Monday 26 December 2016

Operation: White Christmas

CHAPTER 1: SNOWFLAKES IN THE AIR

It was a cold Wintery afternoon and as the sun set, snow began falling across the city; little white flakes sprinkling the streets like icing sugar, which then melted on the ground.
Brian stood by the window, a small, plastic cup of water in his hand, staring at the snow. He was a young teenager, with a messy fop of sun-bleached blond hair on his head that was lazily combed to the side and tattoos on his left arm which peeked out the edges of his long-sleeved shirt.
  “Oh crap . . .” said Leonard, wandering over to the window. Leonard was a hunchbacked, old, wrinkly man with receding grey hair and thin glasses on the end of his nose.
  “What?” asked Brian.
Leonard raised his eyes to give the kid an incredulous look that creased his forehead over his glasses. He was so hunched over that he was shorter than Brian when he stood by the window.
  “You wouldn’t know your arse from a hole in the ground, would ya?”
  “Uh . . . I was just looking at the snow,” said Brian, “I thought it looked cool.”
  “You stupid bastard,” said Leonard. “It doesn’t snow in Queensland, mate. That’s gotta be a bloody cold curse or winter god, some bullshit. That ain’t snow, that’s work.”
  “Oh,” said Brian.
  “Yeah, ‘oh’,” mocked Leonard, turning around. “Now get back to work.”
Brian turned around to watch the old grump stalk back to his cubicle.
  “You ain’t my boss, Lenny . . .” mumbled Brian, drinking his water. He glanced at the snow, then went back to his desk. Brian’s cubicle was a two-metre by two-metre square surrounded by thin, lime-green partitions made of plastic. His corner-desk wrapped around two walls, had a computer in the middle, a small filing cabinet under the left side with a bin, which he dropped the plastic cup in. A leather-bound book sat on one side of the desk with the company logo branded into the leather, right beside the in-tray and a dark grey phone.
On the other side was an open folder, an incident report for archiving. Brian sat in the study chair and shuffled closer to the computer, slapping the space-bar to bring the screen to life, showing a data entry form. In the last few years, the company had been digitizing their old records. It was up to interns like Brian to enter the data into the new database.
  “‘Incident’ . . . sub-dimensional fracture, loss of personnel” said Brian, typing as he spoke. “‘Cause’. And, great, it’s left blank.”
Brian flipped through the pages in the folder. The acquisitions order for a blood pack was signed and delivered. He looked at the delivery notice.
  “The artefact was fully covered, the blood was from a young male, and up to date. Fifteenth of the fourth nineteen seventy-three . . . fifteenth of the, wait, tenth. It was six months out of date. Who signed this?”
Checking the signature, Brian added ‘Blood out of date’ to the ‘Cause’ section, then scrolled down to the ‘Notes’ entry and added: ‘Documentation error. Blood was out of date, reported otherwise. Recommend review of Doctor Hansfield.’
Scrolling up to fill in the incident details, he added.
  “Loss of personnel. Barbara F Yates, Mentally Incapacitated. Kevin Hansfield, Deceased.”
Staring at it for a moment, He scrolled down to ‘Notes’ and removed the comment about Dr Hansfield.
Suddenly, the phone rang. Brian picked it up and spoke into it.
  “Hello?” he said.
  “Ryan, it’s Morrissey, are you managing the Cabinet?”
  “My name’s actually Brian,” said Brian. “And no. Lucas manages archives, I’m just an intern. Do you want me to transfer . . .” Brian stood up and glanced over at Lucas’ office. It was empty, he was on holidays. A lot of people were, it was approaching Christmas break. “Uh, Lucas isn’t in.”
  “There’s an issue with the database, we can’t access a certain file. Do you have a pen?
  “I do now . . .” says Brian, opening the drawer and grabbing a pen and post-it notes.
  “We need a file from Nineteen Fifty-Eight. Operation ‘Jack Frost’, can you look that up?
  “Sure . . .” said Brian, saving and closing the entry form. He searched for ‘JACK FROST’, setting the date between the 50’s and 60’s. “Uh . . . ‘frost giant’, ‘jack in the box’, ‘jack-hammer’. No, there’s no Jack Frost.”
  “It might be Nineteen Twenty-Seven,” said Morrissey.
Brian tried again, removing the date, searching all dates and times. There were over thirty results found.
  “I’ve got ‘frosty’, ‘frost knight’ and ‘jack the ripper’ . . . there’s no Jack Frost. It probably hasn’t been digitized.”
  “Then we need you to head into the archives,” said Morrissey. “Can you bring that file to my office? Please run, this is urgent.
He hung up the phone, Brian heard dial tone.
  “Great . . .” he murmured, and he stood up from his desk, grabbing his key-card and lanyard from the desk drawer, as well as the post-it note. He headed around the cube farm to the desk where the secretary was sitting. She was a large woman, with jowls like a pitbull. She looked like she should have been a cranky old lady, but she was incredibly sweet. Brian almost wished she was more of a curmudgeon; in this depressing atmosphere, her bubbly voice made him feel unsettled.
  “Edith, I need to head to archives, can you get Greg?”
  “Absolutely,” she said with a smile, and she slid a little microphone closer to her and pressed a button on its base. “Greg? This is Edith, we need you in Archiving, can you come here, please? Over.”
  “Roger that, over,” came the reply.
Edith smiled as they waited.
  “Do you have any plans for Christmas?” Edith asked, cheerily.
  “Uh . . . no,” said Brian. “Last time I had a party, all my friends kind of exploded, so I think I’ll have a quiet night in with a bottle of grog.”
  “Oh, I see,” she said with a smile.
She’s a robot. Definitely some kind of android, or zombie, Brian thought to himself. Nobody's that happy. Or maybe she’s on drugs, some kind of chill pill. There was a rumour around the water cooler that the guys in the field had pills that made them go numb when they had to face off against sub-dimensionals.
The glass door swung open, and a tan guy with a five-o’clock shadow and a bullet-proof vest stepped into the office.
  “Hey, Greg,” said Brian, with a wave, but the man ignored him.
  “What’s the job?” said Greg, in an accent that could have been Italian or French, but not quite either.
  “Escort. Brian here just needs to take a trip to Archives,” said Edith.
Greg gave her a sharp nod, then looked at Brian.
  “Come on, boy,” he said.
Brian walked over to him then out the door towards the hall, with Greg in tow. He pressed the down button and waited for the elevator.
  “Sorry, I know it sucks,” said Brian, but Greg didn’t speak.
“I’m sure you’d rather be out in the field than . . . well, babysitting the new guy as he looks for a file.”
  “Have you been in the field?” said Greg, not looking at him.
  “Uh, no . . .” said Brian.
  “If you had, you wouldn’t say that,” he said coldly.
The elevator arrived and they stepped inside.
Over a year ago, there had been an incident in the Archives. Records of prior missions were often kept with associated documents, which sometimes included ritual performance schedules, graphical representation of sigils and pronunciation guides for related spells, when a senior archivist had given himself a papercut on a folder, the result let loose a plague boar, killing the archivist and several employees before it could be contained. So, management finally decided to purge all paper documentation, and digitize over a century of archived records; but for the safety of all personnel, it was now company policy to be escorted to Archive Rooms with an armed guard, and for all workers handling files to wear two layers of latex gloves.
Not that Brian felt safer with Greg behind him. Some of those incantations were ancient, and just looking at them could cause them to become active. Most sigils which were that dangerous had been redacted or censored, but after working in archives for three months now Brian knew how often these records contained mistakes, or just plain left out large chunks of information.

They stepped out of the elevator on a basement level and approached a single, wooden door, painted white, which had a piece of paper attached with blu-tac. In the middle of the piece of paper was an image of a rectangle with an eye in the middle, and the whole thing had a circle around it, several lines, and swirls and writing which looked like a mix between Arabic and Japanese.
  “Kuuruk nng'rnshagn,” said Greg, speaking with a croaky, ingressive tone as he placed his hand on the symbol. Brian felt a shiver as though there was a rush of air, then Brian stepped forward and swiped his key-card over the scanner. With a click it unlocked, and Greg opened the door.
  “Be quick,” he said, and as Brian headed inside, Greg stood in the doorway.
The room was flanked either side with rows of filing cabinets, neatly labelled and signed and sorted. However, in the middle of the room was a row of thin, metal shelves, packed with cardboard archiving boxes which smelled like mildew. Brian turned to a small table by the door with a box of latex gloves, put on a pair and headed for the shelves in the middle of the room. It was only after the development of digital inkjet printers in 1970 that management decided to file documents in separated files within cabinets. Anything before then was stored the old-fashioned way. Brian went down the racks, looking at the embossed tape labels stuck to the boxes: ‘1933.5-1933.10’ . . . ‘1935-1936.7’ . . . ‘1940e-1940s’
It was a mess of poor labelling over the years, but he crouched down to find a box labelled ‘1957-1959.2’. With a wary eye on Greg, whose hand was on his gun holster, Brian carefully opened the lid, and could smell the age of the yellowing papers within, and saw several brown-leather ring binders, and each was embossed with the old logo of the company, a crossed knife and fork over a shield, with the words ‘The Kitchen’ written underneath. He removed the binders cautiously, checking the label on the spine as he removed each, till he found one that spanned 1958.
He opened it up. On the inside of the binder’s front cover was a beautifully painted red symbol of a pentacle with a hand in the middle, and inhuman writing, like Arabic mixed with Japanese, around the edges. On his first day in the archives, Lucas had explained that during the first World War, the old binders had been sealed, so that they couldn’t be viewed remotely. He assured Brian that it was safe, so long as he didn’t rip or tear the documents in any way. The sections of the binder were separated by thick, orange divider tabs, marked with the date. Brian carefully peeled open the pages at each divider to read the cover page of the documents, for the operation code-name. ‘Operation: CIRCUS TENT’, ‘Operation: PHILIPPIDES’, ‘Operation: NOAH’ and in the middle of the binder:
‘Operation: JACK FROST’.
Leaving the binder on the floor, Brian went to the desk in the back of the room, where he was supposed to review files, and opened the drawer to grab a spare manila folder, and wrote “Operation: Jack Frost’ on the tab with a pen, then he returned, opened the rings of the binder and removed the dot-matrix printer pages and divider card, and put them in the new folder.
He quickly clipped shut, closed and replaced the binder, then put it back in its box, shelved it, and walked back to the desk. He ripped off his gloves and dropped them in the bin beside the desk, then picked it up and walked over to Greg.
  “Job done,” he said, holding up the folder. Greg stepped out of the way and Brian stood in the hall as the security guard closed the door and placed his hand on the door’s sigil.
  “Hrangshk nng'rnshagn,” he said, once more in that croaky, ingressive tone, sending a shiver down Brian’s spine as there was a sound of rushing air, then silence.

CHAPTER 2: ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

Greg left Brian on his own as he returned to his post, but Brian took the elevator to the thirty-third floor. He stepped out onto one of the highest management levels. They had nice, dark green carpet and clean, eggshell-white walls with several rooms around the edge of the level walled by glass panels. The glass panels were all milky-white, except for the conference room in the middle, a rectangular room with a conference table and over a dozen chairs that was in the centre of the floor. Brian would have approached Morrissey’s office, but he saw his tall, skinny form in the conference room with two other men, and a woman, none of which he recognized. They were talking animatedly, but the glass was soundproof. He walked around to the side, where there was a door, and tapped on the glass.
Morrissey looked up, and waved him inside.
As Brian pushed the door open, he broke the soundproof seal and heard a voice speaking on the speaker-phone in the middle of the room.
  “-the source to a Northern section of Morningside. The cold-front is moving West, but isn’t spread to the coast.”
Morrissey waved for Brian to stand behind his chair, and waited, listening.
  “Then it’s not an atmospheric web,” said the stern-looking woman, in an accent so posh it was almost English. “That would be contained, this is following weather patterns.”
  “I think we’re facing another Jack Frost situation,” said Morrissey, and he turned to Brian “Mister Lockburn, can you give us a run-down of that operation?”
Brian’s eyes went wide, and he stammered, looking at the others, then the file in his hands.
  “Uh . . .” he opened the file, making awkward exhaling noises as he flicked through some pages before recognizing an authorization order. “Da dada . . . here, unauthorized summon, area of effect absorbs thermal energy, radiating low-temperature in an expanding area of effect. Operations Manager Cline pinpointed the focal point of the radiating cold, and authorized an outfitted response team of seven personnel. Shaun Tierney, first class combatant with a Level Q thaumaturgical reading, LR license; Rachel McBride, first class combatant with, uh. . .” Brian glanced up and saw the managers looking at him expectantly, so he flipped through some more pages, before finding a debriefing transcript.
“Uhhh, here we go. It, uh . . . the summon was a level five, from a lyrical incantation, less than ten degrees centigrade, human sacrifice. Results in a two-point-seven metre tall physical construct. It says ‘undead flesh’ in brackets with a question mark, I um . . . I don’t know what that means, but it mentions a breath weapon, from an unknown non-terrestrial energy, with an affect akin to liquid nitrogen. Weaknesses to heat and flame, dismemberment. Oh, and it says ‘music’ here, in brackets, with another question mark.”
Brian looks up from the file.
A larger man with a beard and slicked-back hair was stroking his chin.
  “Fits the profile. But we should include redundancies, in case this is bigger than we’ve expected. There’ve been close calls before,” he said in a deep, resonant voice.
  “I concur, do we have a time-frame, Charles?” asked the businesswoman
  “The Bureau of Meteorology says that this will reach Hervey Bay by midnight, Rockhampton by morning.” said the voice on the phone “But the focal point of the cold-front is dropping by three degrees every hour, if we don’t act in the next . . . six or seven hours, the Brisbane River could freeze over.
  “We’ll split the difference, call it a three-hour deadline, for safety,” said the large bearded man. “I can get a team suited and booted in fifteen minutes. Is this your man, David?”
  “He can be,” said Morrissey, turning to Brian. “Are you ready for a field op’, Ryan?”
  “My name’s actually Brian,” said Brian quietly.
  “Brian?” said Morrissey.
  “Yes,” said Brian, much louder.
  “Alright, then,” said the bearded man, turning to the others, “We’re on a tight clock, David, I need your boy at the catering trucks in ten minutes, in field dress. I think we can call this adjourned.”
  The businesswoman nodded and hung up the speaker phone, then everyone stood up.
  “What?” said Brian, but Morrissey placed a hand on his back and walked him to the door.
  “This is your first time out in the field, yes?” said Morrissey.
  “What. No. What. I’m just an intern,” said Brian, panicked. Morrissey walked him to the elevator as the others returned to their offices around the meeting room. “I’m not ready.”
  “This is how it works here, Brian. You’re never ready for your first operation, until you’re pissing your pants in the middle of the slaughterhouse,” said Morrissey. “That’s what field experience means. But don’t look so scared; you’re not a Stove combatant, just a Cabinet consultant. Your job is to gather information, advise your team-mates as you go and keep a record of the mission progress. You’ll be safe.”
  “I dunno, Mister Morrissey,” said Brian. “There are senior members in the Cabinet more suited for this. And I wasn’t volunteering, I was saying how to pronounce my name and-”
  “Brian, the fact of the matter is that we’re approaching Christmas holidays, and a lot of our members are on break,” Morrissey paused to press the elevator call button. “I’m selecting you because you’ve got a clear head, an able body and you’re here. To be frank, a lot of the people that don’t go on holidays have mental issues and so aren’t suitable for field work, but you cleared your psychiatric. Do this, and a promotion will be in the your near future.”
  “So, I risk everything in the field, and I get . . . a promotion?”
  “Yes. Junior Archivist, how does that sound?” said Morrissey as the elevator doors opened.
  “Sounds underpaid,” snarked Brian. Morrissey laughed and gave him a slap on the back which nudged him into the elevator car  “This is government-funded. We’re all underpaid! Just don’t lose your cool, and you’ll be fine.”
  “Don’t lose my cool?” said Brian.
  “Exactly, you’ve got it,” said Morrissey as the doors began to close. “Oh, and bring your grimoire.”
The doors closed and Brian was staring dumbstruck at the shiny, metal doors.
Field operation. I’m going out in the field to face a snow monster. I’ve only worked here for four months, and now I’m going to die.
When the elevator door opened, he just trudged out and made his way towards his desk.
  “Good afternoon, Brian,” said Edith, ignoring the look of shock on his face. “Did you find the file you were looking for?”
  “Yeah . . .” said Brian, blankly , heading past the secretary. “I’m going on a field op’.”
  “Oh, good luck, Brian!” she said cheerily. Brian ignored her and picked up the leather-bound book on his desk, a company-issued grimoire, as well as the briefcase under it. He opened the briefcase and placed the Jack Frost file and grimoire inside.
The top of the briefcase came with brown, leather compartments with pens; notepads; chalk; six candles of red, white and black wax; a windowed sigil pocket & a phone holster. There was even a compartment for a handgun and ammunition, but as he was just an intern and hadn’t passed his firearms test, this pocket of his briefcase was empty.
Closing up his briefcase, Brian headed for the elevator to head down to the locker room to get changed.
For the sake of security, the Kitchen did not have a standard uniform for field operations. After all, if several spies were walking around wearing the same brand of black suit, black tie and black sunglasses, they would be much easier to identify. Instead, operatives were given a small uniform budget and bought their own clothing with the instruction that it should be “professional, yet suitable for running, fighting and sorcery”. However, there was one standard part of the uniform, and that was shoes. A beautiful pair of shiny, black leather semi-brogue oxford dress shoes, which were somehow incredibly light. Most of the people believed that this was because professional-looking dress shoes which you could run in were too expensive for the uniform budget, so the company bought them in bulk; however, Brian believed - because of the way that perforated venting holes of the dotted broguing in the leather facing were arranged in a strange pattern that looked like an eye on a radiant, column with swirls around it - that they were supposed to help with sorcery in some way. In reality, these two theories were not mutually exclusive, and the truth was somewhere in the middle.

Brian stepped out of the locker rooms wearing a pair of black denim jeans; a white business shirt, a dark grey sports jacket, a black tie and standard-issue shoes, with his briefcase in hand. Because the uniform budget wasn’t very high, he had bought cheap jeans and a second-hand sports jacket, but he thought he looked pretty good anyway. He’d seen co-workers come back from missions wearing silk vests and big brand trousers, so he assumed they either paid out of their own pocket, or interns drew the short straw when it came to the budget.
Because he was low on time, Brian jogged to the stairwell to head down to Level B3, the company garage level. The stairwell smelt like cigarette smoke, but he opened the door and stepped out into the carpark, a short space with two rows of white pillars and car spaces running down either side. There was an area in the centre for more rows of cars, but this was left open, and created an ominous space of black-top just in front of the ramp leading up and out of the carpark. This unnerved Brian, he imagined large-scale rituals performed in the middle of the carpark; late night arrangements by company executives of an even more secretive nature than the top floors, or perhaps even an underground reception area for company visitors too large or geometrically incompatible to safely enter the ground floor.
  “Bry? What the hell, man . . .” said a voice behind him, with a heavy New Zealander accent. Brian turned to see O-J, a fat man with a shaved head that he’d spoken to at lunch occasionally, since they both liked heavy metal. “They picked you for Cab’ consult? Damn, you must be shittin’ yourself!”
O-J wore a blue business shirt and trousers, he’d opened his shirt revealing a large, white singlet underneath, and his tie was hanging from his trouser pocket.
  “What are you doing here?” asked Brian, heading over
  “Packin’ the van, cuz’,” said O-J, gesturing to a van behind him, “Me and Digby are settin’ you up for an op’. You read your file?”
  “Not yet. I just got changed.”
  “Get readin’, cuz, do you know what you gotta do? Boys’ll be here in five, and you’re the archive expert,” he said, then he turned back to help Digby with the truck.
Panicked, Brian looked around for a chair, but since this was a carpark, he instead sat cross-legged on the tarmac, grabbed the ‘Jack Frost’ file from the briefcase and read through some of the files within.
Five minutes later with military precision, a pair of shiny, black Jeeps drove down the ramp and parked side-by-side in the middle of the carpark. Without shutting off the engine, the doors opened, and eight people stepped out of the cars. There were three women and five men, and each was wearing a black, hooded peacoat with a grey combat vest underneath, with business trousers and standard-issue shoes.
Stove Agents, personnel specially trained to fight physical threats encountered by the Kitchen, using specially crafted weaponry and supernaturally-conscious tactics.
As if by nature, like water flowing to fill an ice-cube tray, the agents closed the car doors and stood to the side of the trucks in two straight rows of four, then the cars turned around and drove back up the ramp. The tall woman with short, black hair standing at the edge of the front row of agents, turned to Brian.
  “Are you the Consultant?” said the woman.
  “Yes, I’m Brian,” he said, standing up. He put the file back into his briefcase as he walked over, and closing it up he held out his hand to shake. She accepted it, and he realized she was wearing brown, leather gloves; in fact, all of the agents were wearing a pair of gloves of some form or another.
  “Senior Sergeant Boone,” she said shaking with an unexpectedly firm grip. “We’re ready to go, we’re merely waiting on a location. Have you got an address? Co-ordinates?”
  “Address? Well, no,” said Brian, awkwardly. “I’ve only just been roped into this, I’m still getting up to speed. But, if we know the extent of our snowstorm, the focal point will be the closest to the summoned phenomenon. The catering truck should have access to the weather map.”
  “Catering truck?” said Boone, frowning.
  “Yeah . . . uh, that’s what the guys call the fieldwork vehicles,” said Brian. The agents were all staring at his expectantly, so he slowly turned around and headed for the truck. “This way . . .”
The others didn’t follow, watching as he walked over to the white, windowless van, sitting low on its suspension and with a dark windscreen.
“All set, O-J?” Brian asked, as he saw the large man beside the vehicle.
  “Hundred ’cent, cuz,” says O-J, drawing open the sliding door, as he did, a short, stocky guy in overals stepped out. “Eh, Bry. Good luck, eh?”
  “Thanks,” said Brian, and he jumped inside, heading for the back. The inside of the van was lit with fluorescent lights, to display two benches either side of the truck, with overhead bins and a stack of compartments against the cage separating the driver from the back. At the rear was a very small desk with a laptop and attached vehicle router, phone and what looked like a scanner without a lid. Brian sat in the tiny stool at the desk, and as he heard Boone command the other agents to head for the truck, he used what time he had in solitude to open the laptop, and quickly looked up information on the current snowstorm.
As the agents walked to the truck, Brian found a weather radar which showed a storm reaching from the Brisbane CBD to Tingalpa. At a glance, he could see the centre of the storm was in Morningside, close to the Brisbane River.
The Stove agents marched up to the van and one by one began to clamber inside. Brian turned to speak, but the sound of their boots on the metal floor was too loud to speak over. Seven of the agents came and sat on the benches in the back of the van, and as Senior Sergeant Boone slid the door shut and locked it, she tapped on the cage.
  “Alright, Brian,” she said, holding onto a bar on the roof. “Do you know where we’re headed?”
  “Morningside, preferably more north than south.”
  “Did you get that, Ferguson?” asked Boone. The driver responded by starting the engine. Boone sat down and looked over at Brian as the van made its way out of the carpark, the passengers swaying and bobbing with the motions.
“What are we looking at, Brian?” Boone said to Brian.
  “Situation, Codename: ‘Jack Frost’,” said Brian, speaking up so the others could all hear him. “All intel suggests that you’re up against a cold-based summon. It’s pieced together from its victims, so it can vary in shape and size, but last known entity was around three-metres tall. The bigger it is the stronger it is, so expect something big and tall. It gains power by absorbing surrounding heat in an area of effect that grows larger over time; so, where we’re going is gonna be cold as hell. Also, it had a kind of freezing breath weapon, and can freeze with its touch.”
  “How do we kill it?” asked one of the agents, a young blond man, handsome except for a crooked scar across his nose. The others smirked at what he said.
  “Burn the sucker,” said Brian. “Or, cut it into pieces; there’s data that suggests that ice holds the frozen body parts together, so melting those could make it fall to pieces. This file is limited, since we’ve only ever faced codename ‘Jack Frost’ once before, there’s nothing about mental capacity or ultimate goals, and there’s nothing to suggest that it’s immune to magic or gunfire. However, since it’s already made up of dead parts, I don’t recommend that you fill it with bullets.”
Brian looked around the van, and felt a little chuffed that he’d managed to captivate the attention of the Stove agents on his first mission.
  “Any questions?” asked Brian
  “How was it summoned?” asked Boone.
  “Oh, uh . . . sacrifice and an enchantment. As for who and why, I don’t know yet. The first instance was summoned at a campfire in a mountainside park and it took twelve hours to take it down. This is a pretty rare summon.”
  “Understood,” said Boone, and the passengers went quiet as the driver sped through the twisted, cold streets.

CHAPTER 3: SILENT NIGHT, HOLY NIGHT

Fifteen minutes later, the van came to a stop. The chill of the air outside was seeping through the metal, and the windscreen wipers were flicking side to side to scrape the snow out of the way as quickly as it fell.  The driver switched off the engine and stepped out.
  “Tie your shoes and light the fuse,” said Senior Sergeant Boone, sliding open the door on the side of the truck, “it’s game time, boys.”
All the other agents stood up and headed out of the truck. Brian looked around for a radio or headset, so he could stay in touch, but couldn’t find one. He turned to see Boone stick her head inside the truck once more.
  “Oh, Sergeant? Is there a radio headset in here?”
  “Radio? You don’t need a radio” said Boone stepping into the truck and glaring at him. “Now, get off your arse, kid. We need you out here.”
She disappeared from view and, nervously, Brian stood, grabbed his suitcase and followed the rest of the guys out of the truck. He stepped out and the cold hit him like a slap in the face. He’d never travelled beyond Australia, so he wasn’t used to cold weather. To him, it was akin to opening the freezer door. Then pulling out the frozen vegetables and chicken wings and stepping inside.
Boone slid the door shut behind him with a clunk.
  “What’s going on, don’t consultants stay in the truck? I can advise from there.”
  “You’re leading the way. We don’t have a defined location, yet, we need you on foot,” said Boone. As she spoke, mist poured from her mouth like smoke.
  “Right, location . . .” Brian muttered, looking around. Dead ahead was a large tyre and auto store; beside that, a cafe; a golfing supply store; a car dealership. He turned around and saw the carpark of a small shopping centre. Everything was covered in a small blanket of snow, and there were flecks still falling from the sky around them. But the shopping centre stood out. The air was slightly misty, and what he could see of the glass sliding doors were frosted over with fernlike trails of ice around the edges.
  “It must be there,” said Brian, pointing at the store, and reading the sign. “Little Lytton Square.”
  “Alright. Lead the way,” said Boone.
  “Lead the way?” said Brian. “I don’t have combat training. That can’t be safe.”
  “Fine . . . Ferguson?” said Boone. A half-Asian looking man with a clean-shaven head turned and nodded towards the Senior Sergeant. “You’re babysitting. Keep Brydon here alive.”
  “Brian,” corrected Brian.
  “Alright,” said Ferguson, with a thick Australian accent. “Do as I say, and you won’t die.”
  “That’s reassuring,” said Brian, and he began to walk towards the shopping centre, with Ferguson by his side, and the other members following a few steps behind.
  “Two things you gotta know,” said Ferguson as they approached the doors of the shopping centre. “First, if I say ‘quiet’, or ‘hush’ or ‘shoosh’, be absolutely silent and get down.”
  “Okay. Quiet and get down,” said Brian nervously, his teeth chattering from the cold and the nerves. “What’s the second thing?”
  “If I tell you to get back, look at my gun,” he said, and he drew his gun to demonstrate. “Where I’m firing is towards the target, so you run in the opposite direction. Got it?”
  “Got it,” said Brian, staring at the gun. He couldn’t take his eyes off of it. It wasn’t a standard firearm, it was Kitchenware. The gun was the size of a sawn-off shotgun, but there was as single, wide barrel. The metal was black, but along the sides were slitted vents, with a bulky battery at the base near the handle, and an ergonomic sliding handgrip that rested alonside the thin vents. He’d never seen one up close, but he could tell that it was a wraith gun. In the Oven, the Research and Development department, they’d discovered a byproduct of their sorcery which could convert almost any form of matter into smoke. Since some creatures had armour, power or dimensions which were unaffected by regular weapons, a wraith gun was one of the more common pieces of weaponry that Stove agents took into the field.
Ferguson holstered the weapon, as they approached the automatic doors. The doors made a heavy groaning sound as they stepped before it. Then, with a crack, the ice broke and the doors shuddered as they slid open, the glass shaking as they did. When they opened, there was an even colder rush of air that made Brian close his eyes and cover his mouth from the sharp, freezing air. And he also heard the familiar sound of cheesy Christmas songs.
. . . giddy-up, Jingle horse, pick up your feet; Jingle around the clock . . .
Managing to slowly open his eyes without his pupils freezing solid, Brian saw that the inside of the centre had a carpet of snow on the ground, an inch thick. He looked beside him and saw that Ferguson’s skin was blotching with red all over his face and the top of his head but otherwise he didn’t react much to the cold. He just looked at Brian and gestured for him to continue. Brian nodded, swallowing the wad of spit that had collected on his tongue as he gritted his teeth, and he stepped onto the snow, the crystals crunching under his feet with every step.
Just past the two stores either side, they entered an open food court.
  “Brian,” said Boone, as she entered the store behind them. “Can you tell me-”
  “Shh!” hushed Ferguson.
  “She was talking to me,” said Brian.
  “SHH!” he repeated through gritted teeth, pulling his weapon.
Brian stepped back as Ferguson knelt down, pointing the wraith gun into the food court. All they heard was the music overheard.
. . . what a bright time, it's the right time, to rock the night away . . .
  “Target?” said another agent in a hushed tone.
  “Possible civilian,” Ferguson said, just loud enough to be heard over the music.
Brian stayed where he was near the entrance and looked over where Ferguson was pointing, and saw a figure wandering through the court, towards them. It looked like a person, with snow in their hair, walking towards them slowly, their feet crunching with each step.
Ferguson, still crouched a bit and pointing his weapon, began to walk towards the target. Following his lead, the others all except for Brian began to draw weapons and close in on the subject.
  “Citizen,” said Boone, speaking up as she moved to advance forward alongside Ferguson, gun drawn. “Are you alright? Can you hear me?”
The person didn’t respond, instead they stretched out their hands in front of them. As they did, there was a crunching sound, like stepping on a potato chip.
  “Get back!” called Ferguson, firing his weapon.
There wasn’t a bang or a pop, instead there was a flash of green light as the gun fired, which made an electric crackling sound, and where the light hit, a portion of the target’s shoulder and upper chest rapidly disintegrated and turned into a thick cloud of angry black and grey smoke, which billowed backwards and rose towards the ceiling.
Half-way along the fore-arm to the hand, where the shot hadn’t hit, dropped off onto the snow. The target, now with a charred, smoking hole where their shoulder once was, turned and looked at the dropped hand, the neck crackling sickly as it moved, and they groaned sadly.
There were two more shots and the head and stomach turned to smoke as well.
The legs collapsed onto the snow, and the soldiers advanced.
  “Brian!” called the Sergeant.
Brian, shivering, shuffled over to join the others. He looked down at the pair of legs, smoking from the waist-up. They were covered in ice-crystals, and by the right foot was a pale forearm. It was eerily quiet but for the sickly sweet carols overhead.
 . . . oh, the weather outside is frightful; but the fire is so delightful . . .
  “What do you make of this?” Boone said.
Brian looked at the corpse, shaking his head.
  “That can’t be the ‘Jack Frost’,” he said, pointing at the hand. “What we are looking for killed four, armed agents; and it’s aggressive. This moves too slowly to have harmed anyone.”
  “You didn’t mention that it could raise the dead,” said a younger, female Stove agent.
  “The file didn’t mention it. Either the file is incomplete or we’re not facing a Jack Frost.”
  “Or both,” added Boone. “Comorbid summons aren’t unheard of.”
  “If that’s the case, I should contact Kitchen and give them the new intel,” said Brian.
Boone nodded.
  “Ferguson, take him to the field office.”
Ferguson nodded and turned back, patting Brian on the back and running out of the centre.
  “Come on, man,” he said, and Brian turned and began to jog.
  “Field office?” said Brian.
  “That what we call, what you call, ‘the catering trucks’,” he replied.
As they headed out of the door, Brian heard one of the agents call out.
  “We’ve got another one!”
Brian turned back, but Ferguson barked at him.
  “Come on! They got this, do your job.”
Brian nodded and they made their way back to the van. It was still freezing outside, but compared to the icy interior of the mall it was like seeing the sun on a cold morning.
Ferguson opened up the sliding door, and Brian jumped in, nearly slipping as the ice on his feet slid on the metal floor. He fell into the chair and grabbed the phone, using the Cabinet auto-dial on the face of the unit. Pressing it to his ear, the phone made an unusual whirring, buzzing noise, then clicked. Brian waited for a response, but the other end didn’t speak. He wondered if the phone was broken.
  “ . . . hello?” he said.
  “Who is this?” came the reply.
  “Um, Brian Lockburn,” he said, feeling unsure, “. . . I’m an intern at Cabinet Archives.”
  “Understood,” came the reply, and there was a pause.
Brian waited, wondering if perhaps it was the wrong number.
  “Connecting you with Operations Manager Ridcully now,” said the phone, and there was a series of clicks, like a typewriter.
  “This is Ridcully,” said the phone.
  “Sir, this is Brian, cabinet consultant for the field operation, the ‘Jack Frost’ situation. Something’s not right down here, sir, we’re seeing reanimates. My, uh, the agent in charge said I should inform you. There’s a chance we may have bad intel, sir. This might not be a ‘Jack Frost’.”
  “Hold up,” said Ridcully, and Brian recognized his deep voice as that of the bearded man he’d seen in the conference earlier. He heard soft breathing, then there was the sound of a beep. When he spoke again, his voice sounded slightly muffled. “I’m contacting Archives now. But Lockburn, tell your commander that management’s considered other avenues; this is a ‘Jack Frost’. If you’re seeing reanimates, then you need to pull double-duty. Contain the- hello? Morrissey?
  “Speaking,” replied David Morrissey’s voice, and Brian realized he had been roped into a conference call. So, he turned to Ferguson, standing by the door.
  “Tell Boone, this is confirmed a ‘Jack Frost’ situation; These frost-zombies are part of the mission too.”
Ferguson turned away to speak into his radio and Brian returned to the phone.
  “ . . . still confirmed ‘Jack Frost’, but could we also be seeing a ‘Haitian Legion’?” said Ridcully
  “No, the parasite dies off in cold temperatures. Lockburn?
  “Yes, sir?” said Brian.
  “Are the reanimates capable of speech?
  “No sir, mild groans and grunts, it seems,” says Brian. “And they are frozen stiff, they move slowly, and their limbs crack as they do.”
  “Crack?” said Morrissey
  “Yeah, they’re covered in ice, it may be related to the unknown energy used by the ‘Jack Frost’ target.”
  “That’s new . . .” says Morrissey. “Lockburn, collect what information you can on this phenomenon. And take a note of calling an Oven rep’ along with the clean-up crew.
  “Yes, sir,” said Brian.
  “And Mr Lockburn?” added Ridcully, “Warn Field Commander Boone, she could be facing a caster.
  “Yes, sir, of course,” said Brian, and then he heard a dial tone. Brian hung up the phone and turned towards Ferguson. But when he turned around, he couldn’t see him. Brian stepped out of the truck and looked out.
“Ferguson?!” he called out, but there was only silence.

CHAPTER 4: THE FROST WAS CRUEL

Brian looked around nervously, rubbing his arms to try to stay warm. He tried to remember if Ferguson had told him to stay there, but couldn’t remember.
Earlier, he said I should stay with him if I wanted to live, and I very much do . . .
Brian slid the door to the van shut and turned to the small shelving compartments, searching through them until he found a large headset with cosy earmuffs and a microphone. But the headset had an audio cable which wasn’t plugged into anything. He checked more compartments for a radio or a walkie talkie, and instead found a fuel can; a tackle box; a megaphone; water bottles; silver stakes; yellow caution tape & a reinforced, pill-shaped speaker which definitely wasn’t a radio, and he figured must have been a banshee grenade; but, no sign of a radio.
He considered the megaphone, but quickly changed his mind at the thought of a giant frozen monster coming to shut him up for good. He wanted, desperately, to stay in the truck. Whilst quite cold, at least it wasn’t as freezing as it was outside, and he definitely didn’t want to die, running into the field. But, he also had valuable intel for the Senior Sergeant which could help her and her team to stay alive; and worse, if he didn’t go out to do his assignment and get further information on the frost zombies, he might lose his job. Sliding open the van door once more, Brian stepped out and made his way back to the shopping centre.
The Kitchen doesn’t hire, so it doesn’t fire. The people employed by the Kitchen are usually  survivors of supernatural phenomena, or occasionally victims; Brian himself was brought on board after the latest piss-up with his mates had started with tequila and ended with a blood orgy by a couple of gate-crashing cultists. The resulting bloodbath and brainwashing left the place a visceral mess and still gave him nightmares, but he survived to join the Kitchen, and he was very thankful for the opportunity.
However, if he lost his job he wouldn’t be unemployed, he would be demoted. And demotion was a frightening prospect in the Kitchen, with words like “Janitor”, “Evidence Disposal”, “Test subject” and even “Organic Material” used to describe demotees.

The air from his mouth turned to fog with every shivering breath. Snow fell onto the shoulders of his jacket as he walked up to the glass doors and they automatically slipped open. He walked into the freezing space, staring out at the ice-blanketed food court, listening to the sickly sweet carol over the speakers.
. . . I gave you my heart; But the very next day, you gave it away . . .
In the distance, he heard the familiar crackle of a wraith gun.
  “Boone?” he called out in a harsh whisper, his mouth feeling dry in the cold.
Snow crunching underfoot, he moved as quick as he could through the food court, sticking to the left side, so that he wasn’t completely exposed, and he saw people in the long stretch of hallway just past the food court. Before he could call to them, he quickly saw that there were more than eight. And they weren’t walking so much as shuffling.
Brian stopped, perfectly still, but as he watched them he saw that they were all heading the other way. He was wondering why and looking around, till he noticed the tightly-packed set of footprints heading down the middle of the walkway. They must have been the Stove agent bootprints, and the frost-zombies were following them. He looked around for another way, but there was more crackling wraith-gunfire down the hall and a loud, inhuman yell that sounded like a snort.
  “Oh . . . shit,” said Brian.
Heading down the hall, he stuck to the right side, since it had the greatest distance from the dozens and dozens of zombies wandering down the snow-covered tiles. He speed-walked, crouching down, but as he walked past, the sound of his standard-issue shoes on the snow made the icy corpses turn to face him.
  “Uhhh . . . shit,” he said, moving as fast as he could as they turned to walk towards him, their knees and necks making snapping, cracking sounds. “Shit shit shit shit shit.”
Just past a florist’s shop, there was a corner which he turned down to escape the hoard following him. The corner lead to another sliding door, just down a fifteen metre walkway, but there were another five or so frost-zombies staggering around. The zombies behind him groaned, alerting the others in the walkway, which turned around, stiffly.
  “Great job, Brian!” Brian growled at himself, looking around, panicked. “You’ve surrounded yourself with god-damned ice-zombies.”
He looked in the centre of the walkway. There was a potted fern and a courtesy seat nailed to the floor. Behind him was a florist and a noodle shop, the rest of the shops were behind a slowly enclosing circle of frozen bodies. As they neared him, he saw their faces. Some were frozen in horror, others had half-closed eyes. One clearly had fallen down, their face was flattened on one cheek and the side of their forehead, then snap-frozen in time in a misshapen glare. Several men, a woman, a little girl. Then, he recognized one of them. He was blonde, with a scar across his nose. His peacoat was covered in snow, he hadn’t recognized him, but he was a Stove agent.
Brian didn’t know what was more disturbing, the fact that he had died and been reanimated as frozen deli meat, or the fact that his left arm was twisted and crushed by something that was clearly very powerful. But more than that, Brian knew that he was armed. There was a gun, still frozen in his good hand.
The frost-zombies were slowly closing in. With a heavy, misty sigh Brian looked at the young, blond agent.
  “I’m really, really sorry about this,” he said, and he leapt at the kid, grabbing at the gun with one hand, and his neck with the other.
It was like he had grabbed a block of ice, the flesh was rigid and frozen under his fingers. His fingers quickly felt stingingly cold, like freezer-burn. He also tugged at the gun, but the agent’s fingers were frozen around it.
At first, he was confused, but then with a groan, he opened his mouth and screamed. His voice was hoarse, but he let out a billowing mist of cold air and particles of ice. Brian felt pressure on his skull as the cold gave him a brain-freeze and tightened the skin around his face. He was so cold and shaking, and it burned to put pressure on his cold muscles, but with a grunt he lifted his leg and gave him a kick. The agent frost-zombie fell back, and with a sick crack the gun came out of his hand. Brian turned and tried to hold it, but the trigger was stuck. He looked at it, and saw that frozen fingers were still stuck on the gun. Using his thumb to poke them through the trigger-guard, he pointed it at the other zombies and fired as quick as he could.
Head. Leg. Head. Neck. Leg. Head. He kept firing, point and shoot, until the zombies all around him fell down. When he felt satisfied that he was safe, he saw that the end of the gun was smoking, so he brought it to his lips and blew it, like he’d seen done on TV. But his teeth were chattering from the cold, so it made a weird sound.
Exhausted, he doubled over, and put his hand on his knees, to catch his breath. He closed his eyes for a second, and tried to calm his breathing.
  “Brian!” called out Ferguson. Brian looked up to see the half-Asian agent running over.
  “What are you doing? Why do you have a weapon?”
  “Came for . . .” Brian swallowed, trying to catch his breath, but it was hard when the air was so cold. “Intel. Target may . . . caster. Could be a magic. Tell Boone.”
Slowly, Ferguson grabbed his radio.
  “Boone, this is Ferguson. Target may be a caster. I repeat, target may be a caster, over.”
  “Good,” said Brian, standing up straight, “job done, there.”
  “Why are you out of the field office?” said Ferguson. “For everyone’s safety, I’m going to escort-”
  “Roger that, Ferguson,” said his radio, sparking to life. “Be advised, target-
Suddenly what looked like several strings of pink sausages wrapped around Ferguson and he was yanked off his feet. Brian watched, confused, as he flew back fifteen metres, high in the air, towards a large, smoking mass near the entrance to a grocery store. A large, red, snow-coated mass flicked out and grabbed Ferguson like a ragdoll out of the air. Ferguson screamed, but was then pulled it into the smoke, and his scream became silent as there was a sickening crunch.
In the silence that followed, Brian heard the indifferent Christmas playlist overhead.
 . . . he knows when you’ve been bad or good; so be good for goodness sake . . .
The smoking mass was over four metres tall, covered in thick, smoke from wraith-gunshot wounds. But the smoke shifted as it snorted, then began to walk towards him. The smoke wafted behind it, and Brian saw for the first time the massive pile of meat.
With each step he saw its legs. A mass of bones and steak, and mince meat in the shape of a cloven hoof, ham hocks for toes; they were enormous, each footfall advancing over two metres. two interlocked beef carcasses created the body, attached with what looked like permafrost to the many limbs, crunching and grinding with each step. One arm looked like a writhing mass of sausages and intestines, the frozen links clicking together as they moved. The other arm looked to made, somewhat unnervingly, out of stacked chicken and four human arms, creating a kind of claw. The head, atop this monster, was a skinned  and butchered sheep’s head, red and bloody, with icicles jutting out the back like horns or wild hair. The rest had unrecognizeable cuts of meat and viscera, filling out the towering form.
The monster spoke as it walked towards Brian, the jaw opening and closing with a clack as it did. The words were unrecognizeable. Hoarse, hacking consonants and breathing, it sounded like a jabbering rabbi having a seizure, played backwards on a tape recording.
Terrified, Brian raised the wraith gun in his hand, pointing it at the monster, but he saw that the tip of the gun was still smoking. He held it to his face, to see that the edges of the barrel were charred, and slowly turning to smoke.
These guns were pump-action. They didn’t eject rounds, but sliding the hand-grip cleared excess wraith-shot the barrel of the gun. The gun barrel was disintegrating in his hands.
The creature stopped and inhaled sharply. Brian knew, it was going to freeze him to death.
Brian fired the gun at the florist shop’s window and dove through the glass as it turned to smoke. He landed hard, several of the pots on display landed and cracked under him, and there was a sharp pain in his shin as a shard stabbed him, but he heard the sound of screaming wind behind him, and looked up to see a billowing white cloud, with an ethereal blue light, flood the spot where he was standing. The billowing edges of the cloud licked at the shop window, creating spiralling, fern-like patterns over the glass wherever it touched. As the icy breath stopped, the monster leant down and the black, frosty eyes of the skinned lamb’s head fell upon him. With a grunt it adjusted its shoulders, cold mist hissing out of the seams in its form. It thrust its left arm into the shop, shattering the frosted glass. Brian rolled out of the way, clawing at the shelves to stand up as the cold, dead fingers crack and twitch, reaching for him. He looked around, and saw a door behind the service counter, with the words 'STAFF ONLY' written on it. He ran for it, but there was a sharp stinging in his leg as he stepped on his right foot.
He cried out, but ignored it, limp-hopping to the door and pushing through. It was pitch dark inside, but he closed and locked the door, then fumbled around the wall, looking for a lightswitch. His knuckles slapped against something metal, which made his hand throb, but he managed to find a switch on the wall right against the doorframe.
There was a buzzing sound as the lights flickered, then came on, showing a small workshop with shelves of empty pots, jars and vases; racks of ribbon and cellophane by the side; a wooden table in the centre with toolboxes, scissors, sticky tape, jugs & bits of leaf and stem strewn all over with bags of dirt and buckets stored underneath. There was a raised stool by the table bench which Brian limped to and sat on to look at his leg. It was bleeding a lot.
He looked around for a medkit or bandages, but beside him was just a potted peony and a pair of pruning shears. With little else he could do, he reached across to the sticky tape.
There was a loud bang against the door that made him jump. Then it began to groan, from a great weight pushing against it. Then he heard the creature speak again. Hoarse groaning and snarling, like a dog trying to bark backwards, or a suffocating walrus. Trying to ignore it, Brian pulled up his trouser-leg to see the inch-long, but very deep cut, which turned his stomach when he realized how similar the flesh looked to the raw meat of the monster outside. He wrapped three layers of tape over the cut; it looked dreadful, and blood still dripped through the plastic, but it would help keep it a bit closed.
There was a loud bang and a crack, and instinctively, Brian picked up the potted plant, ready to throw it. He looked at the door, and saw that there was a crack in the wood near the bottom edge of the door. There was now a gap in the bottom of the door. He listened carefully, staring at the crack under the door. And heard a soft scraping, trundling noise as several strings of sausages, and frosty intestines began to slither under the door, like snakes sliding on ice. The frozen chains of meat were frozen solid, clattering against the concrete like pebbles. Some of them found the legs of shelves or tables, and began to crawl up, searching for a victim. Brian saw the pruning shears, and placing the flowers on his lap, he picked up the large scissors and watched wearily as sausage links, meat strips and viscera slid across the floor, under the table and around the shelves.
One of the links crawled up the table, and began to snake over the surface of the wood. It was made of thin, pink, frozen sausages. he held the shears over the sausages, ready to snip if they found him, but Brian swallowed a lump in his throat when he saw that they had crimson ice, splattered over them, a deep red. His lips trembled, as he remembered Ferguson, being crushed by the monster. Not wanting to risk it, he put the pruning shears back down his lap, then picked up the pot in his lap and threw the peonies at the door. As soon as they smacked into the wood, the meat-tendrils lashed at it, snatching it before it hit the ground and ripped it through the gap in the door, the plastic pot popping, spraying dirt all over the floor.
Then there was silence for a moment. Brian could only hear his breathing, and the faint tingling of music.
. . . a merry, little Christmas; let your heart be light. From now on . . .
He heard the sound of the creature inhaling sharply. Then, a white mist, with a soft, blue light, came flooding through the bottom of the door. Brian pulled his feet up, grabbing both legs. The mist quickly covered the floor, then kept billowing upwards, like a boiling cauldron. There was the sound of cracking as the cold broke several glass jars. The cold kept rising, so Brian climbed onto the table, standing up. As he did, he realized his leg wasn't hurting anymore, it had become numb.
  "Please . . . no," he said, his teeth chattering as the room filled with cold. The mist crawled on top of the table, lapping at his shoes, the leather tightening as the cold touched it. The cold stopped rising for a moment, and Brian sighed, before he heard the sound of the creature inhaling once more.
He would have prayed, perhaps; asked God for forgiveness and salvation, but he couldn't. Ever since he's joined the Kitchen, he no longer believed in God. At least, not a loving creator; no benevolent father of mankind. As far as he believed, there was not even a devil to revel in, and live as a selfish heathen, even he was not so indifferent as the universe. No, we live short, painful lives and then we die, and our only hope is that when we die, the energy that is our life-force can dissipate into nothingness, rather than be re-purposed by monstrosities like the 'Jack Frost' subject to become fuel for another twisted ritual . . .

Suddenly, the air rippled as there was an unnatural scream. It sounded like a mixture of a woman's stage scream, and a jet engine. The sound pierced the air like a powerdrill, the jars on the shelves all shattered, the shelves shook violently, and Brian covered his ears, so he wouldn't go totally deaf. But even with ears covered, he could still hear the shriek, and his insides shook as though he were being repeatedly jabbed in the chest by a boxer. He heard a loud bang, then a thud which shook the door, then it buckled in front of him and exploded from its hinges, splinters spraying outwards, bouncing off his suit. The sound stopped, but it left a dull ringing in his ears and he felt like he was going to throw up. Doubled over, he dry-retched, his empty stomach clenching in pain, then he looked up to see the monster. However, he saw nothing, the door had fallen away and the creature was gone. In its place, piles of inanimate, frozen meat and severed body parts had burst into pieces and dropped on the ground.
Then, Senior Sergeant Boone stepped through the doorway.
  "Mister Lockburn? You're injured" she said.
Brian stared at Boone, confused, his ears still ringing.
  "The . . . 'Jack Frost'. It's gone?"
  "The target was drawn into a corner, so we hit it with a banshee bomb," said Boone, holding up a small device that looked like a garage door keyring remote. "Chasing after you must be what backed him into this tight spot."
  "Right . . . well, thank you for saving my life."
  "It's part of my job," she replied.
  "Right," said Brian. "It's dead, then? It's done?"
  "The target has been neutralized," said Boone. "You need to get medical attention."
  "Where are the others?" asked Brian. In response, Boone grabbed her radio.
  "Back room secure. Converge on my mark. Over," she said.
Brian sat down on the edge of the table, the icy mist had all dissipated. He let out a sigh as the music played on overhead.
. . . later we'll have some pumpkin pie, And we'll do some carolling . . .
Brian glances out the door and sees a twisted, frozen foot.
  "I saw one of the agents. A blonde kid . . . and Ferguson. How many agents were lost?"
  "Five," says Boone. She said it coldly, but the way she stared into the middle distance and her jaw tensed Brian knew that she was gritting her teeth to finish the job. "There's a lot of dead to clean up."
  "Right. Ridcully says we need to bring in an Oven rep with the Dishwasher crew. There's a lot of data to collect in here," says Brian, and he felt a cold chill. "A lot of . . . oh my god!"
  "I know it can be confronting, but it's going to be alright," said Boone.
  "No, it won't!" shouted Brian. "There's dead bodies everywhere! I need to find centre management. Or the switchboard - something!"
  "Mister Lockburn, you need to calm down," said the Senior Sergeant.
  "No, you don't understand. The case-file," he said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Sacrifice and incantation. If I'm right, we're all in serious danger."
Boone stared at Brian, confused, until it suddenly dawned on her.
. . . rockin' around the Christmas tree, Have a happy holiday . . .

Kicking in the door to centre management, Brian helped find the background music system, a large box with a DVD-R drive and wires leading under a computer-cluttered desk. He ejected the disk, and the music overhead faded away. The disk was a cheap, silver disk with "Xmas Carrols" written in red permanent marker on the surface.
They returned to the windowless van, and as Boone called head office to request a clean-up crew, Brian put the DVD into the computer, and opened the file. There were 125 audio files on the disk, but none of the names were consistent. Some had underscores and lowercase letters; some were written with proper grammar; some were numbered with a track listing and yet others were just a jumble of randomly generated characters.
  "These look like they were just downloaded from the internet," said Brian, scrolling down the list, until he saw a song that caught his eye: "merrysnowking.MP3" . . . it turned his blood cold.
In the "Operation: JACK FROST" folder, there was a heavily censored sheet of music, the incantation. All of the notes had been blacked out, leaving only the very edges of the five staff lines visible. But the top of the page, it was titled:
Hail to the Merry Snow King, Symphony No. 12 in G Major.
  "Sergeant, can I speak to Ridcully?" said Brian, standing up. Boone nodded,
  "Cabinet consult needs to speak with you," said Boone, and she passed the phone handset to Brian.
  "Mister Ridcully?" said Brian. "I've found the cause of the summon. It appears there was an illicit upload of the summoning incantation online, it was added to the Christmas playlist. I have a copy of the file, so we can get the tech guys to find out where it came from, and track down any more downloads before this happens again."
  "Understood," said Ridcully. "Good work, Lockburn."
  "Thanks, sir," said Brian. "And sir . . . I know it's unorthodox, but could I take this moment to request an early Christmas break?"
  "It's not unorthodox at all, my boy, this was a dire situation. You did well under pressure, you survived. Once you write up your report this evening, take leave and we'll see you next year. Have a Merry Christmas, Mister Lockburn."
  "Thanks a lot," said Brian. He handed the phone back to the Senior Sergeant and collapsed back into his seat.
Brian sat down in the study chair within the lime-green cube that was his office. Slapping the space-bar to bring the computer to life, he opened a new entry in the database.
  "'Incident', unauthorized summon of a cold-emanating entity, embodied within a meat-composite construct within 'Little Lytton Square' shopping centre. Reference: operations file, 'JACK FROST' (1958). Morningside shopping centre . . ."
Brian switched to the internal communications program, and opened an internal correspondence from Ridcully with the incident report. He copied and pasted the names of the deceased, then scrolled down to 'Cause', He began to type in details of the incantation audio file and the suicide of a deli worker which caused the initial summoning, when he stopped.
He scrolled back up to where he'd copied and pasted the content of the correspondence:
Roy Brandis, Deceased (reanimate); Stanley "Sun" Ferguson, Deceased; Nicola Lisa Higgins, Deceased . . .
Brian scrolled to the bottom of the document, to the ‘Notes’ entry and added:
‘Agent Ferguson was a dedicated member of staff, and died in the line of duty while protecting another member of his team. His record should reflect this dedication to protect and serve, and his actions serve as an example to all.’
Reading and re-reading the note, Brian nodded solemnly and scrolled back up, to fill in the rest of the database entry.

Tuesday 6 December 2016

A Bit To Go

I am late. I was meant to write this on November 30th, but I also didn’t write anything on November 30th, so at least I’m consistent. Sure, I know I’m late, but I’m not worried about it, so you shouldn’t be either.
Basically, I am taking a break. I have to. I keep forgetting every time it rolls around. But at the end of the year (and the start of the next year) it is too hot to do anything.
My Beloved talks to me about the idea of having two houses, one in the Northern Hemisphere and the other in the Southern, that way we could move back and forth to the best season. I love that idea, not just because it means we get to jet around the world and I would get to be a global citizen, but because it means I get to avoid my dreaded Summer Brain Melt, which slows my writing down to a sticky, sweaty crawl, every year. Hell, I actually wrote this blog post three days ago, but I'm posting it now because I kept forgetting to do it.

But anyway, back to NaNoWriMo. So, how was the last stretch of writing? Well, I didn’t actually get that much writing done. But, there is some news to share. I went on another Field Research expedition. This time, to a reserve by the Brisbane River. I enjoyed the experience, but unfortunately I didn’t know that “recreation reserves” weren’t just grassy parks. See, when I looked it up on Google Maps, the damn thing looked like a park. I just wanted to go there so that I could get some accurate pictures, and some references for proper imagery. On the one hand, I am incredibly glad that I went out there, because I never could have imagined what I discovered there. But on the other hand, I wish that I had some more warning that some of that reserve was like a damn swamp.
I own waterproof boots, if I’d known it was a bog, I would have brought them. But no, when I got to the co-ordinates that I was searching for, I had to cross a marsh dotted with little islands of grass and weird, red and thin finger-like tendrils which crunched underfoot.
It helps my story, because I wanted the ship to crash here, and being so . . . well, gross, means that people would be less likely to discover it before my main characters do. But, at the same time, I was planning on having the characters face off against a little robot there. The water would make it incredibly hazardous for the little robot, so I will have to plan the story accordingly.

I have the story planned out, and I am officially half-way through! But . . . I’m not actually done. I mean, I’ve written two thousand, two hundred and forty-six (22,464) words, that’s actually less than half of my fifty thousand (50,000) word minimum. But . . . I am not that hard on myself. Because I am not one hundred percent.
Hell, in the three days before this all started, I wrote sixteen thousand, five hundred and fourteen (16,514) words for the Goosebumps Chillogy. I wrote that in three days, and that’s not even including the other blog posts I wrote. That’s almost 40,000 words of fiction written in 30 days month (if I ignore the first five days of November, due to the reboot, then it works out to 30 days).


So, I am still confident that I did a really good job. Sure, it may seem like a technicality, and I definitely failed to reach my aspiring word count, but I don't "feel" like a failure, I haven't fallen prey to the shame-driven aspects of NaNoWriMo.
Because whilst I didn't write the full novel,  did write a butt-load of words in a short amount of time, and that makes me happy.

But now, because of the heat, and because I have been writing non-stop for almost a month and a half, I am taking a short break. I will get back to writing this after Christmas, depending on how the heat treats me, but I am leaving it mellow. I feel accomplished, and I am not going to rush to get it done . . . at least, not for a week or so. I need to rest my poor, beleaguered brain.
However . . . see, I couldn’t help it. My brain does this to me. I came up with some ideas for a sequel. Now, the stupidest part of this is that I decided ages ago that this would be a standalone. This would be on its own, it won’t be connected. No series, no franchise, nothing. Just one story, alone. And a while ago, I was thinking “could I go more?” but I thought, no, I don’t want that at all, in fact I can’t. Because the idea of this story is alone, and if I tried to continue this story and build upon it, that would ruin the story in my head. I want my main character to finish her story on the last page. Then she can retire and live a life of wonder.
So, I thought “No, I can’t do a sequel, because that’s when her story ends, I can’t have another story about her.”
Then my sneaky, evil brain said to me:
  “Well, could you make someone else the main character?”
Well, yeah. Yes, I "could", but I don’t have any idea who that would be.
  “Really? Well, then why not find out?” said my brain.
So, I started building an idea for a sequel, and that’s what I will be working on and developing in the intervening time, the characters, plot and themes for the next story in the ‘Urban Sci-Fi trilogy’.
  “Oh, so, you have an idea for two sequels?” I hear you ask.
No, not at all. But hey, it sounds fun, and I can already see that not all of the ideas I have for the sequel will fit into the one story. Although, I will be working on some other stories as well, I don't see myself writing the sequels straight away, unless the first one becomes crazy successful.

I’m the Absurd Word Nerd, and that’s what I’m working on whilst not writing blog posts. I hope NaNoWriMo treated you well, it wasn’t too harsh on me. Let me know if you’ve gotten anything done, I’d love to hear about it.

Friday 25 November 2016

I'm Trying, Though

Now, I think I know what you're thinking. You're thinking:
“Absurd Word Nerd, where was the last update?”
At least that's what I imagined you would be thinking,  because the last update is very clearly missing. So where is it? I'll tell you where it is, it's in a black hole, the aether of unsaved Word Documents.
When I write the novel that I'm working on, I'm doing so on Google Docs.  I am incredibly fond of Google Docs not just because it's available everywhere I go (and not just because I can use it to write alongside my beloved and we write stories together) but also because it means that I can just write and not have to worry about saving the document. See Google Docs has an amazing feature whereby it just saves everything you do and sends it to the database. I'm not sure if it's the the cloud or the server, but either way, it will save it, it's locked down. The way I write these blog posts, I tend to do it just on blogger - As much as I may be doing this blog draught on Google Docs - because it's just little updates and I didn't want to put too much effort into them. I figure sit down throw it  on the page,  send it out, get back to writing. That worked really well the first few times but last time it didn't save. For that reason I figured I'd give you a nice in depth explanation as to what I'm up to right now when it comes to writing. I have written over 20,000 words. Yes that's a two and yes that's four zeros. I'm pretty hyped about that, pretty excited, it means I'm approaching the halfway mark. Whilst it's only 5 more days till the end of nanowrimo proper, I'm still excited I'm not going to stop after nanowrimo I'm going to get this thing written I am going to get this thing published and hopefully you people will be able to enjoy the story I've been working on for so long.
And I'm also excited to get back into other projects I like. Listen, I like writing this story. I'm so used to creating short stories - in fact in the beginning, I was wondering how I get to create something longer and I'm actually surprised by the way that my brain has composed the story which needs to be longer - when I write Duke Forever those stories are 9000 words, cut and paste send it out and they always that long that's how long they are. I can't stop them being that long, it's how they are. It's not something I do artificially, it's how the stories are, if I try to make them longer or shorter they wouldn't feel like Duke Forever stories they wouldn't feel right.
But this story is constructed in a way much more akin to a mystery there's this piece here, that piece there, slowly building it up and putting the pieces together. It's different from writing a short-instalment, episodic series. Another one of the things that I have already spoken about struggling with are videos and things that I put on the background to help. I am still searching for some simple videos just to get you on track, but if you're looking for something yourself, I've discovered the amazing Jenna Moreci. She's an author; she's a vlogger and her videos are invaluable if you're feeling unsure, you have questions about writing or you're just a little blank. If your mind isn't in the writing game, whenever she does vlogs her mind is in the right zone so I found that really useful for getting myself right back on track, listening to her tell me that you absolutely need to keep going. One of the other things I discovered that reinvigorated my enjoyment of writing was a scene I wrote that just came out of nowhere. See you when I plotted this story I had an idea of the main character meeting somebody who knew about aliens and I thought she would just go to their house, have a chat and leave knowing more, but not everything they wanted to know. But when I wrote that thing, I wanted to shake things up a bit. I didn't want to just send her to somebody's house because that felt a bit pedestrian and contrived, who would invite a stranger inside if you just rocked up at their house, let alone invite her inside and talk? So instead I sent her to a cafe and there she met the woman she was looking for and the way I wrote her, this woman was quite resistant.
I mean, if you know that aliens exist I imagine you may be the kind of person who screams at politicians while wearing tinfoil, or wears those sandwich board things saying: The End is Nigh. But I didn't want that, that seems to crack the suspension of disbelief (to me at least).
And my solution was to have the woman be in denial, so she knew a lot, but she assumed it was all just a figment of her imagination or something. But you see, almost accidently, this created a tension. A drama I hadn't prepared for, wherein the main character was learning and questioning this poor woman, at the same time as the woman was trying to help the main character come to terms with the fact that aliens don't exist (even though there was one standing right outside the cafe). It was actually quite intense writing, because the woman at first was resistant and then she was opening up to the main character - not to tell her what she wanted to know, but this woman was trying to convince herself that she has nothing to fear. Meanwhile the main character knows for a fact that everything that she doesn't want to be true is. The main character finds aliens cool and friendly, but this woman was terrified of the prospect either that she'd met someone just as deluded as her, or that she'd met someone to tell her that all of her delusions and fears were real.
Okay . . . maybe I'm just tooting my own horn, maybe this isn't the amazing thing that I imagine it to be. But, nonetheless this opened my eyes to why this is not only a story I want to write, but one that I have to.

See the main reason why I didn't want to do NaNoWriMo in the first place, why I wrote that blog post about why wasn't a fan of it, was because I always received it as incredibly shame-driven. You give yourself a month, 30 days with a large quota and you say "I need to finish this by the deadline if I want to call myself a writer"; If you start to falter from that deadline, what keeps you moving forward is the thought of "Ugh, I suck at this, I need to exceed what I failed at before". And why is it 'Na' NoWriMo? Why is it National? It's because you're supposed to compare yourself to everyone else - there's meant to be winners in this race. You're supposed to blame yourself for not being as good as the other writers when you can't keep up, you have other people to look at and show you "they can do it", so there's no excuse to be one of the losers. Yes, I know this may seem extreme, but it's true more often than you'd believe. In fact my girlfriend offered to do NaNoWriMo with me, but she has been struggling to get a story started even now. My Beloved is a great writer, but the pressure of NaNoWriMo is actually holding her back. I feel like there is a tendency to capitulate this mindset of "You suck. Do better, because NaNoWriMo". Just use me, for example - the reason why I restarted my NaNoWriMo journey was because I felt like I could do better and I was failing at writing, and I didn't want to keep on failing. It's negative reinforcement. But, what made this is successful journey, to me, is the fact that it's not so much shame as it is growth. I'm not comparing myself to other writers, I'm comparing myself to myself. The reason I have a quota is because I know that I can write that much, I've done it before. Hell, I started this journey right after Halloween Countdown. There's a lot more than 2,000 words in some of those posts, yet I did those on time. So, when I failed, it wasn't because I suck - I can't suck, the 'winner' that I'm comparing myself to is me. So, I am awesome, I'm just not achieving what I am capable of, I am not reaching my potential. And I have found this to be a fun challenge.
It's been said before that one of the driving factors of creativity is boundaries. Telling you, "I bet you can't kick this goal blindfolded"? That's a challenge that forces you to test your skills, and push further. So, telling someone "Create a story, but you can only tell it with this paper and this pen and in a way that other people can understand" - that's creativity. That's what writing is. And saying that you have to write a story in a month? This deadline, I find it inspiring. At the end of the day, it's not perfect. I started again because I realized that the kind of stories that I write, the complicated, heavily researched, plot-driven stories . . . I couldn't do that, because this timeframe wasn't long enough to make the conflict complex. I've created a backstory that makes this story conducive to the kind of style of writing that I love, but I am definitely not going to write my planned novels this way. No, NaNoWriMo is an amazing challenge, but it's not the same thing as regular writing, just as how running a marathon for exercise is not the same as going for a jog to exercise. Just because I challenge myself like this, doesn't mean that I can do my best work this way, and it's not something you can do all the time. It's just a sometimes thing. It seems like I will half-complete this novel by the 30th of November, and I will complete it before the end of January. For my next few stories, I will do something a little slower, a little less labour intensive.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and don't get me wrong, I think I might just try NaNoWriMo again next year. After all, just like the marathon runner . . . I want to beat my best time. Keep up the writing, and I'll see you in the last update.

Thursday 17 November 2016

Oh dear, I'm Slow

To begin with, my first announcement of updates with regards to NaNoWriMo is that I've added these updates onto my schedule. I only knew it was due for an update because I was watching YouTube, and I was thinking "what's the date?" and when I saw it was the 15th, I was thinking "No, if it were the fifteenth, I would be doing a NaNoWriMo Update . . . oh crap." So, I am posting a day late, sorry.
But, I've added little crosses onto my NaNoWriMo calendar for every five days, so that I shouldn't do that again.
But, falling behind is something I am doing quite a bit lately, it seems.
The big news for my story is that I have been petering out lately. every day this week, I've written less than one thousand words, which has been slowing me down considerably. I'm still writing, I'm still going, no worries. I'm just finding some parts more difficult, especially the emotional, dramatic moments.
Part of it is personal issues, my girlfriend isn't at her best and we're both stressed with politics and personal deadlines lately. It's a mess.
The heat doesn't help, but that's not the main factor. The main thing slowing me down is just . . . mental fatigue.
One of the ways I've been managing it is by watching videos, particularly Netflix. I watched the entirety of Stranger Things (which, I recommend to anyone that likes the 80s, or just good horror/sci-fi/mystery shows). I think I've been doing it wrong, though. The show is fantastic, but . . . not during NaNoWriMo.
Don't get me wrong, I loved the show, but it had a lot of good, new ideas.
See, I'm thinking about it, and five days ago? I was tired too. Yeah, don't forget that I was writing the Halloween Countdown before I began this. But, five days ago, I was raring to go, I was excited. I am still excited for this story, but the energy is gone. And there are two reasons for that.
Firstly, the stress of life, the difficulties of juggling looking for work with being a boyfriend with cooking dinner and cleaning with socializing and writing on top of that. It feels like a lot, and whilst it's not the hardest, as I said, the heat doesn't help.
But secondly, and most importantly, I am letting it get to me. Self-care is important, but choosing the right kind of self-care is just as important as deciding to take care of yourself. There is a fine line between self-care and self-medicating; addiction is often a form of self-medication, whether it be alcoholism, sexual addiction, drug addiction, addiction to eating brickdust or videogame addiction - it's all using the positive chemicals (often dopamine, but sometimes hormones or literal chemicals) to get a positive feeling which you had not felt otherwise.
For me, I think that I've been using watching good shows and YouTube (addicted to these online videos) as a way of distracting myself from the task at hand.

But it was subtle, because I was doing something similar last week, but with a major difference. Last week, I was putting on shows.
I was watching MIB; I was watching At World's End, I was watching Paul. Why?
Not because they are movies I enjoy (although I do enjoy some of them); and not even because they were sci-fi and I am writing sci-fi, after all Stranger Things also has a lot of sci-fi. No, what made these work is they were shows I had already watched. I wasn't receiving and processing new information, I was putting these shows on and relaxing. For the MIB movies, I didn't even watch most of them, I just put them on in the background while I was writing. But for the others, I was just zoning out, because I was concentrating more on the story I was working on.
I'm losing focus, and letting the stress get to me, that's what's holding me back and that's what's slowing me down.

On a lighter note, I finally have a title for this story. It's kinda funny, the title has basically been changing for every single post of this blog.
For the first one, it was GIDEON, but then I rebooted, and I called it Untitled Urban Sci-Fi Story, then for a week, I was calling it Quicksilver, which is apparently a street name for metallic spray paint cans amongst people that huff paint (it sounded spacey to me, but not enough). But finally, I have sort of settled on the name Still Life. I know, it's a little abstract, but it's the best title I have, and it actually kinda works for the theme that I'm going for with this story. So, unless something unexpected happens next week, that is the title of this story.
See? Things aren't all looking down. Despite the fact that there was a day when I didn't write anything. But, full disclosure, that was a day when I went out drinking with my mates. I thought I could get home and write something, and while I did get home, I actually kinda forgot to write anything until after midnight, and since my daily quota deadline is midnight . . . well, shit happens.

Anyway, so, right after I finish this post, I am going to pick several sci-fi and urban fantasy movies that I've seen before. Actually, right after this I am going to shower, because I stink. Whilst showering, I will discuss storylines with myself, and try to come up with some solid scenes for tomorrow, since my timeline is a little vague, currently (and I am a writer, talking to yourself is a common symptom).
But then, I will pick several movies, and stack them on my bookshelf so that for the next five days, if I get bored, I will put them on and keep writing in here, with them playing in the background. Then, I will probably cook and eat dinner. Then, finally, I will sit down here and continue writing, because damn it, I want to write more than 2,000 words today, and make today another green day. Alright, no more screwing around.
I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, don't quit on me, people. I am writing, I hope you're writing (or reading) too. We're half-way to the finish line.

Friday 11 November 2016

Yeah, so, Here Goes . . .

So, we return once more, and I am in the midst of my NaNoWriMo journey, and this is my second blog update. And I do indeed have good news, my plan is actually kinda working. At least, it's working so far, I can't speak to the future, but I have written two full chapters of this story so far, over 8,000 words. Okay, yes, those of you good at maths may now be counting on your fingers to realize that I should be at 10,000 today if I were keeping up with my quota. And no, I'm a little bit behind, but that's okay. See, the purpose of this is not to meet the goal or quit, it's to keep yourself honest. If I just wrote every day and shrugged it off, like
  "Yeah, I did a lot today." I could lie to myself. Or, I could be honest, but in a false hope kind of way. Because if I wake up and there's no coffee, and then I hear that something devastating, like a racist, bigoted tyrant just took over a powerful country, yeah writing may feel difficult and even putting six words on a page may feel like a success.
But we remember emotions more than we remember facts, and if I feel like I've done a lot, when in reality I've only written eleven words one day, then I kinda suck at my job of "writing a story". So, on the days when I only write 300 words, I don't look at it and go "I suck", I look at it and go "I need to be better".
But one thing that has amazed me greatly are what I call my green days. See, whilst I make it black and white for the sake of this post, when I write on that little NaNoWriMo calendar, when I've written under my quota, I score it in red. But when I exceed my quota, I write it in green - they have the plus signs (+) beside them, if you're curious. And on both of those occasions, I have been on fire.
Also, I have been in my father's study writing with the air conditioning on, so I may try to do that more often, to see if it's the heat that's making my slow days even slower. But, I have just sat down and blazed through. And both of those occasions, it's something I have had in my mind for a while: The first painting; the crash - both of these scenes I have had in mind ever since I started this venture, and I have researched, so when it came time to write them I just threw them down.
Tappity-tappity-tap. Keyboard keys were flying.

There are two other things I feel the need to mention, then I will disappear back into my writing-hole.

Firstly, I felt the need to do field research. This was unusual, because I am used to just using Google Maps to find a location, and I adapt it as needed. When I wrote Chapter 13 of Duke forever, Kindred of the Gods, I picked a beach and pretended there was a church on it. But because this is a novel, and because I am writing my story in my home country and local town (Brisbane represent!) I didn't want to lie about how the city looked. So, in one scene where my character was literally climbing all over the buildings, I got in my car, drove to the spot I'd found on Google Maps, and I took as many photos as I could. Then I came home, wished I'd taken more photos (It's always the way, isn't it? You're there, think "I don't want to overdo it". Then get back and go "crap, I underdid it".)
I did take enough to manage to write the scene. I think it's because I am actually, properly planning on trying to get this story published, so I don't want to just wing it; but, that moment preceded one of my green days, when I was writing on fire, because I had an impulse "I need this in order to write the story", and when I had it, I just went with it all the way to Chapter 3.

Another thing I noticed was that music . . . helps. I like background noise, but the thing is, I am a bit scared of heights. Not ultimately so, but quite a bit; enough that I don't like leaning on railings in most circumstances just in case. But, I didn't want my character to have that. Gene is a bit more wild, a bit more out there and free. So, when I had her climb up the building, I decided that she would feel free.
I did that by listening to Katy Perry's Rise. Not because I think that is the best, inspirational song or anything, it's just that I was in the middle of a writing session, I needed something about height and being excellent, and that's the first one that came to mind. And listening to that whilst I was writing was perfect, I got this image in my head, and it's not much, but it helped to create that scene.
But then I had to stop. Because the next scene was tense, and I was looking for a song that represented that; then the next scene was eye-opening and mind-blowing, so I was looking for a song that evoked that . . . unfortunately, I failed both times, and my story stopped dead when my playlist did.
So, I went back to playing videos of people talking in the background. I think, if you have a few important scenes in your story that you want to be inspired by a song, you need to rack that playlist up in advance, because it really did stop my writing dead for two minutes the other day.
To be frank, I'm surprised that I find stuff to talk about. I would love to tell you about the story, but it's a surprise. Like I said, I want to publish this one. the only other thing I can tell you is . . . I don't have a title.
I have a "working title", but it sucks. I don't like it. I was trying to find a term that tied together, paint, graffiti, space and aliens . . . but it's still evading me.

Hopefully, I'll find something suitable before I get too far. In the meantime, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, wishing you all the best of luck. Pens on papers, fingers on keyboards, we still have a long way to go . . .

Sunday 6 November 2016

Uh Oh, ReDo

I was hoping I would be able to write blog posts keeping you updated of my NaNoWriMo progress and this is my attempt at the first post. If this post reads a little unusual, it is because I'm not actually writing it with my keyboard. Because writing nanowrimo right after my countdown is a little bit tiring, and I don't want to use excess energy on blog posts, I am writing this post using the text to speech program on my mobile phone, with only minor editing to fix up mistakes. This means I can Speak 'n' Spell the entire posts without worrying about wearing myself out for the upcoming writing session.
[Author's Note: I gave up on the text-to-speech half-way through. It turns out that getting frustrated with a new function on your phone is more tiring and a results in a much less natural way of speaking than sitting down and writing.]
And the next writing session is going to be a big one . . .
See I have good news and bad news, the good news is I've written over 2000 words already for my NaNoWriMo attempt. The bad news is, I'm going to have to scrap all of my writing so far.
See, after four days of writing the story, I have come to a realization: I haven't done enough research for this story so that I can just sit down and write it.
See usually when I write my research as I go it's not the best habit but it's the one that I have gotten into. However, when it comes to NaNoWriMo you can't just research as you go because you have a word quota to fulfill. So, I tried to change my writing habits, but it just didn't fit the story. I needed to do a lot of research on the Australian Police Force, basic forensic analysis and call signs and codes and attitudes and and laws... it was just going to be a mess. So, I made an executive decision to scrap everything I've written so far for NaNoWriMo; store it elsewhere & reboot my National Novel Writing Month with a new story.
So, tomorrow I will begin writing again, and I will have twenty-five days to write fifty thousand words. This does mean that I will have to increase my daily writing quota to fulfill this new shortened schedule, but I'm confident that I can do it. See, to alleviate the burden of constant research I've decided that this new story will be science fiction, I've even spent the last twenty-four hours organising the timeline, the characters, the motivations and the themes so that now all I'm really missing are the words that make this story a book.
Because I'm much more experience whend it comes to writing science fiction (since I've been running Duke forever for so very very long) and since I'm somewhat knowledgeable when it comes to science it gives me a lot of leeway to write as I please and fill in any gaps with sci-fi technobabble fun times.
So, I suppose for you other writers out there, my suggestion is do your research. I found myself stopping and starting so often with the story that on my second day of writing for NaNoWriMo, I I wrote a grand total of eleven words. That's pathetic. And all because I hadn't done my research.
Also, my timeline wasn't fully developed, but the lack of research was the real kick in the pants.

This also means that I will have to apologize, I thought that my first update post would be about some of the interesting things I am written about or some of those fun things you discover as you build a story from the ground up. Unfortunately all I have is a cautionary tale. But don't let that discourage you, I sure as hell haven't let it discourage me. I am going to have to write two-thousand words a day to make up for this little hiccup, and I'm going to damn well try to get this story done by the 30th of November 2016.
[Author's Note: I just realized that I forgot to mention something . . . what can I say, I'm tired, I've been plotting for twenty-four hours. But anyway, the plan is that I will keep you guys updated by writing a blog post of my progress every five days. This schedule may shift depending on my personal responsibilities, levels of fatigue and unforeseen circumstances.]
As for the story itself? I don't want to give too much away, since I am trying to make this story publishable. But, I can tell you three things before I wrap up this blog post. Firstly, I have called the main character Gene Endroe, and she is a graffiti artist (yes, she; my original story had a male homicide detective, so when I rebooted, I decided to give the fairer sex the chance at leading the story). Secondly, I think robots are really cool, and this affected what I included in this story. Thirdly, besides my sweet Beloved, what inspired this story was a simple concept: 'Urban Sci-Fi'.
That's all I can say for now, I hope it peaks your interest.

Until next time, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I'm going to lie down. I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow.

Monday 31 October 2016

Goosebumps Chillogy III: The Ghostwriter

The giant worm comes barrelling towards me like a speeding train. I barely have enough time to grab the book tucked into my waistband.
   "AAAGH!" I scream, horrified, twisting the book around. There's a slurping, sucking sound as the worm is pulled back into the pages of its book, over twenty metres of the worm is sucked up like spaghetti into the pages, until with a pop! it reverts back into printed ink. I sigh, collapsing to my knees. "Now, that is a better cliffhanger . . ."
I catch my breath, then get to my feet, collecting up the two Goosebumps books once more, and heading around the side of the house to get back inside. I walk through the garden, as I do, mud seeps into my right sock, since I'd thrown my right shoe at the worm.
  "Really? This is my night . . ." I say, trudging up the cleared patch under the tree at the side of the house which we call the grove. As I pass the rain tank, I hear a soft groaning sound behind me. I whirl around, attack ready, and see men with mud caked all over their bodies, still wet and dripping. I watch as more of them drag themselves up from the wet dirt.
  "You can't scare me," I say, walking around the water tank. I grab the hose, switch on the pump, and spray the monsters. I spray the first one in the face, making it yell out and groan, but the mud washes away leaving behind yellowed bones, which collapse loosely on the ground. There are three mud-zombies in total, but after a minute of washing them off, there's nothing but three piles of loose bones. "Sorry, you're cool, but I just don't have time for you right now."
I walk back around the tank and up the steps, my soggy sock squelching with every second step. I head through the gate and into the barbeque area, where I'd seen the blue monster and viking lady before. But they're no longer there. Instead, in the middle of the barbeque area, is a large, muscular man wearing a blue outfit like some kind of superhero; a cape with armoured chest, blue boots and gloves, and a mask that covers his face and appears to have cheek-guards reminiscent of tusks or stylized mandibles. I recognize him as the Masked Mutant.
As soon as he sees me, he marches towards me and grabs me by the neck, lifting me in the air.
  "Where is the Galloping Gazelle?!" demands the Masked Mutant.
  "Ugh h've nnh uh-duh wuh yrg trg-uh abuh," I choke out. the Mutant drops me and grabs my chin with his other hand.
  "What did you say, kid?"
  "I said . . . fuck you," I say, catching my breath. "Also, I have no idea what you're talking about."
  "I demand you answer me," said the Masked Mutant. "If you don't tell me where he is, I will destroy you!"
  "Mate, if he's not here then he didn't come out of the book!" I say. "There is no Gazelle, you're all that came out of the book!"
  "Do you know who you're talking to?" says the Masked Mutant. "I am the Masked Mutant, the most evil supervillain in the known universe! I can change my form on the molecular level into any known object, substance, creature or human being! Why, even before I'd discover my astounding abilities, I was . . ."
I look around as the Mutant continues to monologue, and I see the axe. I had left it leaning against the wall just inside the sliding door, and now it was resting just four metres away. The Mutant is distracted, so I point at the barbeque and scream.
  "Galloping Gazelle, look out!" The Mutant looks around at the distraction, and I immediately run past him to the door, I slide open the glass and grab the axe in one hand.
  "No, be careful my boy," says a plump man with a white moustache. The man sitting at the piano stands and approaches me. "You should not go swinging around an axe with one hand!"
  "What." I say.
  "Please, you have such . . . wonderful hands!"
I immediately swing the axe at the old man's head. It hits him in the face with a metallic thunk! and a burst of sparks.
  "Sorry, Doctor Shreek. Bigger things right now . . ." I say, I rip the axe out and swing it at his neck, lopping it off. The head rolls off, wires and loose bolts spilling from the stump. Then, I turn back to the Mutant.  "See? I have a weapon and I'm not afraid to use it!"
  "You're not afraid?" says the Mutant, slowly walking towards me. As he does, his skin and costume changes colour to a shiny silver. " . . . you should be."
I back away, in measured paces, until I feel the back of the couch behind me. I turn around to see the living room full of monsters. The pumpkin-aliens, a Horror, Ivanna the Viking, Fleg the blue beast. But all of them were looking at the Masked Mutant, worriedly.
  "All of you should fear me! I am the greatest being in the universe!" the metal Masked Mutant roared, enthusiastically.
  "We beg to differ . . ." said a pumpkin-head, its voice hoarse and dry. The two of them floated up off of the couch, their black robes draping under them loosely, and they flew over the couch to flank me on either side. As they stood their, the flames in their pumpkin head flared up brightly, spilling out of their mouths and eyes. "You are nothing to us . . ." said the other "We eat pitiful creatures like you."
  "Haha, Fools!" said the Mutant. His skin returned to its original colour as he reached into a pouch on the back of his belt and withdrew what looked like a small, yellow, plastic water pistol. He pulled the trigger, and the gun emitted a high-pitched whistle. The pumpkin-head beside be began to glow a bright white. He turned it to the other and pulled the trigger again. The both of them glowed, then burst into crackling electricity as they began to melt. Their flames flickered out as their heads rotted and crumpled, and they shrank smaller and smaller down to nothing, leaving behind only their black cloaks on the floor either side of me.
  "There's no match for the Masked Mutant's Molecular-Melter!"
Seeing the pumpkin-heads melted down to literally nothing, I nope the hell out of there and run into the master bedroom. I close the door behind me and tip over the standing armoire in front of it with a crash! to barricade the doorway. Then turn to face the room.
  "Fuck a duck in a truck . . ." I say, looking around. The entire room is splattered with blank, oily liquid, on the walls, floor, bed and ceiling. By the window, the two Barking Ghost dogs are there, looking like oil-spill victims, shivering and soaked in black. Standing on the bed, holding hands, are three grey schoolkids, all wearing old-fashioned uniforms and their skin is monochrome, black and white like an old photo They turn to me. There's black gunk dripping from their mouths.
  "Turn, turn, turn to grey . . ." they all say in unison, and together they look at me and start walking over the bed towards me. "Turn, turn, turn to grey."
Behind me, there's a high-pitched whistle, and the door starts to glow white and spark with electricity.
  "Thanks, but no thanks!" I say to the kids, and run towards the en suite. I slide open the door and step in, and immediately slip on some blue goo on the floor.
  I grab the counter to regain my balance, and see that the floor and walls are splattered with blue gunk. The blue monster bloods had, as I expected, overpopulated and then destroyed each other, but had left behind a disgusting mess. "What is is with Stine and coloured goo?" I say, closing the door behind me. I hear the muffled sound of the Mutant barging into the room, and monologuing at the kids as the Molecular-Melter fires again.
  "What the hell am I going to do about this guy?"
Tap tap tap.
I turn to the shower to see the mermaid there, behind several splatterings of blue monster blood blood (that's not a typo, that's what it is), tapping on the glass with her nails. She peers through a gap in the muck, then taps her finger on the glass, pointing at the towel rack beside me.
I look at the towel rack, and see that there's no towel there. The en suite had white or red towels, but there was what looked like a furry grey and brown towel with a strange shape, and claws hanging down. I lift the fur off of the rack and open it up. It had four legs, claws, and even a canine face, with teeth, but empty eye-holes.
  "Werewolf Skin!" I cry out, I place one hand on the shower glass. "Thank you."
The mermaid nods, and I pull the Skin over my head, through the split in the belly. I pull my legs through, then my arms. As I do, the skin moulds tight to my body and I feel . . . wild.
I push open the door, and see the Mutant standing in front of the bed, with three empty, grey school uniforms piled atop it; which, if I wasn't currently lycanthropic and aware of the molecule-melting situation, would have set off a lot of alarm bells.
  "I bet you didn't see this coming!" I growl, my voice much deeper and more animalistic. I leap upon the Mutant's back and grab the yellow gun in his hands. His grip is too strop to wrench it away, but I pierce it with my new claws and crush the gun in our hands. The Mutant throws me off of him with his arm, and turns to face me.
  "So, this is your super power, is it?" says the Mutant. " . . . this is mine."
The Mutant's body changes to a slightly off-coloured yellow. I dive forward and bite his shoulder, but my teeth can't break his skin and it just tastes like rubber, so I give him a swift kick that throws him across the room and leave.
I walk into the living room, and see the Horror and Ivanna sitting on the couch.
  "Can I borrow this?" I snarl, pointing at the couch. The two of them stand up, and I grab the couch with my new werewolf strength, cramming it into the doorway. Then I grab the piano and drag it across as well, blocking the way.
I turn around to see Hannah standing there,  gobsmacked.
  "Matt? Is that you?" she says.
  "Yeah, it's . . . just a second." I grunt, and I pull the skin off over my head. "Woah. It's sweaty in this thing,  but really cool."
  "Yeah, that was AWESOME, man!" says a small voice behind me,  making me jump.
  "Cheeses! Who the hell . . .?"
  "Sorry. Hi, I'm Brent. I'm invisible," says the empty air behind me. "I've been watching you guys. So cool . . . I was hoping I could help."
  "I dunno, I guess. Does Stine have all the books?" I ask.
  "I think so. I saw him with another armload of books a moment ago."
  "Fantastic.  Uh, Invisible boy? "
  "Brent. My name's Brent."
  "Okay,  if you want to help, come help us get the monsters back into their books. Follow me."
I lead the way around into the hallway, past the melted vampire-zombie corpses just outside the dining room and towards the spare room. As we approach, Stine steps out, closing the door behind him.
  "Hey, children," he says. "Did you get the books?"
  "Right here," I say, holding them out. Stine steps forward, snatching them. "Excellent, excellent. Now,  we have all of . . . where is your right shoe?"
  "Oh, I threw it at a giant robo-mantis."
  "Right . . . I have all of the books. I just need the monster blood."
  "Monster blood? Why?"
  "I don't have time for stupid questions, get it now!"
  "We need to get it anyway," says Hannah. "Didn't you say it grows over time? We should put it back so it doesn't get too big."
  "Right," I say, glancing at Stine, as he closes the door. "We'll need a bucket."
Hannah opens the laundry door and steps inside. We follow, but as we do Hannah kneels down to the floor.
  "D'awww . . . hey, little guy," she says, and I see she's kneeling down to a small, white bunny rabbit on the floor. "What are you doing in here?"
  "Layin' low while that ape monster's charging around," growls the bunny in a gruff voice.
  "Did that rabbit . . . talk?" asks Brent.
  "I ain't a rabbit," says the bunny. "I look like a rabbit, but I'm a magician. I'm called The Great Amaz-O!"
  "That's so cool! And you're a cute, little bunny too," says Brent,
  "Don't call me c-" suddenly the rabbit flies up in the air by the scruff of its neck. "Woah! Hey! Put me down!"
  "Brent? I assume that's you," I say.
  "This ain't a petting zoo, kid!" shouts Amaz-O, as Brent begins petting him, messing up his fur.
  "Looks like you're having a bad hare day," I say, smirking. Hannah just stares at me blankly. " . . . never mind, it's a stupid reference. Come on, let's get the bucket."
I grab the bucket from the sink and lead the way towards the bathroom, down the hallway.
  "Where are you takin' me?" says Amaz-O.
  "I couldn't just leave you alone in there," says Brent.
  "Fine, then leave me alone in here!" says Amaz-O.
  "Hey, there's no need to be rude," says Brent.
As we open the bathroom door, the ghosts all look over to see us.
  "What's going on?" says a young black ghost with cornrows in her hair. "We heard some strange noises out there."
  "We're just here for the monster blood," I tell her. "Don't worry, this will be dealt with soon."
  "I'll deal with you soon if you don't put me down!" barks Amaz-O.
  "Do you really want me to put you down?" says Brent, and I see Amaz-O float over the bathtub filled with green monster blood. "How about now? Should I put you down now?!"
  "No! Brent, STOP!" I yell out.
After a moment Amaz-O floats away from the tub, and places the rabbit beside the sink, but he's still shaking.
  "I was just joking," says Brent. But as I stare warily at the empty space he's occupying, I remember that in My Best Friend is Invisible (his Goosebumps book) Brent was the antagonist. I make a mental note to be cautious of him.
  "Come on, let's get the blood and go." I say, I take the black bucket and put it at one end of the tub, then scoop along, getting a good lump of blood. I pull the bucket up, but as I do, I feel a tug as the blood pulls back. "Woah, guys, guys! Help!" Hannah appears beside me, and I feel Brent on the other side, grabbing the bucket. All three of us heave, but more blood creeps up and around the bucket. The weight becomes too much and it starts pulling us down towards the tub.
  "It's too strong," says Brent, suddenly letting go.
  "Woah! WAIT!"
As Brent let's go, the force overcomes Hannah and me, and I fall forwards.
  "I gotcha!" calls Hannah, grabbing me by the arm. She helps me get back on my feet and I watch the blood suck the bucket down into it, swallowing it up. I look over at Brent; at least, I look where Brent was a second ago.
  "Damn it, Brent! That was the biggest bucket we have!"
  "I'm sorry," says Brent. "It was hurting my arms."
  "It's fine, we can just get another bucket, right?" says Hannah.
  "Sure," I say. "Come on."
We head right back out of the room, through the hall and back into the laundry. We start opening cupboards and looking around.
  "Damn it . . . I can't find any more buckets."
  "Me either," says Hannah.
  "I know!" says Brent. "What about we suck it up with the vacuum cleaner!"
  "What? No," I say.
  "Trust me, it'll work," says Brent, and I hear footsteps as he runs out of the laundry and opens the broom cupboard, and screams!
  "Brent!" Hannah calls out, and we run out to see an old, man wearing a black cloak stepping out of the broom closet.
  "Count Nightwing . . ." I say. "Help! Stine, we need Vampire Breath!" I call out. Stine angrily steps out of the spare room with a book in his hands.
  "Yes, do you have the vampire breath?" says the old vampire.
Stine silently opens the book, and cries out as he twists it around. The vampire is swiftly sucked up into the book with a pop!, Closing the book, Stine looks at us.
  "Did you get the monster blood?" he asks.
  "Uh . . . no, not yet."
  "Hurry up, then," he says, and he goes back inside, closing the door behind him.
  "How can we get it without a bucket?" asks Hannah.
  "Well, we could get a plant pot from outside," I say, "but we'd need one without holes in it."
  "Sure, let's give it a go," says Brent, enthusiastically. We start heading for the front door, right through the kitchen and past the living room when there's a sudden loud crash! From the master bedroom, a silverback gorilla smashes through the couch, and begins pummeling the piano to break through. With a smash and a crunch, it punches its way out, then stands on its hindlegs. As we watch, it quickly changes, its chest shrinking and legs growing, and the Masked Mutant is revealed once more.
  "Oh no, he's free . . . how are we gonna stop him?" I ask.
  "You! Wolf-boy!" cries out the Masked Mutant, pointing at me. "Did you honestly believe that you could escape my clutches?"
  "Yep!" I call out, and I grab Hannah's hand. "Run!"
We race down the hall, to the other end of the house. But the Mutant runs to follow right behind us.
  "You can't run away so easily. Come back and fight, boy!" calls the Mutant, his cape billowing behind him dramatically.
  "Where can we run?" she says.
  "I've got an idea," I say, and I lead us into the bathroom and stand near the tub.
  "Now what?"
There's a bang, and we both jump, whirling around to see the Mutant there, slamming his fist on the sink top counter.
  "Trapped. In the corner, like rats . . ." says the Mutant, cruelly.
  "You think you're so amazing, don't you?" I say, to the Mutant. "Can become anyone? Anything?"
  "Of course," says the Mutant. "I am the greatest supervillain in the universe!"
  "Fine, prove it." I say, pointing at the tub. "Turn into that."
The Masked Mutant looks at the tub, then at me, then back at the tub. Then bursts into laughter. A loud, hearty cackle.
  "You FOOL!" he says. "Do you really believe I'd be so foolish as that? To transform into a liquid, despite knowing that in an aqueous state, my molecular bonds are too weak to reconstitute myself?"
  "What? That was your plan?" says Hannah.
  "Whu- . . . Why are you cross at me? It worked in the book!" I say, exasperated.
  "I'm smarter than my book," says the Masked Mutant. "Even smarter than Stine. You cannot defeat me with such meager and pitiful attempts at deceit! I am the-"
suddenly, three ghosts appear behind him and shove him hard. The Mutant gasps as he loses his footing and lands with a splat! into the monster blood.
  "You despicable wretch!" cries out the Mutant, as he gets up onto his knees. "Why, I'll get your-" He tries to stand, but his hands are stuck down. "What is this . . . matter?"
The monster blood creeps up and around his cape as he tries to lift his arms, but then the green goo starts to suck him down.
  "No, no!" he cries out. His body begins to shift, and he transforms into a bear. The grizzly writhes and pulls, but can't get loose. So, he changes back, and morphs into rock, and tries punching at the goo, but it continues to suck him down. "No! What is this?!" he cries. He changes into an octopus, and reaches out with tentacles to drag himself out. Then he changes to ice, trying to freeze it and crack it; then a snake; then metal; a horse; sand; a tiger; a plants. He shifts and morphs as quickly as he can, but no matter what he does the monster blood pulls him down lower and lower . . . until finally, he sinks below the surface with a bubble and a bloomp! as he breathes his final breath.
  "Wow, he's gone," says Hannah.
  "Who pushed him in?" I say, looking around "Brent?"
But then three ghosts step forward, an older boy and girl, alongside a much younger boy.
  "He deserved it," says the girl.
  "Oh, thanks, I guess," I say. "Have you seen an invisible boy arou- . . . wait, never mind."
  "Now the tub's so full," says Hannah, "how can we bring it to Stine?"
  "I dunno. Let's just tell him it's messed up, and see what he can do about it . . ."
We head out of the bathroom, towards the spare room, but as we pass by the dining room table, we hear a voice whispering.
  "Hey, don't go in there," says a small voice from the kitchen.
  "Who said that?"
  "Brent?" says Hannah.
  "No, down here," says the voice, and we look over at the benchtop to see a small, green head sitting there, looking up at us.
  "Why don't you want us to go in the room?" I ask it.
  "Because of what I've seen," it says. "You through the weird sponge at the dummy, and it was rolling around for a while, but then the snow-ape came over, and he gave the sponge to it. The thing fell and cut itself on the broken shelf, then the dummy went into the corner room. That's when that goose with the cape came out, and shot it with the disintegrator gun. Killed the poor thing."
  "So, Slappy let out the Mutant?" I say. "That explains why he knew about his weakness . . . he must have read it. But why shouldn't we go in there? We have to deal with all the monsters, eventually. Why not face him again?"
  "That ain't the half of it," says the shrunken head. "Then the writer went in there with more books, and hasn't come out except when you showed up."
  "You think Stine's working with Slappy?" I say.
  "I dunno, I'm just telling you what I saw, but didn't you think he was acting kinda rude?" says the head. "Seems out of character for a kind-looking man like that."
  "That explains why he wants the monster blood," I say. "If Slappy eats the monster blood, he'll grow enormous again. There will be no stopping him then . . ."
  "Slappy must be controlling Stine somehow," says Hannah. "So, if he has the writer, and all of the books . . ."
  "Yeah, not good. But thanks for telling us, Head."
  "Don't mention it," says the shrunken head.
  "I know, I've got an idea!" says Brent's voice.
  "Wait, what?! Brent, how long have you been standing there?" I ask. But there's just silence. "Brent?"
I walk around, looking, but I can't see anything moving from an invisible force.
  "Brent!" I call out.
  "In here!" a voice calls from the lounge room. I head in in time to see something green and rubbery by the TV unit floating up into the air, the Haunted Mask.
  "You used a magic costume last time to fight the Mutant, right?" says Brent, and I see the mask suddenly grow taught around an invisible face as he puts it on.
  "Brent, no! Not the Haunted Mask!"
But it's too late. the Mask looks at the two of us and growls.
  "Now, let's go get us a dummy!" rasps Brent, in the mask. The mask floats towards us, but I stand there firm.
  "Brent, stop. The haunted mask is dangerous. It gets inside your head. Take it off now!"
  "What?!" says Brent. "But I just put it on! Come on, I'll kill the dummy, it will be fun . . ."
  "No." I say.
But the empty sockets of the mask stare at me eerily.
  "That's all you ever say to me. 'No, Brent. Stop, Brent. No no NO, Brent!'. I'm sick of it. This time, we're doing it my way!"
Brent gives me a shove that sends me flying back, and I slam backwards into the pantry cupboard, the handles digging into my spine painfully.
  "Aagh! Damn it, Brent!" I say. Hannah follows the floating mask, heading for the spare room. Holding my sore back, I follow them both.
  "Brent, don't," says Hannah, but he heads into the room.
  "Come here, Slappy, and I'll eat you right up!" growls the mask. Hannah and I follow in after him, and see Stine standing quietly by the window, and the books piled up on the ironing board. But next to the ironing board was Slappy, and he was sitting with his legs hanging off the edge, and a typewriter in his lap.
  "Is that any way to speak to your master?" says Slappy, and he starts hitting the keys with his wooden hands. Suddenly, the mask bursts into flames. Billy starts screaming, and Slappy laughs out loud. Slappy types some more, and Billy stops screaming, but the mask continues, quietly, the rubber of the mask melting and turning black.
  "Hee hee hee! That's more like it!" he says. Then he turns to me.
  "Well, well, well . . . have you brought me my Monster Blood yet, slave?"
  "No," I say. "Also, side-note . . . not your slave. Never will be, so get used to that."
  "Hee hee hee!" Slappy laughs. "Think again, slave. I'm the one writing this story now, not Stine . . ."
Slappy starts tapping the keys, then Brent's burning mask turns to face me. Then so does Hannah. And Stine. They each take a step towards me.
  "Oh my god, what's happening?" says Hannah. "Matt, I can't control myself. I can't move my legs!"
  "Calm down, I understand. It's the typewriter, from The Blob that Ate Everything. If you write on it, what you write happens."
  "Yes," says Slappy. "And what I write on it is 'the foolish boy gets attacked by all of his friends'. Hee hee hee!" Slappy looks at the typewriter, but then stops.
"Wait . . . I have a better idea. Something more poetic."
Slappy begins typing. As he does, Stine selects a book from the middle of the pile of goosebumps books.
  "You know an awful lot about these books, don't you boy?" says Slappy, as he types. "But tell me, do you know how to kill a monster?"
Stine opens up the book towards me, and with a pop! and a puff of smoke, a tall monster appears, covered in green fur with a crocodile-like  face. I stumble back, tripping over my own feet as the monster roars and falling on my back. I quickly get to my feet, but then stop still.
  "Wait . . . I know that book," I say. I turn around and shove my hand into the crocodile's mouth.
  "What are you doing?!" cries Hannah.
But then, the monster gets a strange look in its bulging eyes, it gags and coughs, backing away.
  "Human?" it says, and I smile.
  "Yes . . . you're allergic to humans, aren't you?"
  The monster grabs its throat, and gags as its eyes roll up in its head, then it collapses onto the carpet. Stone cold dead.
  "WHAT?!" shrieks Slappy. "Allergic to humans?! What kind of writer are you?"
  "I write kids books," says Stine.
Slappy scowls angrily.
  "Fine," he says, tapping the typewriter once more. "Stine, get a monster that's made to kill humans, then!"
Stine rifles through the books, once more. As he does, I see that most of them are empty, with blank pages from the escaped monsters, but then he pulls out A Night in Terror Tower, he opens it and there's another pop and puff of smoke. Through the smoke out steps an executioner, wearing a hood to cover his face, and a large, menacing axe in his bulging arms.
  "Excellent!" says Slappy, typing on the machine again. "Now . . . kill him."
The Executioner advances, and swings his axe. Screaming, I jump back and run out of there, headed for the hallway. I turn towards the living room, then stop. What about the study? I think, and turn around, running into the corner study. I head inside, and close the door behind me. Inside, I see a woman with a pale face whose age I can't place, she has long black hair and a black skirt, but a bright red shawl around her shoulders.
  "Sorry, I need this," I say, pulling the printer stand across, so it's blocking the doorway. "There's a crazy guy with an axe out there,"
  "Thanks for letting me know," says the woman flatly in a deep, slightly croaky voice.
Moments later, the tip of the axe blade slams into the door with a crack! then it's pulled back and slams again, this time further in.
  "Oh, crap . . ." I say, looking around. but this room only has one exit and my murderer is behind it. "Now I wish I'd gone the other way."
  "Be careful what you wish for . . ." says the woman, then she closed her eyes. With a sudden flash of light, the room disappears. I find myself standing in the living room. Several of the monsters turn to look at me again.
  "What's going on?" I say. "What did she say? 'Be careful what . . .' Oh my goodness, she's the witch that grants wishes!" I say. I hear a loud crack! and turn to see the Executioner swinging the axe at the door, but he turns to see me, and turns away from the door again.
  "Wishes that don't always work!" I yell out as I run. I lap around the kitchen and head back around towards the room. Thankfully, the Executioner is big and slow, so I make distance between us by running back around to the study. run up to the door, and peek through one of the new axe holes.
  "Psst, hey!" I call in, seeing the woman once more. "You grant wishes, right?"
  "I can, yes . . ." she says.
  "Can you grant me a wish?"
  "Of course," she says. "What would you like?"
  "Okay, well, uh . . . I wish all these Goosebumps villains were back in their books!" I yell out.
She nods, and closes her fingers. I look into the living room, and can just see Fleg and the horror, but with a flash of light they disappear.
  "Oh, thank goodness . . ." I say, turning around. But as I do, I find myself face to face with the Executioner. He runs towards me raising his axe. I duck down and run through the hallway into the living room. There, I see Ivanna looking around.
  "Where did everyone go?" she says.
  "What? Hey, these guys are still here! Damn it, I said to get rid of all of the villain- . . ." I say, trailing off. That's when I realize. "Villains", but, the Executioner wasn't a villain, he was a minor character! "Ugh, stupid, stupid, stupid 'wish exactitude'!"
But then I notice something by the master bedroom door. The werewolf skin! I grab it and start to pull it on.
  "Well, it's not all bad . . ." I say, pulling the skin over my face. "This isn't a villain, it's a plot device. Rargh!"
The executioner sees me and stops in his tracks. I race right for him, grab him in my powerful werewolf claws, and throw him right out the window! Crash! Smash! Thud!
Then, I head back towards the study, still in the skin. I push the door open, and shove the printer out of the way. The witch looks frightened, until I pull the skin off.
  "Sorry, had to get rid of that guy somehow. You can come out now."
  "Thank you," she says.
  "By the way, why are you helping me?"
  "I've seen how you've been getting everything in order. I thought I could return the favour. You still have a third wish. by the way . . ."
  "Thanks. But, I might just save that for now. Can you help me get the rest of the goosebumps books?"
  "If you wish," she says.
  "No, no wish, I'm just asking," I say.
  "Oh . . . well, alright," she says, and she follows me as I head back to the spare room. I enter the room, and come face to face with Slappy once more.
  "WHAT?!" I cry out. "No no NO! I wished the villains away! You're a villain!" I say, pointing at Slappy.
  "Not in the first book . . ." says Stine, quietly. "He was the twist."
  "Oh, for fuck's . . ."
  "You may have defeated the axe-man, but now you will be my slave!" screams Slappy. I look at Slappy, and Stine, and Hannah, and the pile of books . . . then I get an idea.
  "Y'know, you may think you've won . . ." I say "But there's something you're forgetting."
  "What's that?" says Slappy.
  "This is a Goosebumps homage . . . with a reference or passing mention of Every Single Book in the original series of sixty-two books," I say, nodding at the pile. "But as the writer, I know that there's at least one that I haven't managed to reference yet . . . and I must, before the end of this story."
  "Oh?" says Slappy, "and which book would that be?" asks Slappy.
  "THIS ONE!" I scream. I dive at the pile of books, hands outstretched, and grab the first book I can wrap my fingers around. For the sake of narrative convenience, I grab the exact one I'm thinking of. I turn to Slappy. "Say hello to The Horrors of Camp Jellyjam!!" I scream, opening the book. With a pop! and a puff of smoke, a sudden torrent of purple goop comes flooding out of the book. It fills the room in seconds, and bursts through the door. Everyone gets caught in the shifting goo and we get flushed out the door of the spare room. We wash out through the house, (using a loose definition of the word 'wash') and I flail around, trying to swim through the muck, before managing to break through the surface and crawl out onto kitchen tiles, taking a deep breath. The air is full of the sour smell of a dying purple goo monster. I wipe the muck from my eyes and off of my glasses, then turn back to look at the carnage. A pile of putrid, purple jelly covers the entire dining room. I see the rest of my characters crawling out of the mess, and over by the table is Slappy. He drags the typewriter out of the mess, and starts hitting keys. However, as he does, rather than the reliable click click click sound of typing, it makes a wet squelching noise.
  "Sorry, I think I gummed up the typewriter with Jellyjam goop." I say, with a shrug.
  Slappy looks furious. He gets up onto his feet and points at me.
  "I'll get you, slave!" he screams. "I will be your master!"
  "Yeah . . . y'know what, I'm sick of both listening to, and writing your schtick. Thankfully, I have one more wish . . ." I say, looking over at Clarissa, the Crystal Woman. "I wish I had my Night of the Living Dummy Goosebumps book."
Wiping slime off her skirt, she stands up and closes her eyes. There's a flash of light, and the very book I mentioned appears in my hands. I face the book towards Slappy, and scream, spinning the book. Instantly, Slappy gets sucked into the book, with a fwip!  "Oh, thank god," says R.L. Stine, relieved. "I thought we'd never get rid of that dummy."
  "Indeed," I say. "But, that's all the monsters dealt with . . . now I should get this place cleaned up. Thanks for your help, guys. I honestly couldn't have done it without you."
  "That's alright," says Hannah.
  "I do what I can . . ." says Clarissa flatly, wringing out her shawl.
  "Right," I say. " . . . do any of you know where the 'Camp Jellyjam book got to?"

I take the last book sitting on the ironing board, The Ghost Next Door. and head back into my room.
  "Thanks, Hannah. I guess the movie treated you right, at least . . ."
I stand on my bed, and put the book back where it belongs. The shelf looks full again. I scan over the titles with a smile. "Tonight was a rough night, but it was a lot of fun exploring these old stories again . . ."
I look at the numbers, just to double-check. they've all been returned to their places. As it happens, they're all back . . . except for one, between #62 & #60.
  "Sixty-one?" I say. "Where did you get to?"
I head outside, and something down the hall catches my eye.
The attic. It's open once again. Just in case, I grab a knife from the kitchen block, and head over to the ladder. The light's on upstairs, so I climb up carefully, trying to look around and see what's up there.
  "Hello?" I say, peering over the top of the attic manhole. At the other end of the attic, I see R.L. Stine. He's sitting in our old wheelchair, reading a book.
  "Stine?" I say, "What are you doing?"
  "Oh, hello. Sorry, I was just catching up on a little reading," he says, standing up. "In fact, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to go back into my book."
  "What do you mean? Why not?"
  "Well, to be honest, it's boring. And you never re-read my biography. Even for this post, you just skimmed it," he says, approaching me, looking at his feet. "So, I thought I could live up here. It's nice and cosy."
  "You want to live in my attic?" I say. "Well, I guess so. So long as you don't make a mess."
  "Oh, that's great." says Stine, walking back to the wheelchair to sit down. He opens the book, but then looks at me again. "Oh, one more thing . . . you're writing an homage to my books, right?"
  "Yeah," I say.
  "Well, if this is the end. There's going to be a twist . . . be careful, sometimes they're dangerous."
  "Don't worry, I already have a twist," I say. "This here, this scene now, you in my attic. That's the twist."
  "This? No, no no . . ." says Stine. "That's not a scary twist, they always end on something scary. I admit, sometimes it's contrived, but since you're writing it this . . . oh no. Be very careful, there's something behind you."
  "What?" I say, shaking my head. "No. That's stupid, I'm not doing a random there's a monster behind me cliche.  There's no twi-"
A hand falls on my shoulder, making me jump. I turn around, and I come face to face with a pale, green man, wrapped in vines to hold himself together. His face was bleeding green down the center , and his glasses sat crooked on his face where he hadn't pulled his halves together evenly.
 "So, you didn't like my movie, huh?" says Jack Black, stepping forward to grab my throat. "So tell me, boy . . . Do I give you goosebumps?"