Thursday, 2 July 2015

"The Do's and Don'ts of Prom Night Sex"

DISCLAIMER: A little while ago, my friend Sean and I were talking about journalism, how so often the news is nothing more than a biased writer/reporter expositing on their own agenda. To explain his point, Sean showed me an article called Do’s and Don’ts of Prom Night Sex. After reading it, I was a little annoyed, this wasn't a list of "Do and Don't", it was a list of "Don'ts and Do Nots", a thinly-veiled attempt to hide the writer's distaste for Prom Night Sex. If you read the article yourself, you can see what I mean. Now, don't get me wrong, I have no ill will towards the writer, Genevieve Suzuki. She makes it clear that this was an editorial mandate, and she clearly wasn't keen on this idea, and the fact that she managed to write anything at all is admirable, and I'm on her side, Prom Night Sex probably isn't a good idea.

However, she made a commitment she couldn't meet; she didn't follow the brief and she didn't provide the article requested of her. I complained to Sean and said "There are no 'Do's in this list", and he conceded that, since Prom Night Sex is a bad idea, there wouldn't be that many to choose from, but I said off-handedly: I could write a better article than that.
And after thinking about it, I not only decided that I could, but that I would. I am not a man to back down from a challenge, and since I would love to be a professional writer, this one tickled my fancy. So, I decided that I had given myself an editorial mandate: I would write a "Dos and Don'ts" advice column about Prom Night Sex, which doesn't covertly demonize those who do it. So, for those of you that would otherwise be wondering what the hell I'm doing writing about teenaged sex, consider it nothing more than stepping up to a challenge.

5 DOs and 5 DON'Ts of Prom Night Sex

Prom Night Sex, is it a good idea? Well, no. But hey, it happens. Hell, if your Mother is young and you were born around September, you could very well be the result of Prom Night Sex. So, I'm not here to judge, I do that in my free time. Rather, today, I'm here to offer you some advice about Promenade Coitus in a manner that is easy to remember, and will make this bad idea slightly less horrible.


1. Avoid Capture
As dangerous and exciting as it may seem to fuck under the tables at the prom reception, you're not a ninja, you'll probably get caught. Also, if you try to sneak into a closet during the photo sessions, someone is going to wonder where you are. Consider something before or after the prom, in a car, or a bed somewhere. Or, if you absolutely must do it during the ceremony, make sure you do it when everyone is mingling, with no structure or schedule, that way no one will miss you. Also, take note, a condom can make for an easier clean-up.

2. Consider Comfort
I mention using a car for two reasons. One, it's secluded (and if your fella/lady has a car, that's a bonus), but also, it has a backseat. While it's not the most dignified fuck-zone in the world, it's better than on the grass, in a closet, against a wall or on a stranger's couch. In fact, the best place is somewhere in a house where there are no supervisors (of the parental OR peer variety), since there are beds, blankets, couches, tables & showers. Also, you'd have free resources to hide any evidence afterwards.
But I'm still assuming that you won't have that kind of freedom, because not only is that rare, but otherwise there's not much advice I can offer.

3. Lower your Expectations
This is not going to be the best thing in the world. This may seem like a negative thing, but that's not what I'm saying at all. Either this is your first time, so one or both of you will be inexperienced, or it ISN'T, in which case it's just for the thrill of unlocking the "fucked on prom night" achievement. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying "it will definitely suck", but if you have low expectations, then you will either meet them, and be happy for trying, or you will surpass them, and be quite happy about your intercourse. Like with anything else, if you expect too much from an experience, then it becomes even harder for it to impress you.

4. Communicate
If you want to have sex on Prom Night, it's a good idea to tell your partner BEFORE Prom Night. There's nothing more melodramatic than getting slapped by a girl in a pretty dress, or turned down by a man in a suit, because you tried to suggest something fun. It also means that you can plan beforehand, together, and potentially even set things in motion so that you can have some privacy. Moreso, if you're both inexperienced, one way to counter that is to talk, and make sure that you're both prepared for what you want to do.

5. Have a Back-up Plan
You may have planned a beautiful evening, you'll take her to the top of the cliff, put out a blanket under the stars and let her screams of delight confuse the wildlife. Or maybe you planned on taking him back to your house, since your parents are on a weekend cruise, and you'll make passionate love in your room. Well, what if after putting out your blanket, it starts to rain? She doesn't want to be THAT kind of wet. Or what if you come home, turn on the lights, and your parents are home early, because they wanted to surprise you on prom night with a cake. So, make sure you have a fallback, consider any setbacks due to weather, family, car trouble, timing or accident, and try to plan accordingly.


1. Fuck in Public
Everything is a camera . . . EVERYTHING. If you go to someone's prom after-party and fuck on the couch, that is going straight online, as porn. Forever. Not to mention, there are some idiots out there. Fucking in public sometimes makes people think they're allowed to join in. Not only would that ruin the moment, but there are undoubtedly people at your school who you wouldn't want to risk that with.

2. Take Drugs Carelessly
Hey, you're having Prom Night Sex, so there's a good chance you do drugs. I'm not here to tell you to avoid drugs during your prom night sex, but rather, if you do, make sure you plan ahead. If you rock up to some party and someone offers you a toke, needle or pill you weren't expecting, either plan out your intercourse accordingly (planning for privacy, potential freakouts or munchies) then and there, or say no. In my opinion, if you want to do drugs, bring your own and make sure your partner knows. After all, if your sharing your genitals, surely you'd be expected to share your drugs, it's only fair.

3. Tell Everybody
I know, I know, this is half the fun of Prom Night sex, I get it. But the fact is, this is the kind of lowbrow gossip that can damage a reputation. If you absolutely must tell people, first of all, let your partner know; and secondly, make sure you only tell people you trust. Also, implicit in this is - Don't tell people beforehand. First of all, this could bring around Looky-loos, which is basically the same as fucking in public, you'll get unwanted attention. But also, it might turn your partner off the idea altogether, and everyone will see you as a lying braggard.

4. Have Unprotected Sex
The last thing anyone wants is a prom night, dumpster baby, back-alley abortion, or to go to college with morning sickness and/or child-related debt. Prom Night sex, generally, will be spur of the moment, so make sure you have protection, and/or quick and easy access to a morning after pill. Even if you think you can "pull out" fast enough, it's not worth risking the deposit on that dress.

5. Confuse It with Love
Sex is Sex, and Love is Love. Sure, people in love have sex, but don't go assuming that by having sex, that it means anything more than that. If you've already planned ahead, communicated & picked a good partner, sure, this MIGHT be a good moment for you both, as a couple. But if the person you're fucking isn't already your "significant other", it is stupid to assume that THIS is going to change that, and more than likely, you'll be seen as nothing more than a meat-based dildo, or free pussy.

In conclusion, there are a lot of things you can do to ruin your Prom Night. And I hope that this list has shown you that "having sex with a classmate" does not have to be one of them. Have fun, play safe and make it a night to remember.

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