Phobia File: Loneliness

I wouldn't call myself introverted, but I wouldn't call myself extroverted either. Just like gender expression, morality, neurotype, personality & sexuality, rather than a simple binary, it turns out that our socio-emotional identity is also on a spectrum. I am an ambivert - I like spending time around other people, I thrive in that environment, but I also occasionally need time to myself, isolated from others - I use time alone to write, to orient and understand my ideas in such a way that I can construct a narrative. I enjoy being alone, and I very often need to be alone...
That being said, eventually I will crave social interaction again, and without it I will start to feel truly alone in the world.
The Word of the Day is: 'MONOPHOBIA'

Monophobia /mənə'fōbeeə/ n. Irrational fear of loneliness, or of being alone.

My memories of those days are patchy at best, but I remember a time between high school, and when I first went to university, where I had a month or so of sitting around at home, with little to do. The first time I noticed this fear of mine was when I was reading a book. I can't remember the book exactly, it was one in a series of high fantasy books and although I know the author I don't want to name them since the book was quite bland. In fact, that blandness was part of the issue, because as I was reading, my mind was wandering.
I was sitting in my reclining chair, reading, and the scene was dull, just two characters talking. But as I read, I started to realize that I was reading a book. Usually when I read, the world around me becomes foggy, and I become more engaged in the world of the story. But this time, I became aware that I was reading a book. As I kept reading, I felt bored, and I realized that everything I was reading was not only fiction, but a dull fiction - and I wasn't even half-way through the book yet.
That's when I got this sudden sinking feeling of being trapped in my own mind. I was reading, and watching characters in my mind's eye, but the characters weren't real - they just existed in my head, and I began to panic as I felt like everything I was doing was meaningless, and I felt like I had been trapped in a meaningless fiction.
I suddenly jumped up, threw the book on the ground and banged my fists on my door, trying to get out of my room. My mother heard and came to ask what I was doing, and I grabbed her in a calming hug. At the time I thought I must have lost my temper or had some kind of boredom overdose... but in retrospect I recognize that what I had experienced was a panic attack.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the only time. See, it was around this time that I was first diagnosed with depression. Unfortunately, I don't think I have depression - I suffer from chronic anxiety, and I believe that I was misdiagnosed originally as a result of lowered mood, resulting from stress. But that aside, I had come to realize that whatever was going on in my head wasn't right, and I had decided to tell my parents that I wanted to see a doctor. But, I was nervous, as it was all in my head, so it felt like bringing this up to someone else would come right out of nowhere. They weren't experiencing what I was, so how could they understand?
So, I joined my folks when we went shopping one day on their motorcycles. It was a long drive, about 30 minutes away, so I put on my gear and got on the bike.
But, as I rode pillion, watching the world go past, I felt that feeling again. But this time, I wasn't trapped in a book - I felt like I was trapped in my helmet. Even though, as a function of holding on for safety, my arms were around my father who was driving the motorbike, I still felt alone... because I was suffering from something that I didn't think people around me understood, and I also felt like I couldn't express how I felt and who I was to anyone else.

I did ask for help that day, but I will never forget that feeling of being alone around other people; feeling alone even with my own family. Feeling like the only person in the world...

But the most pertinent example that comes to my mind was actually a few years later, not long before finally being diagnosed with chronic anxiety. See, I like going for walks. Not only is it great to help work out story ideas, but going for a walk in the sunshine can release endorphins, improve circulation and in general by exercising your body it can also exercise your mind, so I walk for my mental health moreso than my physical health.
But on this day, I remember specifically that I went for a walk because I was feeling down, and I didn't want to just sit around at home. So, I went for a walk in a loop around several blocks of my neighbourhood. But there was this moment, it's rather odd to describe, but as I was walking I had the distinct feeling that I was walking on the edge of the world...
The road was flat, there weren't any hills in the area and I was walking along the gutter, but I felt like I was a stone's throw away from the sky, and the whole world felt like it could fall out from under me. Even though I was walking down a quiet suburban street, I felt like I was the furthest away from anyone that I'd ever been. Once again, I felt like I was truly on my own.

So, why do I fear being alone? Well, the answer to that is simple biology and psychology. Humans are social animals, we thrive as a collective whether that be a herd, a tribe or a society. When we are alone, we're more prone to predators, starvation and harm. So, we've evolved such that being around others gives us good feelings and our empathy means that helping others makes us feel helped as well. As a result, we also feel bad when we're alone. Even the most introverted amongst us still need to socialize, even though it's much less than some others.

It is for this reason that loneliness is a common ailment among humankind. Thankfully, for most this does not result in an irrational fear, but during these times of plague, it is undeniable that people are lonelier than ever. Most, if not all people need to socialize, to have that human connection, and I can see how in these times of social distancing, that's become much harder for every single one of us...
Even though we can still contact each other online, whether that be via Skype, Zoom, FaceTime or some other video or text chat, it's still not the same thing and doesn't give that much-needed human connection. Literally, according to one study comparing face-to-face conversations against telephone conversation, when we're separated from someone physically we feel as though the other person empathizes with us less because we aren't able to perceive all of the interactive affiliative behaviours. This means that when we're talking to someone via the phone or over social media, we're less able to detect important social cues, i.e. facial expression, gesture mirroring & listening motions (as well as obvious things like spatial cohabitation and physical touch). Without these, conversations and interactions tend to feel stilted and less satisfying.

Where I live, the political soundbite is "Staying Apart Keeps Us Together". I know what they intend to mean - that social distancing keeps us healthier, and therefore more cohesive - but as it is written not only does that sound like Orwellian Doublespeak, it's also just not true. Staying apart keeps us isolated, that's the whole idea, but as a result it's making this a stressful time, even for those who are entirely healthy.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and I'm afraid I don't have a solution for this. We have to isolate, we have to socially distance and we have to stay safe. I manage my own fears with self-care, but if you feel like you're alone in the world, at the very least remember... we're all alone, together.