Stumbling Block

Forgive me, I'm a little bit out of sorts at the moment. To begin with, I'm getting over a bout of gastroenteritis, and after Easter I got a burn in my mouth which gives me a persistent headache which flares up whenever I eat or drink, and is only ever relieved with painkillers. Also, I've recently begin volunteering at a café as part of my jobsearch efforts, but at first there was a huge administrative error with the Job Service Provider I was assigned to. On my first day of work, they labelled me as absent despite me working the full time because of the truancy of another person whose name is similar to mine. So, my service provider attempted to put me back, but they assigned me to the same address with a different job description; it was only through discussion with both my service provider and the centre that I was finally given placement where I truly wanted to be - working in that cute, little café. So you see, I'm not quite on-balance yet, I've yet to maintain lock-step with either my mind or my timetable. The Word of the Day is: 'RHYTHM'

Rhythm /'rithəm/ n. 1. Movement in a (regular) pattern of time, especially with beat, accent, etc. 2. a. A pattern of regular or irregular pulses caused in music or speech by the occurrence of strong and weak beats. b. A particular form of this: duple rhythm; triple rhythm. 3. Art The proper relation of parts to each other and to an artistic whole. 4. A pattern of regularity in hanging elements or conditions: The rhythm of the seasons.

See, I'm just trying to find my rhythm, I want to get into a cycle whereby I can sleep, wake, work, write, eat, socialize & repeat, all without losing momentum. But, I'm not there yet. Perhaps it's just a cruel irony that this is happening in March, a month whose name is a homonym for walking in a regular, measured and deliberate manner . . .
But, part of the reason that it's so hard for me to find that balance is because my work and writing schedule has taken a major shake-up. For those of you that have been paying close attention -especially if you're on a desktop, as the mobile view often hides formatting on the side- you will have noticed that I have altered the "Follow Me" section of this blog. If my settings are just right . . .

you'll see what I'm talking about right over here →

If not, maybe you're on a mobile device, or you've adjusted the size of your window or you have different browser settings. But the point is, I have a couple of fun links around this blog. There's links straight to Duke Forever, an archive, a translator and some links to the right in my "Follow Me" section lead to my Tumblr and Google+ pages. But recently, I also added one for YouTube.
If it's not clear already, I'm considering making some stuff for YouTube. I have a lot of ideas, and I've been searching around for ways to accomplish this with the least hassle and the greatest quality. But, as with my work schedule, I'm still a little unsteady on my feet. See, I still want to keep this blog up and running, so I've been doing some planning to keep all my plates spinning and make sure that nothing - least of all this blog - smashes to pieces on the ground.

See, my plan is to alter my online presence so as to have a three-headed approach to my content. The first will be my primary YouTube channel, KelniusTV, on that channel I plan on creating serialized fiction. I will give no further details than that, and I can't say that any of it is currently up and running, but I have some projects already completed.
The second will be my secondary channel, Critical Eye View, which I have set up for the purposes of critique, review and analysis on a wide array of topics, particularly stories, culture and religion. This one is currently undergoing the greatest amount of pre-production, as the format I am seeking to employ will be the easiest to create content for.
Finally, this very blog, Absurd Word Nerd. I don't plan on changing this blog very much, except that I may have to maintain a "piecemeal" approach to blogging, I don't think I'll return to my "1 post every 3 days" structure, but hopefully I'll be at more than one a month in the coming weeks. However one thing I see myself doing different is adding a feature to this blog of "behind the scenes". I already do that to a degree, but even in the pre-production side of things, I've seen and discovered things in the filming, production and development of these channels which I wouldn't mind talking about in greater detail. Oh, and I may even be more inclined to share a video or two on this blog; videos which are not freely available on my YouTube channels.

So, that's what I'm up to. Of course, I'm still a little dizzy from all this flip-flopping and changing schedule, and trying to get used to the new state of affairs, so (at time of writing, at least) none of this preparation I've been doing has resulted in any video content, so don't get ahead of yourself or ahead of me. But, I'm working on it.

Oh, and one other thing . . . Duke Forever. I've come to realize that this project of mine was overly ambitious. See, to me, Duke provided an opportunity to flourish my writing arts in a new genre, and to explore writing opportunity without pressure, whilst also forcing myself to try harder.
Yet, with all these new projects, Duke Forever could not survive . . . not in its original plans, anyway. However, that is not to declare the story over - oh no, I still plan on continuing Duke Forever! But, I've changed around my planning schedule, effectively cutting my work in half. I've shortened the length of each planned volume, and I've adjusted story-archs and plotlines, re-arranging chapters and folding them into future volumes to better allow for succinct writing.
Don't get me wrong, I am not short-changing my readers, a lot of the planning I had done for Duke Forever was preliminary and overly ambitious, and I am confident that my current outline for the story will not only be easier to write, but also easier to read.

In conclusion, things are shaking up around here, and I apologize if it seems like I am just over-promising and under-delivering. But, before I go, let me just say that I made myself a promise this year. I didn't like that there were such large gaps in my archive last year and while I knew that I would be posting few and far between, as I wrote about, I promised that I would write at least once every month. Now, while today is the last day of the month, I still managed to keep that promise to myself.
And I consider that a promise to you. Yes, it may be last minute; yes, I may push myself harder than I should and yes, maybe I could have planned it all better.

But, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I will still do what I have to do to get it done . . .

Underprivilege

Gay people are boring.

I want you to look at that sentence and think about what it means to you, because, the way you're feeling now is the way that I probably once felt about it myself. Yes, I am an ally; no, I am not suddenly adjusting my moral compass & no, that is not meant as any kind of insult.
But, the fact that I feel like I need to add such disclaimers is kind of the crux of my point, which is that homosexuality is actually not very interesting.
The Word of the Day is: 'DEUTERAGONIST'

Deuteragonist /dyūtə'ragənəst/ n. Ancient Greece the actor next in importance to the protagonist.

So, what the hell am I talking about? Well, see, this all started because I recently have been really getting into stand-up by Patton Oswalt, and I agree with all of his points, if not in practice then at least in principle. But, there was one comedy piece he did which, when he first said it, it kind of offended me as an ally of LGBT rights [Author's Note: This is the very reason why offense is meaningless; I was offended by my inference, not by the implication, and so if I had chosen to call Patton Oswalt an offensive homophobe or close-minded, not only would I be wrong, but I would have closed off my own mind to the epiphany I had on this very topic. I have said more about offense in prior posts, feel free to read them, but only after finishing reading this one.]
But, after thinking about it, I once again found myself agreeing with Mr Oswalt. Now, I'll stop holding you in suspense, the bit I'm talking about is within his Finest Hour stand-up comedy DVD, wherein he says he wants to be the first ever dumb gay best friend in movie history. Because whenever a gay person is in media, they are all characterized as the perfect sidekick, like an out-of-the-closet gandalf that clicks his fingers and can calm your worries.
Oh, and did I mention that they're men? I've never seen the gay best friend as a woman, because all lesbians are either manly or sex maniacs, right?

But anyway, in Oswalt's own words:
"I have a lot of gay friends, and a lot of my gay friends are idiots, just like my straight friends. But in every movie, all gay characters are these magical, intelligent quip machines. Which, if you're gay, has got to feel really dehumanizing after a while."

Now, I agree that gay people don't get enough fair representation in media, but when I first heard this bit, I thought "Well, yeah, it's bad that they're being reduced to this stock character rather than fleshed out, but wouldn't it just be better to have more gay protagonists? Or, just more interesting characters? Why do they have to be dumb?"
And that's not a position that's diminished per se, that's why I chose the word of the day, deuteragonist, it's like we're okay with gay people being around because they are interesting, but we don't want them in the limelight. So long as they don't take centre stage, we're happy with them being in the play.

But, to answer that question of "why do they have to be dumb?", let's move forward a month. Because, for Christmas my family got a new TV and a few fancy devices to attach to it, and so my brother set us up with Netflix. I have a couple of things to say in favour of some of the shows on there, especially Marvel superhero series, but today I am talking about gay characters so I want to mention Felix, from Orphan Black.
Now, should you watch that show? Yes, absolutely, go watch it now! Seriously, it's online, you can just open a new tab; but, after you're done binge-watching your fair share of episodes, come back here to finish reading.
 . . . are you done? Well, whether or not you've watched the show, don't worry, this is spoiler-free, this is about the conception of his character. See, Felix is one of the main characters, and he is clearly and openly gay and he does follow a lot of the "gay best friend" tropes. However, he is actually the main character's brother and he has a lot of flaws; he's a party boy, does a lot of drugs and he's a bit of a slut, and I don't dislike Felix, he is an adorable and awesome character. While I think that Felix is a good evolution of the trope adding in flaws and characterization and sex-positivity and an emotional centre, I have to say that it made me re-analyze my view of what Patton Oswalt said.

See, there are no stupid gay friends in media. At least, not in the limelight, not in the mainstream. Felix is awesome, but he's kind of too awesome, and he still that have that pixie-ish I-will-lead-you-to-happiness gay-friend aspect to him which, despite all of his greater achievements, makes me question the state of homosexuality in film and television. And, before posting this, my Beloved pointed out a series of gay characters with flaws . . . but most of them were still idealized, and otherwise they weren't all that iconic or mainstream, I had not heard of most of them.

Also, I recently looked this up, and I'm not the only person to have noticed this issue. Not that long ago an old, famous gay artist came out to say that "Marriage and Kids is boring, it's sad that we're losing that Bohemian lifestyle", and in response a lot of gay people responded, including Brian Moylan, the writer of this article, "In Defense of Being Gay and Boring" which covers this from a much more personal perspective, as the writer is himself proudly "gay and boring"; to me, this is the goal, after all . . . to reach an equality so prevalent that it's not unusual, interesting or even noteworthy that you are gay, you are judged for your personhood, not your sexuality.

This became abundantly clear to me when I thought about my brother. See, I don't talk about it, but my brother is gay. The reason I don't talk about it isn't because I am embarrassed or worried about what people with think or any of that . . . it's because it's really boring. My brother is my brother, and he's always been my brother. When he came out as gay, we weren't surprised, we were just like "Oh yeah, I thought so," and that was that.
And he was never some bastion of fantastic advice, in fact I was always antagonistic towards my brother. Not because I'm bothered by his sexuality, but because he's an idiot. He is incredibly headstrong and arrogant, he's capitalist to a fault and he is judgemental, and he voted for Tony Abbott. The fact that he loves men just doesn't really matter at all, if anything that's the least annoying thing about him (he's my sibling after all) it doesn't change the fact that he's just my dumb, older brother; no different from how my dumb, oldest brother is straight, it really doesn't matter.
On a nicer note, I have another friend whose name I won't mention because I didn't ask his permission to mention him in this post. But, I met him at my Hospo class, and he is hilarious, he has some interesting philosophical views, he's a bit of a nerd, he's a devout atheist, very liberally-minded . . . the fact that he's gay is actually the least interesting thing about him. I didn't even notice until he told me, although that's because I tend to forget to switch on my gaydar, and in retrospect there were a lot of clues. But, when I think of my friends, I don't separate "gay friends" and "straight friends", I probably have a few gay friends, but they don't come to mind because I just have all of my friends, I don't separate them out; it's like asking me about their eye-colour, I could maybe remember a few, but I'd have to think about it, just like I don't separate gay/straight family. They are all just my family and friends.

Now, as much as I love my stupid brother, and as much as I think my friend is hilarious and fun, . . . neither of them live up to Felix. They're not adorably gay, they're not catty, they're not like a "sister", they're not a shoulder to cry on . . . they're just two more people that I am associated with.
That's not to say that I prefer Felix over them, I'm just saying he's a character with more agency and beneficial characteristics within the scenario of the show, with all the capabilities fiction provides. But Felix is not realistic, and his greatest flaw is the absence of flaws.

Am I here to shun all manic, pixie helper "gay best friend" characters in fiction?
Well, no. There are some worrisome aspects, in particular the "helper" role that it implies. I mean, gay people aren't all "sidekicks".
But I can't dismiss all gay friends in fiction, see I entirely understand it. It's a mixture of two things, firstly when writers were finally told that there was a gay demographic, they wanted to promote them as good people, they wanted to portray them in a positive light. And secondly, it is without a doubt gay wish-fulfilment fantasy, and I would never deprive any gay little boys of a role model like Felix.
But, this is 2016 now, we have our role models; and while we shouldn't abandon that trope . . . maybe it is time for the stupid, gay friend. Because as I said, gay people are boring. I don't look at gay people and thing "Oh, how whimsical".
Just as important as it is that we stop demonizing homosexuality, now that we're making the slow march towards equality, we need to also stop holding them up on a pedestal, and instead stand with them side-by-side, as fellow protagonists.

Of course, we may not be there yet . . . if you hear me say "gay people are boring" and you feel offended, that is a remnant of the aggression that comes from militantly defending your position from bigotry. And if you are still fighting that fight, that means that maybe we do need a few more idealistic gay characters. But, if you, like me, have come to realize that gay people are actually just another spice in the grand recipe of society pie that, while satisfying, is neither more or less tasty than any other element, maybe we really do need a gay character who isn't just there to play the helpful second fiddle to the main character . . . and who doesn't know the name of "the three guys with the muskets".

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time, I'm going to watch some more of Patton Oswalt to see what other revelations I may find within.

Material Romance

Valentine's Day approaches, and I find myself looking forward to it. At different points, I find myself being cynical and bitter about the commercialism that comes with Valentine's Day - and in fact, most holidays - and the entire notion of a day dedicated to swapping material things as a representation of romance, to me it takes a lot of the heart out of the holiday.
Now, I am not here to shit on anyone's traditions out of spite. If you like giving expensive gifts, or going to that fancy restaurant or eating those dreadful chalky candy hearts with the sweet puns punched into them, then go for it. Because, to me, this day is about feeling good, and feeling that togetherness, and if you enjoy the schmaltzy, saccharine, pre-packaged Valentine's Day traditions, then that means you're doing Valentine's Day right. However, there are people out there that find Valentine's Day stressful, and I honestly don't understand why.
The Word of the Day is: 'TRINKET'

Trinket /'tringkət/ n. Any small, ornamental article, such as a piece of jewellery, usually of little value.

To begin with, there are quite a few of us that do not have a significant other. Some by choice, some by chance & some by circumstance. For those people, I do understand it, even I once knew February 14th as "Singles Awareness Day".
But, to you, I say don't lose hope, there are others out there who seek to help. My Beloved was telling me that just the other day, she walked by an Anti-Valentine's kiosk in her university. They provided deliberately non-themed cupcakes and sweets for people who don't want to be bombarded by pink and heart-shaped pastry. Apparently it also offered discounts for the heartbroken, and the opportunity to throw pies at people's faces (but don't ask me how either of those work, neither I nor my Beloved quite understood how those would play out).
But, there is a growing number of people that are celebrating Anti-Valentine's Day during this sugary season. Now, I would hesitate to promote this as a good idea because I personally think the rise of the "Happily Single" person is one of the greater delusions of the 2010s, but I do think it's sweet that we cater for all people on Valentine's Day, even those without a significant other, in the interests of spreading the love.

But, within the realm of coupledom, there are also those who find it difficult to find a present for their boyfriend or girlfriend, for various reasons, and I entirely understand that. For me, I understand there to be three primary gift-giving Holidays in regards to your partner: Christmas, their Birthday and Valentine's Day.
And depending on their date of birth, this can cluster all of your gift-bearing into a small couple of months. Not to mention, as Valentine's Day is the "love day" it makes sense that whatever our gift may be it should in some way represent how we feel about them, and a box of tampons won't exactly cut it (unless they are, for some reason, related to the mythology of your relationship; I'm not here to judge).
So, people do worry themselves silly trying to find a gift, but . . . why? See, to me, I don't want my partner to stress, and she doesn't want me to stress; so, when we celebrate Valentine's, we actually talk about what we would want from the other.
I think of it this way, why would you celebrate your love for your girlfriend/boyfriend by doing something on your own? Even gift-giving, I mean, there is nothing about our relationship which I really do on my own, so why would I celebrate our love in secret? Why would I keep her gift hidden from her?
Now now, don't get me wrong, that is what works for us but my point is something will work for you two as well. See, if you and your love like surprises then yes surprise one another! If you have no money worries, by all means dig deep in the wallet and buy them a car or a theme park or a horse or a round-the-world trip.
Your love is not quantified by the price tag of your Valentine's gift, at least it shouldn't be, and if you are stressed about buying something either because you're low on funds or you're panicking about what to get them, then what you're really saying about your relationship is "I find this stressful and I don't want to do it, but I do it because I am expected to".
And hey, I understand . . . if your relationship is reaching a bitter end, I don't want to twist the dagger any deeper, perhaps this isn't the right blog post for you. But, if you are trying to make your relationship work, but you find Valentine's Day to be difficult in any way, shape or form . . . tell your partner.

See, even in a happy relationship, some people have the tendency to envisage Valentine's Day as a microcosm of their relationship, and that the weight of their entire partnership is weighing on their shoulders under the expectation that they will achieve the perfect gift, through sheer force of will, memory, necessity and tradition. But, to me, Valentine's Day is not meant to be about trinkets for their own sake.
See, for this Valentine's Day, I gave my Beloved some socks. Now, I put in the effort, I searched a good four hours non-stop in the search for the perfect pair of socks. Why? Because she wanted a pair of socks, and I wanted to give her a pair of socks, and I wanted to make sure that the socks I got for her would make her smile. This isn't because I had to, it's because I wanted to. Because I was happy knowing that she would be happy with the present she gave me.
Now, as to what my Beloved is getting me? I don't know, because I prefer surprises. I asked her specifically "Do you want me to tell you what I want?", because I knew she was busy, but she told me she knew exactly what she wanted to get me.
We are both happy with what we're giving and recieving. And even if I get nothing more than a penny, I will still smile and laugh and thank her immensely, because the very fact that she sent it to me makes me happy.

That's what Valentine's Day is supposed to be. The mutual exchange of gifts to express love. And if you and your partner both think that Valentine's Day is stupid, and you'd rather just go to work or live the day like any other day, then you're actually celebrating the day the way it's meant to be celebrated - you are expressing your love for your partner in a way that is honest and heartfelt, even if that expression is just "fuck Valentine's Day".

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I hope you all have a happy Valentine's Day or Anti-Valentine's Day or Singles Awareness Day or Lupercalia or Ewok Festival of Love, depending on whatever suits your fancy.
Until next time, I'll be spending time with my Beloved, and looking for a way to write more blog posts more often.

Healing Diary: With Thanks to My Psychologist

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the new year.

I haven't written here for a while, it feels weird. Like learning to ride a bike again, it's a little unsteady, but I'm remembering those innate skills.
Today, I want to just write, get it out, because there are things that I want to say, but I am still working it all out in my head. I am not alright, I'm not at my best. I think I am becoming more reclusive. In the summer, it is too hot to go outside, so I spend a lot of time inside, and I stay up late meaning I am most "awake" when it's late, and when I wake up, I feel anxious. And not a fun, excited anxious, or even a worried "oh dear" anxious. It's that brain-strangling, vicious cycle of self-critical thoughts . . . the Mind Trap I described. Thankfully, I have not had a panic attack, but I have become so close that the mere fear of actually having another panic attack is the only things that reminds me that I have ways of avoiding a panic attack.

It's times like this when I see that I have come quite far. I have suffered 3 panic attacks in my lifetime. But, I am determined to stop it there. Three, and only three; and the best part is that I think I can.

And a lot of that is thanks to the help of my psychologist, Dr Mona.

I won't reveal her full name, or specifically what was said in sessions. Not because I am embarrassed, but because there are some issues of privacy.
See, psychology is private. I don't really mind talking about it, because I am choosing to share what I'm going through experiences, but it is private specifically for the sake of providing a safe environment for those who need it. Unless you are at risk to yourself or others, then what you say stays in that room.
Don't get me wrong, there is some information shared between doctor and psychologist, but never without your knowledge. At the end of any session, if Dr Mona wanted to share something with my GP, she made it very clear what she wanted to share and made sure I was okay with that.

So, what is this? Am I just here advertising? Well, I guess so. If you get her as a psychologist, in my opinion she's a good one . . . although, there's more. I think it's more something that I noticed in these sessions which I feel the need to share.

See, as a recovering Chronically Anxious/Depressed person, I know what it's like to be falling down and to get back up, so I try to help people in a way that is open and understanding. I've spoken to people in person and online about what they can do to manage their mental illnesses, and something I've seen a lot is a reticence to go to a doctor.
There seems to be two things people dislike the most, namely medicine and psychology, which I think is kind of funny since those two are the most common methods of dealing with mental illness. But, let's look at these a little differently, shall we?

Firstly, these are not two issues, they are one: Fear that You will Change (for the worse).

And all I can say to that is . . . no. Medicine, even anti-depressants, are not magical. They are not designed to change your thoughts, just your emotions. If you, for example, are depressed because you're lonely, if you take anti-depressants, you won't stop feeling lonely, you'll just stop despairing about it. It doesn't change who you are, just how you feel. Or, if you are agoraphobic and that causes you anxiety, if you are on anti-anxiety medication, you won't suddenly be able to leap out into the street, you'll still be agoraphobic, you just won't be freaking out about it.

Alongside that, while it seems weird, psychology is exactly the same. Dr Mona didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, she didn't force me to change my mind on any ideas. Psychology isn't any kind of propaganda or "education" into the "proper" way of thinking. She did teach me about anxiety, what it is and how it works as well as ways to manage it, but you are never told that what you're doing or thinking is wrong.

You may now be asking "If it doesn't change me, then why bother?"
Well, purely and simply, because anxiety and depression are not you. You are not defined by your mental illnesses, they are - if anything - an addendum to you.
It's an imperfect analogy, but I compare it to a broken leg. If you broke your leg, went to a doctor, they would put a caste/splint on it and do what they can to re-set your leg.
When they take the caste off, are you a different person? No, you don't even have a different leg, the bones just work properly again. Same with your mental illnesses, if you take medication and manage to get to a stable mentality, are you different? No, you're just not suffering from mental illness anymore.

Using myself as an example, I am still myself, I am still quite anxious and I still make a lot of the same mistakes. As I said in the opening paragraph, I have come close to having panic attacks this year. But, do you know why?
Well, I do. I do because I saw a psychologist, and I now recognize that I am not maintaining my mental health. I know that I am not getting enough exercise, I am not structuring my day and I am allowing my anxieties to take control. Most specifically, I am not finding the time to slow my brain down after doing something intellectually busy.
In my instance, I use my brain to write stories, I find connections, I find patterns, I structure stories and I organize my thoughts into these tightly-bound constructions of reflection, perception, understanding, intrigue & fantasy. So, when I stop writing stories, but I am still thinking like a writer, the world is not as tightly structured as a novel, so I become self-reflective and introspective. And when I do that, I look around my mind until I find a thought that doesn't fit into a structure or pattern, something which I don't understand and then I get frustrated because something about my mind is wrong which I can't explain or understand.

This is just me, it can be similar to the way others think but don't be surprised if you are different. This is just using me as an example, but the point is that I understand all of this because of the helping hand of my psychologist. I talked to her about many things, up to and including my blog and writing. By understanding me, and the way my mind-machine works, Dr Mona found ways of fixing it. Just like you put water in a car's radiator BEFORE it overheats, there are also ways of countering anxiety before you have a panic attack. For me, it come from structure and activity, separating those moments of intellectual stimulation from moments of personal introspection, as well as meditation, medication and breathing exercises.

So no, I'm not perfect, but the reason why I am able to function so well these days is because I got help. Even if these things seem like common sense, a psychologist is trained to talk to people who are mentally ill in a way that we find most receptive, and has the knowledge of how to help us be ourselves, who we are meant to be without mental illness causing disorder in our lives.

So, in conclusion, thank you Doctor Mona. And, I hope you don't take it personally, but I hope I never have to see you again.
I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and just by writing this, I feel a little better. I don't think this is the end of the Healing Diary, but it is definitely further from the beginning.