Sunday, 18 October 2015

Short of Breath, Long of Thought

Good evening, my faithful followers . . . don't worry, I'm not dead. Not yet, anyway.
I've disappeared for a while, for a hiatus, a holiday, a healing reprieve. Call it what you will, but I'm back.
And not without pomp or ceremony, because I always act a little pompous and ceremonious on a day like today. After all, today is my birthday.

Hip . . . hip . . . hurrah.

Y'know, that reminds me. During this month, in 1819 (and several months preceding), there was a series of riots in Germany by a collection of anti-Semitic Germans, who killed many Jewish citizens, and destroyed their property.
they were known as the Hep-Hep Riots, for the way the rioters called out "hep hep" to the German Jews they were rounding up and beating, the same way that a shepherd would call to round up sheep. Just something to think about.

Yes, we've come around once more to my birthday, and that means that we have to resurrect that old, dusty tradition. The Halloween Countdown:
A count of the days, counting down from thirteen,
From today, thirteen nights till we see Halloween.
Now, I must admit, it's been a while since I've written anything for the blog. I do sincerely apologize, I didn't want to see you all suffer . . . not like that, anyway. But, don't think I've forgiven and forgotten you all! Rather, I was working on something special for the blog, for this very countdown. No, please, don't go getting your hopes up.
See, the reason I haven't written a blog post is because I was working up until this very second on it . . . and I'm still not done.

See, I came up with a twisted, little idea for the Countdown. Because it's Thirteen blog posts, I thought I could write a little story with 13 chapters. Sounds fun, right?
Well, yes . . . but, I bit off more than I could chew. So in the interests of completing in time, I've decided to spit out the gory, bloody chunk of meat I've been chewing on in the hopes of nibbling on some lighter Halloween Candy.
Don't fear! I still plan on writing that story, and I think I'll even give it to you all next year. I've written chapter one, and it is delectably morbid fare. I won't give you any spoilers, since I will share it with you next year, all I will say is this:
"the scariest moment is when you come to terms with reality."

But, this year, we'll try to make this a little easier. After all, I haven't been feeling well lately . . . so please, pity, the poor, simpering madman.
For that reason, the Word of the Day is: 'ANXIETY'

Anxiety /ang'zuyǝtee/ n. 1. Tension or unease of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune. 2. Concerned desire; eagerness. 3. Psychology A state of fear and tension found in some disorders of the mind.

See, I have been feeling a little nervous, lately. A little anxious. It's hard to shake that oppressive cycle of self-destructive worry. But, I've been learning. It's weird, though. See, anxiety is a bad thing, definitely, for me it is one of the most unsettling and disruptive forces in my waking life (and my Beloved has forewarned me that sufferers can even have 'anxiety dreams').
But, anxiety is not really a "bad" thing. Just like fire, blood and knives, it's not the thing itself which is evil, but the things that we do with it.

For starters, anxiety is meant to protect us. You're walking through the forest, you hear a twig snap, a strange noise or see a shadow flicker past your vision, then your body reacts. You tense up, adrenaline floods your body, your breathing quickens and shortens, your eyes narrow, your brain goes into overdrive analyzing your senses and thoughts to try to quantify the danger.
Anxiety is meant to be your friend, your bodyguard and your protector.

By that same token, anxiety can also have a positive influence. I want to share something with you fine readers from two earlier blog posts. These are two different blog posts I wrote in 2013, but I will copy my own words here, because I want you to stay focussed here, not off reading those elsewhere. Here's what I said:

  "The thing is, relaxing isn't fun. I don't like to relax. Sleep is boring, sitting around is just stupid and not thinking is a slow torture. I don't like holidays and I don't like to relax."
- The Absurd Word Nerd, Pause for Thought, Sunday, 21 April 2013

  "See, I like a challenge, I like to make my mind-gears whir overtime, and overclock my cortex to a point where I feel like it doesn't fit in my skull. I like thinking BIG, so even when I tackle something potentially 'simple' I like to see if I can complicate it."
- The Absurd Word Nerd, The Writing on the Wall, Thursday, 30 May 2013
In retrospect, both of these are fuelled by a sense of anxiety. I don't like sleeping and relaxing, and I don't like being bored or boring. Now, this kind of anxiety is one of excitement, but that is, nonetheless, anxiety. Just as the definition says, some anxiety is concerned desire, or eagerness.
It's the same reason why people enjoy horror films. Adrenaline, fear and horror are not bad things. So, even though I am still working on my feelings of anxiety, I am confident that a little Halloween fun will do me good.

And, of course, since it's one of the scariest things I'm dealing with, it might just inspire a little fear in my readers. For now, I'm going to go eat some birthday cake. But until tomorrow, I'm the Absurd Word Nerd and I hope you enjoy this Countdown, and that you're all excited about Halloween!

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