Relive and Regret

Nostalgia and Regret seem to go hand in hand, don’t they? Nostalgia is looking back on the past with a sense of longing, whereas Regret is looking back on the past with a sense of loss. They are opposites in a sense, but also they are the same action, just with different emotions as a result. So, I can’t think of a better way to explore childhood trauma, fearful nostalgia and painful memories than to look at regret.

I don’t really believe in regret myself. Obviously, I believe the concept exists, but I don’t believe it’s a good use of one’s time. It’s an old quote, but it’s often said: “it’s no good pondering what might have been, because there’s usually a good reason it didn’t happen” - and that’s true, we tend to make the best decisions we can, based on the circumstances - and even if our decisions weren’t the best, they were the best we could do at the time. Sure, looking back with hindsight you can see how something could be done better, but that’s not worth dwelling upon. In fact, even more importantly, there’s another much more commonly known quote: “you learn from your mistakes”. This is very true, to the point that if I listed every mistake I’d ever made which I’d learnt from and grown wiser - we’d be here until Halloween 2020. Of course, the only way to learn from your mistakes is to reminisce upon them, and realize why things went so wrong - but reminiscence isn’t the same as regret. Regret is more like when you think about something, but in a negative sort of way... look, rather than try to explain it, why don’t I let Dictionary do my thinking for me. The Word of the Day is: ‘REGRET’

Regret /rə’gret/ v.t. 1. To feel sorry about (anything disappointing, unpleasant, etc.) 2. To think of with a sense of loss: They regret their vanished youth. ♦n. 3. A sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc. 4. A feeling of being sorry for some fault, act, etc., of one’s own. 5. (pl.) Feelings of sorrow over what is lost, gone, done, etc.

Do you know what I find the most fascinating about regret? It’s the prefix “re-“. Just as we rethink, redo & re-evaluate, regret is doing something again.
It comes from the Old Frankish prefix re- which basically means “again”, and the suffix -grētan which meant “to weep, mourn” or "lament”. So, to regret something is to mourn it again.

It’s a fascinating concept when you think about it, because it makes sense of the word in practice - we regret things that happened a long time ago. Obviously, we were upset about what happened at the time, and now we are allowing ourselves to get re-upset, to upset ourselves again, to relive that feeling. But, more importantly, one of the purposes of mourning is to come to terms with that grief, so you can eventually come to accept what has come to pass. So, if you are suffering from regret, then that is a sign that you still haven’t come to terms with what has happened - you still need to mourn so that you can finally accept what happened, or what you did, or what was lost...

At the beginning of this post, I said that I don’t believe in regret, and that’s very true. Like I said, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I don’t tend to dwell on them.
In a sense, this is probably a self-defence mechanism for my anxiety. If ever I do find myself dwelling on events from the past, or worrying about their impact on the future, I recognize it for what it is - a ticket aboard a train of thought whose destiny is to be derailed. So, don’t allow me to act all high and mighty here, I do have regrets and I do suffer from them, but I have found that if I don’t quell that regret and if I don’t apply my mind to come to terms with and make sense of those things which happened in my past which presently unsettle or disturb my thoughts, I put myself at risk of greater worry, anxiety and panic.
So, I am forced by circumstance to have greater methods of dispelling regret than most...

Often, I find myself looking at the person I am now. When I was younger, I was occasionally a bully to people I would call friends and that is wrong; but, to me, those actions are a reminder of the value of not just understanding, but empathy - those past experiences taught me to be a better friend. When I was in high school, I often felt superior to others because of my intelligence and sometimes acted like an arsehole to people; today, I’ve learned that feelings of superiority are pitiable, and that attitude reminds me why kindness and equality are most important - those experiences taught me to be a better member of a team. Less than a decade ago, I realized just how much of the world is biased, broken, cruel, harmful, hateful, ignorant & selfish, and so I became quite cynical in response; however, I’ve come to learn that the ability to identify a problem is only the first step, and if you want your dislike of these ills of the world to have any value, you should work to try to solve at least some of them - those experiences taught me to be a better person.

And some of the things I regret weren’t merely learning experiences, but some of them lead to great things. I once regretted having to live with my grandmother, since it was a lot of responsibility, and I was terrified that I would have to see her die; however, now that she’s dead I cherish every single waking moment I could spend with my living grandmother, and that night when I knew she was going to die, I appreciate that I could have the time to grieve, and move on. I once regretted having such low employ-ability, and being trapped at home all the time, but that lead me to starting this blog; through this I met my ex-girlfriend and although we broke up I could never regret the three years we were together since I truly enjoyed those experiences, and my experience of writing for this blog has improved my writing in both enormous, and immeasurably small ways.

And right now, today... the reason I’m thinking about regret today is, I regretted not writing this blog sooner. See, I had decided that I would do a theme of “childhood trauma”, and that I would explore my own traumas, and conceptual trauma, and Goosebumps... and I was going to write it ahead of time. However, that didn’t happen, due to other obligations, and a fair amount of procrastination on my part.
Little did I know that on the very week that I planned to write this Halloween Countdown, my boss would go on holiday - meaning I would be called in for shifts at work every week; on top of that, I also didn’t know that I myself would get sick - I’ve been coughing up phlegm every morning, just to breathe, and my voice sounds ragged and hoarse & lastly, although I knew that we would be moving house, I didn’t know that our internet provider would cut our internet early. A whole lot of everything that could possibly go wrong has fallen on top of me during this year’s blog post.
However, as much as I once regretted that, I now appreciate that I have been able to think on my feet and find ways to get the blog done - by borrowing public Wi-Fi, and using whatever methods I can think of to get the blog written as quickly as possible.
(Editor's Note: I'm currently uploading this at a McDonald's Wi-Fi, and I hate McDonald's, so I hope you appreciate the sacrifices I make for this blog...)

And, of course, I no longer regret it because it helped to inspire today’s blog post... You see, literally everything is going wrong for me at the moment - I have other obligations, I’m as sick as a dog drowning in pea soup & my internet has been taken away. Yet, I am overcoming each obstacle, one at a time, and I am actually kind of enjoying the experience. As a writer, I always appreciate new experiences, because it helps to add detail to my own stories, and can inspire plots in the future. But more than that, it’s encouraging that I can work so well under pressure - it makes me realize just how much I can do in a short time, when I put my mind to it.

I’m the Absurd Word Nerd, and I don’t imagine it is as easy for everyone else to overcome regret, perhaps your regrets are more far-reaching and ever-present... but, I hope that this little reminiscence has helped you to alleviate some of the things that you regret. If not, well, feel free to share your regrets in the comments below - if you think it will help.
Until Next Time, I’m going to move on and see if my throat is clear enough for me to narrate Part 2 of my Childhood Trauma video...