My Abandoned Writing Projects (Pt. 1)

When discussing failure, it provides an interesting opportunity for self-reflection. I am not really the sort of person to regret, since I'm proud of who I am, and most of the events in my life - even the ones which didn't go as planned - have helped to shape me into the person that I am today. However, there are some things that I've failed at which I wish had succeeded, or some opportunities that I missed whose alternative outcomes I wish I knew. But, a lot of those are minor and not really interesting unless you're me. So, I figured I'd talk about something most people can understand - stories.

I'm a writer, and so I have come up with... too many stories over my career as a writer. But, even when these stories fail, I usually hang onto them, so I can cannibalize ideas for later stories. So, even though I can't always write stories the way I originally planned them, they still will turn up on a page somewhere, somehow. Maybe that dumb protagonist idea can show up as a funny background character, maybe that thin "magic key" plot could be put into a larger story, where it doesn't outstay it's welcome & maybe that line of dialogue makes more sense from a villain character. So, I try to reuse & recycle ideas as much as I can...
But not always.

There are some stories - some concepts - that I come up with that I cannot write, and today I'm going to list them for you. There's various reasons why I can't write these. If you're a writer or storyteller of any stripe, and you're looking for ideas, feel free to use any of these as you wish, as I would be impressed by anyone that can write these stories. If I list a story here, it is because I cannot write it, but I would like to see it written - and for the sake of legal purposes, I want to formally state that I am not seeking any kind of trademark/copyright or monetary/intellectual property rights or any of that if you do happen to use these ideas. Whilst these are "my" ideas, they are just ideas, if you put the work in to actually write it, it's your story. All I'd ever want in return is, if asked, that you tell people where you got your idea or inspiration (i.e. from me) - nothing more.

With that out of the way, here are some story ideas which I tried, and failed, to write. (Note: most of the following titles are "working titles").

THE A.W.N.'S TOP 10 STORIES I CAN'T WRITE (10-6)

10. MONSTER
This idea is a bit weird, since it's part of an idea I don't want to talk about... okay, basically, I am working on a YA Horror novella series. I don't want to get into details, but basically it's set in Australia, and based around characters dealing with supernatural monsters. I liked the idea of the series, and using it to explore a lot of ideas, and one idea I liked is writing a full-length story, since I've only ever written short stories, and novella-length stories. So, I decided to have a special story, set in the same universe, but novel-length. I came up with this idea when I was younger, and the series was less lovecraftian, and I was intrigued by the term "monster". I wanted to develop what a monster was, in more ways than one. The idea of this story was about a kid whose mother died, and his father started dating a younger woman, and the kid is super angsty about it. Not long after, he discovers a strange egg which hatches to reveal a monster which he decides to hide from his family, but as the monster grows bigger and stronger, he starts to lose control of it. The basic idea was that this monster was actually a part of him, and a metaphor for his own anger, angst, hatred and feelings of inadequacy, so as he grows more stressed, the monster grows more dangerous. The story was meant to be all about this theme of the real monster being the anger within.
Unwritten because: It was a bad story. Full disclosure, this story was almost entirely inspired by "Beast" by Ally Kennen, a novel about a kid who takes care of a crocodile from a little egg, until it grows so big, it wants to eat him. I read the book, it was well-written, but I was annoyed that a story called "beast" wasn't actually about a beast. Like, I guess technically a crocodile is a beast, but I was imagining a grisly, fantastical monster, not something you can see at a zoo. But also, as a kid, I was aspirational towards those books written with drama and angst and intrigue, because it felt like that was "proper writing". As I grew up I realized, no, I still find that kind of thing boring, so wanting to write a story where a kid is angsty about dumb teen stuff, which develops into a monster, that's just kind of lame. Now, you might be saying "Great, you tell budding writers they can use these ideas, yet you present ideas that you think are crap. Do you genuinely want to see someone try to write this?" well, yes. Admittedly, there's a reason this is the lowest item on the list, but this idea has potential. Firstly, I'd think the kid's situation should be much more tragic, and the plot needs to be better developed. But more importantly, what inspires me is the title: "Monster". With a story called monster, it must be 'about' monsters, and that alone is pretty inspiring to me. What even is a monster? When I say 'monster' what do you picture? Is it a scaly creature with teeth, or is it a furry beast, or something else - feathers? Blubber? Is it small and ugly, or enormous and dangerous? Is it more human and intelligent, or more wild and animalistic? Is it new, young, perhaps a prototype, or is it old, ancient, perhaps mystical? Monster is a broad concept, yet it's particular, so much is and isn't a monster. I guess the real question is... what's a monster, to you?

09. URBAN SECTOR
The idea here was pretty simple. I like the idea of sitcoms, but I usually find it hard to engage with them for more than a few episodes, since they're living boring, ordinary lives - who cares when they resolve their personal drama, if it means we return to status quo? So I figured... if you set a sitcom in a sci-fi story, it would make it much more interesting. And I think living on a starship sounds fun, and this kind of gives the opportunity to play around with that. So, I had this idea for a trio of guys who live on a Starship that transports cargo between different human settlements around the solar system. I wrote the outline for the first episode that introduces Craig, a bit of a schlub (and alcoholic) who once helped design robots in a factory, but ironically lost his job (because robots took his job); so now he's a homeless drunk, and kind of pathetic (in a funny way). Then, there's Wax, an alien, who is homeless because he is an alien (actually half-alien, but doesn't like to talk about it), and faces a lot of covert discrimination, since Earth is quite xenophobic. I figured Wax stands up like a human, but looks like a mix between an axolotl and a squid, and he's blue; he doesn't have any weird powers, he just looks weird, but he's actually a regular guy. Then there's Luthor, the ship's navigator, and a gay man, and whilst he doesn't face any discrimination, he struggles to have a personal life since whenever their ship stops, they recieve their next destination and he has to spend all his time plotting their next course, and nobody else on the ship is gay or single, so he basically doesn't get any time to himself.
The idea for the pilot was that after introducing each character in a small vignette, explaining who they are, the starship docks on Earth, to unload cargo for several hours, so the rookie pilot goes planetside for some drinks to celebrate a successful first run; Craig finds the sucker, and convinces him to "party" with him (on the pilot's dime), and results in him drinking himself into a catatonic state; this delays the ship's plans, even after Luthor has plotted their new course, so he finally gets a chance to go planetside, where he meets Wax, and they eventually encounter the man that got their pilot drunk who becomes fast friends with Wax because, as a roboticist, he is used to interacting with non-humans, and whilst he doesn't approve of the means, Luthor appreciates that he got a chance to finally socialize with someone new. After some shenanigans and coincidences, Luthor has to go back onboard the ship, so he invites Craig and Wax to be his roommates.
Because Luthor basically doesn't work whilst the ship is in transit, it meant the story would mostly follow these three socializing, getting into drunken hijinks, dealing with prejudices with Wax, looking for love, and occasionally getting into sci-fi shenanigans due to the various anomalous or secret cargoes and passengers they have to transport.
Unwritten because: Well, a few reasons. Firstly, I originally planned this as an animation (back when I was unemployed), and I attempted to create this in Macromedia Flash... and I learned very quickly that single-handedly animating anything longer than 15 seconds is an absolute ball-ache. Also, as much as I like these characters and the concept, I am not a sitcom writer. I have come to realize that whilst I can enjoy reading character archs and interpersonal drama, I do not like writing it. I came up with some ideas for plots, like Luthor coming out of the closet to his new friends; Craig activating a robot that joins the cast; a fun romance with Luthor getting into a long-distance relationship with a guy that's scared of Wax; Craig trying to woo the ship's second-in-command & even some plot about a brewing alien war... but I just struggle to write stories that are entirely character-focussed. Characters should usually drive the plot, and I love writing dialogue where characters discuss the plot, but when the characters are the plot, I don't enjoy writing it (even when I enjoy watching it).
I am still very interested in writing science-fiction, so I haven't told you everything about this (there's a couple of plotlines and ideas I'll gladly cannibalize and Frankenstein into other stories, especially the alien war stuff) but at this point in time, I don't think I'll ever attempt anything remotely sit-com-like again.

08. CROOKED O'HARE
I love a good murder mystery, but they're surprisingly hard to find. Even though they were once incredibly popular, they seem to have vanished. So, I've been interested in writing a murder mystery for a long time. And I don't mean an occult detective or a crime story about a detective, I mean a proper Fairplay Mystery, where the reader can solve the puzzle alongside the detective. That's half the fun of a murder mystery. The other half is the detective themself, a character that is interesting, or has some key gimmick, that guides the story along. So, I had this idea of a detective called "Jack O'Hare", an whose gimmick was that he was a criminal. An Irish gangster who moved to New York in the early 1900s, after he gets framed for the murder of his own gang-leader, he's forced to solve the crime, and when he realizes the killer is his own best friend - meaning that he's going to be killed by the surviving members of his old gang - well it inspires Jack to go straight. So, the gimmick is, he's an ex-gangster, a ruffian and a thief, who spent most of his life being a criminal. So he knows how they think, he has connections in the underworld and now he's become a "good guy". I had this whole idea of him having a love interest - a Catholic, Hispanic girl - that did love him, but rejected him for his criminal, sinful ways; so, there would be this subplot about him trying to convince her that this isn't a scam or a con, he's actually going "legit". However, he does occasionally bend the rules to solve his crimes. Breaking and entering, roughing up suspects, stealing clues... that kind of thing, and he'd have an antagonistic relationship with a particularly by-the-book policeman. And I did have some plans for several stories in the series... about five. I had a closed-circle mystery set in a prison after that policeman caught him on trumped up charges of assault, when someone dies in a prison riot; a mystery where some drug addicted prostitute gets killed, so the police don't care enough to investigate; a mystery at a mansion where he arrived uninvited, and as an ex-con, people assume he's the killer, so again he has to clear his name... a few fun ideas. But, I never did write it...
Unwritten because: A few reasons. Firstly, 1900s? What the hell was I thinking?! I know almost nothing about the 1900s, I was just inspired because that's the classic "noir crime" era and several thinkpieces about "the decline of murder mystery" had convinced me that modern technology made murder mysteries harder to write... this is all nonsense by the way, modern technology doesn't change the murder mystery formula, unless you're a lazy writer and setting a story in a certain time period "for the vibe" is stupid. Now, I did try to revamp this story for a more modern era, something I could write without having to do a butt-tonne of research... but when I removed these characters from the early 1900s, their "classic" noir style washed off, and revealed them for the stereotypes they were. Irish gangster? Hot Catholic Hispanic floozy? By-the-book policeman with a moustache and a superiority complex? These weren't characters, they were caricatures. The real nail in the coffin? My inspiration, my gimmick, that made O'Hare feel so original? The idea that he was a "criminal-turned-detective"? Not only is that not original, it's the LEAST original detective concept in the world... one of the first ever icons of modern criminal investigation (and I'm talking in real life, not in fiction), who first profiled criminals, collected clues & started the whole concept of "detective work" was a man called Eugène-François Vidocq, a Frenchman who was a criminal-turned-criminalist from the 1800s. It turns out, after several years on the run, he witnessed a childhood friend of his César Herbaux, with whom he'd committed several crimes, being executed, and this inspired him to turn away from a life of crime - seriously?! Even my own character's turnaround was unoriginal! Vidocq had no other skills except committing crime, but he realized those skills could be used for good, to capture criminals. And it's not just art imitating life, but life inspiring art - Vidocq inspired several of the earliest "detectives" in fiction, including: Alexandre Dumas' "Monsieur Jackal"; Émile Gaboriau's "Monsieur Lecoq", who in turn inspired Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's "Sherlock Holmes"; Edgar Allan Poe's "C. Auguste Dupin". So, in the end, I figured my story would require too much research; would take a lot of effort to polish up the stereotypes into three-dimensional characters & relied on an unoriginal premise.
Now, I've not given up on murder mysteries - far from it, I still have murder mystery story ideas I want to write - but, not with this detective, not this concept. I am not prepared to write a period piece, I don't find that kind of thing interesting, And if tried to adapt it to the modern era, I don't think I could do the story justice.

07. THE OTHER NEIGHBOURS
I still kind of like the title for this one... I might use it for something else. I even know the inspiration behind this one, because it's right there in the title... I live in the suburbs, and here everyone has neighbours, people whose homes are near theirs. But, if you're taking a stricter definition, a neighbour is someone next to you, meaning your neighbours are the ones you share a fence with. By this logic, most homes you should have three "neighbours". There's neighbouring homes to the left and the right, and one behind. I don't know if there's a special term for these, but I call them my "other neighbours", and the idea of this story was taking that concept to the extreme. See, I can talk to my left-and-right neighbours, if I want to know who they are, I can talk to them. But, if I want to know about my other neighbours, I'd need to put in more effort. And, I wanted to take the idea of "strangers in your neighbourhood" to the extreme.
So, this story was about a kid called Toby that became curious about his other neighbours. They had a tall mansion-like property, and the kid sees only one light on in their window at night, and hears strange bird-calls and jungle-like animal sounds. There's hedges all around, and he's never seen or heard a single person on the other side of the fence. So, one day, he pretends to throw his ball over the fence, to have a flimsy excuse to jump the fence and learn more about his neighbours. The story was about him encountering fantastical things on the other side of the fence. There would be a dog that was part-monster, and the size of a small car; a talking tropical bird called Clark; a cranky, old sleeping ghost; a squid trapped in a broken water heater; a room full of living instruments; a swarm of hyper-intelligent mice; a nature-spirit turned into a house-cleaner & a mischievous, talking monkey. I think it's a fun, quirky little story. I came up with the idea by designing the house first, and placing all of the weird neighbours all around it - the idea would be, the kid would meet the bird that would warn him about the dog, then he'd see the monkey, which would try to trick him into unlocking his cage by sending him to talk to the house-cleaner. So, then I tried writing the story, but when I got to a part where the kid could either go upstairs to the bedrooms, or downstairs to the basement, I didn't know which way to go. See, I was a young writer, and I had failed to give Toby a character, so he had no reason beyond 'the plot says so' to enter the house, let alone explore rooms. And it was then that I realized, I'd created a series of encounters inside rooms, most hidden behind doors, which often involve a young boy dealing with a magical puzzle, or encountering a creature sending him on a fetch quest - I'd accidentally written a videogame! So, hey, what if I turned this idea into a videogame.
Unwritten because: It turns out, videogames are supposed to be fun. I actually tried to create this game, twice, the first time was in Adventure Game Studio, a free "point-and-click" game maker and engine, but the coding was much too difficult for me to figure out, and I shelved the project, with dreams of one day finding someone who could create the game for me. Much later, I came across GameMaker Studio 2, a game creator tool which was much more intuitive to the non-coding mind. Now, this was a year or two ago, so I was much older; I adapted the story to add more horror elements, designed the levels - I even drew the whole first level, and created the character. But, after playing around with the character for a little bit, I realized... this game isn't fun. Sure, the story was more interesting, but a good videogame consists of gameplay, story and challenge. I had story, but there was no challenge: most of the puzzles I'd originally come up with were just fetch quests; and there was nothing good about the gameplay: walk around, talk to people and pick stuff up was kind of the start and end of the whole game. And because I had rewritten the story, the original plot (discovering that the swarm of mice was the wizard who originally owned the house, and bringing them back) was kind of lame, and I couldn't come up with a good reason why this whole thing had happened in the first place.
I still do like both concepts - I like the cutesy, "kid's book" feel of that original story, a kid encountering weird animals in a suburban home; and I also really like the horrific dark fantasy concept, with a teenager entering a cursed mansion. But, until I can learn how to make a videogame 'fun', I'm going to leave game creation to game creators. And whilst I'm still holding onto that setting and some of the characters and monsters from the horrific re-write of this story, I won't try rewriting The Other Neighbours for a third time (or would this be the fourth?). But damn, I still like that title... it still inspires cool ideas.

06. OTHERWORLD
This one is actually quite old, but the idea is very, very simple... geofiction. Also known as conworlding, geofiction is the basic idea of developing a real maps for fake places... "creating fictional geography", basically. See, a long while ago I created my own world, which I called Otherworld. The basic idea here was that I wanted to create stories which I was going to set on this artificial world I made. I was inspired by discworld's use of an alternate world to come up with interesting concepts and play with fun tropes, but instead of comedy and fantasy parody, I was interested in sci-fi homage and satire (I think... I'm not actually sure, but I wanted it to be kind of funny). The main intrigue of this planet was that there was a big hole in it, right through the poles, which affected sea, weather, culture and geography across the planet... in retrospect, that doesn't make any sense scientifically, since the world would probably have to collapse back into a spherical shape, but that was my idea, alright? I was young...
I had a series of stories based around the peculiarities of this world. The first story, with the working title "Weather Forecast" was originally set in Gorsenia, a country with crazy weather (because it was so close to the hole in the planet), so they developed the most advanced weather forcasting technology, only to realize it was so advanced, that by entering the right data, it could be used to predict the future. Another story, Firestorm, was about the king of Curland (a Pan-Asian Mishmash) leaving his throne to walk the country, and learn more about the lives of his citizenry, resulting in a political storm as several miscreants, both foreign and domestic, try to take advantage of the King's absence, only for a literal Firestorm to cause countrywide turmoil that only the king can resolve. There was another one about a scientist on the gothic, technologically advanced continent of Styriose creating artificial consciousness in a robot slave; and a story just called "The Hole Story" where several characters from Uranika (a cross between Eastern Europe and America) encounter the aliens responsible for blasting a hole in their planet... And there were several other ideas like different technology used to deal with the peculiar issues of each continent, and unusual terminology, since whilst these people basically spoke English, their cultural differences meant they used different words for some things.
Unwritten because: Honestly, it was too much work. I attempted to write the first chapter of the first story, set on Gorsenia, and since I was a young writer, I thought I'd start with my character waking up and going to work. But, even that scene was incredibly difficult, since I wanted him to be awoken by his alarm clock... but then I realized, would this world have alarm clocks? Also, how do they tell time? Does this world have a 24 hour day? And he's going to work, this must be a workday, but does this world have a weekend? Do they even have a 7 day week? I guess it depends on the time of year, but what kind of calendar does this world use? Would they base their seasons on the harvest, like many cultures have, or would they base them off some other yearly milestones. I did manage to come up with a 25-hour day, segmented into 5-hour quintants, skipping the whole calendar question, but even then, he got out of bed, and I realized... I had no idea what he would wear. I wanted to have weird creatures on this planet, not regular animals, so there weren't sheep, so what would their clothing be made of, if not wool and leather?
Okay, I'll worry about that later. So, he goes downstairs and eats breakfast... wait, what the hell would these people eat for breakfast? I just established that we don't have normal animals. Damn it!
I tried to skip ahead, and came up with some fun ideas, like there being subways to take people around the country, and a postman being this talented runner, since the terrible weather would make wheeled vehicles unreliable... but then I realized postmen wouldn't be the only people who couldn't use vehicles. How could a city work without vehicles... and wait, if it rained so much, wouldn't the trains also struggle due to the weather?
Basically, I realized that I'd walked into fractal writer's block, since any attempt to bypass a difficult section of research was just putting me face-to-face with another one. And if I tried to skip ahead, I'd just create problems that I'd either need to retcon, or ignore in the future.
This is not to say that geofiction, conworlding, or stories set on alien, fictional worlds are impossible, of course they're not. But, if I was going to create a story for one, it would need to be for a better reason than "drawing maps is fun", since I already drew the map and had fun, but when I tried to develop the world... I didn't. I'm not against doing something like this again, but I'd need to find some way to make the development much easier.

- - -

This blog post is getting a bit long, so I'm going to hit pause right here... but we'll continue this in tomorrow's post. I hope you're enjoying this, and let me know, do you have any story ideas that you've abandoned? You don't need to share them with the world like me, but since going through my old catalogue of Story Stuff, and finding my abandoned projects, I'm fascinated by the concept, so please let me know in the comments below.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, these are just a few of my abandoned ideas... and I'll see you tomorrow to share some more.

Skepticism 102: How to Argue Wrong

You don't know how to argue properly.

That's not just directed at you, but also most people you know... most people you don't know, and even me. It's a fundamental flaw of humanity that we tend not to know how to present a convincing argument. The reason why, well, I covered that in Part 1 of this retrospectively titled Student Skeptic series, please read that if you haven't, as it is a prerequisite reading for this continuing lesson.

Now, I recognize that "argument" is a bit of a loaded word, since an argument can be a reasonable presentation of ideas... and it can also be a shouting match between two people. I looked up the meaning in the dictionary, and apparently this has always been the case. Whilst "argue" comes from the Latin "arguere" meaning the act of proving, reasoning or (literally) illuminating, it could also be used to mean blaming, indicting or accusing, and one dictionary claimed it was frequentatively used to mean babble or chatter. So, it's always had this antagonistic, perhaps even dismissive aspect.
That could be because the word is flawed, or it could be indicative of just how poor humans are at arguing that the definition of "presenting evidence" is tainted with accusation, but that's pure speculation on my part, I'm not an etymologist...

It's part of the reason why, I don't actually like the word "argument", I prefer "debate", since debate is a formal, public discussion of a question or subject, so as to discuss opposing views. Even an unstructured debate is, in principle at least, more open to opposing views. But, it's flawed, since debates are usually an open forum... so, for the sake of clarity, let's call a spade a spade, and I'll be using the word "argument" for any form of disagreement, be it debate or debacle.

See, the fundamental flaw with arguing is two-fold. Firstly, when we argue we tend to rely on things which are, to put it lightly, completely irrelevant. Our mood at the time, our flawed understanding, the status of ourselves or our opponents. Human social interaction is fraught with extraneous details. This is a beautiful thing, the many layers of empathy, experience, expression and emotion... but when it comes to matters of fact and basis in reality, truth can get lost in the shuffle.
If you want to argue why a particular position is right, or true, you really ought to focus on the proven facts of the case at hand.
Secondly, arguing is fundamentally flawed because... well, people are convinced by bad arguments. As I said, human social interaction is multi-faceted, and although it makes no sense to fall for an argument because someone says "Of course the Moon is made of cheese, what are you, stupid?", but humans can be nonsensical sometimes.

So, I think that's the first thing you need to understand with this lesson. Whilst I am here to teach you about the flaws in argument, so that you can have a better means of identifying truth, that doesn't mean you're going to become some irrefutable debatant. We're not here to convince the unwashed masses... I'm here to teach you how to be less wrong, and that means teaching you not only how to present your position, but also how to be receptive when someone else presents a better position.
Yes, I recognize I'm basically teaching you how to argue with yourself, but it's a useful skill when you're trying to find out what is most likely true, and what is most likely false.

Now, I find that the best way to teach you how to argue well is to show you how not to argue, and go from there. First thing first, when making your case, you should try to avoid fallacy. What is Fallacy? Well, I'm glad you asked because The Word of the Day is: FALLACY

Fallacy /falləsee/ n. 1. A deceptive, misleading, or false notion, belief, etc.: That the world is flat was at one time a popular fallacy. 2. A misleading or unsound argument. 3. Deceptive, misleading, or false nature; erroneousness. 4. Logic. Any of various types of erroneous reasoning that render arguments logically unsound. 5. Obsolete. Deception.

Since we're talking about skepticism and argumentation, the most relevant of these definitions is "4.", the definition in regards to logic. That said, the main definitions are also accurate—as all fallacy is misleading, deceptive or false; it's ultimately a failure of reason.
There are many ways to reason incorrectly, but for ease of understanding, many of them have actually been identified and named. The following list is intended to be comprehensive, and if you see where it is lacking, please let me know, but this list may be incomplete. Many fallacies are known by their Latin names, because philosophers are nerds, but I will list them by their English name...

A COMPREHENSIVE* LIST OF FALLACIES

Anecdotal Evidence: trying to use a personal or isolated event as proof for a general or widespread claim.
(Latin: "mea historia"; also known as "unscientific evidence" or a "nonrepresentative sample")

Appeal to Ambiguity: using words with unclear or indefinite meanings to try to prove one's claim.
(Latin: "argumentum ad ambiguitas" - note: This fallacy refers to many forms of imprecise language, but includes more specific instances, such as: Amphiboly [or Syntactic Ambiguity], Continuum Fallacy [or Fallacy of the Beard, related: Loki's Wager], Equivocation [or Lying by Omission], Etymological Fallacy, Insinuation [or Innuendo], Intensional Fallacy, Misleading Accent [Latin: "accentus"], Motte-and-Bailey Fallacy [or Debate and Switch], Polysemy, Principle of Explosion [Latin: "ex falso quodlibet"] & Reification [or Fallacy of Misplaced Concreteness])

Appeal to Authority: claiming that the celebrity or intellect of a claimant alone is enough to substantiate a claim.
(Latin: "argumentum ad auctoritum" or "argumentum ad verecundium"; also known as "argument from authority" or "false attribution"; related to the "courtier's reply")

Appeal to Character: attacking an opponent's character or personal traits, as proof against their claims.
(Latin: "argumentum ad hominem"; also known as a "personal attack" - note: This fallacy refers to many forms of character denigration, but includes more specific instances, such as: Appeal to Motive, Poisoning the Well, Tone Policing & the Traitorous Critic Fallacy [Latin: "ergo decedo"] - see also Genetic Fallacy)

Appeal to Emotion: trying to convince through feeling, instead of a valid argumentation.
(Latin: "argumentum ad adfectum" or "argumentum ad passiones" - note: This fallacy refers to many forms of emotional reasoning, but includes more specific instances, such as: Appeal to Anxiety [or Think of the Children], Appeal to Flattery, Appeal to Guilt , Appeal to Hope [or Wishful Thinking], Appeal to Pity [or the Galileo Argument], Appeal to Rage [or Appeal to Justice] & Appeal to Spite -)

Appeal to Frustration: presenting several claims or comments, overwhelming one's opponent, rather than allowing them to focus on a single debate topic.
(Latin: "argumentum ad nauseum"; also known as "filibuster" or the "gish gallop")

Appeal to Hypocrisy: responding to criticism by claiming one's opponent is also guilty.
(Latin: "tu quoque"; also known as "whataboutism" or the "you too defence")

Appeal to Incredulity: claiming a claim is wrong because it is difficult for you to understand.
(Latin: "argumentum ad incredulitas"; also known as "argument from ignorance", "appeal to common sense", the "divine fallacy", the "moralistic fallacy" or the "psychologist's fallacy")

Appeal to Moderation: assuming that a compromise between opposing viewpoints is the most valid or fair.
(Latin: "argumentum ad moderatio"; also known as "false compromise" or "fallacy of the mean". )

Appeal to Nature: arguing that something is good, ideal, just, true or valid because it is natural.
(Latin: "argumentum ad naturam"; also known as "look at the trees")

Appeal to Popularity: claiming something is true, or valid, because it is common, popular or widespread.
(Latin: "argumentum ad populum"; also known as "bandwagon fallacy" - note: This fallacy refers to many forms of preferential popularity, but includes more specific instances, such as: Appeal to Commonality [Latin "ad numeram"], Appeal to Novelty [Latin: "ad novitam"] & Appeal to Tradition [Latin: "ad antiquitatem"])

Appeal to Possibility: Claiming that something is probable, because it is possible.
(Latin: "possibiliter ergo probabiliter"; also known as "appeal to probability" - see also Slippery Slope)

Appeal to Purity: claiming that a valid criticism only applies to invalid forms of one's claim. (Latin: "argumentum ad puritas"; also known as "no true scotsman" - see also Special Pleading)

Appeal to Repetition: repeating the same claim over and over, wearing down an opponent's patience or stamina, rather than logic.
(Latin: "argumentum ad infinitum"; also known as "going in circles" or "proof by assertion" - see also Appeal to Incredulity)

Appeal to Ridicule: asserting that because a claim is counter-intuitive, unusual or humorous, it is invalid.
(Latin: "argumentum ad absurdo" or "argumentum ad lapidum"; also known as "appeal to mockery", "appeal to the stone" or "the horse laugh")

Appeal to Violence: threatening harm to your opponent, to convince them to your claims, rather than logic.
(Latin: "argumentum ad baculum"; also known as "appeal to force" or "argument from the stick")

Bare Assertion: a claim presented without support, evidence or reason; or an opinion expressed as though it were a fact.
(Latin: "ipse dixit")

Begging the Question: a claim whose premises assert the conclusion, rather than support it.
(Latin: "petitio principii"; also known as "assuming the conclusion"; related to "Kafkatrapping" - see also Circular Reasoning)

Burden of Disproof: asserting that an unsubstantiated claim is true, until it has been disproven.
(Latin: "onus probandi"; also known as "russell's teapot" or "shifting the burden of proof")

Causal Fallacy: asserting or assuming the cause for an effect, without proof of causality.
(Latin: "non causa pro causa" - note: This fallacy refers to many forms of causal misattribution, but includes more specific instances, such as: Causal Reductionism [or Fallacy of the Single Cause], Gambler's Fallacy [or the Monte Carlo Problem], Magical Thinking, One-Way Causality [or Ignoring Bidirectional Causation], Regression Fallacy [or the Historical Fallacy] Reverse Causality [or Wrong Direction], Spurious Correlation [Latin: "post hoc ergo propter hoc"] & Third-Cause Fallacy [or Ignoring a Common Cause])

Circular Reasoning: making a claim which includes its unproven conclusion within its own premise.
(Latin: "circulus in probandi"; also known as a "round argument")

Composition Fallacy: claiming that a quality of one part must be equally shared by the whole.
(Latin: "totum pro parte" or "modo hoc"; also known as "false conjunction" or the "package-deal fallacy" - see also Division Fallacy)

Division Fallacy: claiming that a quality of the whole must be equally shared by one part.
(Latin: "pars pro toto"; also known as "ecological fallacy" - see also Composition Fallacy)

Fallacy Fallacy: assuming that a claim is wrong because it's claimant used a fallacy.
(Latin: "argumentum ad logicam"; also known as "argument from fallacy" - see also Genetic Fallacy)

False Dichotomy: claiming that just two (or very few) options exist, ignoring other, valid options.
(Latin: "falsus dilemma"; also known as "black-and-white thinking", the "nirvana fallacy" or the "perfect solution fallacy"; related to "false analogy")

Formal Fallacy: When the conclusion of a claim does not logically follow from the premises.
(Latin: "non sequitur" - note: This fallacy refers to many forms of illogical structure, but includes more specific instances, such as: Affirming the Consequent, Denying the Antecedent, Affirming a Disjunct, Denying a Conjunct, Fallacy of Exclusive Premises, Fallacy of Four Terms, Fallacy of Necessity, Illicit Commutativity, Illicit Major, Illicit Minor, Affirmative Conclusion from Negative Premises, Negative Conclusion from Affirmative Premises & Fallacy of the Undistributed Middle)

Genetic Fallacy: assuming that a claim is wrong because of the nature of its origins, motive, or claimant.
(Latin: "argumentum ab originis"; also known as "association fallacy", "guilt by association" or "honour by association" - note: This fallacy refers to many forms of categorical dismissal, but includes more specific instances, such as: Appeal to the Purse [Latin: "argumentum ad crumenam"], Bulverism [or Psychogenetic Fallacy], False Equivalence [or Comparing Apples and Oranges] & Playing the Nazi Card [Latin: "reductio ad hitlerum"])

Incomplete Evidence: presenting data that supports one's claim, whilst ignoring data which disputes it.
(Latin: "malum specimen"; also known as "cherry-picking", "base rate neglect", "false-positive paradox", "hasty generalization", "incomplete comparison", "prosecutor's fallacy", "proving too much", the "quantitative fallacy", "suppressed evidence" or the "texas sharpshooter fallacy" - see also Special Pleading)

Irrelevant Conclusion: presenting a counter-claim that is valid and logically sound, but irrelevant to the proponent's claims.
(Latin: "ignoratio elenchi"; also known as "missing the point" or a "red herring" - see also Strawman Argument)

Loaded Question: asking a question which has assumption or bias implicit in its phrasing, or a question which outright makes two claims, whilst purporting to make one.
(Latin: "plurium interrogationum" or "ducens inquisitum"; also known as "biased question", the "conjunction fallacy" [or the "Linda problem"] or a "double-barrelled question")

Slippery Slope: claiming that a harmless/neutral position is invalid, as it might lead to something worse.
(Latin: "ignota consequentia"; also known as "appeal to consequences"; related to "jumping to conclusions")

Special Pleading: dismissing valid criticism by claiming one's position is uniquely immune to it.
(Latin: "argumentum ad immunitas"; also known as "double-standard", "nut-picking", "shifting the goalposts" or "survivorship bias")

Strawman Argument: misrepresenting an opponent's position as a weaker claim instead, so it's easier to dismiss.
(Latin: "argumentum ad effigia" - note: This fallacy refers to many forms of claim amelioration, but includes more specific instances, such as: Persuasive Definition & Quoting Out-of-Context [or Quote Mining, also a Contextotomy])

As you can see, there are dozens of fallacies, and they are all fallacious in their own particular ways. When arguing logically, or trying to understand the truth of a claim, you must avoid using these if you wish to have a valid argument.
Now, this alone does not guarantee that a statement is false - there is after all the "Fallacy Fallacy", just because an argument is unsound doesn't mean the statement being made is wrong:
     "Of course the Earth isn't flat, what are you, stupid?" (appeal to character)
     "It's a bad idea to run with scissors, because Mummy told me so." (appeal to authority)
     "If you keep calling homosexuals 'unnatural', I'll punch you in the face." (appeal to violence)
These claims here are all accurate... but the arguments being used to prove them (or, silence dissent) aren't truly reasonable. That doesn't mean these claims are false — far from it — but it means the arguments have failed, and that's an important distinction.

If you avoid these fallacies, that should greatly improve your ability to reason, and argue your position... but that said, how do you argue well?
You might want to look into propositional calculus, and logical axioms, but at the end of the day, there's only two good ways to argue:

1. If you're arguing Fact (truth, reality and the way things are — describing how things are), then you must present evidence that what you're claiming comports with reality.
2. If you're arguing Opinion (values, morals or things you prefer — prescribing how you believe things should be), then you should establish some common belief, opinion, want or need between you and your opponent (or the target of your opinion; be that an individual, a community, or humanity as a whole), and from there, use exemplary evidence to convince others of your preference.
   

So, evidence... yeah, that's kind of it. There's also reason and logic, and when you're arguing prescriptively, it gets more complicated and requires a better understanding of logic... but it's still all about facts and proveable concepts.

In a way, it's surprising that it's so easy, since all you need to do is stop wasting time with the other stuff, but that's also what makes it complicated. Human beings are biased, emotional, messy things... I think I've said that three times now, but it's true. For a lot of us, we've already been convinced of things because of fallacy. Just think about the number of things that teachers, parents and peers taught you, and their reason was "if you don't, you'll be punished" or "do it because I told you to" or "do it, come on, we're all doing it"...
It is true, to err is human, and that is especially true of reason. Humans don't know how to argue properly. And even when you do, you may find yourself unable to convince others.

But, that's why argument and debate isn't really the point of this post... if you want to use this to engage in argument in an open forum, I whole-heartedly support you (Good Luck!). But, as far as I'm concerned, an understanding of fallacy is a necessary element of introspection, self-skepticism and personal truth-seeking.
It sounds silly, but I want you to argue with yourself, to question your own beliefs, and investigate whether they are built on a foundation of reason, fact and logic... or one of these many fallacies.

Informal fallacy is a part of human social interaction, we are irrational beings, but if you start with yourself, and develop your own beliefs, then you are able to step back into informal debate and argument, and be able to support your own beliefs.
I occasionally argue with others, philosophically, politically, morally, but my goal is never to prove anyone else wrong (people tend to get offended when you tell them they're wrong), rather, my goal is to convince myself of the other person's beliefs. If I fail, I explain to the opponent why I'm still skeptical, and present my own counter-points, based on my reason.
I don't try to prove anyone else wrong, I try to prove me wrong, and if I can't, I explain why - because I'm a skeptic, and I want to give other claims their best chance of convincing me. I don't point out fallacies as a "gotcha" to try to shut down debate... I point them out to explain "you can't convince me without reason, please provide a better argument".

See ultimately, that's the most important part of understanding argumentation - argument is fraught with peril, because of how complicated it is, but the worst possible way to argue is by trying to prove anyone else wrong. You'll never convince anyone else by isolating their wrength and pointing it out to them. To most people, pointing out where they're wrong is basically saying "Look, this is how stupid you are!", and as I pointed out in Part 1 of this series, most people aren't ready to accept that they're stupid — heck, I've been a skeptic for years, and I struggle to admit when I'm wrong — so instead, I want to focus on self-reflection, because at least then there's more room for rational debate.

If you're reading this, hoping to find a way to prove your opponent wrong... you've already failed.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and let me know if you've ever come across one of these fallacies "in the wild" - I'm sure you have, and having a list as "comprehensive" as this will hopefully make you realize just how common they are. Until Next Time, I'm going to go argue with myself about what I'm going to post tomorrow...

Things that Somehow Exist

If you haven't heard of the "Mandela Effect" before, allow me to ruin your day. It all started when a single woman misremembered that Nelson Mandela died in prison in the 80s - even though he never did, and in reality, served as the African President 14 years later. Side-stepping the fact that an American, white woman isn't well-versed in African history (what a shock!) what followed is that rather than accept the fact that this is a false memory, something which happens all the time, because human minds are a confusing and complicated mess, which is prone to making mistakes sometimes - she assumed that rather than HER being wrong, REALITY was wrong, and she must have existed in a parallel universe where her memories are *totally correct, you guys!*
And now, there are groups of people who believe, without evidence, understanding or proof, that when they remember something that isn't true, or discover evidence that someone else makes a similar mistake about the past, it is ALSO evidence that they are just as super/special/awesome, and must also be dimensional sliders or mandelites or chosen ones in the matrix or whatever other nonsense they choose to believe to explain simple spelling errors.
And yes, the effect is named for Mandela, but most of these "false memories" don't involve influential historical figures so much as misremembering how to spell the names of popular cereals and children's book characters, or conflating two characters or events from pop culture.

It's a wholly uninteresting phenomenon. False memories happen all the time, for the simple fact that to save time and effort, your brain takes shortcuts to remember things, remembering them only partially or vaguely, and often doesn't bother to remember things that don't hold any significance to you.
So, why am I even talking about it? Well, that sense of feeling like reality is playing a trick on you, I can definitely understand that. I'm not foolish enough to believe that my false memories are true... but what about the opposite?

In my opinion, there's a much more interesting phenomenon, known as jamais vu. It's a french term which literally means "never seen", and the phenomenon is that exact feeling, it's remembering something, but feeling like it is unique and new, even though you have some vague experience of it. That's why I think of it as the opposite of the mandela affect - rather than believing a memory that's false, it's disbelieving a memory that is true. Of course, I don't believe this is proof that I'm actually from a superior reality, but it is still a strange phenomenon, depending on the kind of things you remember...
The reason it fits with this theme of "dreams" is because, to me, it feels a lot like remembering a dream. Like, say you have some vague memory of walking down a pier at night, but you've never lived near the coast you've only ever been to the beach during the day, so what was that memory? Is it real, or just something you remember from a dream? I'm sure this is rather common, as this is somewhat related to the pop culture phenomenon of "Lost Media". You may have heard of some common ones, like Clock Man. But, the things I'm talking about aren't so much lost, as merely half-forgotten - so today I want to present to you my list of five things that I didn't think were real... but which actually exist.

THE AWN's TOP 10 THINGS THAT (SOMEHOW) EXIST

10. The Land of Pleasant Dreams
Look, this was just a kid's show. I get that, it was a kid's show, and some kids shows are weird. But, the reason why this is on the list is because I totally forgot about it, until a few years ago, when I was working on my "Childhood Trauma" video, for Halloween Countdown 2019 (here's a link to Part 2 as well) I won't spoil some of the other media on that list, but I remembered this show, because it was also one of the shows that my parents owned on VHS which I watched a few times, and it was a little creepy because of the puppets, but unlike the other items I included on that list, it wasn't actually all that scary. I mean, I thought the grandma character that introduced the stories was a little creepy, although not enough to make the list.
But, that's to be expected, puppetry is always a little creepy. But, this show was incredibly weird. See, the gimmick is that this is a series of adventures about children who go to sleep and in their dreams they encounter interesting adventures in a weird world made of blankets and stuffed toys. The idea was that the show taught some simple morals, and sometimes included songs and stuff.
After doing some research, I actually found a few episodes on YouTube - and even saw some of the ones that were on our old VHS tape! "The Dog that was Too Fast" & "A Fence Too High" - there was also one about a horse that I wasn't able to find... I think it was walking backwards or something? I don't know.
Y'know, this is why this one is so low on the list - it's a weird kid's show and it's about dreaming, so it's inherently surreal - of course this one feels kind of dream-like. Even the music is often soft, using buzzy synth, I even wonder if this show was designed to help kids fall asleep. I mean, based on the musical sections where the character's sing, and the fact that the moral is at the very end of the episode, means that that's probably not the case, but the cliched songs and dreamy quality made me forget this one.

9. The One
Admittedly, this isn't as old as some of the other items on this list, as it's from 2008, but it's still something which I forgot existed, until I was working on this list. But, this was a television show, which was advertised as a world-changing phenomenon. Now, I never watched the show, I want to make that clear, I never actually saw any of the episodes. But... I saw the advertising that first introduced it, the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. Let's start with the title. Firstly whilst the show was advertised as The One, the full title was "The One: The Search for Australia's Most Gifted Psychic"...
I think that might explain every problem I have with this. I mean, sure, the idea was simple - this was a competitive reality show, wherein several self-professed psychics took part in a variety of contests and challenges to see which one was the most psychic. Now, to me, this is a pretty funny concept, because the reality is that nobody is psychic, so we're basically watching a collection of con artists or self-delusional idiots trying their hardest to keep their game face on, when being called out on their bullshit.
But see, I'm not here to debunk the show, because others have already done so very effectively. Rather, I remembered this show, but it just doesn't seem real... it doesn't seem like something that actually happened. See, let me explain... what makes this show seem weird and unreal to me is that it wasn't about calling them on their bullshit at all, it wasn't testing the veracity of psychic abilities - the show assumes that psychic powers exist, and even claims that the seven psychics chosen were "the top psychics in Australia". The goal of the show was to find out which of the contestants was the best. From all the advertising I saw, the tests weren't attempting to debunk, or even challenge these psychics - they were designed to let psychics perform a series of commonplace psychic tricks. From what I can tell on the Wikipedia page, this included dowsing; mediumship; mind-reading; psychometry; remote-viewing and the kind of thing which psychics have been claiming to do for years, and almost every episode included cold-reading of an audience, which is a well-understood parlour trick. Obviously, some of the people involved in this show must have known that psychic powers are a scam, since it was edited and marketed to promote the successes of the psychics, and downplay their failures, but I don't understand how you can go through the process of hiring a host, a set designer, a casting director - doing the casting call, and "testing" hundreds of applicants, how can all of that happen, and at no point in the whole process did someone come up and say "hey, uh... does nobody realize that this all bullshit? What the fuck are we doing?" - it boggles my mind, but trust me... this happened. not only that, apparently it had a second season three years later, in 2011, but it wasn't promoted anywhere near as hard (I guess because we'd already tested the "top 7" psychics, so obviously these psychics must have been sub-par). So, if I had a dollar for every time Channel 7 Australia hosted a reality show to try to find the best psychic in the country... well, I'd only have two dollars, but it is weird that it happened twice, right?

8. The Top's Dragon Coaster
This one is, admittedly, a little bit personal, since I used to live in Queensland, in and around the Brisbane CBD. When I was older, and lived on Queen Street, I would occasionally go shopping and check out the city, and I would often go to the Myer Centre, as it was one of the biggest places - four levels of retail, it was a lot of fun to shop there. But, one time a few year s ago when I was visiting the cinema, I had a weird recollection. See, the cinema is on the top floor, and I was looking over the edge of the balcony, I remember that the place looked familiar... specifically, there was a design on the roof that I remembered seeing "up close", but that's ridiculous, after all, that was far past the balcony of the fourth-floor, overlooking a drop to the food court down the bottom... to see that up close, I'd have to be flying. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that yeah, I had seen it up close - because I remembered riding a rollercoaster inside the building.
It sounded silly, but the more I thought about it, the more I remembered that when I was younger I had once ridden on a dragon rollercoaster inside the building - and I even remember that as a kid, I called it the remote-control dragon. I assume I must have asked my father how they drove it, since it doesn't have a driver, and I guess he said it was "remote controlled", so I just called it the remote-control dragon (Either that or I was a dumb kid, and I assumed that everything electronic was remote-controlled). But it wasn't called the Remote Controlled Dragon, I don't know if it had a name, but most people called it the Dragon Coaster. Apparently, there was a whole amusement park called "Top's", with carousels, little rides and an arcade - but I only remembered the roller coaster. The crazy part about this is, I've seen it after the fact - a few years after this moment that revived my memory, I saw the train sitting on the grass at some local markets. The rails were dismantled, but the dragon train had been converted into a "ride-on train", as they'd put some wheels on it, but it was the same dragon, because it was the same colour (if a bit faded, from sunlight), and still had that distinct "double-tail", but it was in one complete piece. I assume they would take kids for little rides around the empty car park near the markets, but I don't know if it's still around.
It's stuff like this which will always make childhood seem more whimsical to me. Book fairs with colourful puppets; getting a CD that took you to a website for kids & rollercoasters inside shopping centres...

7. 2003, "the Year of Australian Sketch Comedy"
I mean, the title kind of says it all, but what is weird is that this kind of exploded into (Australian) pop culture, and then disappeared. See, in Australia, there are basically 3 big television channels, 7, 9 & 10 (Don't ask me what happened to Channel 8, because I have no idea). There's also ABC, often on Channel 2, which I believe is partially subsidized by the government but beyond those major channels and some public access channels (like Briz31, that's one I know), these were the major telly channels. And for some reason, in 2003, every single television channel decided that sketch comedy was the must-have program on the broadcasting schedule... and in 2004, every single television channel decided that it wasn't anymore. Let me show you.
First, there was Channel 10, which on February 9, 2003, aired Skithouse. This was actually my favourite, since I found it to be more consistently finny. It had some comedians and television personalities which have gone on to greater things, like Peter Helliar, Corinne Grant, Tom Gleeson, Cal Wilson & the musical comedy trio Tripod. This show really enjoyed creating recurring gags and characters - I remember The Australian Fast Bowler, a superhero who solves many problems by being really good at bowling a cricket ball.
Next, there was Channel 9, which on February 19, 2003, aired Comedy Inc. hot on the heels of its competition. Whilst some of these names weren't as successful as their channel 10 counterparts, I enjoyed the hell out of Mandy McElhinney & Fiona Harris, both talented and funny, and I adore Jim Russell, not only because he was funny, but he later appeared in the show "Glitch", and he only had one scene, but he was captivating as that tragic character. Apparently what set this show apart is that it often parodied other popular shows of the time, which could be a bit hit or miss, they did original sketches too, but the parody sketches were the main gag.
Lastly, there was Channel 7 which took a whole four months before Big Bite aired in May 2003, and it was the least successful of the four. Despite this, it has a cult following, since it was the start of a lot of prominent talent like Chris Lilley, Andrew O'Keefe & Kate McCartney, who would later go on to join the Kate McKlennan to create both "The Katering Show" & "Get Krackin", each of which are fantastically funny shows.
But then, in 2004, it all ended. It started with Big Bite, as it was cancelled after just one season with just 15 episodes, concluding March 4, 2004. Skithouse was next, ending on July 28, 2004, after two seasons, with 19 episodes in total. But the last one on the rung was Comedy Inc., and this one technically lasted until 2007, with five seasons and 96 total episodes... however, in 2005, for Season 3, in an attempt to boost ratings, they changed to a later time-slot, and changing the name to "Comedy Inc.: The Late Shift". Whilst the show continued, the time-slot didn't help ratings, and it apparently changed timeslot a few times for the last three seasons, so it fell out of the zeitgeist. Meaning that the original show - the first two seasons before the time and name change - was merely two seasons long, and lasted for 30 episodes, ending in September 2004.
So, it came into our lives, and then vanished (unless you stayed up late watching Channel 7). And, it just leaves me wondering... why? Sure, I think the Big Bite was created just to cash in on the success of Comedy Inc. & Skithouse; but why were those made, at the same time? And why did they all lose popularity just as fast, after a year? It was all so fast, it feels like it happened in a dream, which is why it's on this list...

6. David Tench Tonight
Honestly, I wasn't planning on most of these being television shows, but you're more likely to understand what I'm talking about if it's something that aired on television. And, these are some of the ones that I remember the most. And when I was trying to remember things which felt unreal... well, there's nothing quite like David Tench Tonight.
See, kind of like The One, David Tench Tonight was a show from 2006 that was promoted as a television phenomenon, it was meant to be absolutely huge. They didn't even advertize exactly what it was - rather, Channel 10 did this pseudo-viral marketing campaign with just quotes about the guy, all advertised with the tagline "finally, someone real on television". I was drawn in, I wanted to see what it was all about, so I tuned into the first episode.
So, who is David Tench? Well... nobody. David Tench doesn't exist. What David Tench Tonight is is a computer-generated character, that hosts a talk show with real people using motion-capture so they're able to interact in real time with the real guest... that's it. Seriously. I remember I was watching in anticipation, but as soon as I saw what it was, I was like... "Oh, that's it?", and after the first segment, I changed the channel and never watched it again.
But, Channel 10 was all over this. in fact, the reason he was called David Tench, is because he was created by Channel Ten. David Tench was their creation, through and through, but why? David Tench was actually kind of creepy-looking. He was a computer-generated cartoon and they gave him an oversized head; but, they also gave him somewhat realistic hair and eyebrows, and an inhumanly wide mouth, so he was veering right down into the uncanny valley. The truly sad part is that David Tench was played by a real actor, named Drew Forsythe, who provided the voice and did the motion capture. He was uncredited in the show, and that's the one aspect of the show that kind of makes sense... because he wasn't real (and they never said who was responsible for the crap coming out of his mouth), they often used him to get away with making horrible jokes - in the same way that ventriloquists make their dummies say horrible things, because it's easier to handle bad jokes when they're coming from a puppet, since they're one-degree removed from reality.
But, at the same time, the problem with having your host be a fake person is that they have no inherent personality; but talk shows live and die off of the screen presence, relatability and integrity of their host... and, well, "live and die off" David Tench certainly did, because after one season of sixteen episodes, the show was cancelled. This was a bad idea, I'm afraid, and it was doomed to die, but that promotional campaign that lured people in without telling them what they were in for, is what dug the grave.

5. Truck Nuts
Does anyone else remember these? I only saw these a few times as a kid, and the first time I saw it, it made me laugh. but, the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. In case you're unaware, truck nuts were a vehicle accessory, which you attached either at the base of your vehicle's towbar, or just under the rear bumper. This novelty accessory looked like a fleshy scrotum, with two testicles, supposedly this would make it look like the testicles belonged to the car; or, in most cases, truck, as the height of a truck's chassis left enough room for the truck nuts to dangle without touching the road, and because, honestly, the same kind of toxic masculinity that leads to people purchasing unnecessary utility vehicles would also lead to them feeling like it's a good idea to display a pair of large, fake testicles.
Now, I looked this up, and I saw that there were several articles talking about the court case involving truck nuts. Several people and companies were fined or taken to court, on obscenity charges and there was a whole lot of drama about free speech laws. I think that's going a bit far - whilst I wish we could make idiocy a crime, we really shouldn't, and whilst I call this idiotic, I don't think it's obscene - I don't think any genitalia is inherently obscene. I still prefer if people stay clothed, so I can concentrate, but I don't think it's obscene to see nakedness, even if it is a fake pair of oversized testicles.
But, my real question is... who comes up with this shit? And even that question isn't an easy one to answer, as apparently several people have tried to claim that they are the inventor of truck nuts, so I can't really say who created these things, but even worse, I don't know what kind of weirdo would decide that these are such a good idea that they would purchase these, when they saw them on offer. I would understand if this was a gag gift, but no, these were purchased by car owners to put on their own vehicles. They saw it in the store, found out what it was for, laughed at it, took it to the counter, purchased it, took it home, took it out of the packaging, found out how to secure it to the back of their car, then did so, according to the instructions... and the whole time, they still thought this was funny. But, I mean, it's not that funny. I thought it was funny the first time I saw it, because I was a child and at first glance, it does look like the car has testicles. But even as a child, the next time I saw it (on a different vehicle, mind you), I was like "oh, they did that silly thing too... okay". But, maybe that's why they disappeared... maybe their moment is gone, and everyone realized that it's not a good idea to have testicles on your car. I mean, sure, they're probably around somewhere - maybe there's a small town where everyone has them. Or, more terrifying, maybe there's a warehouse full of unsold stock, waiting for someone to unearth a pallette full of deteriorating, plastic car scrotums. Honestly, this is something I wish I dreamed or made up... but no, truck nuts, too, are real.

4. Avenger Penguins
Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles was a huge phenomenon in the 90s. The show was massively popular, it had crazy merchandising, especially with toys and games, there was even a live-action movie, despite how difficult the puppetry was at the time (and they did a great job, all told). But, with the popularity of TMNT, there inevitably came the pretenders to the throne. I haven't watched all of these recently, but there were hundreds of shows that tried to rip-off the premise. I distinctly remember Street Sharks, Biker Mice from Mars, Battletoads & Mighty Ducks (the animated series). There were even even a few ripoffs using Australian Animals, such as Naive Inter-Dimensional Commando Koalas; Teenage Mutant Samurai Wombats; & Pre-Teen Dirty-Gene Kung-Fu Kangaroos... I promise you, I am not making any of these up, they were ripoffs of the comicbook, not the television show, but they actually existed.
But I'm not talking about comicbook ripoffs, because I never read any of these - rather, I want to talk about another television show. Because, even as a kid I could see through Biker Mice from Mars as a clear rip-off of the TMNT "heroic group of humanoid animals" thing, but most people seem to know about Biker Mice and Battletoads and Street Sharks -  I've heard other people talk about them before. But there's a show, clearly designed to rip off Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles, which nobody seems to talk about, but I watched a bit as a kid. It was called Avenger Penguins. This show was about motorcycle-riding penguins, who lived in a giant iceberg or something, and would fight against an evil guy called Mister Doom... using motorcycles. Maybe this was more of a rip-off of Biker Mice than the Ninja Turtles? I don't remember much about this show, except that it had penguins riding motorcycles... but, I don't understand why.
I found some of the show on YouTube, and I watched a few episodes for this blog post, and honestly, watching this show again just begs further questions! For one thing, not everyone in the show is a penguin - even the evil villain just just an ugly guy with grey skin, so I don't understand why the main characters are penguins. Also, if you watch these episodes for yourself, you'll see that this had some pretty fluid animation, and it was clearly scripted with jokes, and a simple but effective plot, so I think this had a relatively good budget for an animated show. So, although this is a TMNT cash-in, they didn't phone it in, they put real work into this show. Maybe I'll have to look into this more later, but for now, this still feels like something that couldn't have happened, even though I have proof now that it did...

3. "The Jackass Phenomenon"
I'm sure you've heard of Jackass, and to me, the show itself isn't really so weird that it's unbelievable... no, what is unbelievable to me is that this wasn't just one show, or one movie... This was five television shows, and seven spin-off shows - including a reality game show; five movies, three spin-off movies, a documentary & a videogame! And the popularity of the show influenced a lot of shows to follow, like Adrenaline Crew; Dirty Sanchez; The Dudesons; Nitro Circus; Rad Girls; the Tokyo Shock Boys & Too Stupid to Die, as well as countless YouTube "prank" channels.
And you know, despite all of this... I still don't "get" it.
I never watched the television show, I just saw the first movie, and I laughed at some of the stunts, but not all or even most of them. I mean, it's all there in the title - it's a bunch of guys acting like jackasses, but why? What is the point? Okay, let me explain where I'm coming from...
See, what truly broke my brain was the videogame Jackass: The Game. See, I do not understand the point of this show, but, in a videogame, you have to have a goal, and in some cases, a points system so you can quantify how well you're doing. So, what is the goal in the Jackass videogame? The goal is "to film a series of Jackass"... Really? Okay, that leaves me just as confused as before... but, what about the point system, though? How do I tell if I'm "filming jackass" correctly?
Well, you have to hurt yourself. In some minigames, you have to compete with one another, or do some comedy routine, but in most of the minigames, the more hurt you get, the more points you get... in some, they even display each injury you get, and you get more points depending on the severity.
Is that the entire point of Jackass? Getting the most hurt? But... no, that doesn't make sense. I don't believe that everyone who watches the show is some kind of sadomasochist, surely thousands of people don't enjoy seeing people get hurt or humiliated - I mean, this isn't meant to be BDSM, it's not pornographic it's comedic. At least, I think it's not pornographic... there's a lot of weird butt stuff, like the "Ass Rockets", and "The Butt X-ray", and then there's "Party Boy", which is just a prank where a guy strips off and dances... has anyone ever written a Jackass/Fifty Shades of Grey crossover fanfic?
But no, no, no, this is meant to be a comedy, Wikipedia even calls it "slapstick". But, slapstick is about exaggerating violence, stagefighting, prat falls and other exaggerated actions. Jackass doesn't exaggerate its violence, it just shows the results of their actions. In one scene, a boxer beats the shit out of Johnny Knoxville, and he has to get stitches. That's not funny.
I mean, for goodness sake, this was multi-million dollar franchise - I am not kidding, the first movie had a five-million dollar budget alone, and earned almost eighty million dollars. Then, it all died down, possibly because some of the actors involved died, and others went to rehab... but, why did it get so big in the first place? Did everyone in the world just lose their minds for a few years? What the hell happened? I still don't know, and that's why this is number 3 on this list.

2. Wicked Willie
When I was much younger, I'm talking single digits (and I'm 30 now, so that's over twenty years ago), my parents would take my family and me to the local library. I think this was over the school holidays or something, because every week for a few months, we went to the library and borrowed books from the library using our library cards. Occasionally I would borrow books, but I was fascinated by the videos. There was a nature video that I saw about bears... I can't remember anything about it, except that it had a bear at one point (this was a long time ago, okay?). But, there was another video I asked to borrow, because I didn't understand it at all, and I was curious as to what it would be about.
See, it was a video for a movie called "Wicked Willie - the Movie", and it was about a personified, talking penis. The conceit of the film was that it had a series of sketches, intercut with Willie doing a stand-up routine. Now, before you get any ideas, I was like 10... I wasn't trying to ogle naked people in a weird sex comedy - and second, this was a cartoon, in a simplified "Jim Davis", British newspaper comic style, so it wasn't detailed enough to be in any way erotic. Also, I didn't understand all of the jokes - I don't remember laughing once when I watched this as a kid, I was just confused.
I don't even know why my parents hired it out - even though they had to hire it out on their card, since it was R-rated (don't worry, whilst there was maybe a boob here or there, it was mostly R for "sexual references", and when the main character is a talking cock, that's kind of a given - it wasn't porn, by any metric). I assume that my parents also thought it was pretty tame, and/or, because I was that age, they thought maybe I was curious about my body... Eh...? I don't know, I didn't bother to ask them for this blog post. I guess, if I took my kid to the library, and he wanted to watch a weird movie about a talking penis, I would't prevent him from seeing it either, but it is a weird situation...
However, as weird as it is that as a kid I watched a movie about a talking penis, what truly puts this on the list, especially in the number 2 spot, is that when I remembered this thing and I looked it up to make sure it was real... it turns out that this was kind of a big deal back in the day. See, the reason this movie exists is because this originally started as a comicbook, then it had this movie, and it even had a cartoon series (banned from television for obscenity, but apparently it had over a dozen episodes), a sequel movie, and even a board game & a non-fiction book all about the phenomenon!
Unfortunately, I don't remember a single joke, except that when Willie was doing stand-up, he wore a bow-tie, and that's kind of a funny image. But, this thing - this silly cartoon from the 1980s, was so popular that it got international distribution? Yeah, did I mention that this was British? it was from the U.K., but it was popular enough to find an audience in Australia. Or, at the very least, one of its videos appeared on the rack in the library in my suburb... I don't know what to say except - yeah, this is real.

1. MOT
This may not seem that weird to you, and hey, the last two things were international phenomena, so what's this little thing? Well, the reason this is number 1 is because for the longest time, I didn't think this was real. See, for years, this was my personal Lost Media journey... for the longest time, I was trying to find out if this was real, because I wasn't sure, but the images were so distinct in my mind.
See, I had three things which I remembered very clearly:

• First of all, there was a purple dragon that could either grant wishes, or use magic - that was the main conceit of this show, a guy who had a magic, purple dragon that could grant wishes.
• Secondly, I remembered a scene where the world turned into a cube.
• Thirdly, I remembered a scene where everyone's house was hovering about a foot off the ground, but flying along at speed, and the main character had to jump from one house to another.

That's it, those are the three things I remembered - and they were connected somehow, but I didn't know how (presumably all were caused by the purple dragon's magic), but I didn't know what the show was called, what else it was about, or if maybe I had made all of this up in a dream.
But... shock of all shocks, I FOUND IT. See, I'm not crazy!
This is a show called "Mot" (I guess that's why I never remembered it - that name is ridiculous). Mot is the name of a purple monster that lives with his human friend, called Leo. The reason why Mot was called Mot is because his species is "Monstrous Organicus Telluricus" or M.O.T. for short. This species has the innate ability to open interdimensional doors. Look, okay, he's not actually a dragon, he's a monster, but he does have a dragon-like tail!  Also, he doesn't grant wishes... I think that might have happened in one of the episodes, but I'm not sure. Or maybe I'm mis-remembering a time when Leo asked him for something, and he did it for him with one of his dimension doors? Ehh...?
This was popular in the mid-to-late-90s, so that's probably why I don't remember it very well, I was pretty young at the time. It looks like a weird show, but honestly? I wish I could see it again. It looks weird, but kind of cool. Dimension-hopping monsters? Sign me up!
The problem is that the original show is French, so I don't even know if it's available on DVD - I don't even know who was responsible for the dub that I watched on television so long ago.
Whilst this media is no longer forgotten... it's still lost, to me. I'm not at the end of my Lost Media Journey, just yet. But, still, this was a really unusual show with some surreal elements, so it's no wonder that it felt more like a dream than a memory. Hell, the only reason why I thought it was real was because it's a cartoon, and I don't tend to dream in 2D animation... so who's to say how many of my other memories are actually just boring dreams?

- - -

Alright, well, that's my list, but do you have one? What are some other culture, media or phenomena which you remember, but are so unusual that it just doesn't feel real?
I admit that this is a bit of a strange concept, but I think it's fascinating. After all, they say that Truth is Stranger than Fiction, and so I find this so much more fascinating than the Mandela Effect nonsense that inspired this post, and I'm curious how many of you remember these things I'm talking about - did you find them as surreal as I did? And of course, if anyone knows where I can watch, or purchase some of these old shows (especially Mot), please get in touch.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and Until Next Time, take comfort in the fact that, in the very least, I know that you exist... I mean, I think you do. You exist, right? Guys? Is somebody out there? ...hello?

Nightmare Monsters

Nightmares can be absolutely terrifying. I haven't had a nightmare in a good, long while, but they can be very upsetting - I remember I once had a dream where my backyard was infested with the shadows of giant spiders. It was weird and dist
urbing. So, ever since we could dream, people have imagined monsters that haunt our dreams. Either they cause or feed off of our nightmares, they're born from or live within nightmares, or they come out of our nightmares to try to hurt or kill us...

I've been doing some research into these dream-reapers, these nightmare creatures, to compile a list of some of the scariest amongst them, to see just what kind of nightmares we've come up with.

However, this was harder than I thought it would be. If you try looking up "nightmare monsters" you get a lot of videogames, music and art which don't involve dreams at all, since the keyword /nightmare/ is used hyperbolically in a lot of media, as is the word "dream" and "monster", so this took a lot more effort than usual. I did manage to find what I was looking for, but it means I found a few Honourable Mentions along the way:

i. DROWZEE (Pokémon)
I knew I could find these creatures, because I'd seen them before, right? So, I started with Drowzee, from the Pokémon franchise, I remembered it from the anime series, it's meant to do something with your dreams, right? Well, it "eats" dreams according to the PokéDex... but if you look at Drowzee's move-list from leveling up, "Dream Eater", a move which drains life from sleeping pokémon, isn't one that Drowzee learns "naturally" in any of the main games. Sure, it can learn "Dream Eater", from TM42 (switched to TM85, in later instalments) but a TM, or "technical machine" is an item which can be used to teach a particular move, to a whole heap of pokémon, and "Dream Eater" can be taught to any valid pokémon, and, I counted, there are 185 pokémon which can learn this move - meaning Drowzee isn't really a nightmare monster. So, unless I want to put a generation's worth of pokémon on this list, which I don't, then pokémon can't make the main list, just an honourable mention...

ii. BAKU (Japanese mythology)
Okay, well, Drowzee was a bust... but, hey, pokémon are often inspired by Japanese mythology right? So, why not look up what inspired him? And yes, sure enough, Drowzee is inspired by the Baku - a baku is a a tapir-like monster that sneaks up on sleeping people, and eats their dreams. Yes, now we're talking! Isn't that a horrifying idea, a creature that eats your dreams, leaving you with nothing but nightmares?
Yes, that would be scary, but a little reading reveals that that isn't what a baku is. The Baku only eats "bad dreams", meaning that it takes away your nightmares, and gives you more peaceful sleep... okay, that is kind of adorable, and I like that mythology isn't solely creatures that horrify and disturb, it's nice to know there's some cute one's in there. But, I'm not looking for dream pets, I want nightmare monsters, so this was a failure... but since it's technically a monster and technically it does have to do with nightmares (and I thought it was cute), I put it here as an honourable mention.

iii. MARE (Germanic mythology)
Yeah, I remember reading up something about a Nightmare literally being a demonic mare of the night - a fiery horse that causes bad dreams. I mean, they're called Nightmares after all, isn't that a reference to a demonic horse?
So, I looked it up, and.... huh, no. "Nightmare" comes from the greek "moros" meaning doom, related to the root-word "mer" or "maras" meaning harm (This means that nightmare kind of means "night-doom" or "night-harm", which is cool, but doesn't help me here).
But, it turns out the nightmare horse-demon is a modern concept, based on a pun, and it occasionally appears in cartoons like that. Oh, but there is a creature called a "mare" from Scandiwegian folklore! But, it turns out that it's basically a nuisance goblin, which ties your hair in knots, and sits on your chest, causing nighrtmares... so, it's just another nightmare rider, like I mentioned in my earlier post about dream mythology, but this one doesn't usually kill you, so much as it tends to prank you. So, I was getting closer to actual monsters, but this one wasn't scary enough to make the list...

iv. FREDDY KRUEGER (A Nightmare on Elm Street)
It may seem weird that Freddy Krueger doesn't make the list proper, but that's for a simple reason - the Nightmare on Elm St films are actually what inspired this list. I wanted to talk about this frightening idea of monsters that can kill you from your dreams, and Krueger was a perfect example. But, after watching the first film in the franchise - whilst I did enjoy it - I realized that I couldn't say much about it. the film is decades old, and there are already editorials, think-pieces and even whole documentaries about the franchise - so I couldn't think of anything else to add.
So, rather than write a whole post about the franchise, and retread well-worn ground, I decided instead to highlight some other nightmarish monsters that are less well-known (or whose nightmarish aspects are poorly remembered, or oft-forgotten), because there's actually quite a few monsters that attack you in your dreams, possess your sleeping mind and try to kill you in your sleep. So, Freddy Krueger doesn't make this list on a technicality, but because he is an iconic killer, and a nightmare monster, he at the very least had to get an honourable mention.

This is just a glimpse of the kinds of things I had to put up with whilst researching nightmare monsters, and the kinds of things that, whilst interesting, didn't fit my criteria. But ,enough abpout the ones who didn't make the shortlist - after a great deal of research on actual monsters that actually cause nightmares (which are actually pretty creepy), I've found ten monsters which I've ranked in order from least scary/harmful to most. So, let's have a look at the main event:

THE A.W.N.'s TOP 10 NIGHTMARE MONSTERS (THAT AREN'T FREDDY KRUEGER)

10. SCP-080 "THE DARK FORM" (SCP Foundation)
This creature is essentially a living shadow, which can change its size and shape at will, but in most forms has two smoking "eyes". It thrives in shadows, but is visible if lit by a weak (approx 7 watt) lightbulb, as too much brightness illuminates it out of existence, and if there's too much darkness, especially areas or furniture with enclosed darkness, then the creature can use the shadows to hide and slip away, with some kind of shadow teleportation.
What makes this creature dangerous is that everyone who looks at this creature for approx. 30 minutes, will lose consciousness, and have severe nightmares and stressful dreams, which have been known to cause psychological damage and mental illness to those infected, up to and including suicidality. The creature has also been known to affect those who haven't observed it, either due to being within its vicinity, or being made aware of its presence. This effect becomes more powerful and far-reaching over time, the longer the creature goes without being observed - implying that the creature is feeding on the fear and mental energies of those it harms.

This creature is lower on this list as it is an "SCP", meaning that it is currently contained within the SCP Foundation. However, it can escape via too much or too little illumination, and it is noted that the dim light in which it thrives is approximately the same luminence as "a standard children’s night light", meaning that it has the ability to target children who are afraid of the dark, which what makes it creepy enough to make this list.

9. BLACK MERCY (DC Comics)
This isn't an animal, but rather a flowering, alien fungus. It has a limited ability to move, posessing thick, pre-hensile, thorned roots which it instinctively wraps around the nearest conscious victim, and causes a kind of paralysis in any person it touches, which causes them to stay stiff and perfectly still. It is said to feed on bio-aura - whilst not elaborated upon in the comic, I assume this to either be body heat, or some kind of pseudo-spiritual psychic emanation, and in later appearances they clarify that it feeds off the emotions in the pleasure centre of the brain.
What makes this fungus dangerous is two-fold. Firstly, whilst your body is paralyzed, it occupies your mind with a dream that fulfils their greatest, deepest desire, and presents it in a dream-reality that follows the dreamer's logic, so that it is convincing to them - this dream is so detailed and intertwined with the victim's own mind, that by removing the fungus by force, it will cause irreparable brain-damage or death; and so long as it can feed, and its victim is still alive, it will not let go. Secondly, in its premiere comicbook story, Black Mercy affects Superman... I hope you fully comprehend what I mean there. /Superman/, who has heightened senses, incalculable strength, devastating speed and (in most iterations) genius-level intellect; is held captive by a plant. It can even penetrate his Kryptonian super-suit with its thorns, so this is an incredibly powerful, little flowering fungus.

It only has two weaknesses, but they're pretty significant. Firstly, gloves... if you wear gloves made of the right material, it can't harm you; in fact, making a bag from that resistant material and putting it inside, renders it harmless. Secondly, if you reject the dream-scape that the Black Mercy creates for you, then it begins to starve and will stop feeding to seek out a new victim. Of course, this is a double-edged sword. It means, the greater your ambitions or desires, the more the Black Mercy has to feed off of.

8. BATIBAT (Ilocano, Phillipines Folklore)
This creature is the spirit of a tree, and when its tree is left alone, it will leave us alone, as it is a simple nature spirit. According to legend, if their tree is cut down, this harms the spirit and causes them to become furious. They remain within the felled timber, and wherever the resulting lumber is used - especially when used to construct someone's home - the batibat remains trapped in the wood for the day. But at night, if anyone sleeps in the vicinity of the tree-spirits's remains, it will assume a ghostly form - usually depicted as an ancient, grotesque and morbidly obese-looking female tree-spirit. This creature is so large because it will sit or lay down upon the sleeping victim, in an attempt to asphyxiate them.
If that alone isn't enough, the creature will also induce nightmares in the victim. This not only prevents the victim from escaping, but it is designed to torture them so they suffer just as the batibat itself has suffered. At this point, I feel it's necessary to remind people that the way people are suffocated in movies - someone strangling them, until they die about a minute later - is entirely fiction. If someone's oxygen supply is cut off, resulting in anoxia, a person may lose conscious after approximately a minute, but it will take three minutes before brain damage, and can take approximately 5-15 minutes before they die. It takes even longer if oxygen supply isn't cut off (anoxia) but simply restricted (asphyxia). My point is, being asphyxiated to death by being sat on is a slow, cruel and painful death.

The Batibat does have weaknesses, in particular you can escape from the batibat by escaping the dream... but, the method of achieving this depends slightly by mythology. According to some legends you have to bite your thumb, and this can awaken you - somwhat akin to "pinching yourself" to see if you're dreaming. Another form of the legend says that you can wake yourself up by wiggling your toes. If that's the case, it make this creature less scary - it can be defeated by wiggling your toes -but keep in mind, I learnt about the batibat from Western sources, reporting on myths from the Phillipines, so this may be a misunderstanding. From what I can tell, the true goal is to force yourself awake, and I assure you, that's not easy to do...

7. ROBERT MARKHAM (Marvel Comics)
Robert Markham was a normal, human man, who was infected with a genetic virus. In an attempt to treat it, Dr Peter Alraune prescribed an untested drug which corrupted Markham's DNA further, causing vampiric features, perpetual insomnia, and the build-up of unstable, psychic energies. After discovering that he no longer required sleep, and had developed the ability to control this psychic energy, which he called "ebon energy" he sought revenge on Dr Alraune, and turned to supervillainy, naming himself "Morpheus". Without sleep, "ebon energy" grows within him, granting him powers of telekinesis and energy projectiles. These were his powers initially, but after being captured and chemically sedated, in an attempt to stop the build-up of this ebon energy, his brain mutated further...
Now, Markham has the ability to remotely project nightmares into unwilling victims and, after establishing a psychic link, he could then read their waking thoughts, and even puppeteer the victim to do as he pleased - he could even transmit ebon energy into these possessed people, giving them the ability to induce dreams in anyone /they/ touch.

Markham has some weaknesses, namely he is not immune to his own ebon energies, as when he was touched by someone using their ebon energy powers to induce sleep, he fell asleep himself and his own ebon energies naturally dissipated. Despite his many and disturbing powers, his humanity is his biggest flaw. Although he looks monstrous, and his powers strong, he's weak to most physical attacks. But more even than that, he is driven by revenge against Dr Alraune, and Moon Knight, a crazed, vigilante superhero that fought him. So, if you haven't wronged him, then you're probably safe from his wrath, which is why he's so early on this list.

6. VISHKLAR (The Sarah Jane Adventures)
The vishklar are an extra-dimensional alien species from the Seretti dimension. Although they have no physical form in their native dimension, they can appear like unnaturally pale humanoids with dark, sunken eyes and dark clothing. Within the Seretti dimension, vishklar can travel between several victims around the galaxy, and from the seretti dimension, they can easily possess any living creature's dreams. They feed off of fear, so they enjoy inducing nightmares in people to harvest their fears. Within their lifetime, a vishklar can possess thousands of minds across the galaxy, giving them a broad range of experience - especially in regards to fear, and means they can speak several languages. This broad range of nightmare experiences also tends to give them arrogant, cruel and predatory personalities.
The nightmares the vishklar manipulates and controls within their victims minds are often drawn from the victim's own fears, to better terrify them, and feed the vishklar. If a vishklar is well-enough satiated, they can manifest themselves within the dream. In fact, the more they feed, the more powerful they get and for this reason vishklar are attracted to very powerful minds. When they can absorb enough energy, they can even create a physical form, allowing them to travel outside of their own dimension, into the physical world. This form is powerful and dangerous, as it can teleport with ease, and can even attack people using the dream-energy it has absorbed in the form of destructive purple energy & they can even induce sleep in anyone in their vicinity, as well as teleport into their sleeping mind.

Vishklar have three main weaknesses. Firstly, the "nightmare energy" they absorb is a limited resource, and they can render themselves weak and powerless by expending too much at one time, until they feed once more. Secondly, they feed off fear specifically, which means that if their victim is not afraid, then they cannot control their nightmares, or feed off their fear; and when a person no longer fears a vishklar, they regain full control over their own mind. Lastly, greed is their greatest weakness. Vishklar are attracted to strong minds, to feed upon, but strong minds can fight back against them; and some vishklar have been known to attack several victims at once to absorb more energy, but by doing this, the victims can work together to defeat the vishklar as a united front, which puts the vishklar in grave danger.

5. KANTROFARRI (Doctor Who)
The Kantrofarri are an alien animal, casually referred to as "dream crabs". They resemble a large, purple-coloured, hairless paw or hand with stubby, clawed fingers. On their own, they are weak creatures, blind, deaf and mute, and without any prey nearby, they can remain dormant for centuries. However, they possess powerful telepathic abilities, able to freely and easily read the minds of anyone nearby. When they see themselves in their victim's eyes, they will then attach themselves to the victim's face, usually by dropping down from above.
Once they have captured their victim's head, they will induce a dream-scape, to pacify them. To conserve energy, and make the dream more realistic and dynamic, dream crabs will share the same dream-scapes telepathically with other feeding kantrofarri, meaning that concurrent victims share the same dream. The way the kantrofarri feed is by physically digging into the skull of their pacified victim, then slowly pre-digesting and liquifying their brain, to absorb the nutrients.
The dream-scape tends towards realism, to keep the victims entranced, but they can be distinguished from reality. Firstly, dream crabs tend to store an image of themselves within their dream, to make it easier for them to remember. Secondly, whilst dreams are generally realistic, they tend to follow dream-logic; being scary if the dreamer feels scared, or poorly representing certain items the dreamer cannot remember perfectly & lastly, as the dream-crab burrows into the dreamer's skull, they will feel a sulled sensation of this, in the form of a "brain-freeze" headache. However, dream crabs have several defences themselves, including attacking the dream-manifestations, and false-awakenings, to confuse victims.

There are three main weaknesses of the kantrofarri. Firstly, because of the amount of energy expelled during hunting and feeding, kantrofarri die if they are removed prior to digesting their victim's brain. Secondly, because the creatures are so weak, if their victim isn't isolated during the time of their feeding, then it can be physically removed. Thirdly, and finally, brains have some natural, mental defences from being invaded, for instance, when several humans were afraid and trapped by dream crabs, they collectively manifested a kind, trustworthy dream-figure, who not only helped them to realize that their reality was fake, but to help them fight back against the threat of the dream crabs.

4. CTHULHU (Cthulhu mythos)
I wasn't sure if I wanted to include Cthulhu on this list, but after doing my diligent research, I realized that it was definitely a nightmare monster. Cthulhu is a tentacular, dragon-winged, pseudo-humanoid giant - at least several hundred metres tall. Due to its immense size and magical potential, Cthulhu is an unstoppable god-monster - those who gaze upon his massive form have been known to lose their minds. So, thankfully, Cthulhu is in a death-like sleep in R'lyeh, a sunken ancient city at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.
What makes Cthulhu a nightmare monster is that as cthulhu dreams, it will occasionally stir in its slumber, causing earthquakes, tsunamis and other similar disasters. But these disturbations also infect the minds of artists, dreamers and the imaginative - whom are presumably psychically sensitive - with his dreams, and tantalize them with visions of R'lyeh, its language and knowledge of his power. For some, this is little more than a strange, inspiring dream, but for others, it drives their ambition towards a religious fervour, which has developed into a cult of cthulhu worshippers. These worshippers are occasionally granted strange powers and magics, and for those who are ordained cthulhu priests, they may even be given immortality and mad wisdom. Those who worship cthulhu believe that, when the stars are aligned, it is their duty to resurrect cthulhu from his sunken tomb, so he can rule this world once more.

Cthulhu has two main weaknesses. Firstly, he is relying on a cult of crazy humans, and that causes issues - namely, in his first story "The Call of Cthulhu", an attempt to resurrect him fails, presumably because the stars weren't aligned right. But secondly, he's immortal, but not invulnerable - in an act of desperation, the sea-captain rams Cthulhu's head with his ship, and cthulhu's head explodes like a rotten watermelon! He can't be killed because he has a healing factor, and the jellied chunks begin to reform, but the captain manages to sail his ship away in the meantime, so cthulhu can be rendered immobile simply by splattering his pulpy, gelatinous mass. I'm not saying that's necessarily the easiest thing to do, but it did knock Cthulhu out of the top-3 ranking.

3. BASTELLUS (Dungeons & Dragons)
This is a shapeshifting, humanoid shadow-monster with thin, skeletal fingers and a leering, eerie smile. The bastellus is entirely made of "dream essence" and it can phase through objects and other creatures (although it will get hurt if it gets stuck inside), and it naturally levitates, rather than walking. The bastellus also has its own magic which it knows instinctively: Incorporeal Touch, which means that if the creature touches you, it causes psychic damage, depending on your armour class; Darkness, a spell which creates a magic, impenetrable darkness for up to 10 minutes as long as the bastellus focuses on it; and, Sleep, a spell which simply puts one or more creatures asleep, depending on their current health, for up to a minute. It's easy enough to rouse someone from this sleep, but any sleepers near the bastellus are in danger. For, because of its nature as an incorporeal, undead creature, it is immune to all non-magical, physical attacks and it requires no air, food, water or sleep to survive - but it sustains itself by feeding on nightmares.
Simply by touching a sleeper with its elongated fingers, the sleeper experiences horrifying nightmares which sustains the bastellus. If the bastellus manages to maintain contact for at least one hour, not only will you wake up unrested, but you will become supernaturally fatigued. In game mechanics, the GM rolls 3d8 - three eight-sided dice, numbered one to eight - and your maximum hitpoints are reduced by that total amount. So, your maximum health will be permanently reduced by anything from 3 to 24 points, unless you can restore it with magic. Once a bastellus gets a taste for a victim, it will return to it night after night to feed, until they. For weaker victims, if this supernatural fatigue lowers their HP to zero, then they become a bastellus themselves 24 hours after death...

The bastellus does have some weaknesses, namely magic, as most spells, or magically-charged weaponry, can cause it harm. Also, sunlight weakens its natural magic, as it is a nocturnal creature of darkness, so it cannot operate as well in the light. I could argue that we're all vulnerable as nobody can use magic, but that's because magic isn't real, and neither is the bastellus - if it was real, then so too would magic be. But, even in D&D, for a human to learn even the simplest spells requires a great deal of study, practice and time.

2. DREAM BEAVERS (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
Dream beavers are extra-dimensional aliens, that appear like monstrous, oddly-coloured beavers with sharp teeth and claws, with the ability to speak and stand on their hind legs. They live within the "Dream Dimension", a dimension that interconnects human (and sapient animal) subconsciousness into a manipulable, physical dimension. Whilst this dimension is galactic in scale, the Dream beavers are drawn towards areas where the veil between the Dream Dimension and realities which they can prey upon (such as our own). If anyone at all falls asleep in a place where the dream dimension veil is weakened, they can become host to the dream beavers. When this happens, your breathing and heart rate will gradually slow, and your body will get cold until you die - as the dream beavers literally drain away your life energy.
Most dream beavers like to torment their victims with nightmares, but this is presumably for the sake of entertainment, as it's not necessary and has no effect on their ability to drain life from their victims. But, they demonstrate the ability to manipulate the dreamscape at their will, make themselves look more monstrous and create dream manifestations which they can control. Dream beavers also have the ability to teleport, which they can do in dreams, as well as in the physical world, if they ever manage to escape the dream dimension. Once a person has been lured into a dream beaver nightmare, they cannot be roused, not even by force.

The dream beavers have a single weakness, and it is that their strength comes from their manipulation of the dream dimension realm. If a dream beaver escapes the dream dimension, their true forms are less than half a metre tall, and have no ability to manipulate the surrounding landscape, and as they can only feed on life force from within a victim's dream, they can no longer feed. In the one episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in which they appear, they escape via a "dream plug" which is a device designed by a mad scientist, so if you don't have a Dream Dimension portal, you're basically doomed. Yhat being said... the dream plug is also what drew them to our world in the first place.

1. BILL CIPHER (Gravity Falls)
Bill Cipher is a yellow, two-dimensional triangle, with arms, legs and a large eye, as well as a bow-tie and a little, but tall, stovepipe top hat - so he looks somewhat like an anthropomorphized "eye of providence" symbol. He's approximately 1-metre tall, and at first he may seem like an unassuming, weirdo, but Bill Cipher is an inter-dimensional traveller, completely insane, and possesses powerful magic, dimensional energies & demonic powers. These include the ability to see into the future, the ability to read minds, the ability to transform his own body into a variety of sizes and dimensionalities, and the ability to warp the reality around him. He is originally from the second-dimension, but the people within that world were mentally, culturally and literally shallow, so Bill Cipher destroyed the entire dimension with fire and escaped to the Nightmare Realm, which he now controls. He also has various other unusual abilities, like the ability to speak backwards; drive people temporarily insane; see through symbols representing himself & levitate.
Bill Cipher is a powerful dream demon, and so he has many demonic powers, including the ability to enter your dreams, and manipulate the dreamscape within. He can also be summoned by a specific "Bill-summoning ritual", which creates a pocket of Nightmare Dimension in our reality, where he not only has (limited) control, but can appear and interact with anyone in that pocket. But, no matter how he appears before you, once in your presence, Bill can offer one of his demonic deals, defining the terms of the deal in a verbal contract which is accepted by shaking his cursed hand. Whilst Bill is trapped within the Nightmare Dimension, he cannot enter our reality, and is bound by the mindscape. But, as what he wants most is to escape his unstable Nightmare Dimension, Bill often tries to manipulate the details of these demonic deals, to give himself greater access to the third dimension... our dimension. His ultimate goal is to open up a rift between dimensions so he can step through, but he will often accept any deal that gives him access to a human mind, as this makes it possible for him to possess a human body.

Bill's main weaknesses are that when he is within a mind, as the mind's owner has access to their imagination they can fight back with their thoughts. But, even if he is able to fully possess a human body, he loses all of his demonic powers, and only has the ability of that particular human, which limits his abilities significantly. If he enters this reality in his own body, his reality-warping abilities would render him nigh-omnipotent. The only power known to contain Bill Cipher is the strange "weirdness magnet" within Gravity Falls which draws unnatural phenomena into itself, but this power isn't well understood, and so it cannot be relied upon to keep our dimension safe. In fact, there even exists a simple equation can be used to render the phenomenon void...

- - -

So, that's my list. If you can think of any more nightmare monsters which you think deserve to be on this list, feel free to mention them in a comment below. This took a lot of research to even find these creatures, and some I found didn't make the list because I couldn't find enough information on them, or I couldn't get easy access to a primary source.
I just wnated to open your eyes to some more of the monsters that stalk your dreams, so that next time you close them, you'll be more prepared to fight back.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, don't let the bed bugs bite...