So, the final post in this Final Halloween Countdown. I've had a lot of fun, and I wanted this to simply be a goodbye message, maybe a thank you, but I realized that I couldn't do that... because a thought was nagging at me, for a few reasons.
Firstly, in quite a few of these posts, simply because I am talking about how death "isn't the worst thing", I've added several links to google's search result for suicide, because I don't know where you're reading this from, but typing suicide into google often provides the hotlines for your local suicide hotline. I felt it was better than trying to list them all out for you.
Also, I will take this moment now to tell you that the rest of this post is going to be talking about Suicide, so this is your TRIGGER WARNING (there's also some mention of Sexual Assault). There's even some light discussion of suicide methodology, so I want you to put your mental health first and only read this if you're in the headspace for a frank discussion about the Horrors of Suicide. And if this does cause you to feel unwell or suicidal, I recommend that you reach out to a friend, or that link provided above.
Secondly, I realized that whilst I have been focusing on a natural death and coming to terms with mortality... I am choosing to end the Halloween Countdown. Heck, I even made it a plot-point in that meta-fiction post that I was "killing the blog". And so, technically, it wasn't "dying naturally", but it was in a sense committing suicide.
But thirdly, and most importantly, I found the idea of a goodbye message unsettling because when I see someone making a "celebration" of their farewell, retirement or life transition, I often get an intrusive thought: is this a grandiose suicide note?
I want to state upfront that I am not suicidal, I'd argue that I'm far from it in fact—as I mentioned in that earlier post in this countdown Phobia File: Death, I'm scared of dying naturally, let alone unnaturally—but, when musicians give farewell tours, when celebrities announce their retirement, when YouTubers say that they're moving on...
I mentioned in A Year to Remember how I was moved when MatPat announced his retirement from the Theorist channels. What I didn't mention is the intrusive though I had as the final days approached.
The next time we hear his name, will it be because he's on the news, announced dead.
Now, this was an irrational thought. Especially in that case with a father who was leaving specifically to focus on his family and work on other projects. But, I find all kinds of death, including suicide, horrifying and so my mind does occasionally use intrusive thoughts of these to torment me.
I think because I have heard of such stories in my own life. My parents told me a story of a friend they had who was an alcoholic and a very effeminate gay man (and yes both of those are relevant). After several drink-driving offenses, he lost his license and was actually to be jailed for a short time. So, he went around to his friends and had a farewell before he went to prison. But, this was actually because, as an openly gay man, he 100% believed that he would be assaulted and raped in prison, possibly killed. So, he committed suicide to avoid that fate.
I have also had friends who have killed themselves. I won't name names, and I'm lucky that this was merely a casual acquaintance. Someone I met after work. But... even though this was someone that I met at the pub and would occasionally have some interesting conversations with, I was sad to hear that he not only died, but died by suicide. I wasn't happy that he died, he was a good man; but, I was more upset to learn that I enjoyed his company more than, it seems, he enjoyed his own.
In fact, whilst one of the key issues with suicide is that it causes silent suffering, people stuck in their own heads, it means that occasionally my mind treats it less like the insidious mental health crisis that it is, and more like a social landmine.
Someone you love could be suffering beneath the surface. Someone you value, whose life has made yours the better for existing, may suddenly explode and be taken from you.
All of this does unfortunately mean that whilst it is good and healthy to talk about suicide - as the best way to seek help is to reach out - I am literally the worst person to do this around because I find it disturbing to empathize with this mindset. To me it is actual insanity, and before we move on—THIS IS THE WRONG OPINION.
It's not often that I will say I am wrong, so enjoy this while it lasts... consider it my final gift for the Final Halloween Countdown "the AWN admits he's wrong":
I suffer from a phobia, an irrational fear of death. This has lead to an unhealthy obsession with death, not only my own, but also someone else's. If someone who loves and trusts you is expressing suicidal thoughts they don't need a straight jacket they need a hug... or a cup of coffee, or whatever other love language suits them (some people don't like hugs, respect their boundaries).
Whilst I am capable of understanding this logically, emotionally my mind recoils at the idea. Even writing about it in this blog post is making me very uncomfortable. If you don't understand what I mean... imagine some other phobia. Let's say you're scared of snakes, or spiders, or needles. Now, imagine someone you know and respect says to you "hey, watch this!" then grabs the thing you're terrified at the very notion of and gleefully drops it down their pants.
That may be difficult if your phobia is "heights", but I hope it brings across the point. To me, that is Wrong. Just wrong, a wrongness my brain can't wrap it's head around. Genuinely, I occasionally write cosmic horror, and to me suicidality is the perfect example of "insanity and horrors inconceivable", the idea that someone can see this existential doom... and step towards it. That is the epitome of madness, to me.
My mind even occasionally threatens me with suicide. I want to make this clear, this isn't a suicidal thought, I never crave death, I do not want to die - these intrusive thoughts are naturally selected to upset me. So, I will get a thought such as "one step and you fall to your death", or "one slip of this knife, and you'll bleed out", or "turn the steering wheel now, and it's all over".
Thankfully I'm in a headspace where I find these thoughts more annoying than upsetting, but when I was younger I was much more unsettled. I would put down sharp objects or step away from edges and railings because even though I would never consciously do these things I found the potential so disturbing that I didn't want to even allow the possibility.
The worst part of all of this is that it reinforces my fear of dying. My mind has created a false dichotomy: Either you're Thanatophobic, or you're Suicidal.
I don't see much middle ground, even though literally everyone who doesn't suffer from either suicidality or existential death anxiety falls there on that spectrum.
Which also means that in a post where I'm talking about Suicide, I spent more time talking about my own fears than suicide itself... because the reality is that Suicide is Horrifying. Not because it's some cosmic horror form of Insanity, not because it's a landmine that steals our friends and family at random, and not because people are secretly hiding suicide notes in their fond farewells.
Suicide is Horrifying because it is preventable, and when people like me don't want to talk about it, wish it would just go away and stop existing, if anything that makes it all the more inevitable. So, if you are suicidal or know someone that is, I suffer from a mental illness and I don't have the knowledge or empathy to help... but there are people out there who do. Reach out, don't suffer in silence.
I don't want to talk about suicide not because you're crazy, but because I'm crazy.
Don't let my madness get in the way of your sanity.
I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and in conclusion I think this has solidified in my mind that this blog is not committing suicide. I have exhausted it, it's done. The lifespan of any creative series is decided by its creator, but it feels natural... I want to move on, and this blog is ready to move on as well. And I guess this is an opportunity for some final words. So, here goes.
Thank you all for learning, reading and being scared alongside me for the last thirteen years and hundreds of posts, for celebrating my Birthday and Halloween and everything that comes in between. I can only hope that it meant as much to you as it did to me. Until Next Time, Goodbye from the Halloween Countdown. You reading has made it worth it.
I'm actually crying, I didn't think I would, but I am... it's the end of an era and this Halloween Countdown ultimately meant so much to me. There's more to come, but genuinely, thank you if you've read this. I'll see you on the other side.
