Sunday, 15 February 2015

The Top 5 Worst Things about Having a Perfect Girlfriend

It's not easy being perfect; trust me, I would know. I mean, it's quite a standard to live up to, and some people can't even agree on what that standard is. So, it's really tricky. But, somehow, my girlfriend manages it. She's smart, funny, beautiful, intelligent, caring, sweet & (for some reason) loves me. She's perfect. But, I recognize that there are some people out there who don't have a girlfriend, boyfriend, love pillow or affectionate housepet that they can call their beloved and on a day like Valentine's Day, that state of affairs becomes all the more apparent. So I'm here today to tell you all, it's not that easy to be un-single.
It might seem great, but the grass is always greener, as they say. Now, I'm not talking about fights and compromises; declining beauty with age; annoying habits and "I thought she was great, but then she changed". No, I mean, even if you genuinely have a perfect girlfriend, amazing in every way, it's still not a cakewalk. There are some things about having a perfect girlfriend that are actually kind of annoying, and this is coming from a guy who knows.
These would be applicable to a boyfriend too. but, I don't have a perfect boyfriend, I have a perfect girlfriend, and these are the top five worst things about that:

5. Everyone Else is Imperfect
You may think your house is clean. But if you ever saw it cleaned, immaculate - dusted behind the bookshelf, the walls cleaned spotless, vacuumed under the rug & everything put away - then it would become all the more apparent just how dirty it usually is. By that same measure, if you spend your time around your funny, smart, caring partner you start to realize just how not any of that most other people are.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that all of your friends suck. But, when you see what people can be like, you realize just how petty, illogical, dumb, selfish, unattractive and/or flawed the rest of your friends are. It's one of the reasons I only really have one best friend. No one else compares; most people don't even come close. Again, don't get me wrong, I'm not being elitist, I like my friends and I enjoy hanging out with them. But, to bring up the clean house metaphor, if you saw a dirty mark on someone else's floor, you'd think just how easily they could clean it up. So, when your friends are petty, dumb or selfish, you'll find yourself thinking just how much better it would be if they'd be less . . . not perfect.
This one's low on the list because friends are still friends and it's not the end of the world. But, when your partner isn't there, even if the room is full, you'll still feel lonely without her.

4. Arousal, like, All the Time
When your partner is perfect in every way, they will be very attractive. Not just objectively beautiful, but from your perspective, its as though someone used a 3d printer and fabricated your fantasy. Absolutely stunning. At first glance, that might seem great - they're literally your ultimate fantasy - but, that's the thing. For a one night stand, that's great. Walk in, drop the pants, your ready to go. But for a girlfriend, you don't want to just fuck all the time, you want someone you can take to the movies; invite to your parents' house & go out to dinner with, and that becomes a little awkward if you go through all of that with an iron rod in your trousers (or, Niagara Falls, respectively).
Sex is good, sex is fun, but sex is only one dimension of a loving relationship. Unfortunately, your privates don't understand that. And it gets really awkward if your partner has a bad day and just wants to sit and talk about it, and you have to cross your legs to keep that little distraction at bay.
This is really awkward and frustrating at times, but it is lowest on the list because it's not a huge issue. After a while, you get used to it and it doesn't happen so often. It will happen, and there are days when I look down and ask it "Are you serious, right now?".
But this is only the fourth worst thing . . .

3. With Beauty comes Jealousy
Unless you're a Muslim, you can't hide how beautiful your girlfriend is. And, in a way, I wouldn't want to. I can't lie, I like showing people pictures of my girlfriend, so they can see how beautiful she is, and see how lucky I am; but, it gets to a point . . . if your partner is beautiful, that means that others will probably be attracted to her too, and when other people notice how attractive your girlfriend is, it can be pretty uncomfortable.
I don't want people to be attracted to my girlfriend, that implies they want her for themselves. You can't "have" her; you can get a look, but that's all you get. This is my Beloved, after all, I don't even have her, she has me, so I get a little jealous when people call her "hawt", a "babe" or a "10". There's a difference between complimenting a beautiful woman and drooling over one, and when I see the latter, I get a little jealous, and that can be a problem. Jealous rage isn't cute in the real world; being possessive and controlling gets old fast & if you're not careful, jealousy can easily turn into abuse and drive your loved one away. So, I keep a lid on it, but, when your girlfriend is perfectly beautiful, it's hard to fight that instinct. If she truly loves you, you've got nothing to worry about; but emotions are not always logical and it's hard to fight the green-eyed monster.

2. There's Always a Catch
Perfection is Flawed. I honestly believe that, not only because the idea of perfection is a flawed one, but I also believe that true perfection always has some kind of fault. Everyone has a fault, somewhere. "But wait!" I hear you say "at the start of this, you said no compromises, how can she be flawed if she's perfect?". Well, even if she's perfect, there will be something around her that is not - but not her herself (or himself).
Perhaps her house is in a bad part of town and you feel scared driving there or worry for her. Or, perhaps she has an ex-boyfriend (or he has an ex-girlfriend) that got a bit weird and hangs around. Or maybe she doesn't have much money; I'm not being capitalistic, it costs money to build a life together. Or, perhaps her family will be overprotective or ultraconservative.
In my case, my girlfriend's family is a bit overbearing. It's painful, but it's a pill you have to swallow if you want a perfect girlfriend. Pick your poison, there's going to be something about her that makes the perfect seem a little im-. After all, 90% of Everything is Crap. If your girlfriend is the 10%, that guarantees that she'll be surrounded by some kind of crap. You just have to suck it up.

1. No One Thinks They're Perfect
Part of perfection is humility, being humble enough to doubt your own good qualities. So, it's a little disheartening when the person you love doubts your compliments; when they wonder what it is that keeps you coming back to them and when they don't see how great they are, in your eyes. I understand why it happens, and I'd hate someone conceited enough that they thought they were perfect. But, that's not why this is number one.
See, another part of being a perfect partner, is having them truly love you back. It's a beautiful thing, and it's part of what makes a relationship so perfect. However, this leads to the worst part about having a perfect girlfriend. A perfect girlfriend is beautiful, smart, funny & cool . . . and she loves you back. That means that she will think that you are perfect for her. Whether that's true or false, what's difficult is that you'll be putting her through everything she's putting you through. She could easily write her own list of the 5 Worst things about Having a Perfect Boyfriend. And you're not going to believe it when she says you're perfect; because no one thinks they're perfect. The worst part about having a perfect girlfriend is that it feels unreal, it's hard to believe. Why is she with me? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I this lucky?
You'll doubt yourself, you'll doubt that you're good enough and you won't believe that you are to her what she is to you. I mean, how could you both be so lucky?  I have no idea . . .

- - -

Of course, it's not all bad, in fact there are quite a few great things about being in a relationship. A "Best Things" version of this list would be over 100 items long and take too long to write. I was going to write that, but instead consider this that list by omission.
I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and for all of you that are still single, I hope this list has made you feel a little better about that. And if you're not, well, I hope you've had an awesome Valentine's Day.

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