The second reason is that when I let my mind wander, if I don't occupy my mind, I have intrusive thoughts. I can manage them, but for the longest time, the most persistent and intrusive thought (which always struck me as I was lying in bed and trying to drift off to sleep) was always the same: You're going to die.
Invariably, this thought would cause me to panic, because I struggled to cope with it.
The Word of the Day is: THANATOPHOBIA
Thanatophobia /thənatə'fōbeeə/ n. An irrational or disproportionate fear of death, especially one's own.
Almost everyone is scared of dying to some degree. It's a natural fear, a self-preservation mechanism, because if we're scared to die then we're more likely to do what it takes to stay alive. So, if you're scared to die, there's nothing wrong with that, it's healthy. The issue is the method or degree of that fear, and I'm sorry to say that I tick both of those boxes.
I am haunted by the inevitability of time. More often than not, I fear that I am wasting my time. Since my time is finite, limited by my lifespan, I fear that I'm wasting my lifetime which ultimately means that I am wasting my life. This sometimes can drive me to be productive. That alone may not seem like a negative thing, after all I'm being productive, aren't I? Well, the issue is that because I hate being unproductive so much that I even hate sleeping.
I recognize that this hatred is not entirely rational, but it's how I feel so irrational or not, it's in my head. This is the reason why I struggle with time management and a sleep "schedule". I see sleep as nothing more than a burden.
But, if I am lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, I can't escape the fact that all I'm doing is waiting. Waiting to fall asleep, waiting to stop being conscious. Waiting is one of the least productive things that a person can "do" that isn't doing nothing. It is the postponement of productivity, the anticipation of activity...
And so, when I try to stop thinking and to let my mind 'wander' and drift peacefully off into oblivion, the consideration of being bored inevitably wanders into my mind. Unfortunately, boredom tends to trigger my own anxieties about wasting time, which will itself trigger my anxiety that I am wasting my life, and that I am dying.
This is not some irrational fear that I am currently being killed... although I did know a man whose heart stopped and he was later revived. Because his heart had stopped, he lost consciousness, so whilst he recovered the feeling of losing consciousness became a trigger for his PTSD. He seems to be doing better now, but PTSD can be a hell of a thing.
But when I have the fear that I am dying, it's more conceptual. Life always ends in death and so, being alive is the process of dying. When I'm active, at least I am doing something productive, I'm dying and I'm learning. I'm dying and I'm writing. I'm dying and I'm being a good friend. But when you take that activity away, all that is left is the dying...
I have had several panic attacks in my life because I have been lying in bed trying to sleep only to be flooded with adrenaline by these intrusive thoughts that all I am is dying and will inevitably be dead, and so I jumped out of bed as my body compels me into fight or flight.
Sometimes, I've fled my room into the dark of the house. Sometimes I've thrown things and punched walls. Sometimes, I've sat up and screamed, not because I was startled, but because I was flooded with such anxiety that I couldn't resolve the tension any other way but to cry out. My panic attacks tend to make me violent, because I know I'm not very fast, so I inevitably try to break things and throw things. But, I am literally incapable of outrunning or fighting time itself...
so these panic attacks makes me feel even worse, even more vulnerable and even more lost. I've crawled up into a ball and wept, simply because it's an irrational fear and not a physical threat that I can handle.
Then, of course, I'm usually too wired up on adrenaline to get back to sleep and laying down and trying to sleep only triggers my memory of the attack I just had. So, inevitably, I abandon sleep altogether and try reading or doing anything else until I fall unconscious, or just spend the whole day feeling tired. Which makes me even more unproductive, welcome to the vicious cycle of anxiety.
This is how my thanatophobia tends to manifest. But, I'm not alone in this. The clinical term for it is Death Anxiety, and whilst that can come in many forms, my particular form is Existential Death Anxiety.
It's more common than you would think, both because of shame, and also because sufferers often don't want to burden someone else with this inescapable knowledge and reality, and feel like if they talk to someone else, they might cause them to be just as badly afflicted. But, the thing is, this is ridiculous.
If someone does suffer from existential death anxiety, then they probably already do feel like this, so it's not going to make them any worse, since having someone who can commiserate and help them understand their feelings will make people feel better - we are social creatures, after all.
Also, whilst this feels like an inevitable reality, a cold, evil truth that no one can escape... not everyone feels like this at all. My favourite example, which I like to listen to occasionally, is Griffin McElroy's parody of existential anxiety that he once expressed during an episode of the podcast My Brother, My Brother, & Me.
When I first heard that, I thought he was belittling it, because he was saying the exact kinds of things that my intrusive thoughts would say to me. But, over time I've come to realize that the only difference between his comedic interpretation of existential anxiety, and the triggers to my own panic attacks... is attitude.
He is capable of thinking these exact thoughts, but he simply doesn't think it's worrying. Because it is an irrational fear, and having someone rationally reiterate "yeah, I know this stuff, that doesn't mean I worry about it" helped a lot.
And, most importantly, it made me realize that the stigma that made me never want to talk about this publicly was just my own bias. I feel more comfortable talking about this because I've come to realize that by keeping it secret, I only hurt myself and my mental health. So, if you don't understand why I feel the way I do, I hope this helped you to understand; but, if you do understand and suffer from this yourself... know that you're not alone. Also, I have some advice for you that helps me. I can't guarantee that it will help you, but I want to share.
As I've made it clear, all life does end with death, you can't escape that... but, and if you'll forgive the visceral nature of this metaphor (and if you can't, I have a post you can read about it), all eating ends with shitting. Eating is an aspect of the process of digestion, and digestion consumes all the material, it goes through your body, then is expelled. It's inevitable, that everything you eat will become shit. Even if your body processes the nutrients, those nutrients will eventually be absorbed, processed and excreted. This is also an inescapable fact. But, I still enjoy eating good food, and I don't worry that it's all going to turn to shit, because the fact of the matter is, it tastes good right now. And most importantly, if you're eating food and worrying about the fact that you will be shitting a day or more later... then you're not really enjoying your meal, are you?
Focusing on the outcome is an aspect of anxiety. Anxiety is very "anti-now". I've mentioned this before, but anxiety tends to make one dwell in the mistakes of the past, or worry about the dark potential of the future, and not embrace the current moment. My anxiety has stretched to the furthest moment of my life, the very end, and dwells there, because it's the one thing I can't rationalize my way around, so it's an effective, intrusive thought.
Often I try to centre myself with an exercise to anchor myself in the moment, but because when I'm trying to sleep that moment is boring (i.e. a trigger), I prefer to counter it by thinking about tomorrow, because if I have plans for tomorrow, then the process of sleeping feels less like "waiting" and more "resting, to expel the fatigue that would otherwise slow me down tomorrow".
So, that's the irrational fear of death. Of course, if you're currently being chased or attacked, then that's a rational fear, you should probably do something about that. But, if you're not in immediate danger, you can focus on the life you're living. That's what helps me, I hope it helps you.
I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time I still hate sleeping, but I sleep easier now that I can more easily manage the intrusive thoughts that used to keep me up at night.
