A List Full of Cash Cows

The most fun I’ve had with this “Hollywood Dollars” trilogy is that I came up with it on a whim, because of the title of the first instalment. And naming them backwards from the “Man with No Name” trilogy. This means that, as an added bonus, the titles will sit in descending order in my archives. But the fact is, this is part 3.

If you haven’t read Part 1 or Part 2, and wish to read this in order, feel free to do so now. But it’s not necessary. In a year or so, the times will all be put out of whack anyway, since today I’m looking ahead to movies that are to be released in a year or so. But not just any movies, remember!
Because, the Word of the Day is ‘ADAPTATION’.

Adaptation /Adap’tayshən/ n. 1. The act or result of adapting; adjusting. 2. Literature a work rewritten for a different presentation: adaptation of a book for the stage.

Okay, This is promising to be a long post [Editor’s Note: Like REALLY damn long], since I’ve got a lot to say with these lists, so let’s do this part quick. Adapting another’s work to film is a tricky business. Once you take one thing, and change it into a different medium, it’s too different to be relative to its former self.

A lot of people say: “The Book’s better than the Film!”
Humbug! I say. The only reason people think that is because you take a much longer time with a book. It’s a personal journey you travel at your own pace. But have you ever read a novelization of a film? I once read a Toy Story book. Spoiler Alert: (It sucked).

But some stories translate to screen better than others, and you can’t really generalize. So, I’ve looked at the upcoming film adaptations of the next year and I have categorized them to find the “Top 10” Best and Worst.
However, in my research, I came across quite a few films that just, well, weirded me out. I was either confused or left speechless. So I have included a third category for films that left me flabbergasted.
I also mention other film adaptations throughout the list, but please note, these are not ALL of the adaptations of the upcoming year. Seriously, there’s over a hundred of these. So any I don’t mention, I either know nothing about, or I need more information before I can formulate a proper opinion to elaborate further.
Now, Without Further Ado! Here we go!

A.W.N.’S TOP 10 FILMS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO FOR 2013:

10. The Mask of Red Death
I love Edgar Allen Poe. Who doesn’t? I like what I’ve read, and although I haven’t read ‘The Mask of Red Death’, it’s premise of a freaky plague victim killing people in a manor house is great for a horror movie. But this movie now promises to place this story in Post-Apocalyptic London? Not to mention the only signed-on actress, Charlie Bond, looks eerily beautiful . . . where can I buy a ticket?
Of course, filmmakers are going nuts with old books with expired copyright, so we’re also getting not one, but TWO new movies about Mary Shelley’s monster: “Frankenstein” & “I, Frankenstein” (sadly not an Asimov crossover). While these movies don’t suck, they weren’t as good a cut as the Top 10.

09. World War Z
At first, I yawned at the prospect of a new zombie movie. Even based off a best-seller and with Brad “Joe Black” Pitt signed on. But what sold me was the new ‘feature’ of their zombies I saw in the trailer. Just look at zombies piling over one another. That’s freakin’ scary! And looks crazy awesome. Sure, I’d pay to watch that. What I won’t pay to watch is someone try to squeeze a romance plot out of a zombie movie called “Warm Bodies”. I’ll read the book maybe. Of course, then there was "The Forest of Hands and Teeth", which I didn’t even know was a zombie movie until I googled it. Sounds pretty cool . . . but just not as cool as Brad Pitt fighting zombies in WWZ. Sorry.

08. R.I.P.D.
I don’t know where I first heard of the graphic novel. But the “Rest In Peace Department” just ticks so many of my boxes. ‘Back from the Dead’ stuff is great for drama. Add in the ‘All in a day’s work’ ethic of a cop on the beat, and finally some monsters to fight? That’s a hell of a good movie, in my opinion. I think graphic novels are good fodder for film, in general. But this "Darkchylde" thing, while it has some creepy nightmare stuff, this just looks like softcore to me. There’s also "Sin City: A Dame to Kill For", (but I’ve already seen a good Sin City, so I don’t care), and finally "Morgan Kane: The Legend Begins" which I’ve never heard of, so I’ll keep my eye on it, but I’m not looking forward to it like I am with R.I.P.D. and it’s premise. 

07. Pacific Rim
“What is Pacific Rim adapted from?” I hear you ask. Why, Japanese monster movies, of course! In the movie, they call these monsters “Kaiju” in reference to the movie phenomenon, and the fact that the entire movie is a lead up and into just one monster fight? I think they’re giving this kind of film the scale that it needs. And with Guillermo del Toro at the helm, and Ellen McLain (aka GlaDoS) signed on to voice their computer, this films pedigree just gets better and better. Some might ask, “If I want to watch a ‘kaiju’ movie, why not just watch the “Godzilla” remake that they're promising?
Because if I wanted to watch Godzilla films, I’d watch Godzilla films. CG isn’t better than puppets of claymation, why would I watch someone else try to ruin a classic?

06. Ender's Game
Although, the aliens are called ‘buggers’, (make of that what you will) we’re ignoring Orson Scott Card’s homophobia for now, because this movie intrigues me. It’s the future: cool. Main character is a teenaged super-genius: wicked cool. He’s training for the war: okay. He trains in zero-gravity virtual environments with lasers: DUDE!
And there’s drama because other people hate Ender for being a genius. So yeah, I’m gonna watch it. I like sci-fi, but I hate the ridiculously political/complicated sci-fi, like "Dune". It’s the same reason why I like "John Carter" (which you need to see by the way), it’s all the cool stuff, explained naturally. And also the same reason I don’t care about "Hyperion". I mean, even the title sounds like way too much research to understand.

05. Man of Steel
What do you expect? I’m the Absurd Word Nerd after all. Actually, I want to see this because I haven’t seen a good superman movie (you failed me, Christopher Reeve) and so I want to see it done right. That’s not to say this will be done right. They’ve got Christopher Nolan on board, (who did the Dark Knight trilogy) and while that movie was good, it was a little too realistic, grim and gritty for the likes of Clark Kent. But from the trailers I’ve seen, they have an idea of what their doing. And while it’ll probably draw out the movie as long as they can before putting him in the suit, I expect it will be worth the wait. Don’t let me down, Superman!

04. The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
I have to. I saw the first one, and it didn’t suck, so I have to see the next one. As I understand it, they’re actually going to finish the story here, and the next will be a sort of ‘interim’ movie, to connect the Hobbit movies to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. So that means here we’ll actually get to see Smaug (who has until now, only been seen partially, or as a fiery blur), so it’s got a lot of promise. I do like this sort of ‘follow the little hero’ fantasy epic. Which is why I am also keeping an eye on "Jack the Giant Slayer”, a film adapted from the fairytale of the same name. I’ve never been an orc, or an elf, but if your main character is a hobbit, or a Jack, I feel like I can better relate to it, so let’s hope for the best from these two.

03. The Seventh Son
From "The Wardstone Chronicles", better known as “The Spook’s Books” for UK and Australian readers in particular, this film promises to adapt Joseph Delaney’s “The Spook’s Apprentice/The Last Apprentice” story to film. That alone has me enthused, I love these stories. But the spook is none other than Jeff “The Dude” Bridges? Oh, I swooned.
Promises of other Young Adult books like "Beautiful Creatures" & "Paranormalcy", while still interesting, are blown out of the water by the tight, thrilling story of Tom Ward and John Gregory as they fight off the forces of the Dark. Then again, those two movies are more aiming for the Twilight fandom, whereas I believe the Spooks series could be the next Harry Potter phenomenon. If you haven’t got the books yet, get them! They’re AWESOME!

02. John Dies at the End
Spoiler Alert: John Dies at the End. But that’s just the end of the story . . . there’s a lot more to it than that. The How, Where, Why & What of John’s death are just a glimpse into a bigger world of trans-dimensional drugs, imaginary creatures and lots of dick jokes. I loved the book. It’s got that surreal humour of other comedy authors, grounded in the reality of a scared little man named David Wong. My only issue is, it seems to follow the story pretty closely, so make up your mind NOW if you want to read the book first or see the movie, because there will be no surprises afterward. Oh, except for the sequel: “ThisBook is Full of Spiders: Seriously Dude, Don’t Touch It!” Which I have yet to finish reading, because I want to re-read the JD@TE first. Yes, it’s that good.

01. Iron Man 3
Oh, like I even had to say it. But it’s not just because I watched and loved the first two (yes, even Justin Hammer) that makes me want to watch Iron Man 3, but also it looks like they’re doing the ‘rogue suit’ storyline, where the Iron Man armour, sans Stark, slaps around Tony for being a drunk (at least, that’s how I understand it). That alone is ripe for drama, but then there’s the Mandarin on top of that! His hair looks ridiculous, but whatever, Ben Kingsley still acts awesome, and the Mandarin is his arch-nemesis. I can’t wait.
There’s also new sequels for all Avengers except Hulk with "Captain America: The Winter Soldier" & "Thor: The Dark World". I’m going to watch those movies anyway, but more than both of them I really want to know what’s happening with Tony Stark and his pimped-out prosthesis.

A.W.N.’S TOP 10 FILMS THAT ARE A BAD IDEA THIS 2013:

10. The Wolf of Wall Street
Firstly, a movie with ‘Wolf’ in the title that is not actually about werewolves is always going to piss me off. But more than that, who cares about Wall Street? This movie’s description is ‘a stockbroker refuses to cooperate in a large securities fraud cause involving–‘
BOOOOOORIIIIING. Sure, DiCaprio can act, there’s no denying that after Inception. But can he make the stock market interesting?
Eh, Meh, Nyeh . . . No. Sorry, but No. Another adaptation with a misleading title is "Black Wings Has My Angel". But this pisses me off less because A) It’s based on a crime pulp fiction novel from the 1950s, and they can have weird titles & B) It’s a Crime Thriller of the 1950’s! That sounds pretty cool. I’ll keep my eye on that one.

09. Jack Ryan
“Based on Characters by Tom Clancy” That’s pretty much all I needed to hear. to be sure, I looked into this Jack Rya character on my old friend, Wikipedia. I got about four paragraphs in, then started skimming, then gave up. It's boring . . .
So let's talk about "Serena". Set during the depression, and I quote: "George Pemberton's timber empire becoems complicatred when it is learned that his wife, Serena, cannot bear children." Admittedly this too sounds boring. But Depression, business issues and family conflict all sounds like fodder for drama. It doesn't sound like something I would enjoy, but I've been surprised before. I'm much more interested in Pemberton's housewife than I am in "Jack Ryan, C.I.A. agent", that's for damn sure.

08. Jeepers Creepers 3: Cathedral
A sequel for a horror movie is always a bad idea. I mean, you already know the stakes if they’re able to do a sequel. For one thing, it means the monster isn’t dead, which ruins any potential catharsis of the originals. It makes the monster unstoppable (and as Bane taught us, we need hope otherwise there’s nothing to lose). And lastly, it’s Jeepers Creepers! Those movies weren’t really scary. I’ll admit some of the stuff was gross, and at times the creature was ‘creepy’ but never horrifying. And we already know the Jeepers Creepers monster, so what more does it need to do?

07. Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
This one is very simple. The first one sucked. I don’t like watching movies that suck. And it wasn’t just the story, the story seemed pretty cool. But the actors are either B-list or lower, and the main character is boring. I don’t know if it’s the actor’s fault or the director’s fault. But it’s someone’s fault that it sucked, because you have to try pretty hard to make Greek Gods boring. Speaking of Ancient Gods, another ancient tale to be remade is "The Monkey King" a story about magic, monkeys and Japanese folklore which promises to be better than anything about Percy Jackson. And despite being Made in China, it is apparently being filmed in both Mandarin and English, but I’m not sure, so keep an eye out for updates in that respect.

06. Tom Sawyer & Huckleberry Finn
No, these books are not suited for film. There are some interesting plot points with treasure, cross-dressing and murder. But these books seem more like a character piece. I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m sure Mark Twain’s writing is swell. But as a movie, it seems like it doesn’t have much of a point, so long as they don’t add extra scenes. Not that I mind directors adding their own scenes, where necessary. Extra scenes are the only thing I can think of to save the upcoming “Noah" film from being a flop. It’s the story of Noah, I know how it ends! And for those six or seven people that haven’t heard the story before, it’s a pointless story anyway, it teaches you nothing of truth or value.

05. Pet Sematary
Again, just no. There’s a reason all Stephen King books suck on film. It’s the same reason Twilight sucks as a film. The story is stupid. The only reason people like his books is because he is good at the atmosphere and making everything sound creepy with his writing. But that cannot translate to film. Not to mention this is a film about dead things “coming back evil”, which has been done before and better. And by that token, "The Ten O'Clock People" should not be a movie either. It’s about smokers who take drugs and then ‘discover reality’. Do I really need to explain why this is boring? Come on, people. Stephen King is a bad storyteller, don’t you get that yet?

04. The Smurfs 2
The Smurfs sucked. Thus and therefore, Smurfs 2 will suck. I’m not saying sequels to bad movies are always bad. I mean, I didn’t like Batman Begins, and look where that took us? But the reason this will suck is because it looks like it does the same thing as the first movie. Same goofy acting, same bad premise, same style. And on top of that, the ‘Naughties’ freak me out. Seriously, when I first saw the image of Smurfette turning into a Naughty, I got chills. That face resides deep in the pits of the Uncanny Valley for me. She looks like the original Miss Piggy puppet before they fixed her eyes. Just having to find the link for that image has given me chills. Those eyes, man . . . eurgh.

03. Uncharted: Drake's Fortune
Despite the racist undertones and poor storyline of the original game, I do believe this would make a great movie: Young dude, out solving ancient mysteries of archeology while bad guys are trying to kill him. The problem is, we already HAVE that movie. Four of them. They’re called Indiana Jones. “Oh, but wait,” I hear you say, “This may be like Indiana Jones, but it’s set in modern times!” Oh right. Problem is, we already have that movie too. It was called “National Treature” and no matter how flippant, fun and self-aware this Nathan Drake man is, no one can out-cage Nicolas “The Cage” Coppola. I'd prefer they do another sequel to that, to be honest. Oh, a "National Treasure 3" is in the works? Well, fantastic then.

02. Untitled Transformers Sequel
Why is Michael Bay still alive? I’ve heard of presidents that were killed for less. Fellating the army into submission; ruining childhood favourites; ignoring the last 50 years of women’s rights & the last 200 years of race relations. Why has no one killed this man? He’s a douchebag, and more importantly one that makes bad, bad movies. He’s also trying his hardest to ruin "Ninja Turtles". Thankfully he’s not directing the Turtles movie, so I’m gonna wait for a trailer before I decide to set his Humvee on fire (I just assume he drives a Humvee). But then the next film he’s actively working on is the macho man-meatfest of "Pain & Gain", a movie all about the struggles of a trio of bodybuilders that can fight crime. For heaven's sake, Mr Bay, can you please just fuck off and die?

01. Oldboy
Oh, hell no. I get that people don’t like to read subtitles, but that is, at best, an excuse to redub a film. But what sick hell is this changing the main character “Oh Dae-su” to “Joe Doucett”? I’m sorry, but that’s just racist. The original was a story, amidst two others in the “Vengeance Trilogy” showing the love and hatred of the human heart in a cinematic triptych. This is just a remake for money’s sake. The Absurd Word Nerd does not approve.
It’s almost as bad as the “Akira” remake that they’re trying to make, which is threatening to be a two-parter . But that film doesn’t get the number one spot here because it has the decency to dwell in developmental hell. This Oldboy movie should not be remade. End of story.

A.W.N.’S TOP 10 FILMS THAT JUST . . . WTF?!:

10. Santapprentice
Okay, I get that this was apparently a French-made kid’s animated movie or something, so it’s not as random as it sounds. The story of Santa's apprentice who is chosen when Santa retires. But why is someone actually paying for this to be a movie? What gets weirder is not only does it have two directors (Tim Hill & Mike Mitchell) and Dreamworks on the bill as the animator, but check out this ‘tagline’:  “Finally!, DreamWorks Animation's First Live-action/CGI Hybrid” Wait, what? First of all, so many movies with special effects these days, MOST movies are Live-Action/CGI hybrids. And second, this is your big movie for it? A Christmas Movie about Santa Claus's retirement plan? Where the hell did this idea come from?!

09. Riddick
First off, why just Riddick? The first movie was called “Pitch Black”, followed by “The Chronicles of Riddick” Two videogames and an animation followed. But why come up with the title, with the word Chronicles, plural, if you only had one. Isn’t this another Chronicle? The IMDB page says “Follows The Chronicles of Riddick”, so this isn’t a reboot or anything. Is there any real need for this besides Vin Diesel having fun roleplaying? Oh, wait that was the only reason. There’s also an “Untitled Daredevil Reboot" in the works, which at least was worse than Pitch Black, so deserves a reboot. But there’s also “Short Circuit” reboot in the works! That movie was pretty bad, yes. But it was a family movie. It was supposed to be like that. Besides, we already have a cool self-aware, goggle-eyesd robot movie. It was called "Wall-E", So why do we also need a new Number 5?

08. Untitled Muppets Sequel
You know what I really liked about “The Muppets”? The ending.
SPOILER ALERT! [FOR REAL THIS TIME!]: In the end, they failed their mission. They did not raise all the money they needed. But they decided to go on anyway. Because it’s not about being The Muppets, it’s about being together. -END OF SPOILERS! That is a beautiful message. And having a sequel screws that up! Now they’re just like “Oh well, let’s just keep going”. I am conflicted about this movie the same as I was with “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides”, because I know it is a bad idea, but I have to watch it anyway. Hopefully The Muppets 2 will be less disappointing than that movie was.

07. The Lone Ranger
One question: Why is Johnny Depp playing a Native American? He’s whiter than I am. Why couldn’t they give the part to an actual Native American actor? They do exist, just look at this list from Wikipedia. Also, how do they expect such an old show to translate to modern times? The trailer for the movie promises train crashes and action scenes. But that didn’t happen in the original show, so why even call it The Lone Ranger? I don’t know. Another film adaptaion based on the Old West is "A Walk Among the Tombstones" a movie I know nothing about. But, dude, Liam Neeson is signed on to play a cowboy, so I’ve definitely got my hopes up for that one.

06. Paddington Bear
Y'know, someone in the movies industry believes it’s a good idea for a teddy bear to get a movie. Until I heard of this film I didn’t know much about the bear. But Wikipedia tells me Paddington is an immigrant from “Darkest” Peru, who was found in a train station and has a long history that he shares as the stories go along. The majority of stories seem to be about how difficult it is for a teddy bear/Peruvian to get around England. That being said, I vaguely remember seeing the thing around when I was really young, but just barely [haha, 'bear-ly']. And from what I see, if done well, this could be a beautiful story. But right now . . . all I’m thinking is: So, it’s "Ted", if Ted wasn’t an asshole? But yeah, as far as I’m concerned it all depends on the voice they pick for Paddington. I’d like something gruff and worldweary.

05. Kane & Lynch
Did you play the Kane & Lynch game, or it’s sequel? If so, I am so very sorry for you. If not, let me fill you in: It sucks. A game about unlikeable characters in a poorly written story with retarded A.I. to shoot. On the one hand I thought “Well, the game sucks, so now this has the opportunity to do it again, better, in a new medium” but on the other hand, the story of Kane & Lynch sucks because nobody cares about these horrible, horrible characters. There are so many other games to choose from, why . . . what’s that? Another “Tomb Raider” movie? Did that really need a sequel . . . a reboot you say? So Angelina Jolie gets to start all over with . . . she’s not signed on as Lara Croft? But that’s the only reason anyone watched the movie in the first place!

04. Bunyan
Wait a minute, I know that name . . . oh, Paul Bunyan. Yeah, that’s that old folktale of a giant lumberjack who has a blue ox as a pet. Wait, WHAT?! No, wait, okay, it seems they’re serious. But what’s this now. The tagline is: “This Tall Tale is Murder” . . . so it’s a murder mystery, about a twelve-storey lumberjack? Oh, wait. IMDB says the genre is Horror. Hmmm . . . I can kind of see where they’re coming from. Anyone who think that a lovable folklore figure can’t be scary obviously hasn’t seen a sculpture of this thing. I don’t know if this will be a good movie, but the premise alone demands you pay attention, even if it’s just to watch this thing crash and burn.

03. Hansel & Gretel Get Baked
Okay, for these last three, I feel the need to remind you: I am not making these up. There are quite a few Hansel & Gretel movies coming out this year, such as "Hansel and Gretel in 3D!" which just looks childish and stupid. But this just sounds, well, adulterated and stupid. It's basically a Comedy Horror of the original tale, set in Suburbia wherein all fantastical elements are explained by the drugs or by other characters being high. The drug stuff just looks stupid, but the non-comedy indie Horror "Hansel & Gretel" also coming out this year doesn't seem to fare much better. Yet still a fourth "Hansel and Gretel" film presents an indie action version, but that's all I know about it. However, this all pales in comparison to the “Van Helsing” inspired, "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters". At least here, although the premise is ridiculous, the moviemaker seems in on the joke, and they’re just having a load of fun. But can someone explain why we need FIVE freaking Hansel and Gretel movies?

02. Lego: The Movie
Again, not kidding. One of the cool things about the Lego company, is that with the “Lego Star Wars” & “Lego Harry Potter” videogames and the like, you get the impression that Lego doesn’t take itself too seriously. Which suits, because it’s a toy company. And the story is said to be about an average Lego figurine caught up in a quest to stop an evil Lego figurine from gluing Lego together. Sounds pretty funny, but could get serious what with the drama of Lego figures stuck together. But check this out: What do Will Ferrell, Liam Neeson, Will Arnett and Morgan Freeman have in common? They’re all signed on to do voices in this movie! And with characters like President Business, Bad Cop, Pirate & Batman to look forward to, I just don’t know what to expect next!

01. Postman Pat: The Movie - You Know You're the One
I’m sorry, what? Postman Pat? At first I thought this was just a joke or something, but David Tennant, Rupert Grint & Jim Broadbent are all signed on to do voices. And IMDB says it's Post-Production, so it seems like this movie is totally happening. But I have to ask. Why is it called “The Movie”, only then to add the subtitle “You Know You’re the One”? Usually you call something The Movie, if you’re only gonna make one. But a subtitle implies it’s the first of a series, or that it’s a special case. So is this The Movie, or a special case? It can’t be  both, damn it! And this thing says the storyline is that Postman Pat “finds his beliefs challenged” when he enters a televised Talent Show. How the hell are his beliefs challenged? And in a talent show?
The Absurd Word Nerd is at a loss for words.

For a Few Million Dollars More

Three days ago, I talked about continuity, and expanding stories with sequels and spin-offs. And since I had so much fun raging against the machine, today I'm continuing that with a look at the next trick in the Capitalistic Hollywood playbook.
The Word of the Day is, 'REMAKE'

You know, in doing research for this article [he does research now?] I was trying to find the difference between a remake and a reboot. At first glance, there's very little difference. But while you're thinking about it yourselves, let me give you the two definitions.

Remake /ree'meyk/ v. 1. To make again or anew. ♦n. 2. Anything that has been remade, renovated, or rebuilt. 3. Movies. A more recent version of an older film.

Compare and contrast with:

Reboot /ree'boot/ v. 1. To restart (a computer) by loading the operating system; boot again. ♦n. 2. An act or instance of restarting a computer. 3. The process of starting over again.

Unfortunately, Dictionary has yet to catch up with the culture, in the use of the word Reboot, but the basic idea is there. Here's the difference, as I understand it.
Remakes identify with and accept the original, while building upon it. Reboots ignore the original, taking what they want, reinventing the rest.
Or, to put it in an anthropomorphic way:

The Remake looks at the original version of the movie, tips its hat and says "You did a good job, friend. But now it's my turn."

The Reboot sneers over at the original, gives it the finger and turns to the audience saying, "This is how it SHOULD have been done."

Now, both of these have issues. The very important issue of money. They both exist so the Hollywood executives can get another few of those titular million dollars more. But that doesn't necessarily mean all remakes are bad.
That is the beauty of the movie-making system. While it's run by a bunch of stereotypical, evil businessmen, the movies themselves are made by a group of real people who actually LIKE to make movies. And no matter how much the executives are doing this just to add a few more coins in their swimming pool full of gold, the movie-makers are still fully capable of wringing a good movie out of it.
(Capable, mind you. Not pre-determined.)

So what bothers me more than the Capitalism, is the mindset of the remake, as it stands. Because I always have (and always will) see the Reboot as an insult. They remade a Total Recall movie in 2012, and I happen to like the new version better, just because I don't like listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger chew his way through the English Language, and it didn't take itself too seriously. But a year before that, they made a remake of Arnie's first acting role, Conan the Barbarian.
Now, I agree that Arnold can't act. But for that movie, he didn't have to! He was playing a mono-syllabic, oil-slicked, pulsating muscle! It was the perfect role for an ex-bodybuilder. At this rate, It's just starting to feel like someone has a vendetta against Austrians.
Huh, Perhaps this "Jews run the media" conspiracy theory has some credence after all . . . [don't hate me, it's a joke]
But my point is, that movie was good. Sure, it's old, but it's great for what it is. It served its purpose. It's just unkind for people to keep coming up saying "Yeah, I can do that again!"

You know what I want to see? Remakes of Bad Movies. That at least has some logic to it. These people keep thinking: "I can do better".
Well . . . you can! Just think about it:
The Room; Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever; Troll 2; Battlefield Earth; Star Wars: Holiday Special; The Shining . . .
All made again so we can finally have a good film by that name. Or, on the flip-side, it could give a great point, counter-point for audiences that enjoyed them for being so crap. That way, people can check out how terrible the original was, then enjoy the new film even more!
We've already seen a good Batman, Evil Dead & Robocop movie. But I've never seen a good Catwoman or Troll movie! Why can't someone make those?

Well, because that's not how the Hollywood Movie Marketing Machine works. There's too much risk in innovative ideas, so they prefer to rehash old ideas they know were successful. And only after someone takes a risk and makes money, do Hollywood execs also take such risks. But then, it's not a risk anymore. Rather, a business decision.

It's a sad state of affairs . . .

But I've not given up on Hollywood. As I said, those actual film-makers at the helm are perfectly capable of making good movies. And I am still looking forward to a few.
And in fact, that's how I plan to end this "Hollywood Dollars" trilogy, looking at the upside.
So next time [in just two days, because an overheating CPU screwed up my unofficial schedule] We'll talk about some of the upcoming films that I am looking forward to, (and not looking forward to), that are based on stories that already exist.
That's right. Next time, we're going to run down the "Best & Worst Upcoming Movie Adaptations", in as much detail as I am willing to scrounge from the internet . . .

The Good, the Bad & The Continuity

Well, it's official. Disney has announced that it's working on the new Star Wars film, to be released 2015. Ever since they acquired the license from George Lucas, people have joked about what they could do to it, how they can ruin it and all of this.
But as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter. Because I'm not a Star Wars fan. I think the movies are pretty average, to be honest. But one of the things I've heard a lot is:
  "Oh, they should TOTALLY use some of the E.U. Stuff!"
Which I don't really know how to feel about. I mean, for one thing, it's a whole world of resources to build a story from. But for another thing, I don't really want to see a movie about any of the background Star Wars characters who were on-screen for less than sixty seconds. But in doing research for an upcoming blog-fiction here [because I TOTALLY don't already have enough stories to work on, as is . . .], I've been thinking more about it. Not just Star Wars, though, but with other franchises, stories and continuity in general.
So, the Word of the Day is 'EXPANDED'.

Like I said, I think Star Wars is pretty Average. In fact, it is perfectly average. The story is based on the 'Monomyth', and anyone else familiar with it probably found the whole  "Luke, I am your father." thing a lot more predictable.
But Star Wars is the pinnacle Space Opera, which is why it was so popular. What made it so great is that it made Sci-Fi suddenly became popular, and so young writers looked at the potential of space and decided it could house their own stories. But not just any space, rather the "Expanded Universe".

Expanded /eks'panded/ adj. 1. Having increased in area, size, scope or volume. etc. 2. Spread out; Extended. 3. Expressed in greater detail; developed.

Expanded Universe is fiction which, extends, extrapolates and explains more about the Star Wars universe while telling their own stories. And this should be a good thing. I mean, I like the sci-fi stuff in Star Wars, but I think the story is boring. So: Star Wars - Lame Story = Good Star Wars       . . . right?
Well, you'd think so. But there's a few snags.
For one thing, Expanded Universe stuff is essentially . . . well, fanfiction (*shudders*). But what makes the Expanded Universe kinda cool is that George Lucas & company decided that it was all canon. This means that every story ever written by a fan ACTUALLY HAPPENED in the Star Wars universe. Or, to put it in terms you geeks can understand: ALL UR FANFIX BELONGS 2 UZ!!!11!one!!

Then again, this also makes it quite uncool. Because it means that every story (no matter who writes it) affects, and must be concurrent with, every other story that either HAS or WILL be written. And so writing with canon would just be a huge headache.
I know. Because I've danced this dance before . . .

If you've read my blog-fiction "Furby, Herbie & Kirby in the Starlight Derby", you'll know that I have explored other people's characters in my own work. Now, I wrote that story as a bit of fun. But because I am manically obsessive about my own continuities in stories, I decided to make sure that story 'made sense' in all three of the other stories universes. For example, Furby toys are said to live on a cloud near the sun. Kirby is from Dreamland and Herbie from California. Also, all of Furby's 'gibberish' dialogue is in Furbish, and follows their style of grammar. And Kirby's dialogue of  "Poyo!" is the word he says in the animated series instead of words (a lot like how Pokémon say their own names).
I did quite a lot of research (considering the length of the story) to get that right. And the reason is that I don't want a real fan of these works to take less enjoyment out of the story just because I made something up when I shouldn't have, or forgot something important. If I include a character, I want to do it properly, and the same would go if I wrote a story about those characters within their own universes, (even though I wouldn't want to. Because, fanfiction, amirite?)
But that is the kind of story I like to read. And the reason I bring it up is that a LOT of people aren't as obsessive as me about this sort of thing. Just look at the number of people who say "Indiana Jones & the Crystal Skull" just flat out DIDN'T happen. What kind of lazy bullshit is that?

But then again, Star Wars & Indiana Jones are easy. I mean, they were all made in order (or at least, with numbers in their titles) so you know where everything goes. But what about stuff that isn't so easily defined? Did you know that Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein twice? Once in 1818, and then again in 1823. The second version is apparently more "conservative", and it's more well-known; but scholars say the first "better captured Shelley's vision". So, are we supposed to just read them both? Or, do we discard one, and read the other? And if so, which is the proper one? It's a nightmare!
Or for something more familiar to non-classical readers, how many of the 90's Batman films are canon with each other, not to mention the rest of the comic books?
And I really mean that, by the way: don't mention comic books. The only comics I ever read came free in my newspaper, or off the web. And although some of the stories sound interesting, The complete lack of continuity just pisses me off. Tell me, at this moment in time, who exactly is Hawkman? Huh? HUH?! Any takers?
Didn't think so.

The point is, once you start to expand on a story, you change it. And while this can be a good thing, and even make the story better under good circumstances, the bigger a story gets, the more likely you'll run into these issues of continuity.
Hell, some stories can't stay in continuity with themselves, never mind sequels, prequels, spin-offs and the rest of the franchise!
And some people can argue that continuity doesn't matter, but that doesn't sit fly with me. Sure, in The Simpsons, it doesn't matter if they break the laws of physics, or Bart is technically 40 years old or Homer & Marge have told the story of how they met about sixteen times or whatever, because it's all a joke, and often the different continuities are to help the comedic absurdity of the show. If you're taking shows like that seriously, then you're doing it wrong.

But in shows where there is established character, setting, magics/science and plot; ignoring continuity is just lazy. Since all you have to do is READ (or watch) your own work! You're asking the audience to look at your work, so why can't you?
But now I hear you say: "What about those long comic-book, or just long-running television shows? Does that mean they ALL have to be consistent?"Well, for the most part, my answer is simple:
Stories need to have an end.

  "The star that shines brightest, is all the more glorious for its brevity." [thanks be to Zero Punctuation for that reference] So if you think it's too difficult to comprehensively read through & fix a continuity: YOUR STORY IS TOO LONG. End it.
Superhero comics seem to have provided their rebuttal to that idea by having their 'stories' end, while their 'characters' live on. Which I can kinda dig . . . and with some of the interesting things they've done with their characters, perhaps actually reading a comic book will change my opinion.But for now, I firmly believe that poor continuity (even if you retrospectively fix it) is just poor storytelling.

Stories, ideas and imagination are infinite. There are so many ideas out there, you don't need to hang onto one idea and try to keep getting more out of it. I can understand wanting to expand on an idea a little. It can expand on that joy, and continue it.
But if the story is getting so big that it's starting to lose coherency, and you're idea isn't staying fresh, just stop and write a different story.

That's all I have to say about Continuity for now.

Of course . . . there is another way to keep a story 'fresh'. And you don't have to bother with continuity at all. Lately, Hollywood has been using this notion of taking an OLD idea, and starting again, from scratch.Remakes, huh? Well, I've got a lot to say on the matter . . . which is why we're gonna talk about that, next time.

Flare Up

Today is a really hot day. I know this because not only is today scraping in off the coat tails of yesterday's heatwave, with the thermometer peaking at 29°C [That's 84°F if you're country hasn't upgraded to the metric system yet], but I was also helping my father in the garden this morning. The dirt, sweat, sun and stifling heat of yard work was almost enough to melt my eyeballs. But having showered and escaped the heat, and the promise of watching a musical theatre classic on the big screen in an air conditioned theatre, in my very near future, I have been pondering flame, heat and warmth. Such as the heat of the sun, sunlight and it's effects on the earth. And inevitably, of course, it lead me to think about Global Warming.
That's right, I'm going there. The Word of the Day is 'HEAT'.

Heat /heet/ n. 1. The quality or condition of being hot; hot temperature. 2. A sensation of hotness or warmth; heated bodily condition. 3. Warmth of intensity or feeling. 4. The height of intensity of any action: the heat of the moment.

It's poetic that 'Global Warming' seems to incite such heated argument. [haha, Puns: I love them, because you hate them]
There's a whole lot of nonsense going on in the media about Is Global Warming Real? Is it Not Real? What can we do?!" And the people who believe think the people who don't believe are a bunch of snub-nosed, ostriches with their heads in the concrete; while the critics see the believers as a sack of screeching cats, screaming green and forcing everyone to change their light bulbs.
So I want to get this out of the way quickly. But please, if you don't agree with my position (or you do) please read on. You might be surprised...

I don't believe in 'Climate Change'. Though, I don't identify as a 'climate change skeptic' because that brings to my mind images of a man sneering over at the numbers and raising an eyebrow thinking "Well, is that what you think?". And the word itself is insulting. It says "Oh, so you're a skeptic...?"
Well, no. I'm not like that. I'm a realist. I look at the numbers. Global Warming is 'real' in the sense that, yes, the world is getting hotter.
But Climate Change is a steaming pile of misapplied numbers. I'll try to put it into layman's terms.

See, we are currently in what is known as an interglacial, which is a fancy way of saying "not an Ice Age". You see, an Ice Age, like the movie franchise, doesn't happen just once. Rather, Ice Ages happen a lot, in a series of: Ice Age; Interglacial; Ice Age; Interglacial; ad nauseum
If you want to know how the hot, cold, hot, cold dynamic looks, feel free to check out this graph from globalwarmingart.com showing the temperatures, ice volume and something else from the Helocene period.
You see, we shift from hot to cold all the time, and as I understand the variances in temperature are caused by anything from continental shift & ocean currents, to changes in Earth's orbit & the power output of the sun.
Now, as I understand and have had explained to me by a Chemical Engineer [thanks, Dad], we're actually a lot colder now than most Interglacial temperature peaks, so it's actually supposed to get a lot hotter, naturally. It's all perfectly understandable.
Now, don't worry, I'm not demeaning the position of people who believe in Global Warming. The reason why scientists are worried [and think Mr & Mrs Average Citizen should be too] is because we're heating up quite fast. As in, a lot faster than ever before. And they are worried that we'll 'over-shoot' the usual peak temperature and hit a sweltering interglacial period that could melt ice caps and stuff.
So for those that don't understand that is why the Climate Change cats are so worried. They think that if we stop carbon emissions, lessen wattage of lightbulbs and walk more, we can cool the planet and stop Global Warming.
And here's where I shake my head. Although our atmosphere does affect the temperature, it is one criterion of at least six other, bigger criteria that affect Global Warming.
So, there's not much you can do about it. It's what nature intended. But now that I'm done picking on the believers, let's piss off the skeptics. Because, you see, there's one thing I don't understand about this argument:
The skeptics non-compliance stance.
Sure, Climate Change is bullshit. But how are they fixing it?
Stopping Pollution; Reducing Energy; Recycling & Saving Money. Dude... I like ALL of those things. Even though I don't agree with the reason why, I like clean air, and less energy costs. I like reducing waste and I REALLY like saving money. So where's the downside here?
We make some paranoid cats happy, and we make the Earth a little bit cleaner. Then, when Global Warming happens anyway and we're all cooking on our own bones in 2100, we get to be smug about it!
Win Freaking Win, Baby!

In conclusion, I hope that this has been a swift breath to cool the smoking gun of the climate debate. Because, no matter who's right, we should definitely clean up after ourselves.
Keep cool, peace out and I'm gonna go watch Les Misérables.

Respect, or GTFO

A weeks or so ago, I heard about a terrible news story. The sad fact is, on the 16th of December 2012, Jyoti Singh Pandey, a young Indian student, was brutally raped by five men and later died of her injuries. It is not a pleasant story, to say the least. But when I first heard about this story, my second reaction (after "That's Horrible") was, "Isn't this old news?".
I heard about the story after New Year's Day. It was a month old, and I was a little surprised people were still talking about it. But the reason why struck me rather hard.This is was another one of those breaking points. Just as the Utah Shooting brought up gun policy, this woman's torturous death has brought up a whole slew of issues including Indian Policing, Law Reform & (most dramatically) Attitudes towards Women.
And seeing as how I am in a staggeringly non-prevalent minority, this whole thing has shaken up everything I thought I knew about the 21st Century.
Folks, the Word of the Day is: 'FEMINISM'

You know what I hate more than anything? Disrespect. I am a calm person, usually, and I can take most things with a grain of salt. But I get really goddamn mad when someone treats me differently than I deserve. When someone lies to; steals from or cheats me out of something they have no right to, I get wall-punchingly furious.
I'd like to think that, while most people don't consider it as big a Berserk Button as I do, they'll understand where I'm coming from. I hold respect in high regard. I "Respect Respect", you could say.
I also happen to believe that "Once True, Always True", and that no matter what, I deserve to be treated with the same respect. Even if I, say, had a vagina. Which is why I don't really like it when people seem to subjugate, disrespect, or generally "hate on" the much prettier half of the human species.
To put it simply, I'm a Feminist.

If you're not familiar with the term, this may be confusing. Since most people only think feminists are women wanting to improve life for themselves and other women. But being a woman isn't necessary to being a feminist. Just ask Dictionary:

Feminism /'femənizəm/ n. Advocacy of equal rights and opportunities for women, especially the extension of their activities in social and political life.

It all began in the 20th Century when women argued that they had the right to suffrage:

[Suffrage /'sufrij/ n. The right of voting, especially in political elections.]

This lead to the movement of Suffragettes who won that battle, and have been voting in America from then to present day.

There have been different waves and variations on the basic mold, but no matter whether you're a Riot Grrrl or a Neo-Feminist, as time has gone on Feminism has been fighting against sexist, unfair laws and winning women's rights to do everything from firefighting; to politics to kick-boxing. And while it's covered a lot of ground, there's still a ways to go.
Women still don't always get equal pay for equal work, and there are some issues of law and politics that need to be overhauled and redesigned (with a woman's touch).

But there's a much larger problem that I see, which kind of brings me to a grinding halt in all of these issues. And it is, indeed: Attitudes towards Women.
The year is 2013. We've got computers with greater capacity than the human brain. We've got cures for diseases that didn't even exist when medicine first started. We have the internet, we have mobile phones and we have Blogger.com - But way too often, men still seem to think:
Men have Jobs; Women have Chores.People think women aren't as strong as men; that they aren't as good at maths, or computers or writing as men; that they aren't as funny as men; that they aren't as business-savvy as men & (the most ridiculous of all) that a woman's "job" is to take care of children, house & home, while men have a career.

I'm not saying this is wrong. Because I don't have to, that's obvious. Rather, I am going to explain why it's wrong.
A lot of that stuff all boils down to the notion: 'Woman are dumber and weaker than Men'. As for being dumber, the fact that I have to explain this to men, proves that wrong. But to be clear:
There is no definitive link between gender and intelligence.
I'd go find the research and data for it. But as it turns out YOU have an internet connection. Hit up Google and do your own damn research! Because there's a lot there that proves me right and I'm not going to waste my time listing it all. I have a blog post to write.
As for women being weaker, if at all, this is caused by conditioning. It's reminds me of that other fun fact:- Black people can't swimDid you know that? It's a hilarious fact when you consider that it's not only very racist, but also completely untrue. It was once statistically 'accurate', because most of the black people (back when this was first claimed) didn't have swimming pools, or access to large bodies of water. And swimming isn't terribly important if you aren't at risk of drowning. So they didn't bother to learn.
The same is true of women and strength. Women are usually not as strong as men. But that is because they aren't given an environment, in which they need to build muscle. There are quite a few men, in fact, who think women with toned muscle are ugly [I like to call these men assholes]. It's part of our culture which some Feminism hopes to change, but so far that culture means women don't try to build muscle. That doesn't mean they can't. Feel free to argue all you want that it's is harder for a woman to build muscle, but that doesn't make all women weak. It just means that "Weak Women are Weak". Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Now, I left this one for last, because I have the most to say. This is the one that even smart, intelligent and caring people, seem to fall into. In fact, some women have come to believe it, though it is so drastically missing the point of Feminism:
Women Should take Care of the Home
And here, I can see your point. It's stupid, and wrong, but I can see it. It goes something like this:
"Men and women are different. So they have different roles in the heterosexual, monogamous relationship: The Man is the breadwinner and the Woman, the caretaker."

Okay, okay . . . you're right. Men and women are different. You've passed biology. But you've failed sociology. For one thing, a lot of these men don't want women to take care of their home. They want women to take care of them.
To which I say - grow up.
For another thing, women can't do all of the housework, because she already has a job. Wrap your brainbox around that one, poindexter. How can a woman take care of house and home, when most women are at work nine to five? This trend is still on the rise in America, but here in Australia it's the default for modern couples.
Now, there are some women that emigrate to Australia from other countries, such as India, that become part of a dual-income couple because of the economy, and yet still do all the housework. But that is because of Indian culture and tradition. A sexist tradition which is under scrutiny, thanks to the new Indian political climate right now.
"But what about women that don't have a job? The likes of Stay-at-home Mums, or even women on maternity leave?" I hear you ask, "Isn't it better that the mother stay home with the child?"

No.

I don't believe anyone, ever HAS to do anything, based on gender, race, belief or culture. Sure, it may seem like a given: women are caring, women are mothers, and if they kid's real young, women have the breasts to feed them - it seems so straightforward!
But I take issue with the ideal that men can't be caring or maternal. And there is such a thing as a breast pump, if the kid is still suckling. So, can't the man do that?
Woman can do what Men can do what women can do.

That's the ideal of Equal Rights. Now, I'm not saying that women should not stay at home and care for their kids if they want to. I'm not saying you can't be a housewife and take care of your husband. But the most important aspect is choice. I think everyone deserves the right to choose, and be treated fairly and equally in their choice. Because it doesn't matter about gender.

I mean, if you really think men and women have to operate that way - what about homosexual couples? They work out just fine . . . although that's a much larger discussion for a later post. What's most important is that EVERYONE is treated with the same rights and respect as everyone else.
Sure, we're different. Psychologically, biologically & socio-culturally. But I'm not asking you to stop treating her like a woman, I'm asking you to start treating her like a human.

THAT is what it means to be a Feminist.

Furby, Herbie & Kirby in the Starlight Derby

The star flew across the sky, arcing in a perfect line, from the horizon to up high into the star-spangled, early night sky over the Nevada Desert. The sands were soft, cool and calm, as the night breeze was almost still that night, shaking the tufts of green plantlife with barely a whisper. It was serene.
Until the shooting star began to falter. It's perfect course diverted, arced sharply and pointed down. It coursed downward through the air at unnatural speed, sparkles trailing behind it. As it neared the ground, not only did it become obvious that it was a literal, glowing, yellow five-pointed star shape; but also a small, pink creature could be seen hanging tightly to it.
In a burst of sand and stardust, the warp star collided with the Earth and exploded into a million scintillating particles. The dust cleared, and in the middle of the shallow crater, stood a short, pink, bubble creature. The critter was less than a metre tall, with stubby little arms, red feet and a simple, little face that blinked and looked around.
  "Mmm . . ." Kirby grunted to itself as it glanced at unfamiliar surroundings. This was a strange land, which Kirby knew nothing about, so he did not react when the horizon came to life with flashing lights. Nor when the lights neared, revealing black shapes which eventually focused into a pair of vehicles with black-tinted windows.
A four-wheel drive and an armoured van both stopped, a dozen metres or so away from the pink alien, and a pair of men in biohazard suits exit the van.
  "A pink meteor?" one of the men asks through a helmet radio, "someone's pulling a prank on us, I reckon."
  "It could have have a high copper content," says a sterner voice, "or strontium with residual flaring, potassium . . ."
  "Hi!" calls out Kirby, waving his arms.
  "SWEET JESUS!" someone screams.
A pair of agents in suits, with earpieces, step out of the four-wheel drive, and aim handguns at Kirby from behind the bonnet.
  "The hell is this thing?" one of the biohazard suits asks. He steps forward. Suddenly, Kirby's little mouth opens unnaturally wide. A gale, with the force of a wind tunnel, lifts the man off his feet and he's sucked into Kirby's mouth. Kirby stands there with puffed out cheeks and body.
  "Ah!" Kirby cries, as he is shot at. Kirby spits the biohazard man out again with such force that as the man slams into the four-wheel drive it slides backward into the agents who opened fire. The other man in a biohazard suit pulls out a cattleprod from the armoured van and before Kirby can absorb him, he jabs it at the alien.
Kirby shudders violently and then slumps over.
  "Call Edwards Air Force Base," says the man, "Detachment Three . . . we've got a live one here."

Back at the base, a man who had just removed his biohazard suit, places a plastic evidence bag full of glittering gold and dirt onto the layout table. He was about to start an initial analysis when a tall, serious looking agent steps into the lab.
  "Doctor, I need you to come with me."
  "I'm just about to analyze this debris," he replies "I think it's from the alien ship. It's disintegrated on impact."
  "The live subject takes precedence," says the agent, "label and store it, then report to the test bunker."
Although a little annoyed, the doctor agrees, and the agent heads off. As told, the doctor finds a sample container, places the bag inside, and labels it with the time, date and words U.F.O. debris then he heads out of the lab with it. He heads deep into the facility to a set of locked doors with a sign above reading "Classified Storage Hangar'. He enters a code into the keypad to the side, and enters the huge vault.
The hangar lit up as the code was entered, and revealed all the unevenly placed sets of metal shelves around large crates, machines, boxes, bags and miscellany. All of it, classified. The doctor heads to the nearest shelf and places the container upon it. An item beside it catches his eye, and he can't help but chuckle. It was an electronic Furby toy, under investigation by the N.S.A. and their affiliates.
  "Have they dissected you yet?" he asks, then laughs out louder as he leaves the hangar. The door locks behind him, and he switches off the light . . . but the room doesn't stay dark. The stardust in the sample container continued to glow, and the soft rays gleamed bright. For it was made on Kirby's planet of Dreamland. And nothing could darken the glow of something powered by dreams. The light shone brightly against the fur of the little electronic toy . . .

In his holding cell, Kirby slowly pulled himself onto his feet. He was in a bunker, surrounded by thick, grey walls. with slits cut into the stone for viewing windows, and a large, steel door.
  "Poyo?" says the little puffball, looking about. He didn't know where he was, but knew he needed to get out. After a moment of stumbling around, looking for an exit, he starts to run and bounce off the walls, looking for an out. He bounces off the stone walls with a dull thud each time, until he slams into the door. CLANG! it resounds through the room. Kirby slams into it three more times, each time it echoes loudly, but doesn't shift much. Kirby swallows a mouthful of air and blasts the door with an air bullet. The door crumples considerably. By kicking off it once with his little, red feet, the door falls off its hinges.
As Kirby dashes down the hall to escape, an alarm flares up and red lights start flashing. Even Kirby knew that meant trouble.
He dashes down the halls, looking for an exit, but doesn't recognize anything. It was too alien to him.
Running deep into the facility, he skids to a stop when he sees something small and furry. It was a little owl-like creature, with large ears and deep eyes. A living Furby.
Without thinking twice, Kirby opens his mouth wide and sucks it up! Then, with an odd sparkle sound, the Furby is expelled through Kirby's bubble skin. Having absorbed the Furby's abilities, Kirby has a little round beak and large, pointy ears.
  "Poh-yoh . . ." says Kirby, confused.
  "Oo-Nye Doo?" asks the Furby.
  "Kah e-day tay moh-moh."
  "Doo-oo-tye?"
  "Kah boo ay-ay tee-wee-lah tee-tah," explains Kirby.
  "tee-wee-lah tee-tah doo?"
  "Ee-kah way-loh."
  "Oh-kay!" says Furby. The little toy turns around and scampers with its little bird feet through the slightly ajar door to the classified hangar. Sick of speaking gibberish, Kirby spits out the Furby's power and follows his new friend into the hangar, having to open the door wider to step inside. The sound of alarm muffles behind the security door as he closes it.
The place was lit only by the remaining stardust, and as Kirby watched, the Furby runs off to the edge of the light's reach,
  Furby calls into the dark hangar, "I see you!"
From the darkness, an engine revvs, and two bright, round headlights flick on. Then, with a heavy clunk, clunk, clunk the car hops forward. As it edges into the light, it was obvious the car had a wheel clamp on its front, left tire, which it managed by limping. The car was a small, cream-coloured Volkswagen beetle, with a red, white & blue stripe along its body, and a number 53 in a circle on its bonnet.
Kirby and Furby glance at one another, then back to the car. It was Herbie, the Love Bug. With a wordless sound of determination, Kirby heads over to the car, swallows a bubble of air and blasts the wheel clamp. It crumples into a clod of useless metal. Herbie lifts onto his right wheels and shakes his tire, dropping off the clamp.
Dropping back on all fours, Herbie honks his horn, grateful to be free, and opens up the driver's side door. With no time to waste, Kirby picks up the Furby, and jumps into Herbie's open door.
It was time to get out of here.
The Love Bug's tires spin wild, as he pulls a half-donut to turn around, then speeds through the hangar, with just headlights to see by. With unnatural ease, the car twists and turns and slips through the random, classified artefacts of the N.S.A. and speeds down the hangar bay. Kirby and the Furby both cry out as the hangar doors brighten up in the headlights. But Herbie just floors it, and smashes through the doors with ease. With the sky above still dark and full of stars, the three drive down the runway, then turn off onto a secure road, headed away from the facility.

  "What the HELL is going on around here!" screams the director at the various N.S.A agents and staff around the briefing room.  "We encountered a dangerous, alien life-form," says one of the agents, who was holding a clipboard. "It attacked us, so we quarantined it. But it broke free, stole subject OFP-857 and drove out of the facility sir."
  "I know WHAT happened! I want to know WHY it happened, and how we're planning on containing the problem."
  "We believe we've found a potential answer to that, sir. Both questions," suggests the doctor, stepping forward. "The alien's ship seems to give off a light form of radiation. Nothing dangerous, but it has a very specific reading. A simple search of our records shows that an identical radiation signature was given off by a meteor that landed here almost a week ago."
  "A radioactive meteor? Why didn't we look into that."
  "It's a very faint reading, sir. And the meteor was inactive."
  "Where is this meteor?"
  "Marin County, in the Southwest segment."
  "Right. Well we need to intercept the alien before it gets there. Send intercept teams, and a roadblock."
  "Already done sir," says one of the agents, checking his earpiece.
  "Already done?" asks the Director, "then why the hell are we having this meeting?"
  "To bring you up to speed, Director-Sir."
  The Director just sighs, "Why do I bother . . . from now on, keep me directly up to date on everything before it happens."
  "Yes, Sir. Should we intercept the meteor?"
  "No. We'll retrieve it after this crisis. It isn't going anywhere. Now, all of you? Back to work!"

With a speed only a determined Love Bug can provide, Furby, Herbie & Kirby sped out of Area 51 and past Las Vegas, into California. They drove through Bakersfield around midnight & were making their way through San Fransisco. It was still so early in the morning that it was still dark out as Kirby sat in the passenger's seat, out of Herbie's way, and Furby perched on the dashboard, talking to Kirby.
  "Kir-bee, From Good-Sleep Land?" asks the Furby. Kirby nods with a wordless grunt.
  Kirby points at Furby, "Poyo?"
  "Me From Up. A-loh may-lah. Cloud, Big Sun."
Herbie stared around the San Francisco Streets with a soft sigh of his engine, for here in California was his home. But his new friends were still a long way from theirs.
As they approached the Golden Gate Bridge on-ramp, Herbie slowed and eventually stopped. Furby turned around to look out the windscreen, and quickly saw why they'd stopped. The road ahead was blocked, by three cars and a slew of agents, with guns drawn.
  "Kah-dah boh-bay!" says The Furby. Kirby frowns as he opens the door to jump out.
  "Stop!" calls out Furby "Noo-noo. Me Tell."
  "Poyo?" asks Kirby. The Furby just nods. So Kirby picks up the toy and hops out of the bug, closing the door behind them. All guns were trained on him. Kirby just places the Furby on the ground, and it waddles up to the road block. it was tense, as some of the agents started talking in their radios and earpieces, not sure what to do as the toy slowly waddles closer. Furby gets within earshot and talks to them.
  "Me talk!" it calls out.
  "Listen! Pink Monster, Good. Sad Story. Pink Monster Bye-Bye Twinkle Tree. Come Look Twinkle Tree. Doo-moh, No Bad. Me bah-boo Listen-"
Bang! The gunshot rang out louder for the silence that followed. the little owl-thing creature fell and rolled backwards against the road.
  "PO-YOH!!!" screams Kirby in anger. He turns to the Love Bug and, with considerable effort, opens his mouth wide and sucks it up.
  As the teams start to yell "Fire! Open Fire!" there is an odd sparkle sound. With a fwoomp! The car pops through Kirby's bubble skin, and lands heavily back on its tires. And Kirby suddenly races off, with a copied set of four little wheels. Gunfire flew like mad, but Turbo-Kirby was too fast. He scoots under the cars, knocking a pair of agents off their feet, then swoops up the hurt Furby, sitting it on top of his head, then drives pack to Herbie and hops inside. Herbie revvs his engine as Kirby gingerly slides the toy onto the driver's seat. The Love Bug floors it. The road block flies aside like saloon doors as Herbie ploughs through the cars and heads up and onto the bridge on-ramp.
The entire right lane was clear ahead, thanks to the N.S.A. roadblock. Turbo-Kirby was checking on the little toy. It wasn't looking good. The Furby was shot right through its breast, and breathing slowly, the little creature looked sad.
As they got onto the Golden Gate Bridge proper, behind them, the three, black four-wheel drives manage to orient themselves and give chase. When Kirby saw them through the rear window, he looked damn angry. Herbie held open the passenger-side door, and Turbo-Kirby hopped out and zoomed straight towards the closest car. before it could swerve, Kirby aimed for the front, right tire, and slammed into it.
Then it all happened in a single, crazy moment.
Kirby's marshmallow body jammed in the wheel well, stopping the tire. The driver lost control, the car skidded. The back end then lifted off the road and the whole thing flipped onto it's side. Kirby then jumped out, a little dirtied from the experience, and sped back up to Herbie. He bounced back inside using the still open passenger-side door; spat out the Turbo-Kirby ability and closed the door.
The other cars managed to swerve around their crashed comrade and  continue on. As Kirby tended to the Furby, propping him up in the chair and pressing his beak to feed him, the other cars came up closer. they began to organize themselves to stop Herbie with a tactical ramming maneuver. Things were about to get crazy again. The Love Bug honks his horn twice to warn his passengers, then begins to turn left and right, driving all over the road in a zig-zag. After three or four turns, Herbie turns around so quick that sends the car spinning like a top. It clouts into one of the oncoming cars, smashing the bonnet and tearing the engine apart. The other car speeds past Herbie, and the wreck that remained of its companion. Herbie pulls the handbrake and stops spinning. But as they look on the remaining car turns and, with practiced ease, skids to a halt just as it is directly facing Herbie and his riding companions. it revvs its engine, and stares down Herbie, flashing its lights.
Herbie flashes his lights and revvs too. It was an old-fashioned game of 'chicken'. Each car revvs and groans its engine in competition, until suddenly the agent's black four-wheel drive floors it. Herbie follows suit, and speeds down the empty lanes of the bridge towards the other car. The distance between them was short. There wasn't much time to think. As the cars came nearly three metres from each other, one of them swerves!
Herbie pulls to the right, and smashes right through the guard rail! For a moment, Furby was weightless, and the lightweight Kirby bounces against the car's roof as they fall down.
Splash! Herbie dives into the water. The car sank like a stone. Herbie couldn't swim, and Furby was struggling to stay alive. Things were looking grim . . .
But Kirby watched in awe as they sank lower into the water. Herbie's doors barely leaked at all as they finally hit the bottom. He turns on his lights, and the scene out the windscreen could almost be a slow, thick mist. With something finally under his tires, Herbie starts to slowly drive along the murky surface, each sound like a dull echo as they drive through the sea . . .

A short while away, near Bonita Cove, Herbie drives up out of the water, along the sand, safe in the knowledge that the N.S.A. couldn't find them now. They drive up the coast, the sun on the verge of rising, and Kirby guides the Love Bug with the steering wheel towards his final destination.
They were nearly there.
It was still dark out, but a brightness lights up the windscreen as they get to the crater. With the Golden Gate Bridge looming in their vista, they approach the small, glowing crater, until finally Herbie stops about a metre from it. Kirby, cradling the broken Furby, hops out and heads over to the crater.
In the middle, stuck perfectly straight in the ground, was a little stick. Its handle was a short red and white swirl, like a candy cane, and its tip was a small, glowing star. Kirby places the Furby on the ground, picks up the star rod and looks at the little Furby. He was about to wave the wand, when the Furby speaks.
  "Make Me Furby."
  "Poyo . . . ?" asks Kirby. The toy blinks slowly.
  "Make Me . . . Furby."
Kirby nods. He waves the wand over the Furby . . .
As a goodbye, Kirby nods towards Herbie. Then, with a wordless cry, Kirby points the star rod up at the sky. A warp star suddenly swoops down. As it nears, Kirby hops aboard, and it swoops off again, disappearing with a flash.
Herbie honks his horn twice then heads off towards the road, driving off for another adventure.
Meanwhile, all alone, the Furby sat by the edge of the crater. The little Furby was a toy again, whole and without pain. As the sun began to rise, its eyes opened wide. And it began to sing. Its gears whirring noisily as it moved, and sang the only song the little toy knew: Twinkle Twinkle.
  "Lah-la lah-la lala lah,
  lah-la lah-la lala lah . . ."

A Year is a Day Away

Today is now the 1^st of January, and having lived in 2013 for almost an hour, I've been looking back on some of the odd traditions of New Year's Eve. With our new plans and goals and business expenses to look forward to, I am thinking about those curious promises we tend to make every year.
The Word of the Day is 'RESOLUTION'.

The word alone is curious. For one thing, most holidays call their goals 'wishes'. We wish you a Merry Christmas and tell you to make a wish as you blow out your candle. Sure, Americans give thanks, and some days are about remembrance and mourning. But it has four syllables for goodness sake! Why do we need a New Year's Resolution? Dictionary Says:

Resolution /’rezə'lūshən/ n. 1. firmness of purpose or determination. 2. the act of settling on or determining, as to action, etcetera 3. a solution or explanation, especially of a problem.

Do you see the difference between a resolution, compared to thanksgivings, wishes and remembrances? It's simple, but important. A resolution is the end, the action, the decision. Wishes are all passive. They require nothing but thought. And more than that, resolution comes from the word 'resolve'. It's a solution, "especially of a problem" as Dictionary says. It's not just a plan of action, but a plan to fix something which is broken. A problem with your life. And you are not hoping or wishing or desiring, you are making a promise to yourself to change for the better.

It's a bit like what I was saying about the apocalypse, in that when we come to these ends, we look back and try to think how we can be better. But there's one problem with that.
People suck at change.
You can talk about change and turning your life on it's head, losing that weight and getting a job, but we suck at it. Because we don't like doing things that are hard. That's why I've decided, this year, that I am not going to change my life, because I am just as bad as everyone else. Sure, my life probably is going to change a little, but rather than adding things to my life, I will resolve the little things that need fixing, make them better. Just as things can always get worse, they can also always get better. And my goal is to better my life with the following little resolutions:

- I am going to write more (stories)
I am already writing my own stories, and I am pretty sure I can get it done by the end of the year. But I am not going to plan to end. Why? Because endings can be stressful. If I go 'OH I GOTTA FINISH THIS STORY, COME ON LET'S DO THIS' then I start worrying about it and struggling. And worry and struggle are not conducive to good writing.
Unlike tasks such as 'walking the dog' or 'losing weight', writing stories isn't just about finding the time. It's also about finding the idea and the frame of mind for good story-telling. So, while I wish I would finish that big damn novel, I will resolve only to work on it more, and hopefully get it finished that much sooner

- I am going to write better (blog posts)
I have probably already mentioned this, but I will no longer be writing every day. That was blatantly obvious when I went on holidays, but moreso I will be hoping to do about 10 posts a month. My maths says that's about one every three days. Why so few? Well, first, as I said, I will be writing more. I need to write every day to keep my words flowing, but if I am writing stories, I don't really have to practice so much do I? The second reason is that I want these posts to be of higher quality. My plan is that my second post of this year will be another fun piece of fiction. Look forward to that in my next post

- I will try to find a partner (girlfriend)
A lot of fellas will be wishing on that New Years Star for a girlfriend, wife or female housemaid of their own. And I too, hope to find a love one day, to love me back. But I don't want to just FIND one. I don't want to run into her on the street one day, because it loses all the magic. If I wanted to come across a partner, I would use an internet dating site. But as a storyteller, I would hate to see the day when my kid says: "Dad, how did you meet mommy?" and I say "The internet."
No, I want to earn a partner. She doesn't have to be some damsel in distress that I rescue from a broken home. But I want it to have more narrative and meaning than a simple fetch-quest. So I will actually endeavour to find a partner. Look better when I leave the house, act kinder to strangers, live healthier and generally be more respectable. Will this mean I will GET a girlfriend? Not necessarily. But either way, I will enjoy the process of becoming a better man.

And that's it. Is it everything that I want to happen in my life? No, there's a lot I wish would happen. If someone could mail me a winning lottery ticket one day, it would be greatly appreciated. But in the real world, these are the things I not only CAN do, but will ACTUALLY do; unlike Dictionary, whose resolution is to get leetspeak removed from the world's vocabulary.
So, if you're actually a dedicated enough reader to check out this post after my semi-hiatus, let me know. What is YOUR new year's resolution?