My Need/Hate Relationship with Sleep

I have seen, in certain circles of culture, that people seem to love going to bed. This seems to be due to either a general nostalgia, or desire for comfort, to wrap up in blankets, which has mental health vibes of self-care, since sleep is good for the mind; there's also some kind of lazy positivity that is in part self-aware and self-deprecating, but in other parts defeatist and self-critical, since sleep is akin to being lazy; or, in some sad cases, a kind of "doomer", "pseudo-cidal" disaffected apathy that you see in mid- & post-teenaged hakikkomori types, since it's coveting the depression aesthetic & the idea that being awake, or alive, is "lame". But I don't see why. If anything, I wish I could always stay awake. The Word of the Day is: 'INSOMNIA'

Insomnia /in'somneeə/ n. Inability to obtain sufficient sleep, especially when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness.

So, there's a broad spectrum of people that seem to "enjoy" sleep. Whilst I understand these mindsets, I can never truly empathize with them because I honestly Hate sleep. That may be a little controversial, since even those who don't prefer sleep, often like sleep, at times. It's meant to be comfortable, restful and peaceful. But personally? No, I hate it. I hate every single unconscious second of it. I hate that it intrudes on my waking life in the form of tiredness; I hate that it dictates my schedule & I absolutely hate that I have to spend a third of my life in this incoherent, thoughtless void.
And yes, I say "thoughtless void" because I don't seem to dream very much. Now, full disclosure, this may in part be because I take anti-anxiety medication, which has been known to make dreams less frequent or common, so that may be the reason why I consider most sleep a dark void. Also, from what I've read, dreams are easier to recall if you put in the effort, and as I am disinterested in the personal experience of sleep and dreams, I don't do that - so that might be why I don't dream very often. But, I still don't like sleep, whether I dream or not.
Even when I dream, I still hate it because, due to the inactive parts of my brain, I can't tell what is and isn't real. So, I end up either believing nonsense until I come to my senses after I wake up, or I waste an immeasurable amount of time trying to make sense of a senseless world - and that's even if we ignore nightmares.

See, even when it's an "enjoyable" dream, I still don't like it. For example, I occasionally have dreams where I fly. Who doesn't want to fly, right? I mean, whenever I dream that I fly, I have to flap my arms... that's kind of annoying, and I don't know why my brain insists on flying like a bird instead of superman, but that's beside the point... when I dream, sometimes I can fly, and sure, that's fun. But, guess what happens every time I wake up? I excitedly throw off the covers, ready to go tell everyone about this amazing discovery. But, as the rest of my brain wakes up, I realize that I can't actually fly, and that it was all just a lie my brain made up, and I'm disappointed. This happens every time. Because to me, the experience of flying isn't as much fun as being able to let everyone else try it too.
Or hey, what about sex dreams? They're good fun, right? Well, again, no. Firstly, it's not as good as the real thing, since I'm not feeling everything; secondly, it often uses people I know, and that can make me feel awkward & thirdly, it's called a "wet dream" for a reason...
If it's something impossible, then I don't want to do it because it's not something I can enjoy when fully conscious, and if it's something that is possible, then I'd rather do it in real life.
The worst part is, I have heard stories about people who are inspired by dreams - even artists, poets or writers who find inspiration for their art, writing or stories from dreams. Well, maybe I'm just unlucky, but my dreams never have a coherent plot. My dreams are always nonsensical. There's not even elements that I can use, because they often rely on some surreal context which is impossible to replicate. So, no, none of my dreams are inspiring enough to even write stories from. So, my point is, I hate sleep and I hate dreams.

But I can already here some people saying "well, what about comfort? Don't you enjoy lying down in bed, and getting all snuggled up in blankets when you sleep?"
NO! Look, I am not a monster, I enjoy a nice snuggly blanket and I enjoy being warm... but I hate that I have to do it for sleep. Think about it this way: if you enjoy the sensation of being wrapped up in your blanket, then when you fall asleep you lose that sensation as you lose consciousness and your paralyzed body becomes numb to this world. For me, I like getting snuggled up in a blanket to watch a movie on the couch, or to read a book. Then I get to enjoy the comfort. But your body doesn't want that comfort for you, it wants it for your brain to go into standby mode without your body being exposed to the elements.
And people might be saying "Yes, but don't you like getting a good night's rest?"
But don't you see? You've fallen into the trap - the only reason we feel the need to rest for an entire night is because sleep overcomes us with tiredness. I would much prefer if I didn't get tired at all. Now, I know that's not realistic, we are using energy and it needs to be replenished - but, what if instead of losing consciousness, we just... rested? Y'know, like you usually do after a lot of work? I prefer to lie down and daydream than let sleep take over - since at least when I daydream, I'm still in control, and I'm thinking about something that's real.
Y'know, there was an episode of American Dad that is my ultimate fantasy. I don't care about the plot or the b-story, but in an episode called "Stan Time", the C.I.A. reveals that they invented a pill which eliminates the need for sleep. It recuperates anyone who takes it, with all the energy needed for a 24-hour period. Doesn't that sound like bliss? A pill that removes the need for sleep... I would kill for something like that. Whilst I reference American Dad, I'm sure some others have thought of the concept as well because it's a beautiful idea - and that's what would make me truly happy: benign insomnia.

At first, I used to say that I have a love/hate relationship with sleep. Because I don't really like it, but I do get tired a lot, and so I sleep in sometimes. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this isn't some compromise between sleep and myself - it's an abusive relationship. I hate that I have to sleep, but sleep forces me to feel tired, then lose consciousness. If I try to fight back, and stay awake, like I truly want to, then sleep punishes me by making me even more tired, and then intruding on the rest of my day. The fact of the matter is, I like being awake because I like being alive. I like doing things, seeing things, experiencing this reality... but sleep takes that away from me - it takes a whole third of my life away from me. And if I try to leave it behind, then the abusive relationship turns deadly, and sleep threatens to kill me if I don't get enough sleep.

I chose an abusive relationship metaphor, but you could just as easily use an addiction metaphor - one that kills you with withdrawal symptoms. But, at the end of the day, I just don't want to go to sleep. I wish I could stay awake, but I can't. So, I am trapped in this cycle of falling asleep, and waking up, only to need to fall asleep again.

I'm not scared of sleep, I just find it ceaselessly annoying and frustrating, but it only takes the slightest tweak to make this whole situation horrifying... this kafkaesque nightmare of being trapped in a body that doesn't function as I had hoped. But, that is taking it to the extreme. Like I said, I'm not scared of falling asleep, I just hate it - I'm not somnnophobic, but I am a sleep bigot. And I'm not sure exactly what I was hoping to achieve with this post, except to say:
     "My name is Matt, and I hate sleep. And if you hate it too, well, you're not alone..."

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and Until Next time, I'll see you again in the waking world.