The Torment of Tartarus

Good evening and welcome once again to this dark crevice of the web. For those of you tormented souls that frequent around this morbid time of year, I hope you are looking forward to the coming nights of the macabre. For the rest of you that are unaware, or otherwise mentally impaired, I invite you to celebrate with me, for tonight is anniversary of my ill-fated birth.

For, I was born thirteen nights before Halloween, and so in celebration of this dark time, I count down the nights with a post each night, like a grain of sand trickling down the hourglass.

But this year, to me, is especially sinister, because I am twenty-seven years old. And twenty-seven happens to be my favourite number . . .
I’m not exactly sure why, but it has always appealed to me. It could be because 27% of the universe is said to be Dark Matter, in the standard Lambda-CDM model of cosmology; it could be because there are twenty-seven bones in the human hand; it could be because the titular being of pure evil from Stephen King’s novel, known only as ‘IT’ returns to Derry every 27 years; it could be because Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain & Amy Winehouse, as well as every other member of the 27 Club died at the age of twenty-seven.
Either way, tonight it is my birthday, and so we are beginning the Halloween Countdown:

A count of the days, counting down from thirteen,From today, thirteen nights till we see Halloween.

In the last few years, I have noticed that I have a tendency to prefer psychological horror. The words that have corrupted these countdowns with their theme have been “ignorance”, “anxiety” and “waste” - words relating to sickness of the mind, absence of thought and how people waste the time that is their life. Even when the words were “bloody” and “monster”, I spoke more about the horror of thinking like a monster, or how the the thought of blood and weakness. I’ve never truly embraced physical horror.
For this reason, this year, the Word of the Day is: ‘TORTURE’

Torture /’tawchə/ n. 1. The act of inflicting excruciating pain, as punishment or revenge, as a means of getting a confession or information, or for sheer cruelty. 2. A method of inflicting such pain. 3. (often pl.) The pain or suffering caused or undergone. 4. Extreme anguish of body or mind; agony. 5. A cause of severe pain or anguish. ♦v.t. 6. Tor·tured,Tor·tur·ing. To subject to torture. 7. To afflict with severe pain of body or mind: My back is torturing me. 8. To force or extort by torture: We'll torture the truth from his lips! 9. To twist, force, or bring into some unnatural position or form:trees tortured by storms. 10. To distort or pervert (language, meaning,etc.).

This year, rather than spine-tingling, blood-curdling, disturbing horror, I want to traverse into the realm of blood, pain, gore & viscera. I want real harm. So, rather than a “dark crevice”, this year, the blog is more of a “deep chamber”, a torture chamber for these sad and innocent victims.
I have this obsession with psychological torture because, to me, it's the more robust kind of torture. As someone who occasionally suffers from his own insanity, I feel a very clear and present danger from the demons that lurk within my psychoses. And as someone who has lived a very privileged life - privileged enough to have earned 27 years of it so far - pain isn't something that I encounter in my life. At least, not pain inflicted upon me, anyway.
As well, since writing is the passion that I've been cursed with, physical pain feels much less meaningful in a story. I can't exactly stab the reader when I want them to empathize with my characters, but I can potentially make them feel a little scared, a little worried, a little lost and alone. Psychological torture is more transmissible in words, and thus it seems more powerful in writing. After all, if I do nothing but cut my characters into pieces, then the story will be rather boring. After all, there's only so many times you can swing an axe before your arm gets tired . . .

Not to mention that there are some who can brave the blade, face the firestorm and come out moderately unscathed. It's often seen as a kind of heroism to face torture and come out the other side. Survival is, after all, a virtue. And, unless you're the kind of person who giggles at cripples, even those amongst us scarred and dismembered by physical torture are seen as whole and valid persons. Whereas, if you are scarred by psychological torture, it can change the way you live your life.

But, this point of view is narrow. As though someone had stabbed an apple-corer in my eye, I am not seeing the full picture. People are not merely "scarred" or "unscarred"; writing isn't merely about "feeling" or "unfeeling" & torture is not simply either "psychological" or "physical".
The world is painted in shades of grey - dare I say, more than a mere fifty - and where these ideas all intermix in an unmitigated gradient is the place that we'll be exploring in this Halloween Countdown.

I have plans for lists and editorials about pain and tortures both old and new; works of torturous fiction; melancholy explorations of the true horrors of torturing the innocent & explicit writings of tortures that we inflict upon ourselves.
If that pleases you… then you are one sick individual, and exactly the kind of person who will enjoy the next fortnight or so. Stick around as we count our way down to Halloween.

Until next time, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I'll be seeing you again real soon. Sleep tight.

Cruel to the Kind, or Abusing the Civility of Retail Etiquette

I don't like talking about myself too much, since it seems pretty egotistical. Even if this is my blog, I want to appeal to more people than just . . . well, myself. However, something I've encountered in my life lately has started me thinking about mental health, power and control. See, very recently, I got a job. Two, in fact, one in retail and another in hospitality. Now, my bosses at both of these places are fantastic, and unusually short women, who otherwise have little in common. I think they are great bosses, especially since I have worked at a much worse venue in the past. Since I don't work there anymore, I don't really fear telling you that I once worked at "Tuppy's on the Riverside" and I quit after three weeks because my boss was verbally abusive, and I decided that I would rather leave than have a panic attack.
But, in both of these workplaces where I currently work, I enjoy the work, the employers and the staff . . . however, I have noticed an unusual trend amongst a small subset of the customers, which I find mildly offputting. Now, as these are service industries, I get an awful lot of customers who walk through the door, a fair chunk of humanity that uses these venues. They peruse and occasionally purchase and/or consume the food and beverages or wares that my workplaces supply. However a few people, probably few enough that I could count on one hand, seems to abuse the customer/provider relationship. I don't believe that they are doing this on purpose, in fact in some cases I know that they definitely are not, but it doesn't change the fact that these people are abusing staff, not by swearing or being violent or offensive, but by exploiting the enforced - and often purchased - civility of staff. The Word of the Day is: 'SERVILE'

Servile /'servuyl/ adj. 1. Weakly allowing another to have control; obsequious: Servile manners. 2. Of or relating to slaves; abject: servile obedience.

If you're not a part of the hospitality or retail industry, you may not be aware, but there is a kind of customer that tends to spend more time socializing than actually buying or even attempting to buy goods. In some workplaces, these people are colloquially known as "Counter Monkeys" (as they tend to hang around the counter), or when I spoke to my older brother who has worked in Games Workshop for many years, he called them "Time Vampires", as they tend to absorb quite a lot of your time.
Now personally I don't mind these people much, because I work in an Op Shop and a Cafe respectively, and being a friendly part of the community is part of the appeal of these places. We can't always offer a steak, or the latest brands, but we can offer something friendly and cosy unlike those bigger stores. I like a good chat as much as the next person, and I can learn a lot about the community, as well as life in general, by chatting with customers.
The problem with this is that it creates a kind of stilted relationship between customers and staff, especially if you frequent a store regularly. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my interactions with the people that come into my store, but there is an unusual imbalance, based on the fact that I am trying to sell you something.
I want my store to be appealing, I want to seem as friendly and open as possible & I want you to feel comfortable so that you will give me your money and not regret it. I don't lie to customers, but I don't give them the truth in the same way I would if I was being perfectly honest. So, when a child picks up a fragile piece of crockery or glass, I don't say "put that down, it's fragile", I say "that's expensive, my dear, please be careful", and most of the time their parent hears the word expensive, and makes them put it down. Or, when someone asks for three sugars in their coffee, I don't say "ugh, that's way to much sugar", instead I say "we can offer honey, if you like your coffee really sweet", or, if I know them well enough I just say "okay".
You see, it's not lying, it's just sugarcoated. I add a layer of nicety upon what might otherwise be a bit obtrusive. Because you're not paying to be judged or ridiculed or spoken down to, you're coming to have a need taken care of, and I am the caretaker. In fact, moreso than that, because I work in service industries, I am your server. I am serving you, and whilst I have certain powers to remove you from the store if you break an obvious rule, I am still essentially under contract to serve you, I am basically a retail/hospitality "servant".

However, one of the most insidious things that happens in my workplace is when customers, or simply "perusers", take advantage of the fact that I (and my coworkers) have to be nice. There are some people, that come into the store, and whilst they do occasionally purchase a thing or two, they spend the majority of their time - and I am talking between half an hour to two hours - chatting. And I can tell that they are coming more for the chat than the products. But, it's not just a civil conversation or a bit of local gossip, but rather the person is lonely and they don't have anyone else to talk to, so they are talking to me because I am unable to walk away.
I call it Retail Abuse.
Now, I'm not trying to be all dark and edgy saying "this is the worst thing in the retail industry". No, far from it. I know that sexual harassment, verbal abuse & drug abuse are rife in several hospitality and retail venues. Thankfully, nothing of that sort has taken place in my workplaces (at least, not that I'm aware of, and I hope it never happens). But, I use the word "abuse" because, these people are using retail for their own purposes, using it wrong. The customer-retailer relationship exists so as to facilitate sales without conflict, and with a degree of comfort, but they are using it to suit their own selfish needs.
And don't get me wrong - like I said, I enjoy a good conversation. If you live on your own and like having a chat with local businesspeople, or you are friends with the local cafe owner, you are not what I am talking about. So, if you like to be friendly with staff when you're out and about and in a good mood, please don't think that I am trying to tell you that you're doing the wrong thing by being nice. It's not chatting with staff and trying to be friendly that is the problem. It's taking advantage of the fact that I have to be nice.

Here's the key difference, and some major red flags that you're dealing with customers who are abusing your hospitality:
- They will come straight to the front counter before looking at anything in the store, or the menu.
- When they aren't speaking to you, they will stand awkwardly near the counter and glance around.
- They will always want to talk, but never about you, rather about themselves or their experiences.
- If you speak to another customer, they will attempt to interrupt, or even join the conversation.
- They will bring up personal issues, such as medical, personal or family problems, apropos of nothing.

As I hope you can tell, the problem is specifically that these people aren't treating you like a friend, but rather they are self-medicating their loneliness with these social interactions with service staff.
See, these people aren't being friendly, they don't want friends. If I was the friend of one of these people I would honestly tell them "look, I understand that you're lonely, but you're smothering me with how needy you are. There are other ways to socialize."
Or, if it was one of my best friends, I would either sit them down and have a heart to heart about their serious issues; unless they were just spending hours talking about nothing, I would simply say "Fuck off, I have shit to do. Talk later, okay?".
So, either these people don't have friends, or all of their friends have already given them the "I have shit to do" speech, and so they've ended up on the other side of my counter - or someone else's. But, since I'm not their friend, rather a paid employee of a business, I can't tell them "fuck off". Instead, I have to make small talk whilst they make idle conversation for hours at a time.

I am not trying to be unfair to these people, so I won't give you names or identifying details for the Retail Abusers I know, even though they've definitely told me plenty enough to share. But, I know for a fact that amongst them are alcoholism, acquired brain injuries, mental illness & physical disabilities.
Where I work, there is a methadone clinic, a hospital, a care home & a mental health facility all not too far away. The fact that we have so many healthcare services nearby probably explains why I know half a dozen or so of these people, but I am sure that a few other people with other undiagnosed issues must also abuse the friendliness of staff in other suburbs and in other venues.

And sure, I get that these people may not recognize that what they're doing is socially toxic, and the only thing stopping me from telling them to go is away is the fact that I am a paid employee and I am sugar-coating my conversations. And I guarantee that they don't fully understand that, by interacting with me in this customer-provider relationship, I am essentially their servant and they have a certain level of control and power in this dynamic which means that I cannot tell them how I really feel or - in some cases - how little I actually care.
Worst of all, because I am there to be hospitable, and not make people feel uncomfortable, I cannot tell these people what they really need to hear - which is that I can tell they have some underlying social or mental issue and that they need to seek professional help, rather than self-medicating their issue by chatting to strangers about nothing.

I understand all these things. But, that doesn't excuse the fact that I feel exhausted, trapped and abused when I am forced to talk to these people due to the social contract of the worker-client relationship.
That is Retail Abuse. I'm sure it happens in other industries, but retail is where I encounter it most, and retail is most often typified by the "employee stuck behind a counter, interacting with customers" dynamic. If other people like this term, but think it deserves a better name, I won't complain, but this is what I called it when I spoke to my boss about it, and she understood what I meant.

Lately, when I encounter customers like this, I do what my boss told me to do: I do my job. Not in a dismissive "stop whining and get to work" way, but rather, I price donations and sort shelves. I clean shelves or tables and I rearrange the cups and plates again. Because that way, the person can see that I am at work, I am not their friend at the store, but I am a paid employee doing a job.
And look, this isn't the worst thing in the world. It doesn't happen that often, and I still love my job. This is just one aspect that bothers me, and I do think it shouldn't happen especially for the sake of the Retail Abusers themselves - I may be a stopgap for their loneliness, but I am not a real friend, and surely someone else can help them more than I ever could. And if you find yourself the victim of Retail Abuse, I hope this has helped, and feel free to leave a comment below detailing your experiences (although I advise against naming names, for legal reasons), as you shouldn't feel like someone's amicable servant, just because you've picked a job where you are serving people.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and beyond everything I've detailed here . . . I absolutely love my jobs, and I look forward to the experiences, skills and financial support that it will bring me in the future. I also hope to complete more blog posts, as I've been gone for a few months. That needs rectifying.
So, until next time, I am going to work on a new blog post, well, now. I hope you get to see that sooner rather than later.

Re$urrection

A few years ago now, I wrote a blog post called Party Mu$ic all about a particular singer I'm rather fond of, formerly known by the stagename of: Ke$ha
There were some jokes peppered throughout, but it was a serious character analysis of a singer who seemed to deliberately evoke a partygirl character, and rather than deconstruct it, she expanded it to encapsulate the character in all of its depth, despite how shallow that depth ultimately may have been.

It was a fun character piece of a singer whose music I rather like, and it's not something I ever thought I'd find myself writing about again. However, the real world has not been kind to any of us, let alone the woman who performs Ke$ha.
And that's something we need to remember, "Ke$ha" is a caricature, but she is performed by a real woman called Kesha Rose Sebert (for the sake of clarity, I will refer to the real person as Miss Sebert, and the singing persona as "Ke$ha", even though Miss Sebert has dropped the dollar sign from her stage name). Whereas Ke$ha is an unemployed, partying, simply-minded, functional alcoholic, singer and occasionally mildly romantic and sexually explorative young girl . . . Miss Sebert is an unconventional, highly-educated, Californian, talented, young musician and artist. Unfortunately, whereas Ke$ha is a fictional character, an exaggeration of reality impervious to conflict beyond that inflicted by her medium, Miss Sebert is a human being, and so when she was abused and assaulted by the hands of those in the music industry, in particular a man who goes by the name of Dr Luke, born Lukasz Gottwald (the record producer that owns Miss Sebert's contract), she was hurt in more ways than one.

[Blogger's Note: It occurs to me that, throughout most of this post, I include the accusations, and in some case explicit details of actual claims of rape, assault and abuse. I don't want to go triggering a panic attack or PTSD episode in any of my readers, so if you have reason to believe that will happen, please consider yourself warned and take necessary steps to avoid that.]

In October 2014, just a year after I wrote my original post in fact, Miss Sebert filed a civil suit against Dr. Luke -  for infliction of emotional distress, gender-based hate crimes and employment discrimination. She claimed that Dr. Luke had sexually, physically, verbally and emotionally abused her for the entirety of her professional singing career, and that he had drugged and raped her on more than one occasion; made threats against her and her family and called her derogatory names which were directly responsible for an eating disorder that she suffers from.

Unfortunately, her suits have all been denied by both the courts and the alleged perpetrators. However, some of these have been thrown out due to technicality, such as the statute of limitations and insufficient evidence. So, whilst you or I may have enough reason to believe that she is the victim of abuse, there is legal precedent that shows these reasons would not stand up in a court of law.
But, I'm not here to condemn or redeem alleged abusers. Not because I don't think it's important, but because I'm underqualified and uninformed as to many of the facts of these cases, so I hope that someone else might have more information in this regard.

All you need to know, for the purposes of this blog post, is that Miss Sebert is a musician who performs as Ke$ha, she claims to have been a victim of assault and as a result of the legal battles she has undergone, did not produce any music for four years (early 2013 to mid-2017) as a result of the prolonged legal proceedings.

See, after all that time, she finally released a comeback single on July 2017, called Praying which has thinly-veiled references to her abuser and the suffering she was put through. The song managed to reach #22 on Billboard's Hottest 100. Not long after on August 2017, she released her third studio album, called Rainbow which debuted at #1 on Billboard's Top 200.
It may not seem like a big deal at first, but there was a very high likelihood that after these allegations surfaced, Miss Sebert would never have been heard from again.

There have been several cases in the past whereby being the victim of abuse, assault or suffering was career suicide, especially if you went public with it.

Taylor Swift is a famous singer who claims that during a photo-shoot she was groped by David Mueller, a morning radio host, and when he sued her, calling her claims defamatory, she countersued him for the assault. Despite the courts finding in her favour, and also donating $250,000 to Miss Sebert after she lost her own court case, people demonized her actions, and the only possible "reason" seems to be that Taylor Swift wasn't very popular at the time of her trial. She had a reputation in the media for being a liar [you can look this up for yourself, but  her latest album, Reputation is about that controversy]. Despite winning her case, several people (including some celebrities I won't name) claimed that having a man forcefully grab your butt without consent "didn't count" as sexual assault.
As a direct result of retaliating against her assaulter and responding to sexism, Swift was publicly criticized and her image suffered.

Janice Dickinson is an actress and model who claims to have been raped by Cosby in 1982. When Dickinson wrote a memoir which included the details of this rape, she claims that Cosby and his lawyers threatened legal ramifications if she did not remove said details.
As a direct result of being raped, she was threatened with legal action. If she had gone ahead with the memoir, she could have lost a great amount of time to that case, which for some performers can be the end of their career.

Corey Feldman is a former child star who claims to have been molested as a child by several different people in the film industry, amongst which he has named Ron Crimson, Marty Weiss, Cloyd Jon Grissom & Alphy Hoffman. He also claims that he has good reason to suspect that paedophilia is rampant in the film industry.
As a direct result of these abuses, he and fellow child star Corey Haim fell victim to drug addiction, as one of his abusers was a dealer. This led to his co-star's death in 2010 from an overdose, and due to being sent to and from rehab throughout his life, his acting career has suffered.

Timothy Heller is a female musician (with a "boy" name, but Miss Heller is a girl), who claims that on or around the date of June 25th, 2015, she was raped by her best friend, Melanie Martinez, a fellow singer. After being solicited for sex multiple times over the course of two days, and saying no in every way she could imagine, the two smoked cannabis together and Heller claims that despite rejecting Miss Martinez's advances, she was molested and penetrated with a sex toy without her consent. Because the accused is also female, it appears as though Miss Heller's claims of assault have been largely ignored, but more importantly, because both of these women have a large online following due to their indie music reputations, an allegation of rape appears to have become a bizarre fandom rivalry. But, in a very sad twist to this tale, it appears that Miss Heller still held some favour for her rapist, to quote her directly: "I still love them in a fucked up way", and so seeing the accused suffer backlash from these allegations - despite how slight that backlash has so far been - has also impacted Miss Heller negatively.
As a direct result of being raped by her friend, Miss Heller (who already suffered mental health issues) struggled with codependency and insecurity. Her own reputation has been sunk as she is continuously called a liar, and a fake by zealous fans of her accused rapist.

And these aren't just my own speculation based on hearsay - the Guardian wrote an amazing piece with firsthand accounts from several women whose media careers were ended or derailed as a result of being sexually harassed or assaulted.

As it turns out, that whole "rape culture" thing that people talk about isn't just something feminists made up. Because I was so right it almost hurts, I'm going to go ahead and quote Festering an Unclean Culture, my blog post about rape culture:

"Rape Culture is the concept that certain attitudes and practices of a society - especially those which are sexist and promote inequality -  can normalize, excuse, tolerate & even condone rape and sexual violence.When I say "certain attitudes" I am talking about sexual objectification, victim-blaming; misandry/misogyny; rape trivialization & desensitization towards sexual assault."

—The Absurd Word Nerd, 2014

But, I'm not here to congratulate myself on my genius . . . well, not exclusively. Rather, I'm actually here to congratulate Miss Sebert, Kesha herself.
See, it appears that not only has the greater majority of Miss Sebert's reputation remained intact, and her credibility has not waned, despite the length and difficulty of her legal battle. Not only does it appear that she has overcome the greater pain and personal struggle of what she has suffered, in whatever capacity that took. But even moreso than that, she appears to have defied the odds and returned to her career without waning in quality, or (perhaps more importantly) losing her audience.
Don't get me wrong, at time of writing her legal battles are still ongoing and the legal system seems to have, again and again, failed to achieve anything resembling justice. But, the unstoppable partygirl is dancing again and making new music which she'd been prevented from doing for several years due to her contract.


I admit that when I first heard about the Kesha v. Dr. Luke lawsuit, I thought she was a goner. For the reasons I've already written about, and because of the history of past victims that I've just listed. In fact, there is an amazing piece written for the New York Times detailing the contractual limbo Miss Sebert found herself in, since her producer was unfit to do his job. I thought that she would disappear, perhaps return with a fizzle, but be lost to the mainstream and hidden. And since I had found her so fascinating (and because I'm a decent human being that doesn't like it when people suffer), I was saddened by that.
So, when she came back not only hitting the ground running, but when she came back swinging with an album that is an anthem for the oppressed; that celebrates female empowerment; which expresses her rage at those who made her suffer, that encourages self-worth and self-forgiveness & promotes moving stridefully into the future . . . that's not just a comeback, that's a goddamned resurrection.

My personal favourite song from the album would have to be Hymn, an anthem for the irreligious; with Praying, her visceral, heartfelt open letter to her abuser a close second. However, in regards to this whole mess - including what I've spoken about in this post - it is most fitting that the song which gives the album its name is Rainbow, a song all about how she has learned to move past depression, suffering & stress in her life, and encouraging others to finding the rainbow on their horizon after the storm.

And since Miss Sebert has changed a lot herself, Ke$ha, has as well. Whereas in the past, Ke$ha was singing about liquor and glitter, and enjoying the life you can live in them, now she's singing about rainbows and monsters and aliens, adding a touch of magic and fantasy to her repertoire of things that makes life more exciting. But as well as the fun and excitement, she has songs about sadness, anger and pride.
She has changed quite a lot, I can still see that same partygirl in there, wanting to get up and dance. But this time, Ke$ha is a little older and a little wiser. Sure, she's still just as refreshingly crude and she still just wants to live life to the fullest and dance, but now she also wants to encourage others to dance - especially those who have fallen off the dancefloor . . .

You'll find a rainbow, rainbow, baby
Trust me, I know life is scary
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and play along with me tonight . . .

You gotta learn to let go, put the past behind you
Trust me, I know, the ghosts will try to find you
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and paint the world with me tonight . . .

And the most amazing part of this? The Ke$ha persona we see now is much more akin to the character that Miss Sebert always wanted to encapsulate her music. To quote from Kesha Rose Sebert herself:

“I was like, ‘I am fun, but I’m a lot of other things.’ But Luke’s like: ‘No, you’re fun. That’s all you are for your first record.’ . . . To this day, I’ve never released a single that’s a true ballad, and I feel like those are the songs that balance out the perception of you, because you can be a fun girl. You can go and have a crazy night out, but you also, as a human being, have vulnerable emotions. You have love.”

—Kesha, Interrupted by Taffy Brodesser-Akner, Oct 2016

The reason her partygirl persona intrigued me so much was because I could see artistry and depth in her despite how unashamedly shallow she was, and I wanted to see more and as it turns out, so did she. Now, that depth is more than just a shadow, and she's portraying a rounded, human experience. I wish I could say that I expected that, but I genuinely didn't, I just thought that person writing the songs was incredibly talented, and it's fantastic to see that realized to a greater potential, when all I was hoping for was just to hear more from that glitter-soaked partygirl.
In fact, I still do. I hope you do too, because this isn't the last we'll hear from her. . .