Faking a Sickie - Part 1: Silver Screen Syndrome

I've been doing a lot of research on disease, viruses and sickness lately, to find out incubation times and transmissibility data as well as the morbidity of a great variety of infections and illnesses. My goal has been to find a collection of diseases which are not only as bad as the current plague of COVID-19, but may even be worse.
Now, I've already talked about some real diseases, but that's not what I'm talking about today, that would be much too educational - no, I've been researching fictional diseases. See, in all of our history, we've had to deal with disease, and either we've not been able to understand it, so we've had bad science; we've been intrigued by it, so we've come up with all kinds of strange fantastical versions of it, or we've been scared of it, and made up all kinds of horrifying examples of it.
So, I've deciding to have a look at all three  of these kinds of "fake diseases" that we all know and love (or, in some cases, loathe), and what they say about us, and how sick and twisted we all are.
Today, I'll be starting by looking at the latter of the three - virulent diseases we make up to scare ourselves, particularly in film & TV, in the hopes of finding some of the worst diseases that come from the minds of visual storytellers. Unfortunately, some of these stories aren't very realistic, but that's why I've been doing my research and seeing how they would realistically affect the world - and for this reason I have not included supernatural sicknesses, this means no demonic damnations; ghostly hauntings; vampire envenomings; witch's spells or zombie voodoo unless they can be explained scientifically, or science-fictionally.
I'm looking for science and not magic, because when magic is involved, it's less of a "sickness" and more of a "curse", which is not the subject of this Countdown.
Much more importantly, I've been cataloguing and grading these illnesses for how they would compare to the current illness that is sweeping the globe. this isn't a list of my favourite disease films - to be fair, I both like and dislike several of the shows I've included in this list - I'm only concerned with how dangerous they are. that said, there are a few diseases which I was intrigued by, but which I couldn't include for various reasons, so without further ado, let's get started with...
Dishonourable Mentions

i. Motaba Virus (Outbreak)
Virulence: 100%, Bloodborne (Zoonotic); 100%, Airborne
- In this film, the carrier is a capuchin monkey, it is asymptomatic, but virulent. Later, we encounter a mutated form that is airborne.
Incubation: ~4 Hours
Infection: ~1 Day
- We see people last for several hours after contact with the infected subject (monkey) without any symptoms, but within a day they start experiencing symptoms and start dying.
Symptoms: Flu-like Symptoms; Rashes & Lesions; Vomiting; Diarrhea; Haemorrhagic Fever & Organ Failure
- If there is a part to this movie that is most realistic, it is this. The symptoms of Motaba virus were inspired by Ebola virus, specifically haemorrhagic fever, vomiting and diarrhea. it's a horrendous disease, and a terrible way to die, and that's what inspired this film to be made.
Lethality: 100%
- This is ironically what is meant to make this movie seem incredibly scary, but in reality it's what makes it less so. Allow me to explain...

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This film is pretty good, considering when it was made. It was co-written by Laurence Dworet, who used to be a medical doctor prior to becoming a screenwriter. I can see why he turned to writing however, as he doesn't seem to understand how viruses work. Yes, the film is rather creepy and it's well-made from a narrative standpoint, as it builds up in the right places and does a good job at presenting the virus as a villain... but this virus doesn't make any sense.
I can see why it sounds scary at first glance. 100% virulence, and 100% lethality. Ooh, scary... but, the reality is that when a virus is that deadly, it ironically becomes less harmful.
When viruses are spread through a human vector, they need us to survive, because the only way they can live and spread is through coughing, breath, fluid exchange, touch & you can't do any of that when you're dead. Think of a virus like a miner - it wants to spread through fertile ground to dig up minerals, but if a miner digs too much or too haphazardly, they will collapse the mine. Motaba is like a miner whose only tool is dynamite, all it does is collapse mines.
Later in the film, the virus becomes airborne, and that's definitely more worrisome, but it only occurs after the virus has somehow, magically spread across the world, despite starting in Africa which doesn't make any sense. Whilst this film has the virus spread, in reality it would simply kill everyone it infected too quickly for it to spread, and by the time it mutated it would only have dead bodies to feed on. For that reason, it only makes the dishonourable mentions.

ii. MZD Virus (Zombieland)
Virulence: ~10%, Foodborne (Zoonotic); 100%, Bloodborne
- This was originally spread by an infected burger, and so it is believed that this is a prion disease or something similar, much like Mad Cow Disease. The initial "foodborne" virulence is so low, based entirely on the fact that this disease was first spread by "a man who ate an infected burger" - as fast food restaurants tend to make several burgers out of one lot of beef, it is presumed that more than one burger was infected, but only one man became sick as a result.
Incubation: ~2 Hours
Infection: Incurable
- According to some of the narration, this is initially foodborne, and it took approximately one day to affect patient zero after consuming an infected burger, but every following infection happens within an hour or so after being bitten by an infected subject, as shown on-screen.
Symptoms: Encephalitis; High Blood Pressure; Cyanosis; Delirium; Brain Trauma & Pathological Hunger
- The encephalitis, and neurological conditions are based on the actions of the infected. Cyanosis is a discoloration of the blood and skin, often caused to poor oxygenation of the blood, and I added high blood pressure due to the prevalence of blood splatter in this film.
Lethality: ~100%*
- There is good reason to believe this virus kills very quickly. However, there is more to consider.

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This is an odd potato, because although this film is called 'Zombieland', and the film expressly calls them zombies, and even the virus is called MZD - Mad Zombie Disease; it's not immediately clear that these creatures are zombies.
Based on the name alone, it's reasonable to assume that MZD is a mutation of Variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease which is a prion disease caught by eating infected beef that results in psychiatric problems, behavioural changes, pain, dementia and death. A prion is a misfolded protein mutation which spreads its malformation onto similar proteins, causing its malfunction to spread. This can take years to completely spread through a host's brain and lead to death.
Whilst the science here is interesting, prion diseases spread thoroughly throughout your body's proteins slowly but surely, which is why it tends to affect not just behaviour, but also balance, emotions, motor control, speech & vision - it is a slow and dreadful affliction.
As well, I noticed at the beginning of the film, it is stated that the zombies have taken over "The United States of Zombieland" for two months...
See, there's a simple reason why I don't include zombies on this list - and it is because the science doesn't make any sense. We think that zombies are braindead, but you require a brain to walk, run, see, growl and bite things in any way to produce an effect. Although zombies can't still sing and dance, they need a brain to do the animalistic things they do. Not to mention, zombies are able to wander around for weeks, months and even years without adequate food, which means they're breaking the first laws of thermodynamics - you need energy to put anything into motion. After three weeks without food, any human being would die. And you may say "what about them eating people?" well, we know they don't consume them fully, because if they did there wouldn't be many zombies. Plus, raw meat takes a lot of energy to consume, and that's assuming that zombies even digest it at all, because I've never seen a zombie poop... my point is, zombie apocalypses don't make sense, and that's why MZD doesn't make it onto my list.

iii. Trans-Network Ghost Virus (Pulse)
Virulence: 100%, Cybermemetic; 75%, Electromagnetic
- Yeah, you read that right. This one spreads over computer networks and radio signals. I really wish this one could have been included, since it's such a fascinating concept, but as I explain below, there are extenuating circumstances.
Incubation: ~5 Days
Infection: ~2 Days
- Once exposed to the infectious meme, the victim begins to experience symptoms within a week. Then, after the first attack, the target dies in as little as a day.
Symptoms: Paranoia; Delirium; Dysphoria; Suicidality; Bruising; Necrosis & Multiple Organ Failure
- Once exposed to the meme, the subject experiences heightened paranoia and delusion until they suffer a phantom episode. Following this, the subject loses the will to live, and becomes suicidal. If this persists, the subjects body will begin to breakdown, resulting in bruising all over, until their whole body disintegrates.
Lethality: 100%
- Yeah, this is where I have to start admitting the truth. I watched this film, and in the first half, I was excited that a lot of what was happening onscreen could be explained by a strange virus that could transfer from human to computer. But, the way that these humans die is that they are walking and talking, and then when they decide they want to die, their body disintegrates into ash. Yeah, even I can't explain that one scientifically. So, how is all this possible? Well...

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All cards on the table, the way this virus works is that it downloads a ghost from the internet, and that ghost attacks you by absorbing your life energy, literally taking all of the joy and energy out of your life. I freely admit that this is a cool movie. I mean, I've seen all kinds of apocalyptic movies: dragon apocalypses; machine apocalypses; monster apocalypses; vampire apocalypses & zombie apocalypses - but never before have I seen a ghost apocalypse. This was interesting to watch, but the idea of ghosts (let alone an afterlife that is compatible with computer networks) is an entirely magical concept, there's nothing scientific about it.
But, it's not entirely mad - it's surprising the things you can do with light, anything from optical illusions and lightbox therapy all the way to causing seizures - it would be interesting to see if there was a scientifically viable way to create a harmful internet meme... if you're a writer, I wholeheartedly offer that to you as a challenge. However, for the sake of this list, because ghosts don't exist it only gets an honourable mention.

iv. Flesh-Eating Bacteria (Cabin Fever)
Virulence: 100%, Bloodborne (Zoonotic); 100%, Waterborne
- This virus is first noticed in animals, in particular dogs and pigs, but when an infected man falls into the local drinking water, many more people become infected from drinking the water.
Incubation: ~12 Hours
Infection: ~1 Day (+Post Mortem)
- In the film it is shown that a little over 6 hours after exposure to infected blood, and 1 day after consuming infected water, the targets begin to show symptoms. It's also known that the disease survives after death, as the infected corpse is what leads to the waterborne infections.
Symptoms: Rashes; Rapid-Onset Necrosis; Internal Haemorrhaging & Multiple Organ Failure
- The initial symptoms appear to be rashes and necrosis, as the virus digests the victim's flesh, then it gets deeper into the victim's organs, causing massive haemorrhaging, and inevitably organ failure. Interestingly (to me anyway) based on one scene where a woman butchers a hog before finding infected blood on its organs, it appears that pigs suffer from internal haemorrhaging first. So, it could be the case that this disease infects your organs first, but slowly, without a great deal of pain or it could be the case that it affects humans differently.
Lethality: ~100%
- Technically, although three pigs, two dogs, a man in his forties and four twenty-year olds all contract this virus and all of them die, the three pigs are slaughtered and all but one of the human characters are all murdered, and the last of them dies from a dog attack. So, technically, only one of these outright dies from the symptoms of this disease - patient zero, the dog. Based on their symptoms, it appears that all of the victims (except maybe two?) are dying from their symptoms at their time of death. So, I'm making an educated guess as to the disease's true lethality.

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Is anyone else bothered by the fact that the titular "cabin fever" does not present with fever-like symptoms? Well, I am, for two very important reasons. Firstly, I don't like it when a movie's title is inaccurate but, more importantly, the reason this bothers me is also the reason why I didn't include this on the main list is because based on my research... this isn't fictional.
Necrotizing Fasciitis is a disease that occurs when bacteria infects a subject, causing bruising, rashes, peeling of the skin and other symptoms like vomiting, organ failure and fever. Sure, it doesn't always result in fever, but what's important is that viruses don't usually spread easily from host to host - viruses need to have a particular shape or protein in order for your body to accept it into its cells, but bacteria can affect all kinds of animals, including dogs & pigs.
So, I'm left to conclude that whilst dramatized quite considerably (it is possible for skin to peel off without first turning black, especially in cases of Toxic Shock Syndrome, but it's less common), this is otherwise realistic. Because this one isn't fictional enough, it doesn't make the list.

These are the TOP 5 Fictional Diseases worse than COVID-19

5. Blue Virus, "Captain Trips" (The Stand)
Virulence: ~99%, Bloodborne; ~99%, Airborne
- Like so very many more of the other diseases I researched for this project, this disease is a bioweapon engineered by the American military.
Incubation: ~6 Hours
Infection: ~4 Days
- This film begins on June 13th, late in the day, and the first on-screen death is shown to occur on June 17th. And, according to the CDC, the entire world is infected and billions die in as little as two weeks.
Symptoms: Cough; Fever; Skin Discolouration; Lesions; Delirium & Rapid Onset Asphyxiation
- Initial symptoms are identical to flu - which is why this disease is occasionally called Superflu [I don't know how the virus gets the name Captain Trips, as it wasn't explained in the miniseries, but I am left to assume it's because of the delirium it causes]. As it continues to develop, the fever worsens and the patient develops severe pustules and lesions on their skin, worsening pain and delirium. I also read online that common symptoms include "swelling", "sneezing" and "crippling pain", but none of those were evident in the show (unless I missed a sneeze), so I left them off my list.
Lethality: ~99.4%
- This number is so exact because this miniseries gives me some great data regarding this virus. In as little as two weeks, billions of people on Earth are dead, as the virus has spread globally within a week.

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I watched the 1994 miniseries, and honestly it's a little confusing. The opening scene heavily implies that several corpses of scientists had died almost instantly. However, everyone else in this film that gets sick dies after a few days. So, were they afflicted with a fast-acting strain? Did the initial virus mutate to kill slower? Were they poisoned to keep this secret? ...or, did the director think the scene was cool, and not bother to explain it?
Either way, this virus kills by asphyxiation, in fact it's disturbingly similar to coronavirus in that sense. But what makes it worse is firstly that it is said to have "99% permeability" - I'm lead to believe that relates to particle size, which means that facemasks would be useless, and it may also explain why it spreads as far as it does. The main reason why this is so low on this list is because it is clearly shown in the miniseries that the government hides any and all evidence of the virus, and this severely hinders any possibility of a global health response, which is why it decimates the world population. Although I can be quite cynical, especially regarding the American military, I find it impossible that every single authority - including the CDC might I add - would keep a deadly and rapidly-spreading superflu a secret. I know this is a horror story, but that is just dumb.

4. Extraterrestrial Bacterium (The Andromeda Strain)
Virulence: 100%, Airborne
- The initial source was a small satellite, yet once the bacteria get into the air it manages to kill an entire small town.
Incubation: Instant
Infection: ~1 Minutes +Post Mortem
- According to the film, this bacterium is highly efficient - even compared to a "nuclear reactor" - so I'm lead to believe there's no incubation, as the bacterium attacks the atomic structure directly to feed on energy. As this atacks on an atomic level, not a cellular level, there's no chance for the immune system to respond. I'm also lead to presume that those infected die very suddenly, as victims appear to die in the middle of everyday activities.
Symptoms: Mass Thrombosis, Pain, Delirium & Sudden Death
- This bacterium kills anyone and everyone it comes into contact with by clotting their blood so severely, that it essentially turns your blood into a powder.
Lethality: 99+%; 0%
- The only people who survived infection were those with alkalosis - blood with unusually high pH levels, leading to alkaline in the blood - as this kills the bacterium. According to my research, less than one percent of the population suffers from alkalosis every year, which is why the lethality is so high. When this bacterium cannot find organic matter, it mutates and begins to decompose plastic.

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Based on my complaints regarding Motaba Virus, it may seem odd that I am putting a disease which kills you in as little as a minute. However, there are two major factors which make this infection much more dangerous and capable of spreading, and therefore worse than coronavirus. Firstly, this is airborne - and based on the film, it is capable of spreading several kilometres through the air, which means any breathing creature within the radius of initial infection is at risk of immediate death. Secondly, this bacterium is shown to not only spread through any and all organic matter, but when it cannot find any organic matter to consume, it mutates to consume inorganic matter. It also absorbs any form of energy and uses it to create more of itself. the only way to stop it is with alkaline, but according to my research the leading cause of alkalosis is hyperventilation, and the leading cause of hyperventilation is chronic anxiety... which means that most survivors would probably be stressed out of their minds.

3. Trixie Virus (The Crazies)
Virulence: ~50%, Waterborne; ~95%, Airborne; ~50*, Bloodborne
- In the 2010 film, this is a rhabdovirus that is first spread through water and, based on the quarantine we see, almost half of the townsfolk are fine. But, when we return to ground zero, almost everyone is infected and we're told the virus has mutated and is now airborne.
*This is the most circumstantial data that I have, as there's very little data of the virus spreading via blood. However, the risk must be rather high, based on the actions of the military in this film.
Incubation: ~1 Days
Infection: ~3 Days (+Post Mortem)
- For those infected, they are asymptomatic for a day, give or take 12 hours, but we are told, and I quote "in three days, either you're dead or you don't have it".
Symptoms: Fever; High Blood Pressure; Aggression; Cerebral Haemorrhage & Delirium
- Most of these symptoms, I included based on the actions and characteristics of the infected subjects (except "fever", as that's based on dialogue. We're expressly told that the infected suffer from fever, as that's how the military tests subjects). However, I added cerebral haemorrhage based on some information I got from the special features on the DVD. I hope that doesn't count as cheating, but I figure it simply helps to explain the aggression and delirium, and may be the cause of death.
Lethality: ~95%
- Based entirely on the "you're dead or you don't have it" quote, it is hard to tell whether people who live have survived the virus (and are therefore immune) or if the statement is claiming that you were never sick in the first place. I am lead to believe that this virus is very deadly, so I am leaning towards the latter, but I can't be sure as the dialogue is ambiguous.

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Why is this worse than coronavirus? Two reasons. Firstly, because this has three vectors of infection. You read that right, this is waterborne initially, mutates to become airborne and (based on the fact that the military burns all bodies), it is certainly also bloodborne. Unlike other diseases mentioned above, the bloodborne vector isn't as worrisome as it doesn't cause the subjects to bleed, but it's serious enough that the military is taking zero risks - and an airborne virus is always risky. The second reason is simple, it messes with your head. It doesn't just kill you outright, it turns you paranoid and aggressive; or it makes you act numb and suicidal or, in some cases, it turns you psychopathic. Not only is it disturbing to lose yourself, but as this film makes very clear, it puts everyone around you at severe risk, especially when weapons, tools and heavy machinery get involved.

2. Rage Virus (28 Days Later)
Virulence: ~100%, Bloodborne (zoonotic)
- This virus was based on a genetically-altered ebola virus, and was a failed attempt to design a treatment for chronic aggression.
Incubation: ~20 Seconds
Infection: ~30 Days (+Post Mortem)
- As we see in the film, after a drop of blood comes into contact with one victim's eye, he becomes symptomatic with alarming speed. Also, there is information which implies that the sufferers stay alive until they starve to death in thirty days, hence the timeline for infection.
Symptoms: Chronic Aggression; Delirium; Inhibited Brain Function; High Blood Pressure; Vomiting blood & Internal Haemorrhaging
- I added High Blood pressure because of the blood splatter in Zombieland, but for this film it's actually a known symptom - the aggression severely raises blood pressure of the victims. Also, on more than one occasion the victims are seen spewing blood, which helps to spread the virus.
Lethality: ~0%
- This virus doesn't kill its victims, and although quality of life takes a sharp decline, if anything the Rage Virus appears to make its victims more resilient.

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This is an interesting one. I've included it in this list because, although most people see it as a "zombie film", there are no undead monsters in this film. There is some information which leads me to believe that the monsters portrayed in the sequel 28 Weeks Later are dead, but even so, that film had a different writer/director pair, so I'm focusing on this film's canon separately - and in this film the patients live. That's what makes this so much scarier than coronavirus. You don't die but instead become a mindless killer, spreading disease, and (based on the amount of haemorrhaging, bleeding and screaming we see from the infected), in constant pain.
This is also part of the reason why I didn't include zombie viruses and the like - this whole list would just be zombie viruses or vampire bites, since you can't stop an infection that keeps its human vectors spreading disease after they die or grants its sufferers superhuman abilities. But, having your brain damaged so severely that you lose the ability to reason sounds much scarier than death.

1. The Chesapeake Bug (The Bay)
Virulence: ~100%, Waterborne
- This bug is a naturally occuring isopod which mutates due to the highly contaminated water in the Chesapeake Bay area (hence the name). It appears to infect anyone who consumes the water, or who swim in the water.
Incubation: ~2 Hours
Infection: ~9 Hours
- The first victims appear in the middle of a Fourth of July celebration, happening in the middle of the day, and the first confirmed deaths happen later that afternoon and continue on into the night.
Symptoms: Vomiting; Blistering; Lesions; Joint Pain & Internal Haemorrhaging
- The most disturbing part about all of these symptoms is that they're not viral or bacterial. The reason this gets so high on the list is because it's parasitic. The blistering and lesions are caused by the larvae of a parasite burrowing into the skin of victims. The initial vomiting is caused by parasites burrowing out of their stomach, for those who consume the parasite. Then the joint pain and internal haemorrhaging are just caused by the parasites burrowing through their internal organs. One factor which I wasn't sure how to describe is that these creatures have a particular taste for the victim's tongue - often eating it down to nothing.
Lethality: 100%
- Once you consume the water which contains the eggs or larvae of this creature, you're no longer a person, but a feedbag for these creatures to consume until they reach maturity. Once they grow to their full size, approximately 2-inches long, six-legged bugs, they will eat their fill, then leave and seek out ocean water (at least, that's how the bugs in the film act).

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The grossest part about this bug is that it's not entirely fictional. The timeframe, and the taste for human flesh, is fiction, and this is based on a fictional mutation of a real creature - but this isopod is Cymothoa Exigua - this mutation which I choose to call "cymothoa e. claridgi" is based on a bug more commonly known as a "tongue-eating louse". Their larvae travel into the gills of fish, and as they mature the louse will consume and replace the tongue of the fish, so it can feed on the blood of the wound as well as food matter in its mouth. Obviously, the scriptwriter for this film saw that horrorshow and exaggerated it for the sake of the movie, but it's horrifically real. The reason why this is the top of the list? Because the louse matures and runs off to join its fellow lice in the water - the ocean water. Whilst the initial bugs are mutated due to the waste, chicken crap & radioactive material in the water, the bugs themself feed on meat. There's nothing stopping them from spreading oceanwide, especially once one of them finds a whale to feed on.


As you can see, there are some things worse than this current plague... all you need is to use your imagination. Although some of these are based on real ideas, real diseases - of course, that begs the question of what kind of things we dream up when we're less horrified, and more intrigued; sliding further down the scale from applicability to allegory - it makes me wonder just how sick we all are.
Until Next Time, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd - and I'll be looking for some more fictional diseases which are a lot less visceral, and a lot more cerebral...