke steps inside his ship.
From a distance, Anise still didn't quite understand what she was seeing and so kept walking closer and closer until she was inside the elevator and then walked through onto the ship proper and the doors closed behind her. But even then she had trouble comprehending.
The room was tall, almost two storeys, and in the centre of the ceiling was a large column of clear glass with glowing blue lights, wires and machinery inside. Where the column attached to the ceiling it was surrounded with ornate Roman-style carved white marble. The entire roof was marble, a design that radiated out in a shallow dome that was almost ten metres across. There it attached to the walls, which were supported by eight large, marble pillars in each corner of the room. The walls themselves were made of some kind of steel which was covered with screens, panels and many small, round protuberances; and there were three other doors leading deeper into the ship. All of this sat on the floor which was a strange round chequered pattern of interchanging eggshell white and smoky light-grey marble tiles. The diamonds tiles were large at the edge of the room but became smaller and smaller as the pattern converged on the centre console, like a geometric spiderweb.
The console itself was a strange, eight-sided collection of jumbled, incomprehensible screens, levers, buttons, lights, controls, wires and circuitry, which surrounded the glass column in the centre.
Around the room was also some wooden furniture, what looked like some kind of Persian rug and a red velvet couch.
  "What on Earth is this?" asks Anise, looking up and slowly turning around to take it all in.
  "This is a Type Seventy-Two T.T. Capsule, Mark One. Miss Trevino, this is my 'spaceship'," says the Duke proudly as he approaches the console.
  "Wow . . . so it's all true then? The orb, the traveller and you. You're really an alien?"
  "Yes, I am," says the Duke, moving to another part of the console and fiddling with more of the equipment.
  "What are you doing?" asks Anise.
  "I'm trying to locate the orb. It's alien technology, it shouldn't be too hard to differentiate from terrestrial technology . . . but there are some anomalous readings here."
Anise walks up to console see what the Duke was doing, but it was nearly impossible to follow.
  "Wait a minute . . . didn't you say that the orb was like some kind of autopilot?"
  "Yes."
  "And you also said that the world was in danger."
  "Yes, you have a very good memory."
  "What I'm sayin' is, how could an autopilot be dangerous to Earth? Isn't that just like a sat-nav? How could that hurt anyone?"
The Duke turns from the console and approaches Anise.
  "You don't understand. This isn't just any autopilot. It's not from Earth. It's much more complicated than anyone on this planet have ever seen before. It wasn't built to drive cars around roads. It was built for war. The orb is part of an alien war machine. A self-contained explosive device that seeks out and destroys the enemy."
  "You mean a bomb? A smartbomb?"
  "Yes. A very smart bomb." The Duke returns to the console and continues to adjust controls and check the screens. After a few moments of fiddling, accompanied by beeping screens and blinking lights, the Duke excitedly points to one of the screens "Yes! There, look: direction withershins to terrestrial revolution, approximately thirty degrees towards the negative pole. I've found it!"
  "Alright then," says Anise, "how do we get there?"
  "In the ship, of course."
  "The ship moves?"
  "According to the laws of physics, technically no."
  "Then how do we get there?"
  "Like this . . ." The Duke pulls a lever on the console, and with a loud thud the entire room begins to rumble and shudder as the machinery in the centre of the glass column starts to shift up and down accompanied by a strange whirring, grinding, wheezing sound. Anise stumbles around before falling back onto the velvet couch to ride out the strange quake.
The Duke replaces the lever and the ship stops shaking with a final thud.
  "What just happened?"
  "To put it simply, we teleported," says the Duke, walking up to Anise and offering her his hand. Anise takes the hand to stand up.
  "Right, so where did we teleport to?"
  "I don't know, exactly," says the Duke, "but the orb is less than 35 feet beyond those doors. Hopefully, I can attain it and escape."
  "Hopefully?"
  "Yes. Time is of the essence, now will you accompany me or not? I may still need a guide."
  "Guide. Yes, okay then. Lead the way . . . Duke."
Duke gives Anise a smile and walks to the door they came in, which opens automatically. Then he steps inside the interior of the elevator facade. Anise steps in beside him and the door closes behind them. Duke then opens the panel beside the console door and locks it using the key around his neck.
  "We're back in the lift?" asks Anise.
  "Actually, we're still in the ship. As standard, the Type Seventy-Two includes a false interior, to better disguise itself as added security."
  "So, this is, like, the lobby?"
  "Yes, an elevator lobby." Closing the panel, Duke turns to look Anise in the eye. "Now, I must warn you. We will have bypassed a lot of security by materializing within this facility, but there may be personnel guarding the orb itself. If you feel like you're directly in danger, return here and press this button." says the Duke, pointing towards a button near the bottom of the panel with a picture of a red bell, "The Lift will do the rest."
Anise nods, and the Duke presses the button to open the doors; they do so with a neat ding. Outside was a carpeted hallway, and by the industrial grey carpet, immaculate white walls and stark, neon lighting it was obvious that it was some kind of office building.
  "This way," says the Duke, heading left. The hallway was empty, but Anise was nervous as she kept close behind. They came to a door with a small sign that read Research & Development. The Duke grabs the handle, but it's locked, so he reaches into his jacket and pulls out the small tuning-fork device.
  "What is that thing?" Anise asks.
  "This? It's a laser spanner."
  "Laser spanner, okay . . . is it going to unlock the door?"
  "How could I unlock a door with a spanner?" asks the Duke. Anise shrugs.
The Duke takes a step back and kicks in the door.
  "Cease and desist!" commands the Duke, stepping into the room. Anise follows him inside, and is surprised at the scene. It was an office, like those for a cubicle farm, but all of the furniture and partitions had been cleared leaving just carpet, a grid of supporting square pillars and floor to ceiling windows all along the far wall overlooking the sunrise. All over the carpet were electrical wires and cables, leading to a space in the centre where two men were working on a small machine that was hovering about two feet off the ground and attached to most of the cables. The men were wearing blue overalls, orange hard hats and goggles, and were staring at the Duke, shocked. The machine in the middle was about the size of an average refrigerator and looked like a small fighter jet, except that it was mostly brass-coloured, covered in wiring, had enormous, complicated jet turbines on the back and, due to its scale, half of the jet was the pilot seat, which was left with the canopy sitting open.
  "Who are you?" asks one of the workmen.
  "I am the Duke of Rathea, and I am here for the orb," says the Duke, pointing his laser spanner at the two men, in turn they raise their hands. "I will not harm you. I will just take what belongs to me, and I'll go."
  "Is that a spaceship?" asks Anise.
  "Yes, a Belosian Intergalactic Spacejet. I assume it doesn't belong to them either."
  "Look, fella, if you want the orb, you can take it," says one of the workmen, stepping towards the spaceship.
  "Step away from the jet!" yells the Duke, but the man ignores him, stepping closer.
  "We installed the nav-computer into the ship. I just have to detach it."
  "You put the orb in a Belosian spacejet . . . ?" says the Duke, in utter disbelief.
  "Don't worry, I can unplug what we've done so far," he says, reaching into the driver canopy."
  "No! Step away!" screams the Duke. Suddenly, the ship emits a loud, high-pitched beeping sound. Everyone covers their ears.
  "What the hell is that?!" screams Anise. Suddenly, the driver canopy slides shut, severing many of the wires leading into it. Then the engine turbines ignite and almost immediately the spacejet shoots forwards, blasting straight through the glass windows with a sharp crash, snapping the remaining cables. As the ship leaves the building, it angles upwards into the sky and out of sight. The Duke looks at the mess in sheer dumbstruck horror as wind whistles through the giant hole in the broken windows. Then he turns and marches up to the technician who'd fallen on the floor closest to the newly severed and sparking wires. He grasps the man by his lapels and lifts him off the floor, looking him straight in the eye.
  "Do you have any idea what you've done?!" screams the Duke.
  "I . . . I was trying to remove it. Really, I was," wails the man. The Duke drops him back on the floor.
  "You useless fool . . ."
  "Uh . . . Duke?" says Anise, stepping forward, "what exactly has he done?"
  "The orb is tamper-proof," says the Duke coldly and slowly as he replaces the laser spanner inside of his jacket, "If someone attempts to sever its connection to an active rocket engine, it is programmed to escape, find a target & destroy it."
  "What? It'll explode?" asks Anise, but the Duke shakes his head.
  "No, it's not attached to a bomb anymore. The orb is just the piloting module, it finds a target and flies straight at it. But these fools wired it into a Belosian spacejet . . ."
  "I don't understand, does the jet have rockets? lasers?"
  "The Belosians are a simple people, with simple technology, for the most part. The ship runs on ordinary rocket fuel . . . but it's designed to travel between galaxies. In order to hold that much fuel, the ship contains a very small portal, in the fuel tank, that leads to a pocket dimension. That dimension is filled to the brim with rocket fuel."
  "So it will explode?"
  "At first . . . but it takes a huge quantity of fuel to travel intergalactically. Once that tank ruptures, billions and billions of litres of rocket fuel will come gushing out in a toxic wave, covering everything with a poisonous flood. Anything that doesn't drown will suffocate from the gas fumes . . ."
The Duke turns to the door and walks slowly out.
  "Wait . . . wait!" calls Anise, running into the hall after him, "what are you doing?"
  "I'm leaving," says the Duke, not bothering to face her.
  "Where?"
  "Back to my own planet." Anise runs up behind him.
  "You can't just leave!" she screams. The Duke slowly turns to face her.
  "Your world is doomed. It's only a matter of time before the orb finds a worthy target and destroys itself. I might as well leave before I do any more damage."
  "Damage? But you've got a spaceship! And a laser spanner. You can do something!"
The Duke clenches his teeth and snarls through them, "Every world I set foot on crumbles to dust. Every country burns; every town bleeds & every person I've met has died in agony. Even if I try my best to save them, it all just seems to burn into ashes and slip through my fingers. I might as well leave before another world dies because of me . . ."
Anise looks him in the eye, then slaps him square in the face.
  "Ow! . . . how dare you!" the Duke growls.
  "My planet isn't dead yet, you arse. Before you go feelin' sorry for yourself, you could at least consider doin' the right thing. For goodness sake, I've met yer and I ain't dead yet."
The Duke sighs and shakes his head, "what would you have me do?"
  "We need to do something before the alien space-jet thingy locks onto a target."
  "We can't," says the Duke frowning, "if we try to do anything before it finds a target, then we would only risk making ourselves a . . ."
Suddenly, the Duke's eyes brighten up as he stares off into space.
  "What?" asks Anise. The Duke spins around, his leather coat swirling around him as he does so, and marches towards the Elevator. With Anise close behind he steps in, unlocks the interior and marches straight for the centre console. "Duke, what are you doing?"
  "I'm going to give the orb a target it can't resist. You might want to do up your safety belt, my dear." Anise sits down on the couch as the Duke messes with the console.
  "Where are we going?" asks Anise,
  "Up," says the Duke. He slams a button on the console and Anise feels her stomach sink as the entire ship shoots upwards with a rumbling sound. With a strange, low pop, the rumbling stops, and as the Duke adjusts the controls the ship stops ascending. Then with a ding, both the console room door and the exterior elevator door open, letting a cool wind whistle through the place. "I'll return in but a moment," says the Duke, disappearing through one of the other doors. Once he leaves, Anise slowly gets up off the couch and approaches the exit. She peeks outside and all she can see is a cloudy sky. She inches her way into the lobby, but as soon as she can see the ground over the lip of the door, with the rising sun peeking just above the horizon, she backs away slowly.
  "Oh my God . . . " she gasps, looking down at the city below. She could barely see the cars on the road, they were tiny specks. Looking up, she sees a small triangle in the distance, going around the edge of the city in a wide circle. From the speed it flew Anise knew it had to be the spacejet.
  "Anise, would you step aside, please?" asks the Duke. Anise turns and when she sees the Duke, she runs out of the way. In his hands, the Duke was holding what looked like a large water-pistol. Except it was buzzing softly, made of metal & the large barrel was wrapped with three rings of glowing, blue-neon light. The Duke cocks the rifle and as the lights pulsate the weapon makes a sound like a plane getting ready for lift-off. He pulls the trigger and something that looks like a ball of crackling lightning explodes from the end of the weapon and sails through the doors and into the sky.
  "What the HELL is that thing?" asks Anise.
  "This? It's rather useless." says the Duke, tossing the gun to the floor, "A lot of sound and fury, but the energy is barely lethal, and even then it disperses at little over 50 feet. But it is a weapon and it will have gained the attention of the orb."
  "Wait. Did you just turn us into a target?!" shrieks Anise, running to the door. Sure enough, the spacejet was getting larger and larger as it made it's way towards the ship.
  "Don't worry," says the Duke, "We'd never be able to outrun the spacejet in this ship, and even if we did it would just find a new target."
  "Is that supposed to make me feel better?!"
  "Calm down . . . that's why I didn't make the ship a target."
  "But it's comin' right for us!" Anise cries, pointing at the rapidly approaching ship.
  "It's not after the ship . . . it's after me," says the Duke. With that, he runs out the door.
  "DUKE!" screams Anise, she watches as Duke falls towards the ground, and the jet veers straight down to follow him. Anise slowly backs away from the door, shocked. The seconds seem to pass so slowly. Her entire world had been turned upside down so many times in the last few minutes, it was impossible to tell up from down. Nothing made any sense anymore.
  "Anise?" says a familiar, deep voice behind her. Anise turns, but can't see him.
  "Duke?" she says, approaching the console, where the voice was coming from.
  "Excellent, I've got the communicator working. This is the Duke."
  "I can tell, where the hell are you?"
  "I'm aboard the spacejet."
  "Right . . ."
  "I'm hailing you because you need to move the ship."
  "What?" asks Anise, her stomach sinking into her trainers.
  "As I feared, the jet's locked onto the T.T. Capsule. First, I need you to find a small, black button and press it." Anise looks at the complicated controls
  "How can I find anything in this mess?!"
  "Time is a factor, Anise." Anise looks over the console frantically, when she spots a very prominent lever.
  "Oh, bugger it." Anise randomly flicks three switches, presses a red button and, closing her eyes, she pulls the lever. With a thud, the ship starts to spin around wildly and Anise holds tight to the lever so as not to fall as the centre column starts to grind up and down, wheezing and whirring as it moves. Then the floor starts to shake and Anise lets go of the lever, the force sending her rolling across the rug on the floor. She tries to get to her feet and manages a low crouch until the ship stops with a thud, and knocks her off her feet again. Anise lies there for a moment before letting out a deep breath and finally getting off the ground.
  "Duke?" she says, but there's no answer. Anise walks up to the console and says it again, but still no answer, so Anise heads for the door. The console room door opens, but Anise is surprised to see the interior facade looks different. There are windows on both walls, looking at some kind of heavily structured frame, and the front doors themselves were basically a frame for two more large windows. Through them Anise could see a small landing across which was the doorway to another lift, that was obviously on another floor.
Anise steps forward but the doors don't move. Looking up and around she sees the word 'SORTIE' written on a small metal plaque above the door. She gives the doors a push before remembering how the Duke opened the doors before. Press the button on the panel to open the door, they slide open and immediately Anise notices how cold and dark it is outside. She walks out from the small elevator landing and sees a short railing amongst a skyline of blackness. As her eyes adjust she looks over the edge and can see a wide river in the distance, and a few scattered lights. Looking down, she can also just make out the foundations of the tower she was standing on, two widely spaced feet of steel, with criss-crossing supporting beams over the entire construction. Then, through the night air, there's the dull echo of an ambulance siren wailing through the streets, but it wasn't like the sirens in London, it was slow and melancholy.
  "Oh my God . . . I'm in Paris!" screams Anise, jumping up and down. She runs to the end of the railing and looks out over the River Seine, which was very quiet in the early morning before sunrise. Then she turns and looks up, but can't see the top of the tower against the darkness. "I'm on the Eiffel Tower!"
Anise runs around like a giddy schoolgirl, trying to see the cityscape through the dark as she stood, alone, on the second floor of the Eiffel tower. After a while, she sees the very beginnings of the sunrise, for a second time that day. The sun breaches the horizon and pours out over France. She feels the warmth on her face and smiles as she closes her eyes and soaks it in.
When she opens her eyes again, she sees something else on the horizon. A familiar triangular speck, but very far away.
  "Oh no . . ." Anise runs back to the ship and up to the console.
  "Duke! Duke, can you hear me?"
No answer.
  "Damn it, Duke!" she yells, running back outside. She peers around the side of the tower, but the triangle is still getting closer. She runs right back to the centre console and grabs hold of the lever, "Fairwell, Paris."
She pulls the lever and . . . nothing happens.
  "What? No . . . NO!" she yells, yanking the lever again. "Duke? The lever's not workin' . . . damn it Duke, answer me!"
Anise runs back outside and sees the ship is getting closer by the second. She runs to the edge of the railing and screams.
  "Duke! Can you hear me?!" The ship continues straight for the tower, less than a minute away. So Anise takes another look at the sun and closes her eyes. She can hear the engines roaring as it nears. Finally, taking a deep breath, Anise decides to face the monster and opens her eyes just as the ship is 30 feet away. However, with a sharp diminuendo, the engine quietens to a soft humm and the jet comes to a stop just inches from the railing. The driver canopy opens and the Duke stands up in his seat.
  "Here, catch," says the Duke, tossing something at Anise. With quick reflexes, Anise catches the thing and recognizes it as the orb.
  "You did it?!" cries Anise.
  "Well, it wasn't exactly easy," says the Duke, "could you not have relocated the ship a little further away?"
  "Couldn't you give a girl a little warning before you go sky-diving from thirty thousand feet without a parachute?!"
The Duke just sits down and closes the canopy. He flies the jet, slowly, up over the railing and, hovers not far over Anise's head, then navigates around the tower towards the Elevator. Anise jogs around to catch up with him.
He lands the spacejet, jumps out and enters the Elevator lobby, then retrieves the key from around his neck and opens the hidden panel. He unlocks one of the switches and pushes a button. As he does the lobby makes the sound of a moving lift, which looked rather odd since it didn't appear to be moving at all. Finally, a mechanical voice says 'Hangar Bay', and the doors slide open to reveal a dimly lit but very large space. The Duke swiftly hops back into the spacejet, and flies it inside. By the time Anise approaches the Elevator, the Duke had already walked back out and closed the door behind him.
  "Uh-uh . . . we don't want you wandering around in there," says the Duke.
  "Why not?" asks Anise. The Duke inserts the key in another switch and the elevator 'moves' again, without moving.
  "This ship is a lot larger than it appears. You wouldn't want to get lost down there. It could easily take you days to find your way out. Perhaps weeks. Months . . ."
'Console room' says the mechanical voice again, and the doors open to reveal just that.
  "Come on then," says the Duke. Anise follows him inside again.
  "Alright. What do we do with this now?" she says, holding up the orb. The Duke takes it from her and places it beside the console.
  "Now . . ." says the Duke grimly, fiddling with the controls, "I have to take that back home."
He pulls the lever with a thud, and Anise just manages to cling onto one of the marble pillars as the ship whirrs, grinds and groans; tilts, heaves and shifts and finally thuds.
  "But first, I have to take you back home."
The Duke walks to the door, which opens, and with a ding so too does the exterior door. He stands patiently beside it. Anise walks past him to find herself standing in the hallway just outside her apartment.
  "Home? Wait . . . what? I just go back home? Just like that?" she asks, turning to face him.
  "Yes. I have to take the orb back to my planet."
  "Take me with you!"
  "What?"
Anise runs back inside the ship.
  "This is a spaceship. We just saved the world! What, you want me to go back to my life? Partying, drugs and sex? That's nothing compared to a rush like this. We could go anywhere in the galaxy!"
  "Anise . . ."
  "Duke! You can't expect me to go back home, not after seein' all this. Please, can't I come back with you?" she says, walking right up next to him.
The Duke looks her in the eye, worried, and says: "No."
  "Why not?"
He opens his mouth, stops himself and closes it. Then closes his eyes and shakes his head.
  "Goodbye, Anise."
Slowly, she sighs and walks out of the Elevator. As the door closes behind her, Anise hears the thud and slow grinding sound of the ship, which begins to fade to silence as it slowly vworps away.

Anise had made herself another cup of coffee and was sitting on the couch, staring at the wall when her phone rang. Lazily she wandered over and picked it up.
  "Anise."
  "Annie, it's Bianca! What are you doing?"
  "It's six in the morning, Bee. I was out saving the world."
  "'Lol'," says the voice on the phone, chuckling, "Really funny, honey. I'm calling because there's a party at Simon's today. I was thinking we could have pre-drinks at mine. You interested?"
Anise looks over at her couch, where an alien man had been sleeping earlier that day and shakes her head.
  "Sure, why not. I have nothing better to do with my life."
  "Mhmm . . . okay then," says the voice on the phone, "starts at 8 o'clock, but you can rock up whenevs. See you then, Annie!"
  "Bye," says Anise, but Bianca had already hung up.
Anise has another shower, to wash off what was left of her adventure and puts on more clubbing clothes. A loose-fitting, pale blue short-sleeved shirt with a little vest and two long and loose silver necklaces; a pair of denim cut-offs; a stack of bangles on her left wrist; deep mascara and eye-liner with a light dabbling of glitter gel around her right eye & black heels.
  "If I'm gonna live a wasted life, I might as well be wasted . . ." Anise tells the sad girl in the mirror. Heading for the door, she grabs her phone and keys off the bench and slips them in her pockets. She heads for the lift and presses the Down button. The door opens immediately with a ding, to reveal the Duke.
  "What are you doing here?" asks Anise
  "I'm sorry," says the Duke, "I was incredibly selfish before. It's true that I can't take you back to my planet, but the fact remains that you helped in no small part to save this planet from devastation and retrieve the orb. Yet, for your effort, you've been given nothing in return. This is an injustice, in my opinion. So, in return for your efforts to save this world and preserve order, I will take you anywhere you want to go."
Anise crosses her arms and peers at him through sharp, piercing eyes.
  "It took you an hour to change your mind?"
  "It was much longer, from my perspective."
  "Right . . ."
  "I mean it I'll take you anywhere you want to go. Or any time."
Anise opens her mouth, then closes it.
  "Did you say any time?"
  "Yes," says the Duke, "I told you before, it's a timeship. It travels through space–"
  "–and time?" says Anise, smiling, "that's impossible."
  "Then let me show you how to accomplish the impossible," says the Duke, offering his hand. Unable to contain the smile on her face, Anise takes his hand and the two of them enter the Elevator. "So, Anise Trevino, where do you want to go?"
Anise just smirks and says: "Everywhere . . ."

Monday 1 July 2013

For F_ck's Sake

Fuck . . . I didn't want to censor the title of this blog, but I was worried that people would be 'offended'. It makes me feel literally unwell when I have to do that. I don't like having to censor swear words, because it's so unnatural. I have to stifle myself, who I am and the way my mind works.
That's why there's swear words throughout this post, and indeed throughout my blog. I'm Australian, I like to swear. I consider it a national pastime and a part of our cultural identity, as the spawn of foul-mouth sailors and convicts. Swearing is a part of who I am. If I had to remove all the swear words, then I might as well remove all the other words too, because they are just as much a part of me.
But that's not the reason that I like to swear in the casual way that I do. It's actually a lot deeper than that. I swear because I see that this 'offence' at swearing or 'curse words' is an outdated and backwards notion and I want to eliminate it entirely. The Word of the Day is: 'CURSE'.
Curse /kers/ n. 1. The expression of a wish that evil things will happen to someone. 2. Swearing; a blasphemous or obscene oath. 3. An evil that has been called upon someone. 4. The Curse, Colloquial menstruation. ♦v.t. 5. To wish or call evil, accident, or injury upon. 6. To swear at. 7. To cause to suffer from. ♦v.i. 8. To swear; utter curses.
There is one reason why I like to swear, above all others. 'Curse' Words are still words, and I believe they deserve the same respect as other words. But this also means they deserve the same standard. So before you go swearing up a storm, I want you to remember how dumb this sounds:
"Oh my God, I was, like, in the - like - thing. And . . . like, the guy that a like was, like . . . I dunno, just like so . . . I dunno, it was like 'oh-my-god', like, do you know what I, like, mean?"
When you overuse words, you sound like a moron with the vocabulary of a stoat. So when you fucking talk like a fucking motherfucking fucker who fucking swears every second-fucking word . . .
You just sound like a fucking moron. There are so many words in the English language, if you keep leaning on one like a crutch, it's going to be pretty obvious that you are mentally handicapped. So this isn't open season for cursing and I don't want to stir up a verbal shitstorm, but I want people to appreciate words for what they really are, and not how people have trained them to feel about them.
You see, I understand that this 'offence' at swear words is something that we were taught. When we hear a bad word, in our minds we go "Ooh! Bad Word!" and chastise the speaker. But have you ever asked Why?

There's a couple of reasons for this, but today, I am going to explain why all of them are stupid.

Some people complain that Rude Words "Mean Rude Things" and that's why we shouldn't say them. Right off the bat, this is fucking stupid. Because, right there, when I said "fucking stupid" while some people would get offended with the word "fucking", they wouldn't give two shits about the word "stupid". But stupid is quite a rude thing to say! You're doubting, demeaning or denying someone's intelligence, that's a very rude and disrespectful thing to do. Why can we then say the word 'stupid' without people getting upset?
No, it's not because it's "less offensive", that claim holds no water. Because I can, in fact, call someone a panty-sniffing child molester, and you can't do a damn thing about it, because I "didn't swear". I would argue that calling someone a panty-sniffing child molester is a much harsher insult than calling them, say, a bastard. In fact, there are a lot of words that we can say that are ruder, so why can I say one and not the other?
In fact, when you think about it, they don't actually mean rude things. Let's look at some of these supposedly harsh words here:
  • Arsehole - Well, that's just your anus. It's a part of your body, and it serves a vital function . . . oh no, I'm so offended(!)
  • Bastard - A child born out of wedlock. Unless this is the 1800s, we've outgrown this kind of nonsense.
  • Bitch - A female dog. I like dogs, but it is also used for an unkind person (often female) that causes unpleasant things to happen to others.
  • Cunt - A vagina. What is this, third grade? Getting embarassed when someone mentions a vagina is just childish.
  • Fuck - Sex, a vital function for the survival of the species, which is also very pleasurable. Why am I doing this? We know what 'fuck' means . . .
  • Shit - Poop. Faeces. Crap. Post-digestion Biological Waste. It stinks, and that's about the entire joke with crap.

I can call you a crappy anus, and it would just sound odd. But if I call someone a shitty arsehole, then we get offended? HOW DO YOU PEOPLE MAKE THIS DISCONNECT?!! They mean the same fucking thing!
Sure, some words have been reconstituted to have a broader and more flexible meaning, but that's because insults are so often metaphors. They need that flexibility for the variety of offense that we wish to cause.
The only word here that can be considered 'rude' is bitch, since it means 'unkind person'. But I don't believe that means we can't say it. It exists for a reason and that reason doesn't have to be unpleasant.

Among my friends and family, the word 'bitch' is often used for people who do mildly annoying things, such as avoiding housework or complain too much. I would call such words Terms of Debasement, similar to "Terms of Endearment", but rather than trying to lift up someone's spirits to show your respect, you show your respect by giving them the same treatment as you expect of yourself. It's a measure of equality and kinship.
And if you think that's offensive, then you disgust me and I think you are offensive.

Another reason people complain about "swear words" is what I would call the Think of the Children Argument. This is essentially the point that, whether or not I personally find the words offensive, others do and I should cater to their whims by censoring words. This argument is goddamned ridiculous.
I call this the Think of the Children Argument, because that's often how it's implemented. If you are on children's television, or often seen by young people, then you can't swear because the words will somehow infect their precious little ears, so you can't say it. But let's do the world a favour and collectively wake up to this stupidity. Because this claim is ridiculous, for three reasons.

Firstly, children don't know what the words mean. Children can't be offended by these words because they don't know why they are offensive. Not that they are, in my opinion, offensive; but even if they were, what sense is there in banning a word that kids don't know? Kids are gonna learn them anyway. I know, because people have been doing this don't swear around children routine for years, and swear words still exist. So obviously those kids grew up, became adults and learned them anyway, so any purpose served by postponing their knowledge of these words is defeated when they grow up.

Secondly, you DO know what the words mean. This post is called "For F_ck's Sake" because I am arguing for the sake of swear words. When you read that, you, mentally, read the word Fuck. I didn't write it, but you read it . . . so what purpose does the underscore serve beyond appeasing stupid people? Everyone who knows the word "fuck" is going to read the word "fuck" when I write f_ck. Or even when I write f*ck; f██k; f---; the F-word; frig; frick; frell; flarn or frak, in this context. These words all exist as placeholders for the real word, but why? You KNOW what the word is, why do I have to pretend you don't? Louis C.K. made this point himself: when you use a placeholder word for a "more offensive" word, you aren't removing the original word, you're just playing pass the parcel and making the listener say the word instead. Sure, people who don't know the word "fuck" won't read fuck. But then again, if they don't know they word, THEN THEY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS ANYWAY!!
Oh my God! Why are people so fucking stupid. The only reason I censored the word is because other people might link to this blog, and that is what is expected of me. But it doesn't do a damn thing, so can't we all accept that?

Thirdly, the third and final reason why the "Think of the Children" Argument is flawed: "By making the words 'banned', you make them more desirable."
You might think that banning a word makes people want to avoid them, but that's completely wrong. If you want to know the reason why, then whatever you do:
DON'T click --> This Link <-- Right Here
You're not allowed to, so don't do it. It may be a lot of fun, and even I have clicked on the link and enjoyed it. But it's not for you. You wouldn't even understand why it's so cool and how it explains everything, you're too stupid to understand, so I'm just here to tell you not to click the link. In fact, you'll be in trouble if I found out that you did click the link. So just don't do it, because I told you not to, okay . . .?


You clicked the button, didn't you? Or, at least, you wanted to. It's only natural that you would be curious what's behind a link if I tell you not to look there. If I tell you not to do something, your mind immediately asks Why? Even if you don't, kids do. It's a key facet of childhood that we want to learn; we want to know & we want the truth. If you then tell us that there are truths we cannot know, then we want to know even more. Especially with something as stupid as swear words, which are so prevalent and yet kept from us, as kids it feels like we're being kept out of some sort of special club that encompasses everyone but us, and in a way we are . . .

The biggest reason we don't tell kids about rude things is because kids are horrible people. There are a lot of kids that, after Sexual Education, will march around going "Boys have a Penis, Girls have a Vagina."
The reason they do that is because someone told them not to. They tell them "don't say that, it's crude!" and when the kid sees how embarrassed people get, they do it even more for the attention it gets them. Kids crave attention, and if they find a quick way to get attention is to say something embarrassing, they do that.
The same thing happens with rude words. If a kid hears a rude word, and you say "Don't say that!" and get all embarrassed, they'll say it even more to get attention, pretty much until you smack them.

This leads directly into my ultimate thesis for this post.

There is no real reason for 'rude words' to be banned in the way they are. The only power that curse words have is the power we give them by telling everyone not to say them. Even though there are words both similar to and worse than swear words, we give them a greater power by being offended by them. But there is no need for this offense. So why does the offense exist?
Its existence is related to the word 'curse'. We call them 'curse' words. Why? Because we believed they would literally curse people. Back when people believed that God was not only real, but that he interacted on a daily basis, they believed that if you said "Goddamn you!", then they literally meant that God should not only damn you, but that he actually did, since God is Righteous and all that. They believed that these words were like magic curses with literal power over the world, and speaking them aloud incurred punishment. Especially blasphemy, as God is Vengeful too, and has every right to kill you if you blaspheme.
This notion has warped and twisted, but it's still the core reason why we fear these words. Old-fashioned superstitions and nonsense.
But it doesn't have to stay this way. All we have to do is stop letting 'rude words' sit on the outside of language so much. I can guarantee that if we stopped all this fear of swear words, then swear words would cease to exist. If others would just start to swear casually - not all the fucking time, mind you, just when appropriate - then swear words would cease to exist and we would just have words. All words would be words again, and kids would have no more interest in saying 'fuck' than they would in saying 'denouement'; because it would just be another word. As it should be and, in fact, always has been.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and if you've got a problem with all the swearing people do these days, then the solution is simple: stop being such a prick about it.

Wednesday 26 June 2013

Ignorance is This

EDIT 09/11/2015: I fixed up some of the language to reflect my current understanding and education in relation to these words and their meaning, and also changed some of the less charitable word choices to be more forgiving. My position has not changed, so the meaning of this blog post has not changed, merely its attitude

I hate it when people misuse words. Words exist to communicate ideas, and when you try to warp their meaning, you make communication more difficult. But there's a certain kind of misused word that really annoys me, and that's the entitled misused word. Words like "terrorism" when it's used to fight wars; words like "nigger" when it's used to demean & words like "love" when it's used to control.
These words have meanings that are misused and misapplied in such a way as to benefit the speaker while confusing the listener. Of all the misused words, there is a certain misused word that I keep hearing ALL the time. It's starting to seem like people are building their whole lives around it, despite the fact that the word they are looking for doesn't exist.
The Word of the Day is: 'AGNOSTIC'.
Agnostic /ag'nostik/ n. 1. Someone who believes that human knowledge is limited to experience and that God is unknowable. ♦n. 2. Having to do with agnostics or their beliefs. 3. Claiming that all knowledge, or a particular question, is relative and uncertain.
I am an Atheist, myself. That means, I don't believe there is a god. Now, the opposite of Atheism would be Theism, which is belief is a god. This is a binary system. Do/Don't. It can't get simpler than that. You can try to complicate it with "Polytheism" or "Spirituality", but in answer to the question "Do you believe in God?" there are two possible answers, 'Yes' and 'No'. But some people seem to believe this exists on a sliding scale that goes:
Atheism - - - - - - - Agnosticism - - - - - - - Theism
There's this deeply ingrained belief that "Agnostic" means "I believe there 'might' be a god". This doesn't make any sense to me at all. Either you think something is or you think it isn't. As I said, binary system. Like a lightswitch, ON or OFF. Even if you try to hold a lightswitch in the middle, the light will always be either on or off. Even if it's flickering, at any one moment it's either on or off, it can't be both at the same time. More importantly, it can't be neither at the same time, it must be one or the other.

But let's stop on that for a moment, because this isn't about my inability to perceive their beliefs. I also don't understand how someone logical can still believe in God in this day and age, but people do. So let's move onto something more important.

Agnostic does NOT mean "Someone who believes their 'might' be a God". If you believe that is the case, then the definition is right up there, check it out. But more than that, I want to introduce you to another word: GNOSTIC.
This is the opposite of 'agnostic', and I'm gonna get Dictionary to give you the definition, so you don't go thinking it means "Someone who believes there might not be a god".

Gnostic /'nostik/ adj. 1. Relating to knowledge. 2. Having knowledge, especially knowledge of spiritual things. 3. (cap.) Related to or common to the Gnostics. ♦n. 4. (cap.) A member of any of certain sects among, or religiously similar to, the early Christians, who claimed to have superior knowledge of spiritual things.

The 'a-' prefix in agnostic, (generally) means "not", just like it does in words like asexual, amoral or asymmetric. It is the opposite of the word Gnostic and Gnosis is the Greek word for "knowledge", often used in the context of spiritual knowledge. While I could easily take this moment for the stealth insult of claiming all agnostics have no knowledge, this actually goes a lot deeper. Because even these supposed 'agnostics' can read this and think:
"Yeah, NOT and KNOWLEDGE, so it means I DO NOT KNOW. Makes sense to me."
But this isn't talking about what you do know, it's talking about what you can know. If you think "I don't know if God exists or not, but if you show me proof either way then I will believe/disbelieve accordingly", then claiming you are agnostic is not the full story. See, Dictionary says that agnostics believe "God is unknowable".
True Agnostics are, basically, those that believe that there is no evidence for God because of God's Nature, and that God is imperceivable in any way. It doesn't mean "I can't tell if God exists, so I can neither confirm nor deny" it actually means "I can't see, feel, know or understand God, the supernatural or the nature of spirituality".
You may note, that this doesn't make any claims about your position on existence, it's not fence-sitting, it is the claim that you can't know something without evidence. See, this isn't a sliding Scale, it's just another binary system. Rather than a sliding scale, the scoreboard looks like this:

Agnostic/Gnostic
Atheism/Theism

There's four potential beliefs here

Gnostic Theism
This is most religions. They believe there is a god, and they can understand that god's will and percieve what they call its influence on the world. These tend to be the more fundamentalist and irrational bible-thumpers; sometimes, literally insane.

Agnostic Theism
This is the belief that there is a god, but you cannot percieve or know him in any way, you just have to have faith. They are more likely to question religious claims. These are often called "moderate" theists; they are harmless and kind people.

Gnostic Atheism
This is the belief that, through science, we will come to understand everything about the universe. There are no gods, and it is impossible for there to be a god. These are often called "hard-line atheists" and they tend to be quite conceited.

Agnostic Atheism
This is the belief that there is no proof of a supernatural deity, and pragmatically speaking, there is no god. These are most commonly called "Skeptics", and while there are different degrees of skepticism, this tends to be the most scientific position.

I identify myself as an Agnostic Atheist, but these days it misrepresents my true beliefs, so I tend not to do that anymore in public forums. Because people think it means that I am still a 'little bit' theist. But I am not at all, I am just open-minded, and capable of accepting the concept of the supernatural; however as a logical man, I also know that possibility is not the same as reality, so I make a fundamental pragmatic assertion that when something cannot be observed in any way, then it should not be treated as though it can be observed in any way.
However, I was frustrated with the amount of time I had to spend explaining to people what Agnostic really meant whenever someone asked me about my faith, since people kept sticking to this "agnostic means I don't know" myth.

To be perfectly clear here - there is no one word for the "religious fence-sitter". I can think of a few words that I would choose such as ignorant, uneducated and foolish. But that's just name-calling which, while deserved, is deconstructive.
Sure, if you don't know the truth then you are definitely an agnostic. But that's still doesn't answer the question of faith. It's like if someone asked my favourite flavour of ice-cream, and I said "with sprinkles on top". It's the unimportant part of the wrong answer to the given question.

But it's impossible to have this answer of "I don't know" because it's a binary system. You either believe that something exists is or you don't. We all know that both are intellectually possible, but we do believe one. If you think I'm being unreasonable, allow me to explain my position.


Going back to the lightbulb analogy, when a lightbulb is first made, it is off. It's only after it's plugged into the power source that it becomes on, but it is still in that binary system, on or off. It's the same with people.
All born children are atheists, because they have yet no religion or belief, they are babies. It's the default position. In the absence of matter, there is a vacuum & in the absence of thought there is atheism, it's super simple stuff - I recognize that those words could be quote-mined by fundamentalists to insult atheists, but the fact is, it's true; atheism is not an arrogant position, it's just the default, logical position. It is in the most literal way, common sense. Even religion knows this, that's why they invented baptism, to introduce children to God, they know that all children are born without any theistic belief. But, baptised or not, the child is an atheist until it is presented with either religion, philosophy or science regarding the nature of the universe. But as soon as these issues are brought to your attention, you need to make up your mind:
Do I believe that a God created all of this?

I want to remind you, I am not telling you to be an atheist. I know that I'm right, but religious folks know that they are right as well, such is the fickle nature of knowledge. No matter how much paperwork, fact or support I have on my side, this is still a question of personal discovery and belief. Indoctrinated fact is still indoctrination, and everyone deserves the chance to question what they are told as truth. So you need to discover for yourself what you believe in. I'm not telling you what to choose, I am merely asking you to make a choice.

If you are over the age of 12, and haven't decided what you believe about the universe yet, you are ignorant. Literally, you are ignoring reality.
This is one of the most important questions in the world, and you couldn't come up with an answer? The worst part is, this isn't a question about fact, it's a question about faith. It's a question about what is happening in your own head!
If you don't know what you are thinking or believing within your own head, then you are just being ignorant, and I make no apologies for that.
If you still haven't made up your mind by now, you're not Agnostic you're Ignorant.

If you don't like being ignorant, then answer this simple question: Do you believe there is a God?

Take your time, because if you have finished primary school and answer with anything other than Yes or No, then you are both Ignorant and Incorrigible.


Now please, spread the Word! That is, the word 'agnostic' and what it really means. Or, hell, just link self-proclaimed agnostics to this page and let them learn the hard way, because I am getting sick of this misused language. People seem to think they can hide behind this 'I don't know' state of affairs. But the truth is, it's a cop-out for the weak willed. Just someone too scared to admit how they really feel or too spineless to put their foot down and make a decision. Some people are really proud of their agnostic beliefs, but I don't understand how anyone can feel proud about not having made up their mind.
So let's reintroduce the word agnostic to the masses, and represent this misguided subculture for what they really are: Indecisive Ignorants.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and in case you were wondering, my favourite flavour of ice-cream is strawberry ripple.