Thursday, 25 December 2014

A Visit from Ain't Chrissy-mas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro' the web
The bloggers were struggling to paint their sites red
and green, and with tinsel, and a Yuletide log,
In hopes that for Christmas, they'd have a seasonal blog.

Each reader was nestled all snug in their bed,
While the Writer was up, and scratching his head.
  "It's Christmas, for fuck's sake," he said to himself,
And to the Dictionary, up on its shelf.

"And two weeks have gone by, since I last posted Duke,
What the hell should I post now? Please tell me, old book."
The Dictionary glanced at the blogger, unfazed,
then it fell off its shelf, and opened up to a page.

  "Carol, /karəl/, noun.," the words read within.
"A joyful song, especially a Christmas hymn."
  "Well bless me," said the Writer, "don the Christmas apparel;
The Word of Christmas Day, is: 'CAROL'."

Then the blogger retrieved, the wise, ancient tome,
Put it back on his shelf, and started writing, alone . . .
If you ask me, it's odd, that for Yule celebration
We necessitate festively-themed sonoration.

We sing Easter songs; New Years songs; Halloween singles;
Thanksgiving ditties & Hannukah jingles.
Yet Christmas, unlike them, is proudest to boast.
That of holiday sing-songs, Christmastime has the most.

Their prevalence is something I can't understand,
Because every soprano to a thirdrate, boyband,
Insists on recording a seasonal track,
Yet every single new single is absolute crap.

Some even attempt at a Christmas cheer album,
Which is always some half-arsed, insidious amalgam,
Of sugar, elves, tinsel & wintery weather
That some last-minute lyricist cobbled together.

You may think me some uncaring Scrooge, or a Grinch,
But my love of Christmas is what makes me cringe.
When we talk about reindeer and snowflakes and gifts,
It encourages shoppers and other spendthrifts.

When in all shopping centres, it spreads like cold season
Christmas song playlists, repeating ad nauseum.
I wish I could run into the middle and shout.
  "Have you people forgotten what Christmas is about?!"

Each one is just drivel, all saccharine and kind.
About love, family, snowflakes and half-arsed rhymes.
(And let's not forget, all our cards on the table,
that Christmas songs get the big bucks from song labels.)

Plus the God stuff just irks me, if you'll allow me my rants,
That little lord Jesus should keep out of my chants.
I don't hate them all, but they should be sung with care,
In the hopes that the listener's brains will be there.

See, the old-fashioned carols, now that's where I go,
For a dream of "White Christmas", and to just "Let it Snow",
"Santa Claus is Coming" should fill the town hall,
Sing away, sing away, sing away all!

Enjoy your sweet holiday, and even the songs,
I'll be taking a break from blogs, not for too long!
Just past New Year's and soon - if I haven't blundered -
I'll return soon, with post number two hundred.

I'm the Absurd Word Nerd, and until next time,
I hope you've enjoyed this Christmas post Rhyme
Just hear me exclaim, before I slip out of sight:
Happy Christmas to all . . . and that's all I'm gonna write.

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