Thirteen Horrors You Should Not Ignore . . .

Welcome, dear and dastardly deviants, to my dark and digital domicile . . . isn't it a lovely night to be out amongst the shadows?
In fact, I think it's twice as lovely. Because on tonight's date I turn twenty-six years old. Now, I don't know whether or not you are good at arithmetic or if you have enough fingers to count so high, but twenty-six just so happens to be the sum of thirteen multiplied by two. Or, in other words, it's thirteen twice. What a cruel coincidence . . .

Now, some of you may think that doesn't matter in the mildest. I would even confess, if you broke my arm and demanded the truth, that essentially it doesn't. This belief in the significance of numbers, in numerology, divine will or fortune-telling is a cold and empty art. Numbers, in and of themselves, are meaningless.
In the year 1997, thirty-nine (39) people in the state of California willingly consumed barbiturates mixed with apple sauce, downed it with vodka, then wrapped bags around their heads to suffocate in the hopes that their souls would board a spaceship which they believed was hiding in a passing comet. In the year 1920, three (3) African American circus workers who were arrested on suspicion of assaulting and raping a nineteen-year old girl were lynched by an angry mob that broke into the jail, and hanged the three men from a lamppost outside the jail; despite the fact that the girl was never assaulted or raped, and most evidence seems to show that she may have instead been mugged by a white man after leaving the circus. Much earlier, In the year of 1692, twenty-five (25) men and women were officially executed for the crime of witchcraft in the State of Massachusetts, most of them hanged by the neck until dead with one woman even being pressed to death. In 2001, in Texas, all five (5) children of a fervently religious woman were methodically drowned by their mother, as she believed that she was sending them to Heaven, and saving their souls from the torment of Hell.
39, 3, 25, 5 - None of these numbers matter, they are arbitrary.
The amount of people that die do not have absolute significance, it's nothing more than the disposal of innocent life by stupid people. Just as the number of years I have lived is nothing more than the number of years that I have managed to avoid fatal accidents, suicide and murder.

By that same notion, it is arbitrary that I have chosen to commemorate those passing years with a countdown thirteen days prior to The Eve of All Hallows. But, nonetheless, we find ourselves once again performing the ritual of the Halloween Countdown:

A count of the days, counting down from thirteen,
From today, thirteen nights till we see Halloween.

Well, the numbers are arbitrary, however, these tragedies are not. I specifically chose four tragedies which typify people's stupidity. Stupid people killing themselves or others for stupid reasons . . .

Okay, perhaps stupid is not the best word. Whilst we can agree that these people weren't the sharpest knives on the chopping block, they must in fact have had something rattling inside their heads. It takes some planning to murder many persons. I'm not suggesting I approve, or disapprove, I merely mean that criminal intent requires a living brain. Some of this was indeed the foolish belief in magic, or gods, but that isn't unintelligent, just inaccurate; and some of these people were "smart" in tangible ways. The cult followers had to know how medications worked so they could abuse them, you can't have mental illness without a mind and even the lynch mob at least had to know how to tie a knot . . .
No, the danger here was not stupidity, it was ignorance. The Word of the Day is: 'IGNORANT'

Ignorant /'ignǝrǝnt/ adj. 1. Lacking in knowledge or training; unlearned: An ignorant man. 2. Lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact: Ignorant of quantum physics. 3. Uninformed; unaware. 4. Due to or showing lack of knowledge or training: An ignorant statement.

Yes, the ignorant. Those unknowing, unlearned, uninformed fools, who inflict other people with their own lack of truth. This is not only the Word of this Day, but also the major theme of this year's Countdown.

The most disturbing things this year has had to offer are due to ignorance . . .
Islamic State, a cult of psychopaths who believe in a god that doesn't exist; seek to create a state which nobody accepts & follows a nonsensical law devised by a madman.
Trump, that thing I call the Walrus (the Worst American Leader Ruining the United States), is deteriorating the unity, peace, integrity, respect and confidence of all Americans every moment that he presides, who doesn't even know what executive power actually entails.
Gay Marriage, nothing more than a human right to equality, is being tossed around like a plastic bag in the wind, by those who pretend it marks some coming apocalypse.
Even my own recent regression of Mental Health was the result of subconsciously ignoring the demons within me, the niggling unease and doubts under my skin.

Ignorance rots within us, decaying our security, morality, and society from the inside out. Because the truth is, our problems have solutions which are not even that hard to try. We are not all doomed to insignificance and failure. Life need not be so tragic.
Nonetheless it is . . . through the choices of those uneducated few. For, a hopeless endeavour, whilst damning, is not so frightening. We must accept what is, and forgive what is not. Hope is more terrifying. That is why 'Ignorant' is the Word of the Day, and the Theme of the coming weeks and the sign of these times. Because ignorance is stealing our success from us.

In this countdown, I plan on creating fictions of horrific close-mindedness; sharing tales of the truly ignorant, in my own experiences of those who deny science; further developing the understanding on the monsters we have forgot & reporting upon my understanding of what it truly means to be afflicted with this mental sickness that we call ignorance.

So please, don't be scared or confused, you have nothing to be frightened of - so, join me in the coming days as we count down these things, in the inevitable approach towards Halloween.
I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and you won't want to ignore what I've got prepared for you in the nights we count down before Halloween . . .

A Mind is a Terrible Thing

Good evening, my dreadful droves of dedicated drones. I'm the Absurd Word Nerd and things have taken a dark turn here on the blog, because the year is 2016 . . .
In January this year, the World Health Organization announced an outbreak of the Zika Virus. In February, North Korea launched a military test rocket into space, breaking several UN treaties. In March, several bombings in Brussels, Belgium killed 32 people and injured at least 250. In April, 193 people died due to a clash between Armenian and Azerbaijani militaries. In May, EgyptAir Flight 804 crashed, killing 66 people. In June, the United Kingdom left the EU, sending the country into chaos. In July, Philippines won the case for the South China Sea, setting in motion several tensions threatening to incite war in Asia. In August, a Syrian Civil war broke out between Turkish/Syrian fighters and ISIS. In September, North Korea conducted its largest ever nuclear test.

And today, on the eighteenth day of the month of October, I celebrated my twenty-fifth birthday.

 . . . and so say all of us.

Yes, today is my birthday. at least, it will be in the future. Well, it is currently, but I am writing this post in the past, so it isn't my birthday for me, but it is for you. Although, it will be for me when you read this . . . so, yes, today is my birthday.
I apologize, I am just wasting your time. Also, I do this every year, so I hope it doesn't seem wasteful to repeat once more:

A count of the days, counting down from thirteen,
From today, thirteen nights till we see Halloween.

You see, I have noticed that, in the past, the words I chose for the very first day of the countdown became a kind of arbitrary theme for the entire Halloween Celebration. See, 2013's first word was 'MONSTER', and I wrote about monsters in fiction, arachnid monsters and the monsters within my mind. 2014's word was 'BLOODY', and about how blood makes me feel vulnerable, and I wrote about fears that make me weak, the frailty of life, and the times my life nearly ended. Last year, 2015, I wrote about 'ANXIETY', and the conflicting, two-sided nature of how it stops and starts my creativity, then the entire post was about multi-faceted myths and creatures, I made a parody of decorating ideas (a two-faced post) and half of the countdown was about placing two creatures in conflict, fighting for supremacy.

I do not do this by design, so either the original post lends itself to the rest of the countdown's attitude, . . . or I'm wasting your time trying to invent some greater meaning to these posts.
Speaking of, the Word of the Day is: 'WASTE'

Waste /wayst/ v.t. 1. To use up or spend, without enough result; use to no avail; squander: To waste time; to waste words. 2. To fail to use: To waste an opportunity. 3. To destroy or wear away gradually. 4. To wear down or reduce in health or strength; emaciate; enfeeble: To be wasted by disease or hunger. 5. To destroy, devastate or ruin: A country wasted with fire and sword. 6. Colloquial To murder. ♦v.i. 7. To be used up or spent without enough result. 8. To become physically wasted, lose flesh or strength (often followed by away). 9. To diminish gradually: His health is wasting away. 10. To pass gradually: Time is wasting. ♦n. 11. The useless spending or use without enough result: Waste of material; waste of money. 12. Neglect, instead of use: waste of opportunity. 13. A gradual destroying; decay: The waste and repair of bodily tissue. 14. Ruin or devastation, as from war, fire, etc. 15. → Wasteland (see definition). 16. Anything left over from production: Industrial waste. 17. Go to waste, to fail to be used; be wasted. 18. Lay waste, to destroy; devastate; ruin. ♦adj. 19. Not used, or in use: Waste energy. 20. (of land, regions, etc.) rough, uncultivated and lonely. 21. Left over or unnecessary: Waste products of manufacture. 22. Physiology Relating to material unused by or unusable to the organism. 23. Carrying waste material.

No, I am not planning on wasting your time. In fact, I like to be efficient. It's something that concerns me often, being efficient. I don't like it when things go to waste. I don't like throwing things out unless I have sucked them dry, and guaranteed that they cannot be used in the future; I don't like taking away an opportunity that someone else could use to greater effect unless such a person is undeserving and I don't like wasting your time. In fact, the original two times I claimed to be "wasting time" were meant to exemplify how one can easily second-guess themselves, about whether something they are doing has purpose or does not. So, you see, you can still put your faith in me, I won't let you down.
On the one hand, this relates to the 2015 Halloween Countdown, because one of the very things that caused me the greatest anxiety when I was suffering it was the idea of wasting time. Then, following upon the notion that life is merely a series of moments in time that we experience, I felt like I was wasting my life, or perhaps even that my life itself was a waste of time. It felt pointless; it felt meaningless & when you negate every moment in your life, it makes your death seem that much nearer. I then began to question whether death itself was a waste of time, I questioned whether meaning and purpose was a waste of time thinking about. I began to question who I was, whether I could even assess myself, and whether I could even assess my own mechanisms of questioning myself.
The saddest part is, all of this cyclical self-neglect and existential quandary meant that I wasted two weeks of my life before I saw a doctor; two weeks of panic, sleepless nights, darkness and depression. Thankfully, I got better.

But beyond my own personal worries, waste is often related to the idea of death. When we fight wars, we often call it a pointless waste of life, but also, when we die, our bodies rot, or waste away. To me, there are many elements of horror imbued within the concept of "waste", and I plan on exploring as many of them as I can during this countdown.

And, also, I plan on sharing some facts, some fiction and some fascinating, frightening fun with you during this years Halloween Countdown. Until then, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I'm not going to waste another second with this post.

Brisbane Writers Festival - Part 1: Perpetrators

I don't always jump aboard the hype train; I'm not the best team player and, I don't always have the necessary cash to afford a sudden whim to go out and join in. So, I'm really turning over a new leaf this month, because I have a lot of writing-related news to share with you.

To begin with, I am planning on doing NaNoWriMo this year. Yes, I know, I've railed against it in the past. But this year, I actually have a cool idea that I am keen to turn into a novel or novella. I'm sick of being an unpublished writer, and  Beloved, my girlfriend, is already published, so it's about time that I take a risk and try out this whole publishing thing.
As for what the book is about, I cannot say, I don't like talking about unpublished books. What I can tell you is that the working title, and potential 'finished' title is GIDEON.

Another fun thing, this is the first every blog post I an writing entirely on my phone. The first time I got this thing, I said it would be interesting to write using my phone, so here it is. Officially, this is the first blog post I'm writing using only my thumb.

Thirdly, the reason I'm writing this on my phone is because I'm currently at the Brisbane Writer's Festival. I'm between panels at the moment, and I'm going to use the time effectively by writing during the writers festival. I've heard a lot interesting talks today. Listened to some interesting people, and overall there is a fascinating theme that ties everything together about victimization and story focus.

So, I'm going to four panels here, today:

Crime and Curiosity, was a panel of Kate Kyriaciou, Mark Tedeshi and Emily Maguire, all about true crime and crime in fiction and asking why this fascinates us. In short, "emotion"; so, it was interesting listening to these true crime writers . . . but, fiction is my heart and soul, and I found one of the speakers most compelling, so I bought a copy of An Isolated Incident by Emily Maguire, a book that focuses on not a murder victim, but her sister, as the media runs with the story of her sister's death. Ms Maguire was kind enough to sign it for me, and I look forward to reading it.

Psycho, was a panel held mere minutes later, I had enough time to buy the book, get it signed, then right upstairs to a panel all about how we find these maniacs so fascinating, with Justine Larbalestier, Caroline Overington and Caroline Kepnes. In this, the ladies discussed what psychopathy is, how those elements are reflected in fiction and how, ironically, it is our empathy that makes these sociopaths so fascinating. Now, my beloved was the one that told me to go to the festival, and it was because she is a fan of Justine Larbalestier. I bought her new book My Sister, Rosa had her sign it and although she was sick, she graciously took a photo with me, to send to my girlfriend, and signed my old copy of Liar.

Then, I had lunch at Stone & Wood (great smoked steak) and got a mocha at Cafe Brisbane (amazing coffee, I should have got iced latte, the shot quality was perfection, no need for chocolate or sugar) before heading to my third panel.

Beautiful Failures was a talk with journalist-cum-author, Lucy Clark, who saw her daughter's anxieties at school and wrote an article called My daughter, my beautiful failure, only to investigate this further to discover greater failures in the education system, and containing her discoveries in a book for which the panel was named. I'm afraid my wallet was not forgiving enough to let me buy more books, but you can read her original article on the guardian website.

And now, I'm sitting outside a café, by the riverside, waiting for my next panel to begin.

Overlords and Underworlds will be panelled by Justin Cronin, Angela Slatter and Candice Fox, and promises to reveal the dark and distant places that these writers find themselves in when they leave the real world behind.
I'm looking forward to it, I've found some of the talks I've already listened to exciting and interesting, but also inspiring. But also, despite the fact that I came here on a whim, and had an amazing time, all of the panels/talks/discussions I've been a part of so far have all had an underlying theme that has permeated discussion and insidiously infiltrated my mind. And that theme is . . . going to be the subject of a future post.

See, another writing related thing coming up soon is my Halloween Countdown. So that I will have the stamina to write NaNoWriMo, I am writing the countdown now, so I can take a break in October and use Nove(l)mber as the writing month for which it is intended. Part 2 of this Brisbane Writers Festival blog will be posted during the countdown.

Until then, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, I'm having a fantastic day today listening to writers and enjoying Brisbane, and if I'm lucky enough this November, and get published, I may even be able to be one of the presenters at a future BWF . . . I can only hope.
If you have any kind of writing, reading or book festival happening in your area, I highly encourage you to take part, or to come on down to Brisbane, it's a lot of fun.

UnSafe & UnSchooled

I want to start this off by saying that I am not here to pick a fight. I may end up eating those words, but my goal is not to make people upset, to insult anybody or to imply that people are being willfully unkind. In fact, I'm not even here to change people's opinions. That may seem weird coming from a blog like this, I often say "I'm a Narrator, not a Dictator", because I just tell people things. I don't use actions to change the world - I often do seek to change opinions, so that others act differently - but today, I'm not.
Whilst I am of the opinion that LGBT people of all colours, kinds and creeds deserve equal rights in every strand, that is not the issue here. So, if you disagree, if you think that marriage between a man and a woman is in some way sacred; if you think that transgendered youth should not be given the chance to transition or be recognized as their gender identity & if you think that same-sex children do not have a right to sexual education, you're welcome to that opinion . . . for today, at least; if you want to argue that particular point, then we will do so on another day, on another post, and I will gladly explain why your opinion is unfounded.

But the reason I am here is not because these people's opinions are wrong, it's because their facts are wrong. There is no word of the day today, because I'm not exploring language, I'm just here to explain something. The Topic of the Day is: "Safe Schools"

If you are not Australian, you may not understand the specific political controversy I am talking about today, but I recommend you read these words anyway; because, with the current cultural climate, every country is going to have to come to terms with its homosexual, bisexual & transgendered citizens in the near future. This is just another instance of Australia trying to deal with hers.
See, we are about to have an election, which means political parties are starting to fight. All you need to know is that despite being the result of a leadership spill, our current Prime Minister is pretty popular and for a long time the Opposition Leader was barely a blip on the radar, but as we've come closer the election, the Opposition Leader has gone full-gear into his election campaign, and he's been gaining popularity. So, as a result, whilst the major parties are creating positive campaigns, minor politicians are fighting dirty with smear campaigns.
One of the campaigns [which appears to be spearheaded by the Australian Christian Lobby, but don't quote me on that] is targeting Christians and Conservatives with pamphlets and resources saying that if you vote for the Opposition, then you will support the Safe Schools program; and tacking on the addendum that the Safe Schools program is an extreme sexual education program that tells children to be gay and that gender is a fluid concept, and telling very young kids about sexual intercourse and deviant sexual practices. I know this, because I received this pamphlet in the mail, and it made me very angry.

Now, this is the reason why I am not here to change opinions, because although I am a pretty progressive and open-minded person, I can agree with that ideal (somewhat tentatively). I mean, I agree for different reasons - I don't think anyone should be gay, but I also don't think anyone should be straight; I think you should be yourself. I also don't think gender is a fluid concept, I think that it is on a spectrum, but I don't think gender changes (transgendered male-assigned kids were always girls, etcetera), and I don't think that different degrees of femininity or masculinity matter, the only people whose gender identity should be legally changed and recognized are people with gender dysphoria who wish to treat that affliction by undergoing transition. I also think that, whilst it's perfectly healthy for adults to do whatever they want to do sexually, as long as there is consent and no harm caused; children need to be taught sex-education for the purposes of understanding puberty, safety and respect, not how to mount a sex swing.
So, no, we shouldn't tell kids to be gay, we shouldn't tell kids to cross-dress or to consider their gender transient, and we shouldn't discuss erotic content with young children . . .

So, it's a really good thing that Safe Schools doesn't do that.

Let's start from the beginning. So, what is Safe Schools? Well, it began as a Coalition that was begun for the purposes of combating the discrimination of LGBTQI children, this coalition was a joint effort of several LGBTQI "Ally" organizations throughout Australia (Western Australian AIDS Council; SHFPACT; True; Working it Out; Shine SA; Family Planning NSW & the Foundation of Young Australians) coalescing to create a dedicated program that would help the victims of queer discrimination.
What they came up with was a program which took a two-pronged approach. For these minority students, they offered respect and access to support and resources online; and for the rest of the student body, they taught children about respect, diversity, being kind to one another and working together without discrimination, offering resources to children at risk of becoming abusive or abused.

This is not just hearsay on the part of the program itself; when I received the pamphlet in the mail it had the distinct, emotionally manipulative style of propaganda. So, I decided to look it up, and I perused every single free teaching resource from the Safe Schools Hub for children in Kindergarten to Grade 7.
Now, I looked up just that bracket because kids in Australia graduate Grade 7 at age 12 [in Queensland at least, it may be different elsewhere], and that's around the time when, on average, kids will be reaching puberty. Now, I personally don't see a problem with teaching young kids sexual education and safe sex; I don't think it causes sexual deviancy . . . but at the same time, I lack the appropriate knowledge to either confirm or deny the "best age" for a kid to be sexually educated. All I do know is that puberty is when most children become more curious about their (and their peer's) bodies, so I figured after that point, it's fair game.

As for why I only looked at the free stuff? Mainly, it's because I do not have the disposable income to spend money on teaching resources for the sake of curiosity. But the other reasons is that the major contention of this smear campaign is funding.
I want to take a quick moment to say, this is just funding, and if you decide to vote one way or another due to a like or dislike of this program, it won't go away. It will lose government funding, but this is a coalition of seven pre-existing organizations, and several of their resources are dependent on other government funded supporter organizations, of which there are 168. So, if you choose to vote one way or another, all it will mean is that they will find their funding someplace else. I honestly don't care who you vote for, I only care who I vote for (since that's all I can affect), but if you think voting against a party that supports this program, all you're doing is swapping out who finances this program.
In fact, I think that is the only reason not to support Safe Schools; the Australian budget isn't as plump as it once was, so if you think government funds should be spent elsewhere, this is one program that won't suffer too much from lack of government funding. See, even if the Australian Government support stops, the current program relies on the Foundation for Young Australians (a not for profit organization), and just this year (at time of writing) the Victorian government has declared that it will continue to fund the Safe Schools Coalition, as it was the first state to implement it and does not want to lose its benefits.
Whilst I see no reason not to fund the program, I can see the value in wanting to invest government money elsewhere.

But anyway, that aside, I actually looked into the resources, so: What did those resources actually say about homsexual and transgender children?

Absolutely nothing. Zilch, zip, nada. See, the beautiful thing about homophobia [and there is only one beautiful thing] is that the only thing you have to do to stop people from being homophobic is teach them to be nice.
The first few resources I read came in a couple of varieties, and whilst they were more or less complicated, and had a different focus, they fell into several common types.
One type was the "be a friendly community" resource, which were about why it's nice to have friends, how to make friends; talking about respect and also stuff about community and activities that made kids get to know how to cooperate with one another, as well as cyber safety. Another type of resource was the "thinking healthy thoughts" resource, for the younger kids, this focussed on being open and honest about your emotions - not sexual emotions, just being sad or happy; it was designed to make kids feel more comfortable when being honest about their mental and emotional health. Then for older kids, it had several bullying resources, including a resource that offered help to explain not only why you were being bullied, but also explained to bullies why they feel the way they do, and how to deal with their issues as well, without resorting to violence.
Thirdly, there was the "how to be nice" resources, which talked about good and bad behaviour, or how to play well with friends, or for older kids included discussions on cyberbullying as well as ethics, morals and discrimination, and how it is beneficial to embrace diversity.
See, discrimination is very simple. It's not a rational belief, it's often emotional; you don't need to enter into a theological, sociopsychological debate in order to be nice to queer kids, you just need to teach them the facts about why it's nice to be nice and the job is done.

Now, full disclosure, there was one resource that mentioned homosexuality. It was called "Say No To Homophobia", but there are two facts you need to know: Firstly, the link didn't work, because the page had been moved; and secondly, it was an external link to the BeyondBlue website - it was a third-party resource, it wasn't even funded by the Safe Schools program.
Oh, and there was one resource for older primary school kids that was about sexual education . . . it was about sexting (i.e. sharing sexual photographs or information about yourself via phone or text message). However, it was focussed on heterosexual relationships, and it had one focus "sexting is illegal, don't do it". So, there was one overt "sexual education" resource, and it was aimed at straight kids.

Now I want you to ask yourself a question, because I asked myself this as well:
"Why would a program, whose main website says they are dedicated to stopping discrimination of homosexual, intersex and transgender minorities include so many resources that are not targeted at queer discrimination, or aimed at straight kids?"

You can consider your response, but I found only one conclusion: Safety
See, this program is called Safe Schools, and if you wish to teach people not to discriminate, you can't just focus on one minority. For two reasons [again with the two reasons], firstly, by ignoring other minorities when saying "don't discriminate", you create discrimination by silence, even if you ignore the majority it still would be othering, and it would paint a target on their back, the same way that the "anti-bullying wristbands" backfired. So, in order to make it safer for queer kids, you need to make it safer for everyone.
Secondly, one of the major causes of bullying, discrimination and mental health issues is stress and the sensation of impotence; when someone is stressed they may take it out on others, and bullying can be caused by those who are abused and associate violence with authority, or those that feel some form of self-pity or low self-esteem, to the degree that they externalize these feelings by making others feel worse than they feel - it's a simplified explanation, but it's true that victims of abuse often become perpetrators, and bullying is abuse, no matter what form it takes, emotional, physical or psychological.
Whether incidental or by design, Safe Schools combat discrimination of the few by teaching respect to the many. There's nothing sinister or underhanded about it. They very openly say "we want to get rid of transphobia and homophobia" on their website.

Now, there is still this pervading belief that they are telling kids to imagine what it's like to be gay, and that it tells kids it's okay to cross-dress. These are the resources often quoted as "corrupting the children", but these are not resources that that are part of the safe schools program, those rumours are based off of student-made resources, and third-party programs.
See, some of the teaching tools [for highschool kids, mind you] include lessons which centre on having the students create their own anti-discrimination posters or taking part in events or activities that celebrate diversity, and one of those has been floating around as evidence of "the gay agenda", but it is merely a self-motivated student encouraging a kind of diversity. There are also third-party websites which ask for student input in regards to their mental health, and several of these relate true stories from homosexual and transgendered teens, it is not a resource administrated by Safe Schools.
In regards to reports of a module that asks kids to think like a homosexual, the Safe Schools Coalition had only one thing to say:
  "The role play activity that has been discussed in media today is not and has never been part of Safe Schools Coalition Australia (SSCA) resources." - SSCA

Finally, the fears about little boys using the little girls bathroom, and vice versa? Whilst that is a topic of contention, and Safe Schools supports the right of transgendered children to use the bathroom in the manner which does not make them feel uncomfortable, the fact of the matter is that no matter what Safe Schools supports, the law is the law - we recognize transgendered gender identity rights in this country, so only boys can use the boys' bathroom, and only girls can use the girls' bathroom, even if those boys and girls are trans - but there are legal parameters that prevent people from cheating the system. A boy can't just declare himself female and run into the lady's loo any more than I can declare myself "authorized staff" and run into a bank vault.
Safe Schools does not tell kids they can just use whichever bathroom they want, that's a lie, and even if it did it doesn't change the fact that this is just a teaching program, not legislation or even curriculum, it doesn't change the current bathroom segregation legislation in any way, not one iota.

So, no, there's nothing about Safe Schools that sexualizes young children, encourages deviancy, causes children to question their identity or indoctrinates children into accepting a political ideology (unless "be nice to people" is a political ideal). It just encourages diversity, acceptance, respect, mental health and has an overall code of conduct exemplified by the ideal that school should be a safe place for all children.

The only possible justification you could have to fear or dislike Safe Schools is if you honestly believe that discrimination is a good thing which should be encouraged. If you honestly think that, well, you're wrong. Treat others as you would like to be treated, that's Sociology 101; we are nice to one another and do not discriminate, because it's beneficial for everyone if we treat everyone well.
Or, to paraphrase Martin Niemöller:

First they came for the Transgendered, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not Transgendered.
Next they came for the Homosexuals, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Homosexual.
Then they came for the Bisexuals, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Bisexual.
Finally they came for me, and there was no one left to speak for me . . .

Today, I was not here to change your opinion, I was here to present you with the actual facts in regards to this whole Safe Schools "controversy", because when you know the truth, it's not controversial at all, either you think schools should be a safe place for kids, free from discrimination, or you don't. If you don't, I vehemently disagree with you, but you're allowed to be wrong. Just don't tell me, or I'll probably want to debate you on it. If you do, I recommend you get your local school to join up, it's a pretty cool program.
But if you think that this is an example of the "gay liberal agenda" or that by falling for this propaganda, you in any way address your own views in regards to LGBTQI, or prevent others from accepting them as part of the community, you are wrong. The truth is, the only reason the Australian Christian Lobby created this campaign is because the Opposition Leader said they wanted to legalize same-sex marriage, and they want to terrify everyone into voting against that policy by saying that support for the Opposition is support for sexual deviancy. But I'm not here to do that. If you don't like same-sex marriage, vote however you like, because even if you vote against the party that plans on same-sex marriage legalization, there is still a referendum to be held after the election anyway.

In conclusion, I still don't care who you vote for. Personally, I don't even think this is the most important thing to consider in this upcoming election (although I would love to downvote the propagandists that spread this bigoted fear mongering). You see, I honestly believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, you can feel about this in whichever way you want. However, you are not entitled to your own facts. These are the facts, and if you feel the need to dispute the verisimilitude of anything I have said thus far, bring it to my attention alongside a primary source that affirms your claim, otherwise you're just another poor sod falling for fear mongering, bigoted propaganda, and you need to learn how to do some critical thinking before you inflict anyone else with your opinion.

Short of Breath, Long of Thought

Good evening, my faithful followers . . . don't worry, I'm not dead. Not yet, anyway.
I've disappeared for a while, for a hiatus, a holiday, a healing reprieve. Call it what you will, but I'm back.
And not without pomp or ceremony, because I always act a little pompous and ceremonious on a day like today. After all, today is my birthday.

Hip . . . hip . . . hurrah.

Y'know, that reminds me. During this month, in 1819 (and several months preceding), there was a series of riots in Germany by a collection of anti-Semitic Germans, who killed many Jewish citizens, and destroyed their property.
they were known as the Hep-Hep Riots, for the way the rioters called out "hep hep" to the German Jews they were rounding up and beating, the same way that a shepherd would call to round up sheep. Just something to think about.

Yes, we've come around once more to my birthday, and that means that we have to resurrect that old, dusty tradition. The Halloween Countdown:

A count of the days, counting down from thirteen,
From today, thirteen nights till we see Halloween.

Now, I must admit, it's been a while since I've written anything for the blog. I do sincerely apologize, I didn't want to see you all suffer . . . not like that, anyway. But, don't think I've forgiven and forgotten you all! Rather, I was working on something special for the blog, for this very countdown. No, please, don't go getting your hopes up.
See, the reason I haven't written a blog post is because I was working up until this very second on it . . . and I'm still not done.

See, I came up with a twisted, little idea for the Countdown. Because it's Thirteen blog posts, I thought I could write a little story with 13 chapters. Sounds fun, right?
Well, yes . . . but, I bit off more than I could chew. So in the interests of completing in time, I've decided to spit out the gory, bloody chunk of meat I've been chewing on in the hopes of nibbling on some lighter Halloween Candy.
Don't fear! I still plan on writing that story, and I think I'll even give it to you all next year. I've written chapter one, and it is delectably morbid fare. I won't give you any spoilers, since I will share it with you next year, all I will say is this:
"the scariest moment is when you come to terms with reality."

But, this year, we'll try to make this a little easier. After all, I haven't been feeling well lately . . . so please, pity, the poor, simpering madman.
For that reason, the Word of the Day is: 'ANXIETY'

Anxiety /ang'zuyǝtee/ n. 1. Tension or unease of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune. 2. Concerned desire; eagerness. 3. Psychology A state of fear and tension found in some disorders of the mind.

See, I have been feeling a little nervous, lately. A little anxious. It's hard to shake that oppressive cycle of self-destructive worry. But, I've been learning. It's weird, though. See, anxiety is a bad thing, definitely, for me it is one of the most unsettling and disruptive forces in my waking life (and my Beloved has forewarned me that sufferers can even have 'anxiety dreams').
But, anxiety is not really a "bad" thing. Just like fire, blood and knives, it's not the thing itself which is evil, but the things that we do with it.

For starters, anxiety is meant to protect us. You're walking through the forest, you hear a twig snap, a strange noise or see a shadow flicker past your vision, then your body reacts. You tense up, adrenaline floods your body, your breathing quickens and shortens, your eyes narrow, your brain goes into overdrive analyzing your senses and thoughts to try to quantify the danger.
Anxiety is meant to be your friend, your bodyguard and your protector.

By that same token, anxiety can also have a positive influence. I want to share something with you fine readers from two earlier blog posts. These are two different blog posts I wrote in 2013, but I will copy my own words here, because I want you to stay focussed here, not off reading those elsewhere. Here's what I said:

  "The thing is, relaxing isn't fun. I don't like to relax. Sleep is boring, sitting around is just stupid and not thinking is a slow torture. I don't like holidays and I don't like to relax."

- The Absurd Word Nerd, Pause for Thought, Sunday, 21 April 2013

  "See, I like a challenge, I like to make my mind-gears whir overtime, and overclock my cortex to a point where I feel like it doesn't fit in my skull. I like thinking BIG, so even when I tackle something potentially 'simple' I like to see if I can complicate it."

- The Absurd Word Nerd, The Writing on the Wall, Thursday, 30 May 2013

In retrospect, both of these are fuelled by a sense of anxiety. I don't like sleeping and relaxing, and I don't like being bored or boring. Now, this kind of anxiety is one of excitement, but that is, nonetheless, anxiety. Just as the definition says, some anxiety is concerned desire, or eagerness.
It's the same reason why people enjoy horror films. Adrenaline, fear and horror are not bad things. So, even though I am still working on my feelings of anxiety, I am confident that a little Halloween fun will do me good.

And, of course, since it's one of the scariest things I'm dealing with, it might just inspire a little fear in my readers. For now, I'm going to go eat some birthday cake. But until tomorrow, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd and I hope you enjoy this Countdown, and that you're all excited about Halloween!

"The Do's and Don'ts of Prom Night Sex"

DISCLAIMER: A little while ago, my friend Sean and I were talking about journalism, how so often the news is nothing more than a biased writer/reporter expositing on their own agenda. To explain his point, Sean showed me an article called Do’s and Don’ts of Prom Night Sex. After reading it, I was a little annoyed, this wasn't a list of "Do and Don't", it was a list of "Don'ts and Do Nots", a thinly-veiled attempt to hide the writer's distaste for Prom Night Sex. If you read the article yourself, you can see what I mean. Now, don't get me wrong, I have no ill will towards the writer, Genevieve Suzuki. She makes it clear that this was an editorial mandate, and she clearly wasn't keen on this idea, and the fact that she managed to write anything at all is admirable, and I'm on her side, Prom Night Sex probably isn't a good idea.

However, she made a commitment she couldn't meet; she didn't follow the brief and she didn't provide the article requested of her. I complained to Sean and said "There are no 'Do's in this list", and he conceded that, since Prom Night Sex is a bad idea, there wouldn't be that many to choose from, but I said off-handedly: I could write a better article than that.
And after thinking about it, I not only decided that I could, but that I would. I am not a man to back down from a challenge, and since I would love to be a professional writer, this one tickled my fancy. So, I decided that I had given myself an editorial mandate: I would write a "Dos and Don'ts" advice column about Prom Night Sex, which doesn't covertly demonize those who do it. So, for those of you that would otherwise be wondering what the hell I'm doing writing about teenaged sex, consider it nothing more than stepping up to a challenge.

5 DOs and 5 DON'Ts of Prom Night Sex

Prom Night Sex, is it a good idea? Well, no. But hey, it happens. Hell, if your Mother is young and you were born around September, you could very well be the result of Prom Night Sex. So, I'm not here to judge, I do that in my free time. Rather, today, I'm here to offer you some advice about Promenade Coitus in a manner that is easy to remember, and will make this bad idea slightly less horrible.

DO:

1. Avoid Capture
As dangerous and exciting as it may seem to fuck under the tables at the prom reception, you're not a ninja, you'll probably get caught. Also, if you try to sneak into a closet during the photo sessions, someone is going to wonder where you are. Consider something before or after the prom, in a car, or a bed somewhere. Or, if you absolutely must do it during the ceremony, make sure you do it when everyone is mingling, with no structure or schedule, that way no one will miss you. Also, take note, a condom can make for an easier clean-up.

2. Consider Comfort
I mention using a car for two reasons. One, it's secluded (and if your fella/lady has a car, that's a bonus), but also, it has a backseat. While it's not the most dignified fuck-zone in the world, it's better than on the grass, in a closet, against a wall or on a stranger's couch. In fact, the best place is somewhere in a house where there are no supervisors (of the parental OR peer variety), since there are beds, blankets, couches, tables & showers. Also, you'd have free resources to hide any evidence afterwards.
But I'm still assuming that you won't have that kind of freedom, because not only is that rare, but otherwise there's not much advice I can offer.

3. Lower your Expectations
This is not going to be the best thing in the world. This may seem like a negative thing, but that's not what I'm saying at all. Either this is your first time, so one or both of you will be inexperienced, or it ISN'T, in which case it's just for the thrill of unlocking the "fucked on prom night" achievement. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying "it will definitely suck", but if you have low expectations, then you will either meet them, and be happy for trying, or you will surpass them, and be quite happy about your intercourse. Like with anything else, if you expect too much from an experience, then it becomes even harder for it to impress you.

4. Communicate
If you want to have sex on Prom Night, it's a good idea to tell your partner BEFORE Prom Night. There's nothing more melodramatic than getting slapped by a girl in a pretty dress, or turned down by a man in a suit, because you tried to suggest something fun. It also means that you can plan beforehand, together, and potentially even set things in motion so that you can have some privacy. Moreso, if you're both inexperienced, one way to counter that is to talk, and make sure that you're both prepared for what you want to do.

5. Have a Back-up Plan
You may have planned a beautiful evening, you'll take her to the top of the cliff, put out a blanket under the stars and let her screams of delight confuse the wildlife. Or maybe you planned on taking him back to your house, since your parents are on a weekend cruise, and you'll make passionate love in your room. Well, what if after putting out your blanket, it starts to rain? She doesn't want to be THAT kind of wet. Or what if you come home, turn on the lights, and your parents are home early, because they wanted to surprise you on prom night with a cake. So, make sure you have a fallback, consider any setbacks due to weather, family, car trouble, timing or accident, and try to plan accordingly.

DON'T:

1. Fuck in Public
Everything is a camera . . . EVERYTHING. If you go to someone's prom after-party and fuck on the couch, that is going straight online, as porn. Forever. Not to mention, there are some idiots out there. Fucking in public sometimes makes people think they're allowed to join in. Not only would that ruin the moment, but there are undoubtedly people at your school who you wouldn't want to risk that with.

2. Take Drugs Carelessly
Hey, you're having Prom Night Sex, so there's a good chance you do drugs. I'm not here to tell you to avoid drugs during your prom night sex, but rather, if you do, make sure you plan ahead. If you rock up to some party and someone offers you a toke, needle or pill you weren't expecting, either plan out your intercourse accordingly (planning for privacy, potential freakouts or munchies) then and there, or say no. In my opinion, if you want to do drugs, bring your own and make sure your partner knows. After all, if your sharing your genitals, surely you'd be expected to share your drugs, it's only fair.

3. Tell Everybody
I know, I know, this is half the fun of Prom Night sex, I get it. But the fact is, this is the kind of lowbrow gossip that can damage a reputation. If you absolutely must tell people, first of all, let your partner know; and secondly, make sure you only tell people you trust. Also, implicit in this is - Don't tell people beforehand. First of all, this could bring around Looky-loos, which is basically the same as fucking in public, you'll get unwanted attention. But also, it might turn your partner off the idea altogether, and everyone will see you as a lying braggard.

4. Have Unprotected Sex
The last thing anyone wants is a prom night, dumpster baby, back-alley abortion, or to go to college with morning sickness and/or child-related debt. Prom Night sex, generally, will be spur of the moment, so make sure you have protection, and/or quick and easy access to a morning after pill. Even if you think you can "pull out" fast enough, it's not worth risking the deposit on that dress.

5. Confuse It with Love
Sex is Sex, and Love is Love. Sure, people in love have sex, but don't go assuming that by having sex, that it means anything more than that. If you've already planned ahead, communicated & picked a good partner, sure, this MIGHT be a good moment for you both, as a couple. But if the person you're fucking isn't already your "significant other", it is stupid to assume that THIS is going to change that, and more than likely, you'll be seen as nothing more than a meat-based dildo, or free pussy.

In conclusion, there are a lot of things you can do to ruin your Prom Night. And I hope that this list has shown you that "having sex with a classmate" does not have to be one of them. Have fun, play safe and make it a night to remember.

Healing Diary: Prologue

I haven't been feeling well, lately. I've written posts before about how I do have depression and I manage it, most of the time. But lately, I've noticed a new ailment which - and I can barely believe I'm saying it - I believe to be much more severe, and a much heavier burden to bear. The strange part is, from the outside looking in, it seemed so much easier. I've heard about people suffering from it before, but it didn't seem so bad, concerning but not life-changing. But now that I'm living with it, it's devastating. It's anxiety.
The Word of the Day is: 'BUTTERFLIES'

Butterflies /ˈbutəfluyz/ pl. n. Informal A queasy feeling or tremors in the stomach region, as from nervousness, anxiety, excitement, etc; flutters: I sure got butterflies thinking about it.

Yes, I know "butterflies" tends to downplay the seriousness of anxiety. But, just as my post on 'depression' was called black dog, I thought it was apropos that this one also related to some kind of animal synonym.
This also relates to my "My Little Pony" post. I've been feeling a little blue lately, and that's why my 199th post was about MLP:FiM, because that makes me happy, and it did cheer me up (as did post 200), and it also it occurs to me, the character "Fluttershy" from my My Little Pony (my favourite), she's an easily startled, anxious little pony, and her cutie mark is three butterflies . . . make of that what you will.
I am writing this with two hours before I'm going to the doctor, to get checked out, and I'm actually kind of glad for it. In fact, that's the only reason I can write this, is because I've been doing everything I can to get better.

See, it all started not long after my 200th blog post. After that, my parents went on a cruise, and I had the house all to myself. It has been forever since my friends and I have partied together, had a few drinks together and enjoyed ourselves, so I decided to host a party. It was fantastic. It wasn't too raucous, and although there was heavy drinking, we spent most of the time sitting on couches, watching sport or bad movies, and just joking around, laughing at our dumb games and getting drunk. It was a lot of fun.
This was three days of drinking and friends, and on the last day, it was just me and my two great friends, Sean and Kieran. I was feeling a little unwell then, I assumed it was a hangover. Since I always hydrate myself well, I never get the headache, but I do sometimes feel my guts churn from too much drinking, and I was feeling that, I assumed that was all it was. They asked if I wanted them to leave, and I didn't, I just said I didn't want to party anymore, and wouldn't be drinking. They were fine with that, and it was Monday oncoming, so they packed up and left. And I basically went to bed and slept, since I was tired.

I woke up the next day, and I cleaned up the house a bit, but I still wasn't feeling well, and more than just a hangover would cause. I assumed it was the food we'd eaten, since we'd had pizza and chips and take-away food, mostly. So, I figured a better diet would perk me up; and since I usually get upset during winter, I thought some sunshine, some warmth and some healthy food would perk me right up. So, I did that, and during the day, I felt okay, if a little tense. But as night fell, I just kinda broke.I lost interest in everything, I felt stuck, I felt lonely, I felt a pressure in my chest. And I started getting these panic attacks, fear that I couldn't get a job, couldn't support myself, couldn't move out of my parents house - fear that my life was meaningless.

I talked to my Beloved about it, and she was a great help, but one person could only do so much and there are only so many hours in the day, especially when living in different hemispheres. I started avoiding . . . everything.
I was scared of the coldness, I was scared of the darkness, I was scared of the silence. And so, I spent my evenings watching YouTube videos, talking to my girlfriend and trying to wade out the darkness, but I couldn't sleep when it was dark, because that tension in my chest was also in the back of my neck, and it didn't go away until I could see sunlight, but then I slept through morning, woke up late afternoon and panicked as the sun went down that I was wasting my days.

It was a vicious cycle, and on the third night, I couldn't stand it. I felt so alone, so stuck, so hopeless . . . luckily for me, when the going gets tough, my solution is "the worse the problem, the more I'll do to repair it", this was my Godzilla Threshold, and so despite feeling like frozen elephant shit, I picked up the phone and called for help.
I can tell you the exact time, because my phone is an internet phone, and it records all ingoing and outgoing calls. On Wednesday the 17th of June, 11:28pm, I called 1300 22 4636. That's the number for BeyondBlue's 24hr support line; an Australian service where you can talk to a mental health professional and get advice on how to deal with any mental illness you happen to be suffering from.
I can't recommend it enough. It is not a counselling service or a crisis hotline, so if you want a counsellor, or you feel like hurting yourself, it's better to call LifeLine (on 13 11 14), I was at my lowest, but I know some people can get lower than that, so you might consider LifeLine first.
But either way, it was helpful, because I talked to the woman on the line, honestly, about what was going on, how I felt and what I thought the issue was. She helped me to calm down, kept me company for a good 26 minutes, and gave me a lot of information. I feel guilty that I don't remember her name, since she really helped me. She didn't cure me, but she gave me the steps to help myself. If you are feeling down and calling this line, it's amazingly informative, I just have one piece of advice, make sure you find a pen and paper.
It's not immediate, and you have time while the robo-receptionist puts you through to an operator (it takes about a minute), but the lady I spoke to gave me eight different resources I could use, and if you're calling because your mind is working against you, you definitely won't remember it all, so most definitely, pen and paper.

After that, I decided to try some self-help. I was still anxious, of course, and a bit resistant . . . oddly, just like how an animal survives by running from danger and seeking out food, mental illness seems to work the same. It festers by encouraging you to avoid help, and makes you do things that perpetuate it and allow it to grow (like make you sleep during the day, despite feeling anxious at night when it's cold and dark). So, I felt incredibly anxious about using any of this self-help stuff or calling a doctor, but I tried it out, starting with E-couch. E-couch is a website that offers information about self-help programs in an easy, step by step guide, that allows you to identify what's wrong and then offers ways to deal with it, and it is entirely free to register and use, and if you get distracted, or feel like you want to stop, you can go away and come back, and it saves your place for you.
I highly recommend this website, not just because it's so informative, but because it's honest, accurate and, well, it doesn't feel too clinical. The site is an initiative by the government and BeyondBlue to give the average, Australian citizen information about how to deal with their mental illnesses, from anxiety and depression to grief management and divorce/separation programs. And now, I say Australian, because this site has data about Australian mental illness statistics and it is funded by our government . . . but, my girlfriend suffers from anxiety and I wanted to share some of these tools with her, so I told her about it, and she registered to check it out for herself. So, it doesn't seem exclusive, and although I'd recommend you look for local programs, help is help so I'd recommend E-couch for anyone that wants to try to manage their mental illness alone.

But, as I said a few paragraphs ago, I'm going to the doctor soon. The reason is simple, both E-couch and the BeyondBlue support line made it clear, no amount of self-diagnosis, online support or personal remedies can equate to professional healthcare. Don't get me wrong! I'm not saying this stuff is useless, it's very useful. I feel better using these programs, and using that website's criteria, I actually managed my depression from "high risk" to "medium-low risk".
However, both this site and the lady on the phone told me that I should see a G.P. (i.e. general practitioner), as I seem to be suffering from severe, chronic anxiety, and I should get a diagnosis from a doctor, so that I can consider medication or counselling.

So, that's what I plan to do . . . and I figured I'd record what happens, and show it all here, including the path to getting better, hence the title "healing diary", I plan to document my recovery. See, while suffering from anxiety, I withdrew from everything, because it wasn't bringing me joy anymore, and that included writing - not because writing isn't fun, but because my mind wouldn't allow me to have fun, because it was busy being anxious. But because I wasn't writing, I got even more upset, it's a vicious cycle. So now, thanks to the help of E-couch, and the knowledge that I'll soon have a doctor working with me to handle my latest mental illness, I am perked up enough to write, but the only thing on my mind is the illness on my mind that's kept me from writing for so long.
So, I decided to go for full disclosure, and maybe help someone else to find help by documenting not only the process of getting better, but also a prologue as to how it started in the first place. I've been going through this for a week, but I've been a high risk patient for anxiety for a while, since not only do I rely on the company of others a lot, but I've suffered from depression in the past, and I have had some of the symptoms of anxiety even though I could manage them before. So although I've only suffered from anxiety for one week, it hit me like a point-blank cannonball, and I've been in bed, hidden away from the world, as though I were suffering from a physical disability, because that's what anxiety can do to you.
Anyway, it's a 30-minute walk to the G.P., and I have an hour, so I'm going to take 30 for lunch and then go see the G.P., when you next hear from me, I'll tell you how it all went, then we can talk about follow-up stuff.

. . .

Okay, I've just gone through that ordeal, but it was a lot more 'dramatic' than I expected, so my next blog post will explain what happened. Until then, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I suffer from anxiety; but hopefully, not for very much longer.

Speaking of Voices - 200!

Press Play [►] to hear Today's Blog Post

The opening statement of the 200th Absurd Word Nerd blogpost.



The Word of the Day: 'VOICE' . . .



A History of Oral Storytelling and Written Narrative.



A commentary on audiobooks, and their relationship with paperback novels.



Some social media is making it harder to communicate.



The closing statement of the 200th Absurd Word Nerd blogpost.

Parody Week 2: Map Hugger

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5 Things I Learned Because of Google Maps

DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, while there is still a lot of functionality in google's latest online mapping site, https://www.google.com.au/maps/, the original site at https://maps.google.com/maps had a few more functions which were . . . functional when I wrote this article (and took some of the related screenshots) in 2012. If I refer to something that no longer exists in the current Google Maps, you can still find some of them with the Wayback Machine (archive.org) and others using the separate Google Earth app (https://www.google.com/earth/). But, if not, I hope this article gives the information you need.

1. Foreign Languages Spread Like Butter

England was famous for having a crazy powerful Naval fleet back in the day, but it's not something I was conscious of until I turned off the "English" function, and played around in Europe [or, just zoomed in to see the local names under the Anglicized names]. We gave everyone else an Anglicized name, but that's not what they use to call themselves. But also, when you look at their proper names, you learn something interesting about language.
You can't see it, but in Australia, there were once over 3,000 languages. There were a lot of aboriginal tribes, but they didn't all talk the same language. They were in all over the place, spread out where they could survive and each tribe had their own language. Or sometimes more, some groups had languages you only used with your elders, and a separate one for teaching children, some had a specific language for your mother in law (I assume it had more swear words). Some tribes even had languages that you specifically WEREN'T allowed to learn until you earned respect - that's hardcore.
But when tribes spoke to each other, languages melded so that they could interact, so each seperate language would have shared "trade words" (like talking shop) so they could interact. So, why am I talking about this? Well, because it's not a purely Australian phenomenon - this fact of exchanging languages is evident all over the world.

Look at Japan, surrounded by China, they both have a similar form of writing. No, I'm not saying all Asian people talk the same. But look at it, you can see they were both inspired by the same idea when it came to the style of their written language, they obviously have similar roots. Then go look, and you see that next to it that a similar language style drifts left [West]. China is surrounded by Nepal, Pakistan and Kyrgyzstan & Mongolia.

And as you drift further from Japan, the lettering seems to become more and more like the Greek Alphabet that you and I use, until right near England itself.
Then, near Israel, you can see the peoples' language spreading through Africa.
Hopefully you can see what I mean. Language, or at least lettering, seems to spread around and seep into the surrounding cultures, a little bit like how butter seeps into hot toast.
okay, now who else wants toast?

2. Slovenia loves them some borders

When I was rolling around the map, my eye was caught by the sight of a little dot of grey on the screen. I wondered what that was about, so I zoomed into a little place called Slovenia. It is a mass of grey. what is that? Rivers? Roads? Did someone leave it in the sun, and let it crack? No, those grey lines are all borders. At a distance, that just looks like they opened a new coal mine, like THIS big. But up a little closer, you can see how many little municipalities, cities and just borders in general that this place has.

[Click to see Larger Image]

I wondered why, and so I looked it up on my good old friend Wikipedia. It turns out that AGES ago, like before Nintendo, a whole heap of people wanted to own Solvenia. See, first came the Carantanians, who brought with them Christianity. Then came the Franks, who cut the place up with their border dukes and the Feudal system. Then the isolated area had whole chunks cut off by the Magyars. Then the Holy Roman Empire divided it all up.

Then, they sort of sat and grew smaller and smaller, until the Hadsburgs took over. Then at the end of the Middle Ages, Turkish raiders ruined the economy, and then the revolting peasants destroyed the place (i.e I mean peasants who revolted, not revolting, smelly peasants. Although the two are not mutually exclusive).
Essentially the Ethnic Identity of Slovenia was in tatters, until the Protestant Reformation spread, and Slovenians began writing books, including translating the bible into their common tongue.
They eventually had a standardised language, until yet again getting screwed over by World War 1. They lost many people and a few Territories.

That was a pocket-sized version of their history, but the fact is Slovenia keeps getting kicked, cut, taken over, reformed and attacked by other, much BIGGER countries. The fact that it's till there is a testament to it's people. So all those grey dashes? They aren't borderlines. They are battlescars. And still, Slovenia is here today. Good on you, old Slovey.

If you have the time, I recommend checking out that history for yourself.

3. The Google Team are Insane. Like, a lot Insane.

First of all, I found out where google was. So I zoomed in to Amphitheatre Parkway, and I saw a guy with a sign saying "I'm Here". Pretty funny on it's own, I saw also that there were markers on the road, like barricades. I wondered why. Then I went a little further down, and saw all these people.

Apparently, this is the Google Development Team. They got sick of hanging around their offices, and when they scheduled the Google Street View car to come around, they made a day of it. Those crazy Google People . . .

But it didn't stop there. As I moved around, I realised there were a bunch of lines leading OFF the road. So I went off road too. At first I was weirded out that it was just a park. Until I realised that you could go between the buildings. The Google Team had mapped out the Googleplex. That sounds a lot more awesome than it is, firstly because of the word googolplex, but secondly because I soon realised how they did it . . .

Hello tricycle man! You know, it almost looks like they were testing out the Google Maps idea, by first implementing it on their own headquarters. Huh . . .
But if you still don't think Google is a little bit crazy, you obviously haven't tried to walk from Darwin to Washington D.C., because Google Maps has a pathfinding program to help people get directions. And it's pretty good, it'll even tell you how to walk from Darwin, Australia to Washington D.C. America. Everyone knows that the trick is to take a shortcut through Japan and Hawaii.

Yeah, it'll take 179 days, but it's possible, right? Oh, did I mention that you need to bring a kayak? Because that's kind of important . . .

[These days, this function has been removed. Perhaps people complained, because now when I ask to get from Darwin to Washington D.C. it says: Sorry, we could not calculate walking directions from "Darwin NT" to "Washington, DC, USA". I guess too many people didn't get the joke.]

4. The Earth  is a REALLY big ball.

Sure, a lot of people know the earth is a ball. But I'm not talking about the ball part (Because technically, it's an oblate spheroid . . . but I'm sure you knew that already) I'm talking about the BIG part. You notice this when you use the Google Earth function [Or, the Google Earth App (see disclaimer)]. Let's look at a nice place like New Zealand.

What a cute little country. Which looks a lot like Japan for reasons that the Japanese people refuse to explain. Now let's get closer . . .

okay, kinda normal. It looks a little weird near the edges, but let's get closer . . .
Wait, what is happening to Australia and Antarctica?

The closer you get, the more the other Countries start to slip off the edges.
Because the Earth is so big, even though it seems like a circle the whole time, the closer you get, the smaller your perspective of the Earth gets. And the horizon gets closer. See, that horizon you see out the window? The further you get from earth, the more it turns from a line, into a curve, into a circle.

It's something I always understood in theory, but thanks to Google Maps' Google Earth function, you can see it in action. It always makes me think of David Niven's Ringworld. The place is a ring, but it is so large that it just looks flat when you stand on it, you can't actually see the horizon as it rises up, you just see sky, and a large arch peering out of the blue. It's weird to think that not only can something be so SMALL that you can't see it, but so LARGE that you can't even perceive it all at once.
It's a pretty big concept.

5. Antarctica's Anus

If you use the Google Earth View and look at Antarctica, you may notice a lot of lines. A lot of long lines that converge into one point, which at first I thought was the South Pole.

But those aren't the leylines leading to Santa's Workshop; rather, they are evidence of the fundamental flaw of map design.
Look at Antarctica in Satellite View, while keeping in mind that the long line at the bottom is just one place, and not a big one, it is a philosophical place, in essence so small that it doesn't exist, it is miniscule, and yet that long line, as long as the equator mind you, represents it. This kind of map view is known as the Mercator projection.The Mercator Map draws the whole world flat, turning longitudinal and latitudinal lines from a net into a grid, but when you do this, it stretches out the top and the bottom from a dot into a line.

While this completely warps Antarctica beyond recognition now, it didn't matter in the old days, because no one went to Antarctica. It was like telling your kids that there were monsters that came out at night to stop them from wandering alone. It was too hard to explain the paedophiles out there, so we lie about it to make it easier. And that is what this map is. It is a bogeyman. We tell people that Antarctica is this giant spread out line, to hide the true that it is, in fact, a giant ice sting-ray.

See, when you draw a map, we draw it flat, and in essence we press and mould the world around to suit our own ends. The problem with that is that the Earth is not flat (despite what morons say). So, when we roll that same flat map up into a ball, we have to squish that useless line into one point, effectively forming a little anus in Antarctica, which creates the bullshit message that the Mercator Projection of the World Map makes sense, when really it's completely, off-the-charts wrong.
But, then again, when it comes to two-dimensional map projection, it's one of the best we've got.